Health and Wellness Failures Stories - page 5

I am a 13 years old girl, i basically have some problems related to porn. I do not regularly access porn websites but sometimes i watch sex scenes in movies, commercials or series and masturbate watching it, and the problem is sometimes I ignore if the scene has a problematic context if I think is ignorable or i think its too late. I already passed through that dillema before but i feel this time is different, cause i have stopped watching stuff to masturbate, but 2 days ago i did again after months. I separated the times these things happened in categories that are what was the problem, If i was aware of it and why i did about it. 1st time: a commercial, the problem was it was sexist, i was aware but just didnt think about it. 2nd time: it was an ecchi anime, the problem was there was a problematic episode in it (not that one, that one was quite normal in my opinion) i was aware again and wasnt considering it at the moment again. 3rd time: a sex scene in a movie, the problem was the woman was cheating, o was aware but i just ignored it. 4th time: a porn anime, we know what kind of problems are in those, but i thought it was just me being to overthinker, so i ignored it. 5th time finally, the most recent, a sex scene in a movie, the problem was a selfish man who stopped caring once he came, i thought about it but i wasnt really insterested in him so i just pretended nothing was happening and focused on the woman. I dont think any of these situations changed the way i think, i still know its wrong, i just thought it was irrelevant enough to ignore. Thoughts?

I had a huge blackout that lasted almost an hour last month, and now I'm in the hospital, rotting on a bed. Professionals found out that I had an untreated anemia that had lasted for way too long and now it's actively ruining my organs because my body can't stock iron, causing me to be really tired all the time, my skin is really pale, I have difficulty to breath, sleep, eat and walk. My legs are shaking a lot when I'm on my feet and I'm always cold. To top it all, my periods are extremely painful and causes me to lose a lot of blood. Unfortunately, my body reacts really negatively to the various treatments, and now the nurses and doctors are stuck. They stay optimistic with me and my parents, but the look on their face each time they make tests with me, I'm starting to feel that my fate is sealed. I try to change my mind by reading and listening to music, even watching Youtube when I can but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I'm actively dying. I'm really scared, because I don't want to die without even reaching adulthood. I have all of my friends here, my dog, and my little brother. Everyone except my parents and my brother are already acting like I'm gone, even my friends, which doesn't help. The doctors try everything, but nothing seems to work out fine, or atleast it's not enough. I'm starting to lose hope. My mom cries a lot, because she thinks it's her fault, and my dad can't look me in the eye. My little brother is the only positive one, and I don't want to fail him by leaving him behind. Sorry, I sound like a whiny loser because anemia is not cancer or something serious like that, but it truly feels like I'm dying on this bed. I just needed to vent, because I don't want to worry my parents even more, and my little brother is too young to understand.

So, what would people have thought if they had seen this on a reality TV show? (I hope I did this right, I never used a site like this one before.)

It’s not really a story. I need a place to vent. I have no one to turn to. I don’t want to worry my family and my friends will judge me which they have every right to do so cause I did to my self. I have health issues that effect my liver. It’s been managed well with medication but last year I lost my health insurance. I was not able to see my dr and wasn’t taking my medication line I was supposed to. I would occasionally drink but I should have been more concern since I didn’t have health insurance! Well I finally got insurance and went to the drs. Got my results back and my liver is bad. My dr hasn’t reached out to me and I’m scared. Scared I’ve done severe damage and the new health issues it will bring. I’ve cried two times but I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified but I did this to myself. I’m the one to blame. Why should people hear me out

F18, I apologize right away, because I will write chaotically and jump abruptly from the topic. I just feel that I need to vent, but I have no one to talk to, so I am writing here. And English is not my native language, I write through a translator. I am currently studying at the institute, and I have no motivation to study. I have no motivation for anything at all. I don't know if I like what I am studying, if this is

who I want to become in life. I don't feel smart, I feel stupid, my social circle is much smarter than me, but I can't find the strength to try to study too. I don't feel like I have any real friends, even though I know I have them and I'm privileged to have friends at all. But lately I just don't feel comfortable talking to people. I just don't want to do anything. I hate myself, my body, the way I speak, my behavior, my character. I have no talent for anything, I can't do anything perfectly like others. I want to lose weight, but I can't. I can't remember myself without wanting to lose weight. I don't see myself as beautiful, I don't think I will be beautiful even if I lose weight. I've never been in a relationship, I've never experienced teenage love, it's forever lost to me. I am just so tired. There are still so many topics I want to write about, but there are explosions outside my window and I'm afraid my mom will ask me to go into the hallway and see me crying. So I'm finishing up. Maybe next time. Thank you to everyone who read this.

(this post will be all over the place, I'm so sorry in advance) M17, I'm a failure. Point blank and simple, I can't seem to do anything right. I always forget stuff, simple or not, like hitting the send button sometimes or I leave something at my house whenever I go somewhere. It's so frustrating. And that's not all; My grades are like B's, which isn't that bad, but I am always told that "you're a smart kid" so then why tf am I making straight B/C's? (Anything below a 70 is not accepted in my house btw) I honestly just hate myself, who I am, what I look like, how I act. It's all just, eff me honestly. I'm the class clown, so I'm loud, obnoxious, annoying, and other such. I have a girlfriend, but I am starting to feel like she's drifting away, which makes me so upset, I don't want to lose her, she's been the best thing to happen to me in a long time, but I always try to be supportive, kind, loving and there for her, but I just, idk. I have Narcolepsy and Anxiety, so I'm often tired and stressed about too much. I just want a frickin' break, like seriously, I can't win at anything anymore. I'm so done. I won't k!ll myself because I'm too scared of dieing, but sometimes it's so hard to just exist. Like I just want to escape it all sometimes for like a week or two, that's all I ask, but I know I won't get that. Also college and my career scare me, I have a year left and I still don't know what I want to be, and I feel this pressure that I have to know soon, it's just all so much. If you've made it this far, thank you, I appreciate you wasting your time on me and my emotional prison. I hope you have a good day

i feel so upset in life, i feel like things at the moment aren't going as plan, i cant be with the person I want t,. I have lost her. I feel very misunderstood at work that i had a mental breakdown on the way home. Lately I've been feeling very unwanted, I wonder if it'll be like this everyday. At times i wish maybe if i wasn't born i wouldn't have to live through this phase of negatively, and unfairness. I feel like im holding myself by a thread, i wonder how long ill keep this for i really hope i have the mental strength because i don't feel like continuing anymore. I wonder if being nice and very respectful is a bad thing now a days, i feel like because of that i have very much suffered from it. i feel used, mistreated, i pray and hope god takes me into a better path. : (

im not sure if this is the right category for this but i just need to get it off my chest so sorry if i start rambling a little bit

im 18 and honestly have been contemplating whether or not i should be alive right now.

for the last six months, my life has been pretty miserable. people talk about the uni experience like it’s some exciting thing but for me it’s been nothing but a source of dread and anxiety. i had a pretty rough last two years of high school where my grades plummeted to C’s in some classes and while i did get decent grades to get into uni itself, my uni grades have been so much worse. it’s been really hard seeing it happen because growing up i associated my worth as a person with my grades and therefore with bad grades im basically less than your average person. i failed some classes in my first term and i have been trying to rectify it this term but i lost my dog almost exactly a month ago tomorrow and have felt myself spiralling deeper down this depressive? episode if you could call it that.

for the last 11 years my dog’s probably one of the only people who has loved me unconditionally. im sure my parents’ love me but it always felt like if i didn’t meet their standards i was useless and a disappointment. they know about my uni grades which sparked a lot of strain on our relationship. as if there wasn’t enough already.

and i know people’s go to response is oh you need to talk to someone!! whether that’s a friend, sibling, or family but like my situation is different. i don’t think my friends could really help me with this and my parents aren’t very approachable and my brother is like 10. i love my parents wholeheartedly and while i get that being the oldest child means that they learned how to parent through me it’s just so hard being told that family is always there for you when i know that’s not the case. my dad’s there physically but not mentally and emotionally for his kids and my mom tries to be but she’s got a quick temper and constantly makes little comments about my appearance, weight, acne etc.

anyway we just got into another argument after they found out i got a bad grade on a midterm and it kind of made me realize how much i hate myself and my life. it kind of scares me that not even 15 minutes ago i was thinking about when i was back at my dorm i could just take a crap ton of painkillers and fall asleep and hope i don’t wake up or take a hike and get lost in the woods on purpose.

i also realized that some of my habits in the last couple months have been pretty self destructive/ could be seen as sh? like i stay up all night on my phone mindlessly watching a tv show/movie, reading books or comics even when my eyes are burning and then when i fall asleep it’s like im asleep for hours or like mindlessly playing video games(which have always been a coping mechanism/decompressor) for hours on end despite knowing i could be using the time to be productive.

i’d just like some sort of sign to keep going, something to motivate me because im very close to just ending it.

I don’t know when exactly I started feeling like this, but lately, everything just feels heavy, like I am carrying a weight that nobody else can see, and no matter how much I try to shake it off, it just stays there. I wake up, go through the motions, smile when I need to, pretend everything is fine, but deep down, I keep wondering what the point of all this even is. What are the reasons to live when everything feels like too much? It is like my brain keeps whispering that nothing really matters, that I am just stuck in some cycle of existing without actually living. And maybe that is why I started thinking about reasons to live, because I know there have to be some, even if they feel impossible to see right now. The first reason, I guess, is that feelings are temporary. I have had bad days before, bad months even, and I got through them. I know I won’t always feel this way, even if my mind tries to tell me I will. The second reason is that there are still things I have not experienced, and I don’t want to leave without knowing what is out there. Maybe there is a city I have never been to that would make me feel alive in a way I never imagined. Maybe there is a song I have not heard yet that will give me chills or a book I will get lost in. Maybe there is a person I have not met yet who will change my whole life. And even if it takes time to find those things, I think they are worth waiting for. The third reason is the people who care about me, even if I sometimes convince myself they don’t. I know that if I disappeared, there would be people who would feel the weight of that forever, and I don’t want to be the reason someone else carries this kind of pain. The fourth reason is that I still have choices. As much as it feels like I am stuck, I know that life does not have to stay the same. If I hate my job, I can change it. If I feel lonely, I can try to reach out. If my life feels empty, I can fill it with new things. Nothing is set in stone, and that means there is always a way forward, even if I don’t see it yet. The fifth reason is that I have survived everything that has tried to break me so far, and that means I am stronger than I give myself credit for. If I made it through all the hard days before this, then maybe, just maybe, I can make it through this too. The sixth reason is that life is unpredictable, and while that can be terrifying, it also means that things can change in ways I never expect. A year from now, I could be in a completely different place, with different people, feeling completely different than I do now. And if there is even a small chance of that, then maybe I owe it to myself to stick around and see what happens. The seventh reason is that I don’t want my story to end like this. I don’t want this to be the final chapter. I don’t know what comes next, but I want to find out. Maybe the reasons to live aren’t always loud and obvious. Maybe they are just little things, like feeling the sun on my skin, drinking a cup of coffee in the morning, hearing my favorite song at the perfect moment. Maybe they are things I haven’t even thought of yet. But they are there, even when I can’t see them, and I am trying to hold onto them, even when everything in me wants to let go.

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately, but every time the words am I gay cross my mind, I push them away, like if I don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. Except it doesn’t. I’m 32 years old, and I feel like I should have figured this out by now. But here I am, sitting in my apartment after another long day at work, replaying every moment in my life that’s ever made me question myself. I mean, I’ve always liked women—or at least, I thought I did. I’ve had girlfriends, I’ve been in love, and I’ve genuinely been attracted to women. But then why does this other side of me exist? The side that wonders why I sometimes feel something different when I look at a guy. The side that gets this weird flutter in my stomac when a certain type of guy walks by or when I watch a movie and find myself paying way too much attention to the male lead instead of the actress everyone else is drooling over. I tell myself it’s nothing, just admiration, but at some point, admiration starts feeling a lot like attraction.

It’s not like I’ve never questioned it before. There were moments, little things throughout my life that should’ve made me stop and think. Like that time in college when my friend put his arm around me, and it sent this unexpected rush through me. Or the way I felt weirdly nervous around a certain guy I worked with a few years ago, even though I told myself I just thought he was cool. But I never let myself go further than that. I never really explored it because I didn’t need to, right? I was dating women, and I liked them, so that meant I was straight. Case closed. Except, now, after years of ignoring it, it’s like my brain won’t let it go anymore. It’s not just a passing thought that I can laugh off or push aside—it’s sticking with me, making me wonder if I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. What if I never questioned it before because I never gave myself the space to? Wat if I’ve been so caught up in doing what’s expected, in playing the part, that I never stopped to ask myself what I actually want?

The scary part is, I don’t even know where to go from here. How do you figure this out when you’ve already built a life on the assumption that you’re straight? Do I just start dating guys? Do I tell someone? And if I do, what if I’m wrong? What if this is just some passing phase or overthinking spiral, and I make a huge deal out of something that doesn’t even need to be a deal at all? I wish there was some test, some clear-cut answer that would just tell me, yes, you are gay or no, you’re just overanalyzing everything. But there’s not. And that’s what makes this so confusing. Maybe I’m bi, maybe I’m just figuring myself out late, or maybe I’m reading into things too much. All I know is, I can’t keep pushing it away. I don’t want to look back 10 years from now and wonder what would’ve happened if I’d been brave enough to actually face this. Maybe the real question isn’t am I gay, but what happens if I let myself find out?

I’ve moved all my life never in one house for long due to one parent. So I’ve never made relationships, either friend or love. Every time I do a few week later I move again. This parent always asked, “No girlfriend yet”, “Why don’t you go out with friends” and other of the sort. My answers were always “No” and “They are online”. I started online school a year or two before Covid as I was going to help take care of a family member but they never moved in, and with my constant move I decided to stay online, Covid didn’t help and I never had a high school life, prom or any of that. I did college for a year online as well but that’s because of something else in a bit.

This parent suggested maybe I join the military, so I did, I enlisted in the Army. I spent a year and some change months clearing my medical and prepping. A few months before I was cleared I met my first and only girlfriend through a milsim we were part of. That’s again, for later. But I signed my life away as a 68W Combat Medical Specialist with a 4k bonus and was extremely lucky to choose a first duty station. South Korea, I never made it but woulda been great. So I ship to FT Sill OK for BCT and train. I made it a few weeks before my legs gave and I couldn’t stand. I went to the medical center and doctors and after a battery of tests and imaging, I stress fractured nearly every bone from my hips (inside and outer) to my feet, grade 1-4, I also ripped many of my muscles in my legs, and had something called Rhabdo-Myolosis. On top of that I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis and told I was of no use to the Army. I was placed on confinement to quarters for 72 hours twice while they were doing all the testing spanning to weeks. Terrible, I couldn’t lay on the bed so I sat on the concrete floor, cold, for hours and hours only able to go outside for meals. Watching my battle buddy’s come in for brief time trying to get info from them. What are you doing? It’s it tough? How are you? But it was in vein. White walls hum of the ac, occasional drill coming into to check lockers and throw something. Before I was discharged I was placed in a medical hold unit, C95 Adj Battalion. Basically for people really hurt and can’t stay at their training battery. I would say this was the start of my decent into depression and honestly lunacy. It was only 50 days in there but they were ever long. White brick walls, no windows, in crutches and medical boots like my 72 hour holds, A tv that was always off because of punishment. It was a prison, insane asylum and hospital in one room. Phone maybe 2 times a week but never enough to tell my family what’s happening. On call of hey I’m doing great I’m feeling strong, then I basically shattered my legs and I don’t know what’s happening, to finally, I’m useless and I will never be the same again. I went mad there, I’m not okay now either, I can’t be closed in, I need to see outside, and the bricks, ohh the bricks. If I ever see them I absolutely lose it inside. That was it, from I’m going to be a soldier and prove I’m worthy and have amazing dad lore for her and our future kids to, dang, I’ve lost my dream job. But I was going home to my partner.

My partner and I, met on a milsim for a game. We were extreme long distance being across the ocean but we made it work. It started 3 months before I shipped to BCT. And she stayed all through my training. I thought a few times I’d get Dear John’d but I was lucky. Nope. 2 weeks after I got home she got shallow, and we never played a game together even though that’s literally how we met and played daily before I left. So on the end of week 3 I said I k ow you want this to end. Just tell me so I hear it from you. She admitted she wanted it to end and in short I agreed to her leaving. She said she will stay till I get my help from the VA. I said no, I don’t want to force you to stay, and it would take years. That was it. 7 months gone. I really felt I lost it all then. My core dreams. I had my dream career, health and woman. Then in 3 months all was gone.

A few months later the same week I had plans to visit her country and her, I had to put my dog down. I was done at that point. Everything I had.

I continued seeing mental health services at the VA and long story short I was put in an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I met someone there and decided to give each other a chance. I had my first date ever, and had my first kiss ever. Finally feeling the human connection I had craved for years. But I shoulda known better. Nothing works for me. That night I cried tears of joy, someone cares about me again, the physicality of humanity is perfect, she cried to, but cause she still loved her ex. Told me a few days later. And after many talks, I found, she used me, the pictures we took, the date, everything was to get him to talk to her again. I said I can’t continue talking to you after that. I may crave that connection more now but not at the cost of fighting another guy for someone and being used to get to him. Just. No.

So now I’m back at square one. Alone. I don’t have a job because my health limits work and no one will hire with my conditions. Back to being online and trying to make it through the day.

I've never been able to understand myself or truly understand others. I've never managed to form a real attachment to someone without feeling like I'm lying to myself, and it's the same with my parents and friends. On top of that, I feel completely empty all the time. I can't even physically cry anymore—I feel hollow, like there's no solution. Yet, I've been seeing a psychologist for three years, as well as a child psychiatrist. I'm only 15, but honestly, I can't see myself making it to 25.

[Translated from French as IIWIARS is English only]

I am in quater of my ideal age where I die. Here's a brief epiphany I have got, or it may be a idealist assumption that my ego is making, simplifying the question which has plagued people for centuries.

The world to me seems not that bad, at this moment. Sure it is difficult and unforgiving and cruel at the same time, and it is so hard to be happy, but I think instead of focusing on it, I should find peace within it. I am sure this is a paradox since it is going to be more difficult than the former, but I think it would be more lasting. To accept that I am a selfish, entitled, flawed human who has a warped sense of reality is a hard pill to swallow but necessary nonetheless. But I am nothing but a human, who will show humanity in times of decision even with all these flaws. This is my firm belief.

I’m so tired…..what should I do?..

I’m 32 and felt like want to end my life now..stay alive is more harder than die..

I’m currently a 32 yo woman in a stable relationship. My biggest wish would be starting a family with my long time boyfriend but we both agreed we should do that after having a bigger house of our own. Everyone around me is managing to do that (some have inherited their house from parents or relatives, others have already managed to buy one) and start a family of their own. We are currently paying rent for a small apartment and working our asses off to put away some money but house prices for a decent place (with some room for a future kid) still seem to be out of our range. I kinda feel hopeless at this point. Will I ever be able to achieve my dreams? It seems impossible to me as of now, I really don’t know what to do and I feel like my life is meaningless. I feel like I am late at life and that when we’ll be able to realize our project it will be to late for me to have a child.

I don't know what category this would go in, I don't know if this is even the right place to put this, I just googled 'anonymous places to vent' and went with this. I have no one to talk to and just don't know what to do about anything.

Everything. Just everything, look at what Trump and his cronies are doing, and no one is even trying to stop them. They're just complying in advance, or showing their true colors, both maybe. I keep trying to reach out to charities that are supposed to help LGBTQ folk flee the country or flee red states to blue- no one is helping me. No one. ONE out of the twenty or so I've written answered me, but then suddenly stopped once they said they were going to arrange a video call with me after I confirmed my identity. Rainbow Railroad told me 'America still protects my rights' so they won't help me. They won't even help me get to a blue state despite saying they help with that as well. I think they blocked my emails...

I never even got to live. I wish I was joking saying this, or exaggerating, but I'm not. My father kept me hostage, pretty much, from ages 17 to 22 or so. Sabotaging doctor's appointments, hiding my college acceptance letters, letting me get more and more disabled. More and more dependent. I've had so much crap happen in my life, various flavors of trauma from many different people, most people supposed to love and protect me. That's just one example and the one effecting me second most right now, it has the most relevance.

I'm 25 now, intersex and trans, and trapped. I am afraid to even try to get an ID and passport now despite never having one in the first place because what if someone looks at me and decides it's invalid based on how I look purely and I don't get to travel? Don't get my documents back? That's been happening to trans people trying to flee and yet no country is trying to stop Trump from the outside in seeing this all? Preparing to rescue us even if we have no documents? This is blatantly genocide, they're making us stateless and banning our travel, denying existence and removing government documentation of so many things...

I have been screaming for help for years. YEARS before this. About this, about other things, no one listened. No one ever listens, I need too much help and have too much wrong with me so I'm "not valuable." No one wants to help me and I'm running out of time day by day. I can't keep fighting. I even wrote an Australian government site that says they're taking in queer refugees, begged for help, admitted that I have nothing to offer but that I can learn skills if just given the chance and a bit of help. No one replies, of course, but I expected that. I'm just so tired. Scared.

Why is my life worth so little?

My family, who all either voted for this or skipped out because they had the privilege to as it 'didn't affect them' are around me laughing and unbothered. I just want to scream at them to shut their mouths. Shut up. You don't get to vote for my demise or otherwise treat me like shit for being afraid then sit there laughing, smiling, while I'm here barely making it.

I guess I just want to ask what steps do I even take first? Before someone says therapy, I'm already in it, my therapist doesn't even know what to say or do to help me and yes I'm on meds. I keep getting cycled through them because everything I try I have a terrible reaction to or it does absolutely nothing. I don't know what to do. And no, I'm not trying to encourage violence or am I saying I'm going to do anything to myself, just in case that needs to be made clear. I'm just laying myself bare. I'm just needing SOMEONE to help me. Or at least just hear me, not give me empty, hollow words and "coping mechanism advice" like hotlines (even TrevorChat) do.

I'm just so tired.