Love Stories - page 3

man it's been like 2 months and i still think about her every single day. like not even just once or twice, but all day long, like a song stuck in my head that won’t shut up. we broke up, yeah, and i know she’s gone and probly already movin on but i can't. i keep thinkin about the way she used to laugh at my dumb jokes, or how she’d hold my arm when we walked down the hall at school. i miss the lil things the most, like how she’d say "you're dumb" when i’d say somethin stupid but then smile right after. it’s dumb, i know, but even when i'm playin games or chillin with the boys, she just pops into my head like she still got space in there. nd it sucks man. feels like i'm stuck in this loop of memories and i can’t find the off switch.

i thought maybe after a few weeks i’d be fine, like i’d stop feelin all this crap. but nah, it’s still here. it hits hardest at night, like when i’m just layin in bed lookin at my phone, scrollin old messages like a loser. i kno i should delete them, fr, but i can’t bring myself to do it yet. even her name still pinned in my chat list, even tho we haven’t talked since the day she ended it. i don’t even kno what i did wrong exactly, she just said she "needed space" and that was it. like how do u go from talkin every day to nothin?? i keep thinkin maybe if i said somethin different or was less clingy or more chill, maybe she’d still be here. i’m not sayin i was the perfect bf or nothin, but i really liked her. maybe too much. maybe that’s the problem.

some of my friends say “bro, just move on, there’s other girls” but they don’t get it. it wasn’t just about havin a gf, it was her. she was the first girl i really opened up to, like really told stuff i don’t even tell my fam. and now she’s gone and i feel like a piece of me is gone too. school’s harder, i don’t even care about it anymore. food don’t taste the same. i stopped writin in my notebook, which i used to love doin. even music don’t hit the same now, every love song just makes me feel worse. nd it ain’t like i can talk to anyone for real about this. if i say too much, i get clowned. if i say nothin, i just sit with it alone. i wish she knew how much she still means to me. but i can’t tell her that, cuz i don’t wanna sound desperate. and maybe she don’t care anyway. maybe she’s happy now and i’m just here being stuck.

i dunno what to do. like i wanna move on but i also don’t wanna forget her. she was a big part of my life, even if it was short. nd maybe one day i’ll look back and laugh or feel nothin but right now it hurts like hell. i wish someone would just tell me how to stop thinkin about her. how do u stop missin someone who used to feel like your whole world? i try to distract myself, i try to be cool, but it don’t help. i just hope this feeling goes away eventually. i hope i get to the point where i think of her and it don’t make my chest hurt. cuz right now? it hurts. it really does. and it’s crazy how someone can leave and still be everywhere in your head.

Long story short ish - last month my girlfriend fucked this dude I have disliked for years and I can’t lie I’m really down about it all 🥲

Apart of me saw it coming but it still hit like a hard slap in the face and I can’t stop thinking about it all!

Sort of came to this app to try and talk about things seeing if it would make me feel better 😆 that’s the tea

I want a lover. I don't know if it's for validation that I still am lovable, but I've been craving that carefree feeling of when I had one. We weren't official, but the times we spent made me feel like I was worth it for once. Like my breaths aren't a waste of carbon dioxide. I miss being loved.

It's hard for me to say, but I feel I can't recover or continue the relationship with this girl. I have to leave her because there's no room for her in my life. I've already tried every way. She's in her own world, and I'm in mine, and any attempt would feel forced and aimed at destroying us both. I personally doubt this girl is considering these conditions, but I feel I can do it. Leaving her would be an act of respect for her routine, her development, and her desire for a new person, given that I can't have a negative impact on her and therefore be scarred, since she has the right to find her. I can't allow myself to be the one to destroy that dream, so it's fair and necessary that we discuss the fact that I'm not the new person she's looking for, given that, as I insist, I'm not in a position to support her, primarily because of the way her life is structured.

Her life isn't meant for new people, but that doesn't mean I can accommodate her to satisfy that desire. However, it's an extremely delicate task, and one she must oversee. Let's assume that she gives in at this moment, the game will tend to abandon her plans and other things, and that's not the idea. If she's going to do it, it should be gradually, considering each of the details into which her entire life can be divided, in order to create something satisfactory. Otherwise, she will be sowing the ultimate nest of violence, bitterness, and a relationship given to conflict as the defining axis of the story she can trace; an issue that, unfortunately, was the future when I saw myself with her, and which was totally heartbreaking for me. I don't know how there are people who can tend to do the same.

This act, without a doubt, represents an act of respect for her person, of love. I observe her as very vulnerable to suggestion and falling prey to one of those manipulative beings who opt for victimhood and are both skillful and unconscious at procuring people to hold them hostage without any evidence in front of others, despite the person feeling this way and the subject knowing it, but at the same time, due to their unconsciousness, ignoring it at all costs. I feel this is the mistake my father and my stepmother made many years ago, and I don't intend to make it again.

I can't deny that it pains me to leave her, given that she seems to me to be a very beautiful person, very dedicated to this new life, and, in addition, with feelings whose life, in effect, was to prevent others from feeling judged. I observed that her spirit of protecting others was undermining her, which reminds me of another girl who I thought was in those shoes with me but wasn't aware of her infatuation with me. She was a person, from what I'm seeing, with a vague self-esteem and who liked not to disappoint others, always making them feel good. This, it seemed to me, was affecting her studies, which were also outside her area of ​​residence. Indeed, it's tempting for anyone to have such a person slide toward you irremediably, given the intense sense of control we humans possess, but it's interesting when it ceases because it implies that the fear of the world collapsing and obstructing her access to it has been undermined, which expresses a greater openness to it. I feel I'm achieving that in this case.

That girl had a great sense of guilt. I felt that, just because she was a psychiatric patient, she was already sliding toward me, against her own feelings, and I feel that at this moment she was almost heading toward that point. However, when faced with someone who is on the verge of overshadowing her life, if I can do something, then let it be this way. It will undoubtedly cause discomfort, but the aftermath will be a rich radiance for her life. She will feel that there was respect, order, and consistency from people like me, who am a patient of the aforementioned type, and I also protect the identity of all of us who, I feel, are highly prejudiced, unfortunately not without reason, given at the same time by a society that doesn't welcome us, given the difficulties we cause because we don't have the tools to handle them.

In part, and it must be said this way, this has become a duty to my profession. Psychiatric patients don't seek to drag anyone down; we ruin people's lives, and much less are we people without a vision for well-being. Quite the contrary, we can be different, and I feel that is the image I want to give to that girl so that we may be respected. At the same time, I want to advocate for the functioning of psychotherapies, whose image today is very degraded, practically reserved for extreme cases, perhaps with a little more breadth than before. That such things do work, of course, with the patient's commitment. And at the same time, that the humanists, a group with which I incorporate, we are not people with problems or low self-esteem who were told to go to that place as an escape from them.

I also want to give a perspective on people who are lonely. We are not self-absorbed people, who abandon others, etc. I believe there are many very prejudiced groups, I insist, not without cause, but if I can do something about it, I feel I am protecting others and helping to distinguish those who do not engage in disrespectful behavior, abusing the way those groups characterize themselves.

I feel like I am giving that girl a huge gift by not insisting further. I don't think she will respond to me, and that, for me, means that she feels my respect, that she is dedicated to her own things, that she is not ready to leave there, and that is precisely the perfect motivation to satisfy that desire to have new people in her life. I am proud of my behavior in this sense.

I feel like a girl tried to trick me. She was a girl in great need of affection and love who wisely approached me at a time when the sequence was crucial in my life, recently, with an issue that was suspected to be a tooth problem. The girl hugged me, kissed my cheek, caressed me, made sure I didn't leave. In short, she welcomed me maternally at a time when I needed it most. Besides, I was with my mother and father, and they definitely didn't do that. She went so far as to listen to me, understand me, and actually value my music, something my parents simply rejected.

I feel like she abused her profession to do this. What would she have been capable of with that girl? All of this left lasting scars on me later. Why did she have to approach me like that? I feel like she hurt me so much. She was on the verge of jeopardizing my job, my life, everything. Why did it have to be like that? Also, having told her I was suffering from a psychological disorder. Damn, really, that girl was the one who hurt me the most. Why did she act so recklessly like that? Any inappropriate treatment becomes dangerous for me, whether it's on my part toward others or from others toward me, given the lack of control it caused me. I feel like her attitude wasn't right.

I feel overwhelmed, overworked after that experience. Who was that girl? Why did she treat me like that? Until recently, she practically had me at her feet. I feel like this wasn't right. I even thought I was in love, for God's sake! How could that be possible? I feel cheated, and I don't doubt that she knows about these kinds of methods. Besides, she was the kind of girl who makes special moments.

For God's sake, how far was this going to go? Now I feel like I just want her to go away. I was about to throw myself into a fierce void, into hell. I didn't know where I was going, I had no idea of ​​the consequences. I was willing to go without any consequences! I never want to see that girl again in my life! The girl had me captivated. For God's sake! For God's sake, why wouldn't she answer or bother checking my WhatsApp? Besides, after acting so maternal and close, she suddenly abandoned me and made me look bad. Holy Mother of God! Where was this girl going to take me? And at a time when I was feeling bad! This is the worst thing that could have happened to me!

Dearest friends, why the hell did this have to happen to me? I felt like I was on the way to ruining my life, my sacred life. Don't people get tired of trying to ruin my life? For God's sake. She had already tried to ruin it recently. My calm, my most sacred calm, was about to be ruined, destroyed, shattered again. Where would I get trapped? In what, for God's sake? What could I possibly do under these circumstances? I already felt this girl was a danger from the start. And the worst part is that everyone there adores her. Why did someone like that have to touch me? Why? What did I do? I wanted peace of mind. There's no justification for this behavior. I've never done anything like this, have I? Could I have been a narcissist too?

I could already see that girl betraying my trust, making my life hell. I already felt cornered by her! I already felt she was shattering my expectations to the hilt! I felt she played with my feelings! That girl did this recklessly, even before surgery! She was also extremely silent and acting as if nothing had happened. What the hell would I run into if I saw her again? I already felt I had to escape from something. Why did I have to fall into this hell? This was the worst. That was the worst thing those doctors could have done to me, the worst, for God's sake. They gave me a monster present! And the worst part is that I was standing right in front of my mom, and my mom hadn't done anything.

The worst part is that it was at a time when I was completely out of my depth, for God's sake! I thought I was good, different, a bitter illusion. I was already surprised that I was the most popular! Of course! Everyone is safe from her! I already felt like I was losing control because of her. And I was already thinking about going all the way to where she worked! It makes me faint. This can't happen to me. What the hell is she still doing now, for God's sake? Plus, she's sucking up to my parents! She's acting the good guy! The woman was swarming me, for God's sake. What trap could I have fallen into? I was walking right into a trap. This can't happen to me. It can't be. This isn't fair. Why do so many people want to destroy my life? I'm tired of escaping. And in a medical service? For God's sake, I never want to enter that girl's life. I feel like I could die from this. Why did this happen to me? Attacks from all sides, for God's sake. On top of that, playing with my mental health, being deteriorated, begging for help, this is the worst thing the system could have done to me. I never thought that at my job I would be they're going to send me to a place like that, with that quality. I feel like I'm going to die of rage, of sadness. I mean, even in that service, they abused me. This can't be what happened to me. Everyone took advantage of it to tear my life apart.

And I'm justifying to this girl that I was different! She had me in a frenzy! How far was this going to go? I never want to remember this girl again. Never, ever. And pretending to be good, in love, saintly, different, that she doesn't judge. Am I really that annoying? It happened to me at my previous job, also with some girls. How far is this going to go? How far is this going to go? It can't be. It can't be that they won't leave me alone. I refuse to believe it. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack because of this. And the worst part is that when I was in that service, no one protected me. To the point of succumbing to a hell from which no one was going to get me out because of the prejudices against me, which they truly are. I just tried to present true facts in a way that people couldn't refute without proof at hand, as it should have been, and also transparent to others. For God's sake, I was almost falling.

On the verge of losing almost everything. It can't be that this happened to me during my treatment. Even during my treatment, right when I should have been calmer. Now it was with this girl, who do I reveal this to? And then with someone else? I felt like an unprotected child again, at the mercy of madness, without parents even though they were there. I mean, it can't be that I was truly alone in those circumstances. I really don't understand. No one was protecting me from going to hell, no one, even though I needed to, even though I wasn't fit to handle myself.

And my psychiatrist yesterday told me to drop this treatment thing! Is everyone trying to make me fall? Everyone? This can't be happening to me. Seriously, this can't be happening to me.

so I have a friend Katy (not her real name) and I have a bit of a crush on her and the other day she kissed me on the cheek and today she gave me a hug in the hallway (she's big on physical touch from people she trusts) and so the intrusive thoughts happened and right when she released the hug I kissed her on the cheek and idk what her reaction was because I BOLTED as soon as I did it so now I'm scared I can't believe I did that OMG OMG OMG what do I do-? she's not in the class I'm in right now but I'm afraid if she finds me between classes-

I kind of miss my ex…so me and him haven’t spoken in a while but last year we where so close and I’m going to tell you the things we did which made me madly in love,so last year I met my ex in maths class and me and him got along well and we met up at his usual hang out spot(his friends house)don’t! Worry other people where there too and it was a safe space and a chill spot me and him got together and we was in the awkward stage for a few hours until he sat next to me and was peer pressured to put his arm around me …year 7 for ya anyways we was sat next to each other and he had his arm around me until all of my friends decided to sit on this tiny ass couch and we all managed to fit on but we had to squeeze on and I was so close to him I couldn’t breathe he was trying to play a game but cuddle me at the same time and he had to wrap his arms round me and play with 2 hands and it was kinda funny but awkward at the same time and they all asked to go to the shops but had no money so I gave them my last bit of birthday money (ten pounds) they said thanks I said don’t spend it all and they surprisingly didn’t the rest spent about 2 pounds each and he only spent 10 pence and I was so grateful he actually acted and I had never ever been in a relationship so close to someone like that so I was kinda shy but the next weekend I had a sleepover and I decided to break up with him idk I was stupid and young so I had no clue what I was doing but we separated for like 3 months but I couldn’t get him off my mind and I told my friend and she was like well let’s message him so she did and he said said he would like to try things again too and I was so happy and inlove and we met up and things like that and we had laughs together and always hugged goodbye until he broke up with me but then he got back together with me because he said he was stupid and we stayed together until we didn’t..we separated again and we became close mates and I decided to go out and met him late at night and we had so much fun together until a big group of boys where chasing me and my other friend and I called him and he was straight there to protect us both with his other mate and we jumped down this thing and I was let behind because I was stung by nettles and no one came looking for me except him and I was too tired to run so he came behind me and walked with me while my other friends ran and we started meeting more often and one time we was hiding behind this corner and he was stood next to me while I was in the corner and I kept looking to my side and each time he was staring at me and we made eye contact I smiled and he smiled back even though he hardly smiles at people I was falling inlove with this boy so much and we kept finding ways back to each other until my bestfriend had enough of me talking to him and she blocked him on my phone and I hadn’t have talked to him in ages I decided to unblock him in secret and we called and talked for ages and now we just don’t speak but I miss him what do I do should I speak to him again or not guys Ibe never been so in love

I don't know if I'm falling into a trap. I wrote to a doctor I like the way I was. I'm very confused by my emotions; I don't know where they're leading me. I only know that they're boiling inside me, like some kind of forced helmet that's about to dissipate.

Why do I feel this way about it? In fact, I write and I can't feel my skin. I feel like my skin is something foreign to me; I'm soaring to the heights. Am I deluded? Am I really in love? Could it be that I want to check something I went through with a girl? What's happening to me? Besides, she was one of those doctors who gave terrible treatment. I don't like talking to those kinds of people. Why give them another chance? I didn't want to go back to any of those doctors again.

Is it because I'm going to pick on her about the treatment? Is it because I'm going to do some unscrupulous and unconscious thing? I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone. In fact, I had things to do. Why my eagerness for socializing? I don't understand. Why do I always get stuck? I wanted a break from socializing. Why is it that I never get a break? I insist. Am I heading into a trap? Did I get on the wrong side of the doctors? Could it be that I want them to do something to me out of some unconscious guilt or something? I do feel like maybe I haven't been very grateful, but I have every reason to be, given that they didn't help me with my problem.

Could it be that they did help me with my problem and I just don't want to admit it? I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know what I'm feeling in my head. I just want to call her, to go to her, wherever that may be. I feel my heart beating fast for her. I've done my best to hold back, going slowly with my feelings. I didn't think I'd reach a point where I couldn't bear not writing to her. I feel, I admit it, that it makes me feel liberated.

What does she feel for me? Has she remembered me? She's a sociable person, maybe with a boyfriend, but I don't. What if I'm falling in love with someone with a boyfriend? What if I'm late to the issue? I don't know where I stand with her, and I don't like that. I'm not clear about my feelings; I know it's never possible, but it's the desirable thing in this case. What do I want with her? I don't want to torment her with my emotions.

What the heck is happening to me? I can't be in love. Am I frustrated? How low is my self-esteem? Am I wrong? Do I have no life or something? I don't think I'm dead. Do I want her just to vent? Why do I want her? I don't want her to burden me; she'd never forgive myself. Am I looking for manipulation? To include me in something? Am I needing that? I beg her to tell me to leave, or simply not to answer me at all.

I feel like this might be a false alarm. Maybe it's emotions I once felt when I was with her, and everything's reacting in a crazy way. After writing the above, I don't feel like it's anything. I refuse to believe it's anything. I don't want to break the routine I was already in. I insist: Could it be that I have feelings for her because of the frustration I feel? Although I recognize that the frustration I felt was from not seeing her. I also recognize that I didn't need to talk or anything like that. Could it be that I'm seeing her as an outlet? I don't want to upset her.

Besides, she's a student. I don't want to get in her way. I don't want her to do it with me. But is it normal to react desperately for her? Just like that? I've been venting a lot. But is this really a crush? I don't know what to believe. I feel trapped by my thoughts.

OKKK SO we all know how YouTube works pay u for ur videos. Okk so like I actually have lots of YouTube ideas 😭 BUT I CANT DO VOICE OVERS and my phone barely has any storage to have all those clips and editing. So like is there a way like I can like get hired for my ideas? Like they have a yt channel and what to start but don’t have ideas. If something like this exist is there a way to yk find them!? I’d totally ask this on Reddit but I’m scared of that app ✌️so basically it’s like hiring an editor for ur yt videos but yk HIRING THE IDEAS GUY

so i've talked about a person twice before, first vent she was Imogen second vent she was known as just A. And I like her. Like REALLY like her and idek why.

But now...

I have another friend, I've also vented about her before, in which she was known as Katy. Yesterday we were chilling during dismissal as school, she had stolen one of my earbuds and I think I had Everywhere Everything by Noah Kahan playing... either that or Kirari by Fujii Kaze. and she had stolen my hand, like she always does (it's just a normal thing, she likes to hold my hand) and she kissed me on the hand which she always does it's normal I'm used to that...

then she kissed me on the cheek.

That is not something she always does.

I think I might like her now.

but she's taken.

so now I like two people who are BOTH TAKEN.

why is it that I always like people who are taken....

I never thought I would be the kind of person to even ask myself a question like this. When I got engaged to my fiancé three years ago, I was certain. Certain that he was the right choice, that we would build a life together, that the past was just that—the past. But lately, I find myself thinking about my ex more than I want to admit. It’s not that I don’t love my fiancé. I do. He’s kind, he’s supportive, he makes me laugh even when I’m stressed out of my mind. But no matter how hard I try, there’s still this small, stubborn part of my heart that belongs to someone else. And I don't know what that says about me.

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. Like when a song we used to listen to together comes on the radio. Or when I pass a certain coffee shop where we spent hours just talking about everything and nothing. And then all the memories come flooding back—the good ones, the ones that make my chest ache in that bittersweet way. I start wondering if he ever thinks about me too, if he ever misses those stupid inside jokes we had or the way we used to plan our future like it was some big adventure. It's confusing, because I don’t want to go back to that relationship. It ended for good reasons. We fought too much, we wanted different things, and in the end we hurt each other more than we helped. Still, part of me misses what we were before it all fell apart.

I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s normal. That maybe everyone who’s been in love before feels this way sometimes. That just because you move on doesn’t mean you erase the love you had. But deep down, it makes me feel guilty. Like I’m betraying my fiancé without even doing anything. He deserves all of me, not a part of me that’s stuck looking backward. And the worst part is, he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s patient with me, he’s honest, he loves me in a way that feels safe and steady. Maybe that’s part of the problem. My relationship with my ex was never steady—it was chaotic and passionate and sometimes toxic. But it made me feel alive in a way that calm love doesn’t always manage. And I hate that part of me still craves that mess sometimes.

There are nights when I lie awake next to my fiancé and wonder if I’m making a mistake. If maybe the reason I cant let go of my ex is because some part of me believes he was “the one” and I just let him go because it got too hard. But then I remember all the pain, all the crying, all the days I felt like I was losing myself just trying to keep him. Loving him wasn’t healthy, even if it was intense. And isn't love supposed to be more than just fire? Isn’t it supposed to be peace too? I know that rationally, but my heart... my heart still hasn’t fully caught up sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just nostalgia lying to me. Making me remember only the good parts and forget all the nights I cried myself to sleep wondering why I wasn’t enough for him. Nostalgia is a liar like that, painting the past prettier than it really was. I try to remind myself of the facts, the way he would leave me hanging for days, the way he made promises he never kept. But emotions aren't logical, and memories are trickyy. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m better off now, there’s still that ache when I think of what could’ve been, what we almost had.

I haven’t talked to my ex in a long time. Part of me wants to reach out just to see if he’s okay, but I know that’s a bad idea. I know that opening that door would only bring more confusion and hurt. So I keep my distance, for my sake and for my fiancé's. He doesn’t deserve half my heart. He deserves all of it. And maybe loving someone doesn’t always mean you’re supposed to be with them. Maybe sometimes love stays even when the person doesn’t. I guess that’s the lesson I’m still learning.

So yeah, maybe it is normal to still love your ex a little. Maybe it’s just part of being human. Love doesn’t have an off switch. But the important thing is what you do with those feelings. I choose to honor my past without letting it control my future. I choose to stay, to grow, to love the man who’s standing in front of me, not the memory of the one who left. And maybe one day, that stubborn ache will fade into something softer, something that doesn't hurt so much. Until then, I’ll keep moving forward, even when my heart sometimes wants to look back.

me and him have been best friends for literally forever: we met when we were like 5 or 6 and we been inseparable since. everyone always joked that we were like brother and sister or whatever and i used to laugh so hard at that. but now? now it feels different. and i hate that it does cause i don’t wanna ruin what we have. i don't even kno when i started catchin feelings for real. maybe it was the way he always remembered the smallest stuff about me or how he’s the only one who actually listens when i talk about my dumb drama. or maybe it was just one of those things that slowly grows when you’re not even paying attention. but now it’s all i can think about, and it’s freaking me out so bad.

like sometimes i catch myself just starin at him when he’s laughing or when he’s talkin about something he loves and my heart just melts. and i’m like, "oh no, this is not good." and it’s not just like a little crush either. it’s real. deep. i care about him so much it actually hurts. and i start thinking stuff like, what if he never feels the same? what if he finds out and it makes everything weird between us? what if he just stops wanting to be around me cause he’s uncomfortable? i can’t even imagine my life without him, like he’s been there for every important thing that’s happened to me since i can remember. and now i’m just here, ruining everything in my own head because i caught stupid feelings.

we hang out all the time still, but it feels different for me now. like when he bumps into me or hugs me goodbye, i get all nervous inside, like butterflies exploding in my stomach. and i have to act normal, like "haha yeah bro" when really i wanna scream "I LOVE YOU!!!" 😭 and it’s the worst. sometimes i wonder if he feels anything too, like little signs maybe? but then i tell myself i’m probly just imagining stuff. like last weekend we were watchin a movie and he rested his head on my shoulder for like two seconds and i swear my brain broke. but he didn’t act weird about it so maybe it was just nothin to him. meanwhile i’m sittin there havin a whole emotional breakdown.

i’ve thought about tellin him. so many times. like just blurting it out and seein what happens. but i’m so scared. what if he doesn’t feel the same and everything changes? what if he stops being my person? i’m not just scared of rejection, i’m scared of losing him completely. he's the one i go to when my life sucks, when i’m happy, when i’m confused, when i just wanna chill. if i lose that, idk what i’ll do. and maybe it’s selfish but part of me would rather keep him as a friend than risk not having him at all. it’s like being stuck between two horrible choices and no matter what, it’s gonna hurt.

some days i tell myself maybe it’s better if he never knows. that i’ll just get over it eventually. maybe if i meet someone else or go to college and move away or somethin, the feelings will fade. but deep down i know it wont be that easy. he’s not just some random guy, he’s him. my best friend. the one who knows all my favorite songs, who remembers my birthday better than i do, who always texts me good luck before every big test. how do you just stop loving someone like that? i dont think you can. and honestly, i don’t even want to.

i wish i was braver. i wish i could just tell him everything and have it all work out like in movies. but this isn’t a movie. it’s real life. and real life is messy and scary. so for now, i’ll just keep being his best friend, keep loving him quietly, and hope that someday maybe... just maybe... he’ll look at me and feel it too. and if not... well, at least i’ll still have him in some way. and that’s better than not having him at all. right?

so today the girl I like (A) got a little fake rose from her girlfriend (B), as far as I know neither of them know I like A.

usually I can deal with being around B.

But when I saw B give A that rose...

it felt like someone shot me.

Why does love hurt so freaking much.

Atp I'd rather have a heart of freaking stone than be in love.

Ive been thinking a lot of this lately. ever since matric, and uni, I've been so loaded with my procrastination, slow working pace, and poor time management; I felt I was constantly behind and even it's an endless cycle. because of that stress, I was always in my room, glued to one spot fighting myself and fighting with time, motivation and discipline to study (I still am); and I hardly went out of my room, I hardly spent any time with my family, hardly spoke, you know how it goes.

now its long days at uni and endless work and assignments, and nothing has changed since matric. I don't get how I procrastinate so much. I've tried everything - changed study spaces, tried different methods, deleted all social media applications, used timers, read motivational phrases, etc etc. I just can't seem to study and maintain the concentration, the ethic, the discipline. and because of this, I feel like every other time I spend out of my room, my study space, is time wasted and Im running short and I can't stay out here and waste time. I literally don't have any responsibilities around the house, and I feel guilty but also grateful to my parents for being so ..you know. everytime I do go visit my grandmother, who stays right next to our house, she tells me oh I don't even see you anymore. you always so busy. but i die with guilt that they think I'm sitting and hustling and grinding away, when I'm actually studying for 10 mins and the other 4 hours eg, are distractions.

another thing, my siblings hardly see me. I don't see myself playing any role as a sibling, and I'm afraid that they'll lose that already weak connection with me. I come home so tired and stressed that I don't connect, speak, laugh with him. I hate to admit but I don't want them to go out and spend long enough time with another person my age and compare me to that person, saying they wish they had a sibling like that person. I know I'm not enough, I'm not doing enough for them to be close to me to miss my presence. if I'm not there, they've already gotten so used to it, like it doesn't affect me. like they didn't even think about me, forget missing me. and I know my siblings so its about "maybe that's what I think but they could be missing and not saying". I know them. I don't want that me not being there is not even acknowledged. I want tthem to feel my absence, the slight emptiness. and the worst part is I wasn't like this- distant, disconnected with them, obviously.

I'm genuinely really struggling. please help me.

Maybe it is because I have always felt left out in crowds and never found someone who reciprocates the same feelings as me; or I might just have no potential in finding a partner without spiraling. I have been with a guy for 7 months now, he seems very sweet. Although, I have a bad past in my relationships: I have been cheated on, with a narcissist, and assaulted, all these with three different guys. These are probably the reasons I can’t trust my partner.

I am constantly worried about him being attracted to other girls, hating me, feeling annoyed of me, thinking he is going to do something bad to me or my body, and now he stops talking to me exactly at 17:30 and I think he’s growing tired of me. Most of the time I end up getting rid of these suspicions but I cannot shake them off ever. He does what a boyfriend is supposed to do but I just can’t believe he actually loves me.

I’m not blaming him for anything because I know deep down he’s not doing anything but no matter what I get these constant suspicions he likes my friend (which happened with the guy who cheated), he’s irritated with me, or that he is going to do what one of those guys did to me.

I need guidance man :( I don’t know what to do anymore