Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 31

I've been on this wild journey of self-discovery, and honestly, what a trip it’s been figuring out my damn sexuality. Like, one minute I’m crushing hard on this girl in my class, we vibe so well, and then the next, I’m drooling over some guy in a coffee shop, and I’m like, "what the actual heck is happening?" It’s like I’m a walking contradiction, and if anyone’s got a spare manual on this kinda stuff, hit me up! So, I’ve been trying labels on for size – bisexual, pansexual, queer – but nothing feels quite right; each label seems to fit like a shoe from the clearance rack at a thrift store, you know? One day I’m in the mood for a romantic comedy featuring a fierce female lead, the next, I’m binging on some brooding male anti-hero drama. Heck, I’ve even Googled “what is my sexuality?!” like a million times, coz surely the internet knows better than me, right? 😂 It feels like an episode of "Queer Eye" gone wrong, where they’re just yelling, “Love yourself, you’re fabulous!” while I’m over here like, “Thanks, but can I just get some clarity?” I remember this one time my best friend said, “You can love whoever the hell you want,” and I thought, wow, she’s onto something. Why do I even need a label? It’s like trudging through a minefield of expectations, assumptions, and stereotypes, and let’s face it, some people are so bent on shoving you into a specific box, it’s nauseating. We have “The Kinsey Scale,” which is cool and all, but I sometimes feel like saying, “Screw the scale, I’m just vibing.” I read somewhere that sexuality is fluid, and it makes total sense; I mean, one moment you’re in love with the idea of a picnic with a girl, and then suddenly you're all about a romantic evening with a dude and a bottle of wine. So, like, what am I? Do I really need to label it? Labels seem helpful, but they also seem restrictive. It’s a double-edged sword. And dating? Ugh, don’t even get me started. Trying to navigate that landscape feels like climbing Mount Everest without gear. Swipe left, swipe right, and the anxiety? It’s crippling. And the worst part is when someone asks, “So, what do you identify as?” and I’m like, “How about a hot mess?” You know that awkward moment when you’re honestly reflecting and you just want to scream “I’m just me?!” Sometimes I think, “Do I have to pick a side?” and the answer seems to be no. I mean, is it really that serious? Like, I read a quote that said, “Sexuality is like a rainbow: it’s made up of many colors,” and that resonates so much. I wanna play with all the colors! So anyway, I’m embracing whatever this is, because life’s too short to stress about it, right? I’ve had those nights where I just wanna melt into my blankets, binge-watch my favorite shows, and cry about confusing romance. It’s rough; I've asked myself if I'm overthinking it or if I’m just, I don’t know, bored with the binary? 😕 Some days I just want a partner who gets my latest obsession with true crime documentaries and how I think pineapple on pizza is a crime against humanity. Why are we so obsessed with labeling everything? Can’t it just be about feelings and vibes? I might still be in the thick of figuring this out, but I’m cool with that now; it’s part of the journey, and the journey is kinda beautiful in its chaos. Who’s with me on this? Anyone else feeling the weight of the world’s expectations, but also finding joy in the messiness of it all? Nobody should feel cornered or pressured to fit into a neat little label, I mean, “Sexuality is a spectrum, not a straitjacket,” right? Let’s enjoy the ride, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll discover that love comes in all shapes and sizes – and sometimes, it’s just about being open to whatever floats your boat;

I’m just sitting here, scrolling through photos of my husband, and honestly, it can get pretty lonely sometimes. Like, don’t get me wrong, I’m super proud of him; he’s out there serving and doing what he loves, but when I think about how my day-to-day looks compared to his, it feels like we’re living in separate worlds. I’m 27, and I just live in this small town, working my job, going to the gym, and hanging out with friends on weekends, but I always come home to an empty house. I mean, I’ve got my dog, and he’s a great buddy, but it's just not the same, you know? Plus, I miss all those little things we used to do together, like cooking dinner or binge-watching our favorite shows. Now, most nights, I just end up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, scrolling through Netflix, saying, “Wow, this would’ve been fun with him." 😔

I think one of the hardest parts is when I see everyone else enjoying their relationships. I mean, my friends will post those cute couple pics, and I’m really happy for them, but it hits different when you’re in a relationship but still feel alone. Every now and then, I catch myself staring at his empty side of the bed and wishing things were different. Just last week, I had a pretty rough day at work—I was all stressed out, and all I wanted was to talk to him. I picked up my phone, but then it hit me again that it was just going to be a short voice message. I mean, I’d pour my heart out, and he wouldn’t hear it until who knows when; it’s tough feeling so far away. But I try to focus on the good things, like keeping a journal where I write letters to him. It feels therapeutic, and maybe one day he’ll read them and just realize how much I miss him, you know?

For me, being a military spouse is a mixed bag; there are days when the loneliness just kind of creeps in, but I also find ways to stay connected. I set reminders for us to FaceTime at least once a week, and those little chats really make it worth it. I’ve started finding little hobbies too, like painting, which helps me work through feelings and express myself. It’s like a little escape right at home when I can’t be with him. Maybe you’ve found yourself feeling lonely in your relationship too? I hope to hold onto that hope that this phase will get better and that one day, we’ll have more time together. It’s all about the little moments we create, even from miles away; I just need to hang in there and keep looking forward to when we’ll finally be together again.

I have a friend I'll call V, and I've been with him for a really long time. Something I've noticed through the years is that he's really irratable, and his mood can switch within seconds. He's a really nice person overall, but sometimes I wonder if he's going too far. In the past week, I created a youtube channel and made a challange that whichever one of my friends finds it first gets a prize I couldn't think of, so V reccomened $30 bucks and we agreed. From what I've understood, both of us have been really exited (V had a lot of questions about the channel and whatnot, and I would update them about the first video frequently). But recently, I don't know what happened but I think they kind of snapped and told me the whole challange thing was cringe, and from what I can tell got mad about how I couldn't think of a reward and needed ideas at the begining. I don't know if I did anything wrong recently, but I've kind of given up on asking that because of how pissed they get when I do (even when I explain how my autism kind of makes me not know what happened, and me asking what I did isn't me trying to be rude but genuinely wanting to know to take responsability). I don't know what they want me to do either, because it's always mixed. They're the reason I've become a better person (because I used to be a terrible friend to an older friend), but at the same time make me wonder why I even try anymore. At the beginning of the year, they told me I should actually show I care about people (back then I would love people to death but not know how to show it), yet when I started asking questions about their day they said it was annoying and so at some point I just stopped. The only way I really know how to interact with V is by just nodding along when they talk about their intrests, but then that backfires because they say I have no personality and they don't like people with no personalities. I don't feel like I can talk about my personal life with them anymore, and it's gone as far as when two of my pets died I just shut up about it. They say that they know a lot about me and my life (because they say I yapp a lot, though I've been going nonverbal around them), but I know there's a lot I need to tell them (like my triggers and such) that I physicaly cannot now. I've changed over the past year, but the past is the only version of myself that they know.

I'm just tired and really didn't want my summer break to start off this way. I know thats there's still probably a lot they're going through that I don't know about, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm just tired of this happening and really wish they'd communicate what they want more because I'm very confused.

i dunno how many times i’ve been through this but it always feels like the first time. you meet someone, you get your hopes up, you think maybe this time it’s different, maybe she actually sees something in you—then boom! ghosted or hit with the “you’re nice but…” line. why is it always that?! why do they go on dates if they already not interested?? like, if u don’t want a second date, don’t go on the first one, right? 😑 it’s not like i’m weird or creepy or anything. i just try to be myself, talk, listen, smile—normal stuff. but somehow it never clicks. it’s always one or two dates, then silence. sometimes i even check my texts 20 times a day like an idiot waiting for replies that never come. pathetic. it’s not like i’m expecting a fairytale, but at least some honesty would be nice!

i’m 21, still a virgin, not that it matters but somehow it feels like it does. i know we’re not supposed to care about that anymore but let’s be real, everyone does. when you see everyone around hooking up or having stories to tell, it messes with your brain. it’s not about sex itself but just feeling like you’re part of the world, like you belong. i go on campus and see couples all the time, holding hands, laughing, doing all that couple-y stuff and i wonder if i’ll ever get to do that. i try meeting girls, usually through class groups or during campus events. and at first they seem to like talking to me, we laugh, we text, and i ask them out. we grab coffee or go for a walk, and i think “okay, this is going alright,” but then i get the vibe shift. you know that weird pause between texts, that tone change, and you just know they’re gonna bail soon. and every time it happens, i tell myself maybe i was too nice or too boring or too something. but how do you even fix that if you don’t know what the problem is?;

it’s hard not to internalize it. like yeah, people say “don’t take it personal,” but how can you not? it’s always me getting rejected. logically, i know it's just not a match or whatever but emotionally, it still hits. i’ve even had girls say “you’re sweet but i don’t feel that spark” and that spark word feels like a knife. what even is that spark? am i just incapable of generating it? is it something i’m missing? maybe i’m too slow, or too respectful, maybe girls my age want someone more bold or mysterious or whatever. i don’t even know how to act differently without being fake. and even when i try to be chill about it, pretend i don’t care, it still messes with me later when i’m alone at night overthinking every tiny thing i said or did. i try to stay busy, hit the gym, study, keep social but man it’s exhausting pretending this stuff doesn’t affect me.

so yeah, how do you even deal with this kind of rejection?? how do you stop feeling like you’re constantly not enough? is it supposed to get better or is this just how it goes for some of us? i’m not trying to sound dramatic or anything, just genuinely wondering if anyone else has been through this. not looking for pity either. just tired of feeling stuck in this weird space where you keep trying and hoping, and it keeps leading nowhere. and the worst part is, it makes you start doubting your own worth even when deep down you know you’re a decent guy. just wish i could stop caring so much, but i do. guess that’s the part that sucks the most.

Long vent

Super, super long day today. I feel exhausted and just honestly like a wet rag.

Had two tests today and idk how to feel about them. I don't think they went bad, but i do think i could've done better. I did study, but not as much as i wanted to, cause yesterday i felt really bad and couldn't continue for a while. I just kinda wanted to go home and sleep forever, but then my mom told me that this morning my grandpa called (from my dads side, we're not good terms with them) and got aggressive and insulted her over the phone. Now she'd like me to call him and defend her, I think. Maybe argue back and throw some insults of my own. But i get really nervous in arguements and It takes nothing to make me start crying, and Just the thought of calling and argueing with them specifically freaks me out. I don't know what do right now. I'm just tired of everything.

I feel like my coworkers have been excluding me from the group they were in for a long time; in fact, everyone did. They all try to hide the fact that I'm on the outside, silent. I feel like it's not fair. It can't be that I'm excluded within my own work group. I feel like I like a girl. Could this be the same thing happening to her? It bothers me that they sometimes let me know when something is published for others and when it's not.

Yesterday they had a meal and in front of the others they left me alone. I was starving, I didn't have a spoon, and my coworkers knew it, and they continued after I was given a spoon and they didn't. I feel like my coworkers left me behind, and it's not fair. How can I not sell my head to someone else? I haven't felt anyone with me for a long time. I admit it, I feel alone. Since my treatment, I feel alone. I'm provoked by a gentleman who's bothering me and making a scene to see if they really care about me, but it's no use. I'd be exposing myself, something I might not be able to get out of later.

Why am I ostracized at work? Why is it that my coworkers and I aren't one and the same? It's just them and me, it's that simple. In fact, once I was eating alone, they saw me, my boss didn't even appreciate my meal, and he and a coworker were eating on their own. Why isn't there any desire to be with me? Why is there no desire to be with me? Why is everyone ignoring me? What's wrong with me, for God's sake? What's going on here? Why can't I share these kinds of stories on Facebook? I had so many things to express, and the page censored me. That made me so angry. I hope I don't use this website; I really need it to vent. Why can't I be with a person like any other human being?

Why can't I count on anyone around me, my God? Why is it them and me on my side? Why do we pretend nothing's happening? Why am I so weird? Why am I so strange? I feel like I'd really like to get into trouble just to get attention. I admit it, I feel like I'm weird. I don't like being disrespectful, I can't stand disrespect, I demand respect for my work, I like to respect my health at all costs, I'm more modern than them, I reject academic degrees, but despite this, I act as if I have the requirements for obtaining them, I'm not attached to my family, and despite everything, since all of that defines what I think about myself, I do things well. Otherwise, it would bring me problems, that is, people would say that I don't do them well, and here it's the opposite, and that's exactly what makes them embrace me, but not stay there in the long run, given such characteristics. They tolerate me, however, they use those free moments to stop the effort, and frankly, I understand them; I would do the same.

I feel that a man I know has a life that is too disdainful and hasn't known what to do with it, undoubtedly because he doesn't face the events of his past and present. That is, he dwells in them without leaving them, and bases his life solely on fleeing from such issues, from such feelings. In fact, that's why his routine is structured; we agree that we both want to protect our routine, but the foundation and the people are different, that is:

- I'm somewhere between good and bad because my colleagues and I don't quite gel, so there's no extreme. On the other hand, I'm fair, because it clashes and at the same time he tries to keep himself from going deeper, even though he doesn't succeed, which is a huge burden on his life because he feels like his life is always going downhill. I used to feel it, but it was a sensation I had to navigate, given that there is a structure that sustains me.

I base my routine on the freedom to generate ideas for myself and give myself context regarding my surroundings; in his case, however, it's based on remaining on the run from his feelings. My routine seeks confrontation, while his, absence. Indeed, we both flee the consequences of worsening disasters, given that the same path is followed, only mine leads to a favorable course of action, while his leads to a dead end, resulting in despair, which in my case results in nothing but tranquility.

That gentleman and I are superficially similar; however, deep down, we are radically different people. We have no business together. Another difference: I seek to be cautious when getting involved with another, allowing for open spaces within the timeframe that allows; he, for his part, doesn't take that timeframe into account. We can't be together, given that we will enter into a debate of ideas regarding how to do things in a constant manner. Our relationship is impossible. Besides, I choose to take the consequences into account and he doesn't. Such a relationship would go towards a Take me by his side, because of his blindness, because on my part these are issues I would have to explain to him, and he simply refuses. That is to say, the validity would be on his grounds and not mine. Because of mine, I am a developed entity, unlike him, and he ignores it. Therefore, it results in a toxic friendship, in that it would lead to my depersonalization, and the idea is for it to remain valid.

I have to say it. It's a shame that a person similar to me—in terms of, in my opinion, intelligence, interest in writing, learning methods, loneliness, turbulent past, research, sacrifice, and difficulty in life—cannot be with me. We can relate. However, it is a superficial similarity because the aforementioned are means, and the same as a whole, as we have seen, embrace dealing with one or fleeing from one, and therein lies the difference, and in which a necessary distancing is warranted. Indeed, these means are my refuge to recover, as is your case, however, the issue between him and me also lies in the effects on the environment as well, in your case these effects result in a way of staying the same, in your routine, in my case too, however, in the expression of feelings, that is where maturity lies and hence the above: We are simply going to tend to fight together. It is reiterated what was said: It is healthy to separate it, to separate would only settle on unhealthy ground.

you know that saying "this too shall pass"? yeah, I see it everywhere and honestly, I’m kinda over it. I mean, do we really need a reminder that tough times won’t last forever? like, it’s kinda obvious, right? last week, I had one of those days where nothing goes right. I spilled coffee all over my favorite shirt, got stuck in traffic, and then my boss dropped a ton of work on me out of nowhere. it was just one of those moments where I wanted to scream. I remember sitting at my desk, feeling totally overwhelmed, and hearing my coworker say, "remember, this too shall pass." I smiled, but inside I was rolling my eyes, like seriously? you think I don’t know that? I know life is a rollercoaster, ups and downs and all that jazz, but it doesn’t make it easier when you’re in the middle of a low point. sometimes, you just want to vent without the pep talk. I get that people mean well, but it feels like such a cliché, ya know? just last month, I had a really rough breakup. like, it turned my world upside down. I was crying at all the random places, even in my car at red lights. one of my friends kept saying, “this too shall pass,” and I wanted to yell, “yes, but right now I’m just holding on to the box of ice cream and my sad playlist!” it’s frustrating when you just need someone to listen instead of throwing out some generic phrase. have you felt that way? sometimes it’s hard to see the light when you’re deep in the mud. I totally understand and appreciate the sentiment behind those words, but sometimes, I just want to wallow a little bit, you know? life feels like it’s throwing all sorts of curveballs, and every time I hear that phrase, it feels like yet another reminder that I'm stuck in this moment. so what if I want to sit in it for a while? sometimes I think it’d be nice to just let it all out and not have to hear someone telling me it’ll be okay. why can’t we just be real about how we feel sometimes? the world isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. it’s messy. you feel hurt, frustrated, and sometimes downright exhausted. that’s totally normal, right? my sister always tells me that life’s a marathon, not a sprint, and while I get that, dang, sometimes I just want to hurl my running shoes out the window and take a break on the couch with chips and a good show. it’s like we have this pressure to carry on and act like everything’s fine when really, it’s just not. I remember last year when I was stuck in a rut and couldn’t figure out what the heck to do with my life. friends would say, “hang in there; this too shall pass!” and I’d just nod, thinking to myself, "like, can you see I’m not actually hanging in there?" I wanted someone to recognize that my struggle was valid. we all deal with stuff differently. crying it out doesn’t mean we’re weak, and feeling frustrated doesn’t mean we’re not handling things. everyone has their moments, and I really think it’s okay to feel bad sometimes, without someone reminding us it’ll get better. like, when will it get better? I guess we just have to ride the waves and deal with it together. even when I see those words pop up again, in a post or a text, I’ll probably roll my eyes again. but I’ll also try to remember that everyone's just trying to support each other, even if it feels a little off sometimes. does that make sense? it’s tough, but I guess we just take it step by step, right?

I'm 41, living in San Francisco, and working in IT—a field I used to love, or at least respect. But lately, it feels like I’m just drifting through loops of Jira tickets and endless Zoom calls, chasing deadlines that don’t mean anything. The money’s fine, the perks are shiny, and yet every morning I wake up with this dull ache in my chest, wondering, Is this really it? 😶 You ever look at your screen and feel like you’re coding your soul into oblivion? I’ve spent nearly two decades optimizing systems and building apps, but for what? At some point, I stopped building anything that felt like it mattered. I find myself googling “farm jobs in Portugal” or “how to start a tiny house Airbnb in the woods.” A part of me wants out, desperately, and not in a dramatic way—just a quiet pivot into something real. Something grounded.

I had a conversation last week with a friend who left his engineering job to become a school counselor. He told me, “I make half as much, but I sleep better and laugh more.” That stuck with me. What’s the point of security if you’re never mentally present to enjoy it? I keep picturing a life with fewer pings and more peace. I want to do work that aligns with my values, where I’m not just another node in a corporate network. Maybe I’ll teach, maybe I’ll run a coffee truck in a mountain town; I don’t know yet, and that uncertainty is actually kind of exciting. Even my therapist said, “Sometimes burnout is just your soul begging you to pay attention.” And I am. I’m listening—finally. I’ve started saving more aggressively, decluttering my place, and having the tough conversations with myself. Do I stay and numb myself with stability, or leap and try to rediscover meaning?

If you’re still reading this, maybe you’ve felt it too—that pull toward something different. Something simpler, more aligned. I’m not naive; I know leaving a career at this stage isn’t easy. But maybe what’s harder is staying in a space that quietly chips away at your spirit. I don’t hate tech, but I do resent what it turned me into—a guy who checks his Slack messages on vacation and calls it “being responsible.” 🤦‍♂️ There’s a whole world out there, and I’m finally curious enough to step into it. One of my favorite quotes lately is from Joseph Campbell: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” So I guess the question is—what are you afraid to leave behind; and is it truly serving you, or just keeping you comfortably stuck?

i grew up believing something was off, but i couldn’t quite put my finger on it. it wasn't until i hit my late twenties and started therapy that the pieces clicked. both of my parents exhibit behavior that's frighteningly consistent with narcissistic personality traits. my therapist used the term “narcissistic perverts” once, and it rattled me, because it fit too well. not in a dramatic, made-for-tv kind of way, but in the slow, insidious kind of manipulation that wears you down without you even realizing it. it’s exhausting living with the constant feeling that your emotions are invalid, your achievements are never enough, and your boundaries are optional suggestions they feel free to ignore whenever it suits them 😒

my dad masks his manipulation behind a facade of reason and logic. he’ll say things like “i’m just being honest” or “you’re too sensitive” whenever i try to call him out on his emotionally dismissive behavior. growing up, he would tell me i was “too dramatic” whenever i cried or got upset, even if i had a legitimate reason. like when i came home from school one day in tears because a teacher publicly embarrassed me—his response? “you probably deserved it.” that sentence never left me. it etched itself into my memory as one of the countless times he made me feel small. he doesn’t scream. he doesn’t throw things. but his silence and cold logic cut deeper than any raised voice ever could.

my mom, on the other hand, plays the victim card like it’s her career. everything is always about her. if i tried to talk about a bad day at work, somehow it would spiral into a conversation about how she once had it worse. i remember mentioning i was struggling with depression in my early twenties, and her response was, “you don’t know real pain until you’ve been a mother.” i just stood there, numb. there was no space for my pain, only hers. she uses guilt like currency—reminding me of the sacrifices she made and how ungrateful i am for not calling every day. “after everything i did for you, this is how you repay me?” is her go-to line whenever i set even the smallest boundary.

what makes it worse is the gaslighting. when i bring up specific moments or confront them with how their actions made me feel, they either deny it happened or tell me i “misremembered.” it’s like arguing with a wall that changes shape every time you touch it. nothing sticks, and you start questioning your own perception of reality. this constant emotional distortion makes it hard to trust others—and harder to trust myself. even now, when my friends validate my experiences, there's still a little voice in my head whispering, are you sure you're not just being dramatic again? 🤷‍♀️

lately, i've been distancing myself. i limit contact to occasional texts and birthdays. part of me feels guilty—like i’m being a “bad daughter.” but another part, the part that’s finally learning to breathe, knows this space is necessary. healing doesn’t mean pretending it never happened or forgiving before you're ready. sometimes it means stepping back, protecting your peace, and acknowledging that some people—yes, even parents—are toxic. do you ever wonder how many people walk around thinking they’re broken, when really, they were just raised by people who shattered them without ever lifting a hand? if you’re reading this and it resonates, i hope you know: you’re not crazy. you’re not dramatic. you’re not alone. 🖤

i’ve been sitting on this for a while because i don’t even know if it’s my place to bring it up, but it’s been eating at me. a close friend—let’s call him ben—confided in me about his struggles with porn addiction. he didn’t use those exact words, of course. he said things like, “i think i overdo it” and “it’s messing with how i see people.” i didn’t know how to react. i just listened, nodded, told him it’s okay to talk about it. but the truth is, i felt wildly underqualified. i don’t have experience with addiction. i don’t even know what’s considered “normal” anymore with all the stuff floating around online. still, i want to help him. i’m just not sure how.

we talked again a few days later. he mentioned trying to stop but always ending up “relapsing” after a few days. that’s when it hit me—it’s not about willpower. something deeper’s going on. i asked if he’d thought about therapy. he shrugged and said he didn’t think it was “that serious.” is it ever “that serious” in your own mind until someone else tells you it is? i didn’t push him but i planted the seed. maybe that was enough, maybe not. i don’t know. he also talked about how it’s affecting his relationships, how he finds it hard to feel emotionally close to someone when his brain is so rewired. that’s what he said—rewired. like it’s not just a habit, but a full-on shift in how he thinks and feels. scary stuff, honestly;

then came the real curveball. he asked me to hold him accountable. to check in with him, to “help him track progress.” and i wanted to say yes, i really did. but i also knew that puts me in a spot i don’t fully understand. like, what if he fails and feels ashamed to tell me? what if i say the wrong thing and make it worse? i’m not a sponsor or therapist. i’m just a friend. so i told him that, plainly. i said i’d support him and check in when i can, but he needs to be the one steering the ship. he seemed to get it. we talked about maybe finding some online communities—there’s got to be a subreddit or forum somewhere, right? not just for the addiction part but for figuring out how to build healthy habits again. i think that’s the bigger picture here—replacing the behavior with something real, something grounding.

but here’s the thing i keep circling back to: how do you really help someone with a porn addiction? not just nod and say “i’m here for you,” but actually support them in a way that leads to something better? is it about sending resources? is it just being a steady presence? or is there a line where being supportive turns into enabling or putting yourself in an emotional spot you’re not ready for? i don’t have the answers. i’m not sure anyone truly does unless they’ve lived through it. but if you’ve been there, or helped someone who has, what did you do that actually made a difference? what should i avoid? i want to be there for ben, but not at the cost of either of us getting pulled deeper into a place we’re not ready for.

it's hard to understand why people can be so mean at work, isn't it? i'm 23 and have been in a few different office settings, but every time, it’s like there’s this cloud of negativity hanging around. just last week, my coworker snapped at me over something trivial, saying, "if you can't handle simple tasks, maybe this isn't the right place for you." that hit more than it should have, but it seems to be the norm these days. instead of fostering teamwork and collaboration, it feels like everyone is constantly on edge, competing with each other rather than cheering each other on. i often find myself thinking about how important a positive work environment is. studies show that employees who feel appreciated and supported tend to be more productive and happy. how can we change this culture of meanness, though?

sometimes, it feels like we’re all in some sort of survival mode. i have a friend who works in retail, and she often talks about how customers can be just as harsh. it's not just the coworker drama; it's the pressure from clients or managers that seems to escalate the hostility. the other day, i overheard someone mention, "this isn’t high school anymore," as if that’s an excuse to treat people poorly. how ironic, right? i truly believe we should be uplifting one another. every little compliment or act of kindness can make a huge difference, like sharing a laugh or acknowledging someone’s effort on a project. what if we all just made an effort to spread some good vibes, instead of adding to the negativity? 🌼 i guess in a world that sometimes feels so cold, we could be the change we’d like to see.

it seems that most people don’t understand the silent struggles many face, particularly when it comes to mental health. for some, panic attacks occur without the familiar outward signs; instead, they’re discreet episodes that manifest internally. often, these silent panic attacks creep up when least expected, leaving the individual in a whirlwind of confusion and unease. has anyone else ever found themselves in a similar predicament? 😕 the reality for many is one of isolation, as the outside world continues its pace while the individual grapples with an unseen storm.

one may find themselves at a social gathering, surrounded by laughter and conversation, yet feeling inexplicably detached. the heart races, palms sweat, and a feeling of impending doom looms overhead. friends may speak, but their voices are drowned out by the cacophony of racing thoughts and rising anxiety. such instances challenge the individual to maintain an outward appearance of composure while their mind engages in a frantic battle. it begs the question: how does one articulate a silent struggle when the world expects a smile? 🎭

situations arise when the tension becomes so palpable that breath feels scarce. a sudden wave of panic might wash over, leaving one feeling trapped in their own skin. the claustrophobic sensation of being surrounded, yet utterly alone, creates a profound disconnect. the mental fog thickens, causing concentration to falter. it is during these moments of solitude that one ponders the magnitude of perception versus reality. does anyone else experience that moment when everything seems amplified, yet others remain blissfully unaware of your turmoil? 😰

throughout these silent moments, a multitude of coping mechanisms may emerge. whether it’s grounding techniques, deep breathing, or simply stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, the response to such events is deeply individualized. however, the lingering feeling of wanting to express one’s fears can often lead to a sense of frustration. the question persists: is there a way to bridge the gap between personal experiences and external acknowledgment? contextually, how does one convey the urgency of their silent battles without appearing overly dramatic? combating these internal demons requires not only resilience but also a sense of connection with others, even if that connection is predicated on shared, silent understanding. 🌈

Have you ever felt like your mother is the source of your problems? Yeah? Me too. Like she is the fuel in the fire that I am drowning in. She is providing me all this warm and then burning me, leaving scars on the skin. My mother talks about toxicity, bad friends, bad life choices. She tells me how *I* feel. She doesn't know me, does she? No. She thinks she does, the cause of all my problems. The hopelessness, the pain, the anger that follows it all. I hate it.

I hate my mother.

amid the chaos of daily life, one often seeks solace and rejuvenation. recently, I found myself exploring various methods of healing meditation. this journey began as a necessity, a response to the overwhelming stress I had been experiencing. each evening, I would carve out time to disconnect from technology and immerse myself in the soothing environment of my living room. I would sit comfortably on a plush meditation cushion, dim the lights, and create a serene atmosphere by lighting a calming lavender candle. these small rituals became anchors amidst the storm of my thoughts. during meditation, I found myself focusing on my breath, allowing the rhythm of inhalation and exhalation to ground me. it is fascinating how such a simple act can bring clarity. those moments in stillness revealed patterns of anxiety that I had not fully acknowledged. 🌿 so, would it not be beneficial to embrace such practices, even if just for a few minutes each day, to promote mental well-being?

over time, I discovered that healing meditation is not merely an escape; it is an exploration of one's inner landscape. I would gently guide my mind to embrace thoughts without judgment. this process, though at times challenging, cultivated a sense of acceptance. I began to realize that healing goes beyond just relaxing. it involves confronting emotions that linger beneath the surface, allowing oneself to experience them fully. during these sessions, I would visualize vibrant colors washing over me, nurturing each lingering worry and transforming it into something more positive.✨ I ponder how many individuals bypass this opportunity for introspection. is the fear of vulnerability holding us back from true healing? while the journey may not offer immediate results, there lies the potential for profound transformation with consistent practice. embracing this path has not only enhanced my emotional resilience but also instilled a newfound appreciation for life’s simplest moments.

I am an only child, now 38 years of age, NOT married but has a baby and in good terms with the father of my baby - he is still my boyfriend

All my life my hero was my dad. He’d give me all i ask for. I was spoiled. I was a brat. Though it was like that, I knew he has some negative traits but i ignored. I would question only in the back of my mind but i wouldnt say anything because i wasnt allowed to talk back to elders, it was like an ultimate crime for a child to talk back to parents (even if questioning or defending).

His negative traits are:

HE LOOKS DOWN ON THE LESS FORTUNATE - he thinks highly of himself.

1)When i was young, he told me to slap my female cousin whenever she doesnt follow my command. And i even did one time sadly. I apologozed for it but he never did. He bribed her with stationeries and other things but never said the word sorry.

2)he discriminates my uncle (mom’s brother, so his brother in law) because he is gay. Whenever he passes by, he would talk to someone with him (usually service drivers) and say “if he was my brother, that will not be allowed. I will beat him til he becomes a man” the person he would say that to, doesnt react at all, seen it many times. He was like that since i was young. It’s one of the things i questioned in my head “what’s wrong if he’s gay? He is the one who tutored me, your daughter. He is the one who will drop off and pick up your daughter, ME, from school”

3)he discriminates my cousin (again, mother side) because he has autism. He will say things like “he’s old but he isnt normal, everything about him is just wrong”

HE HURTS ANIMALS

1)there were several times when i was in mu early 20s that i planned to move out and take my cats and dogs with me, my aunt (mom side) will just fix things between me and my dad. He never did say sorry for hurting any of my pets before. He never made initiative to make peace, as mentioned, my aunt would fix things between us

2)my mom slipped. There was a time when we talked on the phone and she told me she gave away her chihuahua because he has become too aggressive. And then when i actually talked to her in person she said that the chihuahua died because my dad my hitting him constantly with a bamboo stick

HE IS A HYPOCRITE

1)he actually said my cousin was like a frustrated sexy star then when things got messy between my dad and i (more of this mess later on), my cousin admitted that he was molesting her before. So she asked her boyfriend to get pregnant because it was her ticket out and she did get out but she said my dad uses to send her messages like “you are more beautiful now that you have your own kids”

2)my boyfriend buys him his maintenance medicine so we barely have money left for us so sometimes we cant immediately buy extra things for our baby, like a pacifier. It’s cheap but it’s not a necessity and i will hear him say “what kind of parent isbthat?! Cant even buy this, or that”. My boyfriend even bought him food for his birthday and he never said thank you to him. And instead he even asked about my ex boyfriend, the ex that hurt me physically, Used and abused me everyday, and my dad knows that.

Those are just some samples to describe him.

Now the family drama…

I worked abroad for 8 years. Came home only once, in the 4th year. And i came back home again because i was pregnant. I didnt want to marry nor have kids. I had a horrible experience with my ex. He would use and abuse me daily, and he even got me pregnant but hotnit aborted. He shoved pills down my throat regularly. But i never bled. There was pain and that’s when our baby got aborted. The midwife said it was better because the baby wouldnt have been normal anymore from the pills. That is just a summary of why i dont want to marry and have a baby. I am scared. But i have changed my mind regarding pregnancy but not marriage and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. I did in the second year but miscarried at 4th month. I set aside trying to get pregnant but i did again after 3 months from the miscarriage. So i went back home thinking things changed well it did but for the worse. I am in a long distance relationship and i live in hell.

During my pregnancy my dad cursed at my boyfriend when he wanted to look for another doctor for second opinion because it was all caesarean caesarean all the way. When i finally gave birth, my boyfriend paid for everything by the way and he is still the one supporting me and our baby and he is still the one buying my father’s meds and he is still the one giving additional financial support to MY family for food etc because im a full time stay at home mom, i dont have my own money.

Newborn. Well my newborn cried nonstop for the first 2/3 weeks. My father will go “sigh” “here we go again” and even one time he cursed at my baby he said “make THAT THING stop crying, because it is so annoying” i never said anything. So when i was left watching over my baby, who was crying, he went and called my mom i can hear him say “THAT will die soon” so when they opened the door i just yelled “dont even get involved because you know nothing of taking care of a baby” i know cos my mom told me, i was cared for mostly by grandma, uncles and aunts during the day. And night it was my other grandma and my mom. My dad even gave me expired milk so HELLO, he doesnt know how to take care of baby. Then we never talked. It was his way. I learned from him so i dont talk to him too. One time after my baby’s vaccinations, so she was all fussy and crying again, my dad cursed at me from the window - i ignored. He went in side the house and to the room where me and my baby was to curse at me again “aon of a bitch! Why dont you give milk?! You devil!” So i said in a flat tone cos i am pissed with what he said but trying to be patient “she doesnt want mlik” then He pointed at my face and said that i was being rude. So as he walked away, I stared at him thinking “what” then he started talking again “how dare you stare at me” “stop staring you bastard” never said anything but i kept staring cos i am confused he kept on cursing at me then came back to hit me in the shoulder when i was carrying my crying baby so i snapped. Really, i cant contain myself anymore. Hit me while carrying my baby? No no! So i just yelled back “yeah keep hitting me” “do it” he put his fist on my cheek and he put his 2 fingers on my eyes and i yelled “you think so high of yourself” then he cursed me and my boyfriend. My mom came and stopped the yelling but me and my dad never talked since then.

I can hear him sometimes talking about me and my boyfriend

“No more dreams and aspirations”

-i chose to be a stay at home mom, and that is bad in his eyes. I should be working.

“They should die. I dont care. They’re the devil”

So what i want to rant about is that everyday my father would have renovations at home. Hammer. Saw. Furnitures moving around. -my baby cant sleep at all. So when she wakes up and cries he’s gonna go look and say lots of things like the way i take care of my baby is wrong.

We’re gonna leave in about a month. My mom asked for one last thing and that is my boyfriend to come pick us up, i want to give her that. But i feel bad for my baby really. No sleep.