Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 32

I'm not even shocked at this point hahahah they've done that to me before years before they gonna do it again right now lol 😂

This is not for minors I dunno don't read if you can't, be safe. This is going to be about sexual stuff. This is going to include topics like SA! and other disturbing shit. I don't know if the story really fits the category but i couldn't find a better one. It's going to be long, so yall can skip it I don't mind. This also may be nonsensical because i cant write.

So starting off I'm very, very messed up. Im scared to talk about this even to a therapist and I will understand if you tell me im disgusting and horrible. Heres me trying to explain how I got to this point.

The first time i heard about sex was when i was in kindergarten. I don't remember much but I remember one of my friends walked in on her parents and was telling us about it. I was very confused about what was happening because I'd never heard of it. I don't think i was even given the warning to tell my parents if someone touched me. But that doesn't really matter.

So fast forward like a few years i was at the end of kindergarten like the late years. I hadn't started school yet. My mom during summer would leave me and my sister's at my grandma's for a week and our cousins would come and visit us. My cousin was only a year older than me and I would play with dolls with her. Only the games would be really messed up. She would act out scenarios where the guy was like 20-30 years old and the girl was like 12- 18 at most. In short the stories would normally go like this. The guy kidnaps her, locks her up, r@pes her multiple times and she falls in love with him. Of course at that age i didn't know how messed up it was i didn't even know what was sex and when I asked she gave me a very fuxked up explanation. We were both kids. I was scared my mom would be mad if I told her what we played so I never did.

Now again skipping a few years I'm in school. The boys in my class are even in 1st grade finding porn sites and other shit like that. I still was mostly confused and didn't interact with any of it. Until one day when i was like 12 or 11 or something. My friend invited me over to her house. And she told me: I will show you something but you can't tell anyone. She shows me corn sites... And not even the normal ones like hardcore bdsm shit. And of course like the little stupid kid I was like I got hooked. I have ADHD that might be part of it. At that time I freshly got my first phone that had internet. I immediately got hooked. But my mom caught me. And then we had a sit down talk about what is sex and how it actually works.

And that might've worked if i already wasn't so messed up. I was still watching but i got better at hiding it.

A little while later I joined a fandom. It was fine and cool but the fandom had really gross shipping culture and I stumbled upon it and again got way too into it. First i just found fan content on tik tok. Then it was Fanart then Wattpad and then finally the beast AO3. Even though until this point I had already been seeing some weird shit. AO3 was the thing that took it off the rail. The sorting system on the site is pretty hard for beginners and I started to read some very disturbing and disgusting stuff. I think I got addicted both to mastu*bating and to corn.

And here i am now.

I'm addicted to the shit. I hate myself. Whatever you think I've read I can assure you I've read worse. The thing is I don't normally consume that shit. I feel disgusted when i see it. But when I'm excited it's like my brain turns off and i am ready to see the most disgusting stuff and every time I need something more. And after post nut clarity hits i want to kill myself. And like you may say bdsm thats a normal kink DW. But its not. The shit I read contains noncon sometimes gore and even worse stuff. I'm not actually attracted to any of it. At least I hope so.

Okay that's it. I understand if no-one reads this. And I completely understand that if you do you call me disgusting. I am. I know. I wish it was different. I wish I could just wipe my mind clean. But i cant.

Okay bye have nice day if you read this and even if you didn't.

Yours truly, Most fucked up girl in the world.

my head hurts, I'm dizzy, I can barely breathe. I don't think I'll be able to stomach food, and I can barely swallow the special water my mom gives me every day. I draw a lot, but today the only thing I was able to draw today was Jason Voorhees because of the mask. I feel weak. Mentally and physically. Only 8 days into high school and it's already taking its toll.

Do you hear it, Bowie? The ringing. You've always been here. You can't leave.

I just want to be gone. I’m not important and I have no purpose. I’m useless and a replaceable. Hopefully I’ll be gone

I have a lot of emotions right now, and I just really need to share with someone. I don't want to burden any of my friends with this because I don't want it to seem like I am making a big deal over nothing. I just have a lot hitting me at once right now and I need to get it off my chest. first off is the thing that is bugging me the most right now. my family has been doing foster care for a while now. one thing I have noticed since we started is that I generally try not to get attached to the kids staying with us. foster care almost always ends in the kids being away from us. which is not a bad thing, it just means that the kid's parents are doing better so they can be reunited. which is usually much better for the kids. however, as a foster sibling, it makes it much harder to say goodbye after living together for so long. this has caused me to put walls up and not get too attached so that it doesn't hurt as much when it is time to say goodbye. well, we currently have a little kid staying with us who has a lot of medical needs. this kid has been staying with us for quite some time. he had to be brought in to the hospital today and then flown to another hospital that is fairly far away from us. we had no clue that this would end up being the case. anyway, it is killing me because of how much I miss him right now. the kid has turned into a real brother for me. I miss him and I am worried that he will be stuck in that hospital for several weeks again. the first time that he had to stay up there for a few weeks didn't affect me too much. for some reason it is making me really sad this time. it is making me genuinely scared of having to say goodbye. if I can hardly handle this, I don't know what I am going to do if he goes back to his family. I am worried about the kid and I am genuinely starting to love him like a little brother, and it scares me.

the second thing I needed to vent about isn't as big of a deal, but it is still getting under my skin. I have to start my junior year in high-school in two days and I am dreading it. I have been in denial and trying not to think about it, so I am not mentally prepared whatsoever. I don't want to go back because school and the dual credit classes I have been taking are mentally, physically and time draining. I have had a little break over the summer, and I finally feel relaxed and like myself again. I have been able to enjoy myself without being in a state of complete exhaustion all the time. I am not ready to let that go. I am also terrified for all the big tests I will have to take at the end of the year. this has all been stressing me out, but the thing that gets me the worst is how scared I am to grow up. I am trying to enjoy my childhood as much as possible, which is extremely difficult to do when all my time is filled with school work and chores. last year I felt lucky if I got to watch an entire movie in one go without loosing a bunch more sleep than I already was. I am terrified to have to be an adult because everyone talks about how horrible it is. I have tried to bring that up to my parents but my dad always just says that it only gets worse as you get older. I don't want to have to be an adult and be constantly miserable. I am trying to enjoy the last few years I have left to be a kid, which is very difficult with how little free time I have. I just want to stay in my room and never go back to school

I’m becoming a junior in high school soon and Im recovering from a suicide attempt. So my mom is pretty strict and especially with grades so she kept a close eye on my grades growing up and I already had excellent grades because I wanted to impress her, my world basically revolves around my mom since my dad isn’t present in my life because he had gotten married to another woman when my parents split. I kept my grades steady and I made sure to ace every test and do extra credit so my mom could praise me, she bragged about me to the rest of my family and it felt good. It wasn’t until I started high school she began to pressure me more, I didn’t have a lot of friends because I studied during breaks and lunches for upcoming tests. I had also joined clubs and a sport in my freshman year, it made me tired but I wanted to hear my mom say that I did so amazing and I’m so smart. In my sophomore year is when I felt like I began to have a hard time because I felt so isolated from the other students having fun but all I could think about is my mom. And when one of my grades dropped to a letter down in my classes my mom saw and got really mad at me at home she lectured that B’s will get me nowhere in life, I’m acting lazy like my dad and she didn’t give birth to failures. And I just cried and said I’ll do better next time and my mom just said “One of these days you won’t get to have a next time.” And after that day she took my phone and laptop away to help me focus better but she had also started to talk down at me even when i wasn’t doing anything and complain loudly in the house enough so I can hear and feel guilty. I’m not close with anyone in our family either so I couldn’t tell anyone about this. Teachers praised me but I wasn’t comfortable enough, I didn’t know how to cope so I resulted in harming myself for some dumb mistake I did in a test. I don’t want to get into too much detail about how I attempted but all I could think about is when I woke up in the hospital bed with my mom crying next to me asking why I did that and why i didn’t tell her. I just wanted her to hug me and tell me it’s okay. But I’m in therapy now I still love my mom and I’m grateful for her taking care of me playing both parts as a single parent and I’m okay, a little numb because it felt surreal that I did that.

What do you think about "social media detox"?

It's good?

It's bad?

I'm happy and stable but I think that I need to focus on more important things than spending time on social media

I don't think i'm malicious. Then again maybe i'm wrong. But still. I don't do It on purpose. I'm Just scared and nervous and thinking. I'm horribly selfish definitely and selfcentered probably, and dumb obviously. And maybe she's right about the fact that i can't really care about others. And maybe my attempt at showing love are Just attempts at asking for forgiveness for being bad. But I don't think i'm malicious. I did do It on purpose i was Just tired and i didn't want her to start yelling again like She always does. she did anyway, and It was pointless. Could've there been a better solution? Yeah probably. But I was too scared and nervous to see it. And i'm sorry i didn't. But I was already scared of yelling at me. She thinks i'm malicious ig. That maybe i have an evil plan. But i was already thinking about what to do If she did decide to hurt me or to hurt/ruin one of my things. I'm not malicious and i don't have an evil plan. I Just can't be good. And i mess up all the time. And i can't blame her if she wants me gone.

You know when you love someone, but you really, really despise everything they are and their whole person, and their opinions and the way do and approach things. And your stomach twists in rage and hate and disgust when they're around? And you can't actually be Happy or love them quite right because you know you feel much differently inside? Better yet, you know when parents want their children to Learn how to swim and they just throw them in the water and Hope for the best? Yeah. That's what she does with everything. Not with me, cause i was a down right horrible child that was digusting and full hate. She didn't need to give any more. But she uses that approach with everything even important things. She throws them there. Makes important decisions and promises on a whim and hopes for the best. Except she never actually puts effort into anything. And past a certain point she gets tired and novelty of her new obssession dies out and She Just leaves It to rot. And most of the time It doesn't work. Things break and go to sh*t. And then she burst into rage and quits. Typical. It's funny cause She insists onto saying and presenting herself like the most important blessing that ever came on Earth. Which yeah. In a sense. Sure. She always starts with good intentions. And she has some solid values which i really admire. And she loves. A lot. But It's very hard to get her interest. And if she isn't interessed she ignores everything and concentrates on her newest obssession leaving everything to rot. She insists that I know nothing. And that i'm Just a scaredy cat and i exagerate. But she spent most of my Life yelling and shouting and shamming things and threathing to hurt me or destroy things I care about. And all those Animals she says she saved and loves? They flinch at every sound and movement and Hide and run away whenever they can tell she's mad. And i think that says more about her than it does of a misbehaving puppy. Maybe It's subjetive. But i honestly don't think that's love. Love and family shouldn't be built on fear and intimidation and d*ath threats. That is just picking the lesser evil to continue to survive. Recently she's been talking more about her family and i realize more and more how she Is and Why. And she's right they are worse. And their love for her was conditional. And she still loved them and still holds most of them in High regard. And that's another thing i hate about her. She so full of love. Even though she's clearly bitter about what they have done. But She lets that bottle up and takes out on others that in her regard are "under her". She's so full of love that rotted and turned into rage. And that Is something i will never forgive her for. I love her so much and i admire her a lot and i'm so sorry for cause she didn't deserve anything that happened to her. But love rots and turns into this horrible ugly thing that she passed down to me. And i hate her for It. I hate for everything. I hate her never putting effort into anything. I hate her for never listening. I hate her for always taking decisions for me. I hate her for being so superficial and fickle. I hate her for spontanuos and loving but also so full of rage and scary. And i hate her even more, because all those horrible things are exactly how she describes me. I hate that we're so alike in things in the worst ways possible. And i hate that we're so different that we Clash on everything. And can't have genuine things in common. And i hate her because I know she hates me too for those exact reasons. Though. To be honest i Guess this says as much about her than It does about me, since i'm all of this i'm saying out of hatred for her. And out of the bitter and sharp painfull feeling right next to the admiration I have for her. I am like her and much worse after all, all that hate in the pit of my stomach Is simmering and It's making more and more horrible by the day. She says i'm like them. Like him. But i've never actually known them and known what they're like so i can't be sure. What i am sure of though? I won't take responsibility and guilt for decisions she made and consequences she causes. I've already had horrible spirals and thoughts because of her, i have enough guilt to manage on my own . I've been trying to improve for years now and i think that starts with shutting her yelling out.

Sometimes I feel as though, out of all the difficult partners one could end up with, I somehow ended up with the most challenging one. While I do believe I love him, there are moments when I wonder if we’re truly a good match. I often hear friends in strong relationships say that despite any hardships, loving their partner has always felt natural and easy. For me, it hasn’t felt that way—it often feels complicated, and that leaves me questioning whether we’re truly compatible.

Part of the challenge seems to come from the way he processes things. He tends to take a very long time to think before committing, agreeing, or even engaging with something, which can make even simple issues feel unnecessarily drawn out or difficult. At times, it feels as though he deliberately complicates things—almost like he’s testing me to see how I’ll handle it—which feels exhausting and unfair.

There are also dynamics in how he communicates that I find troubling. For example, he often insists on sharing his opinion, almost as if not doing so would mean his voice has been silenced. Yet, if the roles are reversed—if he has spoken but I haven’t—that imbalance doesn’t seem to bother him. To me, this feels selfish and inconsiderate, though there was once when I asked why does he always need to share his opinion even if he knows it will hurt someone, he frames it as part of his cultural upbringing. Personally, I see it less as a cultural trait and more as a learned behavior, especially from his mother, who carries a similar need to always assert her perspective.

While his mother is undeniably intelligent and accomplished, she also often comes across as dismissive or overly certain of her own views. Unfortunately, I see that same habit reflected in him, and it can make our conversations feel one-sided and draining. At times, I wish he could simply listen and observe without feeling the constant need to interject or assert himself.

The last time I was here, I talked about my struggles in getting employed as an autistic girl with issues that directly go against the expectations of a job.

Well, against all odds, I got one! And it's my dream job! Wow!

...or so I thought.

It's zero-hours, minimum-wage, because that's all I could get and I know better than to hope for more. That's not the issue.

The issue is that while my bosses are super accommodating and have tried to allow me my adjustments, I've come to find there are parts of this - and likely every job - that I just can't tolerate.

I come home exhausted and in agony from walking around every day even if I've been allowed to sit as needed.

Customers find fault with me no matter how pleasant I try to be (and then complain to my bosses instead of just telling me? why are people.).

The staff reactions to my existence vary from passive-aggressive judgement (not paranoia, I have caught them laughing at me) to constant verbal digs that I know won't be solved since the one responsible for that holds a lot of responsibilities in the company and I am far more replaceable.

There's a severe lack of routine and communication in a way that is mostly unavoidable due to the nature of the job, supply issues that cannot be easily fixed meaning I get the backlash when we run out, and everything is too loud and too much pretty much all the time.

I've tried my best, I've been there just over a month now, and I was hoping I'd be able to ease into it as we went but over time the cracks are beginning to show in a big and dreadful way. It's like I got everything I wanted, but it's all come out wrong and now it's hurting me instead.

I have no time for hobbies or even basic self-maintenance - I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't anything. I barely eat now - either no energy after work or so anxious I throw up before it. Showering happens only if I force myself to wake up early to do it. My room looks like a bomb hit it, and the sink is full of dishes that neither I nor my dad have the energy to wash.

I don't feel human, which sucks because I'd just got good at feeling human before all this - now I just work and then I come home and shut down until it's time to work again.

"So quit. Just leave, and find another job" - but if I quit I'm back to jobcentre hell and my emotionally abusive dad will never let me hear the end of how he was right that I'd fail at this job.

It's awful but it really doesn't feel like there's any 'good' outcome for me here. I wanted change and I got it, but now I want to go back to how it was.

It's just down to what I'm willing to tolerate more - this job or more years of jobsearching, which will be made longer by the fact I GOT a job, lasted a month, and then left.

I could stay in a job that I hate, that physically hurts me and saps all my energy for anything at all even on the shortest shift, but at least I get paid (until they decide to let me go, like every other place, probably, but we'll burn that bridge when we come to it.)

Or, I can quit, be tormented by my immediate family about it, and go back to soul-crushing jobsearch hell where there's nothing for me AND I'm paid far less, but I'm not in physical pain and I get to actually feel like a human person some of the time.

Neither option is good for me, but I worry I'm going to be pushed into choosing sooner rather than later, so I'd like your thoughts.

This feels so incredibly strange to actually write out. But one of my closest friends, who I’ve known for over 5 years now, I think, well I know really, that I’ve fell for. We’ve had an ongoing little thing, since about november of last year, in which he was in a previous relationship for a bit. That in itself is another story.

my issue is, that i didn’t think it was doing much bad for me, in terms of i didn’t feel like it was eating me up inside. but i woke up with such a pit in my stomach, and i felt like my heart had been ripped into two yesterday when I didn’t feel as close to him as usual.

i’m not sure what advice im hoping to receive, coming clean and getting all o my feelings of my chest to him would probably be smartest. but he’s complicated, and im scared to do that too.

[ this is taken directly from a desktop file I made recently. it was originally supposed to act as a message, but not anymore. take this into account. ]

hello. i won't say your name, you probably don't want me to speak it anyway. i look over all the shitty things you said to strangers about me every day. it reminds me of how you really think of me rather than how you want me to think. and yet you still wonder why i cut myself off. ironic, isn't it? all those things you said about me not understanding you, even if you did the same thing back to me tenfold. how funny must it be to make a big point about leaving me behind only to talk shit about me when i take a break? when i express my own beliefs and opinions rather than yours? when i do anything that you don't like? even if i didn't even know? and yet, i didn't cut you off for myself. ironically, i did it for you. you're making new friends, glorifying them to me as if i'm nothing. as if you're looking at me and saying 'see these people? let me tell you just how much better friends they are'. stop telling me what you think i want to hear. two-faced.

-b

My parents spoke to me in English from 0-10, even though we are not western at all. I spoke in English, read in English, and though in English. But they realized their mistake too late, and only started speaking to me in Iranian from 11 untill now, fifteen. I previously understood Iranian perfectly well, but wouldn't talk in it. Thankfully I am now able to hold my own in Iranian with family members, yet that doesn't seem to stop anyone from thinking i'm an airhead. I live in an Arab country. Great for when you're already struggling with two languages, why not throw one more on that pile? I understand Arabic, Iranian and English completely, but can only fluently and easily talk in English. I think in English. Then translate. It is so incredibly tiring, and it's impossible to describe the feeling to my parents who grew up speaking all three. They think in a mix of languages. I think in only English. When I open my mouth, I have to force anything that's not English out, and it's so incredibly frustrating because I have no respect for this language. This disgusting, not pleasing to the ear, language of the colonizers who took everything including my tongue. How dearly I wish to speak Arabic and Iranian. These beautiful, rich languages that have so much to do with me, and nothing to do with the west. I want to read Quran fluently, read poems in Iranian, and finally be able to talk to people who don't know English easily. I'm so sick of making a mistake while trying to speak and then eternally getting labelled as a chicken nugget. I am worth more than the language I speak, and it is so disheartening to be pushed aside before I get the chance to express myself. I'll show a family member my report card, and they'll ignore the 100% in all other subjects except for islamics and Arabic, 90%. And the reason why I can't get the full marks is because I lack participation, because I can't answer a question unless in English or broken Arabic. I feel stupid, even though I know my worth, and I don't know what to do. Because every time I try to push myself to talk in broken Iranian or Arabic, I get laughed at. By the people who speak broken English. Can't they see? That I don't have what they have, and they don't have what I have? I am no less than them, I know it but it stings nevertheless. How on earth do I fix this? I'm open to any suggestions (╥_╥)

It's no longer anonymous for me. I started venting here because I could get advice from people who don't know me. But someone who does know me knows my so-called "anonymous" username somehow, and I know his. I'm switching to a different anonymous venting site, where I can use a different username for each vent. I'm not telling where, for my privacy. Peace out people.