Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 32

Why do i feel attached to people who hurt me? So like, i have this friend, whom i considered one of my few close friend, i told him i was bi, he was fine with it, but after a yew years he suddenly just texted me smth like "i hate people who's being special on purpose" "if you weren't bi you would be more special" "instead of posting art why not focus on getting a scholarship", honestly this hurts me a lot, i blocked him but for some reason a part of me wants to unblock him and still text him- like i miss him but i hate him idkkkkk- i also made friends with someone, i liked them a lot even tho they told me how to hrm myslf and took pictures of me even tho i told them dont, which made me uncomfortable, so why did i feel so sad and lonely when they were gone?

You wander through the foggy streets

Wondering if anyone's noticed

Your thoughts circling around and around

You walk and walk

Not sure where your going

Or what your plan is

You just want to run

It starts to rain

You look up

Letting the symphony of falling water wash over you

You scream

The world not hearing you

They've never heard you

They never will

You watch the sun awaken from its slumber

Hearing them screaming out your name

Yelling for you to come home

You stand up

Wipe your muddy hands

Wipe your cascading eyes

And run and run

Hoping you'll run off the planet

One day hopefully

I have a lot to do and not enough time to do it I get paid once a month by UC and I might possibly be pregnant but with my income I have no idea if I can raise a child

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Friends, I feel deeply outraged at my community. How is it possible that the spirit of speaking out is not embraced? How can a society exist where wrongdoing is approved, accepted, and even—supposedly—tolerated? I am furious.

In my own home, speaking out was not allowed. Once, I reported my mother, and my father retaliated while my mother punished me. What kind of mother does that? She does bad things and then doesn’t want to be held accountable—instead, she conditions everything so she won't be called out? So that she’s protected and coddled? What kind of mother is that?

Tell me—what kind of mother encourages wrongdoing? When I saw that kind of behavior at home, it was the moment I realized things were very, very wrong. At first, I stayed quiet because I was confused about what “normal” parenting looked like. I thought violence, especially within the family, was somehow acceptable or even expected. But all I was doing was walking right into a dead-end that usually ended in a beating—just for reacting in ways they didn’t like.

Yes, maybe I responded harshly or impulsively as a kid—and I’m not trying to justify it—but today I understand those reactions were, in fact, justified. My parents were authoritarian. How the hell wasn’t I going to push back when I was trapped in their home during their toxic marriage? It made no sense to demand peace when their very demand was a gateway to more abuse. Their expectations were completely unfair. Completely.

When I finally realized all this, it hit me hard. For over 15 years, I carried the guilt of believing I had been the problem. But the truth is, I was just seeing myself through a lens of indifference—a reality where I wasn’t treated like a person, but like a toy they could manipulate however they wanted. I didn't even notice that I was being dehumanized. That’s why I developed such an emotionally distant way of being, isolating myself from others without understanding why.

In the end, that kind of upbringing—where reporting abuse was forbidden, and empathy was absent—destroyed my social life. People started drifting away from me, to the point where they’d only reach out when they really needed something. That was the only way anyone socialized with me, and I went along with it—just because I craved any interaction at all. I remember pointing this out to a friend once. I honestly feel like crying: an entire life thrown away because of those two core wounds.

I used to ask myself why everything at home was like that, and my parents would just tie me up in excuses, shaped by deeply broken identities. I’m scared to even express this—I’ve been censored before, especially for saying things like this on that other platform. But the truth is, what they called “help” turned into a sad form of isolation. And it makes me think of a doctor I once saw—her behavior seemed odd, almost abrupt in how she reacted. I get the feeling I might have unknowingly hurt her somehow... though maybe that’s just in my head. I don’t know where this conflicting emotion comes from.

All of this got reinforced by the biases I inherited from my family environment. I was completely lost back then—disconnected from reality, and I didn’t even realize it. How could this have happened to me? It tainted my elementary years, high school, and university, leaving me with almost no friends by the end of it all. That hurts. Because it wasn’t my fault—it was my parents’.

No wonder I’m so angry about what I said about my community.

Leering, pointing, laughing

'Oh it's only banter'

'It's just a joke'

'We're only messing around'

'You can take a joke can't you'

I tread carefully around everywhere

Stares from everyone

Whispers and sneers

Fear weighing me down

Following the river of my tears

Every day the same

Glares and frowns

'Freak'

'She's nothing like us'

Every comment leaves a mark

Burnt into my skin

Etched into my brain

Carved into my heart

The cruel words tornadoing around my head

'Tramp'

Brusies from their bullets

Cuts from their words

Shattered like glass

Am I made of glass?

i ask myself this all the time, like literally every single day—why do i feel like i’m not good enough? no matter what i do, what i try, it never feels like it’s enough. like i’m enough. i look around at other people and it’s like they all got it figured out. they’re confident, they’re smart, they’re good looking, they know what they wanna do with their life and people like them. and then there’s me. stuck in this loop of overthinking everything, second guessing every word i say, every move i make. i try hard, like really hard. i stay up late studyin, i help people when they ask, i try to be kind, but still i feel like i’m just... less. like no matter how hard i try to be something, someone, i just keep falling short. nd yeah, ppl tell me to stop comparing, to just “be myself” but what if bein myself is the problem? what if no one actually likes the real me? sometimes it feels like people just tolerate me, like they wouldn’t even notice if i stopped showing up. i laugh with them, i hang out, but inside i feel so small, so invisible. like i’m on the outside lookin in all the time.

it messes with your head, u know? like u start wondering if ur even worth loving or caring about. i’ve had people leave without explainin, had friends slowly drift away like i wasn’t enough to keep around. nd i know it’s not all my fault, but when it happens over and over, u start thinkin maybe it is. maybe i talk too much, maybe i’m boring, maybe i’m annoying or just hard to be around. nd it makes me scared to open up, to trust people, cuz i keep thinkin they’ll see the real me and decide it’s not worth stayin. i wish i could feel proud of myself, like genuinely believe i’m doing okay. but even when something good happens, i just feel like i don’t deserve it. like it was luck, or a mistake, or someone else would’ve done it better. nd yeah, i smile in front of people, i act chill, but deep down it’s like there’s this constant voice tellin me i’m not enough. not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not important. nd i wish i knew how to shut it off. i wish i could wake up one day and actually feel like i belong in this world, like i’m not just taking up space. but right now? i don’t. and it sucks. it really, really sucks.

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

I feel so much anger. Am I really doomed to stay in the groups I’m in? I mean, if I end up in a group I’m already part of—say, a family group—am I condemned to be stuck with them forever? Is there really nothing I can do to break away? Do I just have to get used to it out of inertia? This worries me deeply.

I admit it’s hard for me to write because I come from a social network that censored truly beautiful texts I wrote to let off steam—something I found incredibly unfair. It made me feel completely lost when it comes to using that platform. My intention was to express myself and structure my thoughts—focusing on that structure—without really considering others’ views. The point wasn’t to stay trapped within those external conceptions, but to develop something from what I was expressing. I just wanted to say this in case anyone wanted to offer their perspective.

Anyway, ever since that experience on that social network, I’ve felt trapped. Venting is what helped me break away from my family, to carve out a safer space both within and outside that context. That’s why I say I express and transcend. Venting gives me a holistic view of things without having to exclude any terrain. But I realized something: I think I’m normalizing things about my family. I feel like I’m using my venting to smooth over rough patches caused by behaviors that made me angry. It’s like I’m helping to re-establish those relationships in a “normal” space—a space I try to maintain without digging too deep. I feel like that has consequences, but I don’t quite see what they are yet.

It’s hard to structure my ideas in this environment—it’s different from what I’m used to, just like that other platform was. The fear of censorship is still there. Those posts were removed for no reason, or at least I never got an explanation. I followed the same rules as other posts I saw there. I’m furious about it. In fact, it makes me feel like the outside world somehow wants to push me back into my family setting. And whether it’s about family or not, people always say you have to break away on your own terms, not because someone tells you to. Otherwise, it could turn into a tragedy—it’s such a heavy burden. There’s this girl—I'll admit—who told me she feels trapped in a group and doesn’t know how to get out. In her case, the group is actively trying to make her leave her family, creating a barrier due to past circumstances that now prevents her from reconnecting. That happened a long time ago, and I’ve kept it inside ever since. I just wanted to express it.

I don’t want to meddle in that girl’s life. I feel like I’ve already left my family space behind—I did so a long time ago. And my experience with her only helped confirm it, especially after going through some very intense interactions with my closest relatives. The closeness we had only pushed me to create more distance, and that made our superficial routines of togetherness even more unbearable. So when the time comes for me to leave, it won’t be entirely bitter—there will be something sweet in it too. This is especially relevant if I ever get sick and we have to interact again. I know that kind of interaction will be unpleasant for me, because it creates tension and unwanted closeness with my relatives—those who used to take care of me. So in a way, if I do fall ill, it would trigger a change in their routine. And I think they would, maybe subconsciously, begin to appreciate the idea of me moving on to a place where they can’t or don’t have to interfere. That would open the door to my independence at last.

I feel sorry for this girl. Still, I think I’m ready to defend the principles of helping her—offering her a fishing rod rather than a fish, so she can catch her own. At the time I met her, I think she was open to it because her need was great, though I believe that need was buried deep due to how embedded she was in her group. I had stopped reacting impulsively and disrespectfully, breaking her routines without warning—these were the patterns she used to destabilize people, myself included. Her group absorbed her completely, and she shaped her environment around that. In short, maybe I can support her.

I just needed to say all of this. I don’t feel particularly skilled at writing. I posted eight times. Maybe the way I wrote had something to do with it—perhaps I wasn’t careful enough in how I structured things. But I can’t focus on that right now. I need to express myself freely if I want to sort out my thoughts. I need to release all this mental weight and reshape it through structured writing, so I can, as I said, transcend it—and that helps me find order in my mind. What hurts is that this was already my second attempt to engage with that platform. And once again, it highlighted how hard it is to express oneself freely—which, ironically, reminds me of how much I need to express myself freely. Otherwise, I’m just crawling through a dark tunnel, getting buried alive or hitting a wall I can’t break through.

I also like when a space doesn’t allow too much outside interference—it helps me feel like there are steady receivers out there, even if the way I express myself is different. I know that’s not realistic in the real world, where we talk face-to-face, not through digital platforms. But this goes back to what I said earlier—it’s so hard to break away from the past. If something from the outside knocks me down, I risk being dragged back into my family’s orbit. And I don’t want that. I have to be very careful about where and how I express myself—so I can see where the boundaries are and navigate through whatever life throws at me.

Apologies if this came out a bit disorganized. After all, this is a vent—a need to breathe, to unload what’s suffocating me and leave it somewhere, so I can move on to other thoughts. That’s how forgetting works, as good ol’ Freud would say.

I had only heard of the “Mommy Wars” but never saw anything nearby. Figured it was dying down. Nope. They are still a thing and always will be despite the whole “women need to support other women” war cry. Be gracious to ALL moms! Working/SAHM, young/older, homeschool/traditional, homestead organic/fast food…Every single one is just trying to survive.

a poem a wrote to my stepmum who abused me

Dear abuser,

How are you able to sleep at night?

After what you've done

All the anger and pain you've caused

The things you put me through

Dear abuser,

Are you happy now?

Breaking and bending teenagers spirt

Leaving wounds deeper than skin

Dear abuser,

How can you live with yourself?

Forcing teenagers to run away as their only other choice was death

Mentally and physically injuring them in the process

Dear abuser,

Does it feel good to get your way?

Is it everything you wanted?

Was it worth all the pain and suffering you caused?

Dear abuser,

I hope your happy now

I hope it was all worth it

The pain you put me through hasn't broken me

Dear abuser,

I know you will never get what you deserve

But this is my way of getting justice

I hope you read this one day

And realise its about you

Dear abuser,

I hate you.

Yours truly,

A survivor

I was receuited on my school bus my lowerclass people saying they needed eyes in my class especially on one student and i was like sure fine... Fiture me is kind of regretting it. But this society is completly founded and powered by people in a lower class than me. But they aint joking, had me sign a whole official document(i read it) and now i hate to follow the commanding people and the mysterious authority person. Its a simple group tho, we just gather information on people for fun, which is tasked by the commanding people(founders) and sometime get revenge if deemed worthy and funny thing, managed to get one of the founders to admit he used chat gpt for punctuation and complex words😔✋

All my life, been waging war in my mind, been waiting for something right, been waiting for sun to shine. Apathy, the friend of my enemy. Another blind visionary. I never cry, but I bleed. Tell me, what does it feel like to feel anything again? I know that it takes time, but this never ends, and I'm starting to realize: The glass half empty's been just a way to be baptized in the taste of your own medicine. Don't tell mom. Tell her it's just a song. Tell her I'm holding on. I'm sorry I missed her call. What this wasn't what I wanted? Can I return the life I've started? Just 14 years, and I'm exhausted. Guess we're calling this normal. Tell me, what does it feel like to feel anything again? I know that it takes time, but this never ends, and I'm starting to realize: The glass half empty's been just a way to be baptized in the taste of your own medicine. And I call it a cry for help. You call it song lyrics. But as long as I force a smile, I guess we'll just ignore it. I just hope that someday, someone will love me.

Back in 2018 I was dating this guy he was 2 years above me in high school I was 12 and he was 14 and things were going really well between us I really loved him (so I thought)looking back on it now it wasn’t love, so after a couple of weeks he introduced me to sexting and I just thought it was a game, but then it turned into weekly games and then touching was creeping its way into it, he kept touching me and I told him to stop it but he carried it on anyway on multiple occasions, at this point it had been going on for over 2 months but then it took a toll and he then started blackmailing me saying if I told anyone what he did he would leak my nudes to my family and friends and completely embarrass me , it was Christmas time 2018 and i caught him cheating on me and he ended things because he didn’t like me no more, at this point i was sobbing my heart out and then in January 2019 i finally broke down in tears in front of my mum and i told her what happened, we went to the police station and told them what happened and they said unfortunately we can’t do nothing more because he is autistic and you haven’t got enough evidence, from that day on I could still feel his hands on me in the shower, in bed, out in public I hated it, I went to this place called RASA they help you with ptsd from r@pe and trauma abuse, yes I got the help I needed but it still haunts me every single day and I still get nightmares and flashbacks because even tho it was a long time ago it never goes away, but one thing I really wish I had done is, I found the clothes I was wearing each time it happened and I wish I had took them to the police station and then maybe I would have gotten my justice

2024, it was at the time when school was ending. I put on my school uniform: Socks, t-shirt, skirt and a bright red cardigan before brushing my hair in the mirror. I hated how I looked, it was hideous, but at least the school year was about to end! I walk into my classroom there wasn't much to do since all of our lessons are basically over I would go over to my two friends, I wasn't so fond of the other. Actually I hated her, she bullied me for 4 years and expects me to be her friend? The other is the one I absolutely adore they're just so perfect! I sit down with them but I can feel the one I hate (nickname: CM) hand go down to touch my thigh, it was a light touch but I thought nothing of it. But soon the thigh touching would get more and more aggressive, frequent and more up my thigh. I thought I was free from that uncomfortableness when the school holidays hit but once we got back into school things escalated more and at break CM said to me "Let me touch your b00bs 5 times and I'll give you my blade" CM knew about my self harm and used it to bribe me, I said no at first but soon enough she persuaded me to do it and then. It became a daily thing, she would touch my breasts and even pinch my nipple's, at first I said "No! Stop" to her but she wouldn't listen and it got to the point where I had to forcefully try to get her off me. Then it turned into putting her hands in my v@gina and I told her to stop, I almost felt my insides getting ripped apart, I almost cried. CM would do this on daily basis but then soon I lost hope, I started to not retailate or saying "no" I sat there and let it happen. I just dissociated...

Fast forward now CM isn't allowed to interact with me but yet I can still feel her hands on me, I have constant nightmares about it and I can't look at my school uniform without crying.

I want to report it to the police but my friend says not to because we are underage and they won't take us seriously, also if we wait until we're over 18 then we can get her a proper sentence. My only problem is that I'm not going to be making it to 18, definitely not. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel hopeless. What should I do?

Well I wouldn't say anything ACTUAL stalker but I have this classmate and I'll say another story(s??) about them... Anyways I had talked to a therapist about this classmate we'll call them "CM" (for classmate) and CM was just a genuinely horrible person to me AND my best friend (SUB bc if an inside joke) , I'll go into more depth about that in another story back to it the therapist emailed my school to tell them about what was happening. After a week (it was school holidays then) I went back to school and in th afternoon then schools SafeGuarding Officer (nickname: SG) and SG pulled me into his office to have a chat to me, I told him some stuff and back to class I go and then CM gets called after me and now me and SUB are talking worried for our LIVES then SG pulls over to get SUB and I'm left alone with CM and she starts saying "I feel so bad for me and [SUB]" bc she thinks I'm mad at both of them not us mad at her.

After that we stopped talking but then she started talking to me again and I felt hopeless to stop it, this has happened to MANY times before... Weeks go by and I hear nothing about it.

A month goes by and we're talking again untill SG does the same thing as last time, THEN he gets all the three of us. We start discussing things and then SG said that CM can't talk to me nor SUB in and out of school, we was having THE TIME OF OUR LIVES untill SUB got a comment on their yt saying "hi my name is Ava... if you even care" so then SUB started talking to them and "Ava" started venting to them and soon enough reaveled that they were apart of a discord server and is a moderator, the person who created it was .... CM!! SUB felt really unsafe due to this and deleted EVERY video they made, and changed everything. A few days ago on my ticktok account I saw that there was a comment which had a VERY fake looking username and a pfp that fitted CM's humour, I knew immediately it was CM's alternative account but the comment said "hello I think there is somebody talking about you [insert username]" so I searched up the username and it was EXACTLY like SUB's yt account, impersonating them!! But a vid made a few hours ago wasn't copied and instead was gossiping about me by calling me fat even though both of them know I have Bulimia. I knew it was CM trying to frame

I feel really just numb today. I keep forcing a smile onto my face because it's my birthday, but whenever I'm alone I zone out completely and allow myself to feel nothing. This morning was really difficult. I almost missed the bus because I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. But hey, I didn't miss the bus. Now I'm here at school, being ignored by people I now see to be my ex-friends. So why did I get out of bed this morning? I have no idea. I'm in band class as I type this, supposed to be practicing for Solo and Ensemble but listening to Paralysed by NF on loop while playing BitLife and ignoring the fact that my two ex-friends are sitting so close and not even glancing in my direction. Nobody at school knows today's my birthday except for Angel, my bestie. So woo-hoo, happy birthday to me I guess. Angel made a little birthday song for me: "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, let the gayness run through you, happy birthday to you" and yeah, when she sang it, I forced a laugh and a smile, but I didn't really feel much. I just thought, "Perhaps that was meant to be funny. Guess I'll laugh now." so yeah. Guess depression got the best of me or something. I dunno.