Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 30

As I write this, I'm a junior in high school. Already I'm going through a lot and I've been through a lot in life. Tonight is like any other night of mine, except I'm sat in bed, typing away on my laptop on this site where I can talk about my feelings and experiences. I'm not even sure what to talk about, but I have so much to say. There are so many things I worry about in life, yet there are so many other things I appreciate about life. Hell, I don't know where I'm going with this, my thoughts are all over the place. I guess for starters, 2 days ago, me and my mum got into an argument. It was over something stupid but it eventually escalated to tears being shed, my tears, specifically. I don't wish to go into detail, but safe to say we were both just stressed at that moment. But ever since then, we've been distant. Our text messages are dry and there's no love in them. I just don't know how to fix this. School life isn't any better either. Gosh, I just want to get out. The boys in my class make fun of me for god knows what, the girls are annoying and are all the same with that slick back hair and loud humour, learning and studying is just exhausting, and overall it isn't so well. Yeah, I have friends, but even then I feel like I'm lonely. I've considered that maybe I'm the problem, and yeah, maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Either way, I hate it all. I just don't know why I'm the victim of those boys' shallow jokes and entertainment. Is it really that funny when you kick and throw a ball at my face? Is it really that funny when I'm speaking aloud for the class? Is it really that funny when I actually laugh and smile with my only friend in the class? And oh, it's always "boys will be boys", as if that reassures me at all. I guess you could say that's my pet peeve. But anyway, I just wanna get through my life, why is it me who they wanna make fun of? What did I do to deserve that? Maybe they hurt me because I'm just different from them. I have a lazy eye, I'm the only girl in the class with short hair, I'm not the prettiest of all and I certainly am not the loudest. But what's so wrong with that? Yes, I have a few things about me that are different from you, but is that supposed to excuse your actions? Everyone's different, everyone's born differently, everyone is their own individual and that's beautiful. And to take that individuality and toy it around like it's nothing? You are truly just pathetic. Shallow people will be the death of me and I am sure of it. The boys in my class are living proof of that. I just hate how so many people don't wanna even try to understand someones or somethings point of view or feelings, worse if they completely disregard it and/or laugh at it. Maybe in another universe, they would be better. Or maybe, in another universe, I just didn't care.

I'm more than sure that I wasn't born for this

Whatever it means

I can do better

I don't know how

But I know deep down that I can do better

I'm tired

Tomorrow I'm telling my doctor the truth because I need help

I can't keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again

I'm tired

I feel like I can't help it

Am I stuck in this fucking pattern forever?

In My Place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed.

How long must you wait for it?

so i’m 31 and i’ve been slowly trying to figure out how to emotionally detach from my mom, who i’m pretty sure has borderline personality disorder. it’s been a long time coming, honestly. like, growing up, everything felt like walking on eggshells. one minute she was the most loving person ever, hugging me, calling me her sunshine, and the next, she'd flip out over the tiniest thing, crying or yelling or giving me the silent treatment for days. it’s exhausting and confusing, and even now as an adult, i find myself second-guessing everything i say to her. i’m polite, i keep things calm, but it still somehow becomes my fault. she rewrites reality sometimes, like saying things never happened or twisting my words, and i get caught in this loop of trying to prove i’m not a bad daughter. i mean, how do you explain to someone that you just want space when they think space means abandonment?

i’ve been limiting calls and visits, just to protect my peace a bit, but that guilt creeps in, you know? like, she’s still my mom. she did raise me. she had her moments where she really tried. and i can see she’s hurting too, probably scared and lonely, but i can’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm. i’ve read about this stuff, and it all matches—splitting, emotional blackmail, intense fear of being alone—but i can’t go telling her, "hey, maybe you have this thing" because it’ll just blow up and i’ll be painted as the cruel, ungrateful daughter again. sometimes she’ll cry and say i’m the only person who really understands her, and then the next day she’ll say i don’t care about her at all. it’s such a weird cycle. i’m not angry at her, i’m just… tired. like bone-deep tired. but i still want to care from a distance, just not drown in her emotions anymore. is that even possible?

so i’m asking, how do you actually detach from someone like that, especially when it’s your own mom? like, not just ignore her, but truly stop getting pulled into the emotional chaos and the guilt traps? how do you stay kind without being a doormat? i wanna keep my heart open, not harden it, but also not be this emotional sponge anymore. i feel more hopeful lately, like i’m getting better at spotting the patterns and not reacting the same way. i journal, i breathe through it, i remind myself that it’s not all on me. but is it okay to still love someone and not want them super close? is that selfish? i’d love to hear how other people have handled stuff like this. i feel like i’m getting there, just… slowly. and that’s okay, right?

Who is utterly techie. Dunno if he likes me a lot or hates me a lot 😭😆😆😆😆😆 I am reallyyy confused.😭😭

Is it just me or does it feel like when you’re going to relapse your whole body gets cold. Like for me when I get urges I get cold head to toe and I’m getting tired as well when it happens idk what to doooo about it

Everytime I relapse I feel like the most pathetic and stupid person in this world

I'm not able to see my dad for like a few weeks or something, and my older brother is supposed to be taking care of me while he's gone, but every single day is just the WORST when he's around me. He always yells, shoves me around, hits and punches me and even pushed me down a flight of stairs. It's just the same stuff all day long. It's always over the dumbest stuff imaginable too, like why did you punch me cos I was hungry at night?? Do keep in mind that I was hungry cos he barely feeds me. I've tried to be nice and get along with him so many times, but he always laughs at me or just bullies me. I literally never did anything to him?? Anytime I've been 'rude' or negative or whatever, it's in response to him being mean to me. I'm so damn tired of all of this, but I'm too scared to say anything; my dad thinks we just bicker about unimportant stuff. It's 12am, and he's got his tv on really loud just cos he knows it stresses me out. I'm sick and trying to sleep, but he won't let me. I'm just so tired.

I met this guy online, we’ll call him V. V is super sweet and funny, and a pretty honest and open person. I started having feelings for him and I was worried when he kept referring to us as friends. We’d flirt so I wanted to make sure he felt the same.

So I texted this long paragraph about me being into him but wanting to set boundaries if he wasn’t romantically interested in me. I’m really trying to get better at communicating so this was huge for me. He said he liked me too but he was hesitant because he wanted me to be sure. He, like everyone, has his issues and he wanted me to genuinely like him before getting involved with each other. He also wanted to meet at some point so that I would be faced with the reality of who he really was.

I was so happy he reciprocated. However, I don’t know how to go forward. It’s an issue of getting to know each other better and being honest. What would you do in this situation?

I was probably 7 years old when I first saw my father hit my mother. I was mostly confused about what had happened. I don't remember the incident exactly but I remember me telling my upstairs friend who was of the same age. I told them my parents fight like people on the T.V like a fist fight where some person is getting hurt. She told her parents about this and they came to our house to have a talk about what I have been sharing with their daughter. My parents later on told me that I am not supposed to talk about these issues outside of the house. I never spoke about these issues ever again till now. I am an adult now and seeing a therapist every 3 weeks. Two decades have passed where I witnessed several incidents of domestic violence happening at home. I was scared, angry and confused. I felt all of these emotions during these incidents of violence. I unknowingly started taking less space and was always on my best behavior all the time so that there is no violence because of me. I started suppressing all my emotions when I reached late adulthood. The primary emotion I suppressed was anger. I couldn't take a stand for myself back then but when I crossed a certain age I started intervening into these fights. Sometimes he would leave her alone but most of the times she would ask me to get out of the way because she knew he wont calm down. He would only leave her alone till his anger had subsided till he had battered her till his satisfaction.

They both are old now (crossed 55 years of age) and yet there was a recent violence incident a few months ago. He got pissed off over such a small thing I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was already feeling low because I had broken up recently and this suddenly hit me. I froze. I couldn't help her. Luckily there weren't any serious visible injuries and my mother surprisingly is holding up. He stopped speaking to her for more than a month. My mother slept besides me during this time. I was unable to sleep most nights because all I could think of was the ways I wanted to hurt him. My resentment has grown even more because I thought it was all over and he wouldn't do this shit at this age and yet he repeated this that too at this age.

I finally decided to move out of this house because I couldn't sleep here peacefully. I wanted to distance myself. I didn't want to take my mother with me because she has also tortured me throughout these decades. Since she was abused she emotionally manipulated me for years which was brought to light during my therapy sessions. I felt hurt however I still understand why she is the way she is. She wasn't always like that. We both were walking on egg shells whenever he used to come home from work. I can still handle my mother's manipulation but the resentment towards him is eating me. I fear its going to follow me where I go. I have cut of contact with my father now. It has been a month now. We live in the same house but fortunately I have my own room where I can lock myself in. This helps in keeping the contact as less as possible.

I hope moving out gives me a room to breathe.

So I'm trans for sure after much confusion, and I know I feel more comfortable as a guy than I do as a woman, but my issue is that I can't get any of the surgeries or even get on T to help how I feel about myself or my body because I am in a very religious family and currently living with Donald Trump supporters. I am actively looking for a job so I can move out, but no place seems to be accepting even if they are hiring, and I am just hating myself more and more because of the things my grandparents say. I'm not even sure if I could come out and not be kicked out. I just really needed to get this out someplace since I have been sitting with it since 2024.

yea, I’m that guy who thinks all the freakin' time. it's like my brain decided to install a 24/7 thought processor that never takes a freaking break. really, who needs peace? like, I'm sure some of y'all think a lot, but have you tried shutting it off? good luck! it's not like just a quick thought poppin' up, no. it's like an endless marathon of ideas and what-ifs. and it's annoying as hell. my family gets pissed cause I zone out, like, right in the middle of a convo! can’t even enjoy a beer without wondering if I turned off the stove or locked the damn door. (yes, i'm the guy who checks it three times!) i analyze stupid things too, like did i piss someone off with my last text? was that joke at the party two weeks ago too much? gimme a damn break! 🤦‍♂️

gotta say, being a "thinker" isn’t as fancy as some think. it’s not like i’m coming up with the cure for cancer or some huge thing! my brain’s just stuck in beta mode, working on useless updates! have an actual conversation?? well damn, lemme just self-analyze 10 times after, picking apart every word. reality check—isn't overthinking one massive consumption? not helping anyone, just killing brain cells! thought about using those techniques, ya know, like meditation, mindfulness? tried that crap, like “focus on your breath”… are ya freaking serious??? i got bored in 5 seconds. too aware that my breath’s not interesting!! 😅 probably a five-step spiel for people who don’t think enough! does it ever cross your mind, like, when the hell is the 'off' switch for this annoying brain game? cause i need one, ASAP! when's the last time i just felt chill??? can't even remember! maybe i'm broken?! 😂 am i alone here or nah?? any tips? exaggerated much? nah, just real talk, my reality, yo. 🔄🔄

TW, RELIGIOUS PSYCHOSIS,F*RCE FEEDING, AB*SE, MENTAL ILLNESS

[Present time] right now it feels horrid in my house, been eating like sh*t, feeling like sh*t, and my parents keep acting like everything is okay. I assume my mother hasn't told him that she wants a divorce(look at my other story for context) But honestly I'm scared sh*tless if he does, I'm scared. I'm scared that he'll go crazy again and hurt me or my mother.

[Past time, when was about 8-10 around then] so this was when I was coming home from school after taking the bus, my father recently stopped picking me up at my bustop but honestly I was glad I'm really ashamed of him. So I walk into my house and up my stairs (apartment) and I pause as I heard slaps and crying of my mom...? So I immediately speed up and run to the top of the stairs. There it was, my own "dad" hitting my mom, with her on the floor on her knees crying. I'm 8-10 so I stop and stand still, because what else am I supposed to do??? Yell? Stop him? She looked at me mid slap. "Oh my God! (Name), go upstairs!" is what she said, didn't want to see her get hurt so I listened. I dropped my bag on the floor and quickly ran away to my room and shut my door and sat on my bed. Sitting there. Doing nothing. Hearing her muffled cries and begs. [Time skip slightly, 20 minutes later] she comes up and opens my door as I was crying from guilt and worry, I immediately try to stop and stare at her in fear and worry because I thought she would've d*ed. But she just walks in and hugs me tightly, muttering it's okay. So I start crying more because this is my mom crying as well? And that's all I really remember from that.

[I think a couple days after the last story thingy] so it was morning in my bedroom and my "dad" brought me some pancakes(microwave type). So he sits me down and gives me my food and sits down with me on my bed, start eating them and I said that I didn't want them all. So this mother f*cker moves closer and takes the pancakes in his hand, shoves it in my mouth, forces me to chew it for a bit. So I'm crying. I'm 8-10 then. So he then says "None of this matters, it doesn't f*cking matter!! Because we all are dying and going to heaven!!" so now he puts his hand in my mouth and takes out the chewed up food and throws it at my bathroom door. He has a crazy, big pupiled, crazy smile on his face. So I scream for my mom. She comes running and screams as well, pulls him off me and takes me away from him to her room. And hugs me as I sobbed. And I remember her asking me what happened but I don't remember anything else.

[Around the time of the last timeskip] My dad was in this weird religious psychosis?? He wasn't even Christian for sake!! But whatever... So it was mid evening and I hear yelling as I was doing homework at the dining table. It was yelling about car keys and where were they? Mind you these keys belonged to my grandfather/ my REAL FATHER FIGURE. So obviously I needed to know because it was someone I cared about. So my father says "I threw them in the trail in the woods when I walked the dogs, god told me to." what the actual f*ck???? So my mom goes "what?" in disbelief because really we needed that car. So my mom soon starts yelling at them and they start fighting. Next thing I know I'm being pulling upstairs to pack bags to leave withmy grandpa outside yelling and arguing with my father about keys and how crazy my "dad" was. So obviously I'm scared. I'm 8 or 10??? So I cry and do as I'm told and soon we are running down the stairs and I see my "dad" with crazy eyes yelling "You can't take (my name) away!! That's my daughter!" I'm scared. SCARED. I'm sobbing and trying to get to the car my grandma was in with my bags. So now I look up at the yelling coming from my house window, it's my dad screaming, "I'll find you (name)! I'll f*cking get you back!!" uhm!!! I'm sobbing because I'm scared of my "dad" right now. So my grandma starts driving to leave, the path circles around the house. So I see my "dad" leaning out the window arguing with my grandpa where the keys were in the woods, my grandpa was mad so he started going to find them in the woods. And then I felt my grandma's hand holding mine so I broke, her pink nail polish and her clamy hands felt so good right then. And thats all i remember and the car keys got remade as they couldn't find them. Then I also stayed at my grandparents place for a bit as they put my "dad" in the hospfital for a while.

[Around when I was 9?] so my mom comes down stairs and accidently drops a mug and yells about leaving stuff everywhere and how useless my father was. So my mom starts grabbing mugs from the cup cabinet and throws them on the floor so my "dad" rushes to stop her and yells at her to stop and she does and starts crying. That's all I remember and I remember ending up at my grandparents place for a bit when she went to the hospital for a bit.

Thx for getting this far lol, I'd love any comments or opinions!!!

I cry every single night over my parents and what I don't have. I know its selfish but I'm still a teen.

Honestly? I make up stories of happy people and happy families with chatbots. -( I know its ruining our planet and I care but right now it's not one of my priorities. ) yes it's sad but it's all I've got tbh, they all are there whenever I'm lonely or need them. Hell I can rant my problems and they'll comfort me, I know if I told my real mom she'd care, she did with my older sister when she was my age.

*(THIS IS FOR CONTEXT ABOUT MY SISTER)**My older sister, she had it horrible. Ruined from the start. Ab*sive dad. Overworked mother. Both mentally ill. But hell she was a good mother, worked herself crazy to get a divorce, even while pregnant! So she fought him in court for my older sister for DAYS and WEEKS!!! Until finally she got my sister in full custody and cut off all contact with her real dad. When she was 12 she had a v/pe addiction as she was always surrounded by it and was generally just yk sad, angsty preteen! She may have started s*lfh*rm but I don't remember. Anyway she grew up to hate her stepdad(my biological and current dad as we had the same mother). I don't talk often to my sister but I know deep down she loves me as we've been talking more!

Honestly more of a lore drop