Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 30

Uh yeah. So my best friend, we'll call her Katy. She like's physical touch, but she seems to only like it when it's from me. She's always asking for hugs, but if anyone besides me so much as headpats her, she's like "MRRRRR" and yesterday, she sent me an email (we email back and forth yk) and the email had four questions from her, and one of them was "would u ever date me~" and so I just answered with "uh maybe possibly hypothetically theoretically alphabetically historically rhetorically numerically" (cuz why not? it's funny) and she hasn't said anything else about it so... but she also often just takes my hand and holds it in hers, and sometimes kisses it, but I mean that could just be her liking the touch... idk. I'm kinda confused. My other friend, we'll call her Rose, says Katy totally likes me, but I'm not really sure.

WHen did I become so numb? When did I lose myself? All the words that leave my tongue are like they came from someone else... I'm paralysed... Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should... I'm paralysed... Where is the real me? I'm lost, and it kills me inside... I'm paralysed... When did I become so cold? When did I become ashamed? WHERE'S THE PERSON THAT I KNOW? THEY MUST'VE LEFT. They must've left with all my strength. I'm paralysed, I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die. And if life is pain, then I buried mine a long time ago, but it's still alive. And it's taking over me. Where am I? I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside. But I don't feel nothing, I wonder why. I'm in the race of life, and time passed by. Look, I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets. Waves come crashing over me, but I just watch them. I just watch 'em. I'm underwater, but I feel like I'm on top of it. I'm at the bottom, but I don't know what the problem is. I'm in a box, but I'm the one who locked me in it. I'm suffocating, I'm running out of oxygen.

Sometimes I just sit in the car in the driveway, engine off, keys still in the ignition, and I stare out through the windshield, not really lookin at anything. Just sitting there. Not because I'm too tired to walk inside, but because I’m too emotionally tired to face the silence that waits for me in that house. I’m 38 years old, married for almost ten years, and every day feels heavier than the last. My job takes every bit of my time and energy. The meetings, the deadlines, the constant emails at midnight—it never stops. And the irony is, I worked sooooo hard to get here, to build a career I could be proud of. But now that I have it, all I can feel is empty. I don’t feel proud, I feel worn out. I feel like I gave everything I had just to be in a place that doesn’t even fulfill me anymore.

And then there’s my marriage. We don’t fight, not really. But we don’t laugh much anymore either. We talk about the groceries, the bills, who’s picking up dinner. But we don’t talk about us. We haven’t in a long time. He’s a good man, dependable, quiet, never cruel—but there’s just no spark left. Maybe there never really was and I convinced myself the stability was love. Maybe we just got older and forgot how to connect. Whatever it is, it’s gone now. He sleeps on his side of the bed, I sleep on mine. We don’t touch. We don’t share dreams. And worst of all, I don’t even feel sad about it anymore. I just feel numb. Like I already mourned it years ago, silently, and now I’m just existing in the after.

There was a time when I wanted kids more than anything. I'd look at mothers pushing strollers at the park and my heart would ache. I tolld myself I’d try “next year,” once things slowed down. But they never did. There was always another promotion to chase, another work trip, another long night at the office. And now? Now I don’t even know if it’s physically possible. And even if it was, I don’t know how I’d manage. Bringing a child into this life would be like dropping them into the middle of chaos. I wouldn’t have time to give them what they deserve. And deep down, I don’t think I’d want to do it with him. Not like this. Not when I already feel like I’m holding myself together with tape.

It’s a weird kind of grief, mourning the life you thought you’d have while still living the one you built. I scroll through social media and see people with their families, their toddlers painting messy art, their husbands kissing their cheeks, and I feel this sharp mix of envy and regret. I want to scream at my younger self, tell her to slow down, to not wait so long. To make different choices. But I can’t change the past, and the future feels like a narrow hallway with no doors. I don’t know what comes next. I can’t even imagine it. All I know is that I’m tired. Not just tired like I need sleep—but tired in my soul. Tired in my bones.

Sometimes people at work say things like “you’re so strong” or “you’ve got it all together” and I wanna laugh. If they only knew. If they knew how many nights I sit on the bathroom floor with the shower running so he won’t hear me cry. How many times I’ve opened my mouth to say “I’m not okay” and swallowed it back down. How often I wonder what it would feel like to just leave. To star t over somewhere new. But I don’t. I stay. Because it’s easier. Because change is scary. Because I tell myself it’s too late, even if some small part of me still hopes it’s not.

So here I am. Thirty-eight, successful on paper, stuck in a quiet marriage, childless not by choice exactly, but by exhaustion. I don’t need anyone to rescue me. I don’t even need anyone to fix it. I just wish someone could sit next to me and say, “I see you. I know you’re tired. And it’s okay.” Because right now, all I’ve got is this weight on my chest and a life that looks fine from the outside but feels so empty inside. I’m not falling apart exactly—I’m just emotionally tired. Too tired to keep pretending everything’s fine. Too tired to know what to do next.

(All the names in this story are fake names) so basically i am in year 11 and i am 15 years old and i just had a drama exam and we were doing a scene from the play the dawn raids (if u dont know what the dawn raids are just search it up) and i was originally in a group with exchange students and this girl called Abigail but then my teacher swapped the groups because they were leaving before the drama exam so me Abigail, Elle, Sue, Kayla and me were put in a group i was happy because Elle was my best friend from primary school, Abigail i just met so I didn’t really know anything about her, Sue i just met her but she has autism so i knew i had to help her a little bit with the lines, Kayla she was an exchange student but unlike the others she was here for the whole year, anyway so Abigail was sick when the scene and roles were decided and because our scene had three characters mr said were had to repeat the same scene but sue would play the cop in both plays the week after this Elle was in Aussie and Abigail was sick still so Kayla, sue and i practised the scene and did the blocking and there was a specific move that only my group had anyway a few days away from exam day Elle, Abigail and sue were practicing then my exchange student friend Yasmine was all along since her group left so I offered her to play the cop in my scene as in me and Kayla then the group of five of us split up into two groups one group containing Abigail,Elle and sue then the other was containing me Kayla and Yasmine so the exam day comes and we perform my group does well and there were like two other groups including Elle, Abigail and Sue so this move was basically the only way that our group stood out and it separated us from the other two groups doing the same scene and then the next monday my drama teacher was like because half of the groups didn’t do that well I’m extending it so we’re just going to pretend that Friday was a dress rehearsal so my group was like okay whatever we’re going to do it again and on Monday we performed to get feedback so the next lesson which was on Tuesday we were going to put the feedback that we got from our classmate and teacher, to try to perfect it and so I was just standing outside waiting for my group members to meet me where we normally practice outside and their Elle Abigail and Sue were practising their soon and at this point my group was out and I was just watching and then I saw them use the move that separated us from the other groups and so me and my group walked away to the other ping-pong table and I’m just like did you see that like they used to move and after about half an hour I rack up the courage to tell elle about it and it takes me awhile because I’m not a confrontational person so I tell her and I’m like hey we don’t like that you the move because it’s the only thing that separates us and mix a stand like apart from the other two groups and she’s like okay I can tell Abigail but you have to be with me and I’m like fine because although I’m not confrontational and I didn’t want to do it I know that I had to compromise otherwise nothing was going to get sorted out so I so I walk behind Elle and then Elle I feel like for me under the bus and it’s like Abigail Eve has something to say to you and I stare at Elle so i sorta felt betrayed and angry anyway so I don’t look Abigail in the eye and I just look at the floor and then I know that I should’ve been louder but I talked quietly and explain our reasoning. The next day I am in math and I tell my friends about what happened as I wanted advice and I want to vent and then my friend Blake was like I have her next period for media they share the same media studies class do you want me to ask her about it and I’m like sure whatever so Blake tells Abigail about it and media and then Abigail emails me but I didn’t see that till third period in science when I had to send an email to a teacher and so I respond to her email and I say not anything against you it’s just I feel like this move separates us from the other two groups and our scene was hard to block because of like it was outside and like these two people are walking but there isn’t really anything else to do with it other than walk and sit so we were really angry and upset and disappointed that our move got stolen and basically when I talk to Abigail she was like we thought of it like when we were a group altogether collectively and I’m like no we didn’t as you were sick and Elle was in Aussie and and she said that we were gatekeeping the move but as I see we weren’t keeping it for the sake of gatekeeping it gatekept it because it was the only move that separated us so anyway after that we had like drama last period and Elle comes up to me and it’s like I want to sort this out can we please talk to Mr and I’m like I’m fine with that but you have to talk to Abigail about it so Elle goes up to Abigail and they talk for about five minutes then Elle comes back to me and it’s like Abigail said that we won’t use that anymore and I’m like sweet okay cool and so it goes another group then it’s Abigail Elle and Sue go before us and they use the move and then Mr asked if like getting one more sound and stuff and like lighting for a part of their group came up with doing siren lights and a siren sound effect for when the cop comes in and Abigail must’ve heard that and then she used that as well as the move that she said that they wouldn’t use

So I cant find this meaning of self love people keep talking about. It's so foreign to me. I grew up with my parents divorced and I lived with my father. My father use to beat me when I was younger because of the mistakes I used to make such as not writing correctly I'm kindergarten. Not reading correctly in the first grade. Not doing math properly Not tieing my shoes properly. Anything I didn't do correctly the first time was corrected violently. Our only activity we did was he had many drink with him starting at the age of 10 getting drunk with him on beer. He kept thinking me and him were supposed "half demons" thinking he can just change the colors of his eyes with a thought. And one day when I was 20 he pressed the teeth of a machete against my throat daring me to move. I had to forcibly grab the blade while he had it pressed against my throat forcing it away from my throat. He tried twisting the handle to cut my hand in doing so. I say all this because I don't really see the point of living I don't want to keep going you know. Anytime a flood warning or a tornado warning happens I get relieved thinking maybe it's my time to go now it can finally all end. I'm in my 20s but I feel like I'm in my 120s waiting for someone or life itself to pull the plug. It's hard to really get up everyday and honestly I'm numb to most things. I think my mental decline trying to keep everything together over the years has reduced me to this state. Alot of friends I used to hang out with are gone now living their own lives. I tried seeking a relationship like others my age but it didn't work out to well. I had surgery on my shoulder which cost me all my finances struggling to keep up with rent and bills etc and I don't know back to my original point I'm just tired just not wanting to keep going. Whatever light there was at the end of the tunnel or those happy moments to cling onto has faded over the years.

Is there a way to do affiliate marketing without having to deal with taxes??😭 in fact is there ANY type of way to make money online without dealing with taxes?? DONT WORRY IM NOT TRYNA DO ANYTHING SHADY it’s just like I’m a minor so I really don’t know about any tax info and I would put my parents own BUT IMMA TRYNA MAKE MONEY TO GET AWAY FROM THEM YK?? can’t let them know or else they may take it 😿 well affilate marketing does seem pretty good rn BUT IDK WHAT TO PUT FOR TAXES I NEED HELPPPP

Would you be okay with your partner showing expressions to you in a public space?

So I'm introverted and I have a resting serious face when I'm not talking to anyone at events. I was upset with my boyfriend because he was ignoring me so I made a face at him. Nothing elaborate but it was like a glare and eye roll. And we were like on a side and maybe someone could notice but I didn't think so. He didnt like that I made a face because he didn't want other people to notice it and make something of it. Other people includes random people we barely know and other people we do know (not nearby) and one of his cousin and her husband were nearby but again we were off to the side.

I did communicate that I was upset because he was ignoring me (he doesnt think he was). I also said I won't make a face or eye roll in future events because he doesn't like it and I meant it. I'm just curious about other opinions about being expressive to your own partner. We weren't near our close family (i wouldnt do that around our family) and the other people there suck and idc about their opinions tbh. I know he cares about society and stuff so I do/ don't do certain things out of respect but I do think it's annoying to do that for fake people who love to judge and have nothing to do with my life.

Hey me.

I see you sitting there, blasting Glass Half Empty on loop through your earbuds in the middle of class. I'm doing the same thing, too. Those lyrics are so relatable, aren't they? Anyway. I know Bowie, Trinity, and Harvie are still ignoring you. I know that Johne and Amelia still forget you're there sometimes. I know that Angel is your only friend left that sees and hears you. But hey, things'll get better. I think. You know, let's just reflect on the past four years before we get to high school. How's that sound? and when we're seniors, we'll reflect on our high school years too. Here we go:

Remember 5th grade? when you and Trinity first met? When you dated Livvie? Remember her? I forgot what school she goes to now... Oh well. But remember recess, playing with all of Trinity's little plastic animals? Remember there Kermits? You never did really become part of that... But that's besides the point. 5th grade was fun! I miss it. I bet you do too.

6th grade was when you met Amelia, Harvie, and Maddie. I still remember the exact places we sat at lunch. The third round table, and you always say next to Amelia. And you would give her your cheeseburger (which you got everyday) even though she had a lunchbox. Those were the good days... Ah well. They're gone now. But those days were easy, you never had to worry about whether or not your existence would be remembered the next day. EVeryone was interested in the same things, and we were all one friendgroup, and there was no stress about who liked who. That is, until you started liking Amelia. But you never asked her out, did you? I don't blame you. Stuff like that is really stressful.

And 7th grade! That was when you met Bowie, Angel, and Johne. Remember how you and Bowie started out? kinda awkward, I remember. Emma had been saying for a while that you and Bowie would be best friends. And you became best friends, didn't you! You two had such fun together. Then Trinity and Amelia started dating. Then you and Maddie started dating. Then you broke up with Maddie. And then you and Bowie started dating. 7th grade was ok.

But 8th grade... That's when everything fell apart. You broke up with Bowie, yet you two still stayed best friends. Nothing changed between you two, except maybe that you'd make jokes about when you two dated, things like, "why did I ever date you" whenever one of you did something dumb. But then... people started drifting. The friendgroup split in half. One half even moved tables at lunch. That was your half. And the other half stopped speaking to you and you only. Even Bowie, who was on that half. And then you started turning invisible with your own half. Even on your birthday. At least you still had Angel. But some days, you were invisible to even her. Depression got the best of you, didn't it? It still has me in its holds.

But listen to me now: you can't let yourself disappear. Get new friends. Ones who see you and hear you. Don't let the old ones turn you invisible. They don't define you. Even if things seem hopeless now, you'll get through this. You have to. And if you don't, then at least you tried, right? so try. Don't let go just yet. Don't give up until you can't go any further. It may seem like you can't now, but you can. Trust me. The apathy and depression may be bad, but you'll survive it all. Maybe. Possibly. You've almost made it to high school. Just keep pushing, and you'll get there. I get it, you want to just fizzle out, to just give up. But you can't. Keep going. Do it for Angel. For Sam, too, even though you can't talk to him anymore. But he'd want you to keep going. So keep going.

See you soon,

You.

I have been receiving lots of disrespect from my gf

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman who cheats. I used to JUDGE people who did it, like how could you betray someone who trusts you? And now here I am… sitting with this weight on my chest, knowing I did it not once, but twice. Twice. And he still doesn’t know. My husband, the man who works hard, who makes dinner on the weekends, who remembers the name of my favorite tea. He’s not perfect, no one is, but he didn’t deserve this. And the worst part? I don’t even know why I did it. It’s not like I don’t love him—I think I do? Or maybe I just love the version of us that used to be. The comfort, the routine. But there was something missing and instead of talking to him, I went looking for that missing piece somewhere else. It wasn’t planned. The first time, it just happened. A guy from work, late hours, too much wine. The guilt nearly killed me after. I promised myself never again.

But I did it again. Months later, someone else. Another moment of weakness? Or maybe it’s something deeper, something broken in me. I don’t even enjoy it in the way people might think. It’s not thrilling, it’s not empowering—it’s sad. It’s confusing. I walk around pretending like everything is normal, but inside I feel like I’m carrying this giant crack that no one else can see. And I look at him—my husband—and I feel like I’m two people. The one who kisses him goodbye in the morning and the one who did those unforgivable things. I think what scares me most is how easy it was to lie. How simple it felt to slip into that second life and then just go back home like nothin happened. What kind of person does that? What kind of wife, what kind of human?

I keep telling myself that I’m not a bad person. That I just made bad choices. But is that just an excuse? People say if you really love someone, you wouldn’t hurt them like this. So does that mean I don’t love him? Or that I’m just too messed up to know what love is? I replay everything over and over in my head. The moments that led up to it, the guilt after, the fake smiles, the cold silence when I’m alone. I want to confess, but I’m terrified. Of losing him. Of him never looking at me the same. Of destroying the life we built. And yet, haven’t I already destroyed it? Even if he doesn’t know, the truth is in me now. Stuck in every glance, every touch. And the worst part is I miss something—I don’t even know what exactly. Freedom? Excitement? Being seen? But none of that makes what I did right.

So I sit here and I ask myself every night, what kind of person am I? Am I a coward? Am I broken? Am I someone capable of love or just someone afraid to be alone? I thought I knew who I was, but now I question everything. I wear this mask so well that even I forget it’s there sometimes. But under it, I’m scared. I’m full of regret. I don’t want to keep lying, but I don’t know how to undo what I’ve done. I don’t even know if I deserve forgiveness. Maybe someday I’ll find the courage to tell him. Maybe someday I’ll be honest. But right now… I’m just lost. And the question keeps echoing in my head: what kind of person am I? I wish I knew.

At first, I felt fine, before I realized: In your eyes, I'm a demon, right? Without an ending, I'm still pretending like I attended your funeral today. Overconsumption of your own compassion, put on perfume of iniquity. Now I could never dream of doing anything in such a way like you did to me, so, give me a taste of sovereignty, a lantern in the night. Get me away from history, from the cycle's bitter light, from existing out of spite.

Now do you hate me? Are you afraid of me? Are you able to feel culpability? Come forth, and kill me! Bow down, and worship name! Take your time! All we have is eternity! My name is unknown, something I've never told. On my own, I declare, "I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!" I've got a cut-throat delight as we carouse while you writhe. I'll put your fear in my drink tonight. Tonight, I'm chewing up and spitting out your pride. You got an iron dye where only God'll find. I took a photo of shame to remember you by. True colours make a pretty-picture memory, returning less than you gave to me. I know infinity, she howls with the past, as they gouge each other's eyes. I know duplicity, who once was a child born in villainy. I know infinity, she howls with the past, as they gouge each other's eyes. I know what hides in me, if only you knew the same... Now do you hate me? Are you afraid of me? Are you able to feel culpability? Come forth, and kill me! Bow down, and worship name! Take your time! All we have is eternity! My name is unknown, something I've never told. On my own, I declare, "I don't wanna go home!"

Culpability: Responsibilty for a fault or wrong; blame.

Nobody feels culpability anymore.

Except me.

And the only culpability I feel is other people's.

i know it sound stupid to some ppl, like just another weird fear or whatever, but i swear this thing is real for me. i can’t stop thinkin about it—losing my mind, my memories, my self. dementia, alzheimer’s, all that… it terrifies me. like deep in my bones kind of fear. i’ll be sittin there watchin tv or just layin in bed, and boom, it hits me. “what if i forget who i am one day? what if i forget my mom, or where i live, or how to talk?” nd it ain’t even like i’m old or anything, i’m only 27, but the thought never leaves. it started after my grandma passed. she had alzheimer’s nd near the end she didn’t even remember me, nd that messed me up fr. i’d go visit her, nd she’d smile at me like i was a stranger, callin me names of people long gone. it was like watchin her fade while still breathin. nd now it’s like every little thing i forget makes me panic. forgot where i left my keys? maybe it’s startin. called someone by the wrong name? brain’s probly already slippin.

i keep tryin to tell myself it’s just anxiety, that i’m overthinkin, but it don’t help. i’ve googled the symptoms so many times i basically memorized the whole list. nd now it’s like i’m constantly watchin myself, checkin if i’m rememberin stuff right, testin myself with lil memory games in my head like a freak. sometimes i won’t even enjoy a moment cause i’m too scared i won’t remember it. nd that’s the worst part honestly. the fear is stealin the life i’m tryin to protect. like i’ll be hangin with friends nd instead of laughin, i’m thinkin “ok remember this, what are we talkin about? who’s here? what time is it?” nd if i mess up just once it’s like my whole body goes cold. my chest gets tight, my head spins, i start spiralin like “this is it, it’s happening, i’m losing it.” no one really gets it either. they just be like “bro ur fine” or “you’re too young for that stuff.” nd i know they mean well, but it don’t help. it just makes me feel more alone.

sometimes i feel like i’m already gone a little, like the fear itself is eatin away at me. it’s not even just memory loss i’m scared of—it’s losing me. who i am, what i love, the people i care about. i see older people walkin down the street lookin confused and i can’t help but wonder, “were they like me once?” did they have the same thoughts, the same fears, and then one day it all just slipped? maybe i sound crazy, but it’s real to me. nd i don’t kno how to stop it. therapy helped a bit but i still have bad days. sometimes real bad. nd i just sit there in the dark, tryin to hold onto everything i can remember, like if i think hard enough it’ll all stay. maybe it’s irrational, maybe i got some kinda health anxiety or whatever, but it feels like this shadow followin me everywhere i go. nd no matter how fast i run, it’s always there. this fear of forgettin, of fading, of losin who i am. dementophobia. that’s the word i found online. nd it’s ugly, it’s heavy, and it’s real as hell.

Dear me

I Remember when you were 11 excited and nervous to go to college A on your first day. Excited to make new friends, meet new people and teachers, yet nervous as you wondered about how hard it would be as it is a big step up from year 6 but u kept telling yourself don’t worry you will be fine or so u thought.

You were 12 now in year 8 thinking it would stay the same…well boy were you wrong,

everything Changed the friend group broke apart, lonely lunch’s sitting by myself, rumours spiralling, friends distancing themselves,people staring as you pass them through the hallways and fake friends asking what’s your sexuality trying to find out if the rumors were true and then there was you feeling hurt,betrayed and crap about myself. you wondered if things would change? Or if it would effect you more than it already had.

now you were 13 in year 9 dreading to walk through those gates again knowing that you were the most hated student in your year, the rumors still spiralling except now i liked my best friend the thought of me liking her in that way is weird and unsettling,

Classmates always asking are you if you And your best friend secretly dating you would always respond with no even if i was dating her I wouldn’t tell u as its none of your business. You was really badly affected by this that a lot of the time you faked sick as you really dreaded and hated coming to school and even if you did come to school u could feel the eyes constantly staring at you making you squirm in your seat as if u really really had to pee it was really uncomfortable and you feel numb and depressed inside but on the outside you had a happy and smiley forcade. Every night you wished and dreamt that things would get better.

Year ten rolls around and you get good news you’re in a class with my second cousin and you think finally i get someone to sit with during class but it turns out you sit by yourself again and you feel alone and isolated again for the third year in a row. You take French drama and business studies as your extra subjects, in French you sit alone nobody talks to you unless they have to, when you have to get in to buddies or groups you always find yourself alone the only one without a partner or a group and you think to yourself they hate me am i a bad person? Do i not deserve acknowledgment? Your French teacher always sees you alone and makes me join another group beside you or join Evie (fake name) who has some syndrome and is hard to understand when she speaks as her words slur together and she is as quiet as a mouse, and it was just horrible i had no friends in that class nobody to talk too and nobody to acknowledge me. Drama was ok you liked your teacher there were some popular people in your class but they avoided you and you avoided them. But when you came to assessments you were always the last one to get chosen its like dodgeball in those high school movies where you are the last on that hasn’t been chosen and balls get pelted at you I remember when u had nobody for your Shakespeare performance and the only people available were my internationale friends i joined up with one of them but she was leaving back to japan a week befor the assessment so at the last minute me and the other exchange student had to learn a script off by heart but we also had to do blocking for it a day before the assessment but you were used to it at that point. A few months later you and your mum had a fight about something stupid and you felt crap about yourself again and this time you followed your instincts and did something bad when your mum saw she freaked out and u bursted out crying you cried so much it was like your tears flooded the room as you tell your mum about your school life At A. what feels like the worst part of your life then turns to the best part of your life as u go from rock bottom too the highest of highes as your mum said that you can move schools to B. again like at your first day at A you are nervous and excited.

now 15 and in year 11 you are very luckily and grateful as you find your place there and make new friends, you even met a old very good friend from primary school there and you cry in her arms as you haven’t seen your best friend in 3 years and you made really good friends there and you are much happier at B than A although you still struggle mentally you are a lot better.

Why can't I just feel normal? I'm 16 yet I already feel like there's so many expectations now. There are so many talented people in so many different fields at my age. I've been feeling okay but recently I've felt like there's so many expectations that I've set up for myself. I used to have a complicated relationship with age, I was raised by the internet all my life and I adored the feeling of being the youngest, like being dubbed as "mature" within an environment that was purely teenagers or adults. But age practically proposes nothing, and I'm glad I got out of that mindset. It didn't help that I maladaptive daydreamed for most of my life though, and hid behind a dumb persona. I feel satisfied with being a teenager, but now my past is causing me to feel... off. The internet is probably one of the only places I have right now that I can express my authentic self in one way or another. I'm trying to do my best, and sometimes I don't even notice that what I produce (art, conversation, etc) is even worth it without someone assuring me about it. All of these factors are making me feel ridiculous and pressured...

So I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he is a bit older. I love him for the most part and it's mostly good but I feel bored sometimes. I don't wanna do anything crazy but sometimes I'd like if he'd plan things spontaneously. Not even something elaborate or expensive but anything. He does fun things but we both tend to be busy and we only get saturdays and weekday evenings and throughout the week we'll meet briefly. Of course I've communicated it and he wants to do things and he'll talk about it but it's the actually doing it part. Also even after we spend a couple hours together Saturday I often feel bored during or afterwards and I find myself wishing we would do more. Sometimes I regret being with an older guy and I love many things about him but it kinda sucks not being able to do things that I've wanted to. And I don't want to tell him about the regret or disappointment because I don't wanna hurt him but I do tell him about the things I wish we did. I know he's focused on making money and so am I but I can't help how I feel. And I feel like I'm a shitty person for feelings these things.