Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 33

Ok SO. Im 18 (afab) and my father has been raising me on his own since I was like 3?? He himself has gone through an abusive and pretty traumatic life, however since I could think it has been... exhausting. To live with him. The alternative is worse, and I have literally no where to go. He likes saying rude (homophobic, demeaning, racist whatever you can think of) things because he thinks my reaction is "funny". FUNNY. like yeah sure me getting upset because I do not understand youre joking is FUNNY. Ive always, ALWAYS struggled with tone and in general social stuff. I dont know why, ive tried to get better but its literally a guessing game for me especially with my father but in general with everyone. My father has always had high expectations for me, he used to get REALLY mad at a C, he has gotten used to it in certain subjects yet hes still like "You wont get your Abi with this" (Im german, abitur is a qualification for University). Hes also really weird sometimes. as in. he will joke about me being his mother or girlfriend, even when i have explicitly asked him to stop. He also constantly threats throwing me out if I dont behave how he wants. I know he has had a rough life. I KNOW THAT. But i also know it doesnt excuse whatever the hell he does. He belittles me and then afterwards acts like a knight in shining armour, like "dont think those things about yourself!" like i didnt until YOU mentioned it! He also thinks I have BPD or some shit for no reason (he has refused to get me therapy multiple times) like hey. If you think I got something THEN GET ME INTO THERAPY LIKE I HAVE ASKED YOU TO. He can constantly track where I am, hes worried about me. i get it. BUT I TURN 19 THIS YEAR. show an OUNCE of trust in me. I have gotten like. everything I need in life, I ask for anything material, I will most likely get it from him sometimes in the future, but hey! Wild thought! Maybe you shouldve TAUGHT ME how to handle my emotions! I dont know how to do this shit! And hes not helping with yelling at me when I start crying about how im crying for no reason and that im an adult! This is all over the place im sorry its like 2 AM and i did this on the spot because im just. tired. I dont wanna end it or anything, my friends would be too sad for that but im just. So so tired. I dont feel like I have achieved anything with my life, i dont think im good at anything, i dont like who I am or how I look. I also dont know how to change it because whenever I try asking for help people reassure me that im fine the way I am. "Youre not annoying" "Eventually youll feel like youre good at something!" "Once you moved out everything will be better!" But what if its not? What if im just doomed? I know its stupid, im 18 I have like a century ahead of me. But it also feel like im just pushing a boulder up a hill. I want to be better, i want to move more but whenever I try to I literally cant. Its like my brain doesnt allow me to. And I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to. Like im not gonna unload all this shit on my friends? They know most of the story but I act fine now. And I have no other parent, no other adult to confide in. Again. sorry. All over the place and really depressing i suppose.

My dad and my mom divorced when I was 8, and my mom took me in the custody. Around that time, both my mom and dad were drug users and it affected me badly. But thats a story for another time. Either way is that, my dad rarely called or talked to me. The times he did call was good, until he got a girlfriend and all hell broke lose. When I was ten, I remember distinctly she kicked me and him out of the house, and threw my favorite book away. It was almost 100 degrees outside and we had to walk almost five hours. It was straight up miserable. Everytime I even tried to talk to him, she was there to pick a fight with my mom and take it out on me. My mom is sober now, and I think thats what causing her to be angrier. Or maybe its because she thinks im a threat. Im fifteen, and I guess she doesn't like it. She has made some vague rapey threats towards me infront of him. Ive left crying his house multiple times. But hes not innocent either, he has repeatedly never talked to me unless its every six months. He went to my eighth grade graduation, but it ended in disaster anyway with her texting me. Every hang out with him is a disaster, I started to get the urge to completely cut him out a few months ago when we were trying to have an all weekend hang out together before my school started. But, his girlfriend called and called me and my mother a bunch of names. She called me a whorish bastard child. Now, after I keep making effort to reach out, this last hang out ended with her texting me and saying alot of mean things again. I told my mom, and she decided that it was enough. She told me not to contact him until he got his act together, because hes letting her act this way or so she said. But I feel bad, maybe im sensitive and blocking him was too much but I sent him a rude text and now I feel guilty. Because she probably read that text and now im sure that she hates me too when I tried to be harmless. I dont know if I should block him or apologize but being around that was genuinely making me hurt myself.

I feel. I feel things harder than anyone else. I know it sounds bad but I just… I really want to be different. Like a whole different person. And I can’t do that in this life time. I want to be a mom, welder, doctor, social worker, teacher, boss, an artist, writer. Everything.

But I’ve honestly thought I’d be better off writing? I think I’m not bad… but not good…? My thoughts collide like magnets? Both want each other but if you change it slightly it wants out?

But I’ve often felt my body is disgusting, my mind, my work, and my damn past. I want to be a good writer. But I don’t have the energy.

And I’ve often wanted to rip body parts off me? Even hurt myself. But I’m too cowardly.

i've been cyberbully in the internet more than one month. to make it worse, i got doxxed by someone (they spread my phone number and pictures).. idk what should i do cuz i only asked several question and i was mad for the unfair treatment for a day but they cyberbully more than one month (i believe this will continue forever) any suggestion what should i do to avoid this stress..? the way only some of my friends comfort me.. :(

I've always been the kind of person who can do well academically, especially when the lecturer is kind to me. but this semester, there's a lecturer who keeps having issues with me. I completed my assignment and everything, but she deducted marks just because I didn’t show her my progress.hat day, I had to go to the hospital for a therapy appointment. when we got our marks today, most of my classmates got 27 or 28 out of 30, while I only got 22. I was so frustrated and I couldn’t hold myself back from hurting myself.

Hey there, folks. So, I'm a 31-year-old guy, and I got a little thing going on that's starting to bug me. I can't stop laughing at everything. Literally, everything. Just last week, I received a not-so-good appraisal at work. Imagine sitting there with your manager who’s all serious and in-the-zone, saying, "Steve, you just don't seem to take anything seriously," and all I can think about is whether he too smirks when he sees funny cat videos 🐱. But really, it's becoming an issue. The corporate world wants commitment and focus, and here I am, laughing my head off at the smallest things like a sitcom on a constant loop.

This wasn't always a problem. Before this job, I worked in a startup where humor was almost part of the job description. We had ping-pong tables, bean bags, and a boss who laughed louder than any comedy club crowd. But now, things are... different. 😅🫤

I'm in a structured environment where meetings use terms like "KPIs," "cross-functional synergy," and "enterprise risk management." It feels like my inclination to laugh doesn't fit the bill. My manager's talking about the fiscal year-end, and I'm biting my lip trying to suppress a chuckle thinking, "Where did my carefree emoji moment go?"

So here's my question: How can one dial down the humor radar? Some might say maturity, but does growing older mean shedding away that joyous laughter; that isn't the solution I'm looking for. I'd miss the light-hearted me. Luckily, I think there's still hope. I remember reading on some blog once, "Laughter is the best medicine, but it's about the dosage." Maybe that's the trick? Moderation. Learn to redirect when it's time to listen and laugh later.

And still, I ponder over whether I can do it. Would mediation help to calm down spontaneous giggles? Could immersing myself more in serious articles, like the economics section of the newspaper, create balance? Some say it's about training the mind, and I bet they're right. But I’m hopeful that with practice, I'll learn to contain it when necessary and still keep that lively side of me intact. After all, if we don't occasionally laugh at a good ol' meme, are we even living life to its fullest?

bassically, its only like the third day back at school? and my mental health has already plumetted. like people decide to just drop their shit on me and run like its the wind. one of my friends wont stop traumadumping whenever I'm near. and another is just going around showing videos of him cutting himself. and everyone is just constantly dropping their trauma onto my back without asking. nor do they ever consider it might be fucking triggering.

idk like my hobbies aint hitting the same anymore. everythings so gray and dull. im trying to not be suicidal here but its not giving me many options. ive tried song writing but all my guitar stuff is pretty depressing, angry or something made by a stoner. i have no purpose, nobody needs me. i think thats a thingy thats making me depressed/bored too.. and uhh im not dead yet! i failed miserably at suicide and i somehow managed to hide it from my parents. they are lowkey idiots.

lol sorry for the mods reading trough all my geeked ass posts. hope you have a splendid day today.

but yeah any tips? or stuff to do in general?

me and my friend have been friends for years ever since I first met her we have been inseparable. Honestly it was amazing since all my friends before that had bullied or ghosted me. Now it has been years and I made another friend who is suffering abuse I support her but she ignores me and doesnt care about me or this friendship when a year ago we were close friends have I done somthing wrong now my old friend we were still inseparable I do so much for her I sat with her when she was incredibly sick I stould up for her we did most things together I made sure everything was good for her. And what she does in return I'm joking around she threatens me, she hits me a lot in painful ways it just well it was usually there when I got irritating but now her and my other friends have been hanging out without me lying about her being at the library which i respected and I just found out and she even once I didn't want to be friends with someone but didnt feel ready to say it I told her that she still told them. she not only calls me weird but also I view her as a sister at this point but shes cancelling playdates and ghosting me and when we talk she is usually in class. I just want my friends back she also sided with my old bully who gave me self harming thoughts years ago which I still feel sometimes over me

I don't know what im doing but im skipping school in th bathroom and i dont know what to do bc i just want to end it all but nothings helpingand i keep waiting and wairing for things to get better and they never do and im tired of it

you abandoned me, and for what? nothing. I did nothing to you and you left me. so you know what? go die for all I care.

so I woke up this morning and started at the ceiling and was like why? why do I try? why do I live? What's the point of doing anything if it doesn't matter in the end?

and

now

youve

got

me

thinking

I WISH I COULD BE A GIRL

AND THAT WAY

YOUD WISH I COULD BE YOUR

GIRLFRIEND

BOYFRIEND

AM I PRETTY ENOUGH

TO LOVE BACK

NO

NOT

YET!!!!!!!

I WISH I COULD BE A GIRL

AND REALLY

ID PREFER IT IF YOU WOULD USE

I

ME

MYSELF

AM I PRETTY ENOUGH

AM I PRETTY ENOUGH

TO FUCKING D-

not a specific story but hear me and share some troughts.

I'm an only child, and a girl but I was still aware of the preference of boys over girls in my culture from a very Young age. So I sometimes ask myself if my mother would love me more if I was a boy. She's no pick me,

She did love me her only daughter, and made me aware of man's disturbing side in reality, but over the years something was missing in our relationship. It's like she saw herself in me, which is very common in a mother-daughter relationship, except it wasn't a positive factor for her and she became aggressive with me as soon as I turned teenager, she accused me of bizarre things (like demanding to check my virginity at 14, and trust me I wasn't that kind of a kid). It's very sad to think that she wouldn't have been like that if I was a boy.

Now I live alone and haven't seen my mom for 1 year, everyone keep asking why I don't take care of her mental health (would they demand this if I was a boy?) , she also defeated cancer which I'm proud of her and I think that's one of the reason her mental health decreased

so world is not black and white but it sure is unfair somehow.

I want to know other people's experiences with this similar dynamic.

so um... for a while I went through this phase where I would take those mental health quizzes for like hours and like google stuff about it for hours(the reason why is for another rant) but I remember I felt like I wasn't sure if I was exageratting or underexagerating my answers, and then I got to this quiz about BPD (borderline personality disorder) and it all sorta fit? if you don't know what it is you can Google btw I never heard of it before my obsessive researching😭.specifically "silent Bpd". ik online quizzes and stuff like that isn't a good idea and not a good diagnosis, and its also pretty rare so I may be don't but it just fits so perfectly. like I'm gonna copy paste some symptoms from Google just bc why not ig? Key characteristics include emotional suppression, self-harm or suicidal ideation, self-blame, and a sense of emptiness, sabotaging friendships, fear of abandonment, and unstable self image, all of which are hidden from others. I'm not suicidal today, but 11 days ago I was LITTERALLY planning my death... when I was severely depressed(lasted for maybe two years was suicdal that time too only two suffocation attemps) I did like tiny sh?? I don't wanna sound like dramattic or overexageratting because I never made myself bleed, but I would push my nails deep into my skin till it broke a little and I would scratch myself as well, and in like a twisted way I was proud of myself for it bc I am super scared and avoidant of pain with a low pain tolrance. the main cause of my big depressive stage was me repressing my emotions and feelings while I was in a super toxic relationship with my friends(I wrote another vent about that either "Self Sabatoge" or "My friend has the emotional intelligence of a thermostat") and that was rlly bad bc the feelings had to come out one time or another and bc I held them in so long I'm still dealing with leftover emotions from that time which makes it super hard to move on. I constantly feel like my friends are better then me and get scared that they don't like me or think im annoying or dont acc care Abt me which acc makes my relationships worse, because I've gotten super defensive about being too nice to people bc last time I was taken advantage of, so instead of acting insecure around my friends I withdraw myself and say I dont care or stuff doesn't bother me (bc I also got made fun of for being sensitive and it just made me more sensative). I acc wonder if I'm still suppressing feelings, just less of them bc I keep like getting upset at my friends for things that shouldn't rlly make me upset? I acc wonder if its not them being insensitive like I thought in "my friend has social intelligence of thermostat" and I just don't think I deserve them or I should just stop bothering them. I am 100% sure tho that I have self image problems.. I don't think its normal to have how I think I look affect my entire mindset or mood for the day, and have how I think I look vary so much. one day I'm confident with no makeup the next a full face and I still look like a rat trying to catfish. I sometimes tell myself I'm ugly and imagin myself super ugly to keep my hopes down so when I next look in the mirror I'm not as ugly as I thought I was. I wish I could just think I was pretty and stay thinking I was pretty instead of thinking I'm pretty and then seeing how ugly I am. I'm not hiding my emotions as much as I used to bc I got tired of babying everyone and pretending it was ok for them to do whatever they wanted and not think before there spoke, but anyways, do you think I do?? maybe I need an outside eye to say weather or not I do.. I honestly don't even know what I want for this, but if it's good to get each part of what's stuck inside me out, and this is something I have been wondering for a while. anyways, thanks for getting this far! could you maybe tell me what you think Abt this?