Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 4

I’m 23M and I finished my IT studies last year thinking I was at least stepping onto a road, even if it wasnt a perfect one. I actually did get one decent thing right after, a paid internship for 2 months, doing small dev tasks, fixing bugs, cleaning messy code, sitting in standups acting like I knew what “velocity” really meant. It was not glamorous but it felt real, like finally I was inside the system instead of just training for it. Then it ended, they said nice things, “you did well,” “we’ll keep your CV,” the usual polite exit lines, and after that it was just silence. Since then I’ve been applying everywhere for junior developer jobs, trainee jobs, “entry level” jobs that somehow still ask for 2 years of experience in three frameworks and cloud certs like they’re handing out pilot licenses. I’m not saying companies are evil for wanting good candidates, because I kind of get it, nobody wants to spend money training someone who might leave, and the market seems bad for everybody right now, not just me. But at the same time it’s hard not to take it personal when rejection emails stack up or, more common, when there is no reply at all. “We have decided to move forward with other candidates” starts to sound like background noise after a while. And the weird part is I can still explain the logic of it, I can still be rational, but that doesn’t stop the mood from sinking. Unemployment depression sounds dramatic when you say it out loud, maybe even too online, but what else do you call it when every day looks the same and your confidence gets slowly sanded down by job boards, fake motivation, and waiting?

What makes it worse for me, honestly, is AI. I know some people love it, some people say “adapt or die,” some say it’s just another tool like Google or Stack Overflow, and maybe for some jobs that’s true. I’m not trying to do the old man yelling at clouds thing at 23 😅. But I hate how it entered the conversation right when I was trying to begin. It already felt hard enough to get taken seriously as a junior dev, and now every article, podcast clip, LinkedIn post, and random recruiter comment sounds like, “junior coding will change,” “companies need fewer entry-level devs,” “AI can boost one senior into doing the work of three people.” Maybe some of that is hype, maybe alot of it is marketing, maybe companies are just using it as the newest excuse to freeze hiring, I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to stay fair about it. I know AI can help with boring tasks, documentation, debugging, whatever. I even used some of it during school and during the internship because not using it at all would be kind of fake. But I still resent it, because I spent years hearing that tech was safe, practical, future-proof, and now the same people are acting like the ladder got pulled up just when my turn came. It feels like someone changed the rules after the exam. And before anyone says “build projects,” yes, I did that, small web apps, GitHub commits, portfolio, CV rewrites, leetcode a bit, networking a bit, messages to old classmates, all of it. None of it turned into actual work. After months of this, even personal projects start to feel fake, like I’m making pretend products for no users just so I can maybe impress someone who will never answer the application anyway;

The hardest part is probably how ordinary it all looks from the outside. I live at home right now, I wake up, search listings, send applications, tweak cover letters, maybe study, maybe stare at the screen pretending I’m still “being productive,” then the day ends and technically nothing exploded. No big tragedy, no dramatic downfall, just a slow, dull shrinking. Friends from school are mixed too, some found jobs, some didn’t, some moved into support or data stuff or just gave up and took whatever paid rent. I don’t judge them, and I try not to judge myself either, because the economy is messy and the tech market is clearly not what we were promised. Still, there’s this embarassing feeling when someone asks, “So what are you doing now?” and the true answer is basically waiting. Waiting while trying to look active. Waiting while telling yourself you’re not lazy, not broken, not useless, just stuck. I don’t think unemployment automatically equals depression for every person, and I don’t want to throw that word around carelessly, but when your plans stop moving, your brain can stop moving too. You start thinking in smaller and smaller circles. You compare yourself to strangers. You read posts where people say “just keep grinding” or “the market will recover” like those phrases are food. Maybe they mean well. Maybe they’re right. But being told to stay positive when nothing changes can start to feel insulting, even if the advice isn’t wrong. So I’m asking, especially to anyone reading this who has been through something similar, how do you keep your head normal when your career hasn’t even started and already feels over? I’m still applying, still trying, still being realistic, but I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t changed how I see myself.

I’m 19, and I’m starting to feel like my brain got wired wrong somewhere, because I seriously cannot fall asleep in a quiet room. Not “it’s a little harder” quiet. I mean the kind of silence where I can hear my own swallowing, the radiator clicking, the blood rushing in my ears, every tiny shift in the mattress, and suddenly my whole nervous system acts like it’s on graveyard shift doing threat assessment. The second everything goes still, my sleep latency gets way worse, like my body forgets how to cross over into actual sleep onset. If I put on a fan, rain sounds, some dumb video essay playing low, or even just the hum of an air purifier, I knock out faster. Does anyone else get that, or am I just broken in a really specific and embarrassing way? People always talk like silence is the ideal sleep environment, like that’s the gold standard, but for me silence feels aggressive. It feels like standing on a stage waiting to mess up. Noise gives me auditory masking, which sounds clinical, but basically it just covers the sharp little sounds that keep pulling my attention back up to the surface. Without it, my brain starts monitoring everything, like some cheap surveillance system that never powers down. I’ve tried the “healthy” stuff too. No caffeine late, dim lights, no phone for a while, trying to regulate my circadian rhythm, breathing slow, all of it. And still, the moment it gets too quiet, my thoughts get louder than any speaker ever could. I start replaying every awkward conversation, every bad choice, every unfinished thing in my life, and then I’m just laying there feeling stupid. It’s wierd because during the day I say I want peace, but at night peace feels fake. Peace feels like waiting for something bad. When I was younger I used to fall asleep on the couch while the TV was on and plates were clinking in the kitchen, and I think my brain decided that background noise equals safety, like that became the default setting. So now when I try to sleep in a perfect silent room, it doesn’t feel restful, it feels abandoned.

Last week I actually tested it because I was tired of feeling dramatic about it. First night, I turned everything off because I wanted to prove to myself I was just being dependent on a habit. The room was dark, clean, no notifications, no sound, textbook sleep hygiene. I laid there for what felt like forever, probably doing micro-arousals every few minutes, drifting for two seconds and then snapping back because the silence made every thought sound huge. My chest wasn’t pounding or anything, so I’m not trying to say it was some full panic response, but my baseline arousal was clearly too high. I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, normal people can sleep in silence, why cant I. I got annoyed enough to turn on a box fan at like 2:17 a.m., and I swear my whole body unclenched within ten minutes. That should’ve made me feel relieved, but honestly it just made me feel worse, because now it seems less like a phase and more like I’ve trained myself into some dependency loop. The next night I tried brown noise instead, and same result, asleep faster, fewer wake-ups, less mental static. So yeah, the data is pretty obvious, but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. Accept it? Fix it? Is this just conditioning, or is it hypervigilance, or am I giving it too much meaning because I’m 19 and already tired all the time and kind of burnt out in general? I know there are worse problems to have, obviously. Needing noise to sleep is not exactly a tragic backstory. But it bothers me because it makes me feel fragile in this dumb specific way, like I can’t even handle the default setting of a room. And the worst part is I’m not even sure I want to fix it if noise is the only thing that consistently helps. Maybe the real issue isn’t the sound, maybe it’s what happens in my head when there’s alot of empty space for every thought to echo. I definately trust a fan more than my own mind at night, and that feels sad in a way I can’t make sound less pathetic.

Lately, I've been feeling this gnawing sensation that my friends might actually dislike me, and it's a feeling I can't seem to shake off, even though it's probably unwarranted and all in my head, but hey, who's there to say for sure??

Sometimes, when we're all hanging out, I get the vibe that I'm the odd one out, you know?? Like, they'll be laughing at some inside joke I don't get, making me wonder if I'm just the extra, unnecessary part of the group that they tolerate out of pity or habit, and not genuinely out of fondness or camaraderie; do you ever feel this way too?? Do others perceive me merely as a tag-along or an afterthought, or is it just the typical paranoia feeding off my insecurities?? I mean, there's been times when plans were made without my knowing, and while I try not to make a big deal of it, because who wants to be that person who's always fishing for inclusion, right?? It still stings a little bit, and I can't help but wonder if perhaps they intentionally left me out because, deep down, they don't really want me around, like when they all went for brunch but somehow "forgot" to text me, which felt like a punch to my gut realizing the event happened from all their Instagram stories the next day; or am I just overthinking everything, which I tend to do on most days anyway, not even gonna lie!! Then, there's the conversations that start and end with them, as if the exchange does not require my contribution; is that a sign of their disregard or just a lapse in their social interaction capabilities?? Yet, simultaneously, I can't ignore the times they've shown they care, and perhaps it's just my mind playing tricks on me, blowing insignificant occurrences out of proportion, turning a molehill into a mountain of self-doubt and suspicion!!! Sometimes I wonder if I'm just projecting my own feelings of inadequacy or fear of abandonment onto them, which seems plausible, but it doesn't make the emotions any less valid or substantial to me!! Are my thoughts, in this endless loop of self-questioning and uncertainty, shared by others who have gone through this exact dilemma, always second-guessing their place in a friendship, or am I a rare case of unjustified anxiety surrounding social dynamics?? I find myself questioning the genuine nature of our friendships while judging myself for even letting these thoughts exist since everyone seems fine and like there's nothing out of the ordinary; how does one reconcile the two?? There's this never-ending battle within, imagining the worst while trying to stay rational and tell myself it's not personal, but you know how it is, very tiring how the mind sometimes wants to wander off on dark roads without a care; do I confront them about these fears, risking further detachment, or bottle it up, hoping it's just a phase that will pass eventually, like clouds on an otherwise sunny day???

Even in moments of lightheartedness, there's this undercurrent of unease, a nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, I'm not as valued in their lives as they might be in mine; are these connections truly reciprocal, or am I investing my emotional capacity into illusions of friendship?!? All I crave is some reassurance that I'm not the solitary one battling these feelings, that I'm not the only one tangled in this web of doubt and suspicion; I even asked myself once if maybe I'm the toxic one who assumes the worst intentions behind their actions, simply because I've developed this narrative in my head that needs questioning and debunking sooner rather than later, don't you think?!!! It's a constant push and pull, where emotions and rationality duke it out in my mind, leaving me emotionally drained and yearning for answers that might never come unless I dig deep and analyze the origins of these feelings without bias; but truthfully, who has the time or energy for that deep introspection regularly, though I probably should make time, I'm aware!!? It's just frustrating, you feel me??!! Wondering if it's all a figment of an overactive imagination or a hint of a larger underlying issue that needs addressing; is it possible for friendships to thrive despite these shadows of doubt, or is there any wisdom in voicing these concerns to them, opening a potential can of worms that could lead to clarity or calamity??? What is the best approach here, do you reckon?!? It's interesting realizing that perhaps nobody really knows the absolute answers to these dilemmas, and each one of us is just winging it, hoping that we eventually get it right; and maybe, just maybe, that's okay in itself!!! What are your thoughts on this whole unsettling experience; have you ever been in a similar boat, sailing through murky waters littered with uncertainty, and is there a guiding star that leads one out of this cycle of doubt???

I genuinely just don't care anymore about school. I've tried to tell myself that it's so important and that I have to do these things to get into a good college to live a good life but right now I'm sitting and writing this post instead of studying for an important presentation that's tomorrow. Part of me is telling myself that I should work on it, that I should do it, but my heart's just not in it. I don't have any motivation to do this, nothing helps at all. I've tried studying with my friends but honestly it just doesn't work out. I always end up doing something random or doomscrolling. I don't know what to do anymore. Why am I feeling like this?? How do I get motivation???

hey, anyone else feeling like this??? it's like i'm constantly questioning my own existence as if i'm having an existential crisis, but isn't that too dramatic? every day, it's this unshakeable sensation, like i'm carrying a weighted blanket of doom. can anyone relate? sure, it could be stress or burnout. you know how everyone raves about that work-life balance, but what if there's no balance at all? maybe it's just our norm now, right?? constantly switched on and plugged in. those talks about dopamine and cortisol - are they legit, or just a fad??? "why do i feel like i'm dying," i ask myself almost daily. "this can't be normal," i think, but is it? i’ve heard about adrenal fatigue, a real thing apparently in the medical community. what if it's my adrenal glands crying out for help?? with the constant adrenaline dumps of modern life, it's no wonder, right? what if what's supposed to be an adrenaline rush slowly turns into lethal apathy??? frightening to consider, but isn’t that where we're at now, constantly anxious for seemingly no reason? headaches, fatigue - they tell me it's tension, but honestly, it's more than that, isn't it?? the classic "doctor google" game - not reliable, but inevitable when you're desperate. is it all in the mind, or could it be a nutrient deficiency? could it be something simple like that, or am i looking at early signs of something more insidious? when even a single day doesn't go by without questioning, "do i even have time for myself?" how valid is the concern that we might just be lab rats in a never-ending maze? is anyone else overthinking this??? plagued by lethargy but trapped in the paradox of insomnia... sounds like a cruel joke, doesn’t it? like those nights of sleep only to wake up feeling depleted, isn't that ironic?? people talk about mindfulness and self-care as if they're the cure-all. are they, really??? does being mindful amidst chaos truly alleviate, or is it like a band-aid on a gaping wound? the irony of it all - immersed in brief moments of peace only to be yanked back into the spinning wheel of anxiety; the 24-hour cycle of productivity pressures, isn't it exhausting?? or is it simply the side effects of our digital overdose??? are we perpetuating our own anguish through screens that keep us endlessly engaged yet forever detached? sometimes, i wonder if this constant barrage of information is programming us for obsolescence. are we just software in perpetual beta mode?? maybe i'm overanalyzing, maybe it's just life... but still, does everyone feel this unending wave of inadequacy creeping up on them like an algorithm-based existential threat?? sure, communities everywhere tout unity in mental health challenges... but if we're all lost, can the blind lead the blind effectively??? what’s the point of shared struggle if we don’t feel the progress?? they say: "reach out, talk it out." okay, but what if words are in short supply or feel inadequate? expressing the mind's chaos is not always easy, you're with me on this, right?? how many are authentically expressing, versus just surviving? the digital age, with its unforgiving pace, leaves minimal room for pause... in reality, who's truly programming whom, right?? perhaps we need a collective system reboot. maybe switching off is the answer... but who has the luxury to truly disconnect and not fear missing out? they call it "fomo," but is it fear or just the pressure to keep up? the idea of stepping away provides momentary relief, but isn’t the return even more overwhelming? seeking the balance seems more of a journey of doubt than certainty. there’s no handbook, no reset button. questions pile up, but does anyone have the answers?? everyone throws around terms like "holistic approach" and "mind-body connection," but does that resonate with you when standing on uneven ground? it’s hard to find a standard metric to validate feeling alive... maybe the question is not "why do i feel like i'm dying," but, "how do we collectively feel less submerged by life?" is there an endpoint, a resolution, or is this the new form of living??? ultimately, it’s a string of questions without real closure. does this align with anyone else's experience??? really keen to hear if this resonates or if i’m swimming upstream alone in this murky ether of uncertainty!!!

hey guys, so here's the deal. i've been feeling majorly disinterested at work lately, and i'm not sure what's up with that. it's not like i'm dealing with anything super complicated or demanding, y'know? it's just that ever since the AI took over, it's like i'm floating through my tasks with zero enthusiasm. like, do you ever feel like you're just on autopilot?🤔 i can't be the only one who's feeling this way, right?

seriously, it's like this AI has taken over every little detail of my job. stuff that used to take brainpower is now a matter of just clicking a button and... bam, it's done. i'm not saying that's a bad thing, but what's left for me to do? maybe it's just that human touch that's missing, y'know?👌 everything's so automated that there's not much left for me to engage with. and really, where's the challenge? when there's no challenge, it feels like there's no point. don't you think the whole point of work is to keep our brains working, or am i missing something here?😅

i get that technology is advancing and all, but it makes me wonder what we're all supposed to do. it's kind of like machinery is taking away all the interesting bits, leaving us with the boring, mundane leftovers. as a guy working his butt off, i'm just standing there like, "what am i even doing here anymore?" sometimes i catch myself staring at the computer screen, wondering if i'm becoming part of the machine too. weird, right?😳 do you ever find yourself questioning the purpose of it all when AI is taking over?

you see, there's this nagging thought in the back of my head, "am i just part of a bigger system that's designed to phase me out?" it sounds dramatic but, c'mon man, we all hear that AI's eventually gonna do everything. my motivation is running on fumes, and i'm questioning everything about work these days. is it too much to ask for a little bit of meaning in what i do every day? deep down, i miss those moments when i felt completely absorbed in my tasks. but now, that's just a memory. so, what's the deal with losing interest like this? have any of you gone through the same thing, or am i just overthinking it? any thoughts would be awesome.✌️

It's been a few months since my dear wife passed away from cancer. At 52, I find myself at a loss, struggling to navigate the labyrinth of emotions that seems endless. I've read, heard, and tried to digest that "time heals all wounds," but I'm just not feelin' it right now. Every room in our house whispers her name, and her laugh echoes in corners where sunlight rarely touches. The silence is unnerving, and the ticking clock feels more like a countdown than a comfort. Is it supposed to be this hard???

I'm stuck in this weird spot. Friends say, "Keep going, bud," like it's some pre-recorded advice they play on repeat. But how does one keep going when the road ahead is clouded in fog??? I find snippets of relief in memories, reminiscing the good ol' days, but it ain't easy to keep trudging forward. I'm tryin' to channel my grief into something productive. Working on little projects, ya know? Like fixing that squeaky cabinet she always hated. Baby steps, I guess. Positivity, right? What I crave is some assurance that this path I'm on is progressive, that eventually, I'll find solid ground. So, how to keep going??? Any hints, any tips!!! To stumble upon a ray of hope amid this haze would be a blessing. Embracing positivity isn't just about keeping a smile plastered on my face; it's about granting myself grace and acknowledging that perhaps I don't have all the answers right now, and maybe that's okay. Maybe it's okay to ask for help once in a while...

in today's day and age, establishing boundaries in a dating relationship has become quite the tightrope walk. amidst all the love and affection, it is crucial to carve out one's personal space and respect the boundaries of a partner. this is where the art of communication and negotiation skills come into play. it is no secret that digital communication, often through text messages and social media, tends to create a murky territory where intentions and emotions can be misunderstood. have you ever found yourself wondering if you're texting too much or sharing too little on social media? on one hand, there is a desire to be transparent and open with one's significant other, and on the other, maintain one's individuality and not become too enmeshed. the perfect balance, it would seem, is elusive.

balancing the demands of a relationship alongside personal autonomy becomes a delicate feat, perhaps comparable to walking a tightrope. couples often find themselves walking on thin ice when deciphering what's acceptable in their dynamic and what isn't. the tricky part is that every couple's boundaries are unique and ever-evolving. is there a "one-size-fits-all" guideline for establishing boundaries without sounding like a control freak? probably not. folks sometimes err on the side of being overly permissive or, alternately, excessively restrictive. it's a challenging scenario where neither choice seems optimal, and each pair must engage in frank discussions to devise their own boundaries. one might ponder if this incessant negotiation can wear a relationship thin, leaving partners feeling weary and disconnected if mishandled.

so, do boundaries make or break the authenticity of a relationship? it's a thought that resonates with many people out there navigating through the minefield called dating. every relationship, distinguished by its unique dynamic, defines its parameters of engagement. how often can one text their partner without coming off as clingy? when should they meet in person without imposing? these questions linger in the minds of those embroiled in a search for love or companionship. are we guilty of overanalyzing every interaction and turning relationship etiquettes into a strategic game? perhaps. however, the outcome is simple: mutual understanding and respect lie at the heart of lasting relationships. but how one goes about establishing these boundaries, free from excessive scrutiny or judgment, is the real art.

have you ever found yourself tongue-tied, unsure of what to say when engaging with someone who has Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)? 😅 growing up, we're instructed to think before we speak, yet it seems this golden rule often gets lost when conversing with individuals who experience multiple identities. this unwitting ignorance can lead to awkward moments and, at worst, can be unintentionally harmful to someone navigating DID. while initial trepidation may be understandable, there's no need to turn communication into a minefield, right? isn't it peculiar how some people approach these situations with detached curiosity or flat-out skepticism instead of genuine empathy? merely seeing a person as a curiosity or entertainment piece can perpetuate stereotypes. simple things like asking, “which one am I talking to now?” might stem from well-meaning intentions but often land as a jarring reminder of their struggles rather than a quick entrée into befriending.

dismissing their reality by suggesting, “isn’t that just your imagination running wild?” invalidates their lived experience. who really benefits from making sweeping generalizations or assumptions like suggesting therapy focuses on integrating personalities? sure, at times people think they're being helpful, but often, it's time to self-question the given biases. 🤔 consider instead rendering your ears as a vessel for cautious listening without injecting unsolicited advice. it's really not rocket science, is it? imagine how dismissive phrases like “isn’t that just a movie thing?” would echo in contexts beyond DID. what makes us go default at downplaying complexities when closing the gap of understanding could be a simple matter of awareness enhanced with empathy? scrolling online forums to eavesdrop on the collective wisdom can be enlightening, but jumping to expert status without actual knowledge? probably not the best move, huh? let’s just accept that nuances exist in everyone and steer conversations with that in our hearts. is that fair to say?

Is anyone familiar with the series ‘High Guardian Spice’? Well it was really hated by YouTube and I’m watching to make a (fan) series and if it possibly get attention. I don’t won’t it to be bad like that show. So can any writers? Directors? Idk people who know how to make good shows tell me what went wrong with that show? So I can avoid it making mine. (And tips in making a something good)

I feel like a terrible person. I talk about my emotions and feelings so loosely all the time but when I got upset by his actions and words I couldn’t help but feel terrible. As a friend im supposed to support him as much as I can but what if that’s too much? I don’t want him to hurt himself anymore. He phrased his pain as something completely normal and tried to tell me how funny it is. Instead of laughing along with his message, I leave the chat. Why am I so affected by other peoples actions and pain. I let time pass, acting normal as if my head isn’t spinning from how awful I feel that i didn’t support him. Then I spend the night at his house. We have a completely fun and normal day until the middle of the night. We are laying there in the dark when he asks about that day. That day where instead of comforting him after the things he did to himself, I just left. I am a very honest girl and he is my best friend so I tell the full truth. I tell him that in that moment I didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop hurting himself because it was hurting me. I feel such big emotions all the time but I should be helping him instead of only thinking of myself. As I tell him everything, how I cried and felt so much guilt, I hear him say something that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. “You are going to be the first friend to see me cry.” Those words echo in my mind all the time now. Since the lights were off I could see the tears falling down his face. I couldn’t help but hug him and comfort him as I try not to cry loud that he would hear me. For a while after that I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. “You made him cry because of your emotions. You are a terrible person.” Today these thoughts have lessened but they are still there in the back of my mind. Recently he told me that he wasn’t crying because he felt alone in that situation, but that he was grateful that I cared about him and upset at the fact that I was that impacted by his words. I know I am a good person, but something in me says otherwise. I am constantly reminded of that night and I can’t help the way my mind perceives the way I am as a person. I feel like a terrible person.

Some days, i wonder, why doesn't anyone love me?.. i'm 21, trying to figure out life like everyone else. but what's the deal? it's like, i see others my age, having everything handed to them both relationship-wise and life-wise, and here i am, struggling just to get a second glance. isn't love supposed to be the one thing that sets our hearts racing? i mean, i try to put myself out there, but it never seems to work out. maybe it's just bad luck or the fact that i don't clearly see what's going on. who knows, right? it feels like i'm missing out on something that's supposed to be so natural and fulfilling. i'm just over here, raising an eyebrow and questioning what it is that i'm doing so wrong.

every time i try to figure it out, i hit this wall of confusion. 😕 is it me? or do i have this unwritten sign that screams, "not worth it"? i doubt i have, but who can really say? maybe i just don't fit the mold that everyone else is looking for, and that leaves me sort of stuck. 😐 sure, i'm independent, and all that jazz, but what's it really for if there's anyone to share it with? life can be such a curious thing…i confess that i find myself comparing to those around me, seeing all the love they get while i'm left empty-handed. is it weird that i think about this so much?

so here i am, swirling in a sea of uncertainty, trying to decipher this tangled mess... can anyone relate? it’s hard not to crave that one person who makes everything feel complete. seems like everyone has their person when i don't have mine. is it just me, or is this whole "finding love" thing more of a game than anything else? i just wanna know if there's a piece i'm not seeing or a clue i'm missing. by the way, if finding love is like playing hide and seek, then i'm definitely not winning. 😩 still, i remind myself to hang in there and not lose hope. surely, somewhere out there, there's someone for me too.

ending this vent to thank whoever stayed till the end. i guess i'm here asking all these questions to maybe grasp some sense of it all. does anyone else feel like you’re the only one not getting love? i'll keep on trucking, even if the road is a bit rocky. love's supposed to be worth it, right? i just want to believe that one day, i'll finally get to experience what it's like to be loved unconditionally. until then, i'll try not to dwell too much on why no one seems to love me. thanks for reading...

i’ve been thinking about SH for a while since i last did it (a month ago). it always feels refreshing and takes my mind off of all the other problems i have in life. i want to get help but i feel like im not valid for lots of reasons. i have only cut twice and they never bled or left scars before, i am pretty young, i feel like i am part of the reason why my mental health is so bad too. i cannot handle school anymore even though i have no elective classes anymore in school. i feel like people will downplay my mental health because of how i am. i usually have all good grades and i look fine most of the time which i feel like makes it seem like i am okay. to make it worse i have a twin sister who has similar problems to me but it is more evident so she gets more attention to her problems than i do. only one of my friends and my mom realize i dont eat anything anymore. i usually just eat around 2-3 bags of the smallest hot cheeto size bags everyday and sometimes soda and some dumplings. i dont feel fat or that i want to starve myself, i genuinely just forget to eat. i also want to dress gothic so badly but im worried about what people will think and about money. i have lots of friends yet i feel so alone and that i cant talk to anyone fully about how i feel. i have only talked to someone about this 3 times before. my friend has told me she worries about me all the time because she knows i downplay when im sad and dont talk about my feelings to anyone. when im sad i typically dont show it and just be alone, when im overwhelmed or stressed i panic and start crying. i sometimes want to cut my legs or arms harder so my parents will notice and take me to a mental facility so i can get away from everything. i feel like everyday nothing matters and im starting to lose interest in the things i like. i have only been focusing on school so i wont get bored and one game and show. i stopped drawing and have been having major artblock recently. something i do all the time now is i go on gacha life 2 and make different designs of my fav characters or oc’s or write fanfics so i can focus everything onto them rather than do nothing. i genuinely want something bad to happen to me so i can get help. i stopped talking to my friends a lot and i haven’t hung out with any of them for a month. i’ve started to not feel like eating any of my safe foods which has been stressing me out because i eat most of the time because im bored and can literally not do anything else. i have only 2-3 safe foods and im starting to get bored of them. i feel so empty all the time.

My MIL is an unhappy person who always complains about everybody and everything. It is loke she is trained to dislike and see the worst in everybody. She gives nonstop advice. She gives shallow compliments. But she has health problems too and she just wants to be needed. I love her and am exhausted by her at the same time. I want to tell her that she is alienating everyone with her unhappiness. I wish I could help her see the good in people. It is a losing battle. I am so tired of her denigrating her son and her husband to me- they are good, honest, hard working, and loyal men. They are not the most affectionate or chivalrous but they are reliable and caring. And...after 15 years for me and 55 years for her...it is unlikely that we will be leaving these men anytime soon. Why can't she be happy with what she has? Why does she feel the need to bring me down with her constant complaining?

I have two grown boys. Their dad was abusive. My parents were self centered. I lived a whole life not talking about myself and now I am middle aged and find that I let everyone else tell my story. I find that the only things my kids (and most people) know about me are the things they were told by other people, and those people (I am finding) were very unreliable. There is safety in anonymity but it is also very lonely. My children don't know who I really am. Family fills in the blanks with their own assumptions because they don't understand what motivates me or inspires me. Now that I see this pattern, I am trying to fix it first by letting my children know about me and my history. It is scary- speaking up about myself. But it would be scarier to leave the earth without anybody understanding me. We all want to be seen, at least a little bit, by the people who matter to us.