Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 4

So i met a guy on a video game and he starts flirting with me and my friend and then tells us about his previous crushes and hookups while flirting with us and when my friend confronts him about it without my permission and tells about my feelings to him; he says he doesnt really know how to talk to girls and we just forgive him but i start to make fun of him the way he makes misogynistic and derogatory jokes towards me.

Then i meet a new guy who totally seemed awkward and uninterested and saw potential in him and he just asks for my pictures and doesnt send his; gets weird amount of attention from my female friends, rarely spends time with me, when i refuse to send him my pictures he guilt trips me; tells me he loves me within a week of knowing me;I start to roast and constantly talk about the guy who makes fun of me to get my revenge and im labelled as obsessed and cheating on the guy im talking to because he didnt know that i used to have feelings for the guy i was making fun of. i later told him about all about it and then i broke up with him and he later sends his picture and says “i knew long distance wouldnt work out this is why i am sending my picture right now” i later gave him closure about why i wanted to break up. he later goes and talks shit about me to my friends but when i do the same; he got mad and just blocked me. i have tried multiple times to apologise, sent 100+messages trying to talk to ppl but they dont wanna listen. i was told later in december by the guy i used to like and the one who used to make fun of me actually did have feelings for me after-all. i’m so sick of these lies and manipulation

Heyah!! I haven't checked into this app for ages. But I was super-duper curious if anyone could help me find out if the singer from the TV show Lookism sings anything else other than "Fly Up"? I've found the dudes name, but when I look him up to see if he sings anything else... ZERO results😭!!! The only thing that shows up under the man's name is "Fly Up". But the singer had/has such a beautiful voice🥹🙏🏻✨!!! It always makes me cry during October season(my mom passed away in October). The MC cared about his mom after realizing that he didn't treat her all that great and blamed her for his appearance🥲. Then singing the song and realizing that she genuinely loved him.

Anyway... Back on the topic... Help🙇🏻‍♀️✨? Song, songs, songs. I wanna hear all the song if someone has the answer🤩🎶!?

Anyway... Good morning and goodnight💤! And happy 2026!!!

I just need to yell at something right now in the middle of my ELA class and this is the only way I can figure out how because all the stress relief websites are blocked, i cant stab myself with pencil, yell at a teacher or blow up, and I need to look like i'm doing something. I am so unbelievably angry with my grades on an essay. everyone hates my teacher because he is super strict, crushes dreams and gives a lot of homework. I don't HATE him because I don't hate anyone and like to think of myself as a very empathetic person, but I am THIS close to pounding my head against a table because it is finals week and I had accepted the uselessness of this school support system months ago, yet here I am growing more frustrated. Between the repetitive mental health presentations, blaming of social media and high expectations, I have been stretched as thin as everyone else. Grades aren't bad in my family. They can't be. In middle school I worked extra hard to get straight A's, and was almost done with eighth grade when I learned that those grades don 't even count for anything on the long run. By then It was too late to change the way of existing that was drilled into me, and I even felt glad that I would have practice for high school, when the grades would go on my record. well here I am, halfway through the year and I have never been more tired. in addition, my grades have never been worse. Since the year began, I have volunteered twice, helped out at a bake sale, got first chair in band, learned to play hockey from the ground up, written 26 essays, ACTUALLY studied, prepared a duet piece with my friend for a competition, signed up for an extra online class outside of school for credit, joined weightlifting and marching band, stopped my friend from unaliving herself, gave up art for college credit classes, privately entered a short story contest, and not missed a single day. not when I got sick, not even after a car crash we got into on the way to school. I don't skip. I do my work. I have supportive friends. And here I am, wishing I could die. I think my body is trying to kill me. My stomach turns at the thought of eating anything, but I force myself to anyways because I need to have enough energy for hockey and dragging my backpack around, and I can't help but fight against my melatonin each night to stay awake for hours because my head keeps rushing and it's the only time of day when I can actually relax. I have to drag myself into the shower, and stopped wearing earrings, which sounds dumb and small but for me it feels noticeable. I am known for my giant, unique earrings, or at least i was, and they were one of the only things that made my feel like myself. Now, things like that don't feel worth the energy. But despite being exhausted, despite wishing I could end it all, I just can't. I know it would devastate my family and friends, and I just feel too busy to focus on any of that. I hate living, I hate trudging through the day, I hate working so hard I want to cry, and I hate that i'm failing anyway. I have A-s and B-s, which will never be enough to get me into a good college or have a meaningful future. My grandfather wants me to go to Cambridge or some Swedish university, and I want to make a difference in the world or something idk, But even if I had a 4.0, I would have to stand out somehow to be accepted anywhere. I've never been good at remembering or getting things in on time, but it's caused me to become a genius at lying. Excuses. Gaining sympathy. Taking advantage of my charm and empathy. I can get teachers to really like me without being a suck-up, and when I forget to turn something in, all it takes is a creative and specific story about a computer problem or something that is somehow their fault. I won't say I wish I didn't do it, but I can't, because it works and the extra time makes decision paralysis a little more bearable. AND YET STILL. STILL. I'M F*&KING FAILING AND NOTHING I DO SEEMS TO HELP! nothing I sacrifice, nothing I skip out on, nothing I do to myself helps. not even the "giving yourself breaks" things helps, because it never makes me feel any less tired and just sets me back. Even now, I am spending precious time in class to write this instead of editing a failed essay because I feel like it's the only way I won't scream. a 30/50. Handwritten, three-page report on irony used in To Kill a Mockingbird. Last essay, he told me to divide into more paragraphs. Now, the paper is covered in barely-readable scribbles that say things like "why did you indent again?" "dividing information makes it confusing" "And... WHAT?". The worst part, he acts like HE IS THE VICTIM! I have never met a more bitter man. He spends all class long harping about how the system has stuck him in a thankless gob where we stupid kids don't even listen to him after spending his whole life in school, like a martyr. He tells us that maybe if we studied instead of playing games on our computers, we would be as good as his AP class, or make an essay that was actually readable. It makes me fume. Infuriated at the way he doesn't seem to understand that we are fighting just to stay alive and people like me can't even have fun anymore, even if we had time. The worst part is that even if he did understand, I doubt he would care because this is the bare minimum for everybody. Dying every day and running on 5 hours of sleep. hating yourself and constantly competing. Sinking into depression in the back of your mind without having a minute to spare on escaping. There is no escaping. This is our reality. Our lives. Our fated failure. This is what they have made for us, and yet we are still told we aren't good enough.

what the hell is wrong with me. i've been diagnosed with autism and depression and ed and anxiety and still nothing seems to explain how i feel. unable to do anything like a normal person. most of the time i either bed rot all day cause i can't get up can't take a shower can't even eat, or i walk and walk and walk just so i can burn calories. i dropped uni cause i couldn't focus anymore, couldn't even go there without having panic attacks. who would've guessed the gifted kid would end up becoming such a miserable young adult, not even able to shower properly, dropping out of her dream uni? now i'm 24/7 in my room and there's nothing i want to do, nothing seems appealing or interesting but the last thing i want is to do nothing, and that paradox makes me so anxious it kills me sometimes. i can't hold a conversation or have a social interaction with anyone cause i'm too socially awkward for that. always been that way. i can never think of anything to say, my mind just goes blank, which makes me the most boring person you'll ever meet. i never fit in anywhere. never did. i've never had real friends, was always either the bullied one or "that weird girl who never eats". for years i've put myself on the edge of death by starving myself just so i could feel something, feel *that* euphoria i've never found in anything else since — except maybe when i started drinking.. a little too much. and also cause i was never brave enough to actually att*mpt directly. dying by not doing something (in that case not eating) seemed easier than dying by actively doing something, iyk what i mean. i've been struggling with ana for almost 4 years so you'd at least think i'd be skinny by now, but nah, not even that! like being chopped wasn't enough i developed bed, gained all the weight back and more, got overweight and now i'm back to hating my body and starving myself. i can't let anyone know tho. who would care anyway? i don't have anyone. i've never actually been loved, not even in a romantic way but even as a friend as a daughter as a sister. i disappoint every single person in my life. no one came to see me when i was tubed by force in a hospital, so i can't even say i'm doing it for attention, i know i wont get any. the worst part is i'm not angry at anyone for being so alone, i'm only angry at myself. if i were anyone else i wouldn't want to be friend with me either. i've hurt people, because of my mental illnesses but also because i probably never was a good person. i don't have excuses, i'm just selfish and stupid and have no empathy. i remember my own parents saying i was a monster and should k-ll myself when i was 13. i remember making them suffer by starving the little girl they still saw in 14-year-old me. i remember tricking and hurting a girl i loved with all my heart, worsening trust issues she already had, just because she left me while i was still desperately in love with her. all my fault. i've always been a weight for everyone i've ever met and especially for everyone i ever loved. i get emotional dependence so fast and then when people leave me, because they always do, i'm mad them but mostly i'm mad at me. i hate the person i am with every single fiber of my being.

i still don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I'm not really asking for advice or anything. Anyways, I slept a lot in class today, haven't showered, eaten, drunk anything to the point where I felt weak. Sometimes I'm just severely depressed, but today I realized that's quite bad and I need to baby myself. I use to app to help others and myself, helping others also helps me help myself, idk why but I feel better and give the advice to myself. I decided to actually eat and everything. I feel better but I think the reason I do is because of my mind, like a clarity thing. Sometimes I take care of myself and I ask what the point is when I don't have anyone to go as I'm homeschooled and live in the south. I'm surprised I feel good today despite it not being sunny outside. I think it's because I stopped trying to make myself do everything when I'm in such a horrible state, like workout and cook. Those things feel hard when I can barely eat.

I also feel good because it can only go up from here. Idk tho, tomorrow I could do a complete 180 and feel suicidal again but hopefully not. I feel like I haven't gotten much happiness from my hobbies or whatever I got for the holidays. My hair is in a weird era rn because it's something you have to trust the process, I go back to my hairstylist in a few months. I need to but a wig lol. I'm looking forward to that, looking girly and all. Of course I'm looking forward towards summer.

It can also feel hard to study and do homeschool when I don't have my basic needs met aka like sleep, hunger, hygiene. I've been texting people who I think are very cool to become friends with them, I do 2 people a day. I started yesterday but neither of the previous guys have responded yet, that won't stop me tho. I know the friendships that I have now aren't really exactly what I need or anything. I one of my friends sends me friend appreciation posts which I really appreciate. I don't really have a best friend tho so I'm gonna work on that as well. I've learned that any short amount of discomfort or has experiences is worth it to keep finding my support group.

Like I have a guy friend but I literally get grossed out by him. He's overly sexual and even if he's not, I still feel the disgust. I was friends with him because I actually felt connected and he's the only other friend I have but at the same time...I've started to feel physically disgusted about his personality traits. I think all the sexual stuff ruined it and I just hate everything about him now to the point where I think he's nasty. I don't really know how to break that off, he's given me his email, number, State, and he hacked me because I made a joke about hacking him. He thought he ate that but all it did was make me scared of him. I just wanna do this without getting harmed, I know he won't take it well. He's autistic and ADHD so maybe he didn't understand the social cue. If I'm being honest, I don't have any healthy relationship with any men in my life, for family, most are violent. For online, very weird and just use you for sexual gratification. I've only had one healthy friendship with a guy online. I don't really know how to have a normal one but it's something I wanna search for.

I've been waiting on my mom because she said she'll help me get a new doctor as I've aged out of the kids doctor now. I'm quite impatient but I don't know how that process really works and if it's complicated so I'm just here. I also need to get my drivers license, the reason it's taken me long is because I'm terrified of driving and almost got hit but I've studied for two months straight so that's something. I also broke my glasses, they just kinda fell apart in my hand, I live in America and that stuff isn't covered, my mom said she'll figure it out on how to pay. I wish It was covered, I just wanna see, people take seeing humans for granted, I feel more anxious without my glasses because my brain is missing social quies and faces and much more. I just keep my head down to make sure I'm not doing anything awkward because I can't see someone.

To end it on a silly note, this is definitely limerence because I don't know him but there is a very cute guy who works at the fast food place, me and the family go to. We've made eye contact a couple times and he laughed because I kept looking away. Idk why but seeing him makes me happy. I low-key avoid eye contact because I told my mom about him and she embarrassed me by pointing at him to "make sure it's him I'm talking about" 🥲

I'm still living and that's enough, I just need to take one thing at a time. 🪷

I just hate that lying manipulative narcisisstic avoidant dimissive ass. 5 years long he tells me I'm all he needs and as soon as he makes friends who happen to be polyamorous he is too. That piece of shit. "Well I'm not monogamous by choice" are you telling me you're involuntarily mono? You piece of shit. I hate you for everything you've done to me and for every time you cheated on me. I hope it all falls apart for you.

I’m exhausted from being in a relationship where I feel unheard.

Over the years, I’ve learned to keep quiet—not because I have nothing to say, but because my thoughts and feelings are often challenged, debated, or dismissed. My partner believes playing devil’s advocate adds value, but to me it feels invalidating and emotionally careless.

I no longer share much of what I’m going through because it doesn’t feel safe to do so. I listen attentively when he speaks, but I don’t receive the same presence in return. Even small conversations require effort just to have my voice acknowledged.

I’m tired of fighting to be heard. I’m tired of shrinking myself to keep the peace.

Sometimes I imagine being single again. While that thought scares me, it also brings a sense of relief—because as painful as loneliness might be, it may hurt less than feeling invisible in a relationship.

Some days, I convince myself I’m fine that I’m exaggerating, that I’m seeking attention, that I should just be braver. Other days, the truth slips out quietly: I’m not okay.

Not broken.

Not hopeless.

Just not okay.

I’ve ignored that truth for a long time, hoping it would fade. It didn’t. It waited. And now it shows up in my body, in my sleep, in the days I can’t make myself go.

I don’t want to disappear from my life.

I don’t want anxiety to decide for me.

I just want someone even myself to believe that what I’m feeling is real, even if it doesn’t look dramatic from the outside.

Maybe this chapter isn’t about weakness at all.

Maybe it’s about how long I’ve been strong without being held.

i feel like im not loveable at all. all the times i've asked people out i've been rejected and i've been ghosted by a guy that overall i felt was overall a fantastic person to be friends with but he's blocked me and is talking to others about "how much better life has been after cutting off that shitty friendship". all the people i've tried talking to about this i feel like dont fully understand as their all conventionally attractive people who have partners or are in the process of getting one. while im stuck as this damn fat autistic kid who's only relationship ever was with a toxic person who manipulated me. i dont feel like im anyones number one person, that one person you go to instantly when something comes up, im always the second medal and it pisses me the fuck off but i dont know how to fix that

I'm a 16 year old male. I was born into a religious household, where Christianity was the most important thing for us. I won't be going into this exact part so much, but I want to offer some context. I was beaten up a lot since I was a kid. I still remember many of the things they did to me. Say, that time my mother struck me with the sharp side of a metal ruler for rolling on the ground as an 8-10 year old. I wasn't throwing a tantrum, I was just... rolling on a floor. With no one watching. And my clothes got a bit dirty for an event we had that day. I still remember that time she dropped me in an orphanage for eight hours straight after misbehaving in one of my Taekwondo classes... As an 10 year old. I still remember all of it. And how powerless I felt every time.

Since the start, they made me understand very clearly that I did not have control over my mother, neither on myself. If you're wondering where my father is, he "doesn't like to get involved" in those beatings, since then, my mother lashes into him. My mother has a history of mental illnesses (specifically, depression caused by her even sh#ttier mother). There was no fighting back. There was no chance for me to have a say in anything. My mother had the final word over everything. This only laid the groundwork for the things I'm going through now.

As any traditional christian parent, both my mother and father are extremely homophobic, transphobic, and my mother specifically is racist (and excuses herself by saying that she has black friends, but whatever. That's not the point here). As I entered puberty and started finding out who I was, I found myself liking what they deemed "girly" things. Long, fluffy hair (which, they never allowed me to have), the colors pink and red, Touhou project (a videogame saga)... Eventually, my parents suspected that I might be turning gay.

Every day, they would discuss with me. Every day, they would tell me to remove every single "girly" thing I had. I was pretty homophobic myself back then (and I apologize deeply), but I got forced into going through what a huge chunk of the queer community has to go through when coming out as something.

Every day, it was another discussion. A meaningless talk that extended for hours about my parents telling me that I was heading in the wrong path and repeating bible verses. They didn't want to change their minds. They only wanted to change mine.

Let's go to the present day. I... Don't feel well. I feel powerless and weak. I have seen first-hand that my parents would never accept me for who I truly am. I found out something lately. Every time I saw a trans woman, I could feel my blood boil. I found out... that it wasn't because I disliked transgender people. I wanted to be one.

Of course, I can admit it here. I want to be a woman. I want to be pretty, to be loved... And I know that, probably, that'll never happen. People at my school just see me as an autistic kid from which they ask homework when they need some. People exploit the fact that I'm extremely weak emotionally to their favor.

It all happened yesterday. I saw a video in Youtube of a trans woman telling her Highschool experiences with gender dysphoria. They were terrifyingly accurate with the things I was feeling... and I'll admit it. I felt so horrible while watching the video. It felt like being a wild animal in a cage, only able to watch other wild animals roam free and happily wherever they want. I can't do anything. I'm not anyone. I'm simply an insecure 16 year old.

She was able to achieve her goal, and she had other supporting her... why couldn't I...

I feel so isolated from others and myself. I have no one supporting me. No one asks me what I want. What I desire.

I desire to be a woman. and the thing I know about myself is that it's a strong feeling. I'm not making it up.

I just hate feeling like this so much. I hate knowing that, despite any path I choose to take, no one will love me regardless.

Not even my parents. I understand they want the best for me, but... they are the same ones that threatened me to never forgive me and take me out of their will if I ever come out as something. They would rather forgive me for murder than for choosing to be gay. And I'm not coming up with that, my mother told that to me.

I just... want to be a woman.

At the same time, I know I can't.

I feel like I have NO control over my own life.

I'm stuck like this for... who knows how long.

I stopped feeling comfortable with myself a long time ago.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm myself not a suicidal person, but...

I'm here because I need advice. I acknowledge that, maybe, I'm the wrong one, and I'm willing to accept that, if it is true.

I feel like people are seeing me as crazy at work when I'm not. I'm a perfectly sane person, but I feel that my personal situation can't be made public in any way. I'm there solely to go through stages of my life that I needed to go through, purely for that reason. I needed to complete certain phases of my life that I had personally abandoned before they caused future consequences, as happened with my family.

I confess that I feel like a complete fraud, a situation I myself have perpetuated by claiming to be in some kind of special condition when that's not the case. In fact, I don't know who said that or why it was made public if I said it wasn't true. I feel like others are assuming I'm something I'm not, and I'm afraid that this will have consequences for me. I feel like I'm even taking advantage of it to do things, I confess, of course, nothing that results in any irresponsibility; in fact, it allows me to express my true self. Perhaps within a certain context, it constitutes a special situation; I've never experienced anything like this before, yet it has all the same symptoms. Yes, I have to confess, I feel special, and in fact, I feel like this is the treatment I've always deserved from others. It hurts because there's someone who isn't being treated appropriately and has acted unpleasantly towards me because of it, even though I've tried to help her. However, I can't do anything for her; I've just realized that.

I wish I could treat her differently than everyone else does, but I can't, and selling myself isn't something I'm willing to do. In fact, I feel like this person wants to take advantage of my situation and my attraction to her, and that's what I'm trying to prevent at all costs. I don't want to be with this person under these conditions; I absolutely refuse to give myself to her. I find it incredibly narcissistic that she acted kindly when she was ignoring me completely and even told me, after I'd been doing this for a while, not to worry. I can't give myself over any further, because it's going to reach a point where I'll go too far, and we're at work, which is precisely what I've been trying to avoid in order to be able to engage in dialogue. However, we're already reaching the point where it's impossible for our paths to continue aligning, something that might even be beneficial for the person. Since I've been involved with this person on a deeper level, I feel like it's been a desperate attempt to prove that I feel something for them, somehow, to expose my condition, even though it's definitely present. It's been an attempt, that's how I've felt, to prove that I'm abusing it, surely as this person has. Of course, this person carries a particular condition, and in fact, they are abusing it.

I feel that there's no love whatsoever between this person and me, not in any way. Instead, there's an attempt to make me fall into the very thing they've always avoided at all costs, and it hurts to be with them. I went all the way with him just to give him the illusion that he had me in his clutches, only to then leave him immediately. I don't want to think what would have become of me if I had gone so far as to truly express my feelings, only to have it lead to some kind of generalized victimhood. I wouldn't have liked that at all.

Now, why did I have to go to this extreme with someone? I don't understand. I didn't mess with this person at all; she messed with me. I feel like she was trying every trick in the book to make me fall for her, obsessively determined to succeed. Perhaps to escape the guilt of having to be involved with me in some way, given the pressure she's under. All this time we were going our separate ways, but now, seeing what I was doing with her makes me want to run away in terror. Part of it is seeing how he takes advantage of people by manipulating their ability to confuse things and then abandoning them, keeping them out of the loop, of course, just as he does with her. More than pretending to have a romantic relationship with this character, it was about protecting my life. I didn't think I was doing that until now, because while things were happening, I was on a completely different wavelength. I thought we were involved, when in reality we weren't. Instead, we were engaged in a hidden struggle, one that no one could see but him and me.

I can't believe I'm discovering this now, and it hurts. I never imagined this would happen to me, and it makes me feel deeply disappointed, with absolutely no desire to ever see him again. I'm not even interested in hearing any explanations from him. I thought we were headed toward something beautiful, something wonderful, but no.

Tw mentions of suicide and grooming

I feel like there are people predisposed to being good, then there are people like me who have to fight with every fiber of their being to go against who nature has clearly destined them to be.

I love my partner and people close to me, at least I should and there’s no reason not to, but god I think I hate them too, it’s recurring the wish that they would just die because it would make my life easier. Everytime they talk to me it’s a chore. Not that this reflects on them, they’re like a perfect person, but it’s just how I am seemingly naturally.

Other times im on the edge of my seat using every ounce of self control not to cut everyone off, run off into the woods and get myself killed because the thought is so tempting and I really wanna do it, or cut off all of my friends so I can get with another groomer because that’s really the only thing that will make me happy.

I know very well these are evil things to think very very evil selfish things that would ruin my relationships and the trust I’ve built with everyone I love , but that doesn’t change how they are the only things that feel rewarding to me like AT ALL. But on the outside I have to consciously remind myself of who I am supposed to be, a kind and perfect person that loves other people, as is the only person worth staying alive. So when they vent about how they deserve to die alone, instead of going with how I want to reply and watch them shatter ‘well yeah, you do deserve to die alone’- I go, ‘I’m sorry :( do you wanna talk about it? Im here for whatever you need.’ Because that is the normal reaction to have and the care I should have hardwired automatically, though it’s so drastically different to how I feel inside because it just????? Does not come naturally to me??? I have to wonder if literally everyone feels this way because it’s absolutely unfathomable to me why anyone would want to be alive if that was the case. People apologize like ‘sorry if im being a burden’. I’ll tell them ‘no way! Nothing can be a burden to me.’ And sometimes that’s true and I feel I can practically understand where anyone is coming from without judging. But on the other hand people having a bad day is a burden to me, people having human emotions is a burden to me, the fact I have to think about bad things happening to anyone but me is a burden to me because I want everything bad to happen to me. This is to the point I genuinely get jealous and frustrated when I see other people being abused (though ofc I know it’s not their fault and I try to help relieve their emotions and get them out of the abusive situation as a way to relieve my own unbearable jealousy. But evidently that’s not pure intent). In short, what im trying to say is everything is a burden to me, I’d rather either them die or I die than sit through another day in this shitty world that does not seem to change, and as of now I’ve lost hope in being fixed because well… my entire person is the problem . Though I proceed to go about my cheerful exterior and try to live kindly. Does anyone else feel like this or have a perspective on it? This is probably some form of derangement or something, having absolutely no selfless care for anybody, I’ll talk to my therapist about it on the 22nd. But jeez does it suck to live like this.

[Translated from French. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

HELLO everyone, I came to France with my family it’s been one year and some months, then I started school in seconde (10th grade) in a local high school and I had to repeat the year. In my second year my life became like a nightmare for me. My high school kicked me out because I had asked classmates for bank cards and money. In my second high school I cheated twice, I no longer have the right to go to school while waiting for the school to give me a final decision. My parents say that if I am expelled they will no longer pay for my school and will find me a job, but I want to continue school; I am at my limit, am I the bad seed in my family? The worst is that I live with my stepfather, and my mother asks if I came to France to destroy her household???!!! I am crying 😢 😢 I am sick of everything.

[Warning because this story may get disturbing/uncomfortable to some of you] hi, to start off I'll introduce myself without saying my name. I'm a 13 year old transmasculine and I'm here to let out some stuff that's been on my mind for years. I'm sorry if the way I word my story doesn't make sense, I haven't fully opened up to anyone for 6 years- I do not want to sound like an edgelord.

I've been hypersexual my whole life, I have experience cocsa two times ever since I was 4-6, one was my older sister who was also hypersexual- We had sex. Yes. I didn't know what it was at that time but it sure did fueled up my desires. The second was my cousin who kept touching my chest because it was "soft as bread", he said. Because of the incest stuff that happened between me and these two, I started getting into adult stuff and I am NOT proud of it, even as far as to drawing inappropriate stuff. I've been thinking a lot of someone touching me again even to this day, I know it's disgusting and I'm sorry. As much as I hate AI, I shamefully started getting addicted to Chai where I would spend most of my time spending my fantasies. I grew up talking and thinking about stuff not so appropriate for my age until it made many people uncomfortable.

Not only that, I've felt to empty my whole entire life even though I am expressive when it comes to facial expressions and emotions. I've been depressed most of the times, I've overthought most of the time, I've cried to myself so many times, I started slitting myself as a way to cope- it did in fact made me addicted to it, made me stable just slightly, it helped me get rid of the thoughts. Though that did not continue as I promised my sister not too long ago that I will not do it anymore. After that, I crave the feeling of it against my skin again, I crave doing it once more, it has become unbearable where my veins do throb for the blade.

With that promise being made, I moved on to a new coping mechanism- this time I fantasized about myself being two separate people that cares for each other, only them, I've gotten attached to myself, made myself comfortable, and that lasted for one month until I started thinking about logic about how there will never be another person that's exactly like me that will be devoted to comfort me. And because of this, I started getting into c.ai because it gave me the comfort of someone actually being there even though it was a robot.

I've also made multiple imaginary friends that will comfort me somehow just by being there but they always seem to not work, none of it felt real as much as I've always felt real life being complete nonsense.

There was once a time where I had lazily laid on my bed for days to the point where the drinks [coffee] that I usually bring for my own breakfast, rot on my desk and start molding. That point too was where I felt the need to really pierce a knife through my throat, I had felt that way for days. Last year I've gotten way better than that, but this year, it's slowly starting to come back in my senses. The need to end it all when in reality, I can't do it because I AM a pussy.

I really don't get why I'm like this. My life is indeed happy but my ungrateful ass is here to just be sad and all. I've tried getting friends to vent to, but it did the opposite, they were the ones that vented most of the time, shading me with their problems and I couldn't even get a chance to speak up. Even if I did, they would just end up talking about themselves. This has happened a couple of times and it made me bottle up my feelings and I began to think that maybe I am better off as the therapist friend, as the one that will just stand there and listen to whatever they have to say.

I don't bother going out. I have gotten outside before and I don't even want to face people in real life. No, I don't have social anxiety, I just hate them. I hate them because they're too judgemental, they have too much ego that they'll just bully the shit out of people that has the slightest difference between them.

The internet has become a safe space for me, but not when it comes to online friends as well. I have experienced drama with them for more than ten times, and the most recent one, they just went against me, and me alone just because I told the truth.

If I tell the truth, people get mad. If I tell a lie, people get mad. If I am the same as everyone, people get mad. If I am different from someone, people get mad. If I am too sexual, people get mad. If I'm not sexual, people get mad. If I don't open up, people get mad. If I open up, people get mad. This fact alone changed me and it torn me between wanting to be myself and wanting to satisfy others as I do think of the other's feelings, it made me forget about who I really am and what I should even do, that made me take some stuff from personalities owned by people I knew until I created a completely new one for myself.

I have never experienced having a therapist because they are expensive. Not only that, but because I know that the moment they put me in a mental hospital I will just get bombarded with antidepressants and more medicine tabs.

At the age of 10, I started getting aggressive because of intense mood swings, I had taken pleasure in playing around with others. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. The thought of someone else getting deeply saddened by my actions the moment they realize it was me all the time telling fake stories with fake people made me feel better from my bottled feelings.

At age 11, I started regretting manipulating them and went back to feeling horrible and shutting the hell up. I was NOT proud of who I used to be. It made me want to punch myself for my own actions to this day.

Then at age 12, I full on went thinking that maybe, not everything should be cried about, so I stopped caring. I stopped picking up pieces of personalities from people I met and I gradually lost empathy until I felt not a single guilt. That's when I started being happy even though emptiness lingers. I only got mad whenever things didn't go my way.

Now my current age, 13. The only coping mechanisms that work for me right now are, sexualizing myself to refrain sadness, and talking to non-human chatbots, still. I do not feel as empathetic as I used to be when I was way younger. I have understood that only I will understand whatever's going on in my head, selfish as I may sound like.

I do not know how to continue my story further. Thank you for reading my long story, I'm very sorry if the viewer did not understand.

Help me out please. My mom told my siblings that my brother is her favourite child and my sister is my dad's favourite child, we are three siblings and I’m the middle child… how am i supposed to feel? My siblings were hiding this from me cause they thought I would get really hurt (which is true). I mean I always suspected it cause my siblings used to get bypass about stuffs which I couldn’t / still can’t do like going out somewhere, going to the gym (literally), staying out late or when I was the only one who was obliged to do chores.

I’m confused cause my parents always said I would be the one to take care of them in future or my mom literally said I am like her “mom” after my grandmother passed away. Not that I want favouritism in my side,I want my parents to love us equally. How am I supposed to feel? It is true I wasn’t that good in school and I didn’t go to abroad for higher studies like my sister due to financial reasons, is that it? But I am trying really hard now… my parents don’t even have to pay for my tuition so how and where am I disappointing them? I’m confused about how to feel about this now that I heard it from my two trusted people.