Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 4

Why? Why is this happening to me? I really don't get it. One year ago I would have been what people called a beautiful girl. Long hair, drenched in soft makeup, and tight clothes. So why did I cut my hair so short so suddenly? Why did I start to feel uncomfortable showing off my curves? Why do I get a void every time someone calls me with feminine pronouns?

I had a dream a week ago. Where I viewed myself as a boy. Is my brain accepting this too? Or maybe it's something deeper, that I refuse to acknowledge. To embrace.

Letting go of your old self hurts, but it's even more painful starting to love a new version of you.

Hello to whoever is reading, I hope you have a good day<3

So I’m in my final year of highschool before going to university and I haven’t been able to cope with exam stress or application stress well. Everytime I make an application I honestly need hours after just to calm my chest down since it starts feeling heavy again. I have tried to regain safety and have a routine that works keeping me calmer but honestly this throws off all that progress.

I don’t want to take pressure anymore like I genuinely feel like I want to stop trying and I don’t want to be achieving anything. I want an average university with lowkey academic pressure and peace. I found one far away from home which fits my needs but my parents won’t let me go that far. In fact they think I’m running away and taking the easier way out when I should be facing it since the world is a difficult place. While I agree I really need to be happy to commit. If I’m not I will deteriorate my mental health further and it’s already really bad. I don’t know how to manage it. It creeps up before exams genuinely in a way I can’t prepare properly. It remains in my chest and will not go away no matter how hard I try. It keeps coming back. It will show up in tinier things like my friend not responding to my messages or future issues I really don’t have to deal with at the moment. I barely made one application and deadlines are coming up I need to focus which I’m not able to do. It’s getting scarier and I cry everyday feeling like there’s no way I can get out of this when I can but at the time it feels like there is nothing else for me I truly loathe this feeling. It feels like the end everytime and I’m sick of venting to everyone with no way of receiving actual help. No one knows how to help. My parents try but they think I’m weak for even feeling this and I should just get over the drama.

i cant even think straight because I’ve been crying for hours and I think I should just be gone from this world. Something crazy is going on with me and my friends and i cant even focus on anything but that, and I was supposed to go to a sleepover with my friends last minute because i need someone to talk to but when i went to ask my mom and my dad they both agreed that it was a bad decision to let me talk to my friends. I said I had no one to talk to and my mom literally said that i could talk to but she’s literally like 50 years old so how could she understand? i could never talk to her because she’s my mom and all the people i know that have tried to off themselves have gone to a mental asylum and came back so different i was scared. I cant talk to my friends anymore also because my downtime is on and i cant communicate with anyone except for my parents and im so completely exhausted with myself and im so utterly alone that i just think im done. I’ve never cried more than right now and i cant even see straight thats how blurry my vision is right now help me i have no one to talk to

I'm really struggling with my mental health at the moment and with my man's funeral in the next 2 weeks I'm feeling so low numb and depressed. on so many actions lately I've wanted to SH bit I haven't but I can see it happening at some point.

Grade 6

Okay, so, lowkey this grade flew by FAST. Although, it didn’t feel like that at the time. I think around this time a lot of people were getting into social media and phones, so there was always the exclusion with that. Me and my friend had a gizmo watch (pls tell me you know what that is), and my other friends all had phones or an iPad. I was really close to this one girl in my friend group because she was VERY confident and overall I just wanted to be like her. I think I started following her around like a lost puppy because when I later talked to my friends about it now that that girl has moved schools, they said I was like her puppet. I needed someone to rely on and was going through a lot mentally, so this was a way for me to relax, and I mostly relied on her to keep myself socially active and actually having an identity. I will say, I think around the end of 6th grade was when I was introduced to the chaotic world of mental health issues, but I had been a part of it for a while without noticing, I think. Anyway, This girl that I was friends with kept taking on these very unique labels, I think that was for attention, and I’ve recently reconnected with her she has said the same. She was labeling herself as many different sexualities that almost changed every month almost, and labeled herself as a therian and then all of a sudden, the rest of the friend group followed along (me second because I was so desperate for her approval). I now know my TRUE personality, and identity. While at the time I was identifying as bisexual FOR THIS GIRL, I lowkey found out I actually was, because me and my friend watched the movie “The fallout” with Maddie Ziegler and Jenna Ortega, and I think I thought they were REALLY HOT in that movie for probably 3 years now. Anyway, The therian thing got out of hand, and my parents kept questioning if this was actually true or if it was about the girl (obviously I lied). I ended up getting in A LOT of arguments with my friends (forget what they are abt but I’ll probs remember later), and she always sided with me. Sometimes, the fight would be me against her and the rest of the friend group, and she’d say that she sided with me cause she felt bad. That’s when I felt most alone. I missed at least 20 days of school that year, all of them faking sick or actually sick, most of the time because I was too scared to go to school for the smallest reasons, like choosing partners in a class that I had no friends with. It was so bad in 6th grade. Oh my god, I will NEVER choose to go back there AGAIN. Anyway, that’s it for 6th grade. There’s too much to talk about that, so I’m ending this one here. Will make a 7th grade one soon. Pls feel free to share your opinion (although not in need of advice lol just venting for now).

Here is the Google Doc for the whisper. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HD_6uIuAvSYwy_zKGEj7rWaRgJnT5bxgMv-pJcE-Qsw/edit?tab=t.0

Anyways, longer version.

what if I gain a lot of weight in only a few months, because many people say at this age, you change weight drastically. What if I go from 45 to 60kg in only a few months, while I still stay 5'4"? I'd look chubbier since I'm not very tall. What if from February to 25th April, I can't fit in a tank top I probably bought somewhere during April itself for Joseph? Or my jeans won't fit? One cosplayer said she took 3 months to make an outfit, and when she wore it on 5th month to an event, she couldn't fit and she had to re-sew the thing and she felt bad because she got late. What if I go from my perfect beanstalk self to looking like a middle aged at only 14, because my fat got fatter? No woman likes being old, they all say that in their memoirs because they're fat, they got menopause, and they're weaker! How come my mom seems so chill at 44, she literally grows tiny but dark chin hairs which I have to pluck! I'll gain 20kg in only 2 months! They said drastic change, so it's drastic! I may eat the same, but if I eat slightly more, I'll get fat. Puberty hits people hard, and trust me, I've heard some women say they go from skinny to very curvy somehow. I don't wanna get fat, especially if the tank-top I'll buy or jeans I already own are stretchy or fit me just fine, and if they don't I'll feel bad because I'm buying extra when the wig and boots would be the most expensive parts already. Plus, imagine I go from S to L sized from the same food I eat, maybe I should stop snacking or eating so fast. 2 months can do stuff, maybe! What if I balloon from my already normal 45kg, which I don't feel bad about because that weight as of now is fine for me. What if I suddenly get hungrier in one month and start eating more, until I store fat instead of whatever other important nutrients? My dad may say if I eat a lot and fast it's good because my body needs to grow, but I don't care, the older you get, the slower metabolism is, so I'll end up 60kg in 2.5 months only. 2 months may be too early. What if I can't even fit the dress anymore, with my own clothes. I haven't fluctuated too much now, but what if I get some random hormonal issue that causes me to gain weight faster at 14?? My mom already grows small darker chin hairs because she's 44, and maybe she has PCOS, even when she tells me no like I asked something weird. She could be lying. Plus, what if my makeup looks bad on my face? I've seen kid cosplayers not even be able to put that because their parents didn't allow, and when they grew up with makeup they mock their younger selves for it. My mom may buy me eyeliner for the face lines and maybe an eyebrow brush to thicken my brows to resemble Joseph, but on one hand I'm cosplaying a guy as a girl, I may look ugly and too angry because of the eyebrows being too weird, the face lines may look ugly even if I concealed my face with the usual stuff, I don't have contact lenses so what if I look weird with my dark brown eyes, and I have braces so it's even worse and what if the wig also looks weird when I style it with hairspray and comb and how do I maintain it? I'm gonna regret going when I'm gonna become 25, I know it! At 25, you HATE when you were a kid, even if you had fun, because fun doesn't cover up bad embarrassment.

I keep having this same dream, and I wake up every time with the same quiet shock. I’m a woman, married, raising a family, doing the normal life stuff. In the dream, my husband is leaving us. Not in a dramatic way. No shouting, no slammed doors. He’s calm. Almost gentle. He tells me it’s time, like he’s explaining a schedule change. The house looks exactly right. The kids are there, but distant, like background noise. Everything feels precise, realistic, painfully detailed. I can feel the air in the room. I can hear my own breathing. When I wake up, my body still believes it. My chest is tight. My hands are cold. It’s embarrassing how long it takes to shake it off. The dream doesn’t feel symbolic. It feels literal. As if my brain is rehearsing a future I didn’t agree to. People love to say, “Dreams are just dreams,” and sure, that’s comforting in theory. But when they feel this real, it’s hard not to question that line. It reminds me of that quote, “The mind makes it real,” and yeah, that hits a little too close. I’m polite with myself about it. I don’t panic. I just note the pattern and move on. Still, I wonder why my subconscious is so committed to this storyline...

What’s strange is that my waking life is steady. My husband is present, kind, involved. There’s no obvious threat, no secret tension. That’s why I try to stay detached and analytical about the dreams. Repetition usually means unresolved fear, according to the experts. Fear of loss. Fear of abandonment. Classic stuff. Fine. I accept the diagnosis without dramatizing it. I don’t accuse reality of crimes it hasn’t committed. The dreams are respectful, almost courteous, which somehow makes them worse. There’s no villain to blame. Just inevitability. And yet, every morning, I wake up and nothing has changed. The family is intact. The day continues. That part gives me hope. It’s proof that imagined endings don’t automatically become real ones. I treat the dreams like mental noise, like my brain running stress tests while I sleep. Annoying, but not authoritative. I remind myself of another quote I once read: “Thoughts are not facts.” That line does a lot of heavy lifting for me. I stay positive on purpose. I choose to believe stability deserves more credit than fear. Still, I’m curious, and I’ll ask politely: why do dreams borrow reality so convincingly? Why do they feel more intense than the life we actually live? And have you ever woken up mourning something that never happened, only to feel quietly grateful when you realized it wasn’t real?

I love lying to myself.

“It’s for me, so I can be happier!”

It’s for him, because I didn’t want it to become toxic.

“I’m not mad!”

I’m pissed, but with myself.

“It’s ok. I don’t care anymore. they’re all in my past!”

My hands are shaking.

It wasn’t you.

It was me.

It was all me.

I’m right here.

Can’t you see I’m waiting?

I took too long.

I ventured to far.

While you were waiting.

So does that make me the monster?

Does that mean I’m in the wrong?

I was the problem, hiding all along.

M y h a n d s a r e s h a k i n g .

If I could take us back, if I could just do that

And write in every empty space the words “I love you” in replace

Then maybe time would not erase me

If you could only know I never let you go

And the words I most regret

Are the ones I never meant to leave

Unsaid Emily

(Clive)

You know exactly who you are. and who I am.

Sapphire is confused. Cartter’s just himself, but honestly worse. Bax is indifferent, they never had any particular affection for anyone they knew. Mushroom has no idea what’s happened. I’m generally indifferent, you never were anything to me. Allen locked front, he doesn’t want to deal with us anymore, but I managed to get him to let me out for a bit. Aether just doesn’t care, he was tired of everyone calling him “unc” anyway. We gained a new one, Carlos, who thinks Allen could’ve handled it better.

(Sapphire)

Clive’s right, I am kinda confused, I don’t know why Allen did this. I just hope… nevermind. Allen wouldn’t want me to say that, and neither would they, I suppose… Cartter would say something, but he’s a little angry with Allen, and trying to hide that anger. What me and Clive are trying to say is don’t be mad at ALL of us, please. This was all Allen’s decision. But… he is happy with his new friends, and glad to see that you guys seem… generally still happy without him, at least on the outside. He read all your posts, and he’s… understandably shaken (I am choosing my words SO CAREFULLY here and still failing at keeping my head cool). His exact words were, “Nothing like going through your ex’s vent posts about you… I feel like an asshole. Probably cause I am, but… y’know.”

this poem will be about my struggles with adhd

I hope you enjoy and pls lmk what you think

My mind is a house with every light on,

but the wiring is wrong.

Current jumps the walls.

The air buzzes even when I’m still.

Thoughts move like fireworks down the hallway—

no order,

no warning,

just flashes and echoes and aftermath.

I reach for one

and three more grab my sleeve,

each convinced it’s urgent,

each forgetting why it came.

Some days the noise grows too large for the rooms.

It presses outward,

paces the floorboards,

rattles the windows from the inside.

My body learns the exits first—

a flick of the hand,

a sharp blink,

a sudden shudder like static shaking free.

Small movements.

Necessary ones.

The storm grounding itself

so the house doesn’t split apart.

I don’t choose the spill.

It comes when the walls start breathing,

when thought piles on thought

until there’s no oxygen left.

My body reacts before I can ask it to—

a sharp jolt,

a break in the rhythm,

like something clawing its way out

because staying inside would be worse.

It isn’t release so much as survival.

Energy tearing a seam in the dark,

lightning striking downward

so it doesn’t turn inward.

I let it happen

because holding it all

feels like suffocating quietly.

Time behaves strangely here.

It leaks through my fingers,

slips under doors,

vanishes the moment I look directly at it.

Clocks stare like witnesses.

I apologise to them anyway.

Memory is a hallway with missing doors—

names hovering just out of reach,

sentences dissolving halfway spoken.

I step over the gaps,

pretend I meant to forget,

pretend it doesn’t follow me.

Some days my head is a carnival after dark—

lights too bright,

rides spinning too fast,

music overlapping until it sharpens.

I want to leave.

I want quiet.

But the ticket never tears

and the gates stay open.

Then comes the other kind of heavy.

Not loud—

dull.

A dimming after the surge.

Rooms go dark one by one.

Ideas slump in their chairs,

still breathing

but too tired to stand.

This is the exhaustion that doesn’t ask permission.

The kind rest doesn’t solve.

Bone-deep.

Sticky.

Like gravity turning personal.

My body stays still

while my mind keeps running,

burning energy it no longer has.

I stare at things I love

and feel only the weight of them.

Even stillness hums.

Even silence costs something.

And yet—

I find colours hiding in ordinary days.

Stories stitched between unrelated things.

Patterns where chaos pretends to be random.

My mind builds bridges instinctively,

even when I don’t know where they lead.

Ideas love me recklessly.

They arrive in crowds,

talk over one another,

leave without warning—

but for a moment

they make me feel infinite.

When focus finds me,

it grabs hard.

The world blurs.

Hours collapse into a single breath.

I forget to eat,

forget to move,

forget everything except the fire

and the way it finally listens.

I change my mind often

because every idea feels true

until the next one opens its mouth.

I am loyal to the moment,

not the map.

Some days I am exhaustion wrapped in motion.

Some days I am brilliance scattered across the floor.

Most days

I am both at once.

I am not broken.

I am not unfinished.

I am living inside a system turned up too loud—

one that shakes,

that spills,

that wears me thin,

but also sees more than it destroys.

This is what it’s like

to carry lightning in your pockets—

to learn when to release it,

when to rest,

and when to let it burn bright enough

to become light

I need to vent, because I'll figure it out i always do. Im not looking for sympathy, maybe any advice.

Reference i have been falling behind on bills for months now, all because of a strike that directly effected my job it also took me 8 months to get a job with how competitive it is right now.

I am sick of living in poverty.

Ei told me I didn't qualify because I was 200 hours short. (During a temporary lay off)

Government assistance told me I didn't qualify because I have that 22,000 in an investment account.

Bank told I cant take that money out unless its life or death (its a NON-REDEEMABLE gci account), so i applied for an overdraft 0% interest, BUT thats not even guaranteed.

I refuse to barrow more money because I know how annoying it is to constantly be asked for money, and a payday loan charges 14$ per ever $100 you borrow and Im in that limbo of not qualifying for it either way because I only need $600.

OH and on top of the whole bank situation I had to pay a debt that I was disputing to even qualify! The debt was because of a monopolize internet provider double charging me and going against the contract I sighed. On top of all that my car needs $5000+ worth of work done and I cant sell it because my job requires me to have a car for transporting equipment.

I have been struggling to get a side gig to earn extra cash but I need this money by Friday. Thankfully my landlord has been great to me but I feel like me telling him that I cant pay it like I used to do is getting much.

I know in March it will be better, because I only made 7000$ last year and had 6000$ in uninsured medical bills, I do get money back but this is now and I was doing so good at budgeting but it feels like the world cant let me ever get ahead.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Translated from Tagalog. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Fuck, I don’t want this anymore, I’m so fucking tired. I’m already super stressed and exhausted with everything that’s happening here at home and at school. I’m so pressured and all because of my entrance exams that are getting closer, and I’m always reviewing, always hungry, always with nothing to eat—fuck—because my parents have no idea how to handle their money, especially my dad. And he even got hospitalized. Fuck, I know that’s not his fault, but fuck—he said he was going to resign from his company because the workplace is already so toxic and he’s always stressed and overworked there, but he still stayed.

He ghosted me and my family here for almost one month already. We don’t have anything left to pay the bills and loans, fuck that shit. It’s always just debts after debts, and then it turns out he can’t even pay them. He acts like he’s rich, with all these debts he has to pay, and then he makes promises to me like it’s cool—but it’s not. It hurts so much because every promise you made to me—on my birthday, I didn’t even receive a single “happy birthday” from you. Fucking hell.

Are you that ashamed of me already? You should be, fuck, but why would you even ghost us?? What you did was wrong. You should’ve just apologized instead of not talking to us, especially to me. Fuck. And now what? Always hungry. They keep saying I need to understand the situation—fuck??? Am I always the one who has to understand?? Haven’t you learned your lessons from before, when it’s always debts, enjoy now then starve later??? Fuck, it’s always like this.

Good thing I’m still studying hard. I even graduated with high honors. I’m the one searching for whatever universities and scholarships I can apply to. I already pity myself. I’m sick too, you know. There’s not even a cure yet, fuck. You might as well just kill me, fuck. When are you going to change? When will you all learn your fucking lessons? It’s always like this, always, fucking hell.

And now you’re saying you’re tired? Yeah, people get tired—but I’ve been tired of you for a long time already. Did I complain? Did I scream at you? Did I say awful words to you? No. But you? You did all of that to me just because you were tired, fucking hell. Then you shouldn’t have had children in the first place if you couldn’t even support us. Fuck. And then you make us experience and feel what poverty is like. You already went through hardship yourselves—why repeat it again? And then it’s like it’s our fault that we’re alive?? Fuck.

I’ve been tired for so long already. That’s why I ended up having a severe illness with no cure, hahaha. I was so depressed, but you didn’t even know that. I’m so fucking tired. I’m hungry. I want to rest. I’m dizzy. I was supposed to review for my exams tomorrow, and I ended up writing this fucking vent because you were screaming at me without knowing that that was literally my last straw. I’m tired, sleep-deprived, can’t eat properly, hungry. And then you still scream at me and say horrible things?? Fuck.

Anxiety is why we're alive. We survived mammoths, saber-tooth tigers, big lizards probably, deadly insects, and all that. It's why I'm not drowning in the ocean, just swimming in the pool, which I quit as well because I didn't enjoy swimming as a sport. It's why no shark has eaten me thinking I'm a fish. Yes I know why they accidentally eat humans sometimes, they think we're food, they're kinda dumb at times, not evil. Dolphins, though... Still, my grandpa's family only got lucky, being fishermen and all. How did my grandpa even live near the shores of Kerala, fishing and living in a hut before he grew up to be a doctor in Mangalore with a big house? Dad said the tides of the Arabian Sea are deadly, so how did grandpa live? How did my older cousin casually swim on the shore, when the tides looked huge? The ocean isn't safe. How am I even alive? On one hand, I was born with a cleft palate, because LiFe DeCiDeD BeCaUsE I wAs A gIrL (apparently it's more common in girls with isolated cleft palates), yet I got it fixed and I didn't require a speech therapist, I got eczema at 3 and newfound cat and dust allergies at 12, yet I didn't die. I ate salmon and all sorts of fish, except for the very niche ones (shark, stingray, all that), yet I didn't get any swollen throat stuff or anaphylactic reactions. Maybe I'll get a lobster allergy as a new one because my mom has one where her throat gets super itchy if she eats a lot, otherwise, no anaphylaxis.

I can confidently say that about my brother, bro got the very early stages of pneumonia, he got hospitalized with an IV drip for 2 days. Even before that, he'd had to use the nebulizer so many times during winter especially. He's fine now, and he rarely uses it at 11.5, but me? Nah, my body decided, "Let's give you more allergies!" I love cats, but I have to force myself to enjoy the marine life only because of allergies. My grandma's asthma lasted until she's 65 now, and NOW she can only walk with cats. Back then, even when I was a baby, nah. This is it, I'll end up like my grandma and ancestors. My great-granny even had eczema. I can't even pet cats now! I can't bury my face in it and be like normal people, I'd have to wear a mask and woolen gloves. I went to a park and a cat got so comfortable with me, it went on my lap and lied down, and when I wanted to move, it didn't scratch or bite me, he just jumped off, eyes still sleepy. I rubbed his face, and then I started sneezing and my eyes got red. My mom got me bubble tea later on in the park, it was good, but still, I can't be normal. I'd have to move towards fish because well, they can't produce Fel d 1, they just look at you like you're their food god. Still, they don't love me, they just exist and move in schools. And I obviously can't own a dolphin because I hate them and whales are...bruh. They're loving, but they're HUMONGOUS.

I've LOOKED at cats far too long, but it's fine. Most hate humans anyways. Dogs to me are kinda scary. How do people even have cats with allergies? Heck, Mayo Clinic says this, "If you don't have a pet but are considering adopting or buying one, make sure you don't have pet allergies before making the commitment." WebMD says, "If you or a family member has cat allergies, you shouldn't have a cat in the home...Protect yourself. When around cats, wear a mask with an N95 respirator, and wash your hands with soap and water if you touch them (where am I even gonna get that?)..." And then they say this, "Cat allergy symptoms happen due to proteins in a cat's saliva, urine, and dander, affecting around 10% of people in the U.S. Even if you're not allergic to cats, they can bring in other allergens from outside. While some breeds are "hypoallergenic," any cat has the potential to cause issues. Symptoms of a cat allergy include coughing, wheezing, itchy eyes, and skin irritation, often showing up quickly after contact. To confirm an allergy, consult a doctor for tests, and consider avoiding cats altogether if you or a family member is allergic. Treatment options include antihistamines, decongestants, nasal steroid sprays, and allergy shots, though prevention remains the best approach." The more I tell myself I shouldn't own a cat, the more I'll get used to the lack of affection from pretty but essentially emotionally unintelligent fish. That park cat just somehow trusted me more, which stray-wise, big mistake, it should've tried to scratch me like normal cats when I wanted it to get off. Again, cats hate humans anyways, why else would most pet cats not care about you and demand you serve them? I'll stick to fish, at least it's more predictable when they ask you for food, nice water and nice rocks. I've learnt to wish less for what I want.

What's wrong with what I did? Accept that you'll get less, the more you'll accept that you are less. There's one cosplay event I wanna go, and even though it's in April, I'm scared of failing exams the month before and it not feeling worth it, even if my parents will try to support. They're weird for not yelling at me for scoring low marks last exam. They yelled at me more when I said, "I'm stupid, that's why I failed." I don't even know cosplaying, so what's the point, I'm gonna mock myself in the future for even trying and looking ugly. I'm new at dancing as well, so in the class after I had to do it solo, the students clapped without the teacher telling them, and I asked one of them if they're just clapping because they had to and I know I'm not good, then she looked at me, baffled, told the teacher, and he said I "did alright, good enough", and she said she did worse than me early on. No way. They usually say that to appear humble, I've seen enough movies to figure out that they're lying. My brother even told me I shouldn't have asked her, especially if they clapped without the teacher saying anything. But the more I accept I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm weak-bodied, and I don't deserve what I get, I'm real, grown up. I don't deserve the relief I got after the exams, it just means I'm stupid. In fact, why don't mom and dad act like normal, Indian parents? Tell me my worth is the exams, because if I don't pass, at 8th, I won't go into 9th, I won't have a job opportunity, I won't go to a new grade, I'll be humiliated and held back for being stupid, and that I am stupid. They get more mad when I tell them I'm stupid, because that's the truth, I'm stupid. What's relief, what is "good" and all when their own child is a failure? I can't handle pressure, which means I can't do any jobs which gives me big bucks!

I remember pointless things. What good will marine biology do if anyways most deep sea creatures are harmless to us? Anyways most people grow up not doing what they like. They love space and even when they wanna be an astronomer, not even an astronaut, an ASTRONOMER, they end up accounting money, like everyone else. Like every normal human. Accepting worthlessness is peace. You matter to no one. You don't. If I die, it makes no difference to the 153,000 per day deaths. I really don't matter, and when you accept your worth as much as turd, you live life accepting you're never good enough instead of trying to fly with wings as a human.

So I will start off with the fact that I live and work on a cruise ship. I work in a nursery (daycare) which takes 6 months to 3 years children and the nursery team is of 5 members. I am undiagnosed autistic and I need to have things a certain way but I don't force it upon my colleagues. Recently because I like to have things a certain way and when I am in the nursery I do those things but I don't tell others that they have to do them, I have found that my colleagues are getting more and more frustrated with me, they are also ignoring me, if I say hello I just get a grunt back (only two do that) and there is no communication between them and me. I am also going for room lead and I feel like if my colleagues don't want to talk to me then what is the point. I don't feel like a member of the team and feel very lonely right now. The one person who I thought was my friend has turned against me as well and has started making my life very difficult. Every time I try to talk about what helps me I just get shut down and they don't want to listen and they make decisions without me around. I have thoughts of hurting myself.

I currently live in Afghanistan and am known as a poet and literary activist. Because of my literary activities, especially my writings and poems, I have consistently faced restrictions, pressure, and threats from the current ruling authorities of the country, namely the Taliban. Under the present conditions, freedom of expression in Afghanistan has effectively ceased to exist, and individuals involved in art, literature, and independent thought are at serious risk of arrest, persecution, and punishment.

As a result of these activities, I have been threatened multiple times, both directly and indirectly, and there is a serious fear that if I remain in Afghanistan, I will be arrested by the Taliban in the near future. These threats are real and severe, and they have completely destroyed my sense of personal safety and psychological security.

Unfortunately, I am also in an extremely difficult financial situation and do not have the means to leave Afghanistan on my own or through legal channels. I have no financial support or resources to facilitate my departure, and I have no safe path to protect myself independently.

I respectfully request your assistance, taking into consideration the dangerous conditions I am living under, the continuous threats against me, and the lack of security and freedom in Afghanistan. I urgently need help to leave the country safely and to seek asylum in a European country. Remaining in Afghanistan may lead to irreversible consequences for my life.