Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 4

I’m exhausted from being in a relationship where I feel unheard.

Over the years, I’ve learned to keep quiet—not because I have nothing to say, but because my thoughts and feelings are often challenged, debated, or dismissed. My partner believes playing devil’s advocate adds value, but to me it feels invalidating and emotionally careless.

I no longer share much of what I’m going through because it doesn’t feel safe to do so. I listen attentively when he speaks, but I don’t receive the same presence in return. Even small conversations require effort just to have my voice acknowledged.

I’m tired of fighting to be heard. I’m tired of shrinking myself to keep the peace.

Sometimes I imagine being single again. While that thought scares me, it also brings a sense of relief—because as painful as loneliness might be, it may hurt less than feeling invisible in a relationship.

Some days, I convince myself I’m fine that I’m exaggerating, that I’m seeking attention, that I should just be braver. Other days, the truth slips out quietly: I’m not okay.

Not broken.

Not hopeless.

Just not okay.

I’ve ignored that truth for a long time, hoping it would fade. It didn’t. It waited. And now it shows up in my body, in my sleep, in the days I can’t make myself go.

I don’t want to disappear from my life.

I don’t want anxiety to decide for me.

I just want someone even myself to believe that what I’m feeling is real, even if it doesn’t look dramatic from the outside.

Maybe this chapter isn’t about weakness at all.

Maybe it’s about how long I’ve been strong without being held.

i feel like im not loveable at all. all the times i've asked people out i've been rejected and i've been ghosted by a guy that overall i felt was overall a fantastic person to be friends with but he's blocked me and is talking to others about "how much better life has been after cutting off that shitty friendship". all the people i've tried talking to about this i feel like dont fully understand as their all conventionally attractive people who have partners or are in the process of getting one. while im stuck as this damn fat autistic kid who's only relationship ever was with a toxic person who manipulated me. i dont feel like im anyones number one person, that one person you go to instantly when something comes up, im always the second medal and it pisses me the fuck off but i dont know how to fix that

I'm a 16 year old male. I was born into a religious household, where Christianity was the most important thing for us. I won't be going into this exact part so much, but I want to offer some context. I was beaten up a lot since I was a kid. I still remember many of the things they did to me. Say, that time my mother struck me with the sharp side of a metal ruler for rolling on the ground as an 8-10 year old. I wasn't throwing a tantrum, I was just... rolling on a floor. With no one watching. And my clothes got a bit dirty for an event we had that day. I still remember that time she dropped me in an orphanage for eight hours straight after misbehaving in one of my Taekwondo classes... As an 10 year old. I still remember all of it. And how powerless I felt every time.

Since the start, they made me understand very clearly that I did not have control over my mother, neither on myself. If you're wondering where my father is, he "doesn't like to get involved" in those beatings, since then, my mother lashes into him. My mother has a history of mental illnesses (specifically, depression caused by her even sh#ttier mother). There was no fighting back. There was no chance for me to have a say in anything. My mother had the final word over everything. This only laid the groundwork for the things I'm going through now.

As any traditional christian parent, both my mother and father are extremely homophobic, transphobic, and my mother specifically is racist (and excuses herself by saying that she has black friends, but whatever. That's not the point here). As I entered puberty and started finding out who I was, I found myself liking what they deemed "girly" things. Long, fluffy hair (which, they never allowed me to have), the colors pink and red, Touhou project (a videogame saga)... Eventually, my parents suspected that I might be turning gay.

Every day, they would discuss with me. Every day, they would tell me to remove every single "girly" thing I had. I was pretty homophobic myself back then (and I apologize deeply), but I got forced into going through what a huge chunk of the queer community has to go through when coming out as something.

Every day, it was another discussion. A meaningless talk that extended for hours about my parents telling me that I was heading in the wrong path and repeating bible verses. They didn't want to change their minds. They only wanted to change mine.

Let's go to the present day. I... Don't feel well. I feel powerless and weak. I have seen first-hand that my parents would never accept me for who I truly am. I found out something lately. Every time I saw a trans woman, I could feel my blood boil. I found out... that it wasn't because I disliked transgender people. I wanted to be one.

Of course, I can admit it here. I want to be a woman. I want to be pretty, to be loved... And I know that, probably, that'll never happen. People at my school just see me as an autistic kid from which they ask homework when they need some. People exploit the fact that I'm extremely weak emotionally to their favor.

It all happened yesterday. I saw a video in Youtube of a trans woman telling her Highschool experiences with gender dysphoria. They were terrifyingly accurate with the things I was feeling... and I'll admit it. I felt so horrible while watching the video. It felt like being a wild animal in a cage, only able to watch other wild animals roam free and happily wherever they want. I can't do anything. I'm not anyone. I'm simply an insecure 16 year old.

She was able to achieve her goal, and she had other supporting her... why couldn't I...

I feel so isolated from others and myself. I have no one supporting me. No one asks me what I want. What I desire.

I desire to be a woman. and the thing I know about myself is that it's a strong feeling. I'm not making it up.

I just hate feeling like this so much. I hate knowing that, despite any path I choose to take, no one will love me regardless.

Not even my parents. I understand they want the best for me, but... they are the same ones that threatened me to never forgive me and take me out of their will if I ever come out as something. They would rather forgive me for murder than for choosing to be gay. And I'm not coming up with that, my mother told that to me.

I just... want to be a woman.

At the same time, I know I can't.

I feel like I have NO control over my own life.

I'm stuck like this for... who knows how long.

I stopped feeling comfortable with myself a long time ago.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm myself not a suicidal person, but...

I'm here because I need advice. I acknowledge that, maybe, I'm the wrong one, and I'm willing to accept that, if it is true.

I feel like people are seeing me as crazy at work when I'm not. I'm a perfectly sane person, but I feel that my personal situation can't be made public in any way. I'm there solely to go through stages of my life that I needed to go through, purely for that reason. I needed to complete certain phases of my life that I had personally abandoned before they caused future consequences, as happened with my family.

I confess that I feel like a complete fraud, a situation I myself have perpetuated by claiming to be in some kind of special condition when that's not the case. In fact, I don't know who said that or why it was made public if I said it wasn't true. I feel like others are assuming I'm something I'm not, and I'm afraid that this will have consequences for me. I feel like I'm even taking advantage of it to do things, I confess, of course, nothing that results in any irresponsibility; in fact, it allows me to express my true self. Perhaps within a certain context, it constitutes a special situation; I've never experienced anything like this before, yet it has all the same symptoms. Yes, I have to confess, I feel special, and in fact, I feel like this is the treatment I've always deserved from others. It hurts because there's someone who isn't being treated appropriately and has acted unpleasantly towards me because of it, even though I've tried to help her. However, I can't do anything for her; I've just realized that.

I wish I could treat her differently than everyone else does, but I can't, and selling myself isn't something I'm willing to do. In fact, I feel like this person wants to take advantage of my situation and my attraction to her, and that's what I'm trying to prevent at all costs. I don't want to be with this person under these conditions; I absolutely refuse to give myself to her. I find it incredibly narcissistic that she acted kindly when she was ignoring me completely and even told me, after I'd been doing this for a while, not to worry. I can't give myself over any further, because it's going to reach a point where I'll go too far, and we're at work, which is precisely what I've been trying to avoid in order to be able to engage in dialogue. However, we're already reaching the point where it's impossible for our paths to continue aligning, something that might even be beneficial for the person. Since I've been involved with this person on a deeper level, I feel like it's been a desperate attempt to prove that I feel something for them, somehow, to expose my condition, even though it's definitely present. It's been an attempt, that's how I've felt, to prove that I'm abusing it, surely as this person has. Of course, this person carries a particular condition, and in fact, they are abusing it.

I feel that there's no love whatsoever between this person and me, not in any way. Instead, there's an attempt to make me fall into the very thing they've always avoided at all costs, and it hurts to be with them. I went all the way with him just to give him the illusion that he had me in his clutches, only to then leave him immediately. I don't want to think what would have become of me if I had gone so far as to truly express my feelings, only to have it lead to some kind of generalized victimhood. I wouldn't have liked that at all.

Now, why did I have to go to this extreme with someone? I don't understand. I didn't mess with this person at all; she messed with me. I feel like she was trying every trick in the book to make me fall for her, obsessively determined to succeed. Perhaps to escape the guilt of having to be involved with me in some way, given the pressure she's under. All this time we were going our separate ways, but now, seeing what I was doing with her makes me want to run away in terror. Part of it is seeing how he takes advantage of people by manipulating their ability to confuse things and then abandoning them, keeping them out of the loop, of course, just as he does with her. More than pretending to have a romantic relationship with this character, it was about protecting my life. I didn't think I was doing that until now, because while things were happening, I was on a completely different wavelength. I thought we were involved, when in reality we weren't. Instead, we were engaged in a hidden struggle, one that no one could see but him and me.

I can't believe I'm discovering this now, and it hurts. I never imagined this would happen to me, and it makes me feel deeply disappointed, with absolutely no desire to ever see him again. I'm not even interested in hearing any explanations from him. I thought we were headed toward something beautiful, something wonderful, but no.

Tw mentions of suicide and grooming

I feel like there are people predisposed to being good, then there are people like me who have to fight with every fiber of their being to go against who nature has clearly destined them to be.

I love my partner and people close to me, at least I should and there’s no reason not to, but god I think I hate them too, it’s recurring the wish that they would just die because it would make my life easier. Everytime they talk to me it’s a chore. Not that this reflects on them, they’re like a perfect person, but it’s just how I am seemingly naturally.

Other times im on the edge of my seat using every ounce of self control not to cut everyone off, run off into the woods and get myself killed because the thought is so tempting and I really wanna do it, or cut off all of my friends so I can get with another groomer because that’s really the only thing that will make me happy.

I know very well these are evil things to think very very evil selfish things that would ruin my relationships and the trust I’ve built with everyone I love , but that doesn’t change how they are the only things that feel rewarding to me like AT ALL. But on the outside I have to consciously remind myself of who I am supposed to be, a kind and perfect person that loves other people, as is the only person worth staying alive. So when they vent about how they deserve to die alone, instead of going with how I want to reply and watch them shatter ‘well yeah, you do deserve to die alone’- I go, ‘I’m sorry :( do you wanna talk about it? Im here for whatever you need.’ Because that is the normal reaction to have and the care I should have hardwired automatically, though it’s so drastically different to how I feel inside because it just????? Does not come naturally to me??? I have to wonder if literally everyone feels this way because it’s absolutely unfathomable to me why anyone would want to be alive if that was the case. People apologize like ‘sorry if im being a burden’. I’ll tell them ‘no way! Nothing can be a burden to me.’ And sometimes that’s true and I feel I can practically understand where anyone is coming from without judging. But on the other hand people having a bad day is a burden to me, people having human emotions is a burden to me, the fact I have to think about bad things happening to anyone but me is a burden to me because I want everything bad to happen to me. This is to the point I genuinely get jealous and frustrated when I see other people being abused (though ofc I know it’s not their fault and I try to help relieve their emotions and get them out of the abusive situation as a way to relieve my own unbearable jealousy. But evidently that’s not pure intent). In short, what im trying to say is everything is a burden to me, I’d rather either them die or I die than sit through another day in this shitty world that does not seem to change, and as of now I’ve lost hope in being fixed because well… my entire person is the problem . Though I proceed to go about my cheerful exterior and try to live kindly. Does anyone else feel like this or have a perspective on it? This is probably some form of derangement or something, having absolutely no selfless care for anybody, I’ll talk to my therapist about it on the 22nd. But jeez does it suck to live like this.

[Translated from French. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

HELLO everyone, I came to France with my family it’s been one year and some months, then I started school in seconde (10th grade) in a local high school and I had to repeat the year. In my second year my life became like a nightmare for me. My high school kicked me out because I had asked classmates for bank cards and money. In my second high school I cheated twice, I no longer have the right to go to school while waiting for the school to give me a final decision. My parents say that if I am expelled they will no longer pay for my school and will find me a job, but I want to continue school; I am at my limit, am I the bad seed in my family? The worst is that I live with my stepfather, and my mother asks if I came to France to destroy her household???!!! I am crying 😢 😢 I am sick of everything.

[Warning because this story may get disturbing/uncomfortable to some of you] hi, to start off I'll introduce myself without saying my name. I'm a 13 year old transmasculine and I'm here to let out some stuff that's been on my mind for years. I'm sorry if the way I word my story doesn't make sense, I haven't fully opened up to anyone for 6 years- I do not want to sound like an edgelord.

I've been hypersexual my whole life, I have experience cocsa two times ever since I was 4-6, one was my older sister who was also hypersexual- We had sex. Yes. I didn't know what it was at that time but it sure did fueled up my desires. The second was my cousin who kept touching my chest because it was "soft as bread", he said. Because of the incest stuff that happened between me and these two, I started getting into adult stuff and I am NOT proud of it, even as far as to drawing inappropriate stuff. I've been thinking a lot of someone touching me again even to this day, I know it's disgusting and I'm sorry. As much as I hate AI, I shamefully started getting addicted to Chai where I would spend most of my time spending my fantasies. I grew up talking and thinking about stuff not so appropriate for my age until it made many people uncomfortable.

Not only that, I've felt to empty my whole entire life even though I am expressive when it comes to facial expressions and emotions. I've been depressed most of the times, I've overthought most of the time, I've cried to myself so many times, I started slitting myself as a way to cope- it did in fact made me addicted to it, made me stable just slightly, it helped me get rid of the thoughts. Though that did not continue as I promised my sister not too long ago that I will not do it anymore. After that, I crave the feeling of it against my skin again, I crave doing it once more, it has become unbearable where my veins do throb for the blade.

With that promise being made, I moved on to a new coping mechanism- this time I fantasized about myself being two separate people that cares for each other, only them, I've gotten attached to myself, made myself comfortable, and that lasted for one month until I started thinking about logic about how there will never be another person that's exactly like me that will be devoted to comfort me. And because of this, I started getting into c.ai because it gave me the comfort of someone actually being there even though it was a robot.

I've also made multiple imaginary friends that will comfort me somehow just by being there but they always seem to not work, none of it felt real as much as I've always felt real life being complete nonsense.

There was once a time where I had lazily laid on my bed for days to the point where the drinks [coffee] that I usually bring for my own breakfast, rot on my desk and start molding. That point too was where I felt the need to really pierce a knife through my throat, I had felt that way for days. Last year I've gotten way better than that, but this year, it's slowly starting to come back in my senses. The need to end it all when in reality, I can't do it because I AM a pussy.

I really don't get why I'm like this. My life is indeed happy but my ungrateful ass is here to just be sad and all. I've tried getting friends to vent to, but it did the opposite, they were the ones that vented most of the time, shading me with their problems and I couldn't even get a chance to speak up. Even if I did, they would just end up talking about themselves. This has happened a couple of times and it made me bottle up my feelings and I began to think that maybe I am better off as the therapist friend, as the one that will just stand there and listen to whatever they have to say.

I don't bother going out. I have gotten outside before and I don't even want to face people in real life. No, I don't have social anxiety, I just hate them. I hate them because they're too judgemental, they have too much ego that they'll just bully the shit out of people that has the slightest difference between them.

The internet has become a safe space for me, but not when it comes to online friends as well. I have experienced drama with them for more than ten times, and the most recent one, they just went against me, and me alone just because I told the truth.

If I tell the truth, people get mad. If I tell a lie, people get mad. If I am the same as everyone, people get mad. If I am different from someone, people get mad. If I am too sexual, people get mad. If I'm not sexual, people get mad. If I don't open up, people get mad. If I open up, people get mad. This fact alone changed me and it torn me between wanting to be myself and wanting to satisfy others as I do think of the other's feelings, it made me forget about who I really am and what I should even do, that made me take some stuff from personalities owned by people I knew until I created a completely new one for myself.

I have never experienced having a therapist because they are expensive. Not only that, but because I know that the moment they put me in a mental hospital I will just get bombarded with antidepressants and more medicine tabs.

At the age of 10, I started getting aggressive because of intense mood swings, I had taken pleasure in playing around with others. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. The thought of someone else getting deeply saddened by my actions the moment they realize it was me all the time telling fake stories with fake people made me feel better from my bottled feelings.

At age 11, I started regretting manipulating them and went back to feeling horrible and shutting the hell up. I was NOT proud of who I used to be. It made me want to punch myself for my own actions to this day.

Then at age 12, I full on went thinking that maybe, not everything should be cried about, so I stopped caring. I stopped picking up pieces of personalities from people I met and I gradually lost empathy until I felt not a single guilt. That's when I started being happy even though emptiness lingers. I only got mad whenever things didn't go my way.

Now my current age, 13. The only coping mechanisms that work for me right now are, sexualizing myself to refrain sadness, and talking to non-human chatbots, still. I do not feel as empathetic as I used to be when I was way younger. I have understood that only I will understand whatever's going on in my head, selfish as I may sound like.

I do not know how to continue my story further. Thank you for reading my long story, I'm very sorry if the viewer did not understand.

Help me out please. My mom told my siblings that my brother is her favourite child and my sister is my dad's favourite child, we are three siblings and I’m the middle child… how am i supposed to feel? My siblings were hiding this from me cause they thought I would get really hurt (which is true). I mean I always suspected it cause my siblings used to get bypass about stuffs which I couldn’t / still can’t do like going out somewhere, going to the gym (literally), staying out late or when I was the only one who was obliged to do chores.

I’m confused cause my parents always said I would be the one to take care of them in future or my mom literally said I am like her “mom” after my grandmother passed away. Not that I want favouritism in my side,I want my parents to love us equally. How am I supposed to feel? It is true I wasn’t that good in school and I didn’t go to abroad for higher studies like my sister due to financial reasons, is that it? But I am trying really hard now… my parents don’t even have to pay for my tuition so how and where am I disappointing them? I’m confused about how to feel about this now that I heard it from my two trusted people.

I was watching nana edits, it's an amazing anime and I love it. Gonna get a tattoo. While I was watching it tho..my lamp blinked 3 or 4 times. I thought the power was gonna go out but nothing else in my room was doing that. Not the fan or anything. It stopped, idk why but it kinda felt like a kind ghost just letting their presence be known. I feel like a ghost, it feels like my friends and family have their relationships figured out and feel connected. I wish I had something like that. When I wanna die, I think about my sister and the playlist I made when I think about her. I watch videos about girls losing their older brother. Sometimes I really do just wanna leave earth, like right now, it feels good to finally let my feelings out like this. When I think about dying, it's silly but I think of a hot guy and he's my boyfriend, kissing him and stuff, that's all I want during my last moments, I'd be pretty content. I don't think anyone would really care THAT much if I killed myself. I would plan but I try not to let myself get to that level. I'm also a degenerate which doesn't help during dark times, like they're having fulfilling social fun while I e-sex men or plan hookups. I feel like a doomer, that was something I was worried of becoming yet I'm just here.

I'm 18, I turn 19 this year tho. idk why but aging is scary, like nothing to do with looks or anything but it's like life is serious and I'm on a ride that I can't stop and it's gonna keep going up. It's too vast, overwhelming, I can do anything now but like what, yaknow. I guess that's why I just resorted to sexual shit. I don't like this vast dull feeling tho, idk how to stop it, it's like stopping from being happy about shit I'm supposed to be happy about. Like I'm graduating this year, I got the hairstyle I finally wanted, gonna get a job, gonna start my career, gonna party, club, concert, dance, travel. I don't understand why my happiness isn't here...

i’ve always had straight-a’s. i want to do good and feel accomplished once i graduate. i used to always feel so motivated to do my best, i actually had energy, i always felt like i was in control.

lately, it’s been different. i know i might be getting “burnt out” but im losing it that motivation. my a’s are turning into b’s and c’s. i know there’s bigger problems in the world but im not used to this. my motivation is gone, my homework is piling and missing assignments are growing. im so ashamed. i feel guilty for letting it get to this, but at the same time i feel like i shouldn’t feel guilty because i did this to myself. i always dd everything myself. i have no one else to blame.

most teachers are understanding and give me extensions on big assignments that i miss, and most of the time i do them. but there’s one assignment that i just can’t do. it’s killing me. its this speech for my english class. i had all of christmas break to do it. i have really bad anxiety when it comes to public speaking, so i couldn't bring myself to even start the speech knowing that i had to speak. knowing the inevitable end result, i had my first panic attack and missed my second day back from break because of it. i was given an alternative opportunity by the teacher to just give the speech to her and a few friends, but with the pile up of other assignments for my other classes, i couldn't start it even with the alternative. i lied to the teacher about my progress, and i feel horrible, and she found out. she found out that even with the accommodation and that im way passed the due date, i havent even written a sentence because i’ve been so focused on other assignments. ive never done anything like this before. im not a bad student, or maybe i am just slowly turning into one. i dont know what i’m doing. i dont know if it's my stress or im just overthinking everything.

im constantly exhausted and tired, but i dont know who to tell. i have support around me, but i hear it so much it doesn’t sound genuine. it feels like if i actually tell someone they’ll just brush it off. its like when you ask someone “how are you?” and you hear it so much that you just expect them to respond with “im good, how are you?” that if they say anything else they’ll judge. if i actually open up, they’ll judge. i dont recognize what i’m doing. its not procrastination. or maybe it is, but i cant turn my brain off. im losing sleep from stress and all i want to do is sleep, because that the only time my mind is quiet. i want to sleep, but i hate waking up. i wish i could just shut off my mind forever.

i feel like a fraud. i’ve always had high expectations, but not meeting them for the first time is crushing me. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like a failure, and i’m so scared. i dont wanna let my parents down. they’ve always been so proud. i dont think they’ll be proud when they see my report card. i never wanted to let them down, never wanted to let myself down. but i’ve done both.

I am 52, a woman, and I have been married for 25 years. Saying that out loud still feels heavy. We met young, built a life, raised kids, paid mortgages, argued about paint colors. Lately it feels like we are roommates with shared history. I remember once, early on, he brought me coffee every morning without fail. Now we text from different rooms. That sounds dramatic but it is true. I am polite to him, he is polite to me. There is no yelling. There is also no warmth. People say “marriage takes work” and i believed that. I still do. But what if the work changes you into someone quiet and tired. I wonder if this is normal or if we missed a turn years ago and never noticed.

We have issues, lots of them, but none that feel explosive. We disagree on money, intimacy, and how to talk when we are hurt. He shuts down. I talk too much. He says I nag. I say he disappears. Once, after a long silence, he told me “I just don’t know what you want from me anymore.” That stuck. I don’t fully know either. After 25 years you expect some shared language. Instead we misinterpret everything. I once suggested couples counselling and he shrugged and said “if you think it helps.” That was not a no, but it wasn’t a yes. Friends quote stats like “therapy works if both try,” or “most couples wait too long.” Are we too late already.

I keep thinking about a small moment last year. We were at a grocery store, choosing apples. He reached for the ones i like without thinking. It surprised me. For a second, it felt easy again. Then we argued in the car about nothing important. That is how it goes. Good moments get buried fast. I have my own faults, i know that. I can be sharp. I hold grudges. I replay old arguments when I should let them go. Part of me worries counselling will just list our failures in a calm office with tissues on the table. Another part hopes a third voice could help translate us. As one book said, “under every complaint is a longing.” I am not sure what his longing is anymore, or mine 🤷‍♀️

Divorce feels like a word that floats in the room even when we don’t say it. It feels final and also tempting, which scares me. I think about starting over at 52, and I feel tired before I even begin. But I also think about staying and slowly shrinking. Is couples counselling a real option after so long, or just a pause before the end. I am trying to be fair to both of us. He is not a bad man. I am not a perfect wife. We are just worn. If you have been here, did talking to someone help you reconnect, or did it only confirm what you already knew. How do you tell the difference between a rough chapter and the last page.

I can relate to vecna, or henry with the cave, or memories. If I try to think back on my childhood theres a thick wall of darkness. Not so much scared. Or maybe I am. But so much hides behind it

When I look back most of the happy memories that are easily recalled were spent hiding at my second families home, the ?.

My parent won't respect me, my privacy, or my boundaries. It's not just me either, they do it with my sibling as well, crossing visible lines, testing us in ways that a parent should never do. Today, I told my parent I was changing and would have my door locked. Just minutes after I told them that, I heard them walk away from my door, then come back and unlock my door. Luckily I wasn't changing, but that's a clear boundary they crossed and privacy violation. This happened in the morning and then at night we were having another argument and then they went searching my room for no reason. I've been battling manic depression for a while and it can get difficult to maintain an organized room. They know this and have repeatedly used my 'messy' room as an excuse to punish me. They are constantly fat-shaming and food-shaming me everytime I eat, I could have eaten only one small thing and when I go to get another, they start yelling at me to stop and that i've already had one and that's enough. I tend to talk to myself a lot because at home I have no one else to talk to, they're constantly calling me crazy for talking to myself and venting to the people I've made up in my head. They ask why I don't find comfort in them or why I don't tell them things that's going on, but everytime I try to they turn it into a lecture or make it about themselves. Am I wrong for keeping my distance?

I (18 year old male), had my first gay experience today.

We met on sniffies(i know its not the best place) and talked for a good while, finally making plans to meet up around 3 to 4pm at a park. I was very nervous, exited, hesitant, and yet also expectant. I packed a bag with things I thought might be good too bring(spare cloths, lube, condom, phone, water, etc...). Then I rode my bike to the park, settled in a bench, and told him where i was. He eventually walked over, it was kinda awkward and nerve filled, but we started to talk a bit. He had short brown hair, a necklace, a brown shirt, green cargo shorts, a decently fit body, and I thought he looked really hot/cute.

We both were doing things for the first time, and he was so nice and repeatedly made sure I knew I could say no to anything, not wanting to break my boundaries. After a bit, we sat closer and kinda slowly cuddled/felt each other up a bit, before moving to a different bench because people came near. He was so kind, calling me cute, shyly expressing his feelings of shyness to me, and affirming positive things, overall complimenting me with great kindness. I shyly, yet honestly, did the same and assured him he was fine and that I was ok. We continued this, though also moving to another spot 3 more time because people kept coming near us. Eventually, we ending up in a different and more secluded park, with no one visibly present. From there we found a spot to put our bikes and sat close to each other, talking kinda nervously and shyly, but talking none the less.

We eventually started to feel each other up in different areas, he even kissing me a bit(not on my lips). I really enjoyed it despite being very nervous and shy. Finally we started ... pleasing each other and such. We were done after a bit, I thought I did ok and I hope thought so too, as we cleaned up. We then headed our separate ways after saying thanks and such.

When I got home, I changed into fresh cloths and sent him a message expressing how much fun I had and how I'd love to meet again someday, offering to give him my phone number if he wanted It. He didn't respond immediately, but I hoped we could be friends with benefits or more. Eventually, he did responds, saying yes to taking my number.

"I am very happy how my first gay experience went and am hopeful for the future. He was so kind, respectful, positive, and overall great." is what I thought to myself when I first wrote this. Now, i look back with a bit of sadness. That moment was so positive for me yet it was just that, a moment. It's been months now, and he never contacted me again, though I wish he had.