Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 4

Im a veteran with some mental health issues facing foreclosure. My nephew will pay the bank what I owe and let me stay for $500 a month for life and the deed be in his name. But wont do a lease purchase and let me pay him $500 a month for 6 years. Im unable to get a loan cause the number of missed payments.

I think that I don't feel very happy with my career but I'm truly scared to start all over again. My family's afraid that I will not "succeed" (I don't like that term) if I become a 24/7 artist but I don't wanna see myself sad and disappointed with my path. I know that being an artist is too hard but at least I wanna give it a try. But I don't know, I've been crying a lot today because of it. It's not that I hate my job but I sense that I'm not truly satisfied.

What's a great present for a friend who became a mother recently, I wanna buy something for the baby but I also wanna give something beautiful and not too common for her. I'm really good at giving presents but I wanna hear some ideas.

Thanks

When I was a college student, I experienced an unusual, one could even say absurdly tragicomic event. It all happened one lethargic afternoon in the student dormitory where I lived. As I lay flat on my stomach on my bed, recovering from the previous night's party, a girl—who had also attended the party—sat on my lower back and began to massage my upper back. During the massage, I bent my legs at the knees and playfully patted her back with the soles of my bare feet, as if I were massaging her in return. She chuckled, finding it amusing. It was a comfortable, easygoing moment.

However, while I was patting her, I felt her necklace with my toes. She had turned the necklace on her back while massaging me so that it wouldn't bother her. The necklace had a small medallion that I inadvertently tangled between my third and fourth toes, along with a few strands of her long hair, which was tied in a ponytail. A mischievous impulse took hold. I held onto it, not wanting to let go. She turned around, still seated on my lower back, now in the opposite direction, my sole in front of her face. She grasped my foot with one hand while using the other to try and untangle the chain and medallion from my toes. I laughed at her futile attempts, playfully refusing to loosen my grip, despite her pleas to let go of the chain to prevent it from breaking and to stop pulling her hair.

Her pleas only fueled my amusement. Quite simply, I enjoyed the fun and tortured her with pleasure.

To put it mildly, she was a girl for one night. A former cheerleader and once a pole dancer in a strip club, she was a very cunning and skilled girl, and was one of those who drifted through college parties. I didn't particularly appreciate her, but she was... available, and sometimes that was enough. I brought her into the room, taking advantage of the fact that my girlfriend had been away for some time. She was of medium height, slim, and well-built. Her face wasn't what you'd call pretty, save for one truly remarkable feature: her teeth. Her teeth were flawless. She had a beautiful, impressive set of exceptionally large and strong teeth. When she spread her lips in a smile, they looked like perfectly strung pearls.

My playful game came to an abrupt halt when I felt her long, sharp nails begin to scratch, not gently, but with a deliberate, unpleasant drag across the toes which were holding the chain, then along my sole. My amusement vanished, replaced by a sudden jolt of apprehension, a cold prickle of fear. This wasn't playful anymore. Afraid that she would scratch my foot and toes, I immediately loosened my grip, allowing her to free the chain. I took great care of my feet, with an almost obsessive attention, and was proud of their appearance, especially toes. I was practically at the beginning of my career as a sandal model. My big toe was a special and a striking feature on my feet: very large, nicely shaped, significantly longer than the second toe and exceptionally dominant, and art directors and photographers liked it. I had appeared in magazines and commercials for men's sandals, mainly toe-loop sandals, flip-flops and various other attractive sandals on several occasions.

But the game, I realized with a sudden chill, wasn't over. Not for her.

The moment the chain was free, swiftly, unexpectedly, she seized my foot with both hands. Her grip was surprisingly strong. Then came the shock! Before I could even register what was happening, before my brain could process the intent, before I could even think of pulling my foot away, she bit down on my big toe!

A crushing pain exploded through my big toe. The pain was instantaneous and excruciating, unlike anything I had ever felt. It was as if a vise had clamped down my big toe and then crushed. A raw, involuntary scream tore from my throat, ripping through the quiet afternoon. I screamed at the top of my lungs, the pain so intense I felt my eyeballs bulge, threatening to pop out of their sockets. I nearly fainted.

In the ensuing chaos, the bookshelf beside my bed, an old, rickety thing overloaded with textbooks, somehow dislodged from its precarious perch and struck her. The sudden impact caused her to release my toe, and I was finally able to yank my foot free. All of this happened within a maximum of 10 seconds.

I ended up in the hospital. Doctors, their faces grim, explained the extent of the damage. The bite, they said, had been so strong, that she almost bit my big toe off! The big toe bone was crushed, pulverized just below the upper joint—a little more than half of the big toe.The upper part of the big toe looked almost separated. The doctor told me, that I was crazy lucky, becose that the bookshelf saved me at the last moment, otherwise that girl would have definitely bitten off my big toe. By the way, when I arrived at the hospital until I told them what happened to me, the doctors thought I was bitten by a dog.

I lay there in profound shock, terror seizing me at the realization that whore had almost bitten my big toe clean off. I was scared and desperate. The doctors were miraculous. They performed some intricate, delicate procedure to save my toe. “You were lucky,” the nurse had said later, her voice grave, checking my IV. “That big toe was nearly bitten off. Could have lost it for good.”

The recovery was an agonizingly long ordeal. Weeks stretched into months, filled with physical therapy, throbbing pain, and the frustrating helplessness of limited mobility. Even now, many years later, my big toe sometimes still hurts and often goes numb. Despite efforts to remove it, an ugly scar remains to this day. Because I have a very large and strikingly prominent big toe, significantly longer than the second toe, scar is even more clearly and unmistakably visible.

That single, savage act ruined my fledgling career as a model for sandals. It was a valuable source of pocket money during my college years, a small but steady income that had once allowed me a measure of independence.

I’ve replayed that event in my head a thousand times, sifting through every detail, every word, every look. How could a playful game turn into such a visceral act of aggression? I'm still in shock and disbelief that that girl had such strong teeth. I still wonder, is it normal for a girl to have such strong teeth and a bite!? I wish I had an explanation, because I'm simply shocked that a female can have such a strong bite. I am most disappointed in myself as a man, because I didn't even try to free my foot, I just screamed, and I let a girl who is a head shorter than me defeat me. I didn't do anything to defend myself, only an incredible lucky circumstance saved me.

I wanted her to get a prison sentence. The police were involved, the hospital reports stark and undeniable, the gruesome photographs of my mangled toe laid bare. But her version of the story, where she conveniently omitted to say that I had released her chain before the bite, was, somehow, more believable in the eyes of the law. She painted herself as the victim, reacting defensively to my "assault" with my foot. Her portrayal of herself as a victim of violence was at the highest level. During the trial, at one point, when she glanced at me, she discreetly stretched her lips into a smile. I interpreted to mean she had no remorse at all for her action. The legal system found her not responsible for the wrongdoing she did. The judge was a woman and I believe that there was also female solidarity. She managed to get out of everything without any consequences.

Also, it was hard for me that s got a lot of support from the girls, and many of them were delighted by her act and I was their object of ridicule.

I am convinced that the bite wasn't in affect, but completely calculated and that she did it with premeditation.

In the end, once again, I am infinitely grateful to the doctors who saved my toe and prevented me from losing it in such a bizarre way.

What would people have thought if they had seen this on a reality TV show?

i was scrolling through my phone, staring at the last text from my boyfriend – "hey, feeling really sick, won't make it to school today." it has only been two weeks since we made it official, and it's crazy how much i miss him already. i mean, is it normal to feel this way? i can't help but wonder if somehow, on some level, he can feel just how much i genuinely miss him. is there like some secret connection or vibe that gets sent out into the universe when you miss someone? 'cause if there is, i'm sending all the good vibes his way.

it's funny how one can become so attached so quickly; like, wow. some might say that's part of the teenage experience, and maybe it is. i've heard about other girls feeling this way for their boyfriends, and honestly, i kinda thought it was a bit cheesy. never thought i’d be the one writing this. 🤦‍♀️ i'm sure he's not super into cheese (the metaphorical kind), but i bet he'd appreciate knowing just how much i care. can't call him though, 'cause his mom says he's resting. just sitting here, my mind constantly battles between wondering if i should send him a "get well" card or just wait until he's feeling better. decisions, decisions, am i right?

idk if anybody else feels or felt this way, but sometimes when you miss someone, it's like they’re always on your mind. every little thing reminds me of him – even the school cafeteria food reminds me of the time we joked about how bad it is. and don’t get me started about the classes we share. sitting in those classes without him feels neither here nor there. it's almost as if not attending classes together changes everything, makes it less exciting. maybe it's because i'm a naturally nostalgic person, or maybe it’s because our bond is still so fresh. you think it's silly, don't you? or can you relate to this?

in conclusion, missing someone seems like a weird roller coaster of emotions, and who knows if he'll ever feel the vibes i'm sending his way. life can be a bit sketchy, but i guess that's just how it goes. i just hope he gets better soon, 'cause i’m over here trying to play it cool when really, all i want is for him to feel better and return to school to turn my frown upside down. do you think love and longing have some secret telepathic power? or maybe i'm just dreaming up a fairytale cause this is the first time i've felt this way. either way, if there’s some cosmic connection, i'm all ears, waiting to see if he'll ever feel those vibes. 😍

Sorry if some words sound a bit off. English is not my native language and I’m using a translator, but I really need advice on what I should do in this situation.

I met a guy last month at a very crowded nightclub, in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in my city. I’m aware of my own reality and background, but he was the one who showed interest first. He approached me and invited me to join him, but I was with some friends at the time. Later, at the end of the night, he came back to talk to me and we kissed. We exchanged Instagram, and the next day he messaged me.

We kept talking and getting to know each other’s routines, and after almost three weeks of talking, he asked me out and I agreed. It was honestly one of the best dates I’ve ever had. He was very kind and affectionate with me. We exchanged affection, kisses, and intimacy, and I felt a real connection. It was a very good and intimate moment. At no point did he make me feel less than him or comment on my financial situation or anything related to that — and I was aware of where I was getting myself into.

When I got home, I sent a couple of messages saying I was fine. The next day, he sent me just one message at 7 a.m. saying he had gone for a run. I replied normally, but after that, he never responded again.

Now I’m questioning everything. I don’t know if I did something wrong during the date or if he was just pretending to be interested this whole time. I don’t know if I should keep waiting for something from him or if I should just move on with my life. I didn’t send any more messages because I didn’t want to pressure him, but it has been four days since the date and he hasn’t reached out at all.

P.S:

I only mentioned his financial situation because it is very far from my own reality, and, honestly, it made me feel a bit insecure. I know these kinds of connections usually feel like something that only happens in movies, but this time I just wanted to give it a chance.

I truly don’t care about money. I came from very humble beginnings, and the only thing I look for in someone is loyalty and companionship. I don’t know what his thoughts are, but I believe I made it clear to him that I don’t have the same financial conditions as he does. I don’t want to believe that someone would choose or reject another person based solely on financial status.

Should I insist or just let him go? Did I do something wrong ?

i have been working for about ten years now and it feels like i have been failing for ten years straight, i am a woman in my thirties and when i started i thought i was gonna be smart and study sociology because i liked reading random stuff and arguing about society, turns out i sucked at it and failed hard, exams, papers, motivation, all trash, so i dropped out and since then i just bounce around jobs with no qualifications like some kind of walking warning sign, retail, call centers, cleaning, a bakery once where i burned bread and somehow managed to annoy everyone, offices where i was told i was “not a good fit”, warehouses where they said i was too slow, and every time it ends the same way, polite meeting, fake smiles, “we’re not satisfied with your performance”, and me nodding like yeah sure makes sense, i never keep a job long enough to feel secure and i can’t even argue because deep down i know they’re right, i mess things up, forget stuff, misunderstand simple instructions, people say “it’s common sense” and i just stare at them like ok guess i missed that class, and now ten years later my cv looks like a joke and i don’t even bother lying anymore because what’s the point.

at home it’s not better and i don’t mean in a dramatic way, just facts, i suck at basic adult stuff, my kitchen skills are basically pasta and regret, everything i try to cook ends up bland or burned or both, i follow recipes and still mess them up like i’m actively trying to fail, my place is a mess most of the time, not hoarder level but enough that i avoid inviting people over, laundry piles, random papers, dust i keep ignoring, i tell myself i’ll clean on sunday and then sunday comes and i just scroll on my phone and feel tired for no clear reason, relationships are another disaster zone, i had a few boyfriends over the years, nothing long, nothing stable, they usually start nice and then they get bored or annoyed or say i’m distant or too negative, one literally told me “you don’t seem to like anything”, which hurt but also felt accurate, i don’t have some tragic breakup story, it’s more like slow fading and mutual relief, family is worse because there’s history and expectations, i don’t have a good relationship with anyone there, phone calls are awkward, visits are rare, and every conversation feels like a silent audit of my failures, job, love, money, everything, and i leave feeling smaller than before.

i’m not writing this to be dramatic or to fish for pity, it’s more like an inventory, when you lay it all out it’s kind of impressive how consistently bad i am at everything, work, love, home, family, even hobbies don’t stick, i start stuff and quit, gym, drawing, learning a language, all dead after a few weeks, people say “everyone has strengths” but i honestly don’t see mine, maybe being self aware, maybe being honest, or maybe that’s just another excuse, i read quotes like “failure is part of success” or “you just haven’t found your thing yet” and they sound nice but also empty when you’re ten years in and still lost, one therapist once said i should “reframe my narrative” and i nodded and never went back, because reframing doesn’t change the facts, i am bad at things and people notice, maybe i’m just average and expecting too much, or maybe i really do suck more than most, i don’t know, i keep asking myself and now i’m asking you, is there a point where you stop saying it’s bad luck and start admitting you’re the problem; how many chances does a person get before the pattern is just who they are?

What do you say when you don’t want to attend an invitation because the person invited you to their birthday party purely out of formality? They ignore me except for sending the invitation, hang out with the whole group without me, and I can sense they have an issue with me but don’t want to confront it. Instead, they make the situation worse by posting Instagram stories shading me. Honestly, I just want to cut this person off peacefully because I’ve tried to clear things up before, and they still keep acting shady toward me.

Hey! It's Caralia. So if you've read Caralia and Luna part 2, you have the full story. This is NOT a continuation of that story. Go check that out, anyways!

So, as we previously know, Jaylen was part of the same friend group as Willow (girl that bullied me). btw, Willow went back to the original friend group she was talking mess about. Jaylen was telling me what happened yesterday, and it went something like this.

Jaylen texted that she was kinda friends with a controversial person Ria in a group chat with Willow and friends > The entire group was shocked, but quiet about opinions. > The following day at lunchtime, Jaylen was talking to Willow and friends and said that she was cool with Ria, but not completely friends > Willow was overreacting, jumping around, and yelling all about Jaylen's a traitor, a liar, and completely judging Jaylen for having separate friends. > Jaylen tries to handle it respectfully

As Jaylen was telling me, many people in that group chat started avoiding Jaylen, and Jaylen is going to confront Willow. STAY UPDATED!!

Last thing, thanks for reading. If you don't want to write a comment, vote in poll.

Please excuse my grammar, english isn't my native language.

In a few months I will be graduating high-school and it's dawning on me that I'll have to say goodbye to all my friends when I move to college. The thing is, while I certainly consider them friends, I don't feel that close with them if that makes sense. I'm part of their circle but I feel like I'm always in the background, laughing at someone else's jokes, trying to fit in. I might even be forgotten about sometimes as I'm rarely invited to gatherings unless I'm already there. I'm well liked in my class, I have a reputation for being uncontrovertial, but I'm never the first person to get invited to hangouts or whatever plans they have. I know I'm atleast partially to blame, I'm shy and I get uncomfortable when sharing things about myself with other people, even things I enjoy. I don't find myself having much in common with the people around me in terms of interests either. As a result I struggle to start conversations or talk about anything other than academics. Looking back at my life now, it's always been this way. I become friends with whoever is physically nearby, then I become an afterthought when the school year ends. I really envy the bonds that other people people have with their friends.

hey guys, so I've been thinking about this whole "calming brain breaks" thing lately, and let me tell you, it's a freakin' game-changer! I mean, we all know life's just full of stressors, right? Work, family, bills, social media drama; you name it, we've got it. Some days you just feel like you're spinning out of control, ya know? 😅 that's when these little nuggets of peace come into play! imagine just stepping away for a few moments, taking a deep, deliberate breath, and letting your brain chill the heck out. no, really think about it.... ever tried a mini-meditation sesh? it's like hitting a reset button for your noggin'.

seriously, "Calm is the superpower" isn't just a Pinterest quote, it's a truth! even just a couple of minutes can make a world of difference. have you tried it? you're sitting at your desk, all this noise buzzing about, and bam! you just zone out, focus on breathing, and feel tension melting away. it's pretty damn blissful. but here's the kicker, don't just wait for stress to pile up. oh no, make it a habit, y'all! get into the groove of sprinkling these brain breaks throughout your day. it's not rocket science, peeps, it's all about giving your brain the love it deserves. now, I'm nobody's guru, but even I know we gotta look out for our own mental well-being. anyway, beyond breathing, there's also y'know, just standing up, stretching, and moving about like a flexible goddang yoga master. okay, maybe not that intense, but you catch my drift. how about turning up your favorite jam and just dancing like nobody's watching? yeah, it's a classic cliche, but there's a reason it's a feel-good go-to. damn right, music lifts the spirits! and for those fancy word nerds, a little poetry can do the trick. recall Emerson's "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." warms your soul, eh? well, at least mine. now, I won't lie, I'm guilty of indulging in social media spirals when stressed; it's all too tempting. but reality check - it's toxic more often than it is soothing. so, curate your 'conscious unwind time.' maybe doodle cute little pictures, scribble down random thoughts, or even whip up some crazy storylines you've got bubbling in your brain. that's mental detox without the harmful additives, people! ever just gazed up at the blue sky and wondered about life's mysteries? you're damn right, that counts as a calming break too. sure, life's chaotic, but ya know, c'est la vie. don't let it get you down, fight back with positive vibes. well, I guess what I'm getting at is, it's okay to need breaks, it doesn't mean you're weak or incapable. quite the contrary, folks. it means you're human, and hey, humans need nap time too! value these calm valedictions you give to yourself, 'cause heaven knows nobody else will dole 'em out freely. and look, maybe you think "I've got no time for that" or "I'll look silly" or some other excuse. I say, who freakin' cares! life isn't a stage with assigned scripts. do what makes your heart kinda sing, ditch the stiff necked routine! find your rhythm and weave these peaceful pauses into your grind. ain't nobody got time for burning out, we're talking self-preservation here. challenge you: why not try it for a day, see if you feel a spark of difference? if not, pfft, nothing lost. but it might, and I mean like really, might just light that internal glow and inadvertently have the power to spread your sunny disposition to those around you. positivity always pays it forward, don't ya think? alright, that's enough rant from me; just take a thought, and chew on it a while. life's a mishmash of moments, make sure you grab the ones where you pause, breathe, and simply be. peace out!

Hey girls & boys!

I am 19 and I am a woman. I have been with my boyfriend for six months. He is also 19. We are young and we try to be kind. Recently we had sex for the first time. It was my first time ever. I did not like it. I hated it. I tried again after. I still hated it. Every time after that I felt the same. It feels like work to me. I feel tired before and after. I feel pressure even when he is sweet. I like him a lot. I like his laugh. I like walking with him. I like texting dumb things at night. Sex is not that for me. I feel broken for saying that. A friend once said, “your body knows before your head.” I think about that a lot. I am polite about it with him. I smile. I try. I do not cry in front of him. I am hopeful because I am young 🙂 I also read posts online and people say it gets better. Maybe. But right now I dread it. I keep asking myself if this is normal. I keep asking if I am doing something wrong.

I remember the first time clearly. It was planned. Music was on. He was nervous. I was more nervous. I told myself to be brave. I told myself this is what couples do. It hurt a bit. It felt strange. Not romantic like movies. Not magical like people say. After, I felt empty. I did not feel closer. I felt further. I felt like I was pretending. The other times were similar. Sometimes worse. Sometimes I counted seconds. I feel bad saying this. He asks if I am okay. I say yes. I hate lying but I hate hurting him more. Someone online wrote, “sex is communication.” I do not feel heard there. I feel small. I feel like I owe something. I wonder if that is love. I wonder if love can be without sex. I am not angry. I am just confused. I am polite to myself too, I try. I keep a small notebook. I write things like, maybe later, maybe different, maybe not.

I ask myself the question in the title a lot. Is sex important in a relationship. People say yes. People say no. People say it depends. I think it depends on the people. I want to talk to him. I want to be honest soon. I am scared but hopeful. I believe relationships can grow. I believe consent is daily. I believe comfort matters. A quote I like says, “love is patience.” I hope that is true for us. I am not broken. I am learning. I am allowed to dislike things. I am allowed to ask for time; Do you think a relationship can be strong without sex for a while. Do you think love should wait. I want answers but I also want peace. I hope we find a way that feels good for both of us.

i think theres something thats sets me apart from everyone, and its how im calculating theres a trend of life getting worse (example ram crisis, food costs, goverments being asshole) and how i dont have a family as i have issues with them i that cant fix, and im imagining there all saying the same thing, i dont matter, if i die im easily replaced, theres 8bn of us here, all cows to be milked out of, i dont wanna be milked, i feel like just not taking life too seriously and im not supposed to do that, why take it seriously when u can just have ur fun and leave with those memories, maybe with friends play some game or go out at night idk, since u know u cant improve much or make a good life, why try hard when it doesnt pay off, i dont understand it, im either missing something or calculating something completely different to u guys

i am 41 years old and i am a woman and i am so damn tired of my own brain!!! ten years ago i cheated on my husband and yeah i know how that sounds and i know what people think and honestly i have thought it all myself a thousand times already!!! it was one stupid messy year of my life when i felt invisible and angry and bored and selfish and i made a choice that still sticks to me like gum on a shoe!!! my husband never found out and before you ask yes that fact alone makes me feel like a fake grown adult with a mortgage and a calm smile and a dirty secret!!! i go to work i cook dinner i pay bills i say thank you and sorry and good morning like a normal person while my head randomly screams remember that thing you did!!! it pops up when i am folding laundry or driving or brushing my teeth and i just want my brain to shut the hell up!!! i have read articles i have heard therapists say forgive yourself and move on and yeah sure sounds cute in theory!!! i even wrote it down once like some motivational crap from a podcast quote “you are not your worst mistake” and i laughed because wow that felt fake!!! i am rude to myself about it all the time and i replay the nights and the lies and the thrill and the shame and i hate that part of me and also hate that i cannot delete it!!! how do you stop thinking about something when your mind treats it like unpaid debt!!! do you ever feel like you already served the sentence but your brain keeps adding years!!!

i am trying though and i want to say that out loud because maybe someone needs to hear it!!! i am trying to stop beating myself with the same stick every damn day!!! i remind myself that ten years is a long time and i am not that woman anymore even if she still lives in my memory!!! i remind myself that guilt is not the same as accountability and that endless punishment is not noble it is just dumb!!! sometimes i literally say out loud shut up already and it helps a bit!!! sometimes i tell myself this is not useful thinking and i move on like a tired manager closing a bad meeting!!! i think about how many good years i have given my marriage since then and how many honest moments exist now!!! i read somewhere maybe in a random book or a stupid tweet that said “thoughts are just thoughts not commands” and yeah that stuck with me!!! i am hopeful in a quiet stubborn way!!! i think healing is boring and slow and annoying and not poetic at all!!! but maybe stopping the thinking is not about erasing it and more about not feeding it!!! so i ask you reading this do you have something old and rotten that your brain drags out for no reason!!! do you also want to move the hell on and live!!! if so maybe we both start today and decide that enough is enough!!! because honestly life is short and i am done letting one bad chapter act like the whole damn book!!!

i have a best friend. She's been my best friend for the longest time after all my friends stopped being friends with me around some year in middle school, if i'm not wrong.

i've felt her love all this years—as a friend, of course. i felt so close to her, almost as if we were siblings. i always felt comfortable around her and just did whatever i want because i felt like she accepted me however i was.

Thing is, after all this long, long years, where things have changed drastically and we're definitely not as close as we used to be....................... i think i like her.

That shouldn't be a problem. Friends tend to fall in love with their friends and that's how they end up marrying and having a family and blah blah blah. It's normal and it should be.

*Should* be, because it's not normal.

We're both girls. And that...... kind of terrifies me.

i have nothing against homosexuals. i love y'all people, would never see a bit of hate from me towards you or anyone else. It's just—

Yeah, i have a faith. And *this*?

This kind of f*cks up everything.

i've dealt with this feeling for *a while* now. Tried to suppress them, tried to understand them, tried to forget about it.......

Nothing works.

It just feels so wrong however i look at it.

i don't like her in a way i can imagine or daydream about us being in a relationship and having a future together—no, i just-- i just want her to be by my side. To be together. As just friends, or a bit something else, in some sense(?). That she does love me back. That it would be mutual. That, even if she has lots more of friends aside from me, at the end of the day she still comes back to hug me and tell me she loves me.

i have never talked to her about this because— first of all, i'm shy, even with her. i've changed and i don't feel as close as we were back then. Just saying all of this here is embarrassing enough, because it feels like admitting something huge and making it *real*—it's scary. i'm doing this only because i'm desperate to let it out and it's anonymous. And, second— HOW THE HELL DO I GO AND TELL HER "hey, i think i like you. Not sure tho but what'd you think"?!! i wouldn't go and say it that way, but in ANY way i say it, i feel like i'm going to ruin a friendship i've taken years on to build, after being left by many and become isolated.

Look, maybe i'm just overly attached to her because she's literally my only friend left (and i feel like this is going to break any time) or idk i'm going through a phase or something. Or maybe i just admire her or something and i'm mistaking it for romantic love??

But every time i look at her—bathed in sunshine, beneath moonlight; under blue skies or a sunset of hues. Even sweating overwhelmed by summer heat or soaked in cold winter rain. She just shines. She's beautiful. She's so damn pretty it hurts. Her smile is something i want for only me. i'm guilty of feeling a little possessive in that way. But especially in the way she speaks—her voice, her words, her gestures. How she feels and how she shows it; in the way she does mundane chores or a complex project of any kind, of anything she's interested in.

i just......... Feel short of words.

i feel so in love that it truly hurts—because i like her, so much, and she seems unreachable... And even if she was at my very reach... It feels incredibly wrong.

i'm scared of ever saying something even slightly related to my feelings to her, because anything and everything feels exposing, from what i do and what i don't.

i just feel so stupid......

Being in love is difficult, i hadn't been in forever... i hate it... But i also lover her so much it kind of numbs the hate... But then i hate to admit it... Damn it...

Also, do i have to actually put that question it tells me to put at the end...?