Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 6

so I just like kicked my friend's chair FOR FUN AS A JOKE I may add, and he turned around and said "Hey, don't hit me WOMAN" and I gave him a warning look and he said "Yeah, I said it!" and the teacher came over (shes w btw) and asked what was going on and my "friend" said "well SHE kicked the back of my chair and because they don't like being called a woman I called HER a SHE" and now I don't even want to be in the same room as him help me

imagine this scenario:

a teenager, he is a student, isolated from the world around him. he longs to connect with people, but circumstances have built walls he cannot climb. his school is far away, his family rarely interacts with neighbors, and his parents, being reserved and socially withdrawn, have little connection with society. he is not allowed to leave home without permission, nor to use social media. layer upon layer, these restrictions have shaped his solitude, turning what once felt like temporary boundaries into a permanent way of life.

deep down, he wants friends. he wants to belong. but fear holds him back, fear of choosing the wrong people, of being hurt, of not fitting in. he overthinks every possible interaction until the courage to act fades away. so, despite his longing, he rarely tries. instead, he watches life from the sidelines, silently hoping someone might notice him first.

there is, however, one thing that makes him feel less alone, zubeen garg. he has known zubeen’s voice since childhood, growing up with his songs woven into the background of his days, until that voice became something deeply familiar, almost like the sound of home. to him, zubeen isn’t just a distant celebrity but someone who feels close, his voice feels familiar, comforting, almost like part of his own family. when he listens to those songs, a quiet warmth rises within him, reminding him that he is assamese, part of a culture and a crowd that come alive together in zubeen’s music. watching people sing in unison at concerts makes him feel, even from afar, that he too belongs somewhere. and it isn’t a forced attachment, he genuinely loves the music, its emotion, honesty, and life. in a world where everything else feels cold and unreachable, zubeen garg’s voice is the one familiar sound that still makes him feel at home.

he had once had a girlfriend who seemed like she had stepped right out of his imagination. shy yet confident, cute, tall, caring, honest, loyal, and genuinely in love with him without a trace of resentment or immaturity. she was everything he thought he deserved, yet he rejected himself. how could someone like him, so flawed and insecure, ever be worthy of her? in his mind, she was perfect, and he was far from it. part of him felt blessed to have had her in his life, a glimpse of what happiness could look like, and yet the same thought made him feel unbearably unlucky. he didn’t want to make her life harder or bring his own imperfections into hers, so he quietly stepped back, no messages, no calls, no meets, but it wasn’t a breakup. he told her he would meet her again someday, when he had become the person he believed she deserved. until then, he stepped away from her life, carrying both gratitude and regret. if he becomes better, he might return; if not, he will watch from afar, silently wishing her the best.

physically, he believes himself weak, and to some extent, he’s right. he always wanted to be the kind of person who’s strong, fit, and good at sports, the version of himself he wishes he could become. but every school sports day reminds him how far he is from that image. each time he falls behind, it’s not the loss that hurts most, but the feeling of failing himself. he looks at others and wonders why he can’t be like them, fast, confident, effortless. every time he comes up short, the gap between who he is and who he wants to be feels wider, and that disappointment slowly turns into self-criticism.

no one validates him. he has no one to confide in, no one to truly understand what he feels. during social events, his insecurities rise to the surface. surrounded by others, he feels invisible, as if his presence makes no difference. even laughter and conversation around him seem to happen on a frequency he can’t tune into. in those moments, he doesn’t just feel left out; he feels erased.

he often finds himself questioning his own emotions. Are they real, or just the product of overthinking? is he being foolish, or is this the long-suppressed voice of his inner child, quietly crying for attention after years of being ignored? sometimes he wonders if the pain he feels is even valid, or if he’s imagining it all. he’s trapped in a loop of doubt, because no one has ever truly listened, and he’s never been given a chance to make sense of himself in the eyes of another.

he tells himself he deserves a normal life, as if the one he lives doesn’t count as one. constant worry consumes him: what will his future look like? he knows his current habits aren’t leading him toward his goals, becoming a doctor, earning respect, finding belonging, yet he feels powerless to change them.

he sees his dreams as distant fantasies, not possibilities. that thought terrifies him. he feels unlucky, unlucky to be so isolated, unlucky to have grown up in such circumstances, with these parents, this family, this school. and yet, beneath all that hopelessness, a faint spark remains, a small, stubborn belief that maybe, one day, life could still be different.

in his quiet moments, he isn’t just lonely, he feels forgotten by the world, as though he exists on the edges of everyone else’s story.

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hello everyone, i wanted to share a part of my life with you. i’ve tried my best to express it clearly and honestly. thank you for taking the time to read, i would truly appreciate any thoughts or comments. and if any part of this story feels relatable to you, i’d love for you to share your own story too.

whywhywhywhy

they hurt me but I don't know if its worth it to hold on to the anger. I don't really need to hate them anymore. so what do I do.

So I'm 15, my brother is 13. He's a major asshole. His first problem is that he never listens, I tell him something and he'd insult me but not listen even if it's genuinely good advice or I told him caring about him. I know at my age I haven't lived the world yet, but I can help him with some things. The second thing is that he always argues, he acts like all he does is not his fault. He doesn't study, not his fault. He does something stupid or harmful, not his fault. and when he gets scolded he doesn't give a fuck. Today he literally gave us all a heart attack, basically he gets out of school at 2 pm, he should've been home max at 2:20, instead while we were trying to find him everywhere on the road from school to home, contacting his classmates and friends, apparently he was bringing his friend home (who literally lives on the complete other side of the town) and he arrived home at 3 pm. Apparently his bike broke (not broke but the chain wasn't working) and he didn't bother trying to contact anyone. And now after getting a big ass scolding from my mom and literally her saying she was so fucking worried, he just kept rolling his eyes and not caring. He didn't accept on taking his phone to school just in case, so now he cannot even accompany his friends. And now this evening I'll have to hear him getting scolded and him not giving a fuck again.

I don't wanna hear any shit saying "oh but he's still growing, he's a teen." well I'm a teen too, all my friends are teens too, and none of us ever did this shit. How can someone be so selfish and such a dickhead? I always say this, he's been raised as the main character and way too cared for. I just don't get it, I wasn't this shitty at 13.

If I suddenly blinked out of existence, I know the world wouldn't change much. Life would go on for most people. The people around me wouldn't be much different if I had never existed. Someone else would be sleeping in the room I'm in. There would be someone else to fill in my empty chair. My friends would still be brave, resilient, and some would still have a tough time opening up. Even though my existence is very tiny in the grand scheme of things, I hope I have had an impact on the people around me, no matter how small. I hope I have given them something to make them smile from time to time. I hope that they remember me down the road. Even if we drift apart, I hope they still think of me every now and then. I want to be the little bit of light in someone's day that makes them believe that there is still good in the world. I want to be the type of person that others know they can come to when they need someone to give their honest opinion. I want to be someone that people can open up to without fearing judgment. I hope that my friends appreciate my quiet presence, and I hope they know that is how I show love. I hope that the people around me know how much they mean to me. I wish they knew how much I've thought about them, wanting only the best for them. Even at the expense of my own wellbeing. I want to mean something to someone. Even if it's just small compliment I have given. And it may be selfish of me, but I could die happily knowing that I had a positive impact on one person's life. I just want to know that I have meant something to someone. Then maybe I could stop telling myself that no one would notice if I was gone. Maybe then I would believe that my life hasn't been a meaningless existence.

So, I think some of read my vent in https://iiwiars.com/school/i-m-a-failure-long-version

And I showed it to my mom. She said it was nonsense of me to keep dragging this now because it already finished 2 days ago. She told me that the family still loves me, and no other family can ever love me the same way. What if she's lying? She said in life you shouldn't feel miserable and still allow yourself to change. I told her I can't change, and that I wish I could be faster because I'm slow compared to many others, but Moomy told me that it doesn't matter and I will still change and be good. What if she's lying? She also said that she can be my friend because she's my mom and so far she's been understanding. What if she's lying? She says that we all have a good time until I remember that we had a horrible argument/misunderstanding the night before, which she said she didn't forget, but she didn't wanna let it define her. What if she's lying? I'm hurt by the argument that day, and I feel like I was turned into a clown-like caricature, a "child creating her own problems to seek attention from others".

Surely I'm Belle Gibson, the Instagram lady who almost convinced the world she had cancer and they believed her genuinely (you should read the website above to know what I mean). My mom said that I shouldn't vent anymore and I should delete the thing, the big paragraphs I showed her, because it's not true. I told her that's not the point of a vent, and she said vents are apparently some stuff "people shove their ass in". Fuck her so much. I told her whenever I get angry, I wanna murder people, like, literally, and she called me a psycho. I told her I should've never said that and kept it in, but for some reason, bloody whore tells me to tell her EVERYTHING because she won't leave me behind! Bitch, you're lying, I know you are! Shut the fuck up, Moomy! Should I even call her that? It sounds wrong. Imagine having your mother as a friend, it'd be humiliating if any of my classmates saw me walk with my mom and brother in malls and not my friends, because I lack them. She told me I was good enough for now and I can improve, but not by "being miserable" because "I'm digging a deep hole I can't get out of".

I know she's been in many hardships, her parents divorced, financial issues, she couldn't have her dream job of being a doctor (she's an engineer now), yet she's never vented, because she's always been positive? That's some anime BS where the main guy says that! BS! I'm not digging a hole, am I? I'm telling the truth. Cynicism and hopelessness works because I'm not chasing fake happiness, I'm seeking the real truth. Again, it's embarrassing I'm having a "friendship" with my Moomy and not another person from class! Who even does that now? I don't even know anyone online! She's lying!

i applied to this academic org. in my school a while back and i was in the group on our school website when the congrats post was sent out. i just found out i had no access to the group today and sent an email to the advisor who said i never submitted the form. i am crashing out because i don't understand why i wouldn't have been removed before the congrats post was sent out if my form was really not submitted. i remember clearly the screen saying "your form has been submitted" but the form did not allow me to save my response, so now i have no record of me actually submitting the form. i just feel like my future is ruined because this was really important to me. i have a google doc where i typed up my answers and obviously i have the version history for that, and my parents are going to talk to the principal, but i just don't know if that will be enough because there is no evidence of me submitting the form unless it's from their end. and again, they said they 'triple checked' and i hadn't submitted it. is it possible they're out to get me or something? i just feel lost.

Moomy, sorry if I swear in some of these and please promise not to get angry because I haven’t told anyone this and I feel like crap anyways

I couldn't finish 3 of my exams. I couldn't the last 2 questions of biology, I couldn't finish 1 section in Hindi, and I couldn't finish half the paper in maths. I will fail even all the subjects. Maybe I didn't study enough for all of them. I'm a failure to everyone. I'm a failure in life. I don't have friends, I studied but I didn't have practice, I'm apparently rude to everyone and everything, I can't even draw like my beloved artists, I can't do art in the future because you'll replace me, and I won't pass school next year. It may be the second term and I have one more, but it's not enough. I'm not enough. I've never been. The list should've helped me because I would've been a great human, not the defective fetus my parents were given. That's all I am. Failure. Always will be, unless I figure out a way to just stop. Stop harming others with this mess, because my existence of failing alone is bad.

Nobody wants a failure, nobody wants to fail. Because look where failure got others. People failed to check the reactor core of Chernobyl, many people of Ukraine and other countries died. Someone scored very low in school, he was held back a year and continues like that, even though he's happy now. Someone failed a driving test, so they never drive again because they probably ran over someone. Someone failed an exam, and their parents beat the hell out of them or they get horrible treatment. Someone out there failed to get his family any food in a poor village and they die. Someone who was a topper in 8th became a failure in 12th and never ever got accepted to any college EVER. See? Failure hurts and it destroys. It’s like a cancer, a mutation which occurs when a DNA code fails. Failure’s a prion, a cancer, a mutation. I hate it when books tell kids in school, failure should help you learn. It helped me learn to not fail and resent it. My parents may have been fine, but I don't care. I'm a failure, and I should leave the house because I said so. Dad's right when he says lots of Indian families hate failure, I should too. He's not right when he says it's not good. Stop lying, dad!

Look where it f—king got me. I feel like I failed in everything. How am I gonna make it in this world? I won't. If I fail in one more thing, I'm a useless child. I hate it when they say you can learn and do better from failure. I hate it when dad says not to fear failure. Look where failure got others in the real world! Death! Destruction! Famine! Held back a year! Loss of friends! Abuse! More death! This will happen to me. It will. Didn't failure hurt them?

That's why I'm a problem. I may have been born by loving parents, but right now I feel like they secretly hate me, even though they seem fine. I burnt everything I touched, maybe this fail is it. I failed at maintaining 1 friend, at succeeding exams, at being nice and humorous, at being smart, at looking good and being in the trend, many things. I'm pathetic. I'm the worst thing ever to happen. Why even though I studied I couldn't finish the paper? I'm too slow like a snail, that is! I’m fat, ogre-like and as ugly as someone’s hairy armpits. I hate it when my mom said not to think on her behalf. Making predictions is what we do. Stock workers do it to predict the market trends. Even if she scored 5th topper IN SCHOOL, why is she telling me she also failed? It's a lie! Farce! Fake! Farzi! She's lying that she failed. She's not showing love, it's a story she cooked out of her mother-head to comfort her child. If I hate myself, I'll get better. I'm a worthless, useless, piece of sh-t, v—na candle smelling, stupid, pig-like, hairy, baboon-ish creature who deserves to not live for all her f—king failures. If I hate myself, I'll get better. Isn't it how it works? I admit my failure, I remind myself of them again and again, and I'll improve. It’s what I’ve been told by someone I don’t remember a long time ago.

My high was a waste. My high of feeling better and more confident was an utter waste pulled out my a-s that I really regret because I feel so stupid. Don’t try to convince me failure is good for me. Failure is bad for everyone. Remember my examples? They’re true! I feel more useless than ever. Like my high of positivity and small confidence was wasted. What do you mean I should think more positive, if this is the sandpit it got me to? I hate it when people say it. I’m sorry, but I also hate the fact even my own family hates cynicism and honesty, even though dad embodies both. Hatred of oneself happens when that person understands they are nothing more than their flaws. I’m nothing more than a stupid, short, fat, hairy, ugly, brace-faced, curly-haired, unskilled, lazy, abusive sister, daughter, girl and even human being. Being “positive” is stupid. Look where hoping got me. I didn’t f-cking finish the goddamn paper. My hope that I will finish was a farce and a fart. Listen here, stupid sheeple. POSITIVITY GETS YOU NOWHERE. Say it louder for the people at the back! Don’t tell me to care for myself and look at things to make me happy. Don’t tell me to “LIST PAST ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS WELL AS THINGS

YOU’RE LOOKING FORWARD TO.” “LOOK AT POSITIVE IMAGES AND THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS TO CHANGE YOUR MOOD.” or even the stupidest, dumbest and most STINKIEST one, “WRITE DOWN NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND THEN RIP THEM UP OR THROW THEM AWAY.” How the actual hell does ripping up your negative make you better? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANYONE FEEL BETTER, FAKE SCIENTIST! I’M A PRODIGY, A TINFOIL-WEARER IN THE MATRIX OF FOOLS! DON’T SAY SUCH STUPIDITY, YOU HAGS, SLOTHS, MORONS, HAIR-EATERS!

Dad now thinks I’m a lying, dramatic, piece-of-sh-t daughter who’s only doing this to piss him off. Wow, great observation father! I just love how smart you are! I’m not upset, I’m aroused! I AM a psychopathic, cringe daughter! I am the Belle Gibson wannabe who successfully fooled the goddamn world into thinking she’s got cancer, when bloody lady’s got everything fine and set out for her! I’m a girl who’s farting out problems, and using my tongue! Ever considered cutting it off and removing my teeth? B-TCH?! WANNA F-CKING HURT ME? GO AHEAD. Not that you care if whatever I’m going through now is real or fake, I’m Belle Gibson, Moriarty, Kokichi, all chronic liars! I’M A LIE! And lies deserve to be killed and obliterated by God! IS GOD EVEN REAL? I don’t care, go ahead! Send me away to a sh-t Indian school where nobody cares and they all beat and probably r-pe me, because guess what, I’m toughening up! I’m having the ass of a monkey, callouses as hard a stone!! I’M THE LIAR I’M THE LIAR I’M THE LIAR GOD IS REAL I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED I’M A LIAR I DESERVE TO NOT HAVE LOVE I’M A LIAR AND I SHOULD BE JAILED AND TORTURED AND R-PED AND KILLED AND SLAUGHTERED AND EATEN!!

So don’t even begin to think about how I can improve, because I can never, ever, ever succeed next unit, or ever, in life for ANYTHING. Plain and simple, 1 + 1 = 2.

I’m really needing to vent about my current relationship. We’ve been together for 2.5 years now, living together for 1.5 years. I am starting to lose hope in our relationship. When we first started dating we agreed to get engaged around 3 years together. He promised me he wouldn’t make me wait that long, 2.5 years at max. Well now we are at that mark and he hasn’t done anything to move it along. Ive mentioned it to him numerous times and I genuinely feel like if we make it to year 3 without that commitment then I’m throwing in the towel. At least moving out, if not completely ending the relationship. We are in our 30s and I have fertility issues as is. We are both steady in our careers and our families love us together and get along great. We have some money saved up as well. I want to have kids within the next 3 years and he says he does too. Additionally, my mother passed away five years ago and my father is passing from dementia. It would mean the world to me for my dad to at least be there when I’m engaged, which I have expressed to my partner. At this point it seems we’re on different pages. I really don’t want to start over with someone new but I feel like we don’t have the same priorities and it’s becoming so exhausting. I’m really looking for some advice because I feel so helpless…

sorry wrong category maybe again, i would consider this to be about personal shortcomings but couldnt find it

im wondering right now how does all the rich gigachad men not be sensitive and stay cool always, i never understood it but im aware im too sensitive and reactive, too irritable, i hate how little control i have over so many things in life, how i would improve the world and do things differently, but its fucking my mental health seriously and idk how to overcome it, i want it to stop and me not have to act on everything or be worried too much, how would gigachad men handle this and be more happy cuz bad thoughts dont easily effect them

When I moved in with my dads parents his mom said that I could bring my 2 cats with me and now she made me put their litter box outside because according to her its making her house stink even though its upstairs in the bathoom in a corner and the bathroom is in my bedroom to which I havent smelt it I only smell it when I need to clean it. Shes also been accusing my cats of spraying because she smells cat spray even though my dad and grandpa have both been upstairs with me and havent smelt cat spray (My dad claims he can smell a sneeze on peoples hands so I believe if he cant smell it then they arent spraying). Thinks they will have more joy outside when I keep telling her yes they were inside outside cats at my previous place but she wont listen and she also wants them to hunt rats/mice for her.

So me and my girlfriend hav been dating for around 5 months and it's been amazing I've never felt happier. Until recently she's become really obsessive and stopping me from going out with friends and family because when I do she tells me that I'm ignoring her and threatens to hurt herself and a bunch of other stuff. I love her to bits but her change has really put me out of it and idk what to do

I couldn't finish 3 of my exams. I couldn't the last 2 questions of biology, I couldn't finish 1 section in Hindi, and I couldn't finish half the paper in maths. I will fail even all the subjects. Maybe I didn't study enough for all of them. I'm a failure to everyone. I'm a failure in life. I don't have friends, I studied but I didn't have practice, I'm apparently rude to everyone and everything, I can't even draw like my beloved artists, I can't do art in the future because you'll replace me, and I won't pass school next year. It may be the second term and I have one more, but it's not enough. I'm not enough. I've never been. The list should've helped me because I would've been a great human, not the defective fetus my parents were given. That's all I am. Failure. Always will be, unless I figure out a way to just stop. Stop harming others with this mess, because my existence of failing alone is bad.

Nobody wants a failure, nobody wants to fail. Because look where failure got others. People failed to check the reactor core of Chernobyl, many people of Ukraine and other countries died. Someone scored very low in school, he was held back a year and continues like that, even though he's happy now. Someone failed a driving test, so they never drive again because they probably ran over someone. Someone failed an exam, and their parents beat the hell out of them or they get horrible treatment. Someone out there failed to get his family any food in a poor village and they die. See? Failure hurts and it destroys. I hate it when books tell kids in school failure should help you learn. It helped me learn to not fail and resent it. My parents may have been fine, but I don't care. I'm a failure, and I should leave the house because I said so. Dad's right when he says lots of Indian families hate failure, I should too. He's not right when he says it's not good.

Look where it fucking got me. I feel like I failed in everything. How am I gonna make it in this world? I won't. If I fail in one more thing, I'm a useless child. I hate it when they say you can learn and do better from failure. I hate it when dad says not to fear failure. Look where failure got others in the real world! Death! Destruction! Famine! Held back a year! Abuse! More death! This will happen to me. It will. Didn't failure hurt them?

That's why I'm a problem. I may have been born by loving parents, but right now I feel like they secretly hate me, even though they seem fine. I burnt everything I touched, maybe this fail is it. I failed at maintaining 1 friend, at succeeding exams, at being nice and humorous, at being smart, at looking good and being in the trend, many things. I'm pathetic. I'm the worst thing ever to happen. Why even though I studied I couldn't finish the paper? I'm too slow like a snail, that is! I hate it when my mom said not to think on her behalf. Making predictions is what we do. So even if she scored 5th topper IN SCHOOL, why is she telling me she also failed? It's a lie! Farce! She's lying that she failed. She's not showing love, it's a story she cooked out of her ass. If I hate myself, I'll get better. I'm a worthless, useless, piece of shit, vagina candle smelling, stupid, pig-like, hairy, baboon-ish creature who deserves to not live for all her fucking failures.

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for around 10 months now and at first we were the typical couple holding hands and stuff but over the past few weeks she's become overly obsessive and she's been wanting tabs on me everywhere I go and she wants me to always be with her and when I'm not with her she tries to ruin my day by saying she's been crying and stuff which makes me feel bad so I leave what I'm doing with friends to go to her. Overall this has just made me lose friends and made me spiral into a depression and I don't know what to do about it.

I find it interesting how some parents like to throw the word selfish around when their child does not want to comply with something. Due to the recent conflict with my mom, I've decided on my own that from this point on, I don't really want to talk to her anymore. Stepdad tried to tell me to go talk with my mom because "you gotta have a normal relationship with your mom", but for more than a decade, I don't remember the environment at home being entirely "normal". Maybe at this point I'm being really petty, I don't know anymore. I know, however, that my decision isn't coming out of nowhere.

Everytime there was conflict between me and them, after a few minutes, I'd hear them talking like nothing happened, while I'd be in my room frustrated and stewing. If the conflict was between me and stepdad, my mom would "talk" with me about how "I should be more gentle with him" or "if something happens to him, we're screwed". She never actually asked me what I felt about the conflicts. When she's the one I have a conflict with, I'm expected to be cool and to just get over it. Stepdad has this philosophy, by the way, where he goes "it's no use sulking, it's a waste of time". I feel that would apply only if there's an actual conversation about it and if every party involved recognizes their faults. I have almost never heard an apology coming from either stepdad or my mom except one time each, when I was younger.

One when I was little where my mom slapped me because I got an answer wrong with a math problem (which was actually the second or third time she did that). I think the only reason she didn't do that again was because I was having a walk with my mom and we started talking to these grown men who were drinking a beer or something ? And at some point, I told them that my mom beat me because I was getting the answers wrong in a math problem.

I don't remember what stepdad was apologizing to me about, but I do remember saying "you better be sorry" to him. That was a few years ago, I think. Like, 3-4 years ago ? By that point, I already didn't like him all that much because he kept making jokes at my expense like calling me a "maid" or he would sometimes tell me how "daughters in other families would sometimes massage their fathers feet" or "daughters in other families call their dads "father".

I also clearly remember how, when I was little, he was checking out other women passing by in the streets when he was picking my mom up from work, and I would always tell him "hey, you already have a wife". In response to that, he was just like "awww, she's protecting her mom". It was a subject of jokes recently (a few weeks before the conflict with my mom), when we were invited in my stepsister's house. Even she was laughing along about that, and my mom did too.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, stepdad just told me how he didn't appreciate how I didn't approach my mom, that it's disgustingly selfish and that, with everything she did for me recently, I should go thank her and offer her some emotional support because she was sad that her mom, my grandma, died. The way I saw it was, she didn't come to me once to apologize (because I should be the first one to apologize according to her), she expects me to be cool with everything after she gives me food, even though there was no actual conversation and I should just suck it up basically and pretend there's no problem. I do not want to pretend everything's fine, which is why I behave this way. This is not the first time they acted like nothing happened, and I'm tired of it. So in response to saying all that to him, I clearly told him that with this conflict that happened, I don't want to talk to her anymore, and her expecting me to apologize first is hypocritical in my opinion. Please tell me what you think, because maybe there's a part of me that did something wrong when I acted out of self preservation