Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 5

I study international relations at university, and every day I feel like I'm not smart enough, I feel stupid. It's hard for me to read and understand the material, it's hard for me to learn English (and after all these years of studying it, I still don't fully understand how to use different tenses, etc.), it's hard for me to gain the knowledge that I will need in the future. I can't read and memorize material, I have some kind of concentration problem I don't know, and any noise distracts me. I read the material, but it doesn't stick in my head. I don't know how to write reports properly, I use artificial intelligence and hate myself for it, I want to stop, but I don't know how, I was never taught this, and I don't know how to learn to write them myself. I don't have time for anything. The last time I allowed myself to really relax was in the summer, almost two months ago, because since September I've been completely immersed in my studies. I spend all my time studying, and even so, I get minimal results. I have a group of friends, and for the second year (because I've been studying here for two years), I feel like the dumbest one in our group. I always get lower grades. They have more knowledge, and they study for free because they scored high on the national test, while I failed it, and now my mom has to pay for my education, and I feel guilty about it because I let her down, since she is the only one who earns money. Today we had to pass a document (we had to translate excerpts from the UNESCO Constitution from English into our native language and vice versa). I prepared for this as best I could, considering the amount of other homework I had. I tried very hard, and I was so exhausted that for the last few days I started crying over anything, especially because of fatigue. I thought that I would pass this test today and be able to relax with peace of mind over the weekend, finally letting go a little. But I failed. 7/10, although I really hoped that the teacher would give me an 8,( I don't think I translated that badly). What also upset me was that he said in front of my classmates that he wouldn't give me an 8 because, frankly, I did much worse than Vika (my classmate who doesn't like me very much and we are like rivals). I was so ashamed, I begged him, humiliated myself, asking to retake the exam, take another test and translate, anything, just for an 8. But he said to try my luck next week, on Thursday, with the other part of my group. I left so upset because this had already happened in my first year — I got a 7 and had to retake the exam (I could have stayed with that grade, but I have a perfectionist syndrome kinda, partly because of my family, so I also spent my time then in hysterics over that grade). Then I saw that my friend had written in our friends' chat that she had gotten a 9/10. That broke me. I'm happy for her, really, I just don't understand why I can't be the same. I don't understand why I couldn't get the same satisfactory grade, why I'm doing something wrong, why I'm never good enough, why I always come across as stupid. And I'm sick of how they (my friends) try to convince me otherwise. When they always get everything right. Never once did they needed to retake the exam. And then they tell me that the grade doesn't describe me. I would say the same thing if I had such knowledge, such grades. I don't want to talk to them now, I start crying when I go into the chat and read how great my friend feels now after the exam and how good she feels, how everyone congratulates her on her good grade, when I spent the day crying and thinking why I couldn't do the same. Did I not study enough? I don't get enough sleep because of my studies, I'm not hanging out with my friends (on the internet, we usually got together to watch a movie) because I'm busy studying all day long. And now I not only have to be ashamed next Thursday and retake the exam, but also do piles of homework. There is really a lot of it, every single day, and even several pieces, and now I can't take the burden of this document off my shoulders. I am very tired, in fact, I want to rest, I want to sleep well, I want to enjoy my life, but I can't. I no longer believe that I can achieve anything in life, that this is for me and that I will be successful, I no longer believe in anything. And I don't want anything. I pray to God every day that he would just take me while I'm sleeping, or even not necessarily while I'm sleeping. I just can't take it anymore, and I don't understand how others do it, how they manage. And now, even now, I can't relax, I'm doing my homework, and on the weekend I'll be doing work for the institute. And we don't have vacation until January. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this.

I'll try to keep this short... No promises...

I'll start out by saying... My family live so far under the poverty line, we have to skip out on food if we want clothes, and skip out on both if we want anything remotely 'decently priced' for the 'normalized' household as of where I live. It's a miracle we even have a home phone at this rate.

Anyways... About a month ago, when my family finally thought everything was finally looking good (not terribly shit, but not very good. Just good for our standards...), my mom got deathly sick. We were calling an ambulance every night for a week, and they wouldn't let us stay for the night. Not even just my mom. During one of her stays, she was pumped with SO MUCH FUCKING MORPHINE, IT WAS LITERALLY ABOVE OVERDOSE LEVELS. It didn't do a fucking thing for her pain. It was only the fifth stay that they finally even uttered the thought of going for a scan after a literal decade of my mother trying to explain to the doctors that she needs a scan done (she's the daughter of a missionary [not involved with the military] nurse [who didn't do anything for her sicknesses, but would for everyone else]).

When the scan came in, turns out her lower back is broken and pinching nerves on her left. The cartilage has been worn and torn down over years of abuse and wear.

Even though I had a cold at the time, and having just cut my hand open with a wood carving knife in class, I walked halfway across town (hour walk) to get her meds that may or may not work.

Thankfully, they do work, but unfortunately, only a little bit. After another couple days of suffering, screaming, and crying in pain at home, we call another ambulance, and the pharmacist, explaining the situation.

We get her stronger meds (enough to make the pharmacist give us overdose kits) and they kind of work finally.

Can you guess what else is happening with all of this? A friend of hers has been hitting on her the whole time, before and after. My mother has a fiance, and he knows it.

I cannot explain how much I hate this friend of hers. He helps out a little bit, but other than that, all I hear is constant sexual jokes or comments, and I can't handle it anymore. Every guy friend anyone has had in this family, always gets a crush on one of us, or is horny. And God forbid we get any female friends. It's basically impossible.

Might I add... This same 'horny' male friend of my mom... Even commented about me. I'm still a minor. This man is in his fifties. I cannot express how much I want to stop my mom every time he sends her a text to hangout, or calls to hangout.

So... Practically dying mom, stressed out brother whose trying to find a job/ join the army with much difficulty, and a fifty year old man hitting on my mom, and sometimes commenting about me, making me just want to puke. Sounds lovely. I can't even express this though. My mom is already dealing with all the mental problems that comes with being abused since childhood, and now her broken back. I can't talk to my brother because he's not exactly strong mentally, and I don't mean to make him sound bad, but he's not the best with the kind of comfort I need. No therapists have worked, and now all I can do is sit quietly with a happy little smile while I watch life crumble before me. No meds work, no comfort food works, no comfort drinks work, no comfort activities work. And the things that do work? We can't afford them.

I just want to cry, to scream, to punch something. But I literally just can't. I don't do well with pain, I hate screaming because then someone will hear me, and crying just doesn't make anything better. It only makes it worse in my case. Trust me, I've already tried crying.

It's been about a month of all of this, and a certain someone who we helped out not too long ago (a homeless woman) has come back to say hi. The only problem... She went against every rule we had, took whatever she wanted really, even my own meds that keep me from getting sick and having a seizure. She did crack on the front porch, was basically a whore when she went elsewhere, and now that she's back... She leaves all her shit in front of our windows.

Might I add in... We live in a God damn apartment building. She was warned multiple times, and we have kicked others out for doing this same shit even after being told and given chances.

And let me tell you... This isn't even the tip of the iceberg in my life... I just needed to get this one out. I'm finally getting pushed over the edge here.

Ok SO. Im 18 (afab) and my father has been raising me on his own since I was like 3?? He himself has gone through an abusive and pretty traumatic life, however since I could think it has been... exhausting. To live with him. The alternative is worse, and I have literally no where to go. He likes saying rude (homophobic, demeaning, racist whatever you can think of) things because he thinks my reaction is "funny". FUNNY. like yeah sure me getting upset because I do not understand youre joking is FUNNY. Ive always, ALWAYS struggled with tone and in general social stuff. I dont know why, ive tried to get better but its literally a guessing game for me especially with my father but in general with everyone. My father has always had high expectations for me, he used to get REALLY mad at a C, he has gotten used to it in certain subjects yet hes still like "You wont get your Abi with this" (Im german, abitur is a qualification for University). Hes also really weird sometimes. as in. he will joke about me being his mother or girlfriend, even when i have explicitly asked him to stop. He also constantly threats throwing me out if I dont behave how he wants. I know he has had a rough life. I KNOW THAT. But i also know it doesnt excuse whatever the hell he does. He belittles me and then afterwards acts like a knight in shining armour, like "dont think those things about yourself!" like i didnt until YOU mentioned it! He also thinks I have BPD or some shit for no reason (he has refused to get me therapy multiple times) like hey. If you think I got something THEN GET ME INTO THERAPY LIKE I HAVE ASKED YOU TO. He can constantly track where I am, hes worried about me. i get it. BUT I TURN 19 THIS YEAR. show an OUNCE of trust in me. I have gotten like. everything I need in life, I ask for anything material, I will most likely get it from him sometimes in the future, but hey! Wild thought! Maybe you shouldve TAUGHT ME how to handle my emotions! I dont know how to do this shit! And hes not helping with yelling at me when I start crying about how im crying for no reason and that im an adult! This is all over the place im sorry its like 2 AM and i did this on the spot because im just. tired. I dont wanna end it or anything, my friends would be too sad for that but im just. So so tired. I dont feel like I have achieved anything with my life, i dont think im good at anything, i dont like who I am or how I look. I also dont know how to change it because whenever I try asking for help people reassure me that im fine the way I am. "Youre not annoying" "Eventually youll feel like youre good at something!" "Once you moved out everything will be better!" But what if its not? What if im just doomed? I know its stupid, im 18 I have like a century ahead of me. But it also feel like im just pushing a boulder up a hill. I want to be better, i want to move more but whenever I try to I literally cant. Its like my brain doesnt allow me to. And I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to. Like im not gonna unload all this shit on my friends? They know most of the story but I act fine now. And I have no other parent, no other adult to confide in. Again. sorry. All over the place and really depressing i suppose.

My dad and my mom divorced when I was 8, and my mom took me in the custody. Around that time, both my mom and dad were drug users and it affected me badly. But thats a story for another time. Either way is that, my dad rarely called or talked to me. The times he did call was good, until he got a girlfriend and all hell broke lose. When I was ten, I remember distinctly she kicked me and him out of the house, and threw my favorite book away. It was almost 100 degrees outside and we had to walk almost five hours. It was straight up miserable. Everytime I even tried to talk to him, she was there to pick a fight with my mom and take it out on me. My mom is sober now, and I think thats what causing her to be angrier. Or maybe its because she thinks im a threat. Im fifteen, and I guess she doesn't like it. She has made some vague rapey threats towards me infront of him. Ive left crying his house multiple times. But hes not innocent either, he has repeatedly never talked to me unless its every six months. He went to my eighth grade graduation, but it ended in disaster anyway with her texting me. Every hang out with him is a disaster, I started to get the urge to completely cut him out a few months ago when we were trying to have an all weekend hang out together before my school started. But, his girlfriend called and called me and my mother a bunch of names. She called me a whorish bastard child. Now, after I keep making effort to reach out, this last hang out ended with her texting me and saying alot of mean things again. I told my mom, and she decided that it was enough. She told me not to contact him until he got his act together, because hes letting her act this way or so she said. But I feel bad, maybe im sensitive and blocking him was too much but I sent him a rude text and now I feel guilty. Because she probably read that text and now im sure that she hates me too when I tried to be harmless. I dont know if I should block him or apologize but being around that was genuinely making me hurt myself.

I feel. I feel things harder than anyone else. I know it sounds bad but I just… I really want to be different. Like a whole different person. And I can’t do that in this life time. I want to be a mom, welder, doctor, social worker, teacher, boss, an artist, writer. Everything.

But I’ve honestly thought I’d be better off writing? I think I’m not bad… but not good…? My thoughts collide like magnets? Both want each other but if you change it slightly it wants out?

But I’ve often felt my body is disgusting, my mind, my work, and my damn past. I want to be a good writer. But I don’t have the energy.

And I’ve often wanted to rip body parts off me? Even hurt myself. But I’m too cowardly.

i've been cyberbully in the internet more than one month. to make it worse, i got doxxed by someone (they spread my phone number and pictures).. idk what should i do cuz i only asked several question and i was mad for the unfair treatment for a day but they cyberbully more than one month (i believe this will continue forever) any suggestion what should i do to avoid this stress..? the way only some of my friends comfort me.. :(

I've always been the kind of person who can do well academically, especially when the lecturer is kind to me. but this semester, there's a lecturer who keeps having issues with me. I completed my assignment and everything, but she deducted marks just because I didn’t show her my progress.hat day, I had to go to the hospital for a therapy appointment. when we got our marks today, most of my classmates got 27 or 28 out of 30, while I only got 22. I was so frustrated and I couldn’t hold myself back from hurting myself.

Hey there, folks. So, I'm a 31-year-old guy, and I got a little thing going on that's starting to bug me. I can't stop laughing at everything. Literally, everything. Just last week, I received a not-so-good appraisal at work. Imagine sitting there with your manager who’s all serious and in-the-zone, saying, "Steve, you just don't seem to take anything seriously," and all I can think about is whether he too smirks when he sees funny cat videos 🐱. But really, it's becoming an issue. The corporate world wants commitment and focus, and here I am, laughing my head off at the smallest things like a sitcom on a constant loop.

This wasn't always a problem. Before this job, I worked in a startup where humor was almost part of the job description. We had ping-pong tables, bean bags, and a boss who laughed louder than any comedy club crowd. But now, things are... different. 😅🫤

I'm in a structured environment where meetings use terms like "KPIs," "cross-functional synergy," and "enterprise risk management." It feels like my inclination to laugh doesn't fit the bill. My manager's talking about the fiscal year-end, and I'm biting my lip trying to suppress a chuckle thinking, "Where did my carefree emoji moment go?"

So here's my question: How can one dial down the humor radar? Some might say maturity, but does growing older mean shedding away that joyous laughter; that isn't the solution I'm looking for. I'd miss the light-hearted me. Luckily, I think there's still hope. I remember reading on some blog once, "Laughter is the best medicine, but it's about the dosage." Maybe that's the trick? Moderation. Learn to redirect when it's time to listen and laugh later.

And still, I ponder over whether I can do it. Would mediation help to calm down spontaneous giggles? Could immersing myself more in serious articles, like the economics section of the newspaper, create balance? Some say it's about training the mind, and I bet they're right. But I’m hopeful that with practice, I'll learn to contain it when necessary and still keep that lively side of me intact. After all, if we don't occasionally laugh at a good ol' meme, are we even living life to its fullest?

bassically, its only like the third day back at school? and my mental health has already plumetted. like people decide to just drop their shit on me and run like its the wind. one of my friends wont stop traumadumping whenever I'm near. and another is just going around showing videos of him cutting himself. and everyone is just constantly dropping their trauma onto my back without asking. nor do they ever consider it might be fucking triggering.

idk like my hobbies aint hitting the same anymore. everythings so gray and dull. im trying to not be suicidal here but its not giving me many options. ive tried song writing but all my guitar stuff is pretty depressing, angry or something made by a stoner. i have no purpose, nobody needs me. i think thats a thingy thats making me depressed/bored too.. and uhh im not dead yet! i failed miserably at suicide and i somehow managed to hide it from my parents. they are lowkey idiots.

lol sorry for the mods reading trough all my geeked ass posts. hope you have a splendid day today.

but yeah any tips? or stuff to do in general?

me and my friend have been friends for years ever since I first met her we have been inseparable. Honestly it was amazing since all my friends before that had bullied or ghosted me. Now it has been years and I made another friend who is suffering abuse I support her but she ignores me and doesnt care about me or this friendship when a year ago we were close friends have I done somthing wrong now my old friend we were still inseparable I do so much for her I sat with her when she was incredibly sick I stould up for her we did most things together I made sure everything was good for her. And what she does in return I'm joking around she threatens me, she hits me a lot in painful ways it just well it was usually there when I got irritating but now her and my other friends have been hanging out without me lying about her being at the library which i respected and I just found out and she even once I didn't want to be friends with someone but didnt feel ready to say it I told her that she still told them. she not only calls me weird but also I view her as a sister at this point but shes cancelling playdates and ghosting me and when we talk she is usually in class. I just want my friends back she also sided with my old bully who gave me self harming thoughts years ago which I still feel sometimes over me

I don't know what im doing but im skipping school in th bathroom and i dont know what to do bc i just want to end it all but nothings helpingand i keep waiting and wairing for things to get better and they never do and im tired of it

you abandoned me, and for what? nothing. I did nothing to you and you left me. so you know what? go die for all I care.

so I woke up this morning and started at the ceiling and was like why? why do I try? why do I live? What's the point of doing anything if it doesn't matter in the end?

and

now

youve

got

me

thinking

I WISH I COULD BE A GIRL

AND THAT WAY

YOUD WISH I COULD BE YOUR

GIRLFRIEND

BOYFRIEND

AM I PRETTY ENOUGH

TO LOVE BACK

NO

NOT

YET!!!!!!!

I WISH I COULD BE A GIRL

AND REALLY

ID PREFER IT IF YOU WOULD USE

I

ME

MYSELF

AM I PRETTY ENOUGH

AM I PRETTY ENOUGH

TO FUCKING D-