Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 2

[Translated from Tagalog. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Fuck, I don’t want this anymore, I’m so fucking tired. I’m already super stressed and exhausted with everything that’s happening here at home and at school. I’m so pressured and all because of my entrance exams that are getting closer, and I’m always reviewing, always hungry, always with nothing to eat—fuck—because my parents have no idea how to handle their money, especially my dad. And he even got hospitalized. Fuck, I know that’s not his fault, but fuck—he said he was going to resign from his company because the workplace is already so toxic and he’s always stressed and overworked there, but he still stayed.

He ghosted me and my family here for almost one month already. We don’t have anything left to pay the bills and loans, fuck that shit. It’s always just debts after debts, and then it turns out he can’t even pay them. He acts like he’s rich, with all these debts he has to pay, and then he makes promises to me like it’s cool—but it’s not. It hurts so much because every promise you made to me—on my birthday, I didn’t even receive a single “happy birthday” from you. Fucking hell.

Are you that ashamed of me already? You should be, fuck, but why would you even ghost us?? What you did was wrong. You should’ve just apologized instead of not talking to us, especially to me. Fuck. And now what? Always hungry. They keep saying I need to understand the situation—fuck??? Am I always the one who has to understand?? Haven’t you learned your lessons from before, when it’s always debts, enjoy now then starve later??? Fuck, it’s always like this.

Good thing I’m still studying hard. I even graduated with high honors. I’m the one searching for whatever universities and scholarships I can apply to. I already pity myself. I’m sick too, you know. There’s not even a cure yet, fuck. You might as well just kill me, fuck. When are you going to change? When will you all learn your fucking lessons? It’s always like this, always, fucking hell.

And now you’re saying you’re tired? Yeah, people get tired—but I’ve been tired of you for a long time already. Did I complain? Did I scream at you? Did I say awful words to you? No. But you? You did all of that to me just because you were tired, fucking hell. Then you shouldn’t have had children in the first place if you couldn’t even support us. Fuck. And then you make us experience and feel what poverty is like. You already went through hardship yourselves—why repeat it again? And then it’s like it’s our fault that we’re alive?? Fuck.

I’ve been tired for so long already. That’s why I ended up having a severe illness with no cure, hahaha. I was so depressed, but you didn’t even know that. I’m so fucking tired. I’m hungry. I want to rest. I’m dizzy. I was supposed to review for my exams tomorrow, and I ended up writing this fucking vent because you were screaming at me without knowing that that was literally my last straw. I’m tired, sleep-deprived, can’t eat properly, hungry. And then you still scream at me and say horrible things?? Fuck.

Anxiety is why we're alive. We survived mammoths, saber-tooth tigers, big lizards probably, deadly insects, and all that. It's why I'm not drowning in the ocean, just swimming in the pool, which I quit as well because I didn't enjoy swimming as a sport. It's why no shark has eaten me thinking I'm a fish. Yes I know why they accidentally eat humans sometimes, they think we're food, they're kinda dumb at times, not evil. Dolphins, though... Still, my grandpa's family only got lucky, being fishermen and all. How did my grandpa even live near the shores of Kerala, fishing and living in a hut before he grew up to be a doctor in Mangalore with a big house? Dad said the tides of the Arabian Sea are deadly, so how did grandpa live? How did my older cousin casually swim on the shore, when the tides looked huge? The ocean isn't safe. How am I even alive? On one hand, I was born with a cleft palate, because LiFe DeCiDeD BeCaUsE I wAs A gIrL (apparently it's more common in girls with isolated cleft palates), yet I got it fixed and I didn't require a speech therapist, I got eczema at 3 and newfound cat and dust allergies at 12, yet I didn't die. I ate salmon and all sorts of fish, except for the very niche ones (shark, stingray, all that), yet I didn't get any swollen throat stuff or anaphylactic reactions. Maybe I'll get a lobster allergy as a new one because my mom has one where her throat gets super itchy if she eats a lot, otherwise, no anaphylaxis.

I can confidently say that about my brother, bro got the very early stages of pneumonia, he got hospitalized with an IV drip for 2 days. Even before that, he'd had to use the nebulizer so many times during winter especially. He's fine now, and he rarely uses it at 11.5, but me? Nah, my body decided, "Let's give you more allergies!" I love cats, but I have to force myself to enjoy the marine life only because of allergies. My grandma's asthma lasted until she's 65 now, and NOW she can only walk with cats. Back then, even when I was a baby, nah. This is it, I'll end up like my grandma and ancestors. My great-granny even had eczema. I can't even pet cats now! I can't bury my face in it and be like normal people, I'd have to wear a mask and woolen gloves. I went to a park and a cat got so comfortable with me, it went on my lap and lied down, and when I wanted to move, it didn't scratch or bite me, he just jumped off, eyes still sleepy. I rubbed his face, and then I started sneezing and my eyes got red. My mom got me bubble tea later on in the park, it was good, but still, I can't be normal. I'd have to move towards fish because well, they can't produce Fel d 1, they just look at you like you're their food god. Still, they don't love me, they just exist and move in schools. And I obviously can't own a dolphin because I hate them and whales are...bruh. They're loving, but they're HUMONGOUS.

I've LOOKED at cats far too long, but it's fine. Most hate humans anyways. Dogs to me are kinda scary. How do people even have cats with allergies? Heck, Mayo Clinic says this, "If you don't have a pet but are considering adopting or buying one, make sure you don't have pet allergies before making the commitment." WebMD says, "If you or a family member has cat allergies, you shouldn't have a cat in the home...Protect yourself. When around cats, wear a mask with an N95 respirator, and wash your hands with soap and water if you touch them (where am I even gonna get that?)..." And then they say this, "Cat allergy symptoms happen due to proteins in a cat's saliva, urine, and dander, affecting around 10% of people in the U.S. Even if you're not allergic to cats, they can bring in other allergens from outside. While some breeds are "hypoallergenic," any cat has the potential to cause issues. Symptoms of a cat allergy include coughing, wheezing, itchy eyes, and skin irritation, often showing up quickly after contact. To confirm an allergy, consult a doctor for tests, and consider avoiding cats altogether if you or a family member is allergic. Treatment options include antihistamines, decongestants, nasal steroid sprays, and allergy shots, though prevention remains the best approach." The more I tell myself I shouldn't own a cat, the more I'll get used to the lack of affection from pretty but essentially emotionally unintelligent fish. That park cat just somehow trusted me more, which stray-wise, big mistake, it should've tried to scratch me like normal cats when I wanted it to get off. Again, cats hate humans anyways, why else would most pet cats not care about you and demand you serve them? I'll stick to fish, at least it's more predictable when they ask you for food, nice water and nice rocks. I've learnt to wish less for what I want.

What's wrong with what I did? Accept that you'll get less, the more you'll accept that you are less. There's one cosplay event I wanna go, and even though it's in April, I'm scared of failing exams the month before and it not feeling worth it, even if my parents will try to support. They're weird for not yelling at me for scoring low marks last exam. They yelled at me more when I said, "I'm stupid, that's why I failed." I don't even know cosplaying, so what's the point, I'm gonna mock myself in the future for even trying and looking ugly. I'm new at dancing as well, so in the class after I had to do it solo, the students clapped without the teacher telling them, and I asked one of them if they're just clapping because they had to and I know I'm not good, then she looked at me, baffled, told the teacher, and he said I "did alright, good enough", and she said she did worse than me early on. No way. They usually say that to appear humble, I've seen enough movies to figure out that they're lying. My brother even told me I shouldn't have asked her, especially if they clapped without the teacher saying anything. But the more I accept I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm worthless, I'm weak-bodied, and I don't deserve what I get, I'm real, grown up. I don't deserve the relief I got after the exams, it just means I'm stupid. In fact, why don't mom and dad act like normal, Indian parents? Tell me my worth is the exams, because if I don't pass, at 8th, I won't go into 9th, I won't have a job opportunity, I won't go to a new grade, I'll be humiliated and held back for being stupid, and that I am stupid. They get more mad when I tell them I'm stupid, because that's the truth, I'm stupid. What's relief, what is "good" and all when their own child is a failure? I can't handle pressure, which means I can't do any jobs which gives me big bucks!

I remember pointless things. What good will marine biology do if anyways most deep sea creatures are harmless to us? Anyways most people grow up not doing what they like. They love space and even when they wanna be an astronomer, not even an astronaut, an ASTRONOMER, they end up accounting money, like everyone else. Like every normal human. Accepting worthlessness is peace. You matter to no one. You don't. If I die, it makes no difference to the 153,000 per day deaths. I really don't matter, and when you accept your worth as much as turd, you live life accepting you're never good enough instead of trying to fly with wings as a human.

So I will start off with the fact that I live and work on a cruise ship. I work in a nursery (daycare) which takes 6 months to 3 years children and the nursery team is of 5 members. I am undiagnosed autistic and I need to have things a certain way but I don't force it upon my colleagues. Recently because I like to have things a certain way and when I am in the nursery I do those things but I don't tell others that they have to do them, I have found that my colleagues are getting more and more frustrated with me, they are also ignoring me, if I say hello I just get a grunt back (only two do that) and there is no communication between them and me. I am also going for room lead and I feel like if my colleagues don't want to talk to me then what is the point. I don't feel like a member of the team and feel very lonely right now. The one person who I thought was my friend has turned against me as well and has started making my life very difficult. Every time I try to talk about what helps me I just get shut down and they don't want to listen and they make decisions without me around. I have thoughts of hurting myself.

I currently live in Afghanistan and am known as a poet and literary activist. Because of my literary activities, especially my writings and poems, I have consistently faced restrictions, pressure, and threats from the current ruling authorities of the country, namely the Taliban. Under the present conditions, freedom of expression in Afghanistan has effectively ceased to exist, and individuals involved in art, literature, and independent thought are at serious risk of arrest, persecution, and punishment.

As a result of these activities, I have been threatened multiple times, both directly and indirectly, and there is a serious fear that if I remain in Afghanistan, I will be arrested by the Taliban in the near future. These threats are real and severe, and they have completely destroyed my sense of personal safety and psychological security.

Unfortunately, I am also in an extremely difficult financial situation and do not have the means to leave Afghanistan on my own or through legal channels. I have no financial support or resources to facilitate my departure, and I have no safe path to protect myself independently.

I respectfully request your assistance, taking into consideration the dangerous conditions I am living under, the continuous threats against me, and the lack of security and freedom in Afghanistan. I urgently need help to leave the country safely and to seek asylum in a European country. Remaining in Afghanistan may lead to irreversible consequences for my life.

My mother cut her wrists again today. I don’t believe in spiritual juju but some of those bullshits may be true with “mirroring” or whatthefuckever as my emotionally worst days always end up being revealed as “oh my mom did self-harm”. She apologised for some reason. I don’t get why. She harmed herself, not me.

I’m suicidal for who knows how long. Passively. Too much of a pussy to commit but still … during unviersity stresses I accumulated plenty mental health and general health issues, cortisol “alarming” since second year, but I passed enough to get the fucking paper that did jackshit in my life. Couldn’t find a job, eventually made use of a teacher shortage through nepotism – it’s shit, I really am not cut out to be a teacher, work stresses me out, I come depleted home and I only have a work-sleep loop. Boohoo people have it worse – I FUCKING KNOW, OK?! I KNOW! Doesn’t make it any better. I suffered that, hoping forwards will be easier. I gave up. I don’t try and am conscious of my limited energy pool. Life is just enduring and waiting for death to arrive – I am too much of a pussy to come to it.

I wanted to get a new computer and eventually live alone – away from my family, from my mother with schizophrenia and all kinds of addictions and flip-flop states; Führerin grandmother; trigger-happy hyper-choleric autistic grandfather and … well I do love my brother regardless of his bullshit like racism and narcissism. I can go get fucked with all that. I make 3€/hr. netto, that barely pays for the booze I need to make do in this shit life. Everything since 2022 (after COVID lockdowns) was just deep shit – COVID was fucking great, being at home, school a breeze, it was too good, raising the bar of what feels like a perfect life too high. I just want calm. Peace. Everything to shut the fuck up. “No alarms and no surprises.” I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to deal with people’s bullshit, I don’t want to “overcome god’s challenges” (whichever one’s – I’m a hostile/misotheistic agnostic aka “I don’t think there is a god but if there is they are a malevolent being”). I just want silence. Quiet. Nothing.

Guess I was escapist and mentally troubled for that since I was like 12 making stories about my family disappearing. I was a furry, still kinda am. Diagnosed with various shit like Asperger’s or SzPD (not self-dx), got some pills, nothing worked. My mom’s teasing death with her little cuts. I wonder when I’ll be the one to steal her thunder and X myself. I don’t fear death. I fear surviving but remaining worse-off (brain damage, surveillance, psychiatric treatment = loss of autonomy). I think one day I’ll close my eyes on those risks and try anyway. I romanticise death, I know, but I really would love that promised eternal peace. Just nothing. Void. I’ll go there anyway, so why suffer and wait when it doesn’t matter? When the now up to then has nothing positive in store?

So far I keep waiting. I wonder for how long.

I wonder if this is one of my last echoes into the dark aether of the internet.

I don’t know.

That’s all.

Bye.

Hey, I know this is a dumb question to ask online but at this point I'm desperate. I'm wondering how to be happy

I haven't been able to feel truly happy in a long time and it's been getting worse. I'm having the same day every single day for half of my life. Even when i try to change it it doesn't really change not really

It's just the same day everyday with a few things being different

I wake up, get insulted by my family for the whole day, read stories, do my chores, walk in circles for hours, go to sleep, repeat. Yeah I've tried to change it I've tried not to be so "miserable" but I can't

My only wish is to go to highschool like other 17 year olds but even that won't come true. My only friend is my dad's friend's wife who I know pitys me and my mother just straight up left years ago

Me and my dad's relationship will forever be ruined after he acted like a pedophile to me when I was 14 then proceeded to call me mentally insane when I brought it up in August because I felt like it was eating me alive. He said that maybe I was hallucinating or having a dream

Sometimes I realise that people don't truly love me or like me or really care that much

People say "practice self love" but they need to realise it's not the same as your father loving you. Or anybody

I used to do the whole self love thing and take care of myself a lot but now I just can't find the will to do that. I haven't brushed my hair in months.

Most days my mind doesn't really absorb, just thinking about unicorns or whatever nonsense. But some days like this one, it feels gut wrenching like my stomach dropped

I'm turning 18 in December this year. Basically in one blink of an eye. I should change but it feels like I'm stuck in a pool full of thick Nutella and honey

But yeah I just want to know how to feel happy. And how to stop feeling so paranoid all the time it's ruining my life.

I know I shouldn't ask such a question online but I have nowhere else to go

I'm not insulting my father or anyone in this message, they'r nice but everyone has their issues and moments I guess. But I'm just saying my opinion, that it hurt me

I keep overthinking on the very tiniest stuffs. Even a small thing makes me thinking for like a whole day or two and genuinely my whole day gets messy and I can't focus on other stuffs except that. Today I was asked a question during my class and atfirst I simply answered, I didn't understand when sir said to ask extra stuffs. It was the stuffs I knew but I simply didn't understand at the moment so I just told him I didn't understand and so when he asked someone beside me I understood what he was asking about and as my classmate beside me didn't answer I reached out to sir and gave some answers in that moment I still misunderstood his question but I did understand later and told the answer and there was one question I was confused about so I just didn't say anything and as an introverted person I feel scared to talk infront of the whole class and the moment I was answering other people were looking at me and smirking. I could literally see them, even though I answered some stuffs I was scolded by sir like I know I'm dumb but I did answer some stuffs and so the fact that some people were looking at me and kinda laughing not laughing in exact way, is it cuz I'm dumb??? Like I'm not as smart as them but am I really that stupid and dumb?? This is what I overthought whole day and I'm still thinking about this today. And the fact that I called out sir to tell the answer after I understood what he was asking was it really wrong of me? Was I being desparate ???? I really wanna stop overthinking about this kinda stuffs but I can't. This is the first time this has happened, many times not only in class but even with the people I'm close it I start to overthink their actions and what they think about me. I really wanna stop being this............

Soo here's the thing i was just minding my own buissness when my mind started to overthink and now i want to get it out of my mind people have said to me and i too think that i am really sensitive because i take every sentence into consideration every word their expression what they meant behind it one time my friend no 1 asked my other friend if he could roast me just for fun a few jokes he took a look at me and denied saying i will cry that hurt i just sat there and did nothing like wtf and i used to fight with my bestie everytime she ignored me or talked to someone else now wait before you think i am crazy i am completely fine with her talking to and sitting with someone else but lets be real besties sit together right so i think she was tired of me at that point of life because we are ok but then she swapped my bag with someone else's beside her seat and i said dont do this but she did and we had a huge fight that day . I cry easily in arguments and fail to keep my tears from flowing out i want to be alone but then i hate being lonely now i am trying to keep my emotions in check but i don't think i have gotten better

a note to someone, who I wont mention by name

I'm not even sure they'll see this

you leaving has affected us all

filled us with hatred, remorse

I've stopped eating full meals

started farming attention from anyone and everyone

"I wasn't enough for you"

you were everything to me. and you threw it away and insulted me in the process

but I cant bring myself to hate you

cant bring myself to let it go

I'll stay here

waiting

waiting here

waiting now

waiting

for you

ok?

Always being perceived as something I'm not, and it hurts because it comes from my family : <

“i feel like crying, i don’t feel like myself / this isn’t like me at all” — TWICE, TT

2026 was supposed to be my person year. a year where i’m putting myself first, to do things i love without judgement, u know how it goes. but it’s been january and i feel like i wanna unalive.

the anti-ai bullying is getting worse each day. i mentioned previously that it’s hard to be a synthographer bc ur most likely to get an “ai slop trash” comment than a praise. they’ll trash u, fuck u up, until u snap. i guess that’s what’s happening to me lately. it’s getting problematic for me and everyone i know.

i thought that art is meant for everyone, but why does everyone think that we’re stealing images with actual creativity that gets run thru the machine? why does everyone think i’m a fraud; that i’m not fit to be part of multimedia arts course? why does everyone accuse someone of using chatgpt just by using an em dash? this greater internet fuckwad theory is getting too much man. putangina.

and hey, don’t get me started on anti’s antics. the witch hunts, the accusations, the constant bashing, even memes. don’t forget nightshade and throw in that NO-AI.gif too. “we got demons in the comments section,” says oliver tree in one song, and i think there is on every comments section.

i know that society expects u to get ur shit together, but rn i feel like i’m falling apart. i’m confused, overwhelmed, overstimmed. for fuck’s sake, i’m already losing interest in synthography bc of school. there, does that make u happy? are u happy that i can’t generate anymore bc i don’t have wifi? are u happy that u won from constant bullying? are u happy that u flip off an ai billboard or write anti-ai graffiti on a subway ad? be fucking honest, ARE U HAPPY?

i’m so tired of this bullshit. there are times where i wanted to look for some inspiration, but i end up doomscrolling instead. fuck all of this man. i can’t take it anymore. once again, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

i am writing here very politely because i do not know where else to place this, and because the format asks for honesty without spectacle, which i appreciate, and because i am a woman who has spent years trusting her internal dashboard, my intuition, which has historically shown a low false-positive rate, almost annoyingly accurate, and now it is lighting up red and i am scared by that, not hysterical just concerned, like an analyst watching anomaly detection flags stack up with no clear root cause yet, and the subject is my husband, who i am quite sure is cheating on me even though i have no screenshots no lipstick no credit card receipts, just signals, micro-behaviors, shifts in cadence, metadata in the margins of our life, and yes i know about confirmation bias and availability heuristics and i try to correct for them like any reasonable adult, but my intuition has an audit trail and it has never failed, which makes this moment heavier, because if it is right then my marriage is compromised, and if it is wrong then i am the problem, and neither outcome is great 😕, i notice changes in his communication latency, the way his phone is now always face down which i once read was a “privacy management tactic” in a pop psych article, i notice grooming spikes before mundane errands, cologne at noon, gym shorts for grocery runs, and i tell myself correlation is not causation, very politely i remind myself of that rule, but then there is the tone shift, the politeness surplus toward me that feels like customer service not intimacy, and the absence of conflict which in relationship ops is sometimes a leading indicator of emotional outsourcing, i hate even typing that, it sounds dramatic, but i am trying to stay detached and objective, to speak in facts and probabilities not vibes, and still the vibe is screaming, my intuition is screaming, and that scares me more than the idea of cheating itself, because i have always relied on that internal compass for risk assessment, and now it is pointing somewhere i do not want to go, there are references people love to throw around like “trust your gut” or “the body keeps the score” and i have quoted those myself in other contexts, but when the gut implicates the person you built your life with, the advice feels cruel, like a systems alert you cannot mute, i have replayed conversations like call recordings, transcribed his words, noted semantic drift, affectionate language replaced by logistical phrasing, “let me know” instead of “i’ll be there”, and yes maybe this is just stress or aging or market volatility in a long-term partnership, i am open to that hypothesis, i would prefer it honestly, i am being very reasonable here i think, but my intuition keeps surfacing edge cases, the late meetings with vague deliverables, the sudden interest in data privacy, passcodes changing, and when i ask neutral questions i get what feels like over-explained answers, which any negotiator will tell you can be a leakage point, i am not angry, not yet, mostly i am tired and afraid and trying to remain courteous to myself and to him while i gather more information, because rash action has a high cost, and still at night i lie awake doing mental A/B testing of futures, one where i am right and must decide how to proceed with dignity, and one where i am wrong and must apologize for doubting, and both scenarios require emotional capital i am not sure i have, i keep thinking of a line i read somewhere, maybe a book maybe a tweet, “intuition is just pattern recognition trained by experience,” and if that is true then what pattern am i recognizing now, and why does it feel so urgent, so sharp, so unlike anxiety, more like clarity 😔, i am venting here because anonymity lowers the social risk and because i wonder, very politely, has anyone else had an intuition that scared them not because of what it said about their partner but because of what it forced them to confront about reality, and did you ignore it, did you validate it, did you run more tests or did you shut the system down, i am genuinely asking, because i am standing between data and denial and i do not know which is more dangerous right now.

I cannot tell if this guy likes me or if I'm being manipulated. We met online, came off flirtatious and I'm learning about him, says he cares more about personality than looks and says I have a good personality. He's one year older than me so that's good, he has a job, workouts, tall, emo. Ngl there are certain traits that remind me of this gross guy I knew but don't text anymore. Anyways he says I deserve the world, misses me, whatever kind stuff and then logs off. It could be because he's tired after work or if it's the weekend, then idk, could be gaming. I do think he has depression which is fine. We also talk about our day and some interests. He did text me on discord and the boys on there are....werid but he hasn't said anything sexual yet and it's been a few days so that's good. This is embarrassing that I'm even bringing this up but he's also matching with someone on Roblox, hopefully it's just his sister or friend. Idk, am I being love bombed? Am I apart of a roster? Am I just being extra careful because of my last experiences with online men and dating? Any insight is helpful 🖤🩷

I should also add that this isn't a straight or cis relationship. Idk, maybe that's helpful.

So, I'm 13, and my hormones got the best of me and I proceeded to vent out my rage in this thing: https://iiwiars.com/legal-drama/anarchists-communists-punks-arise

I feel so bad now because I said some depraved-ass shit, and then this one anonymous person commented, "dude, ur 100% right, fuck em all, i agree on every level, fuck every single one of them, they deserve some fucking accountability, and until we get it, life wont ever be happy, its bad enough the shit some people already carry without all this, i have had it with all these cunts, and idk why but we seem so emotionally attached to this fuckass earth, when everything seems hopeless and like nothings gunna change, why continue fighting when resistance is futile, why not free urself, its hard to understand"

And because I was still angry as fuck, I said, "I know, right? Let's rape 'em back!" I'm so sorry, please, I really regret this now and maybe I should keep feeling bad I said such a nasty thing, I hate myself so much. Then they said, "I know, right? Let's rape 'em back!" Then I was getting scared because they weren't calming down, because if you saw the post, most folks were telling me to calm down and not be so violent-minded as it won't fix the thing like how fire + fire just burns everything. I asked their age and they said they were 18, I told my age as "...I'm turning 14...".

And this is where shit hits the stratosphere, they say, "wow, you learned alot early... much younger". I shat myself in fear, because from many girl YouTubers like Illymation, I remember how some older people would tell girls like me with vulnerabilities (I think I'm a neurotypical to an extent, but I've not gotten any diagnosis yet, sorry if I sound weird) that their hateful ideas in a fit of rage are "the correct view", and then groom them to do horrible stuff. I didn't respond anything after seeing it. Was I gonna be groomed, and what does grooming look like? I'm scared. Should I be scared?

Please tell me I did something smart and not stupid and I'm gonna be safe, because I told I don't live in USA, and I didn't mention where I live as in specific coordinates and Google Maps links to my house, but I don't wanna be groomed. I don't wanna see some weird 18 y/o's pictures of their naked body being sent to me somehow (I didn't show my email), or be blasted with s-x messages or be found out and touched or worse. I've already seen far too many lady YouTubers fall into this when they were my age and I don't wanna too. If my dad or mom says "You're smart for your age, smarter than me!" I'm fine because they've never done anything but if it's a stranger without my parents I'm scared. Don't worry, it was one person, but at night I was shivering because the room was super cold and praying when I told them my age they'd be like, "oh shit I'll stop I'm sorry", not this. Please tell me I did a smart thing, I'm 13.5, a girl and I'm not gonna be hurt. Like, this has never happened before in the site, this is my first time. I hope not to get traumatized by this in the future when I'm older, because I thankfully didn't receive a text or photo that was scary. Most of the time on it, people are anonymous but would normally ask me to stop, calm down, see things from a different perspective, flat out say no or ask me to get help. Again, was I about to be groomed?

Because I thought it was gonna be another 13 y/o being as angry as me, and what if my vent was wrong? I've seen so many girl YouTubers talk about being groomed by older teens like the person I spoke to, Illymation was in a relationship with a dude I think 5-7 years older, and he abused her and sent her photos and messages when she was my age, and so much happened. She got admitted to a psych ward, but she felt safer venting to him, he was spamming hurtful things to her (she had the screenshots and showed a few on YT), and one time after he inappropriately touched her when she was 18 in a theater, and when she tried to tell the cops, that man is still out there. And she even met his other "girlfriend" whom he was cheating with on from Illymation.

Why does every girl my age, usually, deal with conversations like THAT with random people or men (mostly) online or IRL, no matter how hard they dodge it? Is this a canon event? B-tch I barely SURVIVED. I'm not gonna tell mom yet though. Was it really grooming? But holy shit, I got my mom's "danger detector" genes, hehe. Long before I was born and mom worked in USA for a bit, she lived in New York, where she wanted to take a metro with a friend but then one scary dude came behind them slowly, holding a hand in his pocket, and they both took another metro, and mom tells me she could've gotten mugged.

I feel since becoming a mom, I am more socially awkward in mixed company. I’ve always been social but have really changed in the last year. Mostly because I don’t have much to discuss other than typical baby stories, which I know not everyone is interested in; and that’s ok. I get overwhelmed by the news and social media so I’m not too caught up on the latest. A sweet old lady from church has come alongside me and has really been helping me spiritually. She hosts small gatherings at her house every month with the best layout and I always enjoy myself (I go baby-free). She really has a heart for hosting and everything is so lovely. Lately, I have found myself not really talking to anyone at these lil parties. Not to make it a “high school cafeteria” scene. I think it’s more me. It’s a laid-back environment with other ladies and I can never seem to hold a conversation. I feel myself get awkward and my brain goes blank. I need help. What are good questions to keep the conversation going without having to turn to “how are the kids?” What can I ask when I feel a lull in the conversation? I have had small talk with many of these women before so I would really like to have a “deeper” conversation than just “I’m fine and you? Oh ok bye.