Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 3

I am so fucking done living in this body that is tearing itself apart but refuses to die. Most of the time its manageable. Enough to make me believe that maybe im capable of what ive always dreamed. But one bad day. One missed dose. And im reminded of how horribly my body wishes to be rid of me.

It starts at my core spreading like a fungus. Spreading through every part of me and refusing to do the very thing its designed to do. To keep every part alive. To keep me alive. And it just fucking wont. It chips away from the inside. Trying to chip my soul away from my body. Digging my ribs away from the muscle. Feeling like pieces are snapping and stabbing in ways I'll never be able to fix. The blackness, the whiteness, the stars that overtake me if i dare to raise my head. Im fighting with myself to control any part of my body. My arms often being the last thing standing. My legs gave way long ago and my torso was never there to begin with.

I am pulling myself up with every ounce of strength i have  to be back on the ground but not even here am i safe. Everything moves. All of existence moves and spins in a dance that i cannot appreciate. I spin and tilt in a cruel carnival no matter if my eyes are open or shut.

Then for a moment I see with clarity. As if im faking it. Yeah im faking it. Its all in my head theres nothing wrong with me. My vision steady and everything normal. But i know the truth. Im not faking it. I wish that i were. Because people's bodies dont crush in on themselves for a little attention. And I dont what's worse. The problem itself or the little moments of calm in the middle that remind me of what could be. Because just as suddenly as the moment is there. Its gone.

Laying on the floor i know where i am because if i stand up i wont know. I wont know who or what i am. Because no matter how hard i try im forced to the ground in one way or another. By choice or by force.

It might ignorable. I could pretend i really chose to ɓe low as possible. If it werent for the sounds. They never stop. Every hum of electricity, trickle of a tap, the brush of a hand on something. Its amplified. I cant stand it. Every sound this existence offers becomes a cacaphony i cant drown out. It builds and builds while im screaming inside. I try but theres no escape. Not really.

Just to press salt in the wound my body has created in my soul, it adds nausea to the mix. Because what fucking sadistic asshole wouldnt. Wracking my insides. Rarely actually puking. But a dry heaving for hours. Unyielding. My stomach is forced into my lungs if i dont use every fiber of my being to control it.

I wish that any part could be the end of it. But no, my body says. Not allowed to die.

Im dying but not allowed to die.

Its not as if I havent tried before. Or that it hasnt tried before. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. A bathtub, a mask, a gun, a heart attack.... Im not afraid of death. Ive stared into its eyes too many times to be afraid of it. But i am terrified of living. Living just two steps away of my body trying to forcibly split from my soul.

I wonder if all the joy ive felt before is worth it. If I can really build a future continuing to live like this? Will i bring children into this world and if I do how selfish would it be knowing that i may have given them a curse like me? Can I truly keep them safe if just like me their bodies are dying from the inside out? And I wonder selfishly if i'll ever be able to have kids at all. Because thats what i worry about of all things. If my body will ever be capable of doing the one thing i have ever truly wanted more than anything.

Allogations have made me fear for my safety. If there is no proof of wrongdoing, is my safety still at risk?

Hi I'm Aimee and I'm 13. I live in Singapore and I'm in a French school but the thing is I feel like I never belong there: Everyone of them is French or half French and I'm there left alone Chinese and Swiss feeling desperate every day. My hole life I felt like I was an outsider or even an underdog I never felt like I belong somewhere. Sometime my friends make jokes about where I came from and I know is just jokes but it make me feel really hurt sometime because I know that no matter how hard I try to be just like them I will never really belong anywhere and I can't even change school because there is no where else school where there speak French.

I sometime really feel trapped between different world and I belong in none of them. And that is not my only problems I also have family problems, injustice and all and sometime when I look at other families I can't help but feel jealous or sad or even angry that I couldn't have the same. And it's now that I realize how hate, anger, sadness all these negative feelings changes peoples and I can see how much I have changed too. I'm not longer that innocent, and happy child that I was and I think that many people have realized that and now I can too. My mental health is getting worse every day I don't think it will get any better soon. Now my only escape that has been keeping me from depression is my tv shows or movies.

I know it's not the best way and it also can make my mental health even worse but it really helped me escape the real world and be the light in so much darkness. But the worse part of it is that that only light that has been keeping me from depression is something that my parents don't know... I have been doing this for a while now and I really hate myself sometime for starting this because it's literally the best thing that I have right now and my parents don't know about it and they will be really mad at me but that's not what I'm afraid of the most: My series have really been my escape and my only escape if someone take it from me I am pretty sure that I'm going to fall in depression really badly and trust me really badly.

I just feel like I been living in a world where I don't really belong in it and my only escape is something that no one knows. I feel like I'm really fragile in this time and that i'm holding on to that one thing that can be taken from me anytime. I feel trapped and an outsider all the time and it really pains me.

TW slight mention of SH and suicidal thoughts

In the past I had some depressive like symptoms. I sh in many different ways and also had some kind of suicidal thoughts. I have gotten better over the last year because some issues I had with other people solved and everything is actually fine. I have been fine. Things have gotten better. However I feel like I am slipping again. I am slipping. The last days or weeks I feel worse and thoughts come back I hoped wouldn’t. I thought it would finally get better because I actually began to see a future for myself. Still the feeling is stronger that there isn’t anything. I suddenly notice that maybe I am the problem. Others care about me and are actually right in many situations but I just tell them off even yell and even am manipulative in some situations. The worst about is that they often then actually believe me and I do want to apologise but the words just don’t come out. I don’t make things better and just wallow in my despair. I try to. But I am not sure. I hurt myself again. It’s stupid. I don’t even know why. I somehow feel like it’s all part of my character, who would I be without my problems? I need that feeling of self-pity. I need to be able to fault others and yet I know that I don’t make it easy for others. I want to have friends and want to be close to others but I can’t share anything about myself. I want to have something genuine and yet I am jealous if they’re better than me or even feel worse than me. I just can’t feel empathy for them. Even while I am writing this I feel like I am reading off a script. That I am not being genuine.

[tw..? - sh, suicide, weight concerns, etc.]

idk how to preface this, honestly, but i've recently been struggling with light sh, bad body image, and a major fallout between me and a friend thats left me basically all alone.

for some background information, i'm 15, im in my second semester of freshman year, and in a all-girls-christian-catholic school widely dominated by straight MAGA girls (as a transmasc myself).

ive decided to group all my stories into one, so if you'd like to respond to a specific one over all of them, they'll just be numbered 1-3.

1) i have a track record of generally suicidal thoughts and ideas of harming myself. these have been going on for around two years, but i've never actually acted on it besides for two summers ago and now. i've began to (lightly?) cut on my hips. i've broken the skin but its never scarred. i find my story somewhat "invalid" due to the lack of any permanent marks over the years ive thought of this. i feel increasingly more guilty for doing this, but i find it an easy way to let go of the stress i have and any other thoughts despite it not being an addiction.

2) ive always known i'm somewhat bigger than most of my peers, atleast through my eyes. from fifth grade to now, my thoughts have always been plauged with the idea of being seen as "the fat friend", due to my height and weight (5'10, 153 pounds but ive recently dropped to 134 due to intermittent fasting). all of my friends constantly try to reassure me that i'm not overweight, but i cannot believe them due to the amount of fat on my lower stomach and thighs. i don't know how to stop this self-conciousness, even if ive tried to cope with it through larger clothes or staying inside whenever i can.

3) i text one person outside of school. yes, i speak to people in school, but after 3pm i have no one to speak to until the next school day. this friend has apparently been manipulating/emotionally abusing me (through other people's words, not mine), yet i struggle to get away from them. i'm terrified of falling out of touch due to sharing my identity and struggles with them, and they are HEAVILY suicidal which makes the fear doubled. ive struggled with the lack of communication we've had lately, and the break we've established (2 weeks). i have told my father that i feel increasingly lonely, and he's told me it's my fault for not branching out and speaking to other people. i am a person who's naturally introverted and awkward, and i assume i have some sort of undiagnosed social anxiety. i also struggle with social cues such as saying too little or too much, not knowing what people mean by words or body language, and what to do in most situations. he knows this about me but still insists i reach out (which i've tried to do), and i really just don't know what to do about it.

all of these situations together have made me consider overdosing, shooting myself, or jumping (sometimes all at once and sometimes at different times), but i know that i honestly wouldn't. ive also thought about trying to cut deeper or finding different items to use. idk how to stop these thoughts, and i feel bad talking about them due to my father making a LOT of money. i also refuse to speak to an adult due to the knowledge that i cannot share too much without being sent to a mental hospital.

I've been very jealous last year and suffered a lot for it. I was so mad it was happening to me that I wanted him to pay for that so I tried to make him see how deeply hurt and betrayed I felt. Anyways, I regret putting that much negative energy on my body, my mind and on him. I love him to death and I'm willing to tolerate things and be more kind and understanding while not losing myself and my self confidence.

He has this habit of wandering eyes and everyday glances at pretty sexy girls everywhere online. Just look. Very rare times I caught him red handed about 3 times and it did such physiological trauma on me that got some sort of PTSD like I wouldn't let go of that image, feelings out of my mind they would repeat all over again. Woke up having nightmares and a constant fear of abandonment.

This year I'm approaching forgiving and calmer. However, when I tend to take time to answer and he says I'm getting bored. I take it as a direct hit. My thoughts begin to spiral like, is he bored of me? maybe that's why the wondering eye?

My life is getting worse every day and when I look back at my past it make me really sad. I'm Aimee and i'm 13 and my life is a mess: I got so much family problems, friends problems and my own personal problems and I can't really talked to anyone because my parents don't understand that there are 80% of my problems and I can't just tell them like that and then there's my friends and I just can't imagine telling them that without getting completely humiliated and then there adult or a therapist and I can't talked to them either because I have trust issues because I have been betrayed many times. I was so desperate and really needed help and felt like if I didn't tell anyone I was gonna explode and iv also been having panic attacks for a while now and no one know about it. And so I was so desperate that I was literlly talking to Chatgpt like Chatgpt. Im so lucky that I found this site to talk to people without being judge. And please don't think that I am exagerating because I am a teenager because I'm really hoping to be understand. If you read that thank you so much and if you want to know more precisely my problems you can check my other stories. Again thank you so much for hearing me out I needed it.

There this guy in my school he's really handsome and really nice to people and I kinda have a crush on him. The thing is I'm really confused because we have a class group chat and there no adult on it just our class and there this on time were he and his friend kind of bullied a girl from my class (it wasn't really bullying because it was just one time thing) and i didn't really like her too but it marked me. I just so confused because he is normally very nice with people so now I don't know what to think and I really have a big crush on him. But it doesn't matter anyway he's a pretty popular boy that went out with so many girls and I have never and I'm not really that kind of girl that he like or notices I think.

four friends of mine are in a polyamorous relationship. I have a girlfriend, and was invited to join the poly group, but declined since I am lesbian and three of them are guys.

Kayla said I would never be put on the outside because of her and someone else.

I thought Benjamin was my best friend.

Me and Alin haven't been close for a while, but we're still nice to eachother.

I haven't known AJ for long, but we did vibe.

Until all this happened.

We have a group chat, a Google doc, with me, AJ, Kayla, Alin, Benjamin, and my girlfriend, Cami. Cami isn't able to be on much since we use it in the middle of school.

When she isn't online, I'm lonely. the four "poly group" (as me and Cami call them) are concerned only with themselves and eachother, akeing flirty comments, talking about what matching outfits they should wear, even doing matching profile pictures.

And I'm left on the outside. The exact way Kayla said I wouldn't be.

AND THEY DONT EVEN NOTICE. THEY DONT EVEN CARE, DO THEY? I'M BECOMING THE FIFTH WHEEL AND YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE TOLD ME SHE WOULD MAKE SURE IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN. SHE LIED. AND THE FOUR OF THEM CARE ONLY FOR THEMSELVES. THE FOUR OF THEM ONLY HAVE ATTENTION FOR EACH OTHER. THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ATTENTION IN THEM FOR ME. BECAUSE I, WITH EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR THEM, AM NOT ENOUGH. I WAS NEVER ENOUGH, WAS I? NO. AND THEY DONT EVEN KNOW THE SHIT I DEAL WITH. THEY DONT EVEN KNOW HOW, EVERY DAY, I FEEL LIKE IM NOT ENOUGH FOR CAMI. I HAVE TO DEAL WITH FEELING LIKE CAMI SHOULD LEAVE ME FOR THE POLY GROUP.

because I deserve to be alone, right? because I'm just overreacting. they're my friends, I shouldn't get mad at them... they deserve so much better than me and... I just feel like I deserve nothing...

God my head is fucked up.

i'm so sorry.

I shouldn't complain.

I'm not allowed to.

He’s the maintenance technician.

Imagine this scenario and see if you can relate.

You are 45 minutes into the delivery of an incredibly high-stakes presentation, and you are at your home office with the entire leadership team of your organization being at the corporate office location.

You are sharing your screen from your laptop computer, and the flow up to this point has been on point. You have rounded the corner and are about to take it home, and all is looking clear in front of you.

This gives you a boost of confidence, and then you tap the button to move the slide deck forward by one slide. You get started making your statement about what this slide shows and then, without warning, your screen goes black.

The router lights across the room that you are occupying at your home office extinguish, and the stillness and silence engulfs you in a rapid manner.

In that moment, your heart rate spikes from normal to a sprinting pace in the snap of your fingers.

This isn't just bad luck or yet another example of Murphy’s Law being realized. It can be considered an extremely stressful event for some people.

Question: How have you addressed, or would you likely address, this scenario in your own circumstances ?

I live in india from childhood I had severe anxiety issues , but it worsened from age 8 when I was medically diagnosed with thyroid and other hormonal imbalance meds and other remedies were too much for me as a child but endured as my parents were really concerned from them spends too much on my meds cause my condition sometimes worsens but at age 16 due to my incorporating roomates i was confirmed as OCD and depression it get cooled down at a point but till then I was already 17 and due to my health the result on my academics got bad. I asked my parents for 1 year drop as I can't give my open college entrance exam so somehow I thought I should use that one year to go in an excellent college and become successful and till time I will improve my skills but they didn't agree due to some called society opinion and now stu k on zu h a college whose name is only famous by publicity but not with education and faculty as it was my last option I had to move i thought may be faculty must be good but the here is also a ratta fixation and teachers don't teach properly didn't get our sem syllabus,HOD is a kind of person who doesn't take our studies seriously also this attendence survival game , too much assigments , frequent fest and then exam I am also a practical person who learns and understand by experiments but they only focus on unnecessary theory. Arguments with parents frequently by which this being time pass i truly got mentally sick again also migraines by this baseless study I feel like I can't become upto my parents expectation as an eldest one but I truly want to die or some kind of miracle happens.

I have been dating my bf since about 8 months now and I have fallen completely head over heels since the beginning. but we are long-distance and that too with minimal talk time because we both have a huge imp exam coming up very soon. and that's not really the problem because we are both serious and focused.

The problem, however, is that I am getting super attached to the point where I can't stop thinking about him, i have zero focus left and my mood heavily depends on him, his replies, our little convos (which are again mostly about the exam but i don't mind that). but i keep checking my notifications and end up wasting time on my phone. Everything in my life from how good/bad my day went to how well i do in practice tests has started to depend on him and getting his attention.

I don't wanna turn into this 'always available, selfless, sort of a people pleaser who would do anything for anyone' person. (even though i already am that person). how do i fix this and get a better personality?

cause internally i am aware that i have everything one could ask for. so it's not like i am insecure/jealous/not confident. In fact a lot of friends confide in me because they find me to be a safe space. but i cannot deny the fact that i am way too available at all times. Also i don't wanna ruin our perfectly good relationship just because i can't even live on my own anymore and that might come off as a weird trait.

(also this context might give a better light on things- this is technically my second relationship but effectively my first one being so much in love)

I'm in my 30s so this is a little sad to even be typing about. Hear me out...

I grew up with a complete family. A mother, a father, brother, and sister. At first look, it seemed perfect. Maybe we were in certain ways. My parents were married and loved each other but constantly fought a lot. On good days, we'd all be laughing and just enjoying our time together but on bad days, we witnessed them fight well into the morning. I basically grew up seeing that and it was terrible.

Fast forward to today. My mom is widowed, brother and sister living halfway across the world and I am the only person living with my mom. I should be living on my own at this point but that's a different story.

So why am I even here? I grew up seeing them fight and that aggressive behavior kind of brushed up on me. Now as an adult, I find myself in situations where when my opinion differs greatly from that of my mom, we argue about it as if World War III is about to go down. An understatement by itself.

Of course, there are details that would take forever to type so I'm not going to type it here, but I guess all I want to say is that I'm tired having a mom who thinks she can fight with me every time she can't get me to see her point. I'm tired growing up to this. I'm tired of being an adult with a life like this. I love her but the fights are so terrible, it's embarrassing. It's messing with my mental health. I hate seeing her "I'm perfect, I never make mistakes" face cause that's what keeps the fights going. Nothing is ever resolved. It's all a battle of pride and who gets to fall asleep first.

There's so many things I want to say, all hard feelings from years of pent up anger just brewing up inside. But I'm too tired from the fight we just had and all I could think of is how much more peaceful it all could be if I had a mother who was slightly... tamer.

I like this guy, and he made me feel 100x better after my ex stood me up at prom, he's funny sweet and kind, I want to ask him out but idk if I should because what if he doesn't like me like that?