Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 3

So I’ve been recently spending more time with my family & sleeping over, and I’m loving it! Maybe too much…

This is more of a series of my life so pls check out my other ones lol!!

After I spent two days at my grandparents house I was really relaxed and happy? And I felt sad I was leaving to go home. So when I got home I was immediately left to a loud house. A very different contrast to a quiet, comfortable, clean grandparents house. And I have a lot of sensory issues and verbal delays so I can’t really speak for myself when im overstimulated and upset. So when I walk in I immediately want to go back to my grandparents house so I just go to my room without saying hello or anything since the tv was very loud and I didn’t want to argue with my dad. And I felt very frustrated, annoyed, upset, and somewhat disappointed??

So later that night I came down for dinner, the tv blaring an action movie, the dogs barking, dinner cold on the counter, and stepping on sharp things scattered on the floor. So first of all, I’m overstimulated. I can feel and hear everything at the same time. So I go to get some ice and water and the freezer is packed with frozen crap blocking the ice maker, making there BARELY any ice so I’m annoyed! I haven’t been home for TWO DAYS and I can’t even have ice on a hot day. So I get my ice and go eat dinner alone on at the dinner table because my parents sit on the couch and eat it together not with me. So I’m eating right? The rice is too wet… the chicken is too dry… the tvs too loud.. and my fork isn’t big enough.. I know I may sound picky and just complaining but honestly after dealing with this every day and is back home after a couple days it pisses you off. So I haven’t even been asked how my day was or any plans I have so I feel unappreciated because I want to feel cared about. So honestly I’m pissed and just annoyed so I mutter “I like grandmas house better..” so my mom asks, “Do you not like it here?” What do you think??? I’ve been asking you guys to turn down the tv multiple times a week and just asking for the questions to stop! So I’m just really annoyed and frustrated from her saying that so I say, “No, I just- it’s just so loud here all the time and it’s so quiet at grandmas house.” And I get no response which sets me off because now I feel bad for saying the truth. And now I want to cry and feel her hug but I dont ask and just leave because I felt ungrateful.

Before you say that I’m just ungrateful and a brat, I’m 13. A girl at that too. And I feel that I have complex emotions and can understand when I need to have a break or be serious. And I just want to leave in perspective this is environment had been a constant thing for 5 years now. And all of my issues and idk I’m just still developing and I have a lot of hormones and anxiety and adhd so it’s just very hard, and I have a lot of sensory issues and verbal delays.

Around three years ago today, I started questioning my sexuality. Thinking at first I might've just been confused, being that I was 14 at the time. One year passes, and I'm starting to have those thoughts again and realizing I seriously might've been BI. I tested out the waters a little with being able to tell my friends about me maybe being BI, and them actually supporting me. Although over the two years since then I've started to lean towards being gay, and now I'm seriously confused, scared, and worried. I've got no idea what to do, my parents are christens and they had no Idea about me being BI before.

idk. I just feel kind of, no not kind of, very alone. I have a friend in one of my classes. I have lunch with two of my "friends," but one won't talk to me and the two of them are dating. I guess I can talk to my cousin at lunch, but he isn't in any of my classes. Kanna is a senior, I could only possibly see her during MB, but even then she's in colourguard and I don't see her. I haven't seen Barley all day, nor have I seen Ella.

That's not all that's going on. I enjoy writing stories, but I have an upsetting lack of inspiration at the moment. It effects my music writing too. Those two things are the only things I'm really good at, and if I'm bad at the only thing I'm good at... well, think Caine from TADC Episode 3, when Zooble told him his adventures sucked.

I just can't help but wonder: What happened? To me, mostly. When did I become... this? When did I become such an asshole to everyone? when did I get so bad at making and keeping friends? What happened to me? Why don't I change like everyone else? Why am I not pretty like everyone else? why am I so lonely, when everyone else has someone to talk to? I value all my connections and friendships, but what if there's no connections or friendships left for me to value? Why am I never enough, no matter how hard I try? I told myself this year that, if I were pretty, people would finally like me. So I got new makeup, I changed my clothes, got a new haircut but still I'm hated. Still no one talks to me. What's even the point of trying?

(dont mind my terrible spelling)

My inner void

By: Samuel Ison

And then i fall. and fall. and fall. and fall. and fall. death isnt what i thought it would be. my life isnt falshing before my eyes. im not crying. im not angry that this is how it ends. th whole world is burning around me. we fucked up the whole world. for once i dont feel what i used to feel. i dont feel angry at myself. i dont feel gultiy about things i couldnt change. for the first time im not wondering about what death feels like. im not wondering anything. im not wondering why im falling for so long. i dont know what this feeling is. falling. forever. it feels nice. death isnt what i thought it would be. I dont see 'the light'. i dont see all my memories replaying in my head. I dont see my dead loved ones. i dont see a glimpse of heaven. or hell. I cant hear anything. the wind is rushing all around me. and then. nothing. peace. i dont wake up as a new person. i dont see any ghosts or people. i dont see heaven or hell. i dont see god. i dont see jesus. i see fog. all around. i cant see whats behind me or in front of me. except a road. im walking down the road. the road seems to go on forever. i keep walking. its peaceful. its just me, the road, and the fog. who am i? do i really even care? where am i? i dont really care. what is this place? i really dont care. what did i leave behind? choas. i always wake up from this dream right about now. I dont wake up crying or screaming or sweating. i wake up perfectly fine. i think my body makes me wake up befor i truly walk into the unknown. death perhaps. maybe if i keep walking...i wouldnt wake up again. now tell me this. why am i not scared of that?

I want someone to text me everyday 'are you ok?' and if i reply with 'no' then they simply say 'ok'. thats it. i dont want them to have pity on me. i just want somone to know. i want someone to want to know and when i tell them they dont pry. they dont ask anything. they just say 'ok'. is that to much to ask?

you know whats funny? when i cut myself the first time i wasnt crying or having a mental breakdown or at my lowest. i was watching fucking desendents at midnight and i had just thought. 'i wonder what it feels like?' so i grabbed a thumbtack and sratched my skin until it bled. i didnt feel anything. it didnt hurt like it should have. i didnt cry afterwards either. i didnt regret doing it and i still kinda dont. i didnt even flinch as i scraped off my skin until it bled. then i just stared at it. i didnt have any reaction to seeing my blood on that thumbtack or the blood coming from my arm. another time that i cut myself on my thigh i didnt have a reaction then either. i didnt even flinch the tiniest bit. and thats what keeps me up at night because i know that if i did that to anyone else. even a stranger. i would do anything to take it back. i would say im sorry until i couldnt speak. i would cry and scream at myself. i would hate myself forever for doing something like that. but if my best friend held a gun to my head i wouldnt even flinch. i would apoligize for doing something that made her have to go to all the trouble of having to kill me. and then in the end i would probably ask her to hand me the gun so i could shoot myself so that she wouldnt be charged for murder or have the burden of killing me. like the song goes 'you could slit my throat and in my my last gasping breath i would apolgize for bleeding on your shirt- your so last summer by taking sunday back'

its 4:34am right now. im so tired. but sleep isnt an option anymore. im haulcinating. bugs. bugs everywhere. STOP. LET ME SLEEP. and my brain says "no." my brain says "not until the sun is up." stop. let me sleep. and my brain says "no."

its 4:44am right now. im so tired. but sleep isnt an option anymore. im haulcinating. bugs. bugs everywhere. STOP. LET ME SLEEP. and my brain says "no." my brain says "not until the sun is up." stop. let me sleep. and my brain says "no.

I was so excited for today, it's the first day of school and I was excited to see all my friends again . I was walking to lunch with my friend Mindy B when her girlfriend, Amy, came out of her class. I was friends with Amy for a long time but today she didn't even look at me. I just kind of distanced and now I'm sitting at lunch next to Mindy and Amy, but not close enough to talk easily.

I did something last year that could've made her hate me, and I don't like thinking about it, but here it is:

at the end of the year last year, I'm talking like last week of school, I was sitting at lunch with JJ, Amy, Will, Katy, and Mindy B. I made a random joke, like "'hey mom where do birds come from?' 'UH- BIRDS!'" and JJ, who's religious, was talking about Christianity when I made this joke, and he said to me, "Yeah, but where do those birds come from?" I get highly uncomfortable when people bring up religious topics, so I kind of blew up. I said that no one really cared and that he should just shut up. Of course after that I felt so horrible I could kick myself (and actually did).

Amy got upset with me, as well as JJ, but JJ forgave me. Amy obviously didn't. SO how do I make it right? I hate myself for what I said, and wish I'd never said any of it. So what do I do?

I use to be proud of my family name. I am from a small town so when people would find out my lastnight they would say oh your related to this person they are such an awesome and generous person. Now I am ashamed. Ever since I found out my grandfather SA my little brother my family hasn’t been the same. People took sides on whether they believe him or not. They thought my grandfather is this well known, intelligent hard working guy he could never do something like that. Well I knew the truth.that he was just to embarrassed and ashamed to admit to what he did he fled to another country. Our relationship fizzled out and when he passed. The family we right we had left got even worse. My grandfather was a wealthy man so of course everyone fought over money.

In a time when we should be helping and grieving together turned to money. His brother and his family being the worst. Taking control of everything and selling property that had been in my family for generations. I didn’t care for the money but that hurt the most. Something that’s an always promised to stay in the family was sold off like it meant nothing. Like it wasn’t the one place that held all the good memories before the fighting accusations and money, hungry people.. as I’ve gotten older it’s sad, but I’ve learned just because your blood doesn’t mean your family. It’s the people who show up for you. so no longer am I proud to say my family name. No it’s just a distant memory of what could’ve been.

Hello loml. I still think about you up to this day and it doesn't get any better lol. I hope you doing okay.

Confession

So, I want to start by saying this is 100% a real experience I’m going through. And although it is s*xual in nature it is NOT just some s*xual post by someone trying to get off through the comments. Anyways. 3 years ago my fiancé passed away suddenly after being with each other since we were teenagers. She was 26. We had the most connected and comfortable s*xual relationship that it’s humanly possible. We knew what each other wanted, we were comfortable exploring any and everything DEEP in our minds, no matter how “weird” it got. It was incredible. And not to mention she was BEAUTIFUL. And I know every man says that about their partner but it’s different when they actually are attractive on a level where they could have ANYONE they want. She was mixed. Light skin. 5’5 145 lbs with curves everywhere. Just perfect. Anyways, since her passing. It has been hell for me emotional but also sexually. Just how connected we were with it in general makes me think it’ll never happen again. That I’ll never be as attracted or mentally-s*xual able to explore anyone’s mind like hers again. Moving on, after so long with not only missing her touch, but a females presence or touch at all, it’s been brutal. And I’m a pretty good looking guy. 6’5 230 lbs. Long hair. And I’m not bragging I’m just saying, this isn’t a case of a guy who just can’t attract women. Never had a problem. Moving on. Pleasuring myself has even been difficult do to me thinking of her and even using p*rn is hard to do because we use to watch it together and very shortly after trying to take care of my natural urges, I slowing lose the RISE and ability to finish due to the thoughts. And do to that, its been over 2 years since I have “released”by taking care of it myself. Still I have very sexual dreams. To the point I wake up VERY…uncontrollably throbbing, only to have the same outcome of thinking of her and losing the ability. It’s been torture. I know that a females touch and help would probably fix this over time, but the women I HAVE connected with and hung out with just weren’t the same and it quickly ended due to me just not feeling it. So here’s where it gets kind of “weird” but it’s just truth and I have to get SOMEBODY to hear me even if it’s anonymous. So it’s been 3 years and over 2 years since I’ve had any relief at all. Recently, I’ve been having dreams OF ME DREAMING, waking up hard, and my mom coming in to help me, tells me to close my eyes and just think of it as a mother helping her son. No different than helping her son get dressed or feeding your child as a mother when young. And usually not long after, I wake up and think to myself, OMG how weird and usually my hardness fades away quick and I try and erase it from my mind. But it’s been happening almost EVERY NIGHT now, after increasing more and more. The only difference is, now, I find myself actually thinking about how it would feel, and while it not being anything about actual sex, or being exactly like it was with my fiancé, but maybe it’s just the “being taken care of, and the nurturing part of it, that is making me actually think of acting upon it. And my mom was a cheerleader. Very beautiful even now in her late 40s. She and my dad divorced when I was really young. And I know what you’re thinking. This is probably some fetish post or something but it’s genuinely not. This IS REAL. So, moving on. My last dream, I remembered something my mom said to me some time ago, when I fell asleep on the couch at her house (the one I grew up in) and evidently had a huge bulge in my pants while sleeping. She woke me up to tell me and I was super embarrassed, and she said “it’s fine, hun! Nothing I haven’t seen before. You use to get like that even when you were little you were like that all the time” and while I know she wasn’t talking about touching me. It just made me think. How would I actually go about even coming close to getting on this subject with her and telling her about the hell im going through with all this sexual tension and not just wanting to hire some hooker or something to do it. And I thought to myself. What it, when my mom texts me (usually every day or two) and asks me how I’m doing. What if I tell her the truth about what’s going on with my waking up throbbing and all the tension. Literally bothering my life. Just to see what she would say? Maybe she’d say “well why don’t you take care of that” just being funny or something, which could open the door for me to explain to her how I can’t because of the immediate thought of my late fiancé, and how the thought of doing it myself, and not her helping me, immediately stops my ability to do it. Ya know JUST to see what she would say. This is all new to me and again, I’m not some weirdo that is just having a taboo fantasy. And I’m IN NO WAY insinuating ACTUAL S*X with her. This is just something I’m legitimately dealing with. What should I do? It’s getting EXCRUCIATING and I can’t stop thinking about it. God the relief I would feel if I could just ACTUALLY have this happen and feel nurturing love again, someone genuinely wanting me to have relief, making it happen, for ME, again. Even if it’s like this. Thanks for listening.

It’s the fifth day I’ve been trying to cope with my anxiety, and honestly, I feel like I’m barely holding it together. So my job isn’t anything special - just a convenience store, but even the smallest things feel like mountains. When my co-workers or manager tell me to sort things or do some task, my brain freezes. I have ADHD, the inattentive type, and it’s like my mind just refuses to focus, no matter how much I push myself. Then I feel useless for not being able to do something that seems so easy for everyone else. I know deep down this job isn’t for me. I’m the creative type - I share my art on Tumblr and SpaceHey, but I dropped out of college, and my parents didn’t take that well. Now... I’m stuck, trying to make enough for therapy and to keep my apartment, while feeling like I’m slowly wearing myself out haha. I don’t even know where to put all these thoughts anymore... I just wanted to scream them somewhere into the nowhere, and maybe someone will hear me. That’s why I’m here. I keep telling myself it’s temporary, that I just have to get through this week, this month, maybe this year… but it’s exhausting living like that. Every shift feels like I’m running on fumes, pretending I’m fine while my chest feels tight and my brain feels like static. >_<

I’m also running out of my meds, which doesn’t help at all... I work on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday, but even on my so-called “free” days, I can’t really take care of it. Either one of my co-workers doesn’t show up and I have to cover for them, or I have to spend the time trying to get therapy appointments. It feels like there’s never a break, like my life is just a loop of working, being too tired, and trying to keep my head above water.

When you have a lot to say but the people you call closest to you do not try to understand you, your soul and body give you some warnings. I've never been a "I can't live without music, I can't do anything without music" person.I always felt strange because there were so many people like this around me, but I realized that I also have a different connection with music.I have a long-standing relationship with someone who I am certain will be my future wife.(a whole 3 years) Maybe I deceived myself, maybe I ignored all of this just because I loved him so much.He doesn't trust me. Yes, I can't believe it either and I don't want to accept this fact, but he doesn't trust me.He repeatedly questions my every action, does not want me to have any contact with the opposite sex, and demands screenshots of all my conversations with my girlfriend. So what does this have to do with music?

"Come on, let's give up without forcing anything. You are the sane man, I am the tired man.

.

.

We're aiming high again

Life is passing us by, step by step

I've had enough, let me be

Let's find a place, far from the world"

I realized I was saying these words to myself even though I hadn't listened to this song for a very long time.Those words that came to my mind out of the blue after I noticed my boyfriend's behavior..We've certainly gone through some tough times in our relationship, but we've never experienced any insecurity. While I trusted him with my whole body and soul, I also believed he trusted me with his whole body and soul. I'm so confused. If you've read this far, thank you, but no one will likely respond to my post. At least I've poured out my heart.

We had an intelligence test at school and the teacher told me I had “musical intelligence”. I’m very proud of it since I love music so much! I love listening to Eve mostly and I’m trying to learn Japanese because of it. Are there any other Eve fans here? I’d like to know if you have any favorite songs (no matter the artist), I want to hear different styles.

I was a toddler, I was texting someone who used to be friends with her and found out she told them I was the one who s#xually assaulted her. I was a toddler, she knew better, she's the one that did it to me severely and now she's playing the victim. Whenever because of her actions I can't even be comfortable showing any skin or accepting any touch? She blocked me after I tried asking her why she would lie about that and since has done nothing but just blatantly lie about my name? Not even just that but I know she did it to her little sister too, and remember the friend I said I was talking to? He was also a victim of her yet she denies it. She literally got mad when she asked to do something to me when I was 9 Infront of her little sister because I said no? She's a grown ass adult and I'm a minor at the moment and the fact she's blaming me is crazy.

Here comes another sleepless night because all I can do is cry and think. Think about what normal people would call nonsense, but in this case it just… all adds up. So… I’ve been with my bf for more than a year. Since the beginning things were difficult. We would argue often, he wanted to break up multiple times, and I ended up turning my life upside town and changing 90% of me, mostly to „become myself again” and escape the influence of people I called friends, but I know that some things I did were all and only for him to stay. Now this part is almost „stable”, even tho there are still things that are wrong about me and I am aware of that and the cause of all of this (family issues, the fucked up way I was raised). But… ever since I can remember my bf used to mention his ex often. Always in a good way, recalling good memories etc. He told me A LOT about their relationship, how their mother liked him, how they liked to spend time together, damn he even sent me multiple pictures of them together MULTIPLE TIMES… I remember one time I said something bad about his ex, out of jealousy when he was talking about them again, and he got all protective, and almost aggressive like I just insulted someone important to him. He’s been never intimate with his ex, but he is with me every fucking time we see each other and this also makes me sick. Makes me feel like I’m his little cum bucket, walking piece of meat (mostly tits, ass and thighs) even tho he said he never saw me only in this way. I just can’t… when I recall the things he told me about his relationship with his ex, and when I compare it to what we have, I’m starting to fucking cry, because I feel like I’m never gonna be such an amazing partner like his ex was, I feel like he’s with me just to have anybody by his side. I can’t take the fact that I had to change so, so much only for him to not want to leave me, but his ex just came to his life and he was obsessed with them. They never annoyed him, but he told me multiple times how annoying can I get. Damn, he even told me how his ex would get him out of toxic activities, and how they would help him with his mental health etc, BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL I CANT DO SHIT LIKE THEM CUZ MY MOTHER NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW TO SHOW LOVE. I… I feel like I’m not even his real partner. Like I’m just there to fill the empty space. They broke up almost 2 years ago but still I can feel he misses them, but he’s never gonna admit it. He’s just comfortable with me. With chunks of meat to grab and sexualize. I wanna tear my fucking skin and replace it with his exes because maybe if I became them he would be finally happy and would not want to leave… I’m such a fuck up. I think I’m gonna cry again. Idk how this site works, I have no friends because I was kind of forced to cut ties with them, and I don’t have the strength to talk to anyone.

This is my first year in school since five years (I was homeschooled) and I have trouble talking to people in fear of being rude or misunderstood. I met a girl who was very understanding of my sarcasm and candidness and she became my friend and introduced me to her friend group. I became absent for a day due to illness to find out that one of the girls in the group turned the entire 8 person friend group against me. She told them that everything I’ve ever said was simply rude and that I judge her work in class (even though I’ve never sat next to her in class and the only time I did sit next to her I told her that her work is beautiful). I now sit alone again and I can’t find good friends who want to be with me for who I am and not what I am (I have insecurities of being used since that was what kept happening to me). I feel lonely all the time but I can’t make friends. Any thoughts?

Huuuge vent/dump of thoughts

So it's the 9 of August. Currently 5:30 am. I can't sleep. Yesterday, i was a bit stumped on what do all morning. Then by lunch she was mad at me. Which was fair cause i didn't do the dishes. And she was mad that I 'have fun cooking' and then don't do the dishes. Which she's right on, even though i barely cooked recently and the only dishes i used were the ones we used to eat. Also the times where i do wash them, somehow she just doesn't notice ig? Cause she still says i haven't done in months, like the day after. But idk maybe doesn't count. She's like that with a lot of other stuff, like sweeping the floor for example, which i have done like 6 or 7 times in last few weeks, specifically because She asked and said she wanted to mop the floors. And she still hasn't done though? She's only done it in a very small spot because It was necessary, but then got mad when i skipped a room last time. It's not a big deal but still weird. Anyway today She was mad about me. And usually i just kinda hide untill It passes and today i did the same, i Just kinda hid in the bathroom as long as possible untill i couldn't anymore cause i had to cook and even after that I was staring at my phone and just trying to get through lunch as fast as possible to go back in my room. And i wasn't really looking at her cause i didn't want her to get mad again. And then she was asking for sugar and water and basically she felt bad. Maybe low Sugar/low Blood pressure. She said It was probably bc she eat little sugar. Which yeah. That's why since SHE IS THE ONE CONCIOUSLY CHOOSING TO EAT LOW SUGAR AND TO EAT HALF ASSED MEALS ALL THE TIME cause:

1)She doesn't like cooking and usually puts no effort in It.

2) She's been self concious lately, more than usual, and has been obsessed with dieting and losing weight etc. She's always has been since i was a kid and pushed that stuff since i can remember. ( I was 5/6 when she'd make me watch TV shows about overweight people who were on the verge of dying, and She used to say i'd be like them one day and die young.) But lately It's her new obsession.

Which. All in all. Both points are Fair. Do what you want. Even though, clearly there's a flaw in your judment if you feel this bad. (For referece It's even the first time and i told her multiple times to eat more sugar, i've tried even packing her lunch when she went to work and i to school, but sometimes she "didn't see It". I honestly It woundn't have been as much of a problem for now that we're at home more often, but whatever. That aside. After she felt better she went on about how i didn't even notice and was just staring at my phone (which i was because I Just wanted to leave and feel safe in my bedroom.) and that I need to "wake up". Basically she thinks i'm dumb. Which, sure, she's not off the mark right there. And Just all of that has been on my head all day. And there's just this huge feeling of painfull dread like under my rib cage that i can't shake off. I didn't really do much after that. I made some drawing which i am quite happy with + made dinner. And i've just been really stuck on the fact that i simply can't do this quite right. I should've noticed. And just in general should be Better. Idk what's wrong with me that i can't just be "good". I've tried and i'm trying but i'm just so stupid and i mess It up. Or Maybe i Just can't change the fact that i'm bad and this point less cause i'll always be a bad person. Sometimes i think i'm improving. And i think i am doing good and Better. But i'm not. I'm really not. And It just kinda feels like all my attempts at being better are fake, like three half decent ideas in thrench coat trying to make me pass as a good person when i'm not. And they're doing a terrible job by the way. I'm doing a terrible job. I should be better. Today i should've noticed. I should be preparing for September. Idk studying things I was behind on last year. Learning how to wake up sooner. Or Better yet, not let my grades slip for the past two years. Or not messing up every time i've been trying to be better for the past five years. Any would've been good. Honestly, i'm Just so tired of being bad. Sometimes i wish i wasn't here, so her life could be better and easier and i wouldn't hurt her. Other times i wish i was alone. Like really really alone, Not Just feeling alone. So at least i could be horrible alone and not hurt others and do things badly at my pace.