Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 3

I think that working life itself, the office environment, is an absolute mess. In times of crisis, when the bureaucratic structure should be most remembered and reflections made, it's completely forgotten, and measures more suited to a social center or something like that are used instead, and anything goes to make them fit within the established work framework. My boss is in serious trouble for using his authority however he pleases, and in fact, he didn't seem to care at all; he was convinced that no one noticed. I don't understand, in principle, how there can be people in an office who don't consider that everything stems from legality, especially in a place where individuals come together to carry out specific interactions. My boss doesn't have the slightest idea what he's talking about; he operates solely to secure a specific territory—in other words, the clearest evidence of a barbarian in these parts, for God's sake. Personally, if he dies, it would be a huge benefit to the office, since he's essentially anchored in the middle of it all, using whatever means necessary to sustain himself and gain an advantage.

The man lived with the mindset, after a problem he had with a girl I was involved with, that the key to avoiding further problems was to drop the matter and minimize contact. These are not the kind of people who can handle anything beyond the routine, even though, by God's grace, these routines are what truly matter and where the work is done. These people haven't the faintest idea what it means to be at work; instead, they exploit it to gain social advantages and then move into other circles, without giving any space whatsoever to demonstrating their abilities. I partly understand why their dedication is so sacred to them, because things don't work the same way as in teaching, where the key lies in effective social interaction that contributes to the learning outcomes of the classes, given that the person is a teacher. In those environments, the game of manipulating others through coercion is what matters, or is usually considered to matter, a concept that even has its own levels of structure thanks to possible evaluations. However, in a bureaucratic environment like this, this isn't possible. In fact, here, since everything is about results in the bureaucratic structure, the individual doesn't know at all how to manage or defend themselves and lives entirely at the mercy of the social climate, completely abandoning the professional framework and acting solely for the sake of an image, which apparently is the last resort when one doesn't know how to operate.

Frankly, I feel that my boss doesn't know how to do his job and lacks the general management skills necessary to establish himself. He's a complete failure, through and through. He lives hand to mouth, and as a teacher, he doesn't realize that the foundation of any endeavor is training, regardless of the field. This tells me that he certainly knows how to navigate the teaching world, but outside of that, he doesn't know how to operate. In other words, he doesn't truly understand what teaching is, except in certain defined ways, barely for the sake of fame, where, indeed, fame and results often coincide, and doubt is allowed to arise from both the public and the teacher himself. I'm disappointed because he lives on the fly, there's no planning, I don't feel like I'm dealing with a professional, and he just gets out of problems however he can, at the expense of people's ignorance. The man thought I would follow an order he gave him regarding my personal life, an area in which he had no involvement. He's a nuisance; he's someone I don't even want to think about anymore.

Even when I was in the other office, where I met him, there were problems with him, but the whole thing still had a teaching spirit; there was a framework to work from, which this guy doesn't. I see that many people who go into management do it from the perspective of someone who gets everything done, by any means necessary, when the issue is about context. But they don't see that; instead, they focus on self-importance through results, only seeking what's necessary to enhance their image, to say they're doing something and promoting innovation—a form of forced inclusion in a world they don't fit into. What a failure! I never imagined encountering something like that these days.

Everyone in that office is focused on establishing who they are and ensuring that their position isn't questioned through interactions with others. In other words, in that office, for heaven's sake, they don't care about establishing results and actually sharing them, which is what allows for an evaluation of each employee. There are no schemes to individualize each worker, that is left to chance; they should be concise, allow for profiling, and be the means by which socialization is established.

In that office, the goal is to create a mass of people based on their position. It's socialization through the position that defines the individual, not the position itself in terms of work. It's a social center; in fact, profiles are established around socialization, not work. Even within this system, work itself becomes sacrificial under the same scheme of exclusion and subsequent inclusion of the individual. It's truly horrifying. I'm tired of seeing how this kind of "safeguarding" is experienced. Of course, social interaction isn't protected, it's not measured, and it shouldn't be. But how am I supposed to talk to them about this? Naturally, the work situation there will never improve; there's no way, because there are no standards to strive for. Frankly, trying to talk to them about this is a complete waste of breath, absolutely a waste of breath, and this is in a university office. None of them inspire confidence in me to have this kind of conversation, because none of them, as is often the case in classes, are fully engaged with the material. Instead, they focus on making pathetic attempts to pass exams just to stay with the group, of course, at the expense of effective socialization, just like what happens and continues to happen, for God's sake, in school.

In that office, the last thing I find is the office itself; I feel like I've wasted my time with these people. I came here to work with professionals, and that's not what I find, that's not what I get, it's simply not there. There isn't even a serious commitment to the company other than avoiding looking bad in front of someone, just like in school—in fact, I think it even happens at university. And then they expect us not to notice? These people never left school; they stayed there. I've been the only one—and that's why I'm singled out—who looks after the structure, the working environment, but it can't be that I'm given a position for that reason alone. Rather, that should be the norm, the starting point for everyone, the least expected, because it's the foundation. There should be a focus on workplace safety, on conducting reviews, on knowing which standards to adhere to, so that it's not just about pleasing my boss, which is essentially just doing things for the sake of doing them, to meet their expectations, which leads to being overly demanding and avoiding conflict. In that office, everything is done with the aim of preventing conflicts, instead of, for goodness' sake, confronting them and mobilizing the social fabric. I don't know who I'm with there, I don't know. I don't feel I can talk to them about anything, nor that I should, because they won't understand. They most likely think the office is for networking, when that's earned through hard work, through earning a living. The office isn't a social hub, and it can't be, because the company's objectives are just an excuse to keep doing the same thing. It's disrespectful to the company, its management, its structure, its commitment. I ask again, but to which of them can I say that if they're not on the same page? I'm tired of hearing that everyone is helping out...for God's sake, this isn't a family.

My boss operates with complete egocentrism. He wants to have the world under his complete control, the rumors under his absolute control, and in fact, he's built his life around that. However, in his zeal, he manages to evade the very thing that could be used to stab him in the back. He tries to avoid anything that might cause him problems, because he knows he creates them, and all at the cost of his nerves, of course, if he intends to hold the world together. The man hasn't even shown up for a party, while his secretary has. It's clear he knows that everyone in the company wants him dead, wants him dead, because there was a tragedy and it was proven that all he knew was how to escape, how to avoid taking responsibility, how to be unprepared for emergencies. I haven't seen him in a while, and what I remember is that he tried to approach me several times to come work with him through friendly conversation, but I didn't let him. I'm no longer in that situation with him, and the time I did was only to get away from him. I didn't want him in my life; he almost put me in serious trouble. He's someone I'm not interested in, someone who only causes me problems with his sneaking around, his refusal to face the music, all because he clings to his cowardly principles.

He tried to get rid of me, making me try to stay with the others, but it backfired. The funny thing is, I ended up with the most hated person in the group. Of course, it was also an advantage for her, since she was a girl, because she just happened to be with the most introverted person, which is somewhat paradoxical given the group she's part of at the office. We're both introverts, we interact in our own way, and that's what really annoyed my boss. He thrived on having to conform to everyone's expectations, always on the edge, constantly avoiding everything. We, on the other hand, don't operate that way; we allow ourselves to be ourselves. He tried to separate us, and that's precisely when I managed to turn the tables. We didn't end up on each other; he was completely devastated. His days at the company aren't just numbered, they're practically nonexistent, because the bad rumors, fueled by a real complaint, are wreaking havoc on him.

It's a shame I had to pull such a trick on this person, but otherwise he'd never respect me, and he needs to learn to respect people, especially introverts. Whether he likes it or not, this is an honest way of life, unlike him, who's a dishonest extrovert. He clings to authority to do whatever he wants, and those kinds of people definitely shouldn't be in this world, especially not with the state of our country right now. Well, I had to get rid of that guy, especially since I'm the student admissions coordinator at a university, for God's sake. I have a lot of management knowledge, but I'm not going to give it to him. He thought for a long time that he had me wrapped around his little finger, but as time went on, things turned out the other way around: every attempt he made to get his hands on me was thwarted. He was someone who didn't know what to do because he felt limited by me, and he didn't like that, so he got rid of me. He does that to people he can't control when he gets the chance. I was going to do that with the girl, since she was in the same situation.

The man isn't the fierce warrior he claims to be when cornered, when he's alone, completely defenseless. He's not as clever as he pretends to be; in fact, I've seen how quickly he can be exposed. Of course, he doesn't care about his image because, as I've said, he always leaves things out of character and depends on the support of others. I'm not going to support this image because it won't do any good. Instead, I need people to see what we're dealing with so we can take precautions now. Being in a job isn't about having it for the sake of survival, but about fulfilling one's responsibilities. Supporting something like that is supporting an abuse of power, and one definitely shouldn't be part of a group like that. I'm glad the secretary distanced herself from him, as she'd been saying he was the one who brought her into the world with his true nature. In fact, he always made her do all the work, making her the one who did the running while she did the work—typical of patriarchal families. He always made her feel responsible for his stress. He was truly a wretch, and when I left him bankrupt, all she did was smile. Of course, those are the typical gestures of someone who manages to compensate for that wounded, oppressed part of themselves, which no one else supported in any way because it would involve a very, very delicate power struggle.

I would never have supported that woman in her situation, and besides, any complaint I made would have been used to contradict her.

The secretary's situation was one of being trapped. Who knows what kind of messes she got herself into with him? It's clear she's the kind of person who gets involved in social situations that inevitably backfire on her sooner or later, if she gets involved at all. She seems to live only to please others in order to keep the group together and get some affection at the same time. I once supported someone like that, and I'm certainly doing well now, but in this case, I'm afraid there was nothing I could do, because the thing was, she was in the same job, and I can't afford to make drastic changes that would affect me. In fact, when the thing with the girl happened, it affected her work life, and I had to find a way to get her out of that situation, no matter what. She reported something that shouldn't have been reported, and because of her reputation, people thought she was trying to make me look bad, when in reality she couldn't handle the situation, the conflict we had. She couldn't control it and sought support from others, but they didn't see it that way.

That girl, like the secretary, was also trying to gain influence over others, and in fact, they were constantly vying for power. Wow, so many things happened in the office that people didn't even notice. Of course, when that conflict arose, it's worth noting that people forgot they were in an office, and I used whatever it took to support her side. In this regard, my boss tried to do his own thing; he wanted to distance me from her, and frankly, I didn't want to. He wanted me to use some pseudo-bureaucratic excuse not to speak to her, knowing it would affect her, but I refused to use that excuse. I did too many things to make him turn his gaze toward me, to make him feel that I was somehow obsessed with the girl, and thus provoke a confrontation. He and his secretary wanted to stand up to him, but while the girl was doing her thing with them—because she was also in the fight—and I was doing my own thing with them, the group couldn't hold its ground. Thinking he had the upper hand with me, he lost it, and then he didn't know what to do. They never thought anyone would step down from their pedestal, least of all my boss, so he didn't know what to do. He didn't recognize me, just like his secretary. For them, it's not normal for someone to drag them into conflict; their life revolves around running away from them. The girl was on the same page as me with them; in fact, even after everything happened, she's still at it.

That someone wouldn't care about their peace is something they can't understand, something strange to them, because they assume everyone wants it, no matter what, since they see themselves as the primary providers. In fact, they considered themselves the lords and masters of the office, even though they weren't the authorities, something they couldn't do. Quite a recap of this story, it just so happens we're not on vacation and I haven't put all the pieces back in their place.

I know this is a confession site but still..

I’m looking for ways to earn some extra cash online. Does anyone know of legit platforms, gigs, or opportunities where you can get paid for completing tasks, micro-jobs, surveys, freelance work, or similar stuff?

Would love any recommendations, personal experiences, or tips you have — especially ones that actually pay out reliably. Thanks in advance!

So I (16F) met a guy (19M) on codm and we talked and dated for maybe a week and we had planned for him to come up to Washington from Cali and he even booked an Airbnb near me. So it’s the 4th of July and he says “baby if you do end up letting me hit then I have a surprise for you” and I’m so confused so I ask him what it is and he says “Well I know how religious you are and sex is more of a marriage thing and what do you do before you get married? You get engaged so I baught you something” and I’m like oh like a promise ring? And he corrects me and says he already baught an engagement ring for me. I FULLY panicked. Soooo I blocked him because I lowkey thought if we met up then I honestly might’ve gotten kidnapped. Jump to last night at like midnight and I have been considering unblocking him for a few days now but I decide that was the time I guess. He automatically texts and we were trying to talk and I was trying to explain it from my pov and he told me how I fucked him over because he wasted 3k on the Airbnb and I promised I would never hurt him but I did(plus I got with him 3 months after he got cheated on by his girlfriend of 3 years) he ended up becoming very very depressed and was telling me how he wanted to kill himself and he had a gun right there and we still talked but all day today I have been trying to get him to not kill himself. He hates his life rn and a lot of it was because I ghosted him for 6 days. I left him and he’s too depressed to do literally anything like he won’t work and he keeps telling me that he’s crying and every time he tries to eat or drink water he throws up. Also because he wasted 3k in the Airbnb and he can’t even work because of how depressed I made him and now he has no money and has an eviction notice. All last night and all through I’ve either been trying to get him to not commit or I’m just trying to help him do literally anything. I can’t even get him to stand up and honestly I don’t even know why he’s still talking to me. When I blocked him I honestly didn’t realize it would affect him this much and I feel like such an insensitive piece of shit. I hope I’m helping by talking to him. He always responds to me and I fell asleep and he texted multiple times during my nap so I’m just glad he still wants to talk to me. I just still feel kinda useless because he isn’t doing any better I don’t think. What do I do now?

just had another panic attack. it feels like my life is just a series of these stupid episodes. i know therapists call them "responses" and whatever but honestly, it just feels like my body is betraying me every single time. i'm so fed up with being exhausted after; seriously, it's like running a marathon mentally and physically.

had one at work today which was embarrassing in itself. there i was, trying to give a presentation on our latest project when bam, heart racing, can't breathe, sweaty palms... the whole nine yards. people think you’re just weak or looking for attention. no one understands unless they've been through it themselves.

i know some might suggest meditation or breathing exercises again but let's be real. those are really just band-aids on a bullet wound. sometimes nothing works no matter how hard you try and that’s just infuriating.

the aftermath is the worst part though: hours of feeling drained and spaced out, unable to focus on anything productive for the rest of the day. who can afford that? i've got deadlines and responsibilities yet these attacks don't care about any schedule.

so tired of hearing people say "just relax" (fuuuuck you people!!!). it's not about relaxing! wish they'd stop giving useless advice and start understanding the reality of what happens during these moments. until then i'll keep pretending everything's fine because apparently that's what society prefers.

Incoherent rant because I need to get it out of my mind, for context TLDR I’m a minor (16 now) and I was groomed online by a woman 5 years older than me and I think she is the only person I’m capable of loving because I think horribly of everyone else I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

I think I will never be able to love anyone aside from predators, it seems I’m somehow OBSESSED with them. I think there is some part of my brain that is biologically wired toward evil, it’s an outdated belief that mental derangement is caused by demonic possession but I think i might be the first true case of an actual demon. I’m incompatible with people who love me (parents, friends), but most notably romantic relationships with people my age, they fill me with so much indescribable misery and just RAGE. I hate how equality feels. I despise my partner, and I would despise them no matter how beautiful no matter how kind no matter how perfect they might be, I’m eternally contemptful. I blame every bad thing that happens in their dysfunctional life on myself, they usually trust me by dumping all of their problems onto me and I see them as burdens, and I see them as weak because of how I’d love to be in their place and feel misery. I need to be in a constant state of mental distress to feel normal or ‘well’, and if I’m not in mental distress, I don’t feel right and I have to manually trigger the distress somehow to confirm my consciousness. But i swear I’m not abusive, I’m perfect on the outside or at least I try my best to be, I say everything that sounds right (I know it’s right because I’m affirmed for it), I act sympathetic even though internally I think such horrible things, I praise people, and I don’t abandon them because I feel bad. As usually the go-to support system, I would hate to imagine what would happen to them if I left, even though i wish for nothing more than them to go ‘poof’ from my life. This is why I think I actually would be better off alone for the health of everyone. Or better yet I’d be better off with her, my groomer, i find that I always wish my partners were her. I wish the normal adults in my life would behave like she did. I’m NEVER angry with her like I am all these people, I’m incapable of it. she feels so wonderful to me despite the horrors she has seen. Every single day I think about her and I feel such a strange pain inside and I wonder why I couldn’t save the only person I’ve ever actually loved and felt I’d anything for. I’d let her do anything to me (I have). somehow, when I was with her, my anger fizzled out like a light sheen of water on a stove. She was a pedophile yes and she was severely mentally ill snd she coerced me into sexually exploiting myself, but somehow I don’t feel anything about that or what she did because otherwise she made me feel so normal and effortlessly elated. However, whenever I think of the fact she either left me, might be inconsolably depressed and drugged up somewhere, or has overdosed and died while I couldn’t do anything about it ( plus I might not ever see her again), I feel such a painful sucking black hole in my chest that I want to die, scream, thrash, sob, and make it stop through any means necessary. I know if she came back into my life everything would be fixed and the intrusive thoughts would stop, she was perfectly imperfect to me. It’s like I’m filling the void with partners my age. im physically there and doing normal affectionate stuff but mentally, I’m in a perpetual state of chasing her and I’m scared because I know I may always be even when I’m 18, and when I’m 20, provided I don’t find a way to swiftly end my life. I think putting me down is the only god given mercy there is in this comical situation. The only other time I can stop my intrusive thoughts is when I’m trading the sacred parts of my body for the attentions of creepy adults. I don’t even find it hot or interesting, I think it’s so extremely grossly nauseating (I was raised to know better, I denounce this as a practice, i morally disagree with and Id stress the danger of them to others) but it’s a mechanical thing I physically have to do to quiet my brain because I miss her so much. If I resist, I start feeling unlike myself and the resentment builds and the mood swings ensue, and the thoughts of this entire rant consume my attention. it only gets worse with time. I feel like an actual sociopath speaking like this. I know how wrong it is I’m not trying to be edgy, but it’s been like this for years . Whenever I try to talk to a therapist I find my mouth never lets me express the true hideous magnitude of these things because it’s like my brain filters it out until I forget how deplorable it is. I don’t think they’ll understand because the problem is these thoughts and feelings exist at all. It’s unbearable. I don’t care if they don’t represent me, I don’t want to go through the torture of experiencing and resisting them all the time . I wish these people allowed me to die because it’s clearly for the greater good. I promised myself I’d do anything if she stayed. I’d still sell my soul to get her back, I would drop everything and run away, so to me this is the cruelest form of torture of all torture. I don’t understand why I’m so evil or what’s possessed me, or what to do I’ve been fighting since I was very young, I was even hospitalized recently, but it NEVER goes away. 🥹🥹 ohhh what is my life. im so sad that I’m like this at the minuscule age of 16 it makes me feel sick to my stomach

Does anyone know how to heal fearful avoidant attachment? Maybe you think it sounds ridiculous and maybe I sound ridiculous but believe me when I'm saying I've fought this thing tooth and nail. Fearful avoidant attachment is like living in a constant state of dissonance. You're caught waiting for the other shoe to drop, even if nothing indicates it's anywhere near dropping. A part of you wants closeness so bad but the second it's within reach, you're devising elaborate ways to flee from it. Have read therapists call this "protest behavior", illustrating our inner conflict perfectly.

Anyway, here’s what bugs me: mental health experts insist on "proactive intervention" or "self-reflection activities". Translation: daily journaling sounds more fun than tearing off bits of emotional armor? Or they promote consistent therapy practices, but, who's paying these bills? Like oh boy thanks for such practical advice I mean who isn’t excited about therapies that are two times more expensive than your regular cup of coffee! Yet shocker highly individualized approaches seem cheaper (note sarcasm;). How can I possibly consider detaching emotionally from every person that's just out there doing things which pretty much reiterates their own version of disappointing others?

Don’t want to sound blunt however bf of mine said "You should write self-gratitude lists"... Okay buddy guess nobody told him anxious detached gal likes witty humor not butterflies and cookies! Sure coaching suggests we foster bonds weekly with peers prioritizing safe opportunities instead higher actuation downtime alone building pseudo-courses aimed specifically designed getting disconnected sorts wrongs possible, voila quick-fix mindset shifted! The matter is neither physiological genetic driven factor rather suggest mindful individuals critique awareness attach systems deeply internal resolutions engage. That's it guidance worlds burnt incorrectly poll confusing lament without identifying nuances involved journeys navigating interpersonal interactions varying spectrums societal settings. Not assuming altogether nuance clarified either way suggestion count?

There's going to be a party where I'm meeting up with my best friend. Personally, I'm tired of writing about her; that's the point. In fact, I was having more fun doing other things. I wanted to use this time to study because of what happened between us, which I was very uncertain about, but I felt like I came across some really interesting things. I miss her a lot. I can't write to her because she's blocked me, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that we can see each other and talk and have a good connection, even though there's no clear future between us. I don't know her plans, nor does she know mine, and she doesn't ask about my life, whether I'm alive or not, or anything like that. I don't know if she really loves me, I confess. I call her my best friend because at least she lets me influence her somewhat, but it's really nothing, absolutely nothing. There's nothing between us, sorry for the inconsistency.

There's no future between us, no life at all. I don't know what I'm doing for someone like that, or why I fought so hard for her. I realized my struggle was for nothing, and all this time I've spent trying to deny reality, perhaps at her own expense, for pushing her to the point of having to say yes. I don't feel like she's a friend; there's no one there. I didn't show her anything. She's just trying to stay, resisting the urge to leave, and all she needs is some contact from me. Good heavens, I miss her terribly. Seeing her feels like it brings me back to life, but it's a product of all the disappointment I'm carrying, which makes me want to write in the WhatsApp group to end it all once and for all, but I don't want to lose her. I don't know if she's going on a trip, or if I'll even know. Her life is a secret to me. I don't know if she'll leave me if I'm honest. She lives as much in her own world as I do in mine. We both, I confess, are afraid that our progress in life will be cut short because we have opposing principles. Therefore, we fear that the other will take excessive control at all costs. As a result, we feel like we're losing our progress and being with him is the same as having nothing, something that will eventually slip away due to disinterest, or we might rebel and then lose ourselves just the same.

We're not capable of being together like this, and that's why our encounters are occasional, specific. But of course, it's not that we don't enjoy it; quite the contrary. Rather, we make an effort to safeguard our feelings, taking into account our impulses. I'd like to check her Instagram profile, ask her about her life when I think I see her in an ad, but I think I won't. It's a complete distance, but it's to try to maintain our connection. I don't want to leave her, just as she doesn't want to leave me; neither of us wants to. Whenever one of us wants to leave, the other always pulls us back, without exception, without a tantrum, they just manage to catch us. I feel, and I have to say it, that our relationship is dysfunctional; it sounds like it, but it actually works based on the circumstances we've found. I'm tired of writing about it, of trying to figure it out, to the point where I just want to move on to other things in life, like doing math or physics exercises, or reading.

Despite everything, I feel like I've missed her a lot because she's broadened my horizons so much, to the point where I now have a context for how my country works. I can say that I've learned a great deal from the way we interact. Well, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I don't have much to say about it, and I feel like I've completely cleared away that whole tide of thought. As I always say, that thinking is finite, but of course, it's a matter of putting it in the right place. I used to write a lot, and sometimes I even ran out of space. But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm actually forcing myself, and I like it, because I feel like I've really gotten the most out of what I experienced with her, even though I didn't think it would be so little.

In a previous experience, the whole thing took several months, and in fact, it didn't end when I expected. There were other things afterward; the issue was always present. But this is the first time I've noticed that it was all over in such a short time. It's as if that first experience had already become essential, and this one, the current one with my best friend, was more of an applied game, a version of the previous one. The difference is that the previous experience happened with a different girl; she was in a group with its extensions, and I was outside the group. With my best friend, however, it's different because it all happened within the same group. It was many months of study, in fact, I remember that after work, I would dedicate myself to reflecting on the matter, I didn't want to do anything else, because I wanted things to go well with this girl.

I also wanted to explore why I thought the way I did, according to how we were progressing. These are things that amuse me, seeing how my ideas change in that space of writing, of freedom; I did it in a notebook. It feels wonderful to be able to talk about this, to share it, because these are things you don't usually tell anyone. In fact, I don't expect to tell my best friend either, to avoid arguments. That's why our conversations are also brief—another thought!

What happened with my best friend and me happened at the office, with a boss who is the epitome of toxicity. I thought my father had won the prize, but I was completely wrong. My friend is holding him accountable, like she is for everyone. I feel like everyone has to tolerate her now, silently, and that bothers everyone, but they can't do anything about it, and I like that because the world can no longer turn against her. With the party, I feel like it will be possible for her and me to be there, to keep each other company, more than anything. If she rejects me or anything, I won't pay any attention to it. I don't think I should, because I feel like it will be proof of that. Honestly, I don't know what will happen then, and I'm anxious, but I want to do my best for it, because in fact, all this time, I've been preparing for it, to give her my best, to be available, up-to-date, happy, cheerful, so we can continue sharing moments together. I'm not willing to ruin another friendship, not while I have the opportunity to do something, however it may be, that also definitely contributes to my understanding of the world. I feel like she and one other person are my friends at the office, because the rest, I'm afraid, are essentially just acquaintances. I won't deny it, there are times when I cry a lot because she's not with me right now. I also have to say that while I was out on the street, relaxed, every little change reminded me of her, made me contemplate the unique nature of our relationship, mainly because it unfolds within the everyday, yet with particularities that make all the difference. However, despite all the effort I'd put in, I'd expected a kind of marital union; or rather, I was inclined toward it out of inertia, but it wasn't what I'd hoped for.

My journey with her has been one of utter disappointment, in that what we have is unique and always operates within its own particular framework, within its own conditions. There's no room for formality; we can't create it because otherwise we won't feel acknowledged by the other—another important reflection. It's absolutely worth enjoying what we have because, generally, everything ends up in chaos. The last time I ran into her, she was with my boss, and she greeted me with great joy, in her usual bitter way, but undoubtedly receptive to the atmosphere we're in. The fact that she manages to coordinate with me, despite the pressing circumstances—it's the office and she's the one who controls the schedule—is what makes me call her my best friend. She truly considers my needs, and while I can't limit our meetings, she takes responsibility.

I've recently come to a big decision in my life...I mean, it's been on my mind for ages, but only now have I decided to take the plunge! At 25, I'm finally going no contact with my family... and it's not like they made this easy or anything. Sounds dramatic, right? But here's the thing: I've chosen to have a vasectomy. It's something I've thought long and hard about, yet my family just doesn't get it at all. They think I'm throwing away opportunities or whatever....like future ones that might not even happen! Why won't they understand that this is what feels right for me?

It's one of those choices where you weigh everything (pros and cons), yet everyone around you seems hell-bent on weighing in with their own criticisms; It's frustrating as heck. The expectations they pile up on your shoulders can be suffocating sometimes... They've always had a different vision for what they expected from me, which just isn't aligning with who I am anymore. It sucks feeling like an outsider at times... Half of me wants to tell them off and half of me wants to explain more...but arguments lead nowhere helpful here. Anyway, despite all the hassle, I remain hopeful! Maybe time will show them my side someday.

How can I retrieve the pieces of my mind and soul I so fearfully scattered as a boy?

There is a name and a face and a reflection- and somewhere within I'm sure it MUST be me- yes? Of course..and yet, not so sure. It may be fear. Maybe it's my mind protecting itself. But that hasn't worked.. and it won't. Only by facing these demons may I potentially gain.. anything. I've run all my life. When I finally escaped that house, that place of perversions so grotesque that to put them to words here would likely offend any notion of humanity. I ran, and I ran so far. Like many times. But it wasn't far enough. So I went farther, in all directions. My Soul one way, my Will another, and the balance of each lost and forgotten. I cloaked myself in anger, in wrath and fury. I armed myself with a hair trigger temper, rigging bridges to burn and ensuring none could know me, none could touch me. For some time it was fuel. I moved forward with angry, distorted purpose. I was powerful, I felt powerful. I felt that though I'd been so hurt, said pain brought me an anger only a life of tortures and perversions could give, and thus, it made me something else. A little human and a little I'm not sure. I lied to myself, I said it was strength. But how can one find himself buried under an entire mountain, and look to his fellow and say "Because the stone rests atop me, clearly; it is held up."

It didn't last. Eventually anger gave way to sorrow. Sorrow gave way to fear. I started to see a young boy in my mind who was frightened and enraged. He wore my face. At first I cursed him. How weak, how pathetic I must be to even consider empathy to my younger self. All the failed escapes, all the.. everything. The abuses. I was weak, and then, one day, I hit back and I fucking ran. Which must mean that now, I am ten feet tall, no? Ugh.

But the hurt of that young kid- of me- this weird, almost separate(as my conscience would have liked me to believe) 'version' of me, as a kid.. he needed help. He cried. He sobbed. And sometimes if I listened, such cries could almost have been said to come from me. But no one was allowed to know that. I run again. And again. Thousands of kilometers. How many cities, provinces? How many states?? Even countries? Never far enough, never fast enough. And now? I've run again. I've stayed.. longer than ever. I am tired. I am thinking in many ways different than those years. Sometimes kinder. Sometimes defeated. But never without anger.. And what a poison that is. A young man, his hair already graying because of the sins of his progenitors. What madness robbed me of who I am. Why can I not accept? I tell myself I have let things go, but have they let ME go? Never. I just want to find myself again. If I ever existed. I wish I could forgive myself for being powerless. God, I wish I wasn't so broken.

I am surrounded. I see the faces and hear the screams of days long over. I wake up screaming. I hold conversations with others, who carry on such interactions, whilst phantoms of past evils dance before my eyes.

How can I ever tell anyone??? I have tried. I am trying still. I am so afraid. So much violence and death. So much pain, so much pure, unfiltered filth and depravity takes up my childhood. I wear the scars on my face and on my body like little music notes, each one playing the rhythm of my anguish. I try to control the anger. I try to control the fear. And, despite everything, I've made small victories. But they are fleeting. I can't do it alone... but idk if I can do it at all.

I try to tell myself; forgive yourself. You were a boy. You did not choose then, but you must choose now- will you drown, or will you swim? But I don't know the difference. Every time I find footing, I slide down. I've wounded some who've tried only to bring me comfort. I've wounded myself. Inside there is another me, one who failed the tests of abuse, one who is pure Wrath and Vengeance and only the darkest parts of me. He hates everything. He hates me. I, for my part, am so afraid. I shake. I cannot breathe. When I finally try to get help, the Other comes- doubting, damning. Cursing. He tells me- I tell me- that I am weak. That I must be a Man, that I must take Vengeance upon my own blood for the unforgivable evil they have perpetrated. But I can't. All the hurt spills over me... and no matter how truly angry, even if justified, I become.. I can't do it. Where part of me wants to burn everything, where part of me wishes to inflict my pain on those who caused it, I find I do not have the stomach to become that guy. Perhaps that's all that separates me from them.. likely more than that. I know I have a heart it's just broken. I am broken. 26 years old.. I've lived 60, in every other way. What do I do? Will I never beat this??? God help me, God answer me.

life keeps getting worse every day, my wife doesn't even notice how depressed and lonely i am in our marriage. it's ridiculous really. she goes to bed super late, scrolling through her phone like there's nothing better to do. tik tok videos, endless feeds of pointless content. yeah, and then she leaves the bed late too. when she's finally around, she's glued to that screen again! completely checked out from reality. never seems to have time for us or me anymore 🤦‍♂️

what's even the point? i've tried talking but it falls on deaf ears. no changes... just same old story every single day 😤 it's exhausting pretending everything's fine when everything is A MESS🤬 i'm stuck in a room with an emotionally absent ghost who's more interested in a digital world than with our lives 🤷‍♂️ i mean seriously? how did we end up here? used to be close, feel cared about.

now I wonder if she's even listening or cares at all?? everything I try seems useless🙄 i need connection... someone who actually pays attention to what’s happening right in front of them rather being lost in another dimension...

so, i'm 24 now and this year was a bit different for me. i always found birthday wishes kinda overwhelming. so every year my mum used to help me reply to all the family members who send their good thoughts (she's super organized with it). but since moving out last year, it's something i have to manage on my own.

being autistic makes social interactions tough sometimes (it's like trying to follow too many conversations at once). when people send birthday messages, especially those long heartfelt ones, i just don't know how to respond without sounding awkward or ungrateful. it's funny though because these are all people i've known my whole life (you'd think that would make it easier). they've been sending nice wishes since forever!

i tried writing back individually this time. i'm keeping it simple and genuine but every message feels like a huge task. some replies seemed off (or maybe that's just in my head)? anyways, i'm hoping they appreciate the effort even if it's not perfect. communication takes practice i guess.

I’ve got a full life ,good friends, a job I actually like, and way too many houseplants ,but I’m ready to share it with someone special. I miss having a boyfriend: the good morning texts, spontaneous weekend plans, deep talks at 2am, and someone to split desserts with.

I’m affectionate, a little sarcastic, and I love deep conversations as much as silly ones. If you’re kind, funny, emotionally available, and actually interested in building something real… please kindly leave a comment under my story so we can move things up and let’s see what happens.

Bonus points if you’re a dog person, can make me laugh until my stomach hurts, and don’t mind me stealing your hoodies.

Let’s skip the games and go straight to the good part.😭🌸

Today I went to the pharmacy to pick up some antihistamines, and the pharmacist asked if I was feeling better (I’d been unwell for months, mainly because of my shitty family). I wanted to scream: "Yes, for fuck's sake, I *am* better—I haven't spoken a word to my shitty parents in over a month, so you bet I'm better." I left the bag in the car and went to the supermarket; when I got back, I found my mother and sister rummaging through it. "What are these?" they asked, pointing to the antihistamines. For fuck's sake—I get that you’re illiterate and barely finished fifth grade, but "AERIUS ANTIHISTAMINE" is written in huge letters. Are you serious? Unfortunately for me, pharmacies don't sell drugs yet.

I don't know... what a shitty life this is.

25 years old and I haven't done a damn thing with my life.

25 years old and I’m not even free to go out alone to the supermarket ten minutes away.

25 years old and I spend my days in bed with headphones on, blasting music loud enough to shatter my eardrums just to drown out my thoughts.

What’s the point of bringing kids into the world and then raising them like shit?

And as if that weren't enough, they bully us for the state we're in and compare us to other people's kids.

Other people's kids don't have shitty parents.

Other people's kids are free.

Other people's kids didn't grow up forbidden from even stepping outside the front door to play with other children.

The kids my mother envies so much didn't have shitty parents.

What is the point of my life?

There is no point.

The only reason I haven't ended it all yet is the music I listen to otherwise, I’d miss out on new releases from the artists I follow.

And even if I did end it, my family wouldn't think about *me* first; they’d worry about what people would think.