Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 3

My supervisor has grown accustomed of me to write legal documents for the company when it is not my expertise (I am not a paralegal!). It just takes effort and time to research how to write legal documents and instead of me doing my actual work, I just submit these drafted documents to the lawyer and the lawyer checks my work.

So, I know life could be worse. I could be homeless. I could have a terrible family. I could be injured. But recently life has been infuriating. I’m feeling terrible! And just so angry and sad and… honestly those words aren’t good enough tbh. Honestly the word I feel the most right now is looser. I’ve been out of a job for 6 months. Ya I know. I’m living at my boyfriends house. But I’m not seeing my friends cause they’re still in college and I graduated early. I was supposed to use the year as time to save money. But no. Just spend apparently. I’m uncertain about my grad school application. And overall just feeling looser. I should change my mind set, I’m a winner and just get back up, but it’s been kind of difficult. Especially when most my days seem filled with watching garbage on Netflix or YouTube. I can’t even say that I’ve been trying super hard. Cause I’ve honestly kinda been half assing life a little bit. My best friend is halfway across the world and I can’t even speak with her for the most part cause she’s doing a stupid mission for a religion I don’t believe in. I’d say it’s a waste of her time, but then again that would be hypocritical cause what the fuck am I doing. I’m bitter. I’m angry that none of the jobs I’ve applied to have hired me, angry that the job that promised me work in March hasn’t reached back out and instead is having my friend go. They have work and they won’t give me any! It’s pissing me off! I’m not even sure why not. Is it cause I plan on going to PA with my father in a few weeks. Are they waiting till after the trip to rehire me?! Because I would like some information! But everything in the workplace nowadays has to be some sort of game of the right ballance of professionalism and charm! And if so that would leave me with another month of no work!!! Ahhhh!! And my boyfriends gonna want his rent for April soon and I don’t want to pay it! Cause I’ve got like 2000 in taxes I’m going to need to pay for my independent contracting! And for gods sake what is wrong with my bf!!! He’s been so hard to be in a relationship with for the last basically year. I thought moving in together would strengthen the relationship from our previous long distance thing, but I am upset with it. It’s so.. so!! Just… meh. There are no fireworks, no playtime, no dancing, no laughing, half the time it’s heavy seriousness. And I don’t know if this is a phase because he wasn’t always like this, or if he was just pretending to be silly and fun and cutesy when we met. And now I need adventure but he’ll never go on an adventure with me. He values work over living life! And I’m debating texting my old boss up, he texted me a little bit ago, about work, but I’d only be able to work for maybe a month or a week or two before the other job rehires me, cause they said they want me back but they won’t give me a date! I just need a date!! I can feel the judgement from my mother and everyone around me! And I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of never being enough and it’s double now that I’m literally doing nothing! And it’s been so long and I feel aimless and bored and lonely! And I miss my friends and school and I wish my relationship was better but it’s not and ya. And if I go to work with my other boss for a small amount of time I would prefer for a certain employee to not be there! Ah I hate him!! I’ve been there longer and he would act like my boss and he made me anxious and I would wake up everyday dreading seeing him. I liked that job before he was there, but here I am. And ya. Basically, I got a job that told me it wasn’t seasonal then turned out to be seasonal and now I have no job and am just waiting for them to give me work. They have asked me when I’m available I said I’m available right now, and then they gave work to someone else that I know. I’m pissed off. And all the other jobs I’ve applied to have been kind of dead ends. My mom keeps saying, “you have a degree you can literally do anything” no mom! It’s not so easy! Yes I probably could, but you have to be hired by picky ass people first! If you don’t want a garbage job doing garbage work. And what I really want to do is travel! But I don’t want to travel alone, but nobody in my life is in the position to just go on an epic adventure with me. I’m sorry this is so long. And it sounds like a bunch of excuses, but this has literally been my life for the last 6 months and I’m sick and tired of it!

lately, it’s like i’m walking around in my own body but everything feels off. like im not really here, like someone swapped out the real me and left this weird, tired, distant version behind. i still do all the same things—wake up, go to work, see people, even laugh at jokes—but none of it feels right. there’s this weird fog in my head, and even when im smiling, it doesn’t feel real. i keep thinking back to how i used to be. more energetic, more excited, more… alive, i guess. but now? now i just go through the motions and hope no one notices how weird everything feels inside. it’s like my brain is on autopilot and i’m just watching. and what’s worse is i can’t even explain it properly when someone asks what’s wrong? cuz i don’t know. i don’t know when it started, or why, or what triggered it. all i know is that i don’t feel like myself anymore—and that terrifies me.

some days are worse than others. sometimes i wake up and for a second i feel okay, like maybe today’s the day it breaks and i’ll feel normal again. but then something small happens—like i forget something stupid or someone says something in a tone that hits wrong—and boom, it’s back. the emptiness, the disconnection. i try to force myself to do the things i used to love. music, movies, friends, even food. but they don’t hit the same. i keep waiting to feel something spark again, something that says “yes, this is you,” but it just… doesn’t come. nd the more i try to force it, the more fake i feel. like i’m pretending to be okay because im supposed to be okay. i mean, nothing major is happening, i have a roof, a job, people around me. but still, this weight sits on me like i’m broken in a way no one else can see.

i thought maybe it was stress. maybe burnout or something. or maybe it’s just one of those phases people go through when they’re figuring stuff out. but it’s been weeks now, maybe even months, and i still don’t feel right. i’ve started pulling away from people cuz i don’t know how to be around them when i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i cancel plans or show up and zone out the whole time. nd it’s not that i don’t love my friends, i do. but i feel like im watching myself from the outside, doing and saying what i’m supposed to, while inside i’m just numb. or sad. or tired. or all of it. nd it makes me feel guilty too. like i’m wasting time, ruining things, making people worry when i don’t even have a good reason. so i just say i’m fine, just tired, hoping no one digs deeper, cuz i wouldn’t even know what to tell them if they did.

i just want to feel like me again. i want to wake up and not feel like i’m bracing for something i can’t even name. i want to look in the mirror and recognize what’s behind my eyes, not this dull, distant look that doesn’t match the person i remember being. i miss that version of me—the one who laughed loud without forcing it, who got excited over small things, who didn’t feel so... out of place in her own life. i don’t know how to get back there. or if i even can. but i’m trying. slowly. some days, just getting out of bed feels like progress. and maybe that’s all i can do right now. keep trying, keep showing up, even if i feel like a ghost of myself. cuz somewhere deep down, i know i’m still here. i have to believe that. even if i don’t feel like myself right now... maybe, someday, i will again.

I'm having a hard time, promise.. it feels overwhelming. I thought if you were a teacher, at least you were the boss. etc. I'll go back to sleep soon.

I'm typing this while at work. Over the last 2-3 weeks, I have started to despise my job. I've always wanted to work in Marketing, but I'm actually miserable. The boss I once liked is getting more and more overbearing, and she is such a stickler for the rules that it's actually affecting my creativity and how I function at work. (EX: Can't use lowercase letters for a graphic because she doesn't like it OR have to clock in and can't be salaried like everyone else in the building and makes a big deal about making up hours in accordance with "policy" that NONE of the other departments follow). I work in a giant communal office that is dim and only has three small windows. In my last job at the same company, I was allowed to take my laptop and sit outside and work. As long as I got my work done, it didn't matter where I did it from. My current boss won't let me leave the office. Lunch breaks have to be an hour on the dot, and she even gets annoyed if you're in the bathroom too long.

I feel stifled in my creativity, I always feel connected to my job, I hate coming to work to sit in this dim office, I hate that my boss won't give me any kind of freedom when she knows I can do my job and I do it well. To top it all off, my eyes are tired every day from staring at the computer my entire shift. I feel like I don't have any personal time for my husband, I don't have time to work on my hobbies because I'm so annoyed and tired after work, and I'm overall just miserable.

Just quit, then, you may say. Well, I can't. My husband and I were just given the opportunity to rent one of the houses my company owns. It's four bed, two bath, and it includes wifi and rent is only $550 a month. That's amazing. We were paying upwards of $1600 per month including utilities for a one bed, one bath crappy house for the past year, and payments were getting hard. But I have to work at the company in order to rent the new house. So, even though I'm miserable and feel like I'm wasting my life (I'm 24, I shouldn't be feeling this way), I can't leave. We're saving too much money for me to leave. Plus, my husband has to wait a year before we could move anywhere because he has to see if he gets into the grad program he's applying for.

I don't know what to do. I made an appointment to see a counselor, something I never thought I'd do, and I have that this weekend. How am I supposed to do this job for a whole year when I feel like crying every day when I leave? It's affecting my whole life. I am grumpy at everyone, even people I love dearly like my husband and parents. The only time I feel somewhat like myself is the weekend, and even then, I'm so busy doing side jobs to make money, I barely have time to breath. Life is supposed to be about working to live, not living to work. I see marketing girlies sitting by the beach with their laptops, drinking coffee, and making a ton of money, and I know that's extreme, but I want to at least be able to open a freaking window or be able to work from home some days and not feel guilty if I ever have to take a sick day. I feel hopeless at the moment. What can I do?

Back in mid 70 my family had a reunion. About 60 to 70 people came. Unfortunately, dressed in those uniforms the uncles insisted I become a member of their party, sleep with the officers and become an assassin. No Way! I haven't seen my family in 50 years! Now I have stage 4 cancer I long to see some of them. No children. No husband.

I never imagined I’d be the kind of woman who would ask that question. How to forgive my husband, this f***** cheater? Let alone a man who cheated twice. When I got married at 25, I thought I was building something solid, something lasting. My husband was my best friend, my partner, the father of my children. We shared dreams, built a home, raised two beautiful kids. And now, at 39, I feel like I’m standing in the ruins of what we built—still trying to convince myself it’s worth saving, even though every part of me feels tired, confused, and honestly… heartbroken.

The first time he cheated, it felt like the ground disappeared beneath me. I was blindsided. He said it was a mistake, that it didn’t mean anything. We went to therapy. He cried. I cried more. And I made the choice to stay—for our children, for our history, for the hope that maybe it really was just a mistake. I wanted to believe in redemption. I needed to. And for a while, things did get better. He seemed present again. Kinder. More involved with the kids, more engaged in our marriage. I let my guard down, started to trust again… and then he did it again. Different woman. Different time. Same betrayal.

That second time broke something in me. Not just trust, but a piece of my identity as a wife, a partner. I ask myself every day, am I weak for staying? Or strong for trying again? There’s no easy answer. Some mornings I wake up and feel like I should pack a bag and go. Other mornings, I look at our kids and think, how can I blow up their world just because I’m hurting? They love him. They need him. And he’s not a bad father—he’s just… a man who made selfish, hurtful decisions. But how do I reconcile that with the love I used to feel? With the way I used to look at him and see my future? Now I look at him and see a stranger I still share a bed with.

I’ve googled the question so many times—how to forgive a cheater, can a marriage survive infidelity, should I stay or leave. The advice always sounds so clean, so clear-cut. “Rebuild trust.” “Open communication.” “Set boundaries.” But in real life, it’s not that simple. It’s waking up next to someone whose phone buzzes and your stomach drops. It’s hearing “I love you” and wondering if he said that to her too. It’s putting on a smile for your children when all you want to do is scream. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at him again and not remember. And yet, I also don’t know how to fully walk away. I’m caught in between two impossible choices: stay and swallow the pain, or leave and shatter the only life I’ve known for nearly two decades.

I don’t have the answer yet. Maybe forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. Maybe it’s something I’ll have to choose every day, even on the days when I hate him a little. Or maybe I’ll wake up one day and realize I’ve stayed too long. All I know is, I’m trying. Trying to be a good mom. Trying to make sense of a heart that still feels shattered. Trying to find myself again in the middle of all this. People talk about forgiveness like it’s a gift you give someone else, but I think, right now, it’s something I’m trying to give to myself—permission to hurt, to feel lost, to not have it all figured out. And maybe, eventually, to let go. Whether that means letting go of the anger, or of him entirely… I’m still not sure.

My sister has been going through a rough time. Her ex did nonconsensual things to her and hit her. He is a big member in the club we are both in. I have been having a tough time with feeling angry. I have been mad multiple times over this, but my sister has been quick to swipe away what happened, and they have been amicable so far. I think that what he did was horrible and wrong and I wish it didn't happen to her. My view of him shifts a lot and I was trying to show him love at first because my sister was trying to move past it. However she has been switching on if she likes him or hates him, or whatever. And I have to listen to all this and try my best to give good advice however she shuts down on me a lot. She has recently been telling a lot of his friends about what happened. But, I think the thing that makes this so hard is that she used to hurt me. When we were younger she used to hit me for being out of line and she would do non-consensual things to me too. I never fully healed from all of this, and it makes it difficult to navigate this situation. I love her ofc, but only until recently have I stopped being on edge around her. It's always in the back of my mind and I hate that it is, because she isn't like that anymore. She was hurting and took it out on me. We've talked about it before and she agreed we both did wrong.. but I never knew about sexual things until she forced it on me. I'm struggling to be there for her when she is switching her mind every second. I'm also afraid she will hurt me.. she hasn't in a decade but it's still a fear, even if irrational. Everyone's telling me "What your sister is going through must be so hard on you." I'm struggling to feel empathy for her, probably because I just swept everything under the rug. I know she shouldn't but I'm struggling to understand why she can't. Today a guy told the ex to back off and not to contact her.. but she has been contacting him. "It must be so hard on you." It is, but for different reasons and no one can ever know about those reasons. I have 3 cans of alc with me and I'm thinking of drinking them. My dad was a drinker so maybe I've got the gene. I tried to tell some friends without being clear but they didn't pick up that today was a rough time for me. SO I just feel so lost and disgusting. I don't want to hear about what she has been through anymore and I want to block it all out. But I'm just having a hard time, because that's wrong, I should be there for her. Then again this isn't about me and I should probably just suck it up. I could barley get through her retelling it to someone else. I had this feeling of almost possessiveness.. she pours all her grief on me and she can just tell other people like it's nothing? Idk why that makes me feel so angry. I'm not sure what to do. If you have any advice I can give her that would help.

Okay, so my life is literally a mess

I’ve got three different guys giving me mixed signals, and I genuinely don’t know what to do with myself. Volley, my boy best friend, used to sit ridiculously close to me when he was dating my friend—like, shoulder-to-shoulder, legs touching, even though there was plenty of space. But now that they broke up, we don’t talk, we just stare at each other, and when I react with a “what?” (while looking disgusted), he smirks and chuckles EVERY SINGLE TIME. LIKE WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! 😩 And to make things more confusing, Headphones and Volley had a moment where Headphones called me “Volley's girlfriend,” and Volley just stared at him and said nothing. NOTHING. Then, when I confronted him about it later, he suddenly acted like it was annoying and brushed it off like it was nothing. I CAN’T TELL WHAT HE’S THINKING AT ALL. And to make things worse, we literally can’t talk because his friends know about our situation, and I can’t find an excuse to interact with him. So now we just make eye contact and suffer.

Then there’s Headphones. Ohhh, Headphones. He literally jaywalked to walk with me to a boba place, we share food, and we talk during 2nd and 3rd period. BUT HE ONLY EVER RANTS ABOUT CHLOE. And I know Chloe doesn’t like him because she likes someone else, but he’s still hopelessly attached to her. And to make it even more painful, Chloe told him to confess to her on April 1st, which could either be the worst prank in history or just a terrible coincidence. And the whole time, I’m just sitting here liking him while listening to him talk about another girl. Yay, fun! 🙃 Oh, and he also sits in front of me in Science and constantly looks back at me, but when we lock eyes, he panics and looks forward immediately. And if that wasn’t enough, he sits with me at my lab table with my friends right next to Manager, so now both of them are always around me at the same time.

Speaking of Manager, THIS BOY IS THE MOST PLAYFUL, FLIRTATIOUS, AND CONFUSING THING EVER. Out of all my friends, he ONLY tells me pick-up lines and pokes my stomach, and it’s always some corny, flirty nonsense. AND HE SAT ON MY LAP IN THE LIBRARY??? After making my friend sit on the floor?? Meanwhile, Volley was just sitting behind us at a table staring and looking mad and jealous like he was about to throw hands. Like sir, please explain why you’re upset when we don’t even talk. 😭

But Manager is also friends with a girl I have beef with, AND Bella L (one of the most popular girls in school) still likes him, even though he doesn’t like her back. So that’s another layer of mess I have to deal with. And despite all this, I want to get closer to him because he’s fun, but I also want to get closer to Headphones because our connection is deeper, BUT ALSO I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH VOLLEY. Why is my life a love triangle—but with four people?! 😭

And the worst part? I can’t even choose between Manager and Headphones because they both have things I want in a guy, just split into two different people.Manager has the touchy, playful, flirty energy I love, but Headphones has the deeper, emotional connection that I also love. WHY CAN’T THEY JUST MERGE INTO ONE PERSON??

So now I’m just sitting here, confused, overthinking every eye contact moment, and waiting for the April 1st disaster to happen. 🎭✨

LIFE. IS. TOO. MUCH.😭😭😭

I am married to the most amazing human being I have ever met in my entire life. We've never clashed very much since meeting each other, but now that he's lost his job, it's constant feelings of tired, burnt-out, overwhelmed, anxious, and depression. I know he's trying really hard to find a new job, but it's been months now. I can't keep working overtime and still not having enough money to cover all of our bills. It's giving me PTSD from an ex-boyfriend who I was in a similar situation with. He doesn't do much aside from cooking dinner every once in a while.... Our house is a mess, our fur babies are sometimes forgotten about... All he talks about is getting and selling weed...I'm just tired and I don't know what to do....

I never thought I’d be the kind of man to ask myself this question. I’ve been married for fifteen years. We’ve built a home, a life, four amazing children together. I’ve always believed we had something solid, something real. But lately, I can’t ignore the feeling in my gut that something’s changed. That something’s off. It’s been two months now, and I can’t shake the tension that creeps into our everyday moments—the small silences, the distant looks, the texts she doesn’t let me see. I feel like a stranger in my own home sometimes.

It started subtly. A few late nights here and there. She’d say she had errands or wanted to get some time to herself. Which, fine, I get it. She’s a mom of four, she deserves space. But the pattern grew. Now it’s late night “drives,” phone calls she takes in the other room, messages she replies to with that tilted screen thing like she’s trying to shield it from my eyes. When I ask who it was, she gives short answers. Vague ones. And then changes the subject.

She used to tell me everything—how her day went, the people she talked to, little random things she saw online. Now, it feels like I have to beg for a conversation. Half the time, she’s scrolling on her phone or texting someone while I’m talking, nodding along distractedly. And the phone, man… it’s never out of her reach. Not even when she showers. Not even when she sleeps. She used to leave it lying around, no big deal. Now it’s always face down or tucked into her sweater pocket. And maybe I’m just being paranoid, but that stuff adds up.

What’s worse is that I can’t even talk to anyone about it. I can’t exactly go around asking people, “Hey, do you think my wife’s cheating on me?” It feels like betrayal just to say it out loud. I haven’t told my friends, and God knows I’d never bring it up to our kids. They’re still young, still looking at us like we’re the example of love and stability. I don’t want to take that away from them. Not unless I know for sure. But not knowing is driving me insane.

I’ve thought about going through her phone. I haven’t yet, but the temptation is there. Late at night, when she’s asleep and I’m lying next to her staring at the ceiling, wondering if the woman I love is lying to me… I think about it. About just unlocking it and seeing for myself. But then I ask myself—if I have to do that, hasn’t something already broken? Even if there’s no affair, the trust is already crumbling. I don’t want to be the suspicious husband. I want to believe in her. I want to believe in us.

But she’s not the same lately. There’s a coldness sometimes. Or maybe it’s just a distance. We don’t laugh like we used to. The inside jokes, the little gestures, even intimacy—it’s all changed. It’s not just less, it’s… different. Like she’s somewhere else when we’re together. And when I try to reach her, she puts on a smile, tells me she’s tired or stressed, says I’m imagining things. Maybe I am. But maybe I’m not.

I’m not perfect. I know that. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve been distracted, I’ve taken her for granted at times. Maybe she’s feeling unseen. Maybe there’s someone else who’s making her feel special, who’s giving her attention I stopped giving. And that possibility wrecks me. Not just because I’d be hurt, but because it means I failed her. Failed us. I keep thinking back to how we used to be—how we danced in the kitchen, how we made plans for the future, how we looked at each other like there was no one else in the world.

Now I look at her and I see someone who might be keeping secrets. Someone who still kisses me goodbye but doesn’t look me in the eyes. And I don’t know how much longer I can live like this—trapped between doubt and denial, wondering if I’m losing her day by day and just too scared to confront it. I don’t even know what I’d do if she admitted it. I don’t know if I’d leave, or if I’d try to fix it. I just know that the silence between us is getting louder.

So yeah, I don’t have answers. Only questions that eat at me every day. Is she cheating? Or am I just afraid of what it means if she’s not but still doesn’t love me the same anymore? I don’t know which answer would hurt more. All I know is, something’s wrong. And I’m terrified to find out what it really is.

ok, I'm really pissed at my band teacher right now. Today, she asked the flutes (that's what I play) to play together just us right as I was yawning, so I didn't end up playing because I was busy yawning. She said something along the lines of: "Ok, I'm about to cut you about of the performance. You are never ready, and it's usually you missing the most notes." AND SHE SAID THIS TO ME. Me, who never misses a note. Like, no way she said I'M the one who's never ready when there's those two girls next to me who don't put their flutes up until the last second. She just blamed all their bad notes and unreadiness on ME. I've been a scapegoat my whole life, band was my only safe place where I knew I was good as everyone else, maybe better, and everyone took the blame for their own shit. It was the one place where I didn't have to have a million fingers pointing at me. Not anymore I guess.

yo i kno this prob sounds dumb but i swear i cant stop thinkin bout this girl i went on a date with like 5 years ago. like for real it was just one date, ONE, and i was only 15 but that whole thing stuck in my head like glue. i’m 20 now bro. twenty. i’ve finished high school, started college, got a job, met other girls, like life kept movin on but my brain?? nah, it stayed right there in that one lil coffee shop where we sat n laughed like idiots bout dumb stuff. nd i dont even kno if she ever thought of me again after that day but here i am, five years later, still wonderin wht could've happend. like we didn’t even kiss or anything, it wasn’t even deep, but i still remember what she was wearin, how she smiled, the way she looked straight in my eyes like no one else ever did since. nd i hate it cause it’s blockin me now. like i go on dates now n i always compare. always thinkin “she wouldn’t say that” or “it didn’t feel like this back then.” it’s messin up everything. like i wanna move on, i wanna feel something real again but it’s like my heart’s still parked in 2019 waitin for a moment that’s never comin back.

i tried forgettin her, swear i did. deleted her socials, stopped bringin her up, even told myself she prob don’t even remember me, but it don’t help. it’s like she’s just there in my head rent free 24/7. nd it’s not even just her, it’s like what she represented, u feel me? that lil spark, that feelin of maybe being seen for once, like i wasn’t just some background dude. nd now every time i talk to a new girl, it feels forced, fake, like im pretending to care when all i’m really doing is wishin it felt like that again. nd then i feel bad cause these girls didn’t do nuthin wrong, they just not her. i know it’s dumb to be stuck on someone from when i was a kid but i cant help it. maybe it's cause nothin better came after, maybe cause i never really healed from the way it just ended and she ghosted me like it meant nothin. i try to act chill bout it but inside i’m lowkey still hurt. like why did she smile at me like that if she was just gonna disappear? nd now i sit here thinkin maybe the problem’s me. maybe im just not built for love or whatever. or maybe i just been holdin onto a fantasy too long n it’s time to let it die. but man… why can’t i stop thinkin about someone who probably forgot my name?

I keep asking myself this question more than I should—am I good enough for her? She’s amazing. She’s 35, confident, elegant, makes six figures doing something I don’t even fully understand but sounds important as hell. Meanwhile, I’m 31, still figuring my career out, working in a jobb I’m not even sure I want long-term. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely lost—I’ve got a decent job, I pay my rent, I’m not some couch-hopping slacker. But when I look at her and then at myself, I can’t help but feel the gap. And it’s not just the money, even if that’s a big part of it. It’s the way she carries herself, the way people listen when she talks, the way her eyes light up when she’s explaining something she’s passionate about. And then there’s me, nodding along, trying not to sound like an idiot when I chime in.

She’s never made me feel lesser, not once. She’s kind, supportive, loving. When we’re together, I feel safe. But that little voice in my head doesn’t shut up. It whispers that I’m just the fun guy for now. That eventually, she’ll want more—someone who matches her pace, her level, her lifestyle. She takes me to these nice places, introduces me to her work friends, and I’m just there trying to keep up. They all seem so put together. Great jobs, great clothes, expensive watches and inside jokes about client calls and conferences in Zurich. I stand there with my craft beer and force a smile, wondering if they can see through me. If they can tell I don’t really belong in that circle. I feel like I’m pretending half the time. Like I’m her guest in a life that I don’t have the credentials for.

It messes with me more than I want to admit. I start holding back, second-guessing everrything. Like, should I even talk about my problems when hers are clearly so much more important? Should I even suggest where to go for dinner when she can afford places I’ve only ever walked past? It’s not that I expect her to change or that I resent her success—far from it. I admire her. But I’m scared that my admiration is turning into something poisonous. Like I’m not showing up as her partner, but as some guy who's constantly trying to catch up. And how long is that sustainable? I wonder if she notices when I flinch every time the bill comes and she insists on splitting it. Or when she mentions future plans and I pause, not because I don’t love her, but because I don’t know how I’d ever afford the kind of future she deserves.

Sometimes I think maybe I should just let her go. Not because I want to, but because it might be easier than this constant feeling of falling short. Maybe she’d be better off with someone more like her—someone who already owns a place, who already figured it all out. But then we’re alone together, and she’s lying on my chest, laughing at something dumb I said, and in those moments, I forget about everything else. I remember how much she chooses me, how she looks at me like I’m everything. And I start to believe, even just for a second, that maybe I am good enough. Maybe she sees something in me that I can’t see in myself yet. But it never lasts. The moment fades, and the doubts sneak back in.

I know part of this is my own baggage. I grew up thinking men were supposed to provide, to lead, to be the “stronger” one, whatever that even means anymore. And now here I am, with this incredible woman who checks all the boxes and then some, and I feel like I’m the one falling behind. Society doesn’t say it out loud, but it whispers just enough—if she’s ahead, maybe he’s not a real man. And that pressure, that outdated, toxic expectation, it’s crushing. I want to be proud of her, and I am, but I also want to be proud of myself. And right now? I’m not. I feel stuck in this in-between, where I love her so much but don’t know how to let myself feel worthy of being loved back.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still figuring it out. But maybe writing this, admitting this, is the first step. Maybe I don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. Maybe I just need to believe what she already seems to believe—that I have value, not because of my salary or status, but because of who I am with her. It’s not easy. I still have a long way to go. But I’m trying. I’m trying to silence the doubt, to be present, to show up for her and for myself. Because if there’s even a chance that I am good enough, then I owe it to both of us to stop running from the question—and start proving it to myself.

I swear, every day I walk into the office and feel like I’m just waiting to get exposed. Like someone’s gonna tap me on the shoulder and be like, “Hey, we figured it out—you actually don’t belong here.” And honestly? I’d just nod and say, “Yeah, I know.” Because that’s exactly how I feel. I’m a junior consultant in a huge, fast-moving company, and from the outside, it probably looks like I’m doing okay. But inside? I feel like I suck at everything. Every task I touch feels like a mess. Every presentation, every slide, every email I send—I triple check it, and I still feel like I’m doing it wrong. Everyone else looks so confident, so sharp and put-together, and I’m here Googling basic Excel formulas and hoping no one notices I’m not contributing anything meaningful in meetings.

What makes it worse is that I try. Like, I’m not slacking. I stay late sometimes, I take notes, I ask questions (even though I feel stupid every time I do), and I keep telling myself I’ll get better. But I don’t feel better. I feel like I’m falling behind. When I get feedback, it’s always polite, but it’s never great. Stuff like “make sure you think through the structure more” or “watch your attention to detail”—basically, “you’re not doing well enough.” And I get it! They’re not wrong. I’m constantly redoing things, missing stuff, asking for clarifications on things I should’ve understood. It’s embarrassing. I keep wondering if this job is just too much for me, like maybe I’m not cut out for it. Maybe I faked it through the interview and now the truth is showing.

Sometimes I think about quitting. Like, just walking away and saving myself the daily stress and anxiety of feeling like I’m disappointing everyone. But then I wonder, what would I even do instead? I worked so hard to get here. Years of school, internships, interviews, all that effort just to feel like I’m drowning in a sea of “you’re not enough.” And it’s not like I don’t care—I care too much, honestly. I overthink every assignment. I draft emails and then stare at them for ten minutes, rewriting the same sentence four times. And then I see someone else send a message in thirty seconds and it’s perfect. I can’t help but compare myself to everyone around me. I know I shouldn’t, but when everyone seems to be thriving and you’re the only one struggling to keep up, how do you not?

I talk to my friends outside of work and they tell me I’m being too hard on myself. That it’s just imposter syndrome. That everyone feels this way when they start out. And yeah, maybe they’re right, but that doesn’t change how it feels. It doesn’t change the panic I get when I’m asked to “own” a task, when in my head I’m screaming “please don’t give me that responsibility.” I want to be good at this. I want to feel confident. But right now I just feel small. Like a mistake. Like a bad hire. It’s exhausting carrying this weight of not being good enough day after day, especially when you have to pretend like everything’s fine because everyone around you seems so capable and strong.

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know how to stop feeling like I suck at everything. Maybe I need more time, maybe I need to fail a few more times to really learn. Or maybe I need to find something that fits me better, something that doesn’t make me feel so incompetent all the time. But until then, I guess I’ll just keep showing up, trying again, even if I’m convinced I’ll mess it up. Because I don’t know what else to do. And maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll wake up and feel like I’m actually okay at something. Or at least not terrible. I’d settle for that.