Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 3

i dont even know if this makes sence, but i keep thinking about how to stop masterburation on memory, like not even the act only, but the stupid replay of it in my head. it feels like my brain saved every bad habbit in hd and plays it when i am bored, sad, lonely, or just lying there at night like a loser. i tell myself “ok this is the last time,” and then the next day my mind is already making little excuses. it is so dumb becuase nobody is forcing me, but it still feels like i am being dragged by my own head.

i tried deleting stuff, blocking sites, even putting my phone far away, and yeah it works for maybe two days. then the memory part starts. like i dont need to see anything, my brain just remembers it, and that is the part that makes me feel kinda hopeless. have you ever had something you dont want to think about, but the more you fight it, the louder it gets? thats how it is for me. i start thinking maybe i am broken, but then i also know im probably just stuck in a loop. i dont think shame helps much, but i still feel it anyway, which is annoying as hell.

the only thing that kinda helps is not acting like i can magically fix my whole brain in one night. i try to get up, drink water, walk around, play a game, or text someone about random stuff before the memory gets too strong. sometimes i fail and feel like trash after, but sometimes i dont, and those times matter a little. i dont have some perfect answer. i just think stopping “on memory” means building new boring memories over the old ones, again and again, even when it feels fake. maybe thats all self control is, just being tired and still choosing not to make it worse.

I’m 18, I’m a guy, and I have no damn clue what I’m doing after this. People keep asking me about my “goals for the future” like I’m supposed to pull out a clean little answer from my pocket. I dont have one. I don’t know what to study, because every subject feels like a trap. Pick tech? Cool, AI is eating that. Pick art? AI is eating that too. Pick writing, design, coding, business, anything creative, anything office-related? Same story. I know people say, “AI won’t replace everyone,” and maybe they’re right, but it still feels stupid to plan my whole life around jobs that might not even exist in a few years.

I also don’t know if I want a family. Sometimes I think having someone and maybe kids could be nice, like there’s a real point to all this boring grinding. Other times I look at adults around me and think, wow, alot of you look tired as hell. I’ve seen couples who love each other but barely talk because bills, work, stress, and life turned them into roommates. I’ve seen parents who clearly care about their kids but also look like they want to vanish for a week. I’m not judging them. Life is hard, and people do their best. But when someone asks me if I want that future, I don’t know what to say. I can’t even decide what to eat half the time, and I’m supposed to know if I want to raise a whole human?

The thing is, I’m not lazy, at least I don’t think I am. I’ve worked small jobs, helped family, tried to be useful, tried to make plans. I had teachers tell me I was smart, and I had others look at me like I was already wasting my life. My freinds seem to be moving in some direction, even if they’re faking it. One wants to study engineering, one wants money, one wants to move away, one just wants peace. I want peace too, but peace isn’t a career. I want to beleive there’s something I’ll find and care about, but right now it feels like everyone is just pretending certainty is normal. Maybe confidence is just a costume people wear so nobody notices they’re scared.

I guess my “goal” is to not completely screw myself over, wich is not exactly inspiring. I want to stay healthy, not become bitter, not waste every day scrolling, not end up stuck in some miserable enviroment where I hate waking up. I want to learn something useful, even if I don’t know what that is yet. I want to meet people who aren’t fake, maybe love someone, maybe not, maybe have kids, maybe never. I don’t have a neat answer, and maybe that’s fine, but it still feels like shit when everyone acts like I should. So what are you supposed to do at 18 when the future looks open, but also kind of empty? Maybe I’ll figure it out definately, maybe I won’t, but I’m tired of acting like being lost means I’m broken;

I am 17 and an oldest daughter. I have always tried my hardest to be a good kid. I get all of my chores done, I do my homework, I take college classes, I help out around the house all the time with cleaning, making dinner, taking care of my siblings, getting them to school on time, and take care of the animals. I have no problem helping out, and picking up tasks that someone else doesn't have time to do, or is too tired to do. I do it without complaining or making a big deal of it. I just get it done. lately I have hardly had any free time. I never get to sit down and actually do something I enjoy without being interrupted. and I don't think I have gotten a full night of sleep in months. my family knows that I get loads of homework, and they know that i am in the middle of my final week for my online college class. they also know that if they don't want to do something, they can make me do it. late I have just been feeling exhausted. I want to help out, but by the time I am done with jobs around the house, I have very little time, and no energy left to get my homework done. I come home, and I do all of my jobs, and as soon as I try to start working on my homework, I get handed a list of other jobs to do. I am not allowed to fight back on those requests, so I do it. I can't help but feel like my family is asking too much of me. they have started to expect me to be able to give 110 percent of myself all the time, and I just can't do it anymore. but I also can't fight back and say no because then I am not a good kid anymore, and then I am nothing. I want so desperately to be the perfect kid. I wonder if it's because I subconsciously believe that if I become the perfect daughter, then I will finally be appreciated. but it seems like no matter how much of myself that i give, and no matter how hard I try, it will never be enough. they will always expect more from me. even when I have nothing left to give. so I try my best to ignore my exhaustion that is always there, and keep going. I just don't know if it will ever be enough, but I don't know how to be anything other than the good kid who doesn't really need worried about or taken care of. even though what I long for the most some nights is for someone to take care of me. but how are the people in my family supposed to take care of me, if they can barely care for themselves? I am just so tired, and I want to be able to do the things that I enjoy doing again. I want to be able to go hang out with my friends every once in a while without being made to feel guilty about not being home to help out. how am I supposed to keep going, and giving more of myself, if I have nothing left to give? how can I find peace and time for myself again without feeling like a terrible daughter?

Hello, today I want to share some of my stories, I don't know who or where to share with so I want to share it online, have you guys ever been get misunderstood by your own family? Like your family don't trust your study, even you're study very hard to get a better future and to keep their pride and imagine but all they see is you're always playing game or lazy, even though I barely playing game, I did play but only when I feel tired, stressed or left out, and they blame me for doing it and said I always say I'm study but they never seen, and the worst is when you have to study overtime until 2-3am but to them you're just playing game lying about you're study, sometimes i'm so toxic in school already but when I go home I get blame more, and sometimes I just want a cheerful from them so I have more motivated to study but they didn't do that to me, they always say I'm their hope but they didn't cheers me up but always drain me down, and they always say I'm a selfish person, and as a bad grade student I tried so hard to study and yet I still failed one subject and they took this as a problem and blame me if I study harder more maybe I don't failed and yesterday when my team project are all depends on me, I was so tired and stressed and after hearing this I was so toxic so I can't control myself and hit my pillow to release my pressured but when they saw that instead of comforting me, they blame me and said if studying is that hard then just stop and go to work you dumbass, and destroy my set up, and they said I never work so all of those stuff is their money not mine, I want to explain but I don't know why I can't, I just stand still and listen and my eyes started to cry for no reason, they say they never force me to study this hard at 2-3am but they said I'm the only hope, and because I don't want to disappoint them, I force myself to do it, and in return I got that instead, and this is not the first time, it's been since I was a kid, when I get top1 in the class, the best presenter, they ignore it and said it's nothing special, and when I'm in presentation, other parents come to see their children but I'm alone and even worst when I graduate from high school, I'm watching other parents come to their children graduation and take a picture with them and smile, while I just going alone and then go home, when I ask why they didn't come, they said come there only wasted their time and money, they have to work to get more money and I just stay silent and didn't respond anything after that day, I think I'm just an useless son in that house no matter how hard I tried.

i care for one of my friends greatly, and i really do love being friends with them, but i also feel a deep-rooted hatred toward them.

i've realized their actions toward me are negative, and i hate how ive been treated, but i still feel a close connection. this hatred with how ive been treated has turned into hatred for them in general, and i feel very guilty for it.

how can i get past this, or explain it to them, without sounding like a bad person?

im a kid. im not even close to being an adult. im the middle child. i can be quite picky with my food, so the whole day i didn't eat because i really disliked soupy pork and thats what we had to eat dinner for last night and breakfast and lunch then dinner and the day today is almost ending, i kept asking my mom if i could eat maybe canned tuna, or just an egg, anything else. she refused, she kept telling me to learn how to eat what's on the table and i didn't eat until 9 pm when i ordered mcdonalds with my OWN money, my little brother wanted food too so i added chicken nuggets so we could share, though i didnt add fries since my money wasnt enough. the food arrived and i called him down. he cried bc i didnt order fries, and he told our mom. i js went down and ate my food since i was rlly hungry and hadnt ate the whole day, and once i got upstairs to my mom's room since thats where i left my device, she started saying " you're really selfish, aren't you?" and i said huh? i asked him if he wanted chicken nuggets, he said yes. idk why he changed his mind. she then proceeded to call me more names and really wanted to let me know i am selfish 😂 i said " the fries were expensive, i couldn't add it since i didn't have enough money?? " and i js sat there on my phone, when she started mumbling to herself stuff like how she wouldn't feed me anymore, saying she'd feed me the wrappers if i left a mess, how im completelt selfihs and only think about myself. i js left the room, and now im sobbing in my room cause she really spammed the selfish button lmaoo. she then went down to scope the wholee floor downstairs to see if i had left a mess, but i left the kitchen light on which we always do. she proceeded to yell. im so tired of this, she porbablt doesnt even love me at all and is just forced to because she has me as her daughter

i had a very bad breakup with my boyfriend who im very much still in love with, and he broke up with me because a picture of megot leaked from a couple years ago, and basically told me im gross and embarrsing and some not nice names for girls, and after everything was weird, i still miss him so much, andd theres only 30 people in my school and any of my friends are his, and theres a girl whos best friends with him, and theyd never be together but shes is sooo touchy with him, and always showing him other girls in my face, and talks badly about me again TO MY FACE, making it even weirder for me and him, and last night we had a party for my friends birthday and everyone was very drunk, i had to go and got a boy i didnt want to kiss but i still did from pressure but it was only a small peck and is thrown away, but my ex landed on my best friend and they actually started making out in my face and i couldnt stop crying and he doesnt care about me at all but i still love him?? lol

does this not sound like its from a highschool tv show ??

I’ve been an IT engineer for 15 years. That’s not a flex, it’s just context. I used to be good at this job. Efficient, fast, annoying in the way people hate because you fix things before they finish explaining the problem. I liked digging into logs, writing scripts, cleaning up broken pipelines, arguing with stupid tickets, and feeling like I actually understood the machine. Then AI became the big shiny thing, and now I use Claude Code for almost everything. Even the simplier stuff. Rename a variable? Claude. Write a small bash command? Claude. Check a config? Claude. It feels pathetic, becuase I know I can do these things myself. I’ve done them for years. But now my first reflex is not thinking, it’s pasting.

And yeah, I know AI is useful. I’m not pretending it’s all evil. It saves time, catches dumb mistakes, and sometimes gives me a better approach than the one I had. Fine. Great. Wonderful. But it also sucked the fun out of my work like a cheap vacuum cleaner from hell. I don’t feel clever anymore. I feel like a guy supervising a tool that’s slowly making him lazy and useless. My brain waits now. That’s the ugly part. I used to get a problem and feel that little spark, like “okay, let’s beat this thing.” Now I feel tired before I even start. I ask Claude, skim the answer, run some tests, and move on. At standup I have no idea what to say without sounding like a fraud. “Yesterday I prompted a bot until it did the task” is not exactly inspiring. So I dress it up with corporate garbage ands pretend I had a deep technical journey.

The worst part is I don’t know where this leaves my career. Am I still an engineer, or am I just a guy babysitting autocomplete with a salary? Maybe that’s dramatic, but that’s how it feels. I’ve built systems, fixed outages at 3 a.m., had managers breathing down my neck while production was on fire, and somehow this is the thing making me feel useless. Not the stress. Not the meetings. Not the endless Jira bullshit. This weird quiet loss of motivation. Do you ever feel like convenience is ruining your ability to give a damn? I do. I use Claude Code alot, and I hate how much I like it. I dont want to go back to doing everything manually like some caveman, but I also don’t want to become a hollow button-pusher who can’t solve anything without asking permission from a chatbot. I’m biased because this is my job and my identity, but I’m also trying to be fair: maybe the industry is just changing and I’m being stubborn. Maybe I need to adapt instead of whining. Still, I miss being excited by the work. I miss feeling sharp. Right now I just feel bored, replaceable, and pissed off.

I am so fucking done living in this body that is tearing itself apart but refuses to die. Most of the time its manageable. Enough to make me believe that maybe im capable of what ive always dreamed. But one bad day. One missed dose. And im reminded of how horribly my body wishes to be rid of me.

It starts at my core spreading like a fungus. Spreading through every part of me and refusing to do the very thing its designed to do. To keep every part alive. To keep me alive. And it just fucking wont. It chips away from the inside. Trying to chip my soul away from my body. Digging my ribs away from the muscle. Feeling like pieces are snapping and stabbing in ways I'll never be able to fix. The blackness, the whiteness, the stars that overtake me if i dare to raise my head. Im fighting with myself to control any part of my body. My arms often being the last thing standing. My legs gave way long ago and my torso was never there to begin with.

I am pulling myself up with every ounce of strength i have  to be back on the ground but not even here am i safe. Everything moves. All of existence moves and spins in a dance that i cannot appreciate. I spin and tilt in a cruel carnival no matter if my eyes are open or shut.

Then for a moment I see with clarity. As if im faking it. Yeah im faking it. Its all in my head theres nothing wrong with me. My vision steady and everything normal. But i know the truth. Im not faking it. I wish that i were. Because people's bodies dont crush in on themselves for a little attention. And I dont what's worse. The problem itself or the little moments of calm in the middle that remind me of what could be. Because just as suddenly as the moment is there. Its gone.

Laying on the floor i know where i am because if i stand up i wont know. I wont know who or what i am. Because no matter how hard i try im forced to the ground in one way or another. By choice or by force.

It might ignorable. I could pretend i really chose to ɓe low as possible. If it werent for the sounds. They never stop. Every hum of electricity, trickle of a tap, the brush of a hand on something. Its amplified. I cant stand it. Every sound this existence offers becomes a cacaphony i cant drown out. It builds and builds while im screaming inside. I try but theres no escape. Not really.

Just to press salt in the wound my body has created in my soul, it adds nausea to the mix. Because what fucking sadistic asshole wouldnt. Wracking my insides. Rarely actually puking. But a dry heaving for hours. Unyielding. My stomach is forced into my lungs if i dont use every fiber of my being to control it.

I wish that any part could be the end of it. But no, my body says. Not allowed to die.

Im dying but not allowed to die.

Its not as if I havent tried before. Or that it hasnt tried before. Tried and failed. Tried and failed. A bathtub, a mask, a gun, a heart attack.... Im not afraid of death. Ive stared into its eyes too many times to be afraid of it. But i am terrified of living. Living just two steps away of my body trying to forcibly split from my soul.

I wonder if all the joy ive felt before is worth it. If I can really build a future continuing to live like this? Will i bring children into this world and if I do how selfish would it be knowing that i may have given them a curse like me? Can I truly keep them safe if just like me their bodies are dying from the inside out? And I wonder selfishly if i'll ever be able to have kids at all. Because thats what i worry about of all things. If my body will ever be capable of doing the one thing i have ever truly wanted more than anything.

Allogations have made me fear for my safety. If there is no proof of wrongdoing, is my safety still at risk?

Hi I'm Aimee and I'm 13. I live in Singapore and I'm in a French school but the thing is I feel like I never belong there: Everyone of them is French or half French and I'm there left alone Chinese and Swiss feeling desperate every day. My hole life I felt like I was an outsider or even an underdog I never felt like I belong somewhere. Sometime my friends make jokes about where I came from and I know is just jokes but it make me feel really hurt sometime because I know that no matter how hard I try to be just like them I will never really belong anywhere and I can't even change school because there is no where else school where there speak French.

I sometime really feel trapped between different world and I belong in none of them. And that is not my only problems I also have family problems, injustice and all and sometime when I look at other families I can't help but feel jealous or sad or even angry that I couldn't have the same. And it's now that I realize how hate, anger, sadness all these negative feelings changes peoples and I can see how much I have changed too. I'm not longer that innocent, and happy child that I was and I think that many people have realized that and now I can too. My mental health is getting worse every day I don't think it will get any better soon. Now my only escape that has been keeping me from depression is my tv shows or movies.

I know it's not the best way and it also can make my mental health even worse but it really helped me escape the real world and be the light in so much darkness. But the worse part of it is that that only light that has been keeping me from depression is something that my parents don't know... I have been doing this for a while now and I really hate myself sometime for starting this because it's literally the best thing that I have right now and my parents don't know about it and they will be really mad at me but that's not what I'm afraid of the most: My series have really been my escape and my only escape if someone take it from me I am pretty sure that I'm going to fall in depression really badly and trust me really badly.

I just feel like I been living in a world where I don't really belong in it and my only escape is something that no one knows. I feel like I'm really fragile in this time and that i'm holding on to that one thing that can be taken from me anytime. I feel trapped and an outsider all the time and it really pains me.

TW slight mention of SH and suicidal thoughts

In the past I had some depressive like symptoms. I sh in many different ways and also had some kind of suicidal thoughts. I have gotten better over the last year because some issues I had with other people solved and everything is actually fine. I have been fine. Things have gotten better. However I feel like I am slipping again. I am slipping. The last days or weeks I feel worse and thoughts come back I hoped wouldn’t. I thought it would finally get better because I actually began to see a future for myself. Still the feeling is stronger that there isn’t anything. I suddenly notice that maybe I am the problem. Others care about me and are actually right in many situations but I just tell them off even yell and even am manipulative in some situations. The worst about is that they often then actually believe me and I do want to apologise but the words just don’t come out. I don’t make things better and just wallow in my despair. I try to. But I am not sure. I hurt myself again. It’s stupid. I don’t even know why. I somehow feel like it’s all part of my character, who would I be without my problems? I need that feeling of self-pity. I need to be able to fault others and yet I know that I don’t make it easy for others. I want to have friends and want to be close to others but I can’t share anything about myself. I want to have something genuine and yet I am jealous if they’re better than me or even feel worse than me. I just can’t feel empathy for them. Even while I am writing this I feel like I am reading off a script. That I am not being genuine.

[tw..? - sh, suicide, weight concerns, etc.]

idk how to preface this, honestly, but i've recently been struggling with light sh, bad body image, and a major fallout between me and a friend thats left me basically all alone.

for some background information, i'm 15, im in my second semester of freshman year, and in a all-girls-christian-catholic school widely dominated by straight MAGA girls (as a transmasc myself).

ive decided to group all my stories into one, so if you'd like to respond to a specific one over all of them, they'll just be numbered 1-3.

1) i have a track record of generally suicidal thoughts and ideas of harming myself. these have been going on for around two years, but i've never actually acted on it besides for two summers ago and now. i've began to (lightly?) cut on my hips. i've broken the skin but its never scarred. i find my story somewhat "invalid" due to the lack of any permanent marks over the years ive thought of this. i feel increasingly more guilty for doing this, but i find it an easy way to let go of the stress i have and any other thoughts despite it not being an addiction.

2) ive always known i'm somewhat bigger than most of my peers, atleast through my eyes. from fifth grade to now, my thoughts have always been plauged with the idea of being seen as "the fat friend", due to my height and weight (5'10, 153 pounds but ive recently dropped to 134 due to intermittent fasting). all of my friends constantly try to reassure me that i'm not overweight, but i cannot believe them due to the amount of fat on my lower stomach and thighs. i don't know how to stop this self-conciousness, even if ive tried to cope with it through larger clothes or staying inside whenever i can.

3) i text one person outside of school. yes, i speak to people in school, but after 3pm i have no one to speak to until the next school day. this friend has apparently been manipulating/emotionally abusing me (through other people's words, not mine), yet i struggle to get away from them. i'm terrified of falling out of touch due to sharing my identity and struggles with them, and they are HEAVILY suicidal which makes the fear doubled. ive struggled with the lack of communication we've had lately, and the break we've established (2 weeks). i have told my father that i feel increasingly lonely, and he's told me it's my fault for not branching out and speaking to other people. i am a person who's naturally introverted and awkward, and i assume i have some sort of undiagnosed social anxiety. i also struggle with social cues such as saying too little or too much, not knowing what people mean by words or body language, and what to do in most situations. he knows this about me but still insists i reach out (which i've tried to do), and i really just don't know what to do about it.

all of these situations together have made me consider overdosing, shooting myself, or jumping (sometimes all at once and sometimes at different times), but i know that i honestly wouldn't. ive also thought about trying to cut deeper or finding different items to use. idk how to stop these thoughts, and i feel bad talking about them due to my father making a LOT of money. i also refuse to speak to an adult due to the knowledge that i cannot share too much without being sent to a mental hospital.

I've been very jealous last year and suffered a lot for it. I was so mad it was happening to me that I wanted him to pay for that so I tried to make him see how deeply hurt and betrayed I felt. Anyways, I regret putting that much negative energy on my body, my mind and on him. I love him to death and I'm willing to tolerate things and be more kind and understanding while not losing myself and my self confidence.

He has this habit of wandering eyes and everyday glances at pretty sexy girls everywhere online. Just look. Very rare times I caught him red handed about 3 times and it did such physiological trauma on me that got some sort of PTSD like I wouldn't let go of that image, feelings out of my mind they would repeat all over again. Woke up having nightmares and a constant fear of abandonment.

This year I'm approaching forgiving and calmer. However, when I tend to take time to answer and he says I'm getting bored. I take it as a direct hit. My thoughts begin to spiral like, is he bored of me? maybe that's why the wondering eye?

My life is getting worse every day and when I look back at my past it make me really sad. I'm Aimee and i'm 13 and my life is a mess: I got so much family problems, friends problems and my own personal problems and I can't really talked to anyone because my parents don't understand that there are 80% of my problems and I can't just tell them like that and then there's my friends and I just can't imagine telling them that without getting completely humiliated and then there adult or a therapist and I can't talked to them either because I have trust issues because I have been betrayed many times. I was so desperate and really needed help and felt like if I didn't tell anyone I was gonna explode and iv also been having panic attacks for a while now and no one know about it. And so I was so desperate that I was literlly talking to Chatgpt like Chatgpt. Im so lucky that I found this site to talk to people without being judge. And please don't think that I am exagerating because I am a teenager because I'm really hoping to be understand. If you read that thank you so much and if you want to know more precisely my problems you can check my other stories. Again thank you so much for hearing me out I needed it.