Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 17

so my caregiver keeps telling me to kms and that she wishes I was never born, controlling where I can and can't go, controlling what I wear, eat, and drink and alot of other stuff, I dont know what to call it, like at this point I have all the councilling that one can habe and CPS isnt even listening they just believe everything my caregiver says. idk what it would be if everything like that is going on I mean I think its some sort of mental abuse but idk.

I currently work for a job and there a lot of issues and red flags. Well so I am traveling and will be gone for a whole month so my job told me I will be terminated which is fine because I am looking for a part time seasonal jobs and I got this job. I have tons of issues with this job. So obviously its a fast food joint and so much is happening and shedding light about foods in America but I want to vent about the job i am in. So the jobs is cutting hours so most people are getting 15-20 hours and while others like 2-3 get like 35 hours which makes me mad because this team is a dead end because in this job you have to be fast and efficient but these people working are not efficient and they can't even communicate with each other and again I am helping out and what not but this job might be close down due to whatever but still it just ridiculous and on top of that we have a worker who complain about her hours and how she keep bothering every manager for more hours and it make me mad because she has a good customer services experience but she should not be complaining about hours when 6 or 7 people have 15-20hrs so that piss me off and on top of that she doesn't even stay late so try to leave and honestly this team is not structure well. Everyone does whatever they want and it okay to do it because the company has turn into corporate greed but at least have structure. I am only till the end of October but I personally think everyone need to get their shit together. Another thing is they don't care if employees are late they will group chat this say on my way. I am glad I have job but I am disappointed that its mess and I think for this job maybe everyone need to get military train lifestyle. This has been on my mind and I want to vent it out and destress because I do have to deal with them for the next 2 weeks but again they as all whole are not great.

Should I remain friends with someone that I used to have feelings for?

I don't feel anything for this person now but sometimes I don't know....

But on the other hand, I don't want to lose this person because it means so much to me. It's one of my favourite friends.

I'm feeling a little bit confused.

To preface, I'm a woman in my early twenties still living in my parents house with no job at the moment. To be precise, I'm living with my mom and stepdad. There's this thing going on since my teenage years where I have to sleep next to my mom, either in her room or in mine, so that she can avoid having to hear my stepdad snoring and to avoid having either of them sleeping on the couch.

My stepdad recently had a motorcycle accident, so he was sleeping in my mom's room while I was sleeping next to my mom in my room. Prior to that, it was the opposite. He's now mostly recovered from it, and he told us a few days ago that, from Monday onward, he would go back to sleeping in my room, and I immediately said no (because I finally got to go back to sleeping in my room, even though I would've preferred to sleep on my own in my room, but I digress) and he added that it's for her comfort. Tonight, he even said something like "I'm warning you, I'm not letting this go on throughout the entire winter".

Am I selfish for wanting my room for myself ? Also, am I weird for being uncomfortable with the thought of my stepdad sleeping in my room again ? On one hand, I understand the need for my mom to have a comfortable bed to sleep in, since her job takes a physical toll on her, my stepdad is getting old ( these two are like, 30 ish years apart ) and we're living in a two bedroom apartment, so it can't be helped, and I don't really want to be a bitch about it. On the other hand, I miss having my space for myself and not having to go to the other room to not disturb my mom because she goes to sleep earlier than me. Also, I'm really not in the best of terms with my stepdad because he makes me a bit uncomfortable and I don't really want him in my proximity, but that's a conversation for another time.

Please tell me your opinions, I'm kinda lost ^^'

Sorry wrong categorized, couldnt find one best fitting for, im stuck in life and shits getting worse

So im 18 and no work experience, just some grades, not muscle mass or anything same as other kids, im behind in life, i wont say so much about my circumstances not being best cuz life doesnt give a fuck about circumstances, i want to leave my country but still i not calculated where and how, its getting more opressive too and im not sure how late is too late to success, despite being well behind im tired with life already, not sure what to do with myself next at all, villan arc, suicide, continue and be sold false hope and take all these hits for nothing, idk, the world is just getting worse for normal people with no hope of changing to be better, rather not waste my time with continue against all odds

Your rose is surrounded by the thorns of your strength, I know as much. Yet I hold it in my hand delicately in fear that those petals fall out in the breeze of my passion and regret

I can't help but ask why I keep holding it. Why do I torture myself with the thorns going through my fingers when the rose won't even bloom in my direction? My frustration grows. I hate it. I hate myself. From all the other flowers in the garden, why is it that this rose captures my attention? Why am I always drawn to its scent? I'm not certain the scent is meant for someone else, if any at all, but no doubt it's not meant for me. So why does it call for me? And why do I answer?

I'm only ever growing more sick of that scent. Or maybe it's the image of the delirium that came with the memories of you that urges my stomach to vomit my insides out. The elegance, the style, the dress, the smiles, the soft warm looks you used to give me - I hate them all. I wish I could hate them all. Maybe then I could let go. But no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, the world never looked good in black and white

I'm only ever growing more sick of that scent. Or maybe it's the image of the delirium that came with the memories of you that urges my stomach to vomit my insides out. The elegance, the style, the dress, the smiles, the soft warm looks you used to give me - I hate them all. I wish I could hate them all. Maybe then I could let go. But no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, the world never looked good in black and white

My heart still sinks at the sight of you. And the body rushes in the anticipation of talking to you again. The worst part is that I was fully aware, of my attraction, from beginning to end, but knowledge alone can't help what happens beyond it.

It's painful. Seeing you walk past. Never sure if you hate me for something I've done or for the times I walked past you with no reaction like you weren't there. Perhaps I deserve it. And yet I didn't know what else to do. No matter how painful seeing you is, it never compares to the days when you're not around.

This is just a vent (tw mentions of sui**de)

I messed up last night. This whole week I've been going through a depressive episode and felt sui***al and I guess yesterday was my breaking point. I rushed to my room cause I wanted to be alone. My dad tried to talk to me and I started to cry so I turned my back cause I didn't want him to see my face, and he called me disrespectful. He told me to never cry cause its a sign of vulnerability and weakness but I can't help it. I rushed to the bathroom crying and locked the door cause I just wanted to be alone for a while, but he kept banging the door and yelling at me to get out. To sum it up, he tried to break the door down, and broke the glass near the door to enter, he yelled at me, I yelled back about how I've felt this way ofr 3 years and wanted to end my life (I just acted on my emotions without think and I regret it) I was called disrespectful, selfish and childish, and other kids have it worse than me (I already know that, which is why I feel even worse for feeling this way) my mom and sister tried to restrain me when I wanted to leave, leaving my arms sore (I literally just wanted to go to my room!!) What hurt the most is that I made them cry, even my dad had tear and I've never seen him shed a tear.

I'm not sui**dal right now and my emotions are in control, but I still feel alot like sh*t. My dad hasn't said a word to me and I'm to scared and ashamed to even look at him. My birthday is literally tomorrow and I've messed everything up. I hate it so much.

Basically, when I was 13-17, I did alot of terrible things online such as essentially repeatedly bullying others in an attempt of "trolling", making terrible jokes against groups of people (even if most were in private places where everyone knew it was a joke) and also mentioning NSFW topics or making NSFW jokes in groups with some younger people in it, even if again, everyone there knew it was either a joke or not directed at them, and they weren't uncomfortable with it or anything. When I was 17, I kept feeling worse and worse about myself and eventually tried killing myself. I failed with that and only ended up in the hospital. Now I'm 18, I fully apologized for everything, got therapy, and even got along with some of the people I used to bully back then and even managed to do some small things to make up for what I did for a few. However, I still feel terrible that people will keep beating on me for my past and that I won't be accepted in alot of places or communities for it and it makes me wish I died so I wouldn't have to deal with my life anymore as I have a feeling I messed up my life and will eternally have my past mistakes sticking on me. This got especially bad when I read about some other people, mostly youtubers, who did what I also think was obvious jokes during an edgy phase they had and later even got therapy and fully apologized for all of it, but people still made fun of their past and it makes me afraid that the same would happen to me if I would manage to build up my popularity more. Joining one of these groups of people on youtube that make videos and stuff together was always one of my biggest dreams and now I feel like I permanently messed it up because of what I did when I was 13-17 with how unforgiving the majority of the internet is about past mistakes, even after you got help.

So umm.. I don’t really know how to put this. My dad’s been staring at my chest more often… and it’s really gross. He’s always been a “creep” and often watches vulgar stuff.. but before your wondering how old I am and all that I’ll tell you. I’m 13 and I matured pretty quickly? I look around a high school freshman? Like I’m 5’7 and I have yk.. boobs. Like it just feels weird saying this

So sometimes I walk around the house without a bra bc they hurt yk?? And my mom does the same. I mean I think it’s normal??? But anyway, my dad has a problem with staring for too long at people?? So I’ll be minding my business and he’ll just STARE. Like full blown stare with no thoughts, even if you stare back at him he won’t do anything??

So he’s been staring lower.. and I’d say I’ve been hitting puberty more.. so yk what happens. And idk it just feels so disgusting. Like the type of way I’d want to rip my skin off? I love myself but when he stares it makes me feel like a ball of sludge?

Idk what the point of this was but I just wanted to get this off my chest

So I saw this guy a few months ago at school since we have the same club. I'm a transferee that came from an all-boys school and we're both in our second year of high school right now. I had to ask one of my close girl besties (calling this specific one AN) to help me find out what he likes so that I could hopefully ask him out, and she did find out he was gay. I got to know what he likes to eat, where he lived, how good were his grades in his classes, those kind of sorts.

Then just 2 weeks ago I planned to ask him out, and AN helped me get everything I needed just so I could hear him say 'yes'.

But when I confessed to him (calling him AR), he said he already knew and was still thinking about it. Because someone leaked my plans to him (this wasn't AN who leaked, I checked it already). I said I'd respect his decision even when he said no and until I received an answer from him directly, I'd keep my distance. And I did. Fast forward next week, and he said he didn't think we would work out.

So I continued to keep my distance from him. Then just yesterday. AN said AR asked her out.

She said yes, and said AR was straight now.

I don't know why he said no to me, not even giving it more than a week, then moving on to someone else. I still made sure to keep my distance from him (which means keeping my distance from AN as well), but I just don't think it's normal for people to take that short to move on. I just don't think it's fair that AN got to have the boyfriend that I couldn't get. Because I'm new to him. But AN and AR had a year to get to know each other.

I had a crush on this one guy back at my old school (calling him BA, yes it's the same person as the one in the story I had made a few months ago), and I don't know which is worse: having a crush on a guy for 2 years without saying it out loud to him, or finally asking someone out only for them to say no.

So it got me thinking.

Why does it still not matter?

Even when I try and put effort, or when I just love them silently,

they all find someone new. And that someone just ain't me.

When will I get to experience the joy of having someone else to love?

Because I left my family a long ass time ago.

They still can't love me.

I can deal with that.

But whenever I find someone new?

I wish we can just be together right then and there.

TW : Talk of Overdosing, Self Harm, SA, and Family Violance.

so im 14 and my live with my aunt, ive been struggling with my mental health since I was five and since then ive been told to kms by my older sister and people around school starting all the way back at primary school, when I was around 6 or 7 I had hurt myself for the very first time and some people say thats impossible for a 6 year old to know what that is or how to do anything to hurt myself purposly but if you grew up in my house you would understand. I grew up with a lot of family violence from my step dad and my mum, and my dad was out of the picture since I was 3 and obviously as a 3 year old I thought it was my fault and my mum had told me it was my fault. then when I was maybe 7 or 8 my mum met her best friend at the times boyfriend and he started SAing me and I thought rhat was normal but it got too much so at the age of 9 I made the decision that no 9 year old should ever make, I made the decision to try take my life repeatedly since this first time. picking up SH habits of cutting, but the only reason I am sharing this is because no one seems to be listening to how I feel, to this day I am still struggling with my mental health and my aunty or mum or dad do not gaf and I need someone that would listen.

I dont even know how to start this one. uh, should I start with some context before diving in? i've been sa'd. like three times now, by two different people, and you'd think the years seperating them would make it go away quicker. but nope. still living in my head rent free. so it makes talking about shit like that awkward as fuck. or just being touched in any way, like grabbed on the arm, or pushed or anything. very uncomfortable? anyway. I was sitting in p.e and we had to do sex Ed. and they made it a bit odd. they brought all the classes in my year together for it, and yeah. so when they started showing images and talking about shit I just started drawing on paper, ignoring it. or trying to. and my friend who is asexual just found the whole thing amusingly uncomfortable I guess. when it was done Lauren from one of my other posts was like getting angry at us, saying that she was interested in learning about stuff and it wasnt fair neither of her friends wanted to learn this stuff, even though she knew both our reasons.

why do I feel the urge to make someone happy, even someone who is not affectionate towards me, someone who never apologizes, someone who never seems interested in me, in what I do since they don´t ask about me but more about other people, even if I let hints (and even say directly) that I don't want to answer things about other people but just me, or just want to them know who I am. Maybe this grew more since I started watching people act more affectionate toward each other on some TV series or movies, like their interactions seem to be like that, they ask about you, they say nice things to each other even if they are angry, they seem to apologize if necessary, so maybe I am just comparing myself too much on those fake TV people??

Even if I tell them directly to be more affectionate and try not to insult me every day, I try to be better but they always stir something in me that makes me want to punch things. Why don't they change after my whole life trying to make them understand my thoughts? And why do I continue to seek their love? Nothing I ever do seems to be enough for them even if I do something that they told me to do, they still tell me more things to do, not even a thanks or nice words, maybe that person is afraid or doesn't really care about me, but they say they do "care" saying those things so I can "love myself" since they seem to think love words are not the path, they seem to think demmanding things for me is the right choice. It really makes me mad since I feel like they only call me these things (insults and complaints) to make me "reflect" on how ugly and disgusting I am.

I thought it also has to be connected to myself being someone not individualistic, I always seek for people. I don't like being alone, and I don't start things by myself. I know I need to change and not rely on people but I just can't, I'm so afraid of doing so.

So basically here’s a short summary

I’m in a relationship with my gf and we’ve been together for about 3 years now and honestly it hasn’t been good. Iv been giving 90% and only ever getting 10% and it’s been like this for the past 3 years almost. Anyways this summer I got a new job and met this new friend and the minute we got together we clicked so fast and idk I kinda started to become physically and emotionally attracted to her. I started to really developed feelings for her and everything. I have to mention this new girl also has a gf. Well the summer ended but they hired me as a staff for another program that this girl is always involved in. So we started this new job again and she was there and we got even closer over the summer. We would text each other and everything and made plans to hang out outside of work and sometimes we would go grocery shopping together. We would text at like 4 am if we couldn’t sleep and just keep each other company. Well 2 weeks ago on Wednesday we had a really heart to heart conversation about life and I basically almost cried and she told me how much she cared about me and everything and then last Friday 2 days later she went cold and just refused to talk to me and it went on for week untill last Friday until I got the courage to speak to her because she’s been ignoring me and when she talks to me she told me how coworkers can’t be friends and how it’s not okay how close we got but I don’t get it I just don’t get it. She’s was friends with all her other coworkers but when it comes to me it’s different. It just hurts so much because I know I’m a shitty person for liking a girl while I’m in a relationship but she meant a lot to me and before she was my friend and I just miss my friend and the person I was able to trust, she told me she called about me and turned on me and I’m just so hurt

so I've had like problems feeling happy or normal and stuff for like 3 years now, and I think I've finally figured out the root of why I feel like I cant let myself feel happy for too long. I have literally no problems, my parents are the sweetest people in the world, I'm avarge enough looking I shouldn't feel as self conscious as I do, and I have a fair amount of friends and I would definitely have more if I wasnt constantly too tired because just existing without feeling sad is exhausting. I put in probbaly about 80% of my energy just to make myself feel normal daily. my friends ALWAYS feel the need to stop by the bathroom between every clas period so every time i have to see myself compared to them and then hear them say "omg im so ugly" or "my hairs so flat today" and like i know they are allowed to like be self concious too or like just comment stuff about themselves but its so tiering. i cant walk properly in the hallways because i feel too tense and overthink how to walk wayy too much. i like compulsivly run my hands through my hair, espcially when im nervous, and ik it probably looks weird bc i do it so much but it stopped being about fixing my hair and now its like somthing i need to do otherwise i will get too tense or smthn it just feels horribly uncomfertable if i dont do it when i need to. so anyways I've noticed that whenever I wake up I'm in a certain mood and that will be my mood for the day almost no matter what. like it could be a pretty good day but if I wake up in a bad mood it might be ruined. like, its not even what other people do or what happening in my life, I have NO REASON to be sad enough to want to kill myself. now right now I don't want to but what's kinda weird is two days ago I was literally planning it, like my mood changes so fast. I have trouble planning things because I never know what mood I will be in, and so it ruins my productivity and I literally have to like wait for a feel good day because i litterally cannot concentrate on anything. i skip meals alot too, but never because i think im fat i know i dont have like anorexia or somthing like that but even if im like REALLY hungry and i have food that would not be that bad if i have to like get up to get it or ask for somthing, ill just choose to starve. like and other times ill have food and i just wont want to eat it. i feel like if i acc want to eat a decent meal i need to enjoy the food, and if im just eating because im hungry i wont eat. the problem is i just end up fasting till the end of the schoolday after eating nothing at all. like i will acc go an entire day with no food, and just eat dinner when i get home. idk if im just lazy or picky or somthing but my friends kinda commented on it and i was wondering if i should be like, worried about it? because i know running off of no food all day cant be good for you, but i feel like i have to like force myself to eat somtimes. i honestly kinda enjoy the feeling of being hungry at this point? like idk what that means but like i would prefer that to being full. another thing is i feel like even when i eat like a ton of food i never get full? like i feel hungrier after somtimes. i think that might be why i prefer to starve instead of eat and feel hungrier too ig. besides food, i will straight up ignor homeowork i know im gonna get in serious trouble for not doing, and that honestly seems kinda normal but i feel like alot of times i will just choose to suffer even if its a super easy fix to make myself feel better. so ive been wondering if maybe the reason i dont get better is because its not anything around me i need to fix, its because im constantly sabatoging myself. i was curious what you guys would think, becuase i honestly dont know where to go from here. im not like sad right now but my life is very reppetative and i know there are so many things i could do to make it better but i just dont. i really hope im not just lazy but if you think i am please give advice idk whats going on😭. so anyways thanks for reading this huge rant