Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 17

I honestly don’t know why I’m like this. It’s like the second someone shows me even the tiniest bit of kindness or attention, my brain goes into overdrive. Suddenly, I’m imagining what our conversations will be like next week, wondering if they think about me too, and playing out fake scenarios in my head like I’m in a damn rom-com. It doesn’t even have to be romantic all the time. It can be a new friend, a coworker, a person I met once at a party who made me laugh. I get so emotionally invested so fast, and then I’m left there waiting, hoping they feel the same way. And when they don’t? Or worse, when they pull away a little? I crumble. Every single time. And it’s so frustrating because I know I’m doing it, I see myself getting attached, and I still can’t stop it.

The worst part is, I don’t even think people realize how hard it hits me. On the outside, I probably seem fine. I’ll say things like “Oh yeah, we’re just talking” or “No big deal” but inside, it is a big deal. I’ve already assigned meaning to every text they send, read into every emoji, every word, every pause. I’ve already placed so much hope and emotional weight into someone who might just be casually getting to know me. It’s like I don’t have that middle ground where things can just be neutral or slow. I’m either totally uninterested or way too into it. And it’s exhausting. For me and probably for them too. I get it. I wouldn’t wanna deal with someone who gets attached so easily either. But it’s not like I want to be like this. I don’t sit there thinking, let me obsess over someone I barely know today. It just… happens.

Sometimes I think it’s because I didn’t really have strong, stable connections growing up. I had friends, but not the kind of deep, lasting friendships you see in movies or on social media. I had moments where I felt really alone, and maybe now I’m constantly looking to fill that space. Like I’m searching for people who will finally stay. Who will see me, really see me, and not walk away when I get too intense or too emotional. But that intensity, I think, scares people. I give too much too soon. I reply too quickly. I ask too many questions. And then when they start backing off, I panic and cling harder. And then, of course, they really back off. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm scared they'll leave, so I act in a way that pushes them to leave. And every time it happens, it reinforces that belief in my head: that I’m just too much for people.

I wish I could be chill. I wish I could meet someone new and not immediately start caring too much or hoping too much. I wish I could just be in the moment without overthinking everything. But I don’t know how. I’m 20, and I already feel like my heart’s been through too many small, quiet heartbreaks that nobody else even knew were happening. And it’s not even about finding love or anything dramatic like that. Sometimes I just want connection—real, consistent, meaningful connection—and maybe I latch on too fast because I’m scared it’ll disappear if I don’t. But I’m learning, slowly, that not every connection is meant to be permanent. And not everyone who smiles at you or sends a kind message is going to stay in your life. And that’s okay. At least, I’m trying to belive it’s okay.

okay so i really don’t kno what’s wrong with me rn and i feel super confused all the time, like i got this bf right? he’s sweet and nice and he’s always there for me and we been together for like 7 months now which is kinda a big deal for me lol, cuz usually i get bored or annoyed but with him it’s been good mostly. but the thing is… there’s this other guy. and it’s not like i went looking for it or anything!! it just kinda happened. he’s in my class and we started talkin more and more, just being chill and stuff, joking around, texting late sometimes. nd now every time i see him my heart does that stupid little jump thing, ugh. i feel so wrong even typing this like what kinda person catches feelings for someone else while already having a boyfriend?? i feel like a terrible gf but at the same time i can’t help it. like my brain is screaming stoppp but my heart is like what if u like both?? and now i don’t even know what love is anymore.

i thought love was supposed to be this one person thing, like u find ur person and boom that’s it. no one tells u what to do when u catch feelings for two diff people at the same time. and it’s not even like one is bad and the other is better. they’re just… different. my bf is more soft and sweet, like the kind of guy who brings u snacks when u sad and listens to u talk for hours even if ur just being dramatic. the other guy tho? he’s more funny and confident and flirty and i feel all nervous around him and excited in this like crazy way that makes me feel alive. so what does that mean?? does that mean i don’t love my boyfriend anymore?? or do i just love them in diff ways?? idk if this makes me a bad person or if this is normal and ppl just don’t talk about it. i asked one of my friends and she was like “girl you gotta pick” but what if i don’t wanna yet? what if choosing means losing something important either way?? and like… what if i’m too young to even know what real love is and i’m just being stupid?? ughh my brain hurts fr.

some nights i lay there thinking maybe i just want attention or maybe im scared of being bored or maybe i like the idea of love more than the real thing, but it feels real. like when i think about both of them i get this ache in my chest and i just want them both to know how much i care. but that’s not fair right? i kno i gotta be honest and maybe break things off or make a decision, but i also don’t wanna hurt anyone. nd the more i wait the more i feel like im just messin everything up. i wish someone could just tell me what to do or if it’s even possible to really love two people at the same time. cuz if it is, then maybe im not crazy. maybe im just human. but if it’s not, then what the heck am i supposed to do with all these feelings?? everything feels messy and complicated and i just wanna scream into a pillow and not think about it but the thoughts always come back. being a teen is dumb sometimes.

This will be very long, but that's just how much I need to let out. So, let me begin.

I used to have a friend group, it felt like the world was mine when I'm with them. Plus, I was sort of the leader. But later, we all had separated because of most of us transferring to different schools. I wanted to keep touch, of course, but over time, we drifted apart. We still text, but what's bothering me is one of my friends from our group who I should say is one of the closest to me.

At first,we were both venting to each other about our new environment, but lately, I noticed he getting way less present. In our group chat, when I text her personally, she became more distant. I found out that she probably has new friends. So of course,she'd already forget us since she has a replacement now.

I wish I'm like her. Someone who can easily forget others. Because the more I remember, the more it hurt. Moreover, at my new school, I turned into a quiet kid. New kid, so everyone already has friends and has no room for me. Ignored, invisible even when I try to participate, they wont acknowledge me. Be it my peers or the teachers.

This made me feel lowly. Another thing if like to vent about (told you, there's a lot) is about my appearance. I'm short, wear glasses, not exactly that fair... I wish I can be pretty. I always wonder how other girls can look pretty, even if they look like me. I think it might be because of their fashion. One more thing I can only wish for. I want to wear outfits like them. They all look pretty, elegant and trendy. Like people others would walk by and say "wow, she's beautiful". But whenever I express my desire to wear pretty outfits, my family would tell me that it 'doesn't suit me' or like 'when are you gonna wear it?' .

My sister is trendy. She can go out on her own, buy clothes without worrying what others would think. She's tall, pretty, smart, admired. I'm only a year younger but I can never look as mature as her. She has her own bank card, her own purse... When I ask for these, my parents would procrastinate buying me one, I'll end up never getting it.

I just want to be like them. I want to have friends, go out with them, look pretty, go to fancy events (my school never does them, while my sister's always has these events), I just wanna feel wanted. But I'll always be the average, unwanted, background character. I wanna feel important in someone's life just like how important my friends are to me. I wish I can be someone who doesn't break down crying from just a few nice words from a stranger on the internet. I just want to be someone else who's not this pathetic me.

Sorry for this being so long, I actually have more to say, but I'll end it here. Just the thought of someone reading this whole thing is amazing. Just so you know, I appreciate you. I want to be someone who can provide comfort too. This makes me feel better, and I like that feeling. Thank you, thank you so much.

Hi I have a medical condition that caused me a constant chronic hiccups and its too hard to live with that even my boyfriend couldn't take it anymore

It's killing me literally

There were always different rumors about me because well I'm not really the invisible type ( basically I'm not afraid of cringe), but this one confuse me, I might be kinda sickly and my bones might crack a lot but I don't have any life threatening illness, even when I try to explain that I'm fine, my schoolmates just look at me with pity, heck people even organized a mini party for me and a mini fundraiser.... I don't know what to do I'm just sitting here confused as hell

what makes being too good or being too evil a bad thing?

yo fr i hate working. like i kno some ppl say that but nah i really mean it. every job i ever had or tried to have just made me wanna quit life. school already drains me enough, sittin in a class all day hearing stuff i don’t even care about and then ppl expect me to go flip burgers or stock shelves after?? nah bro, miss me with that. i aint lazy lazy like i’ll do stuff if i have to, but if i can avoid doin too much, best believe i’m gonna. the thing is i still need money tho, like i wanna buy stuff, get snacks, maybe save up for a used car or whatever, but i don’t wanna work my butt off 8 hours a day for it. that’s why i been tryna find jobs for people like me—people who hate working. not even being dramatic here, just bein real.

i been looking at stuff online and some jobs don’t seem that bad if u just wanna chill. like night shift security guard? sounds kinda perfect. u just sit there most the time, watch cameras, maybe walk around once or twice, but mostly ur alone and no one bothers u. plus it’s dark and quiet which is way better than loud annoying customers. another one i saw is library assistant or something. u just sort books and tell people to be quiet basically, which is kinda my vibe not gonna lie. nobody expects u to go fast, it’s all slow paced and peaceful. also heard about dog walking or pet sitting, and that honestly sounds fun. dogs don’t talk back, they don’t judge u, and if u walk like 3-4 dogs a day u can get paid decently. only downside is cleaning up poop, but honestly i’ll take that over dealing with rude customers anyday. and some ppl even make money just posting vids online or streaming games. i aint famous or anything but if they can do it maybe i can too one day idk.

i just wish ppl would stop acting like u gotta love working or have some big dream job. like nah man some of us just wanna chill, not hate our lives every morning. i see adults working like crazy, gettin burned out and miserable and i’m like yeah… no thanks. if i can find a way to survive without going insane, that’s enough for me. maybe one day i’ll find something i don’t mind doing, maybe not, but for now i’m just tryna figure out how to get paid without killin my soul in the process. nd if that means takin the lazy route, then so be it. not everyone’s built to grind 24/7, some of us just tryna stay afloat with the least amount of effort possible. and that’s okay.

Idk anymore..... I'm an MLM but I'm falling for a girl, I keep denying myself every day, it hurts me. But if I accept myself then I will think to myself what my family always says to me "don't get a girlfriend!" It really traumatized me. I'm only comfortable with guys, but with women. I don't know

My bestfriednd always had bad taste in men, they're ugly with ugly personality, but her boyfriend right now is destroying the last bit of patience I had for her, basically the only good thing about that guy is that he's tall, but he's face heck it could give people nightmare, his personality? Manipulative, arrogant, egoist, narcissist and want to put his schlong everywhere, I tried multiple times to get her to see that he's a bad guy but nooooo "sHe cAn fIx himmmm " she ain't Bob the builder, heck her own life is crumbling apart because of him but she doesn't want to see it and now she doesn't wanna talk to me because "I'm a bad influence in her life...." I helped her study, helped her find a scholarship, taught her how to make a C.V and how to network, but naaaah, i'm the bad influence, i'm tired of acting like her mama and when that guy cheat ( I know he will cause he asked me for spicy picture)I ain't gonna wipe her tears, I will tell her I told you so, if y'all were in my place what would you do?

i dont even kno what’s wrong with me fr. like i try, i really do. i sit in class, i listen, i take notes, i study sometimes too but it just dont stick. like my brain hears the words but it dont do anything with it. everyone else gets it, the teacher explains stuff and they just nod like yep that makes sense and im sittin there with the same confused face i had from the start. it’s like everyone around me is in on some secret and im the only one who missed it. like the whole world gets how things work except me. and i hate it. i hate sittin there feelin dumb while people answer questions and i dont even kno what page we’re on. sometimes i laugh it off like haha im just stupid lol but inside it makes me feel so small. i see the grades come back and they suck every time, and no matter what anyone says it always feels like a punch in the gut. you just need to work harder, they say. try a different method, they say. like bruh, what do you think i been doing?? its not like i wanna fail. i go home and i got nothin to be proud of. my mom asks how school was and i lie, say it’s fine, but its not. i feel like the dumb one in every room, every group, every conversation. even my friends joke about it sometimes like oh that’s just you being slow again and i laugh cuz i dont want them to see how much it really gets to me.

i see smart kids and i wish i was like them. like how do they make it look so easy?? like they just know stuff. they get the grades, they get the praise, teachers like them, they get picked for things, nd im just… there. i dont even kno what im good at anymore. not school, not sports, not talkin to people, like what is even the point of me?? i feel like a mistake. like i was born broken or something. nd yeah maybe people will say dont be so hard on yourself or everyone learns differently but that don’t help when u the one failing every test. that don’t help when u see ur friends talkin about college and future jobs and im just tryna survive next period without crying. i get scared. like, what if this never changes? what if im always the one that don’t get it? what if im always the one people look at and feel sorry for? i wanna be smart. i wanna make my parents proud. i wanna have a future where i don’t feel useless every day. but right now? i just feel dumb. nd i keep askin myself why. why am i dumb? why cant i be normal? why does my brain feel like it hates me? no one gives answers that make sense. no one gets it. they just say stuff to make me feel better but they don’t know what it’s like. nd honestly, i don’t even kno how much longer i can take feeling like this every single day...

TW // talk about SH/suicide

Extra info: My parents divorced when I was 4, I've been going back and forth between their houses every week since and once I started driving it became every two weeks

I'm so tired of having to deal with my parents like unironically. They are good people, they've taken pretty good care of me all things considered but they aren't really good at being supportive past a surface level. Neither of them seem to be able to accept the fact that I am mentally disabled, I use the word "can't" a lot when trying to explain how I feel about certain things, especially if it is something that my ADHD gets in the way of and I just get told that I can and to stop saying I can't, then getting blamed for not doing things I've said I can't. (side note but I was actually diagnosed with ADHD as a kid but it was brushed off because "don't all young boys get diagnosed with ADHD?" actually pissed at my mom for that one, and neither of them thought to talk with my councilor about my struggle with schoolwork they just decided to try and make me do it themselves) Not only does ADHD make things a struggle but I'm also depressed and it just adds on to the struggle of things like cleaning my room or basic hygiene, yet my parents don't think I'm depressed. I work for my dad, it's a small company which leads to me being a key employee so when I'm gone it screws things up a decent bit, and I get sick pretty often or just don't feel good due to medical shit (chronic migraines and digestive issues + bad anxiety) so I end up calling in semi frequently. What ends up happening is my dad yells at me and gets pissed whenever I call in sick, perfect example being monday. I got like food poisoning or smth, was throwing up a bunch and had a bad headache on saturday with the throwing up turning into diarrhea, no stomach problems on sunday but the headache stayed, and woke up monday with diarrhea again and the headache being even worse than it was saturday so I called in sick. What ended up happening was my dad got mad at me again, and I got short with him bc I'm kinda fed up with it and told him I figured he'd say that and basically just rhetorically asked why he always blamed me for being sick, and he responded by telling me to stop victimizing myself and that I keep getting sick due to my lifestyle, which mind you my lifestyle is caused by poor mental health that he just doesn't seem to care about. I also have tried to explain how hard it is for me to put effort into things despite wanting to, but I don't think he gets it and I'm not sure if he ever will. I don't want him finding out how bad my mental health really is, but some days when we argue I have an urge to crash out and go off on him, tell him all the shit I'm pissed and annoyed about, be blunt and tell him that it's a struggle for me to get out of bed every day and go to work, or clean my room, or shower, or do anything else because most of my effort is spent trying as hard as I can to stop him and my mom from being the parents that have to bury their own fucking child. I know it's a horrible idea to open up about things to him though, because he views suicide as selfish and told me word for word that he "hates kids that self harm because it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and it's shit like that that makes it hard for me to believe he's ever had a genuine mental health crisis despite him telling me he has, because he clearly doesn't know what it's like to have self harm as a coping mechanism because it's the only thing you've found that works, doesn't make things worse, and stops you from doing things you don't want to, or be suicidal not just because you're tired of being the way you are but because you feel like a burden for constantly requesting help yet feeling an inability to use the advice given to you and just making the same mistakes over and over, having constant thoughts about how much better the world and people around you would be if you were gone, feeling like you're just screwing up everyone else's lives, and feeling like everything you do to try and get better or get help just makes it all worse. I just feel like a fucking failure because I have access to things like psychiatrists and therapists, but don't use them and I'm constantly flipflopping between whether I'm just being lazy, whether it's because of my mental issues/trauma, whether I even actually want to get better, etc. I've had my mom help me set up an online appointment but the psychiatrist didn't end up showing up after 30 minutes and I haven't been able to bring myself to make another one. Speaking of my mom, recently she had me fully move in to my dad's house because she's taking my struggles with self care as me disrespecting her, saying that she sees it as me flipping her off and saying fuck you every time she asks me to do something like shower or clean my dishes up and it doesn't get done (usually because I'm either in bed depressed or I'm playing a game with my friends while constantly thinking about needing to throw my trash away and questioning why I'm not throwing it away, sometimes getting to the point where I have literally punched myself trying to get my body to move and throw the trash away)

That's about it for the main cause of my rant, if anyone wants I can get into more issues I have with my parents including specific shit they've done in the past excluding certain details/descriptions that might give away who I am

I worked as a pharmacy technician from 2018 to 2025, and for the first couple of years, I had to navigate a pretty toxic environment with two older women, whom I’ll call Gloria and Haven. Gloria was notorious for her drinking problem, and the only reason she kept her job was because she was the ex-daughter-in-law of the owner. Haven, on the other hand, was dealing with hormonal issues, which made her quite difficult to work with. I tried to keep my head down during this chaotic time, especially with COVID hitting and our pharmacy getting hacked. Gloria's constant absences and messy personal life created a lot of tension, and while some wanted to support her, I felt it was unfair that she was expected to be the glue holding everything together. Eventually, she got fired in 2022, but by then, I had already been dealing with the stress of Haven's constant criticism. She often apologized for her behavior, but it still took a toll on my mental health. I remember one instance where I was trying to split an oblong pill, and no matter how I explained that it wouldn’t break evenly, she kept insisting I was doing it wrong. It was exhausting. I showed her my pills, and she reacted strongly, saying it was disgusting and questioning how I would feel if I had to take something that looked like that. Her loud and dramatic nature made me feel even worse, and when she demonstrated how to break the pills, it turned out to be the same method I was using. I was terrified, feeling like I could never do anything perfectly. Afterward, I decided to talk to my manager about quitting and possibly going back to school. He offered to handle the situation and said we’d discuss it later, but I left early that day, overwhelmed and in tears. I still haven't fully recovered from that experience. The woman who confronted me has since changed after getting her thyroid checked and even apologized, but the embarrassment stuck with me. Then there was Danny, another technician who, despite being a gay man, had a knack for making people uncomfortable. He often boasted about his sexual exploits in a room full of older women, which felt completely out of place. I tried to ignore him, but it became increasingly difficult to deal with his inappropriate comments.

He started off by playfully teasing people about their mustaches, which seemed cute at first, but quickly turned into a brutal and uncomfortable vibe. It was like he was trying to assert dominance in a really awkward way, making everyone around him feel uneasy. Thankfully, he eventually left, but not before taking frequent smoke breaks during busy hours, only to return insisting he needed to control everything. Now that he's gone, there's another technician, let's call her Linda, who's always complaining about not being able to sit down, despite it being a stand-up job. She’s in her fifties and constantly talks about her miserable life, including her abusive marriage, which she seems to think is her only option. I’ve tried to encourage her to consider a life without that relationship, especially since her kids are grown, but she seems too scared to be alone. Meanwhile, I ended up becoming the pharmacy technician supervisor, not because I wanted to, but because I was too much of a people pleaser to say no. It turned out to be a huge mistake; the added responsibility and constant issues made every day feel overwhelming. She kept playing with the same old stuff and constantly complained about wanting to retire. I already knew her backstory—her husband had been abusive, and she believed marriage was her only option for survival. I suggested that there’s a whole world out there beyond marriage and maybe she should consider leaving him since their kids were grown and he had no hold over her anymore. I sensed her fear of being alone, but I didn’t want to dig too deep into that. I was busy dealing with too many mentally ill people myself, just trying to get through my workday. Eventually, I became a pharmacy technician supervisor because I was a people pleaser and didn’t stand up for myself. They figured since I didn’t push back, they’d promote me and give me a raise, which turned out to be a huge mistake. I hated that role; it came with so much responsibility and endless problems, making every day feel like a repeat of the last. It was like living in a hellish version of Purgatory. Unlike the show "Severance," where the characters have a clear divide between their work and personal lives, my memories from work haunted me constantly. I despised my job and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thankfully, I managed to find a work-from-home position in the worst job market imaginable, but I still carry the weight of my pharmacy experience with me every day. Since I started working from home, I've been grappling with some serious PTSD. I’m not full-time at my old job anymore, just working every sixth weekend, which isn’t too bad. However, my manager keeps piling on more facilities and sites for us to handle, and while my colleagues are managing, I’m overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I’ve had chances to return to my old job or even explore new opportunities in pharmacy, but I feel like a shell of my former self and struggle to function in that environment. On the weekends I do work, I actually enjoy it; I loved the job and the pay, but the toxic atmosphere really took a toll on me. It’s wild to think that three people who made my work life miserable are gone now, yet I’m still haunted by the verbal abuse I endured. Gloria was outright racist, Haven was emotionally unstable, and Danny was just a miserable guy who thrived on making others unhappy. When I left, Danny expressed jealousy over my new job, but he’s not happy where he is now either. Looking back, I should have left that job much sooner. I spent six years there, always thinking I needed to quit, but the pay kept me stuck. Now that I’ve been working from home for four months, I’m grateful, but I still haven’t healed and instead find myself dealing with PTSD. Thanks for letting me vent; it helps a bit. I have a few friends to lean on and I’m in therapy, but I still can’t shake this feeling, so I appreciate the chance to share my thoughts with others.

i hate it. the feeling of being seen, like actually seen, not just people glancin at you in the street or passin by, but when someone really looks at you, like they’re tryin to figure you out, like they have questions, like they see somethin in you that you don’t even see in yourself. it makes my skin crawl. i overthink every little thing, how i stand, how i move, if my face looks weird when im just existing, if my voice sounds stupid when i speak. every time i step outside, i feel like im being judged, even if no one is sayin anything. and the worst part? i know most people don’t care, i know logically they’re all too busy with their own lives to be analyzin me, but my brain don’t listen to logic. my brain tells me everyone notices, everyone sees, everyone is thinkin somethin. so i shrink, i make myself smaller, i walk quieter, i avoid eye contact, i make sure i dont take up too much space, bc the less people see me, the safer i feel. but its exhausting. always second-guessing, always panicking about the tiniest things, always wishing i could just exist without feeling like im being watched.

nd it’s not just in public, it’s everywhere. online, in messages, even around people i know. every time i post somethin, i think should i delete it? does this make me look dumb? did i say too much? did i say too little? every time i talk to someone, i replay the convo in my head a thousand times, picking apart everything i said, wondering if i sounded weird or annoying. nd it makes me not wanna talk at all. like, if i never say anything, if i never put myself out there, then theres nothin to be judged, right? but then that feels just as bad, bc i want to connect, i want to be a person, i just don’t want to be perceived while doing it. i don’t want people to have opinions on me, to see me one way when i see myself another, to misunderstand, to assume, to put a label on me i don’t want. nd maybe that’s the problem. maybe i dont even kno who i am without other people’s perception, nd that’s why it scares me so much. bc what if i don’t like what they see? what if they see the real me, and i don’t even know who that is?

man, i swear, i cant do this anymore, i feel like im just existing and nothing matters, like no matter what i do, its just the same thing every day, wake up, feel like shit, go to work, pretend im fine, come home, sit in my room overthinking everything, then go to sleep just to do it all over again, like what is even the point, im so tired, like not just sleepy tired but that deep inside tired that dont go away no matter how much i rest, i feel empty, i feel like nobody even notices me, like i could just stop talking and no one would even care, maybe they’d be relieved, maybe im just annoying, maybe im the problem, i try to tell myself its just a bad phase, that ill get over it, but i been saying that for so long now and nothing ever changes, people say "just talk to someone" but what do i even say?? hey, im miserable and i hate my life and i wish everything was different but its not and i have no idea how to fix it?? yeah, sure, that sounds real normal, theyll just tell me to "stay positive" or "it gets better" but how do they know that it gets better when every day just feels worse, i feel like im stuck, like im trapped in this life i dont even wanna live, and i dont see a way out, i see people happy and i wonder how they do it, how they wake up and actually look forward to things, bc for me there is nothing, i dont have friends, i dont have family that cares, i dont have a future that looks anything but miserable, and no matter how much i try to pretend like im okay, im not, and i havent been for a long time, i feel like a failure, like everything i touch falls apart, like no matter how hard i try i always end up back at zero, people say im young and i have time, but what does that even mean?? time for what, more of this, more feeling like i dont belong, more pretending like im fine when im screaming inside, im so exhausted, and i just want it to stop, i dont even know what that means anymore, all i know is i cant take it anymore, i keep thinking maybe something will change, maybe ill wake up one day and things will feel different, but they never do, and im scared they never will, bc honestly, i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this, its like my body keeps going but my mind checked out a long time ago, nothing makes me happy, nothing excites me, i see people making plans for their future and i dont even know if i want a future, bc what if its just more of this, more feeling alone, more failure, more emptiness, i try to distract myself, i try to push it down, but it always comes back, the feeling that im not meant to be here, that maybe i was never supposed to be here, that maybe im just wasting space, and i know, i know, people say "you matter" but do i really?? bc it dont feel like it, and i just dont know what to do anymore.

I don’t understand it. My son is 10 years old, and to the outside world, he’s the sweetest, most polite kid ever. Teachers love him, other parents compliment me on how well-mannered he is, and whenever we go somewhere, he’s always the one saying “thank you” and “please” and acting like a perfect angel. But the second we’re alone, the second we get home and the door closes—it’s like he’s a completely different child. He snaps at me, rolls his eyes, sighs like everything I say is the most annoying thing in the world. I ask him to do something, and it’s “ugh, do I have to??” or “why can’t you do it yourself?” but if his teacher asks? Oh, he’s doing it without a problem. If his friend’s mom tells him something, he listens immediately. But me? The person who does everything for him? I get attitude. I get disrespect. And I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I try so hard to be patient, to not take it personally, but honestly? It hurts. I see the way he is with others, how easy it is for him to be kind and gentle with everyone except me, and I start questioning everything. Am I too strict? Too soft? Am I doing something that makes him resent me? I read all these articles saying “kids act out with their parents because they feel safe”, but I’m sorry, that doesn’t make it easier. Knowing that he trusts me enough to let out his emotions doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting when he rolls his eyes at me like I’m the most annoying person on earth. I know kids push boundaries with their parents, I get it. But when your own child treats strangers better than the person who loves him the most? It’s a different kind of pain. And it makes me scared, scared that one day, when he’s older, this won’t stop. That he’ll always see me as the one person he doesn’t have to be kind to.

I’ve tried talking to him about it. I’ve asked him why he acts this way, why he can be so good for everyone else but not for me. And every time, I get the same answer—"I don't know." Like, he genuinely doesn't think about it. It’s not like he’s making some big decision to treat me worse than everyone else, it just happens. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe he’s so used to me being here, being his person, the one who will love him no matter what, that he doesn’t feel like he has to be nice. But why does that make it okay? Why does unconditional love mean I have to be the emotional punching bag? I’m his mother, not his verbal stress ball.

I love my son more than anything, but some days, it’s hard not to feel unappreciated. Some days, I wish he could see how much effort I put in, how much I give to make sure he’s happy, safe, taken care of. I wish he would look at me the way he looks at his teachers, his friend’s parents, the nice lady at the grocery store. But most of all? I wish I knew that this is just a phase. That one day, he’ll realize how much I love him, how much I’ve done, and he’ll choose to be kind to me the same way he is to everyone else. Because right now? Right now, I feel like I’m giving my whole heart to someone who barely notices.