Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 16

I struggle to sleep at night without seeing images in my mind. Sometimes my thoughts just race, other times I get recurring flashbacks of things that happened to me during my childhood. I remember things starting when I was about 4? My mother was an abusive alcoholic. I was pretty much at her mercy due to my father being deployed overseas. She was neglectful; she didn't feed my sister and I, she taught me about sex at a young age, I saw her having sex with her cousin. All around, things were pretty awful.

At some point, I was taken by the police to a station. We were shipped off to foster care for 2-3 years. My father fought hard to win the case and he eventually did, but he's no saint either. He's been through a lot as well but the way he copes is unhealthy. When we first arrived home, my father was doped up on oxycodone pills due to being permanently disabled and discharged from the military. He tried his best but he attempted suicide by mixing drugs and alcohol and we were sent to my grandmother's. I don't remember much between the ages of 7-12 so things kind of get blurry.

At some point, my father became so bitter and violent. He often compared me to my mother and would lash out at me in fits of rage. He would hit my head a lot and I don't have many clear memories anymore. I remember one time when I didn't take out the trash. It was around 12:00AM when he noticed that the trash wasn't taken care of. He immediately got violent with me and started pinning me against a wall, screaming and spitting in my face.

I decided to flee, barefoot in the rain. I ran and hid at a nearby apartment until he stopped looking for me. I sprinted over a mile to my nearest friend's house. I remember completely breaking down in front of him and I felt terrible. His Mom comforted me and gave me the guest room to sleep in. The next day I dreaded going home. I also had a field trip to a college the next day, so I had to suck it up and act like nothing happened. I remember the field trip being a blast, though. My theatre class went and saw a play. :D

Anyway, I just need to talk about this stuff. I can never find a proper way to bring it up to my friends or my therapist. I stopped going to therapy because I felt like they never let me fully empty my brain. I've been depressed for a long time. Sometimes I just break down because everything is too much. I get so frustrated with myself for holding myself back. I'm in my 20's with no job and no drivers license. I feel so pathetic but it's so difficult to start tackling these things.

I feel like a fish out of water, honestly. It seems like everything I touch becomes unstable. I don't have a good sense of self or purpose. I have passions, but I get burned out so easily. Sometimes I just want to disappear so I won't be a burden on anyone else anymore. I don't know. I find it hard to rely on others for support. I just needed to talk about this stuff tbh because it's been stewing in my mind for too long.

Piece by piece I try to keep me and Ed’s relationship together it’s so hard we sometimes fight normally we make up immediately after I’m always the one apologizing first though.. his family issues have gotten so bad that he is having thoughts of wanting to kill himself one time he said he wanted his family to die I told him how that scared me and we got into another argument not really an argument he just cursed at me which he never does but still scared me more lunix told me to gave a breather so I did when I came back he was fine I feel so useless I can’t help him I can’t make him feel happy does he even love me or is he trying to find excuses to live it hurts everytime he talks about it the pain everytime I feel like I tell him to stop he’ll never tell me anything so I deal with it hide the pain hide the shame I want it to End I just wanna jump off a fucking Cliff why is this so hard I just wanna talk to someone but Ed’s best friend said it makes Ed really upset when I talk about one of our fights or issues with someone else what do I do I’m so close to fucking ending myself everyday im losing more and more energy to even get out of bed..

(Lunix my sister Ed my boyfriend)

(this was originally going to be a message to an ex-friend, however I changed my mind.)

Hey there. I know it's been a while since we really talked as friends, but I just can't help seeing how you're doing. Are you doing alright? I'm not exactly there to see for myself whether you are or not. I don't know why you started ignoring me, but just know that I don't really mind anymore. I have new friends. I'm not alone anymore. Soon, I won't have any ties with you at all, and no reason to remember you. And strangely, it doesn't bother me. I'm realizing that I don't need you, never needed you, and won't need you in the future, and you know what? I don't miss you. And I don't mean that in a mean way; I'm just letting you know in my own way that I've moved on. It hurt for a while, yes, but now? It doesn't hurt anymore. Keep being you, Amy. I loved you and loved being your friend while it lasted.

Cym

I am 27 years old, working in marketing, and I honestly don’t know if I am the one being too uptight or if my coworkers are just straight-up impossible to deal with. The thing is, everyone in my team seems to treat the office like a party venue rather than a workplace. I am not exaggerating when I say that most of them are openly on cocaine or some other kind of stimulant, and they almost brag about it, like it’s part of the culture or some badge of honor. They all walk around with this wild energy, talking a mile a minute, constantly patting themselves on the back for ideas that sound more like drunken rambling than actual strategies, and it makes me feel like I’ve landed in some parody version of the advertising world. To make matters worse, they act like they are untouchable and above everyone else, speaking in this arrogant tone and treating anyone who doesn’t play along with their nonsense like some boring outsider. I try to keep things professional, but it’s exhausting when I feel like the only one in the room who actually cares about doing the job right. Am I being unreasonable for wanting a little respect and focus at work, or is it fair to think that this behavior is totally out of line? I can’t tell anymore if the problem is me not fitting in or if it really is a toxic environment that no one should have to put up with.

I keep asking myself how to deal with them without either losing my mind or completely shutting down. I don’t want to come across as some self-righteous guy who thinks he’s above everyone, but I also don’t want to compromise my own values or end up enabling behavior that feels so wrong on a basic level. It’s awkward because I can’t exactly call them out—it would make me the target, and they already treat me like I’m too “serious” or “square” just because I don’t get wasted with them after hours. At the same time, if I stay silent, I feel like I’m giving them permission to keep acting this way, and it makes me dread going into the office every single day. I wonder if the right move is to distance myself as much as possible, stick to my work, and just let them crash and burn on their own, or if I should be actively looking for a way out of this company before it takes more of a toll on me. Have you ever had coworkers like this, people who are so wrapped up in their own chaotic world that they make you doubt your own sanity? And if so, how do you handle it without becoming bitter or completely detached from your job? Because right now, it feels like I’m stuck in a bad cliché, and I’m not sure how much longer I can play along.

last night I was out with some friends and I don’t really know how to put this into words because maybe I’m just overthinking things but I’m also not sure if I did something wrong. I’m 28, a man, and honestly money is tighter for me than for some of my friends, I don’t complain because life is what it is, and we all have our situations. they suggested this restaurant and I went along, thinking “okay just enjoy it, don’t stress.” everyone started ordering these fancy meals, steaks, seafood, bottles of wine that looked very expensive, and I just felt a bit out of place. I didn’t want to be a killjoy, but I also knew if I joined in I’d end up with a credit card balance I couldn’t really manage. so I ordered one of the cheapest meals on the menu and a diet coke, I was happy with it, it filled me up and it was good enough for me. 😅 I didn’t think it was a big deal, but when the bill came everyone started saying “let’s just split it evenly, makes it easier.” I stayed quiet for a second because I didn’t want to make it awkward, but then I said politely, “actually if it’s alright I’ll just pay for my part, I only had this and that.” nobody yelled at me or anything, but the vibe shifted a little. it was like they weren’t expecting that, and I could feel eyes on me, like maybe I was being selfish or cheap. am I selfish for that? or am I just being realistic? I don’t even know anymore, because I felt like I did the fair thing.

to be clear, I didn’t refuse rudely, I just explained nicely and tried to keep a smile. I even offered to add a little bit extra for tip to make sure the waiter was treated well, because in my mind that’s the respectful part of eating out. one friend made a half joke, like “come on man, don’t be calculating, it’s just easier this way.” I laughed it off, but in my head I was thinking of the line “don’t spend money you don’t have to impress people you don’t like,” though I do like my friends, I just think the quote fits the idea. I never said that to them of course, I stayed polite. the funny part is that later one of them privately said, “yeah I get it, I should probably do the same sometimes.” so maybe I’m not alone in this feeling. I kept wondering if being honest about my finances makes me selfish, or if it’s actually more selfish to expect someone to cover an expensive share of something they didn’t eat or drink. 🤔 isn’t that an okay question? I’m not angry, I just want to see different perspectives.

in the end I don’t think it ruined the night. we still laughed, talked, and walked out together like normal friends do. I don’t hold grudges, I don’t think they do either, but there is a small part of me that wonders if next time I should just go with the flow and split evenly to avoid that moment, or if I should stick with what feels fair and honest. I like to stay hopeful that real friends will understand, that money doesn’t define connection, and maybe even that this could open small conversations about how not everyone has the same wallet. life is strange, sometimes I think it’s testing how we balance being kind to ourselves and kind to others. if you were in my shoes, would you have done the same? or would you think it’s better to pay the extra for the “group harmony”? thank you for reading, I mean that sincerely. I hope one day I won’t even worry about this stuff, but for now it’s where I am, and I want to stay positive and just keep learning.

so... am I selfish here?

it's been a wild emotional ride for me over the last few years, and who doesn't love a good rollercoaster of feelings, right??? i don't want to give my age but I am under 30, juggling life, career, and a relationship that's been steady for three years. yet here i am, still longing for my ex like a bad habit i just can't shake. ever feel like you're living in one of those cheesy romance novels where you swear you're moving on, but the protagonist just keeps pulling at your heartstrings? it's like i'm stuck in a chapter that's on repeat.

my ex??? gosh, talk about a classic case of someone who just understands your blueprint, the human API that, somehow, no one else can seem to decode. he was, or maybe is, everything you love but just can't have anymore. have any of you ever been there????? don't get me wrong, my current boyfriend is great; he's reliable like a rock-solid firewall for my emotional security, a good guy who checks all those conventional boxes. why, then, does my heart insist on taking unauthorized emotional backups of time spent with my ex??? he was a charismatic and intelligent coder whose algorithms synced perfectly with mine. he could spark these fireworks of laughter and warmth that felt more like home than home itself sometimes. "it's the past," they say, "let it go." but how do you delete code that's embedded so deep within your heart's source file??? damn, ‘ctrl+z’ doesn't work on feelings.

it’s crazy because i gain nothing from these daydreams except perhaps a cascade of emotions that flood my mental RAM with nostalgia. i've tried convincing myself again and again that i’ve moved on... you know, especially during those three a.m. self-improvement TedTalks i give to myself. yet, any unexpected notification could easily bring a memory dump, a simple name mention that effortlessly excites my synapses as i wonder where the hell his life's code has taken him nowadays. the human brain is an intricate web of neurons and chemistry, but honestly???? i sometimes wonder if it's the heart that really wears the pants in this relationship dynamic.

now listen, I'm not unfaithful or living a double life or anything, just stuck in this transitional period where one foot is on solid ground with my boyfriend and another slightly dipping its toe into a shallow pool of regret. it’s like being caught in an endless loop of emotional debugging—frustrating yet compellingly hopeful. am i the only one who feels this way??? should i just "git commit" to my current reality and disconnect from what should be a depreciating emotional asset???

the optimistic part of me is hopeful, as futile as it seems. isn't that part of life, of love????!! to hold on until something clicks into place, like a puzzle piece or a well-written script. i really believe that feelings are like machines—they require maintenance, upgrades, and sometimes, a diagnostic check. i just hope i find a way to restructure this emotional repository without corrupting it further.

and while i’m secretly rooting for an emotional resolution, my current love life condition seems like an endless test-driven dilemma with memories of the past persisting as background processes. i guess what's astonishing is how the human heart can function like a multi-threaded process, balancing multiple emotions with the grace of a precariously stacked jenga tower. for now, all i can do is keep pushing forward with this delicate balancing act, hopeful for a semantic patch that someday bridges the chasm between my past and present emotional states. so do any of you have a similar saga??? or is my heart the only one practicing this relentless emotional recursion???? tới lòng for sharing your stories, really helps to not feel alone in this digital ocean of unrequited love.

Gius... I'm really starting to feel unmotivated. I'm 31 tomorrow and working in IT as a developer for that big electric car company everyone's always hyped about. You know the one, right? (yep, the one managed by a f*ck*ng naz*) I used to be so pumped about working here. I mean, it's one of those dream jobs for a developer and I learned so much! But lately, it's been feeling like a never-ending series of sprints with no finish line in sight. The pressure is crazy. There's this huge buzz about AI and how it's "the future," and everyone seems to think it’s going to revolutionize everything overnight. 🕒 But come on, let's get real here. AI might be smart, but it's not MAGIC. So they shove a ton of expectations on us to deliver futuristic stuff with deadlines that could turn your hair gray overnight.

Ever find yourself sitting in front of your computer, just staring at the screen? That's me on most days now. It's like an endless cycle of code, meeting, code, meeting – you get the drift. And with all this AI craze, it's just getting worse. They say, “AI will take over the world,” and I'm like, yeah sure, in a sci-fi movie! I have all these questions floating around in my head about whether I'm even cut out for this anymore. Am I supposed to suddenly master all this AI stuff or get left behind like I'm some tech dinosaur? Also, the pressure of innovation is brutal – they make it sound like one small mistake and boom, you're done for. Meanwhile, everyday life just keeps speeding by while I’m stuck in this work cyclone. Everyone’s trying to keep up with the pace, probably thinking, "Is this worth it?". How do you guys deal with all this when motivation just disappears?

Guys, this may sound so ridiculous but I need help.

I've been in an orchestra in 2 months. There's a 44 y.o man that I really obsess over. I'm 18 btw.

He's a nice guy and he makes me feel like I'm not a stranger. He always notices me.

I'm so obsessed to the point that after he joined the orchestra, he's my only hope for a day of practice session. I don't want him to leave.

I don't want to be more than friends with him cause he has a wife; but I want to be in contact with him. I know that if he gets out of my life, nothing is going to happen and he's not gonna affect any aspect of my life; but I'm still worried.

I don't know if he's gonna appear in the next orchestra project or not and that's what stresses me. Also, my parents are judging me and they think I'm a devil who wants to ruin a marriage...

(I forgot to say that I had a history with this kind of obsession which led to something horrible)

_now how can I get rid of this obsessions and normalize my friendship with him, just like anything else?

The first time I saw you, my whole world changed

A love so instant, it couldn't be explained

One glance, one smile and my heart took flight

I knew I found my forever that night

Your smiles a sunrise that brightens up my day

Your laugh is the music that carries me away

Your eyes are the stars that light up my skies

A whole universe lives in the depth of you eyes

We joke about fire, a spark, a flame

But nothing on earth could burn quite the same

For you are the fire that lights up my soul

The passion, the comfort, that makes me feel whole

I cherish the moment, our very first meet

How my heart stumbled, skipped a beat

Love at first sight, it was written it's true

From that moment onwards, my heart choses you

Since then my love you've become my song

My reason, my comfort, where I belong

You're laughter in silence, light in the rain

My joy in the sunshine, my balm in the pain

No treasure compares, no riches, no gold

To the love we share, the hand I hold

For life can change and the world can bend

But my love for you will never end

Through days of wonder and nights of rest

I know with you I am truly blessed

For love like ours is a rare, bright flame

A story eternal, that no one can tame

I see our future, a thousand days

With laughter and warmth in endless ways

From morning coffees to midnight talks

To holding your hand on long, sweet walks

I dream of a home where your smile resides

Where peace and devotion forever abide

Where walls are filled with laughter and care

And every corner whispers "love lives here"

And even In moments when life feels tough

Your love alone will always be enough

For with you by my side I cannot fall

You are my strength, my heart, my all

If the years grow heavy and time runs fast

My love for you will forever last

Wrinkles may come and hair may fade

But our flame will burn the same way it was made

So take this vow, my promise, my song

With you my love is where I belong

From first song to last breath

My soul will stay true

For it's always been me

And it's always been you

hey, so I wanted to share something that's been keeping me up at night; it's about these dreams I’ve been having, all stemming from that carjacking I somehow survived. it's not the typical nightmares people talk about; these are vivid, relentless, and they cling to me long after I've woken up. you know how they say dreams are manifestations of our subconscious processing trauma? well, mine are like a non-stop highlight reel of that day’s terrifying events, played on a loop, with every punch, kick, and tug echoing in excruciating detail. imagine being trapped in a film you can’t pause, one where you're not in control, every scene as clear and vibrant as reality, and you're forced to relive it each night! it all started right after the incident; occasionally, the setting changes, but the core theme remains the same. is it normal to feel the physical impact of dream events upon waking? my psyche seems to be stuck in a feedback loop, desperately trying to make sense of the chaos; the slightest sound jolts me awake, my heart pounding as if the entire attack were happening all over again.

sometimes I ask myself, why does my mind replicate such suffering rather than letting it fade into obscurity? it's like my brain has switched to disaster mode! I read somewhere that this is my amygdala going into hyperdrive, but knowing that doesn’t exacty bring comfort when the flashbacks hit harder than a sledgehammer to the chest… and here's the thing, everything is intensified in those moments; street lights turn glaring and blinding, voices around me warp and distort as if trying to mock me, taunting me with fragments of past conversations that twist and churn my anxiety like a blender on high speed; emotional regulation goes out the window, and the normalcy I crave remains tantalizingly out of reach! funny, isn't it, how during daylight I can rationalize and compartmentalize, but as soon as the lights go out, I'm triggered by any sound or shift? have you ever felt your mind betray you like that, caught in a battle it keeps losing nightly? it's a solitary fight, when the darkness turns friend to foe, and I find myself awake, heart racing, trying to shake off the lingering adrenaline. seriously, what’s with the hypervigilance? am I forever destined to navigate the world whilst walking on eggshells, second-guessing even the neighbor’s dog barking?”

no, I haven’t tried group therapy yet; honestly, the idea of reliving the trauma in front of others doesn't sit well with me, not when even privately, the memory looms larger than life! yet something's got to give, right? because even the smallest things might set off a chain reaction leading me straight back to those horrific moments. but understanding and dissecting it cognitively is only half the battle! have you ever tried to catalogue experiences only to have your mind slip into overdrive trying to make sense of it all? because that’s precisely what I've been tackling. even sleeping pills feel like cheats, granting oblivion but never resolution, a band-aid on a gaping wound; the experts talk about reconsolidation therapy, exposure therapy, but where do you even start when every night's a battlefield?! you have to wonder if resolving such deep-seated trauma requires accepting that vulnerability first; dialing down the hyperarousal one step at a time; retraining a mind that's gone rogue and wild in survival mode.

there's something fundamentally unsettling about being unable to trust your own mind and the manner in which it processes past terror… the dichotomy's stark: a life of logical intelligence clashing against primal instinct! so, where's the balance, and is resolution even possible when you're eternally questioning if your defenses will crumble again under pressure? at the end of the day, the essence of these dreams feels not just like a punishment, but a reminder bestowed against my will, and confronting that without letting it drown me remains the hardest endeavor. so if you have any suggestions, maybe you've been through similar? I’d genuinely be open to hearing how others tackle such pervasive, all-consuming tension that manages to infiltrate the most sacred space of rest! just want a semblance of tranquility where each night doesn't have to mean revisiting hell, and isn’t that something we all deserve?

I left my toxic 9-5 jobs to look after my mental and physical health. I was able to lose 10 kgs weight and reverse my PCOS too. However sitting at home i have isolated myself and feel none of my entrepreneur ideas will work. I see other flourishing in life. Can i do that too?

Its of course, a stupid problem. Which makes everything even worse. Like many people, I'm in the first week of my semester. And I swear EVERY teacher has to have an opinion on how I take notes and how I structure papers. And a grade on it.

I hate annotating. So of course I got a teacher who makes us annotate everything. I am actually excited for when she starts adding more requirements than "annotations present", because at least that's some structure.

On the other hand, I have a teacher who went overboard with structure and gave us a god damn style guide of how he wants the outlines for our reading formatted. He wants headings. He wants full sentences. He wants us to separate out the thesis statement and write a conclusion. Not that the chapter HAS a thesis statement. It jumps directly into its first point. It doesn't help that the book is nearly 20 years out of date.

I'm so angry I can barely see straight. I can't focus. I'm tired. I want to go to bed. But I need to get this done now or I wont get it done and these god forsaken outlines are a major part of our grade. Like, I get penalized twice if I don't do well on this first one, because he will CAP A LATER OUTLINE AT A B-. The man can't explain anything to save his life either: I had to google how to do an outline, and I still have zero idea how to take the broad topic assigned for my final paper (Due in October. But at least I wasn't part of the third of the class who has to turn it in at the end of September!) and condense it down into something I can actually research.

Hey guys, I’m 21M and something has been bothering me. It’s stressing me out to the point where I feel like I’m losing myself, even though I seem okay to people. I’m stressing about my future and life. I’m still dependent on my family, and I’ll be graduating next year (2018). That thought is making me depressed.

I wouldn’t say I’m bad at academics, but I never give it my all, and even though I manage okay, or some I know I could do better. I always tell myself that one day, at some moment or event, I’ll start giving my best(not only for academics but for my life) but while waiting for that moment, I feel like I’ve been drowning. Zoning out has become normal for me I can’t even fall asleep or walk without zoning out. If I start thinking about my life, I just get stressed.

What’s made this even worse is that I used to be religious I’d go to church, read the Bible... but now I don’t do any of that.

Am just clueless right now and had no reason that I pursue.I’m just here to ask you, what’s something that kept you working hard? What was the moment or reason that made you want to change or to want more in life?

I feel like everything's in my hands again. According to studies I've done that explain how a girl and I operate, we've formed a group, thanks to previous groups. We collude based on these. Without going into too much scientific detail, I observe that the therapists or anyone around me has the ability to help me express the issue and thus discern details. I have to do everything on my own and through means that said environment includes us.

They come across as extremely obtuse people, based on prejudices. It's clear that when faced with new topics that also require their development, they don't give them any dedication. I don't want to imagine what that girl's environment must be like, or the things she'll say about us, trying to reconcile with it to avoid problems, surely bordering on the fact that this phenomenon that encompasses us is nonexistent or some kind of madness typical of a psychiatric hospital. At least in this situation, I can count on psychotherapists, many of whom dare to be our guide in relationships and, as a result, make us act on them. They, like my circle of friends, and most likely hers, talk about groups based on stereotypes without falling into the abstract realm, simply to fulfill said stereotypes, or profiles. But the fact is that they tend to assume concepts through scenarios associated with them without revising the definition, which could precisely point to other scenarios in which the same definitions apply. This becomes a headache for me because this issue with the girl is something I would like to talk to someone about, consistently and deeply, dedicating the necessary time to it, precisely to be able to discern what it is about between us and be able to act responsibly.

The attitudes people tend to resort to are that, due to their lack of appreciation for the details of the relationship—something that, in fact, only I can do—they simply, going a bit further than therapists, lead me to adopt evasive behaviors, leading to escalating conflicts with this person, and I'm not as fair to them as I am to them. In this sense, it seems that my environment is causing instability in my relationship, rather than guaranteeing its stability. Of course, I observe that they rely on the relationships I have with them to remain where they are, preventing this particular development that I'm experiencing right now. Keeping quiet will only keep this there, and it manifests itself in other ways, and frankly, they prefer to talk about it. I feel completely abandoned by those around me in the midst of these circumstances; I don't know how the girls will experience it, with their surroundings completely absent from the matter. Perhaps they will resort to avoidance, but the idea is not to fall into that same game.

It's exhausting to be alone and under pressure, because the fact that I have to keep quiet about it in my surroundings makes it a burden, a difficulty for me to interact with them thanks to their reactionary nature. It's a self-centered way of thinking; in other words, they're not considering my particular circumstances. All they say is that they can't handle me, and they want to deny it through my time with them and some communications, as is often the case. All under a sad desire to avoid feeling guilty. Furthermore, I feel invisible. How is it possible that no one has stopped to notice my expressions of feeling suffocated? Of not being able to say anything? People will say that the doors are open, but that only underscores this self-centeredness, an evasive approach consisting of only observing those things that favor their status of being okay with me when that's not the case.

The worst part is that all of this, everything I've written, I express to people who are strangers, because for them, it would be impossible, as it would reveal exactly what they don't want to see. This speaks to the fact that they aren't paying attention to my relationship with me in any way. The details they shed light on are ignored; it's like not being in it. I feel like no one has the capacity to support me in this, that they've left me alone and won't do anything to fix it, all because they want to stay in their own life, which they consider good in and of itself and don't have to change it, in their opinion. In fact, no one is interested in being with me through thick and thin, in this environment I've been thrust into.

I don't know how she's taking it; however, I only see difficulties, not for anything else, but for not knowing what to do in an environment that isn't collaborative, beyond perhaps going with the flow. In the midst of it all, I feel like I'm the only one capable of doing something for this relationship, for it to stay afloat, because, unlike many people, I dedicate myself to this, going against the grain of others. For her part, I'm far from such dedication, at least with specialized knowledge, because in her environment, she doesn't need it; she only knows that this is the case It affects her, and I do things that make things work, purely as a result of that dedication. Furthermore, I highly doubt that her environment would encourage her to support that dedication, given the fact that she's deeply embedded in it. For my part, I've managed to isolate myself as much as possible.

It's unpleasant to know that you're the only one who can do something about it and that nothing, absolutely nothing, is in your favor. The environment I'm in doesn't favor an individual modus operandi, but rather one that's simply standard. In fact, in my lifetime, I don't know of an environment that doesn't do this, and that's the one she's in, and it doesn't favor her. Wishing to count on her would be the same as counting on someone who pushes against me to learn; in other words, it would be an added burden. Being at a distance is how she can truly support me, unlike others who aren't and only feel like they're taking time away from my life, because they don't allow me to express myself as I am. I always have to be very measured so as not to trigger prejudices, and they harm me. I feel that's why I'm very reserved, and at the same time, it makes me understand why I tend to be somewhat popular.

I wish I had some kind of magic wand or magic powder, without referring to drugs or anything like that, that would make this whole journey end. It's like feeling a cross on top of me, and with others under social pressure, always supported by my feelings, and being able to reach points where people can take advantage, given that this occupies a busy part of my life. I wish things were easier, even through stories, poems, or some of those texts. I feel able to express myself to her because of the censorship on social media, which also seems completely excessive and without any consideration, constituting simple flaws of the platform. In part, sometimes I wish none of this was happening, or that I had never met her, however, not because of her, but because of the environment that surrounds me. I insist, she's doing well from a distance, since she doesn't carry weight; those who are part of it are very helpful; they can't do anything and therefore keep their distance. I'm talking about being part of it because there's a group among us, and that doesn't just go away.

I’m just so overwhelmed. I’m sick of English, math, civics, stem, Spanish. In every class I’m stuck with work and I’m just so confused all the time. It’s only the second week and I’m already stressed out and just can’t handle this anymore, it honestly is making me suicidal?? I feel myself scratching at myself for longer periods of time and doing it on purpose. Not even that I’m itchy but it just feels good to hurt myself?? I don’t know it’s just I can’t understand math and it’s making me feel like a failure, I’m already in a “special class” but it wasn’t doing jack. And my parents are going to divorce and it’s just small things piling and it’s making me just lose my mind. I’ve already told my mom but she won’t do anything to help me so I’m just.. so over my life at this point I was begging my mom not to go to school and I know damn well it’ll just make things worse. My head hurts so bad. And my throat just keeps tightening..

And I have a big state testing going on soon and I’m having 4 tests and quizzes next week and it’s really making me want to kill myself. I’m just so sensitive that everything puts me off.