Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 18

I find it hard to believe how complicated it is to express myself online using abstract language. It's something that fulfills me because it's precisely the language I need to express what I feel. From there, I seek to talk about my life.

Indeed, I feel this is about saying that life holds a complexity beyond what is normally presumed to be a life. It's an act of respect. It's a constant demand to adapt to a language that I find insufficient.

When I vent, I do so in order to talk about my life and be able to visualize it. Being overwhelmed, I can't see what I have to say about my life, which is me and what surrounds me in some way.

Speaking in a format that many seek, considered simple, being reductionist, is precisely preventing the way in which my visualization is necessary. This isn't talking about anxiety or an obsession; it's an effort to understand how I am.

Without a doubt, we can talk about nervousness about everything I have to say. However, I don't experience anxiety because I don't feel an imminent threat; on the contrary, I feel that this is more of a sign that I'm about to get out of something. Nor can I speak of obsession, because we're not even talking about recurring thoughts.

Speaking of venting, I am indeed talking about my life, and it consists of details, which may be various, encapsulated under a single theme. However, the fact that the question relates to a single person, a single situation, doesn't indicate being obsessed with a topic or anxious; at most, it indicates that one goes beyond the ordinary regarding said topics and considers oneself strange.

Today, and with the advances that have occurred in all areas of knowledge, I am surprised, I must say, that the strange is worthy of rejection, especially when it comes to people, a matter that requires precise treatment to be inserted. In short, venting itself, it must be said, makes us strange because it allows us to delve into details that are unknown even to us, even to ourselves.

It is often argued that we should think before speaking, when this issue represents or points to the difficulty of recipients receiving varied information. We can categorically say that no person thinks before speaking; at the same time they speak, they think, and they used to think even when they were silent. And the fact that their thoughts coincided with the words expressed, sonorously, expresses the obstruction they represent for us, simply a compulsion.

In this society, many things are defended with which I do not agree. I believe that we all truly want to face life, but it is at the cost of our constant exercise with it, and in the worst circumstances, which is to be alone. This society supports not doing that; after all, that would imply that this individual can do without them, so in the event of any reprisal from a majority, it will be indispensable. It must be said that many of the things that are pointed out as bad are ways of expressing that one should not be something that could be harmful, being against it. They call it politeness, but it's clearly anxiety. It's clear that those who base their lives on thinking that something isn't right and therefore need to change it, thanks to the obsession that it represents, since these are recurring thoughts that result in displeasure, seek said change as a result of the obsession itself. If we notice, anxiety and obsession are the entities that most often support each other.

Proper relief allows us to escape these situations because it allows us to tune into them and continue with our routine, with those thoughts that lead to its consolidation. However, change is used as an excuse to maintain the routine, invading other spaces, naturally encouraging narcissistic behaviors that weren't present before. We can safely say that anyone who seeks a constant routine and doesn't let off steam, given the changing essence of those elements external to our routine, which also change them, leads us to be potential narcissists. It must be said, these are not the things many therapists talk about.

Many therapists enjoy entering this field without having integrated their knowledge of the subject, which leads them to become simple victims of a system. Through their sessions, they seek to force others to succumb to it through their integration. They become counselors, simply detaching themselves from the discourse, from the particularity of the patient, to provide developmental treatment as an individual in their individuality, to bring them to a collective one, where the notions of anxiety and obsession are supported as accusatory elements, of that which runs beyond conceived limits. Indeed, these are against the idea of ​​letting off steam.

So, with psychotherapists, we can't let off steam. Nor with the environment, because it would be a struggle for a normality, furthermore, by not entering into it, making these individuals incapable of developing themselves and consequently segregating ourselves. Frankly, I don't understand how an individual can develop in this world, particularly. It's being at the mercy of situations that are camouflaged through discourses considered normal, open to everyone, but that prevent us from understanding what my life consists of, starting from the smallest details and which joy leads to a holistic spirit.

It's not fair that people like me, to say it without any fear, are at the mercy of such treatment. I know there are people like me who are also on these paths; it would be somewhat prejudiced for me to say that there is no one else. Of course, those who haven't been in the same terrain as me and only notice me will say that there is no one else like me. Of course, they take what they know as a sample and project it onto the rest of the world when, as can be seen, many are those who don't dare to delve into anything beyond my surroundings. How contradictory, frankly.

So I’m 31, a guy, and it feels like every family dinner or group hangout with friends ends up with the same question circling around me: “when are you going to finally meet someone?” or “why don’t you just try one of those speed dating events, it could be fun!!” — and I can’t lie, it feels like I’ve been hearing this loop for years now. I’ve been single for so long that it’s almost become like another skin I wear, comfortable but also kind of itchy when other people point it out all the time. The thing is, I’m autistic, and for me walking into a social environment that is structured around rapid-fire conversations with strangers is not just intimidating, it’s kind of like being asked to run a marathon in shoes that don’t fit right. I like plans, I like predictability, I like knowing what’s going to happen and having a rough script to work from; and speed dating is literally the opposite of that, it’s improvisation stacked on improvisation, with time pressure, overstimulation, and lots of background noise. My brain wants to plan every word in advance, but the event format makes that impossible, so I’ve been trying to find a middle ground. That’s why I got obsessed with the idea of having ice breaker questions prepared in advance. It sounds simple, maybe even silly, but to me it feels like a small safety net. If I have a set of go-to conversational openers, I might not feel like I’m drowning right away. I looked up a bunch of articles that say things like “just be yourself, ask about hobbies, ask about travel,” but that’s too vague for me. I need specifics! I want to go into the situation with like a toolkit, the same way you’d bring the right screwdrivers to fix something mechanical. Otherwise, I know I’ll freeze, I’ll say something awkward, and the whole interaction will just fall flat. Has anyone else felt like the basic advice doesn’t cut it??? Like when someone says “just relax and go with the flow,” what does that even mean for someone whose brain literally doesn’t flow the same way?

I tried to draft some questions myself, like “what’s your favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?” or “what kind of music have you been into lately?” because I feel like those are neutral, not too invasive, but they also give the other person room to expand. I’m also curious if it’s okay to bring up stuff like “do you enjoy your work?” or “do you like cooking at home or eating out?” — but then I panic because what if that sounds too much like an interview??? What if they just think I’m weird for scripting this in my head??? And yet, not having a plan feels like setting myself up to crash and burn; so I’m stuck in this in-between zone of wanting to prep but not wanting to sound robotic. A friend told me, “you’re overthinking it, just make eye contact and smile,” but eye contact itself is exhausting for me and smiling when I’m overwhelmed feels fake. It’s not that I don’t want to meet someone, it’s that I want to do it without feeling like I’m putting on a whole act that drains me for days after. And that’s the hardest part to explain to people who aren’t autistic — they think it’s just shyness or nerves, when really it’s more like running social interactions through a constant CPU-heavy processing system. I wonder if other people prepare “conversation trees” in their heads, like almost imagining dialogue options in a video game (I literally do this — like “if she says X, then I can reply Y or Z”), and it feels logical to me, but maybe it comes off stiff in real life. I don’t want to be stiff, I want to be genuine, but with my kind of wiring, genuineness sometimes needs scaffolding. Does that make sense?? I’ve read references that therapists sometimes use “social scripts” for practice, which makes me feel less alone in this. I know other people use them in professional settings too, like sales reps have their scripts, or customer service has theirs. So why should it be so odd if I want one for dating? Still, I’m nervous about how that looks in practice. Maybe I should test them out with a friend first, but that also feels weird because friends already know me. Honestly I’m just hoping if I go in with a few good questions in my pocket, maybe I’ll survive the experience without shutting down completely. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll even find someone who appreciates that I prepared, instead of judging me for it 🙂 Do you think questions like “what’s a meal that instantly makes you feel at home?” or “have you ever had a totally random adventure that stuck with you?” would work, or are those too much for a speed dating setting where you only have like five minutes??? I really want to get this right, even though I know perfection isn’t the goal, but preparation at least gives me a fighting chance at not walking out feeling like a complete failure 🤔

I feel so guilty because my dads mom gave me one of her expenisve dogs like a day or two after my old dog died and I just cant feel a connection like I did with my old dog Im not even sure if I love the new dog or not all I ever do is compare her (The new dog) to my old dog and wish she was my old dog because he was blind, grumpy, and just goofy compared to her whos shy and doesnt do anything besides panic and cling to me which maybe Im just not used to a dog who can see be as clingy as my blind dog I dont know but I feel guilty that I got this free show dog basically and I just dont really love her

hey everyone, i'm feeling all kinds of confused right now and i just want to let it all out 😅 so here goes... i'm 27 and have been dating this amazing guy for about 3 months, everything's been going pretty good, he's really nice and we get along super well. but then we decided to spice things up a bit and had a threesome with my best friend, who happens to be a girl. and now i find myself questioning everything about myself. like, am i actually bisexual? is this just a phase or perhaps something more? 😕 i keep wondering if these feelings are genuine or if they're just intensified because of the newness of the relationship and the experience itself. it's been a real mind trip, honestly.

so i’ve been replaying the whole scenario in my head, like every single detail, trying to figure out what i really felt and why. i realized that during the whole thing, i was just as into her as i was into him, and it was a strange realization to have. it didn't freak me out or anything (thank goodness), but now i'm left unsure about my feelings and it's a bit overwhelming. i mean, i’ve never had any kind of romantic or sexual attraction to women before this, or at least i thought i didn't 😕 but maybe it just took the right circumstances for me to feel this way; like maybe being with someone i trust, my best friend, gave me the freedom to explore these feelings without fear or judgment. idk, i kind of feel guilty about it all too, like i'm betraying my boyfriend or something, even though he's been totally cool with it. the question really is, what does this mean for me? am i just discovering something new about myself or is it a temporary thing? 🤔

i guess the cool thing is, i’m not freaking out about it or anything, more like curious and hopeful about the future. like, maybe it's something that could add an exciting new layer to my life and relationships? who knows! and my best friend and i have been super open with each other about everything, which has helped a lot. we’ve had so many deep convos since, and she's been really understanding and supportive 💕 the whole thing's actually brought us closer, so at least there’s that silver lining. but this leads to another question in my mind, like how will this affect my current relationship with my bf? i mean, i just don’t want to complicate things or hurt anyone involved. maybe it's all up in my head and i'm making it a bigger deal than it is, who knows. anyway, i’m just aiming to sort through these feelings and see where they lead me, no rush, just taking things one day at a time. if anyone's been through something similar, i’d definitely love to hear from you! 🤗 thanks for letting me get this off my chest!

I'm taking care of a 4-month-old puppy for a week, and I want to know some advice for it.

Thanks.

Ok let me start off by saying I work for a nonprofit. a NONPROFIT. I've worked at the same place since I was 15 years old. im now almost 19. so I have lots of seniority over most of the work team now. anyway that's besides the point. our media and community advertisement lady just quit, good for her she was amazing and found a better job. But the new lady they brought in? I never thought I could meet a pettier adult with a damn child.

Let me start off by saying my boss hired her straight out of college. so she thinks she knows it all. great. keep it to yourself. when she first started we were working on opening a second smaller branch of our store that I now practically run. She wasn't doing her damn job and making up the appropriate flyers for it so I did it under the ok from my boss. she didn't like that. but whatever.

for comparison I work at this new branch 5 days a week all day from open to close. she works one half shift there every week. that's it. and she won't cover other peoples shifts but gets mad when no one will cover hers. If I forget to change garbages before I leave for my two days off? she will take pictures and send them to my boss. That was back when she worked the day right after me. now it has switched and I work the day after her. and guess what? she doesn't change the damn garbages either.

so I did something boardering stupid. I started a journal. every time she does anything to me I write it down with dates. every time I come into the store and no garbages are changed? I take a picture, timestamp it and print off the picture to put in the journal.

don't even get me started about our policies. as a nonprofit second hand store our main shoppers are seniors. they can't just take furniture with them that day. they need time to find help. but at this new store we can't do holds. I had this elderly couple come in one day and want this wicker love seat. they couldn't have lifted a pot let alone a couch. so I said sure id hold it.

the day they came and picked it up? the day this new hire lady was in. she told the entire staff what id done like I broke a law and left passive agressive notes everywhere aimed at me about 'no holding' like ok Karen then why are you putting shoes under the cash desk for yourself to 'think about' for a week? HUH?

my boss finally came in and did her whole 'we can't do that' speech and I accepted it. fine. my boss actually talked to me and didn't leave a passive aggressive notes for me. good. all clear right? RIGHT?

nope. she texted me like an hour later asking if we had a certain piece of decor. she was vague with the question and due to her job I thought she wanted pictures of it to post. so I asked her if she wanted it put aside. she immediately texted me back saying 'we don't do holds.' LIKE SERIOUSLY?! YOU WERE THERE WHEN OUR BOSS SAID IT!! So I texted her back to cover my own ass saying like I thought she wanted it for a post. THEN she texted me back like 'oh yeah someone messaged her and wanted to know if we had them' like she was trying to get dirt on me. so I screenshotted the text and added it to my journal. like seriously? she has a kid and is in her 30s and she's beefing with a 19 year old over stupid shit like this????

And now they had to switch her days cause none of our volunteers will work with her and the only employee that will work with her is only available Thursdays. that says a lot. 7 different volunteers plus me and two other employees won't work with her. you'd think my boss would see it right? She's been working here for 4 months or more.

im so done with it.

Now here's the question. Do I take the journal to my boss now? or do I wait and see if I can't get more on her then go?

I'm feeling a little bit sad because I'm messing all my progress with my healthy life style. I mean no junk food, go to the gym and all that stuff. I don't drink neither smoke since always because I don't like it so in that stuff I'm more than fine at least. I was doing it really great. But since june I've been eating a lot of junk food and not doing any kind of exercise and I'm truly disappointed with myself. I made a big promise and I don't wanna break it. I know can do better than this.

So it's 6 am and the 28 of August. And i'm feeling a bit meh and my head kinda of a mess. Soon It's gonna be my (online) Friend's birthday and i'd like to give a drawing/card but i haven't started yet. At the same i'm kinda thinking about what I can do to make this next year as decent as possible. Today i didn't actually get to study cause we went out and after i was exhausted. Thankfully i had cooked again before for dinner and had leftovers. :) (Still have some!) This summer i've been trying to kinda get better ig. The past year was probably one of the worst. And even the ones before were also pretty bad. I've been trying build good habits. Still am, but i'm not sure how progress i actually made. Mostly i've been trying to build easy cozy mornings since that was one of the parts of my day i struggled a lot with and i had a lot of anxiety. Also I think that if i can start the day ok the rest of the day might also be ok-ish. The rest of the day Is Still kind of a blur tbh. But i've been trying to study some material i struggled with last year and i'm halfway. Also there's some work for next year that I might be able to predict more or less and i'd like to start It to be ahead. Still i am kinda questioning if my efforts are really working. like what if i'm not getting better? What If It's not working? Or worse, what if It doesn't change anything? What if nothing of what I do in general ammounts to anything? Especially since i already ruined two years (school years specifically but almost 6 in general) because of mental health issues getting worse. what if It's already too late to fix anything? What if i permanently ruined everything? What If It gets bad again? Yeah during those years my grades weren't horrible, but i could've done so much better. (In general also, not just accademically) And honestly that did affect me a lot and made things even worse.

Suicide is justified

why shouldn’t we choose to exit? Death is inevitable anyway whether I die at 17, 47, or 89, the end is the same. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Helping, studying, relationships don’t fill the void so why keep patching something unfixable? Even if life improves later, that’s still a gamble right now suffering feels endless, and it’s unfair to force someone to endure just because “it might get better.” Life feels like theft, not gift born without consent, condemned to suffering, then robbed by death.

suicide isn’t just “choice,” it’s the end of all choices. If you exit now, you deny your future self the possibility of ever choosing differently. The amount of life experienced is the difference. If meaning is something you can create, then more time = more possibility. the void isn’t eliminated, it’s carried differently. That shift (existential acceptance) changes how much power the void has. Suicide blocks that possibility forever. I agree but I have no motivation to play this game.

you can decide whether to treat life as a burden or a canvas. The injustice of being born doesn’t mean the only justice is exit. Suicide hands victory to those who hurt you; living (even broken, even with void) is resistance. I agree and I don't want victories anymore.

I may never “fix” happiness, but i can still create meaning or peace and that possibility only exists if i stay. Right?? Yes but pain is unbearable and there's no way I can fill this void.

Uncertainty Principle (Heisenberg) Nothing is 100% fixed. Even particles don’t have definite positions/velocities until observed. Exactly: The “permanence” of my void is also uncertain. Just like particles, my inner state isn’t fixed. As we know Quantum Superposition A particle can exist in many states at once until measured.

Science and medicine can’t fill a void; it can change conditions so that the void stops swallowing everything. It can raise the floor (sleep, nutrition, meds), loosen the grip (therapy skills), and make room where meaning-making is possible.

“In quantum mechanics, X (a cause) doesn’t force only one effect (Y). It creates a range of possible outcomes {Y, Z, A…}. Which one becomes real depends on interaction/observation in life, that’s your choices and actions, But Possibility ≠ happiness it is only the chance. The void remains, yet the collapse is yours."

Suicide is a rational solution to suffering. you can't know what comes after death. If it's nothingness, yes, suffering ends. But if it's something (unknown state, spiritual consequence, ripple effect), the assumption breaks. I believe in nothingness. Life has no inherent meaning suicide is neither wrong nor right. Life has no meaning but precisely because of that, we must create our own meaning. Suicide "skips the responsibility" of creating. Yes, life is suffering, but the measure of a human is how they bear suffering and turn it into strength. Ending it early is abandoning your post. Since you didn't choose birth, the only place you do have choice is what you make out of this forced existence. Isn't it cruel to ask someone drowning in despair to wait for an uncertain tomorrow, when their suffering is certain today? void of meaninglessness certainty vs possibility. I Don't ask "what makes me happy?" I Ask "what makes me 2% lighter?" Still nothing works I'm not happy anymore. I used to believe When meaning is present, happiness sneaks back as a by-product. But I'm Wrong. Same with emotional rewiring. Only from stability can happiness grow. But slowly I'm feeling it will not work. Years of disappointment/ trauma condition me to "not expect joy" so even when it's there, i don't trust it. It's not the genuine happiness I feel. My brain doesn't take it. I have seen through the game of "do this be happy." i realize the loop is empty so happiness feels fake. I agree partially, studying 24/7

doesn't give me happiness but it can give me purpose. "Purpose sustains you when happiness can't." I do partially agree.

The unfair part of life is that we didn't choose to be born yet we're expected to carry on as if there's nothing wrong. When we didn't decide to whom or how we're born, why should we continue living a miserable life when there's a way out? There is far too much obsession with "success" and material gain, and not enough empathy. Suicide isn't selfish. What's truly selfish is neglecting someone so badly to the point that they want to kill themselves.

I feel like the only reason that suicide wouldn't be justified in the ultimate sense) is if your life still contains obligations (unfinished responsibilities to others, society, or even to yourself).

I don't feel happy... there's no happiness trust me.

I want to start this off by saying that my dad isn't too bad most of the time. most of what he does, he does because he thinks it is the best thing for us. and a lot of the issues that I have with him are caused by the way that he was raised. I do love my dad, but sometimes he does things that hurt me a lot emotionally, even if it is unintentional.

the thing that I am really upset about right now is that he just threatened to shoot my dogs. I have a couple dogs that live inside the house. one of them has some issues with going potty inside the house. this is largely in part due to the fact that the lady who owned my dog before me never took her dogs outside, and trained them to use a litter box i side the house. now my dog never wants to go outside, but we do the best we can to make sure that she spends enough time out there. that being said, she still makes a mess I side every now and then. it is certainly not ideal, but i clean it up and move on with the day. well, today, she had another one of those accidents and my dad found it. he got all pissed off and threatened to unlike both of my dogs. I doubt he would even actually do this, but it still really hurts to have to picture my life without them in it. I love them so much, and I can't understand why he would threaten to take that away. he saw how hurt I was when our past dog passed. I could barely function, and I still miss her every day. I know that he thinks that saying that is just tough love and will make the problem better, but all that it does is cause unnecessary hurt and resentment. I wish I could talk to him about this, but he is the kind of person who doesn't want to listen to his teenage daughter once he gets an idea in his head because he wants to be the man of the house. I have tried talking to him about these issues, but he never listens. so I have just given up. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. especially since he knows how hurt I would be if anything happened to them.

the second big issue that I need to talk about is the church that he makes us go to. it is a Christian church, but it is horrible. it uses heavy fear mongering tactics, while preaching about love. the church is also quite sexist. they talk about love all the time, yet anytime anyone stops going to church or believes something different, they will turn their backs on them. I have grown up seeing my cousins stop going to church, and then hearing my family talk about how they are going down the wrong path and how terrible it is. they act like the worst thing a person could do is stop going to church. then when someone tries to ask a question and understand what is going on, they aren't met with love. they are met with yelling and anger because they are questioning the church. this to me seems the opposite of love and understanding. then, people preach about how we are worthless and there is no other good church out there. they also have extremely strict rules that if you don't follow, will keep you out of heaven. and of course, those rules are more strict for women. we are judged for not dressing a certain way, or for even being outgoing and vocal about your opinions. I can't wait to leave the stupid church, but i know that my dad is going to be upset with me. and then I am going to have to explain why I left, which is going to be terrifying. so unfortunately, I am stuck until I move out. I don't think he would disown me or anything for leaving, but he would definitely be upset. and I already know exactly how they are going to gossip about me. and don't get me wrong, religion has done a lot of good for a lot of people. but it has also been used as a tool to hurt and control a lot of people. I was brainwashed for the longest time to believe that I had such a wonderful family, and that I was so lucky that I was born into this church. then I started to realize how messed up everything was, and how messed up my extended family is that goes there. I don't have time to get into all the details right now, but just know that it is really bad. now, I can't stand anything to do with religion. it has been shoved down my throat so much all my life, that I can't have anything to do with it. which is tough because I would love to be part of a good, loving church community, but I just can't do that right now, and probably won't be able to for a long time. anyway, thanks for reading all of this, I hope you have a great day

I'm way past the age where I can be an angsty, rebellious teen but my fucking god dude.

I've been dealing with their abuse for half my life - they neglected me as a child and basically threw whatever toy or game I wanted whenever I bothered them too much.

To most kids that sounds fun, but try not being able to even tell your parents you love them without them looking disgusted or dismissing you.

It got worse when I got older as well, as soon as I turned 18 they begun to take my fasfa money for college from my bank account and use it towards whatever they wanted. Bills? Clothes? Yep that's what it was going towards!

Eventually they even got mad at me once when I told them I'm gonna keep the money and they started demanding it as if it was their birthright to extort their only son.

It doesn't help that they basically ruined my childhood - I learned what sex was at like age 8...because of them. And I also got a knife pointed at me once by my own mother because I was being bratty.

It didn't help that they also verbally abused me, calling me stuff such as faggot, queer, loser, cunt, fuckface, etc.

This affected my childhood and teenhood by the way, I ended up being way more quiet because I was scared that if i did something wrong or said something wrong I'd get yelled at or beaten.

It got to the point where I'd actually go entire days without speaking because I was so scared of being punished.

And now that I'm no longer a minor, I can't do anything about them.

There were several times I regret not calling CPS when I was younger when they started beating me or yelling at me, or even doing cruel things such as locking me in my room, denying me access to the bathroom whenever I got a negative grade, etc.

I've been called a disappointment and mistake more times in my life then I can count - literally only cause I never met my parent's expectations or simply because I didn't see the same ideals they had.

I'm sick of it, I moved back in with them temporarily while I'm trying to save up to move out with my boyfriend. It's been a struggle to find a job since my parents refuse to network with me, refuse to help me in the slightest, and even gave me a deadline recently that I had 2 weeks to find a job or I need to sign up "for the service."

Like are you joking? In this economy? I've been applying for jobs for 3 months straight now what fucking makes you think I can just magically wave a wand and get a fucking job?

And I'll be real with you, since this anonymous. If I ever get forced to join the service I will deadass just hang myself or something.

It doesn't help that naturally, because of my upbringing, I've hid everything from them. Every relationship I've gone through, every breakup, every bit of character development I've had in the last few years they know nothing about.

So their vision of me is literally just a hermit that sits in a room all day playing games when that couldn't be fucking farther then the truth.

Anyways thanks for listening to me rant :3

Needed to get that off my chest considering I have nowhere else to really vent too...and boy does it feel good to finally air that shit out somewhere lmfao

I'm with this girl. I love her, she loves me, no doubt. We're both girls, btw. But sometimes, I feel a little desperate. I do my best to please her. Making the best choices for her, making her happy.

Doing her kinks, notably. I don't force myself, but that's mainly because she likes that and make her happy. But I don't know why, I'm always under the impression that something goes wrong when I want something, want to do something my way. It doesn't work, or doesn't happen. Must be my fault, I guess. And yet... yesterday we did something that should've lead to a big climax for me. That was something like sexting, online. There is some times when I can write her long wall of texts to make her happy. And at this moment, I realized she was doing something else, was playing to something while writing to me, with long pauses between our messages, while I was waiting for her, while I was thinking we were sharing an intimate moment. It made me so sad. She swore to pay more attention to my self-wellness. I'm ashamed to say I don't fully believe it.

There's so many times when I don't feel considerate enough... But i'm certain she loves me as much as I love her, that she does her best, and she has a lot of things to do. It's not always easy to be with me. But... can't help but being sad, not confident. Not self confident. I'm afraid. I don't know what to do. We don't want to leave each other.

Wish you the best everyone, have a nice day, thanks for reading, it helps letting out some steam.

Bye !

I feel very disappointed in myself. I scored low in my math test and usually I don't really feel this kind of emotion because I usually don't care. But these days I've been feeling so disappointed and it got even more strong because I failed my math test and my friends and classmates scored high and i felt so dumb and i feel like I'm not progressing. I feel so left behind. This may sound exaggerated but school is my life. my life revolves around it. Failing it would be my biggest fear. Math has always been my weakest point and god knows how i always try to improve it. But it just won't happen I don't know why. Maybe I'm just really dumb.

Recently I've been feeling really crappy; I've been getting a lot of headaches, a huge loss of appitite, and I've constantly felt like I was going to faint. I brought this up with my mom and mentioned how I'm probably anemic (since I've had multiple blood tests done to show that I have an iron deficency and I show an alarming amount of the symptoms), however, she just said it was because I didn't eat and I belived her. But then school started and I was getting up and down and whatnot a lot more and suddenly I'm literally fighting to not pass out in my algebra class and get trampled by the greasy football kids. So far, it's been happening for multiple days and I've also been losing sleep. My mom always blames the symptoms on things like me not getting enough exersise or not eating (both are not possible though as I live in a very mountain-y area and I have to constantly walk up steep hills at my school to get to some classes, and I HAVE been eating). It's not new either, II have been expiriancing these things for a long time, even though it's more recently they're starting to get worse.

This isn't really the only time she's done stuff like this though. for a long time I struggled with anxiety and she had said it was 'normal for my age' but when an actual doctor looked at my anxiety they said it was extremely high for someone my age, to which my mom agreed to like she agreed the whole time and only put me in therapy after that. She's also doing the same for the fact that I can;t sleep and refusing to let me go on any sort of medication for my anxiety or inability to sleep, when these are things I have been serriously struggling with since I was in the third grade. It just kinda feels like she doesn't belive me whenever I say something is wrong or ask for her help with that type of thing. I love her a lot and she's amazing, but I really wish that she would listen to me for once because it feels terrible when a doctor has to tell her something I've been telling her for ages for her to be concerned or just listen.

I genuinely can’t do life anymore