Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 28

I am walking. It cannot be otherwise

hey there! So lately I've been kinda buggin' about this nagging thought that's been overtaking my brain way more than I'd like. I'm 21, and ever since I was a little girl, my head's been swirling with all sorts of weird rituals and obsessive thoughts. But these days, it feels like they just won't chill out, you know? 🙃 It's like every time I think I got it under control, it just ups the ante. Does anyone else feel like OCD is getting worse with age? Or am I just being dramatic here?

i remember when I was younger, it was all about checking the locks (like 10 freakin’ times) and making sure light switches were perfectly aligned. But now, it's like a whole new level. My brain's got this talent for coming up with new, more complex obsessions. 🙈 I get super jittery if I don't carry out these little rituals perfectly, and it's exhausting. I'm seriously wondering if there's any hope in sight or if it's gonna keep ramping up? like real talk, why is my mental health acting up like an angsty teenager? maybe I just need to give in and accept it, but man, it's tough; 😅 does anyone else feel me on this? or am I just being paranoid about the whole "worse with age" thing?

As I write this, I'm a junior in high school. Already I'm going through a lot and I've been through a lot in life. Tonight is like any other night of mine, except I'm sat in bed, typing away on my laptop on this site where I can talk about my feelings and experiences. I'm not even sure what to talk about, but I have so much to say. There are so many things I worry about in life, yet there are so many other things I appreciate about life. Hell, I don't know where I'm going with this, my thoughts are all over the place. I guess for starters, 2 days ago, me and my mum got into an argument. It was over something stupid but it eventually escalated to tears being shed, my tears, specifically. I don't wish to go into detail, but safe to say we were both just stressed at that moment. But ever since then, we've been distant. Our text messages are dry and there's no love in them. I just don't know how to fix this. School life isn't any better either. Gosh, I just want to get out. The boys in my class make fun of me for god knows what, the girls are annoying and are all the same with that slick back hair and loud humour, learning and studying is just exhausting, and overall it isn't so well. Yeah, I have friends, but even then I feel like I'm lonely. I've considered that maybe I'm the problem, and yeah, maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Either way, I hate it all. I just don't know why I'm the victim of those boys' shallow jokes and entertainment. Is it really that funny when you kick and throw a ball at my face? Is it really that funny when I'm speaking aloud for the class? Is it really that funny when I actually laugh and smile with my only friend in the class? And oh, it's always "boys will be boys", as if that reassures me at all. I guess you could say that's my pet peeve. But anyway, I just wanna get through my life, why is it me who they wanna make fun of? What did I do to deserve that? Maybe they hurt me because I'm just different from them. I have a lazy eye, I'm the only girl in the class with short hair, I'm not the prettiest of all and I certainly am not the loudest. But what's so wrong with that? Yes, I have a few things about me that are different from you, but is that supposed to excuse your actions? Everyone's different, everyone's born differently, everyone is their own individual and that's beautiful. And to take that individuality and toy it around like it's nothing? You are truly just pathetic. Shallow people will be the death of me and I am sure of it. The boys in my class are living proof of that. I just hate how so many people don't wanna even try to understand someones or somethings point of view or feelings, worse if they completely disregard it and/or laugh at it. Maybe in another universe, they would be better. Or maybe, in another universe, I just didn't care.

I'm more than sure that I wasn't born for this

Whatever it means

I can do better

I don't know how

But I know deep down that I can do better

I'm tired

Tomorrow I'm telling my doctor the truth because I need help

I can't keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again

I'm tired

I feel like I can't help it

Am I stuck in this fucking pattern forever?

In My Place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed.

How long must you wait for it?

so i’m 31 and i’ve been slowly trying to figure out how to emotionally detach from my mom, who i’m pretty sure has borderline personality disorder. it’s been a long time coming, honestly. like, growing up, everything felt like walking on eggshells. one minute she was the most loving person ever, hugging me, calling me her sunshine, and the next, she'd flip out over the tiniest thing, crying or yelling or giving me the silent treatment for days. it’s exhausting and confusing, and even now as an adult, i find myself second-guessing everything i say to her. i’m polite, i keep things calm, but it still somehow becomes my fault. she rewrites reality sometimes, like saying things never happened or twisting my words, and i get caught in this loop of trying to prove i’m not a bad daughter. i mean, how do you explain to someone that you just want space when they think space means abandonment?

i’ve been limiting calls and visits, just to protect my peace a bit, but that guilt creeps in, you know? like, she’s still my mom. she did raise me. she had her moments where she really tried. and i can see she’s hurting too, probably scared and lonely, but i can’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm. i’ve read about this stuff, and it all matches—splitting, emotional blackmail, intense fear of being alone—but i can’t go telling her, "hey, maybe you have this thing" because it’ll just blow up and i’ll be painted as the cruel, ungrateful daughter again. sometimes she’ll cry and say i’m the only person who really understands her, and then the next day she’ll say i don’t care about her at all. it’s such a weird cycle. i’m not angry at her, i’m just… tired. like bone-deep tired. but i still want to care from a distance, just not drown in her emotions anymore. is that even possible?

so i’m asking, how do you actually detach from someone like that, especially when it’s your own mom? like, not just ignore her, but truly stop getting pulled into the emotional chaos and the guilt traps? how do you stay kind without being a doormat? i wanna keep my heart open, not harden it, but also not be this emotional sponge anymore. i feel more hopeful lately, like i’m getting better at spotting the patterns and not reacting the same way. i journal, i breathe through it, i remind myself that it’s not all on me. but is it okay to still love someone and not want them super close? is that selfish? i’d love to hear how other people have handled stuff like this. i feel like i’m getting there, just… slowly. and that’s okay, right?

Who is utterly techie. Dunno if he likes me a lot or hates me a lot 😭😆😆😆😆😆 I am reallyyy confused.😭😭

Is it just me or does it feel like when you’re going to relapse your whole body gets cold. Like for me when I get urges I get cold head to toe and I’m getting tired as well when it happens idk what to doooo about it

Everytime I relapse I feel like the most pathetic and stupid person in this world

I'm not able to see my dad for like a few weeks or something, and my older brother is supposed to be taking care of me while he's gone, but every single day is just the WORST when he's around me. He always yells, shoves me around, hits and punches me and even pushed me down a flight of stairs. It's just the same stuff all day long. It's always over the dumbest stuff imaginable too, like why did you punch me cos I was hungry at night?? Do keep in mind that I was hungry cos he barely feeds me. I've tried to be nice and get along with him so many times, but he always laughs at me or just bullies me. I literally never did anything to him?? Anytime I've been 'rude' or negative or whatever, it's in response to him being mean to me. I'm so damn tired of all of this, but I'm too scared to say anything; my dad thinks we just bicker about unimportant stuff. It's 12am, and he's got his tv on really loud just cos he knows it stresses me out. I'm sick and trying to sleep, but he won't let me. I'm just so tired.

I met this guy online, we’ll call him V. V is super sweet and funny, and a pretty honest and open person. I started having feelings for him and I was worried when he kept referring to us as friends. We’d flirt so I wanted to make sure he felt the same.

So I texted this long paragraph about me being into him but wanting to set boundaries if he wasn’t romantically interested in me. I’m really trying to get better at communicating so this was huge for me. He said he liked me too but he was hesitant because he wanted me to be sure. He, like everyone, has his issues and he wanted me to genuinely like him before getting involved with each other. He also wanted to meet at some point so that I would be faced with the reality of who he really was.

I was so happy he reciprocated. However, I don’t know how to go forward. It’s an issue of getting to know each other better and being honest. What would you do in this situation?

I was probably 7 years old when I first saw my father hit my mother. I was mostly confused about what had happened. I don't remember the incident exactly but I remember me telling my upstairs friend who was of the same age. I told them my parents fight like people on the T.V like a fist fight where some person is getting hurt. She told her parents about this and they came to our house to have a talk about what I have been sharing with their daughter. My parents later on told me that I am not supposed to talk about these issues outside of the house. I never spoke about these issues ever again till now. I am an adult now and seeing a therapist every 3 weeks. Two decades have passed where I witnessed several incidents of domestic violence happening at home. I was scared, angry and confused. I felt all of these emotions during these incidents of violence. I unknowingly started taking less space and was always on my best behavior all the time so that there is no violence because of me. I started suppressing all my emotions when I reached late adulthood. The primary emotion I suppressed was anger. I couldn't take a stand for myself back then but when I crossed a certain age I started intervening into these fights. Sometimes he would leave her alone but most of the times she would ask me to get out of the way because she knew he wont calm down. He would only leave her alone till his anger had subsided till he had battered her till his satisfaction.

They both are old now (crossed 55 years of age) and yet there was a recent violence incident a few months ago. He got pissed off over such a small thing I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was already feeling low because I had broken up recently and this suddenly hit me. I froze. I couldn't help her. Luckily there weren't any serious visible injuries and my mother surprisingly is holding up. He stopped speaking to her for more than a month. My mother slept besides me during this time. I was unable to sleep most nights because all I could think of was the ways I wanted to hurt him. My resentment has grown even more because I thought it was all over and he wouldn't do this shit at this age and yet he repeated this that too at this age.

I finally decided to move out of this house because I couldn't sleep here peacefully. I wanted to distance myself. I didn't want to take my mother with me because she has also tortured me throughout these decades. Since she was abused she emotionally manipulated me for years which was brought to light during my therapy sessions. I felt hurt however I still understand why she is the way she is. She wasn't always like that. We both were walking on egg shells whenever he used to come home from work. I can still handle my mother's manipulation but the resentment towards him is eating me. I fear its going to follow me where I go. I have cut of contact with my father now. It has been a month now. We live in the same house but fortunately I have my own room where I can lock myself in. This helps in keeping the contact as less as possible.

I hope moving out gives me a room to breathe.

So I'm trans for sure after much confusion, and I know I feel more comfortable as a guy than I do as a woman, but my issue is that I can't get any of the surgeries or even get on T to help how I feel about myself or my body because I am in a very religious family and currently living with Donald Trump supporters. I am actively looking for a job so I can move out, but no place seems to be accepting even if they are hiring, and I am just hating myself more and more because of the things my grandparents say. I'm not even sure if I could come out and not be kicked out. I just really needed to get this out someplace since I have been sitting with it since 2024.

yea, I’m that guy who thinks all the freakin' time. it's like my brain decided to install a 24/7 thought processor that never takes a freaking break. really, who needs peace? like, I'm sure some of y'all think a lot, but have you tried shutting it off? good luck! it's not like just a quick thought poppin' up, no. it's like an endless marathon of ideas and what-ifs. and it's annoying as hell. my family gets pissed cause I zone out, like, right in the middle of a convo! can’t even enjoy a beer without wondering if I turned off the stove or locked the damn door. (yes, i'm the guy who checks it three times!) i analyze stupid things too, like did i piss someone off with my last text? was that joke at the party two weeks ago too much? gimme a damn break! 🤦‍♂️

gotta say, being a "thinker" isn’t as fancy as some think. it’s not like i’m coming up with the cure for cancer or some huge thing! my brain’s just stuck in beta mode, working on useless updates! have an actual conversation?? well damn, lemme just self-analyze 10 times after, picking apart every word. reality check—isn't overthinking one massive consumption? not helping anyone, just killing brain cells! thought about using those techniques, ya know, like meditation, mindfulness? tried that crap, like “focus on your breath”… are ya freaking serious??? i got bored in 5 seconds. too aware that my breath’s not interesting!! 😅 probably a five-step spiel for people who don’t think enough! does it ever cross your mind, like, when the hell is the 'off' switch for this annoying brain game? cause i need one, ASAP! when's the last time i just felt chill??? can't even remember! maybe i'm broken?! 😂 am i alone here or nah?? any tips? exaggerated much? nah, just real talk, my reality, yo. 🔄🔄