Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 91

Okay so, I don’t know how to write but I really need to let this out. My dad leaves to visit his hometown like ALL THE TIME, it’s like he’s not even a part of my life anymore. He just got back from one of his trips like a week ago and he’s planning on leaving again. One time he was supposed to spend TWO WEEKS down there but instead it was SIX MONTHS, he came back for a week then left again for another like 2 months. AND ITS NOT EVEN THIS THAT MAKES ME MAD, whenever he comes back all he does is yell. Like two days ago I woke up and he IMMEDIATELY forced me to clean the house or else my phone would be taken away, not to mention HES NOT EVEN HERE HALF OF THE TIME. He would also get into fights with my mom, calling her a pig when the house is a mess even though it’s HIS FAULT THE HOUSE IS DIRTY. I’m so tired. I don’t feel comfortable around him anymore, I always feel like I’m going to get yelled at. I’m honestly debating if I should just stop interacting with him..

My father has been such a raging asshole recently. Not just to me but all of his kids. Everything i do is wrong. I was hanging out with my sister while cleaning my room, we had the rats out running around while I cleaned. And he came in and yelled at me and her for letting the rats roam in my room. So I put them away. Then he started yelling at me about how my room was a mess. (I was literally cleaning as he was yelling at me) so I gave up. And layed in bed. Then he was yelling at my sister's for everything. I was trying to eat the dinner he made, but it was triggering my sensory issues (we bread) so I kept cringing so he told me to throw it away if I was gonna keep making grossed out faces and yelled when I said it was good I just didn't like how it felt so I was trying to eat it. He then took it away. And then right before I went to bed I was waiting to use the bathroom but my brother was blowdrying his hair, so I was just waiting, and when he asked what I was doing and I said "waiting for the bathroom" he yelled at me for not knocking on the door? And now he's yelling at me because I was 15 mins late to school this morning because I woke up late because I've felt sick nonstop for the past like 2 weeks and I've been having trouble staying asleep. So I'm exhausted. But seriously. Why have you been acting like that? What the fuck is the point? If your pissed off about something just stop taking it out on your kid. Especially your kid with the most violent and destructive tendencies because I don't know how much I can take before I take it out on him or myself. I'm not only pissed off I'm scared.

When I was a kid I was really good friends with my siblings, we all had good fun together. Well until one day in the summer. Me and my younger sister were playing a game of tag inside. And note of this: even though I was young I had and still have a porn addiction. So me and my sister were on my bed, tired from playing around. And I thought it would be a good idea take advantage of the situation. So I requested her to unclothe herself, and she did. So I continued to touch her cat with my finger, even going down to lick it.

I did end up getting caught afterwards, and the police did get involved; but I didn't go to jail or anything because of my age. And during that time I felt sick, I felt horrible. So I suppressed my feelings and forgot about it, only remembering it like 3 times a year or so.

Now, I'm 18 and I completely forgot about my incident; but one of my sisters friends met someone I knew. Telling he about what I did back then. He texted me about it yesterday, and of course I lied, I'm still in school. But the problem isn't that I lied, the problem is the flow of emotions coming back to me. I feel so disgusting, why did I do that, what is wrong with me. I'm scared he'll find out the truth, because I know that what I did was really bad, and I know that the public will think the same.

I've changed, I know I have, and I think my family knows that as well. But I cant help but feel like a monster, I wasn't to change the past.

I tried looking as this being a wakeup call by a god or something, like some higher being telling me to change my ways. But all I can think about is the future, I don't think I'll ever talk to my family again when I move just out of guilt.

Thanks for reading this.

A couple of years ago, a girl from the US came to my town in Europe over the summer to maintain her double citizenship to my country. I met her through our sport as she trained at my club during that summer to stay fit. She's a couple of years older than me, but we became quite good friends, and even after she went home to the US we stayed in touch and dreamed of visiting each other again - mostly of me visiting her in the US.

Anyways, she has now been doing her sport at a college in the US, and has sent me a kind of open invitation to come visit her and follow her busy student-athlete lifestyle for a week. I have a school holiday coming up in about a month and I've promised her to come visit for a week then. I can stay with her in her dorm and eat in her dining hall, so I would "only" have to pay for the plane tickets, but even that is a big expense for me.

Tickets to and from the US would cost me something like 1/6th of my savings (but they aren't that big, so maybe that sounds worse than it is), and even though I have access to a dining hall etc. I'll still have to buy some food and such when I'm there. My dad might pay for half of the ticket, but it would still be a very expensive trip, and even though I've already promised my US friend that I'll come, I can't quite get over how expensive it'll be for me.

I'm annoyed and frustrated over this specific situation, but it's not so much this one that bugs me as it is my family's finances in general. We (my mother, sister and I #divorcedparents) are constantly broke, and I honestly don't always get why or how it happens. My mom makes enough money that we should be doing fine in day-to-day life, including when somebody needs a new pair of shoes or whatever once a year, but every time we have to make a "bigger" purchase (e.g. a pair of shoes, a big grocery haul) she grimaces and is clearly uncomfortable with the amount of money we're spending. I barely speak to my dad because I can't do so without him trauma dumping and venting about exclusively his own problems to me, but I know he's at least as broke as my mom/us so even though he's promised to pay half of my ticket, I don't trust that he will or that it will be within the foreseeable future.

I know I can't really get mad at my parents for being somewhat poor, especially when I know my mom is ashamed of it when she has to borrow money from my sister and me or when she can't buy us everything we want. I feel like I can actually be angry at my dad because the main reason he's poor is because he's a lazy piece of shit and never has a job for more than 6 months at a time because then it "gets too boring" for him. I'm just tired of always being more broke than my friends and never knowing how it is we're wasting our money, and I can never go on a shopping spree or something like this trip that's coming up because I feel so guilty for spending money.

I've also thought of getting a job so I can start making my own money, but I don't know how I would ever find the time to it. I go to high school and train 1-2 times everyday except for sunday which is my designated homework day, so I genuinely don't have the time to also have a job. I'm literally spending some of my homework time on writing this, but I'm just so frustrated right now and I don't have anyone to vent to in real life.

I don't know why I wanted two dog, put I got two dogs month apart. At first things were going perfectly. My family loved these new puppies.

But all went wrong when they first got canine Parvovirus. That few week was very hard for me, I was scared and blamed myself for being too selfish and spoiled. I could've just gotten one dog and take care of him, but I didn't end ended up making two innocent soul almost died.

But surprisingly they gone through this dangerous disease fine. They were healthy and perfect. But the pet hospital didn't vaccined them because they were coughing. And that's when things went really really downfall. They canine influenza month after getting healthy. Doctors said put them into sleep because there is no medical for this disease.

I'm writing this because I really don't know what to do. I want to give up, and put them in peace. But I can't because of my own selfishness. I love my two dog... I just want that first month when I had them first. And please if you been through this fucking disease is there any way of treating it. Or at least making the pain go away so I can be with my dogs little longer?

( sorry for the bad grammar and sentence development)

I fight with my mom and when she wanna makes up i just freeze and cant talk. I give the toxic silent treatment

When i tell you that every single one of my friends is talking to a guy, i am not kidding. I have not had a single boyfriend my entire life, no situationships, not even a talking stage.

I have this one friend, lets call her jenna, she is in a month long relationship with this guy that another one of our friends, madison, used to date. Madison has had almost 3 boyfriends since her and this guy, the one that Jenna is now dating, broke up. My other friend, layla, is talking to this guy on snap and gets asked for her number like every other day. Even my really introverted friend, ashley, has secretly been texting this guy sense the begining of the school year.

And its not like im some random person that just lurks in the corner at my school, I sit with a pretty popular group of people, though i am the most quiet in that group. And its not like im super unattractive either, i mean i definitely am not pretty pretty, but i like to think i am average. i mean every now and then a couple girls from school will just walk up to me to tell me i have really pretty eyes, so that must count toward smt, right?

Not to mention, i see guys looking at me when they dont think i see them. BUT NOBODY ASKS ME OUT.

And whenever i do like a guy that i think likes me back, because they are lit always looking at me (im prob just delulu), they always end up liking someone else. One of them was the guy that was texting with ashley 😭 (but i didnt like him, he isn't my type).

I mean for the first couple years of school since i moved to this new state i was the stereotypical nerdy girl, so that might have smt to do with it.

Honestly, im probably just overreacting, it just kinda upsets me that nobody wants to date me.

Thx for reading this, hope u have a good morning/afternoon/night!💕

Basically the title. I moved out recently and its like my brain stopped lying to itself that my past situation was "okay" and "thats just how family is". Now i am just so angry and sad and cant stop replaying the handful of memories my brain hasnt blocked and wondering how I could have prevented them from happening. Like if i was just better behaved, wasn't so stubborn and just kept my head done the treatment wouldn't have gotten worse. If I brought home the grades she wanted she wouldn't have had to remind me how much i burden her and that the least i could do is be a good kid. If I didn't let her find out I am lesbian she wouldn't have had to say that no daughter of hers is gay and then treat me the worst she ever had till I convinced her I liked men again. If i was just the daughter she wanted she wouldnt have had to hurt me, humiliate me, ignore me for so many years.

I just feel like its all my fault. She wouldn't have had to do that if I was good and I know thats true because she told me. She said she did what she did for my own good, "tough love" or that she was "preparing me for the real world" but to this day no one has made me feel so worthless other than her. But its my mom, so there has to be some truth to it right? she always said no one knew me like she knew me, and its why she had to do what she did. I just feel so broken and dirty, like something is wrong with me.

all ive wanted was for her to love me, for me to finally be perfect enough that she doesnt have to doubt me.

Ive spent almost all my life trying to prove my mom wrong and now im questioning if she had a point.

I'm genuinely so glad that I started to get into art. I was making a new piece everyday, but with my mental health decline, I got burnt out. Same thing with mancala. But as of late, I have been making new art pieces and playing mancala again. I'm really happy with myself for making time for the things I enjoy most :)

I’m the biggest procrastinator, my visions & goals stay all in my head. Im scared to fail, or take chances & I hate it! I feel like I make excuses, like I want to become a nurse. It would change my life all the way around. Last week I was supposed to to take my entrance exam & didn’t because I felt like I didn’t have time to study. I’m a stay at home mom, with a spouse who works all the time but takes advantage he’s the main provider. He keeps to decided how much money I can like $20 a week or if we get into it he throws in my face he’s going to leave me with this huge house & rent. For the sake of my kids I keep it a non toxic environment & try to get along with him. But I want my own money, My own career. I want to live in an apartment in downtown, with my kids & nice car in the garage & start are life. I’m only 26 but feel like i’ve waisted so much time & i’m getting older. I was a stripper, a did so good, but i’m past my 21 phase & want to secure a career. I went to college for medical assistant & it’s cool & all but I want more. I’ve never worked at a fast food place I knew I’ve always wanted more in life ( No shade to the people who do, bc of yall I get to pull up, order & go! ) Even when I danced, I would hesitate to walk up to customers. They would come up to me but some nights I left home with nothing just because I was scared to approach someone. I wasn’t always like this. The current person i’m with, had me locked away at home for 3 years so when we spilt I had social anxiety so bad & had to get on medication. Now i’m doing a lot better & don’t let him do that anymore but man I couldn’t even go to walmart without breaking down feeling people looking at me. i just want to be able to say I took the first step & did it. Or sit in my nice bedroom & look how far i’ve came. But need that extra push.

sorry to be serious and i've been having trouble articulating myself lately sorry for that too. (not a danger to myself or others)

I guess for a really long time I haven't been able to feel any emotions or like purpose or anything but it was always manageable until recently. idk why but lately it seems a lot worse...I don't know what's real or what isn't anymore, i think this is real but I can't tell any difference either way, I know rationally and reasonably I am alive and other people are too, but they don't seem real either. I think I am a ghost. even physical sensations (cold, hunger) don't give me any sensations at all. I can't seem to physically talk to anyone these days (like I can't even tell people thank you when they hold the door for me anymore) and moving and walking and breathing even is honestly excruciating. and I have tried all those things people say to do a million times (exercise, good sleep, good food, water, etc etc etc) and none of it makes any difference. I feel like i'm high out of my mind, wandering life aimlessly, but I haven't taken anything. I am beginning to think if I tried to touch another person my hand would pass right through their shoulder. i guess i'm sort of at a loss. I used to do things like sleep in my contact lenses or walk to class without a coat to feel things but that doesn't even work anymore.

i trudged through the heavy snow today to sit on a bench at the frozen pond. I don't know how long I sat there, but it was a long time, because my entire body was shaking bad when I finally decided I should probably go. I never seem to notice things like that these days. I thought about visiting the campus infirmary but what do I say is wrong with me? obviously something but not something that I can name, nor something that they can fix. I kept expecting someone to suddenly sit down next to me, I don't know who, anyone, and we wouldn't speak, we'd just sit there together and look at the falling snow. but they didn't, and even though I dragged my feet on the walk back to my dorm no one ever appeared. that's not their fault. no one is going to save me. I know that. but I sort of hoped maybe there would be a magic figure, a fairy godmother or a wizard coming to whisk me away to a magical school. there wasn't, and there's not going to be. but I feel like i'm really running out of options here.

My mom has always been a drinker. Ever since i was a kid i remember at every barbecue, at every kid's birthday party, at every get together there was always alchohol involved. As a child it was normal to me, i thought thats how it was for all families. Every other day your parents and their friends would get together and get belligerent drunk, and every once and a while there would be an altercation or something. It was just the culture. And it sucked as a child, it was never okay, but it was the way things were. I wasn't going to stop it, i was a kid. I'm an adult now and drinking repulses me. I look back on all the horrible things i had to witness because of my families alchoholism and it makes me so fucking angry. Watching my mom's friend try to throw my uncle off our deck and through our fence, watching my aunt throw herself into a barbed wire fence after jumping out of a moving car going 40 mph, watching the barflies drag my mom up the sidewalk to our house and explaining to me that they're pretty sure she had a seizure so i had to keep an eye on her to make sure she was alright. I was 15. The first time i drove a car was to drive my dad home after a night of drinking, he had to push the pedals for me because i was too small to reach them. The first car accident i was in, i was the designated driver trying to get my mom home from the bar and we were almost in a head on collision. My entire face was bruised because i wasnt wearing a seatbelt. I've watched my mom have seizures, fall and crack her head open, give herself black eyes and swollen lips, and tonight her heart started acting up to the point where we thought she was having a heart attack. I'm just so goddamn tired of it, and maybe its bitter but i have no sympathy for her. In her drunken haze she told my aunt she had lung cancer and I don't even know what to say. She probably lied, is it even worth it to ask her in the morning? I think its more likely shed drink herself to death than die of lung cancer. Sorry if this isn't coherent, i'm just fucking angry.

My thoughts are all over the place and disorganized, so there's no way any of this is gonna be orderly and well thought out, I'm just going to throw my mind at the keyboard and send what comes out.

I'm terribly depressed, I always have been, there's been times where I'm at my lowest and I end up in a hospital, then there'll be times when things get better and I start to feel happy, but as life goes on I start to care about the good parts less and less and the bad parts become more and more unbearable.

I'm in one of those low parts now, and I just don't think I care enough to dig myself out again. The best part is that it's literally all my fault! I used to blame everything around me for all my sorrow and suffering, but I'm starting to realize that I'm the source of... All my own problems! My mother was a psychotic and abusive piece of dirt, and the rest of my family wasn't much better, I used to blame that for my depression. Money has always been a big issue, and I used to blame that. Every single friend I ever make ends up hating me and hurting me, before never talking to me again, I used to think that somehow, that wasn't my fault!

I have no friends now, I'm 21 and I've never had a girlfriend, I actually met a girl I really liked not too long ago and pretty much immediately, I found myself straight up telling her to block me because I'm a friggin psycho! So of course she did the smart thing and, ya know, did. I have coworkers and random people I know a little bit telling me I'm a great person, I'm cute, I'm funny, I'm great to be around, but I can tell that every time I do anything I mess it up. Any time I meet anyone, I make it worse. It's becoming so hard to care. I know I'm the problem, and there are so many things I could do to turn my life around, I have so many options! I really don't even have that bad of a life, it wouldn't be that difficult to turn everything around if I really tried, but I just can't find the energy to try! I know if I died, it would hurt some people, I have a brother, I have nieces and nephews, they would be sad, but I find that I can't even make myself care about their feelings any more either!

I could've been way more specific and detailed with some things, but that's the general idea, I push everybody away, I hate myself more than I hate anything else and refuse to let people close, I know for a fact I deserve to die, but every time I attempt to, I give up at the last second like the coward I am. If anyone reads this, they're probably going to give me advice, and tell me how I can try to make things better, but I don't even know why I'm making this at this point, because I know I'll disregard any actual friggin advice that I get!

So I'm just going to suffer, and I'm gonna keep putting on a happy little mask for everyone else, and I'm going to keep feeling alone and closed off, and I'm gonna keep up the pathetic victim mentality, and I'm gonna keep letting my life fall apart more and more, until there's nothing left of me! Because that's the only way I know how to live! Nobody can help, no therapy can help, no drugs can help, no amount of money and security can help, I'm the only one that can make me happy and I refuse to do so, because screw me I guess! I'm not allowed to be happy! Have a good day!

I truly wish I never told you who I was. And who I wanted to be. I never expected the absence of words I hated so dearly to effect me in such a way. I wish I never told you I was nonbinary. And that the names made me feel gross sometimes. I wish I was still propped up on your chest while you whispered our nicknames into my ear. I miss being your pretty girl. I miss being your wife. I miss feeling like I mattered to you. I miss you showing off your girlfriend to everyone you know because I was the prettiest thing you've ever seen. But now your to scared to call me pretty. To nervous to tell me I look beautiful. All of our compliments and sweet names are filled with anxiety and it hurts me to hear the pain in your voice. I hope you know I love you. And I hope you know.. that if I could take it all back and just stay quiet about who I was. I would. In a heartbeat.

In what world is a college basketball coach worth 1.2 million dollars for an annual salary? How can a coach make more money annually than the University President? For that matter, how can a university president be worth an annual salary of over $500,000?! Hey good for them! If the university is willing to pay that kind of money then who are they to say no. I just think it is out of line for people who work in an office, Mondays thru Fridays with weekends, nights and holidays off to make more that $250,000 per year. Just saying.....