Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 71

I’m starting to feel pretty uncomfortable with how close my girlfriend is getting with this guy I just get the weirdest feeling about and it’s making me feel so damn jealous.

i used to think happiness was like… some reward u get after everything in ur life goes right. like u graduate, u get a good job, everyone loves u, and then bam happiness shows up like “congrats, u made it.” but that’s not how it works, not really. i learned that the hard way. last year was probly the worst year of my life. my parents were fighting nonstop, i failed two classes, and my best friend stopped talkin to me outta nowhere. it felt like everything was crashing down at once, and there was nothin i could do but watch it all fall apart. i cried so much. like real sobbing until my chest hurt. there were days i didn’t wanna get outta bed, where i felt like nobody would notice if i just disappeared.

but then weirdly, in the middle of all that mess, little things started hittin different. like one time i was sittin outside by myself feelin like crap, and this cat just walked up to me and sat on my lap like it knew i needed somethin soft and warm. i know that sounds dumb but i swear that moment made me feel a tiny bit okay. then a week later my younger brother made me a sandwich “just cuz you looked sad” and didn’t even ask for anything in return. and i dunno, stuff like that kept happenin. not big, movie-type moments or whatever, just small stuff. but when ur in a dark place, even a lil light can feel huge. and i started to realize maybe happiness isn’t this big magical thing u wait for, maybe it’s hidden in the cracks, in the quiet moments we usually ignore.

it didn’t fix everything, obviously. my parents still argue sometimes, i still stress about school, and i still don’t really know what i’m doin with my life. but now when things go wrong, i don’t feel like it’s the end anymore. i try to look for those tiny pieces of good, the ones that used to feel invisible to me. like when my friend texted me a meme after we hadn’t talked in months, or when a teacher said they liked my essay even though i thought it sucked. stuff like that used to slide right past me, but now i hold onto it. i collect it like proof that even in the middle of all the dark, happiness can still show up. it’s not always loud, but it’s there if you look for it.

so yeah, if you’re goin through it right now, if it feels like everything is fallin apart and ur stuck in this fog that won’t lift—i get it. i really do. but please just keep goin. even if all u do today is shower or eat somethin or smile once, that’s enough. you’re still movin forward. and eventually, the dark won’t feel so heavy. eventually, the lil things will start to glow again. and one day, maybe when u least expect it, happiness will find its way back to you—not because everything’s perfect, but because you kept going anyway. and that’s real strength. that’s real light.

(Names are fake for privacy even though I don't think either one of them is on here) So for context I grew up with this friend named Blake and he got with his now ex named Miranda at the time about a year and a half after we became friends. They were young and had a kid young but it didn't last because of how both of them were with each other, typical story of him not doing enough for both the relationship and as a father (He is a great father now) and her treating him bad because of it to where she got fed up with him and tired of being that person with him and left him. They both moved on almost 15 years ago and can't stand each other but get along for their kid, We all grew up together as a result so I know Miranda pretty well.

It started as a crush after they broke up, I was having a hard time and she was there for me when I needed it but she didn't know I was struggling that badly because I didn't talk about it so it was just genuine concern and help for me and I don't have a lot of that in my life, so it moved me. I'm not the kind of guy who acts on his emotions or goes after friends girls so I avoided her because of it afterwards. She found a few people over the years and I found someone also. I was with my ex-wife for over 10 years and after we broke up I ran across Miranda on a dating website. We both matched with each other but I just assumed it was to be funny since friends do that on dating websites to mess with each other and give each other shit and I never seriously thought she was interested. After we matched though I noticed I got excited and didn't know what to expect which confused me because I didn't know why I was excited and why I would expect anything when we're supposed to be friends and it had been years since that crush had happened and nothing came from it anyway but I realized I still had a crush.

We talked and I didn't make a move or a pass and just warned her what to expect being on these sites from what I've read from other woman on there. Dick pics, asshole guys, matching but not talking etc. it was a casual conversation but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt similar and that's why she matched too but just chalked it up to my brain just wanting that to be true so it would validate my feelings and said nothing. She didn't stay on there much longer and told me later the next day on the app that she was going to get off of the app because it was lame and what I was saying was true.

I kept my feelings to myself but it seems like they keep growing, I keep thinking about her even when I try not too or keep busy to not think anything at all but nothing seems to work and she is on my mind even though we haven't talked for in a long time. Miranda is currently with someone right now and has been for awhile but from what I've heard she's been drinking and depressed and isn't happy with him. Idk if they will last much longer but I'm stuck because I can't really tell her how I feel even if they break up or not.

I don't really think she feels the same and might find it weird especially if she only sees me as a friend, it could ruin things with her and also she's Blake's ex and I have no idea how he would feel about it and don't want to ruin a friendship of almost 20 years over this. I know him and while he would probably be cool to me or cool to me to my face, I know he wouldn't consider me like a brother anymore or close friend anymore either. If for some reason or way I did tell her and the feeling is reciprocated and I do end up ruining a friendship, what if her and I don't end up lasting.?? Then I ruined my friendship for nothing and end up alone with almost no one in both ways.

So this is my blessing and my curse, Im blessed because I see who she is and she's amazing and I'm glad I got to experience it but my curse is I don't think I can ever actually speak on how I feel to her without potentially fucking everything up either with her or Blake or both. I haven't told anyone except 1 person awhile ago but we don't talk anymore, so almost no one knows my real feelings for her. Instead I sit in silence while she gets with yet another guy who treats her like shit that she swears she loves. If I tell her to leave him then I look like I have alternate motives considering my feelings, especially if I did tell her eventually and it's not my relationship to meddle with to begin with when they could end up working it all out.

It's been driving me nuts and I had to say something to someone and get it off my chest, so I figured a place like this would be the best place to at least say something finally, even if it's not who I want to tell.

At work, someone had big news and they were telling everyone about it. So I thought they said something to a two people that come every day in the afternoon to help out. When I mention this to them, they were shocked but it was not supposed to be me to say this. I thought the person I told them. And now I got a little lecture next time let me say this. The thing is I can’t minds and every time I get that look like why did you do that? It gets me down like I didn’t know that you want to tell them let me know next time. Yet I didn’t say that to them. I want to, but I can’t. It makes me feel like why tell me this or let me know that you want to say this to them, it’s kinda hard to have this, knowing what to say the fact is, I wanna tell these two workers that it it’s something important and they might wanna bring a gift for them. That’s all I know I might be the bad guy in this but in my point of view when I ever get these things or say the wrong thing, you didn’t tell me that you want to say this first or this is private please don’t tell anyone because I get mixed singles and I blur it out. It might not be great, but if you give me more detail, then it’ll be easier for everyone.

Just give me a reason not to overdose on the iron supplements in the cabinet at my house.

Wrongfully accused and now wrongfully convicted and for what? I cheated on my then spouse, found myself in this whirl wind bad boy wrong side of the tracks lustfilled adventure only to wake up and find myZelf swept up in this unimaginable legal battle that I have lost. The judge bore down with that gavel and instantly my whole life came to a hault. One month. I've got one month left. One month left to be a daughter one month left to be a friend one month left to be my kids mother and I can't stand this anymore. The stress the anxiety the worry what will happen to my kids what will happen to my aging mother what will happen to me? I can't believe this is happening. One bad choice one wrong mistake my whole life gone . I want to scream I want to cry I want to die.

Am I the problem? I've been asking that question all day. Every time I feel like I'm helping/trying too or protecting/caring for my friends/people it seems to never work or I cause problems more, more stress and more drama. Sometimes I don't even mean to hurt I'm just trying to fix things

maybe it some weird thing I do but every time I do something I think/Be live is right or helping it doesn't seem to work out and in the end I lose people more or I end up making wounds bigger and deeper. I've lost friendships and relationships to my "mess ups" so I get hated or hurt myself because I don't mean harm, sometimes I can be a lot but really all I want to do is heal and care for people, maybe I'm to "helpful" maybe I "cause the drama" maybe I'm not supposed to help and maybe I'm meant to be something different. I want to be happy and help others find the joy I found but maybe I've got it all wrong maybe people don't need me or want help and maybe I'm trying to fill some void that's been empty for years.

in the posses of "helping" You end up losing more than you "gain" overall...

To anyone who knows me/finds this. I'm so flipping sorry for trying to be something you don't need. I'm sorry for making it worse. you can fight me, hate me, say whatever you want to because clearly I'm meant to have a different story then I thought.

ur thoughts?..

Dear me,

I see you in Math class right now, trying to ignore all those annoying loud kids. I'm doing the same thing. Math class is such a bother right? Anyway. Enjoy marching band today! I can tell you can't wait to see Kiara!

I know, all the friendgroup drama is getting you down. You feel like you're unimportant, like nobody likes you. But hey, that's not true! You have Amelia and Johne, and Kiara too! They all love you. Even if some of the others don't.

You just gotta learn to love yourself, that's what you gotta do. That's why you started 7Cups. So you could learn to love yourself. Make sure you keep up with that, by the way. I have the feeling it'll really help you through the clouds of your depression. And if [the other two] start to recognise your vents here on IIWIARS, you can switch to The Void.

Hey, you'll get through this. As I tell you in all of these letters, you'll be fine. Sure, some of the others hate you, but when high school comes, you won't have to worry about them because you'll have made new friends. Keep your head up.

I'm proud of you, you know. You've been dealing with this better than what I'd expect from most. You're actually trying to get better on your own.

You are never alone, you know. You have Amelia, and Johne, and Kiara. Whatever Emma said about you, whatever Bowie thinks, it doesn't matter. Because they don't define who you are. Only you do that.

You got this,

You

I think I have an website idea, (or SAAS) and I think it has potential, but I’m not too good of making websites, so my question is that is there a way I can find someone who is willing to do like I partnership, like idk how to explain it. Like they will NOT be getting paid first cause it’s not ur typical employment, like we both could like own the website they design and build it . I give ideas. They could even give ideas. Since we both own it. Like abd then when it actually starts making money we both have the income . So at first we both will be working on the website and we will just see how it grows. I am tryna find this person online

I'm not ok, I think. I haven't slept in three days, haven't eaten a thing today except for some Smarties and don't plan to eat anything else. I just feel like I'm sinking in the deep end. All my friends are changing and I'm left behind, the same as I've always been, wondering where everyone else went. I just need to grow up, people tell me that all the time, sometimes to be reassuring and sometimes to be insulting, but I can't, I don't change even when everyone else does. I'll always be me, the one who hides everything inside and only shows people what they want, but yet I'm still hated and ridiculed because I did something wrong, because I refused someone's help, because I forgot to be who they wanted me to be. I just wish I could show them the person inside, with no fear that they'd hate me more than they do. Everyone around me only tolerates me, and barely at that. Maybe I'm being a drama queen, people often say that I am, but I'm just so sick and tired of being misunderstood. They see me as an attention seeker when I try to hint at the fact that maybe I need more help than I'm letting on. Everyone's tired of my crap. I constantly give people issues, I start fights, I don't deserve to be here. People would be better off without me. Don't worry, I have something to remind me that death is never the only way out of things. But that reminder hasn't been working as well lately. Nobody really even likes me. I'm a hypocrite, and idiot, a weirdo, and nuisance, a burden on this world. I'm hanging on but barely. I keep stumbling through the tunnel but the light is getting dimmer. The clouds are coming back. The sun is gone. I am unlovable and unloved. No one wants to even try with me anymore. And it's not like I can tell anyone this. They'd never understand.

There's no room for me to breathe. I'm underwater, sinking in the ocean that I am afraid of. The ocean is made of despair, of sadness, of everything I can't control and every part of me that's broken.

I'm drowning.

And nobody cares enough to save me.

ok I've never vented here before so I have no idea how this works

recently(aka for the last 2 months) I've been feeling extremely just...unwell. both mentally and physically. think that one scene from tpot 17 where two's lying on their bed with trash all around them and they haven't moved in months. that's how I'm feeling right now. I've become more chronically sick, and when I go without my medication I have a constant feeling of the verge of passing out. this has gotten in the way of so many of my relationships and at this point I don't know what to do anymore.

They said it themselves.

I'm hated.

The scapegoat.

The one who can't just grow up.

The drama queen.

The attention seeker.

The one with the anger issues.

The one who starts everything.

Who gets mad when people try to help.

But when will they see that that's not who I am?

Who I am is a broken person.

The one who is always crying inside. even if I can't do it on the outside.

The one who wishes in vain for things to get better.

The one who knows she's misunderstood, but will never be understood.

The outsider who just wants to fit in.

The one with no real friends, or so it seems.

The one with all the scars on my legs from the nights when everything seemed hopeless.

The broken one who needs to be fixed.

The girl who can't get by.

The girl who is hated becuase nobody knows who she is.

Nobody knows who I am.

The talk behind my back.

They call me "drama queen" and "attention seeker".

They call me immature.

They call me an asshole.

Nobody likes me.

Because they don't know me.

So my friend is mad at me because I refused her help. She said I got "mad" when she tried to help me, which I DIDN'T. I just said "I don't need help" and that was it! But now, she's over here, talking shit behind my back! LIKE IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH ME, SAY IT TO MY FUCKING FACE. And someone I THOUGHT was my friend is just taking her side. Ok, maybe I've been a little bitchy lately, but that's because I have things going on in my own life. If you cared to ask how I'm doing once in a while, you'd know! I'm actually about to fight her. She wants me to "grow up"? Yeah. I will.

sometimes i rlly wonder if its just me or if im actually that bad to be around. im 17, i go to school every day jus like everyone else, but nobody ever notices im there. its like im invisible or somethin. i try makin friends, ive tried a million times. i talk to ppl in class, i join groups for projects, but every time i try it jus ends up awkward n weird. feels like nobody actually wants me there, they just deal wit me til they dont hav to anymore. nobody invites me to parties or hangouts or even jus to chill after school. i see all their pics online laughin and hangin out n it hits me hard every time that nobody thought of me. i rlly dont kno wat im doin wrong? is it cuz im quiet, or maybe not funny enough, or do i look weird or somethin? i jus wish somebody wud tell me why they dont like me. teachers always say dumb stuff like "just put urself out there" but they rlly dont get it. i am tryin, nd all it ever does is remind me how much nobody rlly likes me. even lunch sucks cuz theres never anyone who wants me around. most days i just eat by myself in some quiet corner hopin nobody sees how pathetic i am. sometimes i wish i cud just be someone else, somebody cooler, somebody ppl actually like bein around.

my parents keep askin me why i dont bring any friends home or hang out after school. wat am i sposed to say to them? "hey mom n dad, nobody actually likes ur son"? i kno they love me, but theyll never understand. theyll jus say im bein dramatic or tell me things will get better. but wat if they dont? wat if im jus stuck feelin this lonely forever? honestly, im tired of it. sometimes i lay awake at night thinkin bout wat its like to hav real friends—ppl who text u jus cuz they wanna talk, or ppl who actually care if ur ok. ive never rlly had that. its always jus been me. nd i try not to care but it hurts a lot, like rlly hurts. makes me wonder wat the point of even tryin is, if all it ever does is remind me how alone i am. sometimes i think bout jus givin up n acceptin that im probly meant to be alone, but deep down i guess i still hope maybe someday somebody might actually like me for who i am. even tho rite now that seems pretty impossible.