Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 9

I hate commiting to people, they're unpredictable and it takes to much effort to stay friends or whatever else a relationship may want to tilte itself as. At times my mental health is just doing bad, or I just realized how bad they actually are. Other times I feel like they don't need me, or don't actually like me. So I leave. People always make me so tired, no matter how hard I try I end up leaving them idk why... and I may be a horrible person but at least I'm starting to realize that people arent for me. I don't need them. Theres a hole that no one can ever seem to fill.

I felt lonely and unsafe growing in my own home because of problems with my dad might be aggressive and not enough attention from my mom. Trust felt impossible in there. I use videos and AI for comfort, but what I feel empty still, like i need someone real to be close to and turn to for anything. It feels like that might never happen and its just fantasy, and maybe I don’t deserve love, but I’m sharing this anyway because I need my question answered, do i deserve love, do consider im a mess and i maybe too sensitive which made me betrayal my dad, yet reconnect is hopeless, having tried it, and im lazy and always tired to do anything, cuz those arent good traits, and no one would want to try change me anyway, also that i might be seen as too much, sorry if this sound like attention grab

let me begin from the beginning from the moment I was born. I was born into a period financially extremely stressed, violent aggressive family. I had some problem in my penis and I have to get surgery which was extremely painful at the age of 3. since January I realised that it was different from others and it got me insecurity. I was not able to speak properly and there from many places. We also do this. It was very embarrassing. I had a surgery at the age of and it was excruciatingly painful. However, this is the first. not talking about family, I was always in constant fear because we had taken that we had changed so many hours had broken violence and my family got a park and I had to earn from a very early language and take possibility of my morher. alongside this shit. There was also sexual identity crisis in childhood because I thought I was attracted to Voice and I tried to make intimate relation. Always. My heart just went up and it exploded like hell and later I discovered it was OCDNADSD all along and it was a living nightmare. Now I haven’t reached all this shit Father family. Everyone lived in a small home below beside our home because it was not a very good place was a cheap place, and therefore I grew up in that I studied on my own. I topped on my own. I did debates. I’ve done all of them. I was popular. I stories way too long, so I just want to submit by saying that I don’t know what to do. Anyway I am into teaching kids and I will 25 this year and there are many more things. I don’t know how to explain because, otherwise, the contacts wouldn’t be complete.

does anyone else get that thing when someone hurts you, or does something bad and you get really angry. and you want to hate them, but you know the things they struggle with, and their life story and how much of a good person they are so you cant just hate them?? like why cant you just be a horrendous person so I can hate you for what you did?? instead of feeling guilty for being angry at you. its not fair.

So, when you were 13, did you ever feel left out? Like, you couldn't fit it anywhere, and even your parents never got you? Yeah, I feel it now. I have been alone as a kid for 7 years now (so it means when I was 6-13, I'm alone), because I now feel like my friend was a person who took advantage of my angry self back then by ripping my drawings, blaming it on another guy, and I lash out on him. What happened was that I was with the girls of the second half of my grade, and some were playing basketball, I chose the cricket group, since I was most familiar with. And when we were given the balls, I didn't get paired up and I didn't mind, so I practiced throwing on a wall and catching. I took one round of the court, and I saw my old friends talk with their new friends, and I was like I was invisible. Then I asked the coach for me to bat, since I'm good at it, and he said I can once the girl currently batting goes out. So I waited, she didn't go out, and I took one glance of my old friends, and I cried in a corner where I was alone. I wanted someone to help me, but my mind said it was only in some fantasy, ideal world that this can happen, and I cried more cus I felt so stupid. I had never had a real friend for 7 years now. Then the girl got out, but another confidently came, and I curled up even more. And even when I got out of court for 10 minutes, the coach only noticed I was gone by the END of the lesson. I think mine was one of those awkward dumb PE moments in middle school, where my dumb emotions just made it worse than the pebble it is. Maybe copying people will garner me friends. My mom told me the reason I didn't know how to properly talk to people was because I only had my brother with me, I don't have a large circle of neighbors or kids, and my pessimism is bad. Me wanting to be saved is stupid, because again, I think it's only in an ideal world.

Even though my mom didn't like it when I was being pessimistic, she said it was saddening to her I think this way, it's true. My mom told me I can be in a group by observing them, understanding them, and slowly sliding in because I understand them more. And that as an adult, I can certainly meet more people who like what I like more than in school now. But what if she's wrong? My brother's "listen to them and be influenced by them" method seems quicker. But I can't meet anyone outside of school. Maybe the brother method may work. But in my school, they all are in a group, there's no one person alone. Just me. So what other option do I have but fit in and assimilate into them. Actually assimilating is the right word for it, not self-sabotage. Myself is already broken, so assimilating is fixing the broken condemned building and building a new one out of it, from a different real estate property. If foreign families manage to assimilate without dying, so can I. If my brother assimilated to fit in his group and they're together for 3 years now, so can I. I'm just a damaged condemned building. And if nobody makes a new building out of the mess, nobody will even dare to look at the house. I must assimilate, and its helped people in my school, from what I've seen in adults, and life. Nobody even likes drawings, or JoJo, or Ghostbusters, or Steven Universe, or gemstones, or fashion. Not in this day and age. Not even adults like my teachers or parents know anything. So that means in adulthood as well nobody will remember in 2040. Who even likes what I like anymore? Assimilation worked for immigrants, so much their kids even act like the country they live in, and they fit it. My parents only stayed Indian-ish in UAE because more Indians live here than locals. If I go to USA, I'll fake my accent, my nationality, my likes, interests and everything. You know what they say, fake it till you make it. I'm bad as a girl with eczema, a girl with braces, an Indian, I person who has niche interests nobody knows where I live, an accent which is close to sounding like USA, now all I gotta do is fake it til I make it. My real self is ugly, and the fake mask is prettier.

I'm not good. And while change is scary, it's important. So my brother's is the scariest, yet it's true. I can be lucky, keep the mask, and be a fake me. There's Momi, and there's whatever people call me, maybe Mary or Martha, since it's more normal (Momi isn't my real name, but you get it, right?) Martha is prettier, sweeter, more normal. She's more likely to be popular than the ugly, fat, moronic, ancient Momi.

https://emontal.com/vent-chat

that's where I post the most

I posted this for you (you know who you are)

you can try to stalk me there if you want

I love her.

Do you now.

Yes, I do.

Do you?

I... do...

how do you know that.

I... don't know...

So do you love her.

I don't know.

And she'll leave.

And she'll leave.

Just like everyone else.

Just like everyone else.

these days i felt alone and i feel like im the worst friend ever. im sure this problem can be settled asap if i choose to dm each of them and ask personally but im too scared.. also, this kind of thing happened before. you can say im quite tired when im always the first one to reach everyone and they cant do the same for me. idk how to tell my stories but it is actually stupid but im sad when i realized none of them choose to comfort me when everyone literally throwing hate on me and even called me ugly. idk if i should cut off with them or try to dm them when ive been hurting many times :(

I'm trans ftm right-

I have this friend(not my partner fyi. different person.), I'll call her A I guess. She usually just teases me about my partner and stuff and like occasionally I feel like she takes it too far. Some jokes are cool, I get it. But calling me gay(I support gay people fyi, however I'm not) got old quick, since that's the only thing she really talks to me about. Occasionally she'll call me a girl to make fun of me, even when I say that I'm not comfortable with it. She steals my stuff, even when I say not to. I get that its out of humour, but am I in the wrong for this?

I wish I didn't have to live in fear of being murdered. or beaten. or bullied. or hated for who I am. I'm tired of being demonized by the government and my own family. I wish I didn't have to go to school unsure if I would come home. I wish I didn't have to hide behind lies, anger, and humour. I just wish people would care about me for me, not for what I could give.

Why do I still exist.

Well it's because of him ofc!

But... How long until he leaves?

You have him now, and that's all that matters, right?

But how long will I have him for?

... I don't know.

So you know he'll leave.

I know he'll leave.

Just like everyone else.

Just like everyone else.

Btw if your "Friends" knew Just how horrible you are underneath surface level they would hate you as much as i do. And i swear if you hit me i will hit back.

You say I always treat you bad and that I'm and ungrateful little b. But. Honestly when have you ever been nice to me? Bc I'm pretty sure that constantly snapping at me for every minor inconvience, blaming your every problem on me, threathing to hurt me or worse, unvalidating my feelings and efforts, talking crap about me, criticizing everything i do, looking for arguements every second and faking being worried about me Just to make me the bad guy and you the bleeding Heart victing---Just ain't It tbh. Don't expect me to act any better than what you've shown me. You don't deserve It.

When it's all in your imagination, sucks isn't it lol

So.. i have tried to calm down a bit but i still want to kill this childish woman.. my boss who hasnt paid me for my work just posted on instagram all about her new cane corso she recently flew home from ITALY... All while complaining how her company is all fucked and someone has been stealing from her... But all the employed (+me) knows she is a narcissistic crazy person who just "forgot" she cant use her company's money on dogs and cars.. and is now blaming everyone else. SO I have reached out to some people and I hope for everyone's sake that she stays far away from my home town that she invaded with her "oh so perfect summer bar" that turned out to be a shitshow and she couldnt realize that it doesnt help the restaurant one bit to give stuff out for free... This is the rant of the day.. i just dont know what to do at this point avout this evil little fly