Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 9

Like genuinely I’m really starting to believe the whole ‘it’s really about the mindset’ thing like going into manifesting and all like IM in control with what I do with my life.. so I just have a couple stuff to ask about manifesting??

< attraction vs detachment vs assumption which is better??

< so manifesting is all about the mind and what u believe in so I don’t really have to do all that affirmations?

< like genuinely how can I make my mind believe something that isn’t there?

hello..as by now i don't know where this is gonna go..end up?...but i wanna share what im going true....

me and my mum..it always been me an her...she and my dad spilt up before he came back into my life again...i was young...i grew up 8 years without my dad...then i had a little sister before when i was 2....ok ok fastforwad...my dad and mum argue ALOT. like its a house hold hm...so...ya ever heard the saying hurt people hurt people?..yeh...thats exactly what is happening....

back in 2021 i started hanging out with a group of people.....hanging w them made me know that they had problems to...like me...

in 2021 my mum became...physical...often hitting me...calling me names....and all i did was brushing it off..keeping to myself...but things started getting far..over the waters..

i tried . i seeked help ..and got help until 2023 when i got into high school. life was going good..until my mum started again...

she started to pull me down,with what i wear,do or even say...i couldn't say nor tell her anything...so for 2 years i kept it in..dealing with in mentally...lost focus in studies...started cutting again...did it help?..no..it just left scars...even tho sometimes i felt as it did.

i judged myself daily..found out i had pcos...started starving myself to look like models...wanting to be pretty...helping around the house...so i can unless get a good job..but i didn't...

recenlty...it has been hard...i almost got death beat, mum it physical...jus because i talked to a boy....she says she would cuff out my teeth..make it bleed..brake my hand and foot...and if she has to go to jail she would...she said....anything i do is wrong..telling people don't follow my lead..im bad...im this that...but all i am is a girl...a girl that now is getting to explore..do things....i-...i try ...i try so damn hard...and theres so much more i wanna say..so much worse things she did...but i will just share this for now...all i wanna do is take a rest...kill myself?....i dunno...but imma keep cutting for awhile....even tho i been overthinking..getting frustrated....i-...stress...i wanna reach for the waters above...ti breath...but i only feel like im drowing deep below...i try reaching..swimming...but it went futher....

yep..thats all i need to share...for now..i just need some help...mentally and physically...

I am sorry that I'm here again to vent about the same things, but I have nowhere else to go, no one to talk to IRL. No one. I wish that that was an exaggeration- if you haven't seen things I've said before my previous posts (I think others can access them here? I can't tell, if not, oops) they have more detail of things. I just really, really needed this out, especially after an awful day with my doctor trying to take away medication that I need to live. She ultimately didn't, I fought too hard and gave her nothing that would let her, but it was clear she wanted to take everything from me just because I live different. Am different.

Home.

That's all I want, is to be able to sit in my room, or on the couch in a place and know that I'm home. I'm supposed to be here, I have safe people around me, I belong and am wanted here. To not feel like, every second of everyday, every moment I'm just waiting for someone to hurt me in some manner. For the government to do or try to do more to declare me unworthy of life.

I am intersex and trans, the government is trying to kill us off, you cannot deny it. If you genuinely still think you can, you're either blind or evil. Or both.

It is, Trump and his cronies are, trying to kill us. He's declared us not to exist, yet also says we should die, is doing anything in his power to make our very existence in itself a crime when all we want is to be ourselves and to live like everyone else. My state in particular just took trans and intersex people out of the Civil Rights Act, so the moment he would succeed, my life would be forfeit.

I'm mixed race, and look at the act from the 1700s he just enacted, allowing him to deport whoever he wants despite being a citizen declaring them dangerous aliens, create internment camps. Look at it. How long until he imprisons and deports lgbtqia2p people as a whole?

We have seen how this goes before, yet no one is stopping it, there are people outside the US blaming all of the country (even us who have been screaming for help and who screamed for people not to let him win) for it. We are just as culpable to them, so there's no chance we'll be granted asylum if we tried to flee. Not until we're being slaughtered in the streets.

I never really felt at home in this world at all, as a whole, I am going to die a slow and painful death under this regime and there's no way around it. As I said, I'm intersex and trans, also disabled and chronically ill. So many targets on my back. I keep begging for help to get out and everyone just tells me I'm, "not valuable," as a citizen so I need to become it or perish really.

Yes, I've been told straight up I am not valuable- even by other transfolk.

My own community is leaving me (and others like me), in the dust because I'm disabled and intersex, because I need "too much" help. Because I am "too much." Again, actual quote.

I just want to be healthy, figure out what I need to do to feel better, get everything back on track so I can study forensics like I wanted. Either anthropology or psychology. To get the hell out of here, away from the people hurting me (within my home and in the country) and find someone who loves me, who will protect me and vice versa, maybe make the loving family I never got to have. I want to adopt, I am infertile, children with a spouse and maybe run some sort of cat cafe. I don't know. I have so many dreams, so many wants, ranging from quite simple to more complex.

I want to live, and I barely even got to yet, trapped with abusive "family" that deliberately kept me sick and sad and dependent so they could do who knows what. I still don't know what their goal was ultimately.

Why do I have to justify my existence? Why do I have to be valuable to deserve to live, to deserve to smile, to deserve anything? Why do the beliefs of people that think a "loving god" flooded the world just because he was angry at his own creations, who apparently is the god of mercy yet wants to kill anyone who doesn't believe in him, matter more than a living breathing thing people can SEE?

I don't even know what I believe anymore. I was raised Evangelical on my dad's side, Catholic on my mother's, had the rapture shoved down my throat starting age eight and had my aunt try to exorcise me at fifteen or so for clear signs of abuse and just... Being me. Why are the opinions of people like that worth more than lives?

... Home.

I just want to go home, but I don't know if that ever existed for me in the first place, or ever will. I wish so badly I had someone to take me there, someone I trusted to go to for refuge, but I don't.

If it wasn't extremely unsafe and 99.9% likely to end in disaster, I'd start begging random people on the internet from better countries to come and smuggle me there (so to be clear I am NOT DOING THAT I just wish so badly I could get out of here...).

so now I am telling you guys the next part... so I have a best friends that I love so much right well.. we were soo good friend before the issues it was the 6 grade she meets two girls name kimbery and jasmine right well day or week goes by and kimbery leave fanny and jasmine and the thing is fanny treats me like shit.. she mades me like I should die I cant hold it she doesn't like me anymore and she does back to bring friends with Kimberly and there the thing Kim talk shit about her I told fanny do not go back to her because she is a bithc who is dating all of her ex and she said so is my life I chounted stop her..so I just let her to that and she said Kim is fake that she is annyroing and shit like bro I didn't do anything I feel lost and I am not tryna cry but she pick her over me she like a ghost to me.

well I have a best friend and a other who long distant so I'ma start with the long distant one so we been best friends for a really long time everything was going good until a girl name adelis came in and bethany started to be dry to me she never been dry to me before and well I found out in the 5 grade that she talk shit about me and bethany and I told bethany and she belived me but then a year ago and I was at my sister game softball and I called my long distants friend and we start talking right and then she show me texted from adelis and making Bethany laugh I stand there shock because she prominse me that she I wounte go back to talk to her and then we start bearly calling and it got me overthinking and well.. Bethany called me and told her friend wants to meet me and well I hate talking to new people but she was nice to me that it wanted to me cry. and she was like Bethany before she meet adelis and then adelis was always rude to me I never like it make me cry because I am sesevetive and I have issuss and Bethany only call me when adelis is in the call and elii and me didn't like it she made us hurt so we just brush it off and we didn't talk to them anymore and shit and Bethany makes joke that makes me bad about my body and makes up excuses to leave me to go call adelis. so is she even my best friend anymore?.....

LIKE BRO LAST WEEK EVERYDAY FELT LIKE A FRIDAY AND I DID MY HAIR ALL BY MYSELFFFFF (wasn’t the best looking but little me would be proud‼️) LIKEEE AHHHH LIFE LAST WEEK WA PEAK🗣️ obviously there were some parts that weren’t ideal but I had them for characters development 😽 like bro and MY POTENTIAL BRO I GOTTA START MAKING CREATIVE DIGITAL PRODUCTS- frfr also anyone have animated shows/comics(not dc or marvel) recommendations?? LIKE I WASNT FEELING ALONE I DONT NEED ANYONE🗣️ WHERE WAS THIS MINDSET DURNING LAST YEAR 2023 nov-dec well speaking of potential anyone know ways of making money online??[as a high schooler] ALSO MORE STUFF LIKE ANYONE KNOW HOW TO STAY CONSISTENT bc last week would have gone so much better if I had workout😿 But I can make this week better by doing stuff💪 can’t lie the only problem I have rn is I can’t get someone out of my mind LIKE THIS MAN WAS MAKING ME ANXIOUS ON THURSDAY WHY?? his shorter than me bro 😭🙏 LITTLE ME WOULD NOT BE HAPPY 🗣️🗣️ anyway that’s alllll PONYBOY‼️‼️

I don’t know when I started asking myself this question so much, but lately, it’s like a constant loop in my head—Am I annoying? I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years, and I swear, sometimes it feels like he’s just tired of me. Not in a dramatic, we-need-to-divorce way, but in a way that makes me feel like I talk too much, like I repeat myself, like I ask too many little questions or bring up too many unimportant things. I’ll be telling him about my day, something small that happened, and I see it—that slight change in his face, the way his eyes shift away, the little sigh, like he’s waiting for me to finish. And I feel stupid. I feel like I should just shut up, like maybe whatever I was saying wasn’t worth saying in the first place. And I don’t think he even realizes he does it, which somehow makes it worse. Because if he noticed, maybe he’d at least pretend better. Maybe he’d reassure me, tell me I’m not annoying, that he still wants to hear what I have to say. But he doesn’t. He just listens—barely—and moves on, like I was just background noise. And I try not to let it get to me, but it does.

It’s not just him, either. I notice it everywhere now. With friends, with coworkers, even with strangers sometimes. I’ll say something and immediately second-guess myself. Did I talk too long? Did they actually care, or were they just being polite? Am I making people uncomfortable by taking up too much space? It’s like I’ve developed this sixth sense for when someone loses interest, and the moment I feel it, I just want to shrink, to disappear, to take back whatever I just said and pretend I never opened my mouth. And I hate that. I hate that I’ve started filtering myself so much, cutting my own stories short, apologizing for talking too much when no one even said I was. But maybe they thought it. Maybe I could see it in their face, hear it in the way they respond with those short little "mhmm"s or "yeah, totally"s, like they’re just waiting for their turn to talk, or worse, waiting for the conversation to be over. And then I start overthinking everything. Maybe this is why I don’t have as many close friendships as I used to. Maybe this is why people drift away. Maybe I’ve been exhausting to be around this whole time, and I just never noticed before.

I don’t know how to fix it. Or if it even needs fixing. Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe I’ve just become so insecure about my place in people’s lives that I think I’m annoying when I’m really not. But what if I am? What if I’ve spent years talking too much, over-explaining, repeating myself, not realizing that everyone was just putting up with me? The idea of that makes me want to stop talking altogether. To just keep everything inside, because at least then I wouldn’t have to see that look on people’s faces ever again. But then what? I go silent, I stop sharing, and then one day, I realize no one even notices? That scares me just as much. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m annoying, if I should change, or if I just need to stop caring so much. But I do care. And I don’t know how to turn that off.

i don’t even kno when it got this bad. maybe it was always like this, and i just never really noticed. or maybe it happned so slow that i didn’t even see it comin, like a room gettin darker when the sun sets—you don’t realize how bad it is until ur just sittin there, completely in the dark. but here i am, and the truth is i have no one to talk to. no family, no friends, no one who actually cares whts goin on in my head. i wake up, go to work, do wht i have to do, come home, and thats it. days blend together, weeks go by, and i cant even remember the last time someone asked me how i was doin and actually ment it. at work, it’s just small talk, the same fake smiles, the same empty convos about the weather, weekend plans i dont have, and tv shows i pretend to watch just to have somthing to say. and honestly? i don’t even think they’d notice if i stopped showin up. they’d just replace me, move on, forget i was ever there. that’s the worst part—knowing that i could disappear, and it wouldn’t change a damn thing.

i keep tellin myself to fix it, to reach out, to try harder, but it’s exausting. every time i even think about talkin to someone, my brain convinces me it’s a bad idea. they dont really care. they’ll just think ur pathetic. what do u even have to say that matters? and so, i say nuthing. i sit in silence, drownin in my own thoughts, lettin them eat me alive bc, really, what else am i supposed to do? and the crazy part is, i see people every day. i work around them, i pass them in the street, i hear them laughing in restaurants, talkin on the phone, making plans, livin life. but it’s like i’m on the outside of it all, watchin through glass, completely invisible. i wanna say something, to matter to someone, but i wouldnt even kno where to start. nd after a while, u just stop trying. u stop hoping. u stop expectin anyone to care. and maybe that’s the real problem—not that i have no one to talk to, but that i’ve stopped belivin that will ever change. maybe i already gave up. maybe i never had a chance.

I'm about to choke. It's 4:20 am right now. I'm doing homework for tomorrow and some assigments i had to turn in ages ago. I'm trying to take my mind off things because i swear i'm so close to throwing up. I'm too scared to sleep. I'm so scared of what tomorrow will be like. There are so many tests coming up all at once, and my grades are only getting worse. I'm ruining everything i've worked for and now i feel like a failure. Two years ago i was actually doing well. i though things were getting better, that i was making progress but i ruined everything. I'm trying to be better. More productive, more polite, more present, more responsible, smarter, nicer, Better. But i can't. I keep on failing. I keep on messing up. And i'm so tired. I'm always so tired recently. It's so hard to do anything. Even things i used to love doing now feel like a chore. I'm stuck. I feel like a i'm falling behind while everyone else Is moving foward and i don't know what to do.

i swear i dont even kno whats wrong wth me anymore. i just cant stop. like it dont even make sense?? one second im fine, just sittin there, and then boom, tears. no reason, no warning, just happns. nd then i try to stop but it makes it worse. my chest feels tight, my throat hurts, my eyes all blurry, and i just sit there like an idiot wth my face all wet like a dam broke inside me or somthing. i try wipin them away but they just keep comming. i hate it, i hate it so much. like wtf am i even crying for? i dont even kno anymore. everything? nothing? both? its like my brain just gave up tryna hold it all in and now its like “ok time to cry FOREVER i guess.”

i keep tellin myself “stop, stop, stop” but it dont work. even when im out, like in public, it still happens. i be in class, tryna focus, then my eyes start burnin and im like not now, pls but nope, the stupid tears dont care. nd then i gotta pretend im rubbin my face or lookin down at my phone so no one notices, but i know they do. people glance at me but no one says nuthin, which makes it worse bc like… do they not care or do they just not wanna deal wth me?? probly both. nd then i get home thinkin maybe ill feel better but nah, soon as im alone it starts again. like wtf body can u just chill?? i get it, life sucks, but can we NOT be a leaky faucet 24/7??

nothin even helps. music? just makes me cry harder. tv? reminds me of stuff. sleeping? HA, as if. my mind dont shut up even when i close my eyes. i lay there all tired but my head keep spinnin, thinkin bout every dumb thing, every mistake, every stupid moment. nd then i get mad at myself, like why am i even like this? but then i start crying AGAIN bc i feel bad for myself which is so dumb. i dont even kno if its stress, sadness, anger, or just my brain bein broken. maybe all of it at once.

i just want it to stop. i want a break from feelin like this, from bein this. but i dont kno how. i keep thinkin maybe tomrrow will be better, maybe i just need to sleep, maybe i just need time. but then another day comes and it’s the same. nd i start thinkin, wht if this is just how it is now? wht if i never stop? bc honestly, right now? i really feel like i never will.

I am a 7th grader that is a girl and my family is not a good one my sibling can't really do anything without getting yelled at from my mom she hates when something goes good for me she is the judgist mom ever she made me cry jst from body shaming me and saying I was a slut for getting my first boyfriend when I was like 10 so she is not a good person at all she had me at 19 my sister at 17 and my brother at 25 and my baby sister at 31 she is 32 now and for some reason she wants to destroy her life and our life also. I don't have that many friends since most of them moved away from me and some people don't really like my personality ig since they call me immature and ignoring so yeah so I don't really have ppl to talk to since I only have like 3 close friends that don't like me that much my sister shes 15 and sometimes I talk to her abt stuff but she also doesn't like me that much and mostly yells at me and I have more siblings but one lives in Florida and the other two live wit my dad i don't really see my dad a lot but anyway lets just get into the story.So at my school we have halloween festivals every year and this year i wanted to match with my friend that goes to a diff school and the festival is on the friday b4 halloween and my mom she says she will take me somewhere but never does so she said she was gonna take me to get my costume but she didn't and like 2 days b4 the festival she said she was gonna grab the stuff for my costume (my costume was gonna be a cat) and i said ok and she normally looks pissed off so i didn't mind her it was 2 days after and she still haven't came back so i asked my stepdad and he didn't know where she was to and his car was messes up so we had to take his friends car and i had to leave quick but my sister could stay or wtv and i was kinda mad she had to stay but my step dad drove me home and said i had to watch my baby sister like why did i have to do it i hate that even when my mom was there i always still had to watch the baby and do chores everyday and not get paid or anything so i can't complain or I get grounded but a few days later and I have to stay wit my grandma I call her nana not nanna no that's sound disgusting to me idk why but anyway I had to stay at her house and i come to find out she spent 2,000 of my stepdads money without him knowing and idk who cheated on who but I'm pretty sure it was my mom but she is saying it was him when he was wit me and my siblings the whole time but so now I'm bouncing to my stepdads house to my nanas and it's December 21 2024 so I go to my real dads house !! and my favs cousin is there but my dad's other family is very problematic so me my sister's and my cousin are sleeping and we hear some yelling and we wake up it's 5 am in the morning we look out the door it's my drunk stepmom attacking my aunt so my sister calls my nana and we get picked up my my grampa.its not gonna be a good year if that's the start of it ig.but he gets us some donuts or wtv and I hated how my sister treated me like a baby when we was at my dad's house like I ain't no fucking baby like I can handle myslef I don't need you to protect me like they ain't gonna do shjt to me but wtv anyway we go home and right to sleep btw we moved to our grandparents house so if we say home we gonna call house one my grandparents house and house two my stepdads house and we STILL havent heard from my mom.fast forward like two months it's march now!! So I fully moved in wit my grandparents and I moved schools so yh but tonight my mom came over when I don't want her here and also she came over before and I kinda had a mental breakdown and my mom was screaming at me when I was having it and I was telling her I do not want to talk to her but anyway lets talk abt tonight so she fanr over and I was in my room and she was calling me or wtv and I did not want to talk to her I don't even want her in my life bc if u wanna be my mom I alr gave u many chances and she failed me on all of them so I'm not gonna let you be my mom anymore IDC if you want me to talk too you I'm not letting it happen but anyway she came in my room and I was watchig yt and she said I was calling you and I said ik I said what multiple times and she said I don't give a damn if I call you that means come here and I said I don't wanna talk to her and she went all in my face and cussdd me out when she was in the wrong and the thing is I said it in a very polite tone is crazy but she got out my room and I closed my door or wtvand I was waiting for her to leave but im srry it's a long vent I have more but not rn so bye yall

I'm about to choke. It's 4:20 am right now. I'm doing homework for tomorrow and some assigments i had to turn in ages ago. I'm trying to take my mind off things because i swear i'm so close to throwing up. I'm too scared to sleep. I'm so scared of what tomorrow will be like. Sometimes i wish It could be night forever. It's funny beacuse i used to find It scary. Sometimes i still do. But honestly I think i find It better to bask in the dark and not be able to see an inch from my nose, than to stay out during the day where i can perfectly see all the ways i messed up. Where i, and everybody else can see how much i failed and dissapointed myself and those around me who wanted me to be better than this. I wanted to be better than this. I still do. I'm trying to be better. More productive, more polite, more present, more responsible, smarter, nicer, Better. But i can't. I keep on failing. I keep on messing up. And i'm so tired. I'm always so tired recently. It doesn't matter what i try, or how much progress i make, i end up messing everything up. And It's exhausting. I've been this tired for ages now. Everything feels so hard, everything Is so tiring. I feel like a burden to those around me. I'm becoming everything they hoped i wouldn't. And i'm wasting all that they did for me. All because i can't pull myself together. And i don't understand. Why? Everybody else does It. Why can't i? What am i doing wrong? Why can't i be better than this? I want to be better. And i'm trying. But It all keeps going down the drain.

Look I don’t or didn’t know what to put as the topic. However; day by day, hour by hour, year by year, month by month I’m less ok. If your anything like me it’s hard to tell someone or even talk to a trusted adult about what your going through. I may not know you but welcome to whatever this fuckin thing is… life is mysterious yet hurts because you never know what will happen. My parents want what’s best for me yet I don’t know what’s best for me, I don’t have a path. I don’t have a journey to follow, I’m going with the flow going day by day not knowing where I’ll end up or how I’ll feel by the end of the day. I mean fuck, I skipped work and got so drunk I just needed to feel something, I needed to feel like I could feel things again. Yet it didn’t matter it didn’t help, getting drunk or high won’t help.. sadly… I’m terrible with talking to people I’m awkward I’m socially awkward I’m anxious and scared and anything possible. I know I need to find what I’m good at but it’s like everyone around me isn’t rooting for me, but is pushing me to do things I can’t do or I don’t want to do. Don’t let that happen to you. Because you need to follow your heart, your head, and follow your own path not one someone forges for you, not one someone is forcing you to do. Follow whatever you want to do. Never feel pressured to do anything, take your time and soon enough you will end up ok. Maybe not today, or tomorrow or a week from now fuck maybe not even a year from now but we were all brought onto this earth to do smth we just need to find out what.

So I gave birth to a child, when he was inside of me I didn't like him, hell I wanted to kill myself just to destroy him, I didn't get pregnant by choice, I couldn't get a abortion because of the law, my whole pregnancy just fucked with my mental and physical health but then when I saw him for the first time and holded him I just couldn't help but love this little treasure, but sadly after 2 weeks of pure happiness of me holding, nursing, talking and sleeping with him I got a lot of pus filled bump all over my forehead, since the doctor doesn't know what is it, he forbade me from nursing and holding MY CHILD, my treasure so know it's my mother and siblings who takes care of him, i'm jealous, I also want to hold him but I can't, I know that they are just trying to help but I can't help it, i'm jealous of them

I feel like shit. I just took my first exam of this semester and I don't feel like I did well. For some background I am currently in the highest level accounting course in my school and opted to take a 7 week course while also working full time. The class started 10 days ago and I ended up getting a 76% on this exam. I am beating myself up and berating myself because I feel like I should have done better and I want some chocolate or something to bring my mood up but I feel like I can't let myself try to feel better because I'm subconsciously telling myself that it's okay to get Cs on exams. And I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I work 40 hours a week and accounting courses can be hard and 10 days isn't a lot of time to learn a bunch of material. But this isn't a STEM major (I'm an accounting major) and I didn't use my time well. I should have reviewed more of the material and gone over the reading more before taking the exam. I just can't justify letting myself be comforted about my performance on this exam. I don't know what to do. I can't just give up, this is my last accounting course. How do I move past this feeling?