Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 9

not a specific story but hear me and share some troughts.

I'm an only child, and a girl but I was still aware of the preference of boys over girls in my culture from a very Young age. So I sometimes ask myself if my mother would love me more if I was a boy. She's no pick me,

She did love me her only daughter, and made me aware of man's disturbing side in reality, but over the years something was missing in our relationship. It's like she saw herself in me, which is very common in a mother-daughter relationship, except it wasn't a positive factor for her and she became aggressive with me as soon as I turned teenager, she accused me of bizarre things (like demanding to check my virginity at 14, and trust me I wasn't that kind of a kid). It's very sad to think that she wouldn't have been like that if I was a boy.

Now I live alone and haven't seen my mom for 1 year, everyone keep asking why I don't take care of her mental health (would they demand this if I was a boy?) , she also defeated cancer which I'm proud of her and I think that's one of the reason her mental health decreased

so world is not black and white but it sure is unfair somehow.

I want to know other people's experiences with this similar dynamic.

so um... for a while I went through this phase where I would take those mental health quizzes for like hours and like google stuff about it for hours(the reason why is for another rant) but I remember I felt like I wasn't sure if I was exageratting or underexagerating my answers, and then I got to this quiz about BPD (borderline personality disorder) and it all sorta fit? if you don't know what it is you can Google btw I never heard of it before my obsessive researching😭.specifically "silent Bpd". ik online quizzes and stuff like that isn't a good idea and not a good diagnosis, and its also pretty rare so I may be don't but it just fits so perfectly. like I'm gonna copy paste some symptoms from Google just bc why not ig? Key characteristics include emotional suppression, self-harm or suicidal ideation, self-blame, and a sense of emptiness, sabotaging friendships, fear of abandonment, and unstable self image, all of which are hidden from others. I'm not suicidal today, but 11 days ago I was LITTERALLY planning my death... when I was severely depressed(lasted for maybe two years was suicdal that time too only two suffocation attemps) I did like tiny sh?? I don't wanna sound like dramattic or overexageratting because I never made myself bleed, but I would push my nails deep into my skin till it broke a little and I would scratch myself as well, and in like a twisted way I was proud of myself for it bc I am super scared and avoidant of pain with a low pain tolrance. the main cause of my big depressive stage was me repressing my emotions and feelings while I was in a super toxic relationship with my friends(I wrote another vent about that either "Self Sabatoge" or "My friend has the emotional intelligence of a thermostat") and that was rlly bad bc the feelings had to come out one time or another and bc I held them in so long I'm still dealing with leftover emotions from that time which makes it super hard to move on. I constantly feel like my friends are better then me and get scared that they don't like me or think im annoying or dont acc care Abt me which acc makes my relationships worse, because I've gotten super defensive about being too nice to people bc last time I was taken advantage of, so instead of acting insecure around my friends I withdraw myself and say I dont care or stuff doesn't bother me (bc I also got made fun of for being sensitive and it just made me more sensative). I acc wonder if I'm still suppressing feelings, just less of them bc I keep like getting upset at my friends for things that shouldn't rlly make me upset? I acc wonder if its not them being insensitive like I thought in "my friend has social intelligence of thermostat" and I just don't think I deserve them or I should just stop bothering them. I am 100% sure tho that I have self image problems.. I don't think its normal to have how I think I look affect my entire mindset or mood for the day, and have how I think I look vary so much. one day I'm confident with no makeup the next a full face and I still look like a rat trying to catfish. I sometimes tell myself I'm ugly and imagin myself super ugly to keep my hopes down so when I next look in the mirror I'm not as ugly as I thought I was. I wish I could just think I was pretty and stay thinking I was pretty instead of thinking I'm pretty and then seeing how ugly I am. I'm not hiding my emotions as much as I used to bc I got tired of babying everyone and pretending it was ok for them to do whatever they wanted and not think before there spoke, but anyways, do you think I do?? maybe I need an outside eye to say weather or not I do.. I honestly don't even know what I want for this, but if it's good to get each part of what's stuck inside me out, and this is something I have been wondering for a while. anyways, thanks for getting this far! could you maybe tell me what you think Abt this?

so my caregiver keeps telling me to kms and that she wishes I was never born, controlling where I can and can't go, controlling what I wear, eat, and drink and alot of other stuff, I dont know what to call it, like at this point I have all the councilling that one can habe and CPS isnt even listening they just believe everything my caregiver says. idk what it would be if everything like that is going on I mean I think its some sort of mental abuse but idk.

I currently work for a job and there a lot of issues and red flags. Well so I am traveling and will be gone for a whole month so my job told me I will be terminated which is fine because I am looking for a part time seasonal jobs and I got this job. I have tons of issues with this job. So obviously its a fast food joint and so much is happening and shedding light about foods in America but I want to vent about the job i am in. So the jobs is cutting hours so most people are getting 15-20 hours and while others like 2-3 get like 35 hours which makes me mad because this team is a dead end because in this job you have to be fast and efficient but these people working are not efficient and they can't even communicate with each other and again I am helping out and what not but this job might be close down due to whatever but still it just ridiculous and on top of that we have a worker who complain about her hours and how she keep bothering every manager for more hours and it make me mad because she has a good customer services experience but she should not be complaining about hours when 6 or 7 people have 15-20hrs so that piss me off and on top of that she doesn't even stay late so try to leave and honestly this team is not structure well. Everyone does whatever they want and it okay to do it because the company has turn into corporate greed but at least have structure. I am only till the end of October but I personally think everyone need to get their shit together. Another thing is they don't care if employees are late they will group chat this say on my way. I am glad I have job but I am disappointed that its mess and I think for this job maybe everyone need to get military train lifestyle. This has been on my mind and I want to vent it out and destress because I do have to deal with them for the next 2 weeks but again they as all whole are not great.

Should I remain friends with someone that I used to have feelings for?

I don't feel anything for this person now but sometimes I don't know....

But on the other hand, I don't want to lose this person because it means so much to me. It's one of my favourite friends.

I'm feeling a little bit confused.

To preface, I'm a woman in my early twenties still living in my parents house with no job at the moment. To be precise, I'm living with my mom and stepdad. There's this thing going on since my teenage years where I have to sleep next to my mom, either in her room or in mine, so that she can avoid having to hear my stepdad snoring and to avoid having either of them sleeping on the couch.

My stepdad recently had a motorcycle accident, so he was sleeping in my mom's room while I was sleeping next to my mom in my room. Prior to that, it was the opposite. He's now mostly recovered from it, and he told us a few days ago that, from Monday onward, he would go back to sleeping in my room, and I immediately said no (because I finally got to go back to sleeping in my room, even though I would've preferred to sleep on my own in my room, but I digress) and he added that it's for her comfort. Tonight, he even said something like "I'm warning you, I'm not letting this go on throughout the entire winter".

Am I selfish for wanting my room for myself ? Also, am I weird for being uncomfortable with the thought of my stepdad sleeping in my room again ? On one hand, I understand the need for my mom to have a comfortable bed to sleep in, since her job takes a physical toll on her, my stepdad is getting old ( these two are like, 30 ish years apart ) and we're living in a two bedroom apartment, so it can't be helped, and I don't really want to be a bitch about it. On the other hand, I miss having my space for myself and not having to go to the other room to not disturb my mom because she goes to sleep earlier than me. Also, I'm really not in the best of terms with my stepdad because he makes me a bit uncomfortable and I don't really want him in my proximity, but that's a conversation for another time.

Please tell me your opinions, I'm kinda lost ^^'

Sorry wrong categorized, couldnt find one best fitting for, im stuck in life and shits getting worse

So im 18 and no work experience, just some grades, not muscle mass or anything same as other kids, im behind in life, i wont say so much about my circumstances not being best cuz life doesnt give a fuck about circumstances, i want to leave my country but still i not calculated where and how, its getting more opressive too and im not sure how late is too late to success, despite being well behind im tired with life already, not sure what to do with myself next at all, villan arc, suicide, continue and be sold false hope and take all these hits for nothing, idk, the world is just getting worse for normal people with no hope of changing to be better, rather not waste my time with continue against all odds

Your rose is surrounded by the thorns of your strength, I know as much. Yet I hold it in my hand delicately in fear that those petals fall out in the breeze of my passion and regret

I can't help but ask why I keep holding it. Why do I torture myself with the thorns going through my fingers when the rose won't even bloom in my direction? My frustration grows. I hate it. I hate myself. From all the other flowers in the garden, why is it that this rose captures my attention? Why am I always drawn to its scent? I'm not certain the scent is meant for someone else, if any at all, but no doubt it's not meant for me. So why does it call for me? And why do I answer?

I'm only ever growing more sick of that scent. Or maybe it's the image of the delirium that came with the memories of you that urges my stomach to vomit my insides out. The elegance, the style, the dress, the smiles, the soft warm looks you used to give me - I hate them all. I wish I could hate them all. Maybe then I could let go. But no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, the world never looked good in black and white

I'm only ever growing more sick of that scent. Or maybe it's the image of the delirium that came with the memories of you that urges my stomach to vomit my insides out. The elegance, the style, the dress, the smiles, the soft warm looks you used to give me - I hate them all. I wish I could hate them all. Maybe then I could let go. But no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, the world never looked good in black and white

My heart still sinks at the sight of you. And the body rushes in the anticipation of talking to you again. The worst part is that I was fully aware, of my attraction, from beginning to end, but knowledge alone can't help what happens beyond it.

It's painful. Seeing you walk past. Never sure if you hate me for something I've done or for the times I walked past you with no reaction like you weren't there. Perhaps I deserve it. And yet I didn't know what else to do. No matter how painful seeing you is, it never compares to the days when you're not around.

This is just a vent (tw mentions of sui**de)

I messed up last night. This whole week I've been going through a depressive episode and felt sui***al and I guess yesterday was my breaking point. I rushed to my room cause I wanted to be alone. My dad tried to talk to me and I started to cry so I turned my back cause I didn't want him to see my face, and he called me disrespectful. He told me to never cry cause its a sign of vulnerability and weakness but I can't help it. I rushed to the bathroom crying and locked the door cause I just wanted to be alone for a while, but he kept banging the door and yelling at me to get out. To sum it up, he tried to break the door down, and broke the glass near the door to enter, he yelled at me, I yelled back about how I've felt this way ofr 3 years and wanted to end my life (I just acted on my emotions without think and I regret it) I was called disrespectful, selfish and childish, and other kids have it worse than me (I already know that, which is why I feel even worse for feeling this way) my mom and sister tried to restrain me when I wanted to leave, leaving my arms sore (I literally just wanted to go to my room!!) What hurt the most is that I made them cry, even my dad had tear and I've never seen him shed a tear.

I'm not sui**dal right now and my emotions are in control, but I still feel alot like sh*t. My dad hasn't said a word to me and I'm to scared and ashamed to even look at him. My birthday is literally tomorrow and I've messed everything up. I hate it so much.

Basically, when I was 13-17, I did alot of terrible things online such as essentially repeatedly bullying others in an attempt of "trolling", making terrible jokes against groups of people (even if most were in private places where everyone knew it was a joke) and also mentioning NSFW topics or making NSFW jokes in groups with some younger people in it, even if again, everyone there knew it was either a joke or not directed at them, and they weren't uncomfortable with it or anything. When I was 17, I kept feeling worse and worse about myself and eventually tried killing myself. I failed with that and only ended up in the hospital. Now I'm 18, I fully apologized for everything, got therapy, and even got along with some of the people I used to bully back then and even managed to do some small things to make up for what I did for a few. However, I still feel terrible that people will keep beating on me for my past and that I won't be accepted in alot of places or communities for it and it makes me wish I died so I wouldn't have to deal with my life anymore as I have a feeling I messed up my life and will eternally have my past mistakes sticking on me. This got especially bad when I read about some other people, mostly youtubers, who did what I also think was obvious jokes during an edgy phase they had and later even got therapy and fully apologized for all of it, but people still made fun of their past and it makes me afraid that the same would happen to me if I would manage to build up my popularity more. Joining one of these groups of people on youtube that make videos and stuff together was always one of my biggest dreams and now I feel like I permanently messed it up because of what I did when I was 13-17 with how unforgiving the majority of the internet is about past mistakes, even after you got help.

So umm.. I don’t really know how to put this. My dad’s been staring at my chest more often… and it’s really gross. He’s always been a “creep” and often watches vulgar stuff.. but before your wondering how old I am and all that I’ll tell you. I’m 13 and I matured pretty quickly? I look around a high school freshman? Like I’m 5’7 and I have yk.. boobs. Like it just feels weird saying this

So sometimes I walk around the house without a bra bc they hurt yk?? And my mom does the same. I mean I think it’s normal??? But anyway, my dad has a problem with staring for too long at people?? So I’ll be minding my business and he’ll just STARE. Like full blown stare with no thoughts, even if you stare back at him he won’t do anything??

So he’s been staring lower.. and I’d say I’ve been hitting puberty more.. so yk what happens. And idk it just feels so disgusting. Like the type of way I’d want to rip my skin off? I love myself but when he stares it makes me feel like a ball of sludge?

Idk what the point of this was but I just wanted to get this off my chest

So I saw this guy a few months ago at school since we have the same club. I'm a transferee that came from an all-boys school and we're both in our second year of high school right now. I had to ask one of my close girl besties (calling this specific one AN) to help me find out what he likes so that I could hopefully ask him out, and she did find out he was gay. I got to know what he likes to eat, where he lived, how good were his grades in his classes, those kind of sorts.

Then just 2 weeks ago I planned to ask him out, and AN helped me get everything I needed just so I could hear him say 'yes'.

But when I confessed to him (calling him AR), he said he already knew and was still thinking about it. Because someone leaked my plans to him (this wasn't AN who leaked, I checked it already). I said I'd respect his decision even when he said no and until I received an answer from him directly, I'd keep my distance. And I did. Fast forward next week, and he said he didn't think we would work out.

So I continued to keep my distance from him. Then just yesterday. AN said AR asked her out.

She said yes, and said AR was straight now.

I don't know why he said no to me, not even giving it more than a week, then moving on to someone else. I still made sure to keep my distance from him (which means keeping my distance from AN as well), but I just don't think it's normal for people to take that short to move on. I just don't think it's fair that AN got to have the boyfriend that I couldn't get. Because I'm new to him. But AN and AR had a year to get to know each other.

I had a crush on this one guy back at my old school (calling him BA, yes it's the same person as the one in the story I had made a few months ago), and I don't know which is worse: having a crush on a guy for 2 years without saying it out loud to him, or finally asking someone out only for them to say no.

So it got me thinking.

Why does it still not matter?

Even when I try and put effort, or when I just love them silently,

they all find someone new. And that someone just ain't me.

When will I get to experience the joy of having someone else to love?

Because I left my family a long ass time ago.

They still can't love me.

I can deal with that.

But whenever I find someone new?

I wish we can just be together right then and there.

TW : Talk of Overdosing, Self Harm, SA, and Family Violance.

so im 14 and my live with my aunt, ive been struggling with my mental health since I was five and since then ive been told to kms by my older sister and people around school starting all the way back at primary school, when I was around 6 or 7 I had hurt myself for the very first time and some people say thats impossible for a 6 year old to know what that is or how to do anything to hurt myself purposly but if you grew up in my house you would understand. I grew up with a lot of family violence from my step dad and my mum, and my dad was out of the picture since I was 3 and obviously as a 3 year old I thought it was my fault and my mum had told me it was my fault. then when I was maybe 7 or 8 my mum met her best friend at the times boyfriend and he started SAing me and I thought rhat was normal but it got too much so at the age of 9 I made the decision that no 9 year old should ever make, I made the decision to try take my life repeatedly since this first time. picking up SH habits of cutting, but the only reason I am sharing this is because no one seems to be listening to how I feel, to this day I am still struggling with my mental health and my aunty or mum or dad do not gaf and I need someone that would listen.

I dont even know how to start this one. uh, should I start with some context before diving in? i've been sa'd. like three times now, by two different people, and you'd think the years seperating them would make it go away quicker. but nope. still living in my head rent free. so it makes talking about shit like that awkward as fuck. or just being touched in any way, like grabbed on the arm, or pushed or anything. very uncomfortable? anyway. I was sitting in p.e and we had to do sex Ed. and they made it a bit odd. they brought all the classes in my year together for it, and yeah. so when they started showing images and talking about shit I just started drawing on paper, ignoring it. or trying to. and my friend who is asexual just found the whole thing amusingly uncomfortable I guess. when it was done Lauren from one of my other posts was like getting angry at us, saying that she was interested in learning about stuff and it wasnt fair neither of her friends wanted to learn this stuff, even though she knew both our reasons.

why do I feel the urge to make someone happy, even someone who is not affectionate towards me, someone who never apologizes, someone who never seems interested in me, in what I do since they don´t ask about me but more about other people, even if I let hints (and even say directly) that I don't want to answer things about other people but just me, or just want to them know who I am. Maybe this grew more since I started watching people act more affectionate toward each other on some TV series or movies, like their interactions seem to be like that, they ask about you, they say nice things to each other even if they are angry, they seem to apologize if necessary, so maybe I am just comparing myself too much on those fake TV people??

Even if I tell them directly to be more affectionate and try not to insult me every day, I try to be better but they always stir something in me that makes me want to punch things. Why don't they change after my whole life trying to make them understand my thoughts? And why do I continue to seek their love? Nothing I ever do seems to be enough for them even if I do something that they told me to do, they still tell me more things to do, not even a thanks or nice words, maybe that person is afraid or doesn't really care about me, but they say they do "care" saying those things so I can "love myself" since they seem to think love words are not the path, they seem to think demmanding things for me is the right choice. It really makes me mad since I feel like they only call me these things (insults and complaints) to make me "reflect" on how ugly and disgusting I am.

I thought it also has to be connected to myself being someone not individualistic, I always seek for people. I don't like being alone, and I don't start things by myself. I know I need to change and not rely on people but I just can't, I'm so afraid of doing so.