Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 9

Trigger Warning: this post has the topic suicide in it.

im in love with this guy right? i think hes too cause hes like really nice to me and he jokes all the time that he likes me.

so a few weeks ago things got out of hand and i was super suicidal. i told him that i probably was going to kill myself soon. that was idiotic of me. he told the police and now i have to follow MORE therapy. which in turn makes me more suicidal. ironic i know. that thought me to not trust him with my thoughts anymore.

then his friend reached out to me. i told him the same stuff. he told him. ive talked to him multiple times about stuff in my life and everytime ekko (the guy i like) somehow knows about it. ive accused him of it multiple times. and multiple times he told me its true. last time (just now) he ignored it.

ive got no outlet anymore. i dont know if i even want to trust anyone anymore. it sucks you know. ive trusted way too many times and way too many times that trust has been broken.

and please dont try to feel sympathy for the whole suicidal thing. ive heard the blah blah "i get it" slop before way too many times. ive been trough 3 therapist now and im pretty sick of it.

thanks for reading. sorry if i seem like a dick right now. i have that sometimes

Sorry if I sounded too blunt or rude. Anyways, this is a bit of an extension, but I have some questions. Do you guys hate neurotypicals? Do you guys hate all weird sounds or touch or smells? If I say something rude to you on accident in the moment will you leave me and be forever angry? Do you take everything very personally? Is it okay for me to focus on your needs more than mine and always be what you want? Does your mental disability excuse what wrong things you do, because I feel that as a NT, I should tolerate such behaviors I find annoying or uncomfortable because in the end, I'm a dumb neurotypical next to a person who is from a group who's been heavily stigmatized and abused for years, so maybe me getting hurt is alright. Do you guys always hate NT people's interests? Should I mask myself for you because if autistic people mask it's not good but if neurotypicals mask it's okay because they're not mentally ill? Should I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and inflating myself from anxiety I may hurt you in horrible ways? Should I change myself so you can feel comfortable, because if you change it's bad because autistic folks masking is bad, but if I do it it's good? Do you guys hate physical touch? When you have a meltdown, do you guys want everyone out of the room, and during meltdowns do you have every right to say mean things to me? Trust me, at 13, sometimes I feel like a rude jerk, and maybe that's why I don't have friends. During meltdowns, can you guys hit or yell at me? During meltdowns can you throw objects around? During meltdowns, should I stay quiet and leave the room? And when we're together, should I always choose to stay quiet? Because I heard that selective mutism can help in these cases? I feel if an NT person gets hurt or bruised, it doesn't count as bad because we're not disabled, we're very much okay and healthy and maybe just stronger, but if it's you maybe it hurts a lot. Maybe this full question is dumb, like me.

I’m 41, my wife told me last year that she cheated on me, and I’m still mad as hell about it; it’s been eating at me every single day, and I can’t figure out how to get over it no matter what I do. She sat me down and confessed like it was some noble act of honesty, like I should clap for her bravery because she finally told the truth, but the timing was absolute bullshit—she kept it hidden for over a year, and I was living like a clueless idiot thinking our marriage was solid, meanwhile she carried this secret around like a loaded gun aimed right at me. Now every time I look at her, I see betrayal, every time she touches me, I feel disgust, and every time she says “I’m sorry” I want to scream in her face that sorry doesn’t cut it, not even close. People keep throwing advice at me: “Go to therapy,” “Work on forgiveness,” “If you love her, you’ll get through this.” Do you know how empty that sounds when you’re the one living with the images in your head, the constant mental slideshow of her with someone else? I’m supposed to be calm, rational, mature about it, but all I want to do is smash something every time I remember what she did. I don’t give a damn about psychology terms or self-help mantras, because none of that makes the rage stop, none of that makes me trust her again. I still love her, and I hate that I do, because it makes me feel weak and pathetic, like I’m tolerating something no man should tolerate. I’ve read quotes like “Forgiveness is for yourself, not for them,” but what does that even mean in practice? Forgiveness feels like saying it’s okay, and it’s not okay. Forgiveness feels like lowering my own value just to patch up something that should never have been broken in the first place. Maybe cheating is “a symptom of deeper issues” like people say, maybe she felt disconnected, maybe she was insecure, maybe she was bored, but I honestly don’t care what the excuses are—at the end of the day, she chose it, she decided I wasn’t enough, and that decision lives in my chest like a damn parasite feeding off me every single day. I can’t stop imagining it, I can’t stop asking myself questions I don’t even want the answers to: Did she enjoy it? Did she think about me while it was happening? Did she laugh at me behind my back? Sometimes I catch myself staring at her across the table, wondering how many more lies I don’t know about, wondering if she even respects me or if she just fears losing the comfortable life we’ve built. It makes me sick that she can sleep peacefully next to me while I lie awake at 3 a.m. replaying everything like some endless punishment reel in my brain. Friends tell me time heals, but right now time feels like torture, just dragging the wound open again and again, and I don’t feel closer to healed—I feel stuck, like I’m living in some half-life where nothing feels solid anymore. I look at other couples and wonder how many of them are hiding the same crap, how many smiles are just masks covering betrayal. Do you think it’s possible to ever really get over being cheated on, or do you just learn to live with the scar? Because honestly, I don’t know how to let this go without losing a part of myself, and I’m not sure if that’s worth it. Everyone says marriage takes work, but this isn’t “work,” this is demolition, and I’m being asked to rebuild on a foundation that’s already cracked and rotting. She swears she loves me, she swears it was a mistake, she swears she’ll never do it again—but how do you believe words from a mouth that already lied for so long? Sometimes I think leaving would be easier, just walk away, burn it down, start over, but then I think of the years together, the memories, the stupid little routines we built, and I feel paralyzed. I hate this limbo. I hate that she did this to me. And I hate that no matter what I decide, I’ll never be the same again 🤬

lately, I find myself crying way more than I should. it's not like there's a specific trigger all the time, but sometimes it just creeps up on me, you know? I'm 27, and it feels like everything is just off track. There's this expectation by now to have it somewhat figured out. Maybe not the entire map, but at least a decent compass. But here I am, lacking a stable relationship, which feels more pressing because I have this deep-seated desire to have kids. It's like a yearning that's there, no matter how hard I try to suppress it. The biological clock is a very real thing, or at least it feels like one. Is that a silly thing to worry about?

my family doesn't seem to get it. They've always had this traditional view of what "success" looks like, and somehow, I've never quite fit the mold. An engineer would have made them proud, but here I am, a woman with creative aspirations that seem to always land me in unstable jobs. Every time I start a job, my anxiety peaks, worrying about whether this one's a keeper or just another gig I'd be dropping soon. Sometimes, I feel like I'm letting them down, which adds another layer to this emotional rollercoaster I'm on. Do you ever feel trapped in other people's expectations?

it's terrifying watching the advancement of AI technologies. There's so much talk about AI reshaping industries, automating jobs, and streamlining processes. While it all sounds incredible, it leaves people like me worried about our place in the workforce. I've read articles about how AI might replace a lot of professional roles, and while this innovation sounds great theoretically, in reality, it feels like a looming shadow. I want a fulfilling office job, one where I feel challenged and valued, but what if AI makes me irrelevant? Is it just fear-mongering, or is this something others are worried about too?

i've also tried talking to friends about it, some empathize, and others give me the same old spiel – that I'm overthinking. There's this quote I've come across multiple times that says something about how crying is an emotional release from the soul. I wish understanding that made it easier to handle. But, honestly, sometimes these tears is more about frustration and uncertainty than any soulful release. Like even though I'm not physically in danger, my emotions are on high alert most times, and letting them out just becomes a way to cope. Is it normal to feel this way in your late twenties?

with everything being as it is, I sometimes wonder if crying is me just having my own coping mechanism, whether it's due to my unsettled expectations or anxiety about the future. It's just that crying doesn't always leave one feeling better; oftentimes, it just makes the sadness more profound once the tears have stopped. Sharing this feels like standing on a virtual street with a cardboard sign screaming for someone to understand. yet, there’s a comfort in anonymity and the hope that maybe someone will nod along, having felt the same weight at some point. Have you ever cried for reasons which seemed unexplainable once you tried to express them? 🤔

for everyone who has job not related to their college program, how did you do it?

I feel like I'm the floating friend yknow? Like in my friend everyone has their own best friend someone who just clicks with them but I feel like I don't have that someone that I confide in. I'm always the first person to chat in the group chat when I want to hang out, most of them only text me when they need help and I feel left out most of the time. I don't know if I'm being irrational or not. I don't think I can talk to them about it tho, I feel like it will cause conflict.

Ok so currently on my second yr of highschool and idk man 😭 like I kinda want to take a gap yr after graduation to just work but like everyone’s saying stuff about the job market, like just imagine how it may be 1-2yrs from now. And I barely have experience 💔 and with post secondary school, IDONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO THERE ICL. I was kinda thinking of freelance graphic designer (specifically like notes/book designs) but like whst if ai takes over, and rn my digital designs aren’t really good:( well I do remember seeing smt like if it’s like physical ai isn’t taking it but what r some physical jobs that aren’t male- dominated. Ok so again about post secondary like WHAT IS SAFE OUT THERE??? Honestly coporate jobs sound nice can someone get into it w/o a degree?? What other careers can u do w/o a degreeeee??

Soo from how u have lived. What do you think a 16 yr old should know? Or in the process of knowing?? Or like matured from??

[TW: Mentions of Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, Harassment and Politics.]

Hi. I'm an artist and aspiring author with a lot on my plate, so I'll cut to the chase; I'm angry, lost, frustrated, and I don't know what the hell do to with myself anymore.

I graduated high school right when Covid struck years ago, I never had a proper graduation and lost the chance to go on a class field trip to Paris. That was about the last time I saw most of my real life friends and former classmates until I moved further away in the state I live in. Since then, I've tried making a few connections online, and it went well for a good while, even allowing myself to earn a bit of a reputation as a former online creator who posted art and made videos.

After high school and my so-called "graduation", I took college courses online, since I had no other choice with Covid running rampant, and got a degree in graphic design. I had just entered my early 20s and I didn't know where to look in terms of a career at the time (I didn't even have experience with a part time job), and fear that I may have taken too long with AI taking over the world, art and writing jobs especially (should be noted that I absolutely despise AI by the way).

Around the same time, my grandmother had been living with my family and I, and due to internal turmoil involving herself and my father, she snapped one day and was packing her things to leave, suddenly threatening to abuse me and send me to prison (for no reason) right in front of my youngest sister as she was leaving. She had never reached out to apologize. but instead sent gifts and letters to both my father and youngest sister, which speaks volumes about how she feels.

Not too long ago, I since cut ties with a long-standing online friend group because of my own mistakes that I made years ago. Mistakes that I was never directly told about until the moment everything went wrong. For the longest time I was under the impression that our past mistakes (from both myself and my ex-friends) were water under the bridge since we were getting along so well at the time, only to find out they had been keeping the truth from me and allegedly pretended to stay friends with me for several months (their words directly as we were cutting ties) before we separated. To my own fault, I hadn't been on my best behavior around the time either.

I felt lost for a year, and even now I still do. I've since gone to therapy for a year, have done everything I could to help support my family, returned to college (in person, for the first time since Covid hit) to take classes towards an IT based degree and made new friends both online and on campus at college thanks to common interests.

But now, I feel lost and overwhelmed. This one's a doozy.

My college work, specifically the IT material I have to study, has become too much to handle at times.

The country I live in is practically in shambles and falling apart no thanks to the government or the controversial president that both of my parents had voted for, with seemingly no hope for a livable future in my current condition.

My therapist could no longer provide for me due to an error on their part with the therapy providing company, resulting in me debating on whether I want to move on with my mental health or completely start over from scratch with a new therapist who knows nothing about me.

My ex-friends (I heavily assume) kept a hold of my old phone number and address when we were close, and have been using both to continuously harass and remind me of my past mistakes even after blocking multiple phone numbers, going so far as to attempt to doxx my location and taunt me on the recently popular wplace website.

My parents got divorced, leaving me with even more responsibilities after nearly having our current home sold to find a new one for the remainder of our family.

My current workplace (which is fine in general) unnecessarily stresses me out from time to time despite being a form of escape from both home and schoolwork.

And AI is, unfortunately, continuing to grow for whatever reason, taking away even more job opportunities in the creative sphere that I could've found and applied for if I took the chance after getting my graphic design years ago.

All this to say, I'm tired, stressed out, low-key depressed and have contemplated either disappearing or killing myself numerous times. But I haven't.

Despite me voicing these similar concerns to my own mother, she always assures me that I'll be just fine, but I find that hard to believe. I don't know what my future holds for me, or if I'll even have a future at all. I still love drawing and writing, and am even working on a Lord of the Rings-style fantasy novel that I'm hoping to publish one day, but the continuous push for AI to be the norm (despite sometimes motivating me to do better in my own work) is simultaneously bringing me down with how much the slop it creates is being accepted compared to human works, art and writing alike.

My pursuit for a better paying career (since most art and writing jobs nowadays simply don't pay a livable wage for whatever reason) has been stressful, and trying to learn IT in college through strenuous book reading, extensive memorization and less-than stellar exam scores has only been pushing me away from the career path than motivate me. It's not what I wanted to do. Creating things with art and writing is what I want to do, and it's unfair that wanting to be creative in this way is an extremely difficult way to live in comparison.

Even though the thoughts of suicide linger every now and then, I never feel the urge to physically do anything about it. Despite everything, I still love my family and want to be around to help them in any way I can. I can barely imagine how they'd react if they found out I was gone in any way. I also want to continue making an impact on the world with my works, past mistakes aside, and create both art and literature that people can enjoy and possibly find inspiration from, knowing I didn't give up when everything was difficult in my own life.

Which leaves me in a sort of limbo, to be perfectly honest. I really don't know what to do with myself, or how I can pick myself up from feeling down about life all the time, and continue existing like everything's fine.

Any help or advice, while not required by any means, would be greatly appreciated. Even reading through this means a lot to me.

Um so basically my issue is that I just don't know what's wrong with me anymore. And every day that goes by, I feel more and more ready and sure that I don't want to be here anymore. And every single day I wake up and suicide is the only thing that I think of. It's the only thing in my mind. And I've thought of every possibility and every scenario. And the aftermath and the preparations. But I just, I can't bring myself to do it. Because I'm a coward. And I'm just scared of what would happen if I did actually succeed. And the truth is, I don't even know if I want to die. But I know that I would rather die instead of living this life that I don't want. And nobody knows about this. Not even my therapist or my closest friends. But I just wish they'd see the signs because I don't understand anymore. Because I always joke about it. I'm depressed. I've been depressed for the past few months. And I tried to open up to my mom about it and she thought it was a joke. And I'm too scared to tell my therapist because I don't want to get locked up in a mental institution. And I just don't know what to do anymore. Because tomorrow I just have to be back at school with a smile on my face. And nobody, nobody ever knows. And the first thing that I say when somebody asks if anything is up with me is say no, I'm okay. And this isn't like there's so many other things. How I've been starving myself because of my anxiety. I've lost all of my appetite. I do not eat anything at school for eight hours. Only gum and energy drinks. I've been smoking a lot. And then when I come home I barely eat any dinner. And then I just go to bed again. And I'm just so fat and ugly. I genuinely just can't even picture my future. I'm so pathetic and ugly and fat and worthless and literally such a burden to anybody. I'm a burden to even my own mom. So, I don't know, I just had to get this out. Hoping that maybe somebody would see this. Not because I hope somebody relates because I don't wish this upon anyone. So just know, if you relate to this, you matter.

like wdym I'm already wishing it was tomorrow so I can see him again like I mean yeah we talk online but its not the same like ykwim and now I just wish it was tomorrow so I can see him again

Do you ever feel like really, really sad when thinking about your childhood friends? Like as if they were actually gone forever? Like gone gone? Because yeah, they're still here, i Guess. But I miss when they were small and their biggest Flex was a well taken care of cat. I miss when i was always at their house and we would play with mud and try to cook instead of doing homework. I miss when were together so much that people thought we were related and they didn't look at me with disgust. It really hurts to look back now, when i told them i was worried we were growing apart and realizing i was right. It wasn't even a sudden thing either. I could feel and see that my friends were slowly leaving me. And i know It was inevitable but i miss when they were small and nice and friendly and openly kind. I miss my friends. And It hurts to know that i'll never have that kind of connections again.

so like there's this kid and theyre like my best friend right so they're telling me about someone they like and I really don't know how to feel cuz like I mean I'm not mad they like someone else, not really upset at all cuz good for them and all that, its just bittersweet if that makes sense

ts pmo

if you saw this no you literally didn't hashtag I'm brainwashing you

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

yeah

idk know how to like

say this

without making it like

obvious

who its about

anyway

so like

it took me until like five minutes ago to figure this out

but I mean knowing me I've prob just been like

avoiding my feelings

for this long

bc like

what if they don't feel the same

like why is this what I'm thinking of

when I should be like

doing my work

like

why are they 99% of what I think of now

help me I'm going insane

*sobs*

and then like

what do I do with

with these like

these feelings

I don't wanna like

upset anyone

what do I do

ALSO HEY YOU (you know who you are) UHHHHHH YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS NUH UH UM ITS UHH THIS IS ABOUT ONE OF MY THEATRE FRIENDS TOTALLY HEH UM yeah...

IK EEP FUMBLING WHEN TALKING GRHRHRHHHGHGH GHGHHHHHHHH TS PMO WE'RE LIKE COLLEAGUES OR COWORKERS AND PEERS AND FRIENDS AND SCHOOLMATES AND LIKE I CANT EVEN TALK TO BRO IM GONNA CRASH OUT