Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 8

Think about it, there's more benefits to it. You're less surprised by tragedy, you are alive because everyone are liars in your eyes, and when you get hurt, you already knew this was gonna happen.

Really? So far I've had no friends and my family hates that I'm negative. I'm not negative, I'm honest. They hate the fact when I tell them there's no hope in this planet, and that everything is pathetic, and how I won't even be rich and alive to see 20.

People already struggle in this era, so what else is next than to give up and be on the unemployment train? Or vouch for communism over capitalism? I even became negative and I'm happier that zone. It's my comfort zone.

The moment my friends moved on and had their own groups without me, I became the cynic, the dark, the grim. I soon realized at 13 to live in the world, you have to trust no one, not even your family or your home country.

You must hate everyone, and distrust everyone. You must live in fear and disgust of humans, because they try to force-swallow their nasty happy pills down my throat and "be positive".

My family doesn't love me, I'm just a resource, a toy given to them because they wanted to fill out a norm. Have a tall husband, short wife, and 2 kids, one girl and boy.

Benefits of being pessimistic (which even the adults on the room can’t see for some reason):

1) Has a lesser painful impact when being betrayed by something or someone because you low-key suspected the thing with you was a fake

2) Are actually more smarter some you are able to see the messy sides without being too surprised

3) Have enough permission to tell someone, “I told you so!”

4) Able to feel smart and actually be confident because you have enough evidence and gut feeling to prove your point that everything is hopeless

5) Able to understand the world is a mess because everything is too expensive, too less, people can be evil or bigoted, able to see and grasp the flaws of populist people (and people in general) more easily

6) Can rot and feel hopeless without feeling drained or physically affected because already predicted the (crappy) future, in fact can actually thrive in such mental states

7) Able to handle bleak honesty better (like being told “I don’t like you” or “You’re worthless and ugly”) because the pessimism tells you it’s true

8) Great personality trait to have because it meetings and in jobs you can be flat you “ruined” (correct word: told the truth) to your dumb, optimistic puppy employees

9) Can handle isolation and loneliness better (I lasted 7 years with no friends or contact to any classmates, and I’m 13!) because you know everyone, even the adults, around you are idiots to never understand

10) Can grasp the fact the adults are stupid and uncultured without crying because it was already predicted

I can do all that without feeling bad! I can fail and berate myself, and I'll be fine because I'm in my comfort zone. Isn't everyone happy in their zone?

I even felt embarrassed after I got excited because we went to a park we never went to and saw hoopoes, ring-neck parrots, mynas and it had some interesting empty restaurants and 2 colleges nearby, and then I petted a cat on a bench, until I started feeling more itchy, my eye swelled up red, and I realized the doctor was right when she said I have an allergy to dust and cat hair.

So see? I should've just sat, even though I liked walking, seeing the birds, the place itself, and having a nice bubble tea with my mom and brother. I should've argued with mom about my ideology that pessimism is the way to go, rather than let her read her book and me walk around.

That would've ended than us being peaceful and mom not yelling. That cat ruined it!

Sure it didn't bite or scratch me (I would've berated myself for rabies risk), it was oddly quiet and it was weirdly so comfortable to the point it sat on my lap and it didn't even try to attack me when I picked it and lightly threw it on the ground (it's a cat so it can land on its feet, and cat didn't even meow), and when I scratch and petted it, it seemed fine, it sat another time before I picked its belly and put it on the bench, and his eye also looked kinda swollen, until I started itching and my eye also got swollen, and mom in a kinda disappointed tone said, "Oh, why did you do that?"

Before we got bubble tea and I put the drink on my eye to cool it, then at home (after we picked my brother in the same park from his piano exam. You see, in one area there was an auditorium hub, and he did it there, we were just nearby) I put the ice pack on my rash, eye and mom put eye drops.

It's better now, but I shouldn't have done it! Still, I shouldn't have trusted my gut, and I should've never sat near that thing.

Hell, I should've argued with mom about my philosophy, instead of excitedly telling her about the hoopoes and ring-necks like an 8 y/o! I'm 13!

Isn't it just stupid I got excited over a dumb bird, and a bit confused why an Indian parrot was in UAE, and there was 6 of them near the college (it was Middlesex University in Dubai)?

I should've argued and be cynical, that's more grown up! I may have been happy while roaming around, but not everything happy is good!

And why was I even looking around the place and drinking that with my family? I should've asked for a coffee, like adults!

I'm not pretending it never happened, I'm admitting it did, and admitting how much of an avoidable situation it was!

It's a stupid stray cat, it's not like it's gonna cry if you leave it!

And I was even dumber for thinking it was a calm cat, it was, it didn't react much at all (I know it's not dead, his eye just looked weird, and I hope he was alright, showed no signs of sneezing, coughing or snot, his left eye was just swollen), even when I picked it up and put on the ground first, and then the chair, I shouldn't have trusted that fiend!

And why did my left eye also get swollen? Again, I was being stupid! People with allergies don't go anywhere near things they have reactions to, even if it's not anaphylactic!

Again, what allergic person goes near their allergies? Lord knows I was being stupid. I shouldn't have trusted it. It may have been gentle, maybe kinda old, but I shouldn't have even thought about going there.

This is one of the memories where being calmer and hopeful hurts you. This is the other chapter in my book of that.

Stupid cat fur. Can't even be a normal person.

But my benefits! Oh, don't tell me, "Be positive!" Again, it's happy pills institutions feed us to keep us controlled. That's like saying surgery is bad because people die from it. More people have lived!

If I apply the same with everyone, family, friends, teachers, strangers, I'll be alive. I won't be on the ground betrayed by a fraud.

More people have been hurt by surprises. So, the more I expect down, I can never be hurt. Better to never be hurt ever than get hurt once, right?

Come on, if I don't trust anyone, I'll be fine! It's how we work, right? People wall up all the time. Don't they?

I mean, army men don't trust EACH OTHER, so? I can wall up forever, or at least decades and be okay! It's how I managed without friends! Hermits did it! I can have that life!

Another thing, how does looking or doing things you like supposed to make you feel better when you failed at something?

Again, I didn't draw for months, and then during that time, I made mood boards and just sat at home doing nothing. Then, when I failed 2 of my exams, I turned to watch what I liked, created more boards, got back to making my doll, and eating, and wanting to go out to malls to cure my misery.

Yeah, useless. This is fleeting joy. This isn't the joy where you are happy for life. It still means I'm a failure to my family, even if my mom says I'm not a failure.

Exams will define my college selection, my grade promotion, and life! Says the woman who got 70/100, thinking she failed when she's top 5 scorers in school for getting 85-95!

Again, I always think she's lying. What's the catch? What's the hidden meaning behind, "We may argue but I won't leave you and stop loving you."

People leave when they have a big argument after many microaggressions, or maybe one big thing happened and they all hate each other! They fight and leave, it's the big thing that holed their relationship!

Movies show it, and they're praised as realistic, so explain this. My brain's a soldier in armor for knowing this and suspecting this.

Guess what? Okay, maybe my arguments are the micro-aggressions, until we have that BIG FIGHT, and she sends me elsewhere!

Don't tell me, mom, that you won't send me anywhere or deport me back no matter how angry you are, you will soon.

I have maturity in pessimism than my family, so at least I'm good at that and nothing else.

I'm smart. I'm confident because of it.

My mom spews trash when she says, "Don't talk about your miseries all the time or any bad thing all the time, we just did something good yesterday."

We may have binged a show we liked, had good food, went out to a new park we've never been to, and had bubble tea, but to keep myself not too happy, I have to remember the bad things.

Isn't it how we keep ourselves in check and not too...joyful?

Joy can make people do stupid things, and when you distrustful of everything, you'll have all the things trying to hurt you not hurt you.

Isn't numbness good?

And so what if it's a cage? Better than to fly in a forest where you could get eaten by an animal.

Flying's bad in that case. It's a cage that keeps me safe, with food, shelter, confidence, security, and my thoughts.

I'm fine here! In fact, I'm happier here than being positive. I'm happier here, it's how I've managed for years, I only got more emotional when I started listening to my heart.

It shouldn't be there! I should grow out of it. It may be screaming me to not be this "hard", but it's being stupid.

It's like a kid telling me not to watch TV today or I'll go blind today and need a walking stick.

See? I can be happy being alone when thinking negative, because how can anyone hurt me or leave me?

Bad things only teach you they're bad.

You break up with someone when you both couldn't control it, it was worthless.

If you studied and still failed an exam, it was worthless.

You had a friend who moved from you, that friend was worthless.

If this is "living", I reject living. I accept survival.

Seeing pain as bad, and emotions as bad, it's how I've coped for years now. I managed since I was 12, for some stuff, but it's increased now at 13.

I was okay until I listened once to my heart. That made me feel bad, and it made my mom be a "friend".

Who has their mom as a friend?!

I've been vulnerable to a teacher, and she took me too literally! She got me out of school for 3 days, when I felt perfectly fine to go!

And even I feel guilty, and now mom's all like, "You should now speak to me, because only I know you better than them."

Hag, you're my mom. Who has their moms as confidants!?

I'm supposed to have many friends at this age, not be alone with mom.

I can even fake with a few people to look cool! I'll figure it out!

Everybody else has friends. I don't. I'm 1 of the 2 kids in the class with no friend. There's only one girl, but if I spoke to her, it'll be awkward. She's very quiet, very soft-spoken.

If girls can fake boyfriends and then fall in love like in movies, I can do it with friends!

If I DARE get awkward, it's bad. Means I'm weak, shameful even.

I must fake it. I can forget it exists if the sky has smog in it. I'd rather breathe in my own breath than that in my cage.

Everything uncontrolled is bad! I'm allowed to be a hermit!

You may say hermits were missing human connection but they convinced themselves it was fine. Why can't I do that?

I'm a martyr for that. I'm a martyr for isolation.

So please, people here, what happened when you were pessimistic for a long while? I bet it benefited you more than gave you issues.

But be honest, tell everything...

my friend called me to tell me about something horrible that has happened to her and we just hang up but i’m just so devastated im actually so sick to my stomach I tried my best to listen to everything she had to say, and tried to make her feel better somehow but im just so upset for her im just so disgusted upset and I don’t know what to do im so mad im so angry. I actually feel sick. what’s irritating me the most is the fact that we’re not in the same city, I can’t just drop everything and hug her and be there for her.

this happened two years ago now, but I cannot look at her without sobbing. for some backstory, we were both teens when this happened, both females. we're gonna call her fay. well, fay had just gotten into a relationship and she loved her girlfriend. I was her best friend at the time, but fay wanted more, and she liked to remind me of this. she would always be all over me, touching me in ways that made me sooooooo uncomfortable. it got to a point I screamed in the middle of the mall in town that I'd call her girlfriend and she snatched my phone out of my hands and begged for me not to. well, she had forced me to shower with her and pulled my bathing suit top down. she also attempted to "get in my pants." WELL. fay started cheating on her girlfriend. and this happened many, many times. when I told said girlfriend, fay blamed an unaliving attempt on me because of her actions. I blocked her and had a panic attack nearly all night because I genuinely thought I had done something wrong. guess what? they're still together. now, fay is trying to be my friend again. she showed up to color guard auditions and I had to run away crying because she loves to take things I've loved: guard, instruments, names, clothing styles, music tastes, so on and so forth. what do I do? how do I keep distance, and how can I process everything? I don't know.

it's here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dJrEwxBgKSUqyO-Mp80RhViNspWw7xsGC36JhAGY93Q/edit?tab=t.0

In March of this year I had to take my two beloved cats to the humane society. I haven't recovered at all from the heavy grief of not having them or knowing what happened to them. Everyday I end up seeing cats that remind me of them on facebook and I just break down. I wish I knew that they were okay. I don't know how to cope with the losses and it's left heavily depressed and anxious. I miss them so much and I'm worried about their well-being. I'm devastated that I will never see them or know anything of them again.

anyone else who has problems with pain in their knees that nothing seems to help.

What do you do ?

As I've been struggling for yolears but lately my knee is getting worse and nothing seems to be helping not even the new dose of ibuprofen my doctor has proscribed me and she did say I could take it up to 3 times a day but I don't like taking it or any pills as I've burnt my stomach lining after take ibuprofen.

Any ops will be useful.

🌟

Lately a lot of people are getting sick or leaving their jobs. This is a problem for me because we don’t have enough people where I work and right now I’m the person who has to cover when someone’s away. It’s not fair. People are getting frustrated and they’re taking a lot of time off and the other people were working have to cover it. I don’t know what to do half the time. I’m just hoping they come back yet they don’t. I just wish we have more people to fill in. I don’t understand why they don’t wanna come to our job place. It’s just frustrating. I’m just praying that the person who is away today will come back tomorrow or there’s someone filling in because I don’t wanna do this every time because I have other stuff too at my job.

I was diagnosed with Alpha-Gal Syndrome and it's ruining my life.

Google:

Alpha-gal syndrome (AGS) is a delayed-type allergic reaction to a sugar molecule called alpha-galactose (alpha-gal). It is primarily caused by the bite of the lone star tick (Amblyomma americanum).

Basically, with AGS, I can't have any mammal meat, or the byproducts. With AGS, you can develop an allergy to dairy and gluten as well. I'm dairy reactive as of 3 months ago. I thought it would be okay but it's not.

From the start.

Before I was diagnosed I noticed I was breaking out in hives, and they got bad. At one point I had to drive myself to the ER but my legs were so swollen they felt numb, it was terrifying. I had no idea why that was happening. I was eventually referred to an ENT Specialist to get tested for allergies. It was the standard allergy test and I needed bloodwork. Two weeks after the tests, I got the unfortunate news, I could no longer enjoy my favorite foods. I was devastated, depressed even. I was constantly in tears, barely eating, slowly slipping into depression. It took 3 months for me to finally accept that I could no longer have any mammalian meat or byproducts. At that point, I wasn't reactive to dairy or gluten, so it wasn't the worst. I was getting sick of eating chicken for every meal. I tried to cut meat completely but that just made me sick, and extremely weak.

With the help of my amazing fiancé, I started to get better mentally. I finally took back my life, I started working out, eating healthy balanced meals, it was amazing, until it wasn't. A few months before my 1 year check up for AGS, I started to just constantly be in pain again. It wasn't hives, it was the most painful stomach aches, mostly in my lower abdomen. I was freaking out, I didn't know what to do or why it was happening. Cut to my one year check in, I tell the Doc what I was feeling and all of my symptoms, then she gives me even more bad news: no more dairy.

It's been two months since dairy got cut from my diet and I'm struggling so much. People around me, at work, in class, even my own family, all keep calling me dramatic and tell me to suck it up. I CAN NOT JUST GET OVER SOMETHING LIKE THIS!! I went my ENTIRE life with no allergies, never been allergic to ANYTHING until now. I'm losing so much weight that I can't keep up with. I can feel myself slipping slowly. I've been in so much pain since not being able to have dairy, it's like my body is rejecting this diet. I have another appointment coming up soon, and I just have this feeling that Doc is gonna cut gluten out of my diet too. If that gets cut, I'll literally starve. Everything now tastes bland, no matter how much I season it. I try new recipes, my fiancé tries recipes and I just want to puke after eating anything because of how bad it tastes. I can't stay positive over this anymore. I'm sad and I'm sick of people telling me to get over it because I can't.

(its a fictional language it's not meant to be understood and I don't want feedback. don't reply to this.)

Sín, menskine kenniii. Wērn f mar esferski lexunis overwhelmed ankestor mendun mar esferski menskine enich jealous, sín, menskine kenniii. Wērn n mar esferski enich boziini munix laefter okrúnté, e esferski lukuntämä ketaint, sín menskine kenniii. Makrëp lexunis ter pressure lofe kemá mei lexunisen estômen, sín menskine kenniii. Agutén, mon menskine enich, ankestor mendanki kexądt laefter kennalesek elivia menskine enich jealous

I can't upload this for some reason, so see it here https://gemsedu-my.sharepoint.com/:w:/r/personal/aadhya_r_nms_gemsed_com/_layouts/15/Doc.aspx?sourcedoc=%7BDA624444-EC0B-4156-B97C-4C237FF8957E%7D&file=I%27m%20tired.docx&action=default&mobileredirect=true&wdOrigin=WAC.WORD.HOME-BUTTON%2CAPPHOME-WEB.JUMPBACKIN&wdPreviousSession=d9968b4e-92fa-4b71-85f9-e68c7cb83679&wdPreviousSessionSrc=AppHomeWeb&ct=1762869632151

I keep asking myself why things go the way they do, and maybe you can tell me if you see something I don’t. I’m 19, I’m a guy, and every time I get a girlfriend she leaves me after a few days or maybe a couple weeks. It feels like a pattern I can’t break, but I’m trying to stay calm and hopeful about it. I’m not rude or anything like that. I’m polite, I respect women, I listen, and I try not to talk too much about myself. I’m not ugly but not beautiful either, just somewhere in the middle like many people. I’m not rich, not poor. My clothes look fine because my mom picks everything for me, and she actually has good taste even if I feel a bit embarassed about telling people that. The weird thing is I don’t fight with the girls I date. I don’t yell or get angry or act controlling. I try to show kindness. I try to be normal. Yet after a few days they start saying “I feel like something is missing” or “I don’t know what I want right now,” and then they just pull away. I don’t blame them, but it makes me wonder. Is something wrong with me? Or am I just in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong stage of life without noticing it?

Sometimes when I look back at each short relationship, I feel detached, like I’m watching a movie of someone else’s life. I try to be objective. What did I do wrong? Was I too polite? Too quiet? Too available? Maybe I answer messages too quickly. Maybe I say “yes” too often. Or maybe I don’t say enough interesting things. Maybe I’m boring. I don’t know. It’s strange because I like peaceful moments. I like sitting next to someone without forcing words. But I guess a lot of girls my age want excitement or drama or something that keeps the energy high. One girl even told me, “You’re too calm,” like it was a bad thing. I don’t think calm is bad. It helps me think clearly. Still, when someone says that, I start thinking maybe I should be louder or more spontaneous or more chaotic or something like that. But that wouldn’t be me. I don’t want to pretend to be someone else. Maybe the right person will like the calm. Maybe she will like the silence too. I keep telling myself “the right girl will stay,” even if it feels like a quote from some cliché poster on the wall. But sometimes clichés help when your heart is a little confused.

I try to stay positive. I really do. I look forward, not backwards. I keep reminding myself that I’m still young. Nineteen is nothing, right? I haven’t even figured out my own life plan yet. Maybe that’s part of the reason things fall apart fast. Maybe girls my age also don’t know what they want. Maybe everyone is just trying random things to see what feels right. I even looked up some stuff online, and I read somewhere, “Early relationships are practice, not final results.” That made me feel lighter. It was like someone telling me it’s okay to not have everything perfect now. I can accept that. I don’t feel angry at the girls who left. I don’t think they’re bad or mean. I think they’re lost too, the same as me. And even if my relationships were short, at least I tried. At least I opened up a little. At least I cared. And caring is something I don’t want to lose. I would rather be a caring person than someone who pushes feelings away. Even if it hurts a little at the end. Pain fades anyway. Hope stays longer.

So I guess I’m writing this to ask you honestly: is something wrong with me? Or maybe nothing is wrong and life is just doing its weird confusing thing. I’m not perfect, but I don’t feel broken. I don’t feel hopeless. I just feel like a person trying to understand himself while watching people drift in and out of his life. Maybe relationships ending quickly isn’t a sign that I’m unlovable. Maybe it’s just timing. Maybe it’s the age. Maybe it’s just normal and I’m overthinking it. I hope so. I hope things will change slowly, like weather getting warmer after a long cold week. I hope next time I meet someone, things last a little longer. And even if they don’t, I’ll keep going. I’ll keep learning. I’ll keep trying. Life is still long for me, and I want to stay hopeful. So tell me, what do you think? Am I missing something obvious? Or should I just relax, breathe, and trust that it will all make sense someday?

I’ve been struggling with this for a long time. I didn’t even realize it was such a big issue until I go home and come back, realize that the room is mess (so mess). It wasnt like this few months before.

I find it really hard to organize or decide where to keep things. There’s no space, and so many unused items lying around. It’s mentally exhausting to sort and categorize everything. I try, but I only manage to organize a small portion before getting tired. I honestly don’t know what to do. Clothes, bins, paper bags, food items, storage boxes. :(

I struggle to organize/decide on what/where to keep things - There’s no space and so many unused items lying around here, Its mentally exhaustive to decide to categorize/sort :'(. I keep trying to do this but, whenever I start to organize a small portion, I get tired and its a cycle - :/ Clothes, Paper bags, food items, storage boxes - Everything is messy now , whole room is cluttered and its tiring to look at - Kinda like I am in a pile of things. I feel _____ to see the current condition.

my last post was about gigachads, now what i actually want to know, how do they have all this capacity, whats there secret to performing well even tho they have alot of struggle, what am i doing wrong

I'm not the one who's hurting here—at least, not the one that's hurting the most in this situation.

A good friend of mine has recently told me that they can't keep being around me because they've fallen in love with me. I've had a few instances of suspecting this during the past few years but I always brushed it off as me misconstruing things. No other friendship has compared to what me and this girl have. She's my best friend.

I grew up with very little close friends. Most of the time, I was the floater friend and so when it came to the rare occurrence of me developing really close friendships, I'd hold on to them like they were my lifelines.

Then I met this girl. It was 2022, I believe. We've been through a lot together, confided in each other during the darkest points of 2022-2025. And this year, I felt like our friendship was really developing as we'd see each other more often to hang out. We were initially online friends and circumstance has led us to living in neighboring cities.

She's one of the greatest people I know, genuinely. When I say that there's goodness in this world, she has proven that to me.

Earlier, she texted me earlier saying that our friendship has been weighing on her because she's known for a long time that she's developed feelings.

I told her that I understood if she's taking a break from talking to me or if she's completely cutting me off because clearly, if I keep being friends with her, she'd be operating at an expense. Being friends with her will only hurt her even more. I cannot be more than a friend even if I tried. And I'm feeling like I'm losing someone who's been an integral part of my support system. I don't want to lose her but I know it's selfish of me to want to keep being friends because her needs are clearly not being met in this situation.

She's said that nobody has ever understood her the way I do and that she's struggling to see anyone else who'd reach my level of understanding of her. And objectively, I know someone else is out there that can be just as good a friend as I was to her. But she likes me. And there's nothing I can do about this.

I know that this is something she has to deal with internally, that maybe time will bring us back together. I cannot stop her and I only want her to have peace of mind even if it's at the cost of cutting me off.

But she's my best friend. I'm in a dark spot right now and my support system is literally just 3 people including her and she's the person I'm closest to. Lmao not the best, I know.

I know what will happen when she does reply to my text. I just hope it won't be goodbye.

So, just to give some context I'm the same person from this one: https://iiwiars.com/family-drama/i-hate-myself-and-nothing-that-is-happening-to-me-is-helping

Things aren't going better, I try to concentrate more on the good things than the bad ones but shit still happens way too much. My dad keeps getting angry at my brother, my brother doesn't care about anything and he keeps having these outbursts if things don't go how he plans and he just says he won't do that thing anymore, my mom's tired and I still hate this place.

Some years ago I honestly thought about escaping (tiktok at that time played a part in it too), right now though I don't think that anymore, it's not because I don't want to get the hell out of here but because I just because I can't do it. If I had an option to just teleport to a better family and better place I would right now.

My dad, well from the last post I already said he's not the best, but I feel like now he's getting worse. All he does is get home from work and slouch on the couch using his phone, then saying we are the ones addicted to it when he won't even get up and get off his phone to grab the charger in the other room and instead order us to do it. because yeah, I can't say no, if I do I'll have my phone, tablet and computer blocked because at 15 I still have parental control on all of them (they can see my position, what apps I download, what sites I visit and some things are age restricted or blocked directly). I don't like it and I've tried multiple times to ask them to change it since they say they use it only to look at my position and I give them another app only for that and he says it's not my choice and that as long as they like it then there's no need to change it, he says that if I had nothing to hide then I wouldn't need to change the app. Me or my brother don't eat at dinner or eat little? it's because we had a lot of snacks, even when we haven't had any, and sometimes we're forced to still eat more even though we don't want to, otherwise everything gets blocked. For a period I had my bedroom door taken away because whenever he called me I wouldn't hear because I kept it closed and so he took it off and I didn't know how to put it back on, which is an incredible shitty thing because where's my privacy? well he said "what privacy? it's just your bedroom". this all in the span of some years, like middle school until now. I can't wear some clothes because they're 'only for carnival' (it's alright fashion, goth type of things, nothing that shows ass or boobs, just specific type of jewelry that maybe has bats and spiders or was 'Halloween -like').

Another things that makes me really uncomfortable is the hypocrisy of him. My brother (who's 13) has a female friend that he's close to, they all praise him because he could be having a girlfriend. I have a close male friend and he says he would beat up any boyfriend I'll have. that makes me super uncomfortable because, why can't I have the freedom to get a partner, why can't I just be romantically involved with someone without the fear of being found out? (I never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend and tbh sometimes I think what stops me is in a little part also because of this).

then once I went out with my best friend and her boyfriend and we went around the town in his car, he's responsible and he's had his driving licence for enough to be trusted. but when I told my dad he said to not go in the car again and if I do it again he's gonna go to him and beat him till he bleeds (obviously him still going in his car with my friend and him, just not telling my dad and when I get dropped off, always away from my house).

I cannot swear, I don't mean I can't say incredibly bad swear words, I mean that if I only say 'f*ck' and he hears it he'll get angry. I don't get why? I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not saying it to anyone, I'm not insulting anyone. but he can swear against God (I'm not religious but it's still a swear word, even worse than that) and we cannot say anything about that, he can be racist and homophobic and we can't say shit about that. the only time my brother confronted him about it (I'm way too scared to do it myself that one day he'll just snap and get real angry or get violent, especially because sometimes he threatens to beat us if we don't act good) he answered that he wasn't racist but some (words I'm not going to say) are just all criminals.

I hate this place and sometimes I want them to just get a divorce, but I get scared: what if end up with my dad? what if instead of my mom getting better, she gets worse? what will happen to us?

I just hate it.