Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 10

I used to believe that after my skin were nothing, hollow and I wanted to tear my skin out just to see if there were nothing or not, it wasn't really an utter belief but like 99% of it. I still believe it sometime, this skin doesnt feel human, they're not, too artificial to be one, im not human, but not a robot, im a doll, I act like one, its loose once you observe it. Slack if you notice. My mind is not of my own, it whisper to me with a languange i know and dont know, I have to decode quickly to understand. This body is clay, its not human, this body is a doll, its not a human, everybody feels like a doll but logic says differently but I dont believe what they say until I see the flesh, I NEED to see the crimson to believe it, will i? Or will I think its fake again? My "loved one" faces are different, distant and artificial, theyre not them, theyre not people I know. Observing further for more than 3 seconds break my perception of such experience, something beyond my consciousness is controlling how I see things, they want me to think that its them when its not, you can clearly see it, its so obvious! Yet I pretend to act for them, theres no believer here, only the theatre remained, the voice is like a machine repeating words my loved one said, the movement is too doll like to be an actual human, an animal doesnt move like that, i know that for sure! They move freely but my loved one does not? Its weird. The face, its like the fabric felt, its inhumane, everybody else doesnt have that, just my loved one, theyre not them. Somebody is trying to trick me, somebody not human, is it God? God won't do this right? Of course mercy is not bestowed upon me, but one will not give much more suffering right? I, am a sinner after all, yet I believe him, is that not enough? Is anything I do not enough? Everything i do is nonsense, my belief is just not enough for God to give me such presents. Surely, only the sinner will get such suffering, such immeasurable test are not for the loyal are they or does God think I can withstand such torment? Does he want me to bite my flesh off? See my own blood to see whether im genuinely human or not? Is it that? But the knife are scary, I cant even cut vegetables! Im scared but why such torment are to be upon me? There's no others reason except of insanity. The ringing calls me to do it, this body is not mine to control, i cannot do it, something preventing so, is it want to live? Is it not? You too shall question that should you but you dont, why be silent all of the sudden? You always talk in language I cant comprehend, or rather im not hearing you at all? How do I explain this in text? Another voice but incomprehensible unless I hear it yes! A subtle ringing in my ears, tell me opinion, debate with me, and sometime get loud, its clearly just thoughts, like im debating myself! Im not hearing things! Its only the conciousness beyond me, beyond my understanding of normality that tell me do so! And how coud i say no? Its going internally, its clearly not a hallucination!How long was it again 1 month? 2? 3? I don't remember the feeling of wanting to tore my skin off to prove to myself, an urge thats only controlled by distraction, incredible that I have stayed for that long without a scar is it not? Its coming back to me how strong that belief was, I still am in string with it, its not thoughts of 24/7 no but this skin is not what it is, its not biological, you cannot tell me it is, you think i havent tried grounding before? I have, i have, i have, nothing work and really what's the point? Does it matter really, I'll still be "alive" dont worry! Once I try you'll see there's nothing behind it, it act like plastic, is it supposed to be? I think so, im only using my fingers, theres no harm in doing so is it? There's nothing behind it, no blood so why would it damage such body? It may hurt, of course it would. I just taken my antiphyschotic after writing this.

You know. I have believed my attempt worked before too and this is all just purgatory. But that one was less convincing, the body part was really convincing though. The mirror me is different, im looking at stranger, THATS NOT ME, cant you see that? Look at it! The face is not even mine, that body is not mine, its a complete stranger i dont know. seometime i feel like the ringing might be God telling me to rip my skin off to see how he has made me as a sinner, he has me plastic because of my sins cant you see that? The ringing tell

me to end myself, i have indulged in too much sins they say.

It somehow comforted me, the question has been answered, I can lay in peace but can I?

God hasn't confirmed that ill lay as dirt, I'll do his command once I have confirmation

September 13

I went to my sigma's halftime show last night and lowk I could NOT stop looking at her, everything from the uniform to her performance was absolutely amazing. my friends lowk made fun of me but I feel foolish. I mean how did someone like me get to someone like her?

codenames: Baguette (boy best friend), Circle (his girlfriend)

I know she hates me. My boy best friend's girlfriend. Maybe thats why hes spending time with her today. but he did say that he'd call didnt he?

i've been friends with baguette since near a whole year consecutively, and before that i was friends with him for half a year before we fell apart. but we did get back together and we are very close. i would consider him one of my best friends, i dont know what he thinks of me. he recently reassured me that he would not "break up" with me as friends if circle told him to. who believes that... he also said that circle doesnt mind that he hangs out with girls and that she said "you can hang out with whoever you want, boy or girl." WHO BELIEVES THAT? who wouldnt be jealous when the boyfriend theyve had a crush on since 7 years ago finally got with them and then talks to another chopped girl more than he talks with them? i agree with my friend who says i act like his girlfriend more than his girlfriend, from his side, he talks to me more than he talks to her. baguette usually calls me the first thing after he gets home, or at least texts. he felt bad when i was sad one random day, asking me so desperately how he could help. he asks me if i hated him so many times as if it really mattered to him. he asked me if i would be sad if he died. of course i would. i would cry my eyes out. he really means so much to me and i wish i could explain that to him. did i mention how i used to have a crush on him before we became friends? well i dont anymore. ive tried my best to get rid of all my feelings in that way. i really tried to hard and i believe i have succeeded. but sometimes when he doesnt text me or when he leaves me on seen i feel worthless. i sometimes ask him, am i boring, why are you friends with me, stuff like that, and he responds with something slightly reassuring. but its not the most reassuring, because i always feel like he's lying. i've been seen with him around campus quite a bit lately, over call he would ask me to come with him somewhere after school or meet somewhere to go help with schoolwork, and i always help him. maybe a bit too much, but...i just want him to keep being my friend. and im scared that if i dont do those things i lose my value as a friend to him and...he wouldnt talk to me anymore..and i dont want that. i dont know why, he somehow manages to make me smile when i am at my downest time, but of course he isnt there 24/7 so he cant ALWAYS be there.. but when he is he makes me smile, always, whether by being cute-stupid or telling a dumb joke i feel like it's always so lightening.. but he has other friends too..i need to remember that..am i being obsessive? am i too much? am i annoying?

now back to the part relating his girlfriend. she acts nice towards me but i dont think she likes me at all, and i completely understand her. i wouldnt like me either.

Alright (I always start with alright lol), So… since 4th grade I’ve had this small friend group with 4-6 people (I’m in 8th grade). In 4th grade, we played this game where one person would pretend to be a dog owner and we would be the dogs, barking in the field during recess. But our generation(being the messed up generation that it is) made it so our whole grade started calling us furries and the Wolfpack. I was scared that kids would actually come punch us in stuff and they didn’t, but to this day I am still mad at those people that bullied us because it was just a game for us little kids to entertain ourselves with.

In 5th grade, there was a group of girls that I hung out with a lot more than my closest friends, and my friends were mad at me about this. I wanted to expand my friendships, and wanted to be good friends with the “cool kids” In hopes that they would stop bullying my friends, and if not, then me (They didn’t). My friend in the so called “Wolfpack” even already had a boyfriend (We were only 11 so I don’t know why I cared lol) and I got so jealous that boys still liked her. Like at least 5 boys in our grade had a huge crush on her, yet still barked and yelled “Furry!” At her whenever she walked by. Honestly, I was not getting much individual recognition in being in “The Wolfpack”, so I was able to make my own friends aside from this friend group! My friends in “The Wolfpack” didn’t like that I was making more friends and we had a huge screaming fight which ended up with my friend saying that I liked her boyfriend (kinda stupid in my opinion I was just jelly she had ANY man). Actually I’ll just end here and do a second part later bye y’all feel free to share your opinion so far!

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Here I Go Again haha. I told you how I fell in love with a man much older than me who showed me high expectations. He was attentive, loving, kind, everything a woman wants.

As time went on, he got what he wanted, which was to win me over, and he began to show disinterest in me.

During the process, I saw many red flags, and in that outburst, I recounted how bad it felt when he didn't talk to me. I couldn't leave him because every time I tried, it was a sadness that killed me inside, and I wasn't able to stay in bed for days, feeling very bad.

Obviously, I wasn't going to die, but it's something you don't know how to handle. Sadness, no matter how much you try to deceive yourself, exists in the chest, in the head. Even those who've been through it know that it's also felt in the heart.

I didn't know what to do to end it because the relationship continued, but I was having a hard time. I decided to talk about it, and he told me in simple, blunt words that he didn't have any feelings for me and that he just wanted to have a good time. I understood everything perfectly. What I'm thinking is that there will be a door of feelings, showing affection and love, knowing that they will leave the person later.

It doesn't matter, maybe I idealized too much. I was confused, but what all this leads me to are some questions:

Why does it hurt so much? Life goes on.

Why so much dependence on someone who doesn't show interest?

I saw my mother die with my own eyes, and this hurts me more?

I came to the conclusion that my father abandoned me when I was young. My mother, even though I was with her until the last moment, left me at a train station and left me for 14 years. My grandmother kicked me out when I asked for shelter because I was homeless!

I became a mother for the first time, and my father left me alone during the entire pregnancy and childbirth.

I wanted to start a family, but he went with another family.

My pain is the abandonment I've always suffered and I can't get over it because I met this person who gave me all the affection I never received, and I didn't want to lose her.

Obviously, throughout my horrible life, I had addiction problems, and because of this, I've gone back to using drugs almost every day. Simply put, I want to die because I fell back into a job I had, and now it's worse. If I don't have drugs, I go crazy, my body shakes, and I become violent.

The End

P.S.: Never abandon anyone. Be clear, show love, but clearly. And if you're a man, don't abandon your children. Damn you.

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

Some of you may think it's absurd, others maybe not. It's something that eats at me every time I'm using (drugs), but it's very important for my life. People, I need you to give me a site where I can hack my Gmail. Do you know why?

Because I keep the nicest memories of my life there: photos of my mother who died, photos of my baby daughters, important things I need to recover — and it won't let me access them because it asks for two things I don't have: an email that the person who hacked me set up, and a phone number that doesn't exist. I have no way to recover it.

And do you know what's my outlet?

That I can't remember my daughters when they were little — I don't have a single photo. I have more things with my mom and my grandmother who passed away and only the results are there. They're very important and when I'm in this situation I go crazy.

Any solution? Any help?

Anything that can point me in the right direction?

It's not illegal — it's just something I want to recover because I'm going to live my whole life wondering what those people were like back then….

So one time I had been with my parents and younger brother on a trip to see my cousins. On the way, we stopped by our grandparents to relax. We were downstairs in the basement, me, my parents, brother and grandparents. I accidentally hurt my brother by tripping him when I was on the couch and he walked on my foot. He fell hit his head and I came down to see if he was ok. Then my mother ran down, got on her knees and held him like he was about to die. Meanwhile, I have never had something like that happen to me. Then, as I tried to apologize to him, my mother said and I quote, “no one wants to hear your fake apologizes” I was stunned. I sat there for a good minute, and tried to correct myself saying” I didn’t mean to sound that way, I-“ and she interrupted me saying “Don’t make excuses, you know your in the wrong”. I was shocked, I stared at her and I glanced at my brother, who even looked at me and then at her, with a look that said “you took this too far”. Behind me was the rest of my family and grandparents, who saw everything, and I started to hold back tears. The last thing she said to me was “You don’t deserve to cry”. I looked at my dad, knowing this wasn’t the only time he sat and watched they way my mother talked to me and traumatized me. I told them “I don’t fell like playing anymore, have fun” trying to sound okay, and went upstairs. I stayed in the bathroom, all alone, hearing my mother babying my Brother in a way she doesn’t do for me or did to me when I was his age. I stayed there, shocked for hours and didn’t want to leave. No one checked on me, no one cared, and the hours later they called for me. Reluctant, I went downstairs and they acted like nothing happend. My brother was the only one who came up to me and said “I know you weren’t being mean and you did try to apologize. I’m sorry mom did that” I tried to hold back tears when I hugged him, knowing he was the only one who saw what she did was wrong. To this day if my mom says “I know your probably going to say j favorite your younger brother but I don’t” and this is the first thing of many that come to mind. I just wanted to get this story off my chest, your knot alone in the bias. Let me know if I’m just being stuck up and this is blown out of proportion. Thank you for listening.

Alright, so I’ll just state it here, my little brother can seem nice at times, but that’s not what I’m complaining about. I have had arguments with my brother, my brother throws himself to the ground, actually hurts himself so he’ll start crying, and my parents think I did it so I get in trouble. When I try to defend myself, they tell me to, and I quote, “Shut up, we don’t need to hear any more lies for tonight”. For the past year or two I’ve been becoming depressed (in my opinion, I don’t have a legit diagnosis or anything but I think I might), and have been becoming more and more suicidal. It even led me to attempt by jumping down a flight of stairs, but my grandma ran over (my parents stayed sitting) and had to help me up. She knew this was on purpose, while my parents said I was just looking for attention. Today, I was arguing with my mom about my success in acedemic activities and stuff and I notice that my brother has been playing Roblox (a video game for those who don’t know) for FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT. I tell my mom I would like to watch a show because my brother got to play Roblox for four hours and she said “He’s only 9, you need to be more mature,” and then kindly told him to get off. He said no, and kept playing. She stayed nice to him, but then I told her I deserved to watch my show and she absolutely BLEW UP at me!!! I then asked her why she loved him more and she said “I don’t.” I didn’t believe her, so I said “swear on your own life that you love us equally.” She just laughed nervously and changed the subject. Is this because she truly loves him more, or is this normal? Pls somebody help me it’s getting on my nerves at this point.

Hey guys, so. I'm 13, and I have had eczema since I was 2. And one time with a dermatologist at 12, she did finally confirm I have eczema. I use moisturizers and hydrocortisone creams if it gets bad, and it's great. My new creams don't give me all that much hyperpigmentation, unlike other creams I've had, which is good! SO yeah. But a full-blown analysis, and the cause? Nah, no, it didn't happen. And I'm scared of dermatologists, because of many things. My grandpa used to be a dermatologist, and he used to be angry. Like, ultra-mad, so mad that as both an anesthesiologist and dermatologist, he'd yell at EVERYONE, when he'd have a patient he wouldn't really care, and when my dad (his son) got acne problems, the creams were so bad that if dad immediately stopped, his skin would dry fast and if he put the pimples would go but his skin would darken. And from watching dermatologists in movies and YouTube, they all seem very judgy, very weird, always obsessed with your skin (I know it's their job, but I mean OBSESSED), and would create new insecurities for you. And I've heard from my gut feelings if they're with teens, with any skin issues, they're gonna roast the hell out out of you, make you have more insecurities, and feel even worse about your look! Trust me, I have eczema and acne at the same time, and while cutting cashews has reduced my pimples, I get a teeny tiny amount of pimples right before my periods, but nothing horrible, unless the dermatologist says so and I need birth control. And eczema? How can a girl have it since 2?? I don't know, just how? I'm just weird like that. But yeah, I just feel weird, around any doctors. Like they'll only see me as some sort of sick body, and I already feel bad about my looks and chronic disease, because what if when I grow up, nobody would like me for it? All girlfriends I see online have perfect smooth skin. And I'm the crusty rock.

so like idk if I like want to go to the football game tonight, I mean I don’t have a choice since I’m playing with the band and my ginger’s gonna be there so I cant just not go but what if the weird thing happens again? what if my brain decides to take a nap in the middle of the halftime show, when we’re performing? I mean I know it doesn’t have any visible effects, its not like i’ll collapse or anything, but if it happens I might stop playing or marching or smt. besides I’m just too tired for this man.

and if my head does do the dream walking thing, anyone got any ideas to help like snap myself out of it?

LIKE COME ON

THERES THESE TWO KIDS IN MY ENGLISH CLASS MAKING OUT EVERY FUCKING DAY LIKE I DONT NEED TO SEE THAT

PETITION TO MAKE PDA ILLEGAL?!?!??!?! LIKE PLEASE

this is a joke btw, while I do hate seeing PDA people can do what they want lol idc

i don't get it. why does he keep lying to my face?I just found proof that my husband is cheating. it's not like i didn't have my suspicions, but when you're faced with actual evidence, it hits different, ya know? i tried to confront him, laid everything out nicely—phone records, some suspicious texts, even a hotel receipt that ain't ours, you name it, i got it. yet, he looks me straight in the eye and tells me it's not what i think. can you believe it? is he fooling himself, or just me?

come on, i am not asking for drama or a scene, just a bit of honesty; but he's making it all too complicated. i mean, why doesn't he just admit to it when it's all right there? the mistrust is growing worse with every lie, and this back-and-forth dance is exhausting. really, what's the point of lying when the jig is up??? maybe he thinks he's slicker than he is, but seriously, who does he think he's fooling? it's become this endless cycle where he denies, denies, denies, and i'm stuck trying to piece together the truth, detective style. i'm too old for this kind of nonsense. like, just be a grown-up and own up to it, right? can't figure out what goes in his mind. is he trying to save face, or does he actually believe his own lies??

so why is he still lying??? any thoughts?

Is "worrying about others" really worrying about other when you only do It cause tik tok told you should? Cause honestly, you literally ignored me and told me to "men up" when i was at my lowest and was suffering and trying to ask for help FOR OVER 6 YEARS NOW. And now that i'm somewhat ok-ish and trying to figure things out and not fall back into the loop, you're all over me playing the bleeding Heart. But not because you were worrying about me, not because you love me, but because TIK TOK TOLD YOU, YOU SHOULD. It didn't even come from you. You needed the "external guidance" from a RANDOM TIK TOKER to realize messed up things were happening, got obssessed and now you're dumping It on me, playing the victim and making me the bad guy. Like you with everything, every single time. And then you wonder why i never talk to you or never ask you for help? Guess. Not that you would be able to. You're too much of a selfcentered hypocrite.

I have this friend I've known for years, but recently they're just being a straight up jerk. I've noticed that nowadays whenever something even slightly ticks them off they take it out on someone else, and they've become really mysogenistic, basically the whole 'nice guy' thing and it's like wtf? then he's always complaining about 'oh I'll never get a girlfriend' like first of all you're thirteen and second of all idk maybe start treating people with respect?! they're so unpredictable too because one second they're being really great and awesome but then the second something doesn't go the way they want all of a sudden the world is ending and he's mad at everyone, and I genuinely have no clue how to react to ts. I want to leave so bad because there are so many other people I know who are so much better and don't jsut punch me when they want or say shit like 'it's not that deep' whenever they say something genuinely disgusting, but idk how and I'm hoping they just forget about me, ans I also don't want to leave behind my other friends.

'oh why can't people like others for who they are' then they continue to hate someone over the smallest thing like what they wear. 'women these days are so dramatic' and it's a girl crying because her dog just died. 'oh you make me mad' yeah well so do you- I mean oops I'm so sorry you're right I will stop talking to you like a normal human and like a robot that agrees with everything you say ig. 'oh you have no personality I hate you for that lmao' gee I wonder why such a crazy mystery hmmmmmmmmm I wonder. 'why did you miss school I've gone sick before just suck it up and deal with it' now lets see I just told you I had such a bad migraine I was almost hospitalize but ooopppssss I'm soooooo sorryyyy I guess I should have just passed out from pain right then and there mb g.

I didn't actually belive that the internet was ruining this generation to this extent until now and it's kinda scary ngl because no one has empathy or even listens to others in the first place. Imma take my other freind and just like... run away from this group at this point because wtfffffffffffffffffffffffff

Trigger Warning: this post has the topic suicide in it.

im in love with this guy right? i think hes too cause hes like really nice to me and he jokes all the time that he likes me.

so a few weeks ago things got out of hand and i was super suicidal. i told him that i probably was going to kill myself soon. that was idiotic of me. he told the police and now i have to follow MORE therapy. which in turn makes me more suicidal. ironic i know. that thought me to not trust him with my thoughts anymore.

then his friend reached out to me. i told him the same stuff. he told him. ive talked to him multiple times about stuff in my life and everytime ekko (the guy i like) somehow knows about it. ive accused him of it multiple times. and multiple times he told me its true. last time (just now) he ignored it.

ive got no outlet anymore. i dont know if i even want to trust anyone anymore. it sucks you know. ive trusted way too many times and way too many times that trust has been broken.

and please dont try to feel sympathy for the whole suicidal thing. ive heard the blah blah "i get it" slop before way too many times. ive been trough 3 therapist now and im pretty sick of it.

thanks for reading. sorry if i seem like a dick right now. i have that sometimes