Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 7

so yeah

I write songs sometimes

on the way home from after schol band practice yesterday

I came up with a song in my mom's car lol.

I only have most of the chorus

I need to know:

1: is it good?

2: what line should I add to finish the chorus?

It's in the style of like, think Three Days Grace or Linkin Park

here it is:

"And all the colours fade to black

I can't keep going forward, but I can't turn back,

I'm conflicted,

I am stuck,

I'm so sick of feeling numb,"

So that's it

I need another line but idk what to put

and I have no verses either but I'll figure that out myself lol

Omg I don’t even know what to do. Like, I feel so freaking guilty but at the same time I don’t even know if I should tell him. My bf doesn’t know… and maybe it’s better that way? I swear I never meant for this to happen. I love him, like for real love him. But it was just one night, and it didn’t even mean anything. It was so stupid. We had this fight, nothing crazy but I was mad, and he was being all distant so I went out with my friends. And then there was this guy… I didn’t even like him like that, but we were drinking and talking and idk, it just happened. One second we were just laughing and then the next… I don’t even wanna say it. I keep telling myself it was just a mistake, just a dumb moment that don’t matter, but every time I see my bf I feel like the worst person alive.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do. If I tell him, it’s gonna ruin everything. He’s not the kind of guy who just forgives something like this. He’s gonna hate me. And I don’t blame him. I hate me too. But if I don’t tell him, then what? I just pretend like nothing happened? Every time he tells me he loves me I feel like he wouldn’t if he really knew me. And what if someone else tells him? Like what if one of my friends lets it slip or something?? Omg I would die. I keep thinking maybe I should just tell him first, but then I think about the look on his face and I just… can’t.

I keep going back and forth. Sometimes I think, ok, it was just a mistake, I love him, we can move past it. But then sometimes I feel like I don’t even deserve him anymore. Like, maybe I should just break up with him before he finds out, maybe that would be easier. But I don’t want to lose him. I just wish I could go back to that night and undo everything. But I can’t. And now I have to live with it, whether he knows or not.

People always say kindess is the most important thing, like if you be nice to people, good things come back to you. But honestly, I don’t know if that’s true anymore. I used to think it was, used to try real hard to always be the "good" person, the one who helps, the one who listens, the one who puts others first. And what do I get for it? Nothing. People just take what they want from you and then leave when they don’t need you no more. Like, I lost count of how many times I’ve been there for someone, helped them through something, only for them to forget I even exist once their life gets better. And it’s not like I expect a prize or anything, but damn, would it kill people to actually appreciate it? To remember?

I had this friend, right? She was going through a real bad time, like everything in her life was a mess. I was there for her every day, texting, calling, going over to her place, making sure she was okay. I did everything I could to help her. And she always said, "I don’t know what I’d do without you," "You’re the only one who actually cares." Made me think, yeah, maybe this time it’s different. Maybe this time someone actually values me. But guess what? The second things got better for her, she found new friends, started dating someone, got her life together, and just… forgot about me. Like I was just a tool she needed for that one chapter of her life. And that’s not even the first time it happened.

So what’s the point? Why should I keep trying to be nice, keep showing up for people when it never gets me anywhere? Sometimes I think maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m too stupid to see that the world doesn’t work like that. People don’t actually care about kindess, they just take what they need from whoever’s willing to give it. And then I look around, and I see all these selfish people, the ones who don’t care about anyone but themselves, and they’re the ones who actually seem happy. They do whatever they want, say whatever they want, and people still like them. Meanwhile, the ones who actually try to be good just end up getting used.

And don’t even get me started on how people treat kindness like weakness. If you’re too nice, too giving, people just assume they can walk all over you. At work, I tried to be the person who helped everyone, covered shifts, did favors, always said yes. And you know what happened? People just started expecting it. No one actually asked me anymore, they just assumed I’d do it. The second I said no to something, they acted all shocked, like I was suddenly a different person. And it made me realize, people don’t respect kindess. They use it.

Maybe I sound bitter, maybe I am. But I’m just tired of always being the one who cares more. Of always giving and never getting. Of always being the backup plan, the emotional support, the nice one. Because at the end of the day, kindess don’t get you love. It don’t get you respect. It just gets you taken for granted. And honestly? I don’t wanna live like that anymore.

There are different type of people. "My parents are divorced", "My parents are happily married". My parents SHOULD be divorced. I don't want them to get divorced, but at the same time, they're clearly not healthy for each other. They argue every day and their personalities don't match at all. Twenty five years of marriage, and they've never really loved each other. I think they both could be been happier in anther world, where they never met each other. My mum met someone she loved and married him in that universe. My dad never settled down and traveled the world. I was never born in that universe, but they're both happy that way. I love both of my parents and I want them to be happy. They bring out the worst in each other, and it's painful. I feel so afraid, because their moods become sour. If I mess up, my mum gets angry. If I get upset over her arguing, she tells me to not make it about myself. I'm not blaming her, because I know this could have been avoided if my mum was with someone else. I know they're only staying together "for the kids" (aka me and my siblings), but even their children can see how unhealthy this is. I can't tell them to divorce, neither can I mend their relationship. So I just have to live through it for a few more years. But I don't know how much more I can take.

Sometimes I sit in my car for a few extra minutes before going back inside. It’s not like there’s anything waiting for me in there that I don’t already know—dinner needs to be made, the kids are probably arguing over something ridiculous, and my husband will be in his usual spot, watching TV or scrolling on his phone, barely noticing I’ve come back. It’s not that he’s a bad man. He’s never been abusive, never been mean, never done anything that would make people say I should leave him. But he also doesn’t do anything. No affection, no deep conversations, no laughter that isn’t forced. Just routine, the same boring loop we’ve been stuck in for years. And I hate that I sound ungrateful, because he works hard, he provides for all of us, and I know plenty of women have it worse. But does that mean I’m just supposed to accept that this is it? That life is just chores and parenting and making sure everyone else is okay while I slowly feel like I’m disappearing?

I wasn’t always like this. I used to be fun, I used to have dreams. I wanted to travel, I wanted to do something creative, I wanted a marriage that actually felt like a partnership instead of just coexisting. But we had kids, and then another, and then another, and suddenly my entire identity became mom while my husband kept being... himself. He still has his job, his hobbies, his space, while I feel like my whole world has shrunk to the walls of this house. And I know, I chose to stay home. It made sense financially. His job pays well enough that I don’t have to work, and childcare would have eaten up most of anything I made anyway. But now, years later, I see the trap I walked into. I have no career, no financial independence, and no way out even if I wanted one. If I left, how would I support myself? How would I support them? And I don’t even know if I want to leave. That’s the worst part. It’s not like there’s someone else. It’s not like I think divorce would magically fix everything. But I also don’t know how to spend the rest of my life feeling like this—like I’m just existing instead of living.

I’ve tried talking to him before. Told him I feel lonely, that I miss who we used to be, that I need something to break the routine. He listens, nods, says yeah, I get it—and then nothing changes. No date nights, no little surprises, no effort. Just the same routine, day after day, year after year. Maybe he thinks this is normal, maybe he’s fine with things the way they are, maybe he doesn’t even realize how much of me has faded away. And I don’t know what to do with that. I keep telling myself that once the kids are older, maybe I can find a job, maybe I can get back some piece of myself that I lost along the way. But what if by then it’s too late? What if I wake up at 50 and realize I wasted all my years waiting for a life that was never gonna come? I don’t know the answer, and honestly, I don’t know if there is one. All I know is I’m feeling trapped, and I don’t know how to break free.

Idk why but I just feel like I never good enough. Like I look around and everybody else seem so much more confident, like they just know who they are, what they want, how to talk to people. And then there’s me, always second guessing everything, thinking did I say something dumb? do they even like me? am I just annoying? It’s so exausting to always feel like I gotta prove myself or act a certain way just to be accepted. Like even in class, I wanna ask a question but then my brain goes what if it’s stupid? what if they all think I’m dumb? and then I just sit there in silence, pretending like I understand when I don’t. And it’s not just in class, it’s everywhere. I walk into a room and feel like everybody’s looking at me, judging me, even if I know deep down they prob don’t even care.

I try to tell myself to stop, to just be normal and not overthink everything but it’s so hard. I look in the mirror and all I see are the things I don’t like. My hair is never right, my face looks weird, my clothes never feel like they actually fit me right. And I see all these girls who just look so effortless, like they woke up looking perfect and they don’t even try. Even when I do my makeup or wear something nice, I still feel like I’m just pretending, like it’s obvious to everyone that I don’t belong. And don’t even get me started on social media, cuz that just make it worse. I scroll and see all these people with perfect lives, perfect bodies, perfect friends, and it just makes me feel even more like I’m failing at being a normal human.

I wish I knew how to stop being insecure. Like how do people just wake up and like themselves?? I’ve read all the advice—be positive, practice self love, stop comparing yourself to others—but it don’t actually help. I tell myself "you’re fine, you’re not ugly, you’re smart, you’re worth something" but my brain just goes lol sure keep telling yourself that. I feel like no matter what I do, there’s always gonna be someone better, someone who’s funnier, prettier, more interesting, and people are always gonna like them more than me. And the worst part is I don’t even know why I care so much. It’s not like I even wanna be the center of attention, I just don’t wanna feel like I’m always less than everybody else.

So yeah, if anybody out there actually figured out how to stop being insecure, let me know. Cuz I’m tired of feeling like this, tired of hiding behind my phone at parties, tired of thinking every little thing I say or do is wrong. I just wanna be able to exist without feeling like I need to be better all the time. But idk, maybe some people just born with confidence and some of us just gotta fake it forever.

I have been going through this creative burnout for the beginning of the Covid experience. And lately it is taking a lot out of me to try to do anything creative. Because mostly half the time trying to figure out where to put my little figures or find a great picture landscape It’s hard because there’s so many other people, and they might look at you. Funny when you have little objects with you. Also, there’s other people who tried to help but interferes with your creative mind. Plus you get interruptions a lot. Is there anyone who knows about creative burnout to overcome it or help ease out of it because it is exhausting and I don’t know what to do next for my pictures.

I was in a wreck almost 2 years ago it has made me only able to walk with crutches on good day and wheelchair on bad days me and my husband have been happy but recently he told me " 1 miss having someone to walk with and hold hands with and isn't a burden and someone I can walk along the damn with I didn't sign up to be a caregiver this effects me more then it does you

" when in reality I'm the one most effected because we have a kid I can't chase him and play with him like I should I'm missing out on doing stuff with him unlike my husband I watch them play all the time outside, since that day I just hate my life because of this I hate not being able to walk and hold hands play with our kid, he can get out of the house whenever he wants to l can't l'm stuck here 24/7 he doesn't even wanna take me out to eat or anywhere when I'm able to use a cane because he doesn't like people looking at him, l didn't ask for this I feel like a burden everyday since it happened and now l'll how he feels

so uh I sent you this link bc I just wanna tell you that i'm sorry for the huge argument we had it was over quite honestly the stupidest thing ever and idk why I'm not talking to you I just knew that eventually I was gonna say smt stupid and you'd actually hate me then- and I mean I did say smt real stupid lol, I'm rlly sorry for that but like i didn't rlly know how to tell you irl and ofc I didn't kick you off Disease :P I mean I could've if I wabted to but then who would decide whether or not Robin dies, right? so I mean you can reply to this on this platform or you can reply on the doc I sent you this on idrm, just know I'm sorry for what I said even if I don't remember what I said. and dw, things are fine now with me smt happened today that made me rlly happy :D I'll tell you about that if you wanna hear but if you don't that's fine :P

so I mean if you don't want to be friends I understand I rlly was an asshole to you and I did treat you like shit and i'm sorry for that, just know that I do care Abt you, and I'm sorry for yelling at you at lunch I didn't know it would trigger you and when you told me I was really pissed at that point and not thinking straight with my reply

I guess that day I was just really out of it bc I felt so horrible over what had happened that morning and with my parents and my grades and everything else like my memory problems and my temper was shorter than ever so please ignore all the hurtful things I said to you (even if it didn't hurt you) bc I was kinda out of it that day

so lately i've been OBSESSED with this guy Noah Kahan

so I took one of my fav songs by it and made my own version of it

if you've heard the song you'll probably notice I kept a few of my fav lines the same cuz they're too good to alter :P

the song I redid was You're Gonna Go Far

and I have no idea if my version is good or not lol

so here it is:

I never ever felt so damn sorry

As when I saw you drive away after screaming,

"I never ever want to see you again"

I regret all that I said

This is good land, or at least it was

It takes a strong hand and a sound mind

All our kids are gettin’ so old, aint they?

They’ve been leaving out of town, like they can’t wait

Half don’t even live in the same state

If they got an appointment, they’ll be late

This is good land, or at least it was

It takes a strong hand and a sound mind

I never smile, but I know when I get rough,

Ooh, you got enough

Ooh, you got enough where you are

And while I yell and scream across the yard

Ooh, you'll be far

Ooh, you'll be far, far from here

So, you packed up your car, I put my hand on your heart

I said, “This is what you want,

But you ain’t gonna get far”

But I ain't angry at you, love

You're the greatest thing I've lost

The water still flows, the sun will still shine,

And everyone knows

One day, we’ll all die

I ain't angry at you, love

I’m just waitin’ for you, love

And I’m always here forever

And I’m always here forever

I sure am

My heart’s been achin’ since you left

Thinkin’ ‘bout what I said

“You know, you won’t go nowhere.”

But you know I’ve, you know I’ve been livin' just to die

You told me you would make a difference

Well, I got drunk and shut you down

It won't be by your own volition

If you step foot outside this town

But it's all we need

For always

So, you packed up your car, I put my hand on your heart

I said, “This is what you want,

But you ain’t gonna get far”

But I wasn’t angry at you, love

You were the greatest thing I've lost

The water still flowed, the sun still shined

And still, we all know, someday, we’ll all die

I wasn't angry at you, love

Was just waitin' for you, love

And I’ll still be here forever

And I'll still be here forever

You know, you went far!

You know, you went far!

You know, you went far!

You know, you went far!

Yes, you did (ooh)

If you wanna go (go) far

Then you gotta go (go) far

so this morning in the hall on my way to Band class, a friend of mine passed, one of the Special Ed kids. Usually he just waves at me, and I smile and wave back, but today he said, "Can I have a hug?" And I said, "Sure!" and that was hours ago and I'm still smiling. That little interaction made my day a little better :D

here's your reminder that even the smallest of things, a little smile, a hug, even a compliment can brighten someone's day just a little!

being a teen is honestly exhausting. not only do you have to live up to your parents expectations but also maintain a good social life in school. at some point being a teen and A GIRL is just the hardest thing ever, you post anything on instagram you get slut shamed although its not inappropriate at all, you enjoy your life and have few flings or situationships or dated few people you are called a whore, when you reject someone you get called "lose" (referring to the hole) and so much more than i cant even think of cuz this generation is so messed up. everyones point of view has changed and all their eyes roam where it shouldnt be, more than making love with someone you love, ppl watch porn and masturbate. peoples way of thinking and everything has changed so much in a bad way that being a girl and trying to survive is the hardest thing you can do.

its not 2 or 4 people or maybe its the whole school, you do one thing that might not even be problematic and people add up things and make it sound way worse and you are the new "whore" or "slut" or just someone everyone hates. i had a bf who cheated on me a couple of times and when we broke up since people who knew what he did blamed at him, he played the victim card and posted shit like i cheated on him many times and stuff, ever since peoples pov of me has changed so much. its not only inside the school but even people outside that i dont even know, people just judge you with what they know and befriend with the real bad people out there. not to sound lame or anything but at some point everything i did was problematic to everyone. people posted memes and stories making jokes bout me, some were fine but some were really inappropriate.

it affected me so much that i just wanted to be a completely different person, and i did change a lot (in a good way) but there are still people who keep complaining bout me being happy, i dont care anymore although its annoying how it keeps coming back. now im stuck with being seen by everyone. i lost a LOT of close friends and people since that incident and had no one rly beside, it was the hardest time of my life going through all that alone but im happy i overcame came. but its so lonely to have no true friend and whats more worse is i feel jealous that my current boyfriend is more associated with a lot of people, i am quite obsessive and overprotective cuz i keep losing people i love and shit. but when he has everything i want and things i wish he didnt i cant help it but to hate myself. i am insecure and lack self confidence, so its just become exhausting to be cared bout and seen by everyone and yeah "fomo".

what ive become today is being defined only by others pov or what they have heard and never of what i really am. its so tiring to accept it or keep ignoring it sometimes, its really my vulnerable point so hate sharing it to someone i know and when i try they think all i want is "attention" and here i am sitting in my room wondering what im doing in my life cuz its exhausting to try and exhausting to not be seen.

The coworkers I work with in this outpatient lab grind on my nerves. maybe it's a me thing but they complain about literally every. single. thing. they complain about the fact that I get one day off every week (I work 4 10s they work 5 8s) completely ignoring the fact that we both work the same number of hours each week. They get annoyed the I use my vacation time. (fun fact that's part of my benefits. why would I not use the benefits I have) they get annoyed that sometimes when they come back from lunch there are 3 people in the lobby but ignore the fact that when they leave for lunch they will leave 8-10 patients in the lobby. And I'm pretty sure that if i was to register the patients in the lobby and put them under them to be drawn they would be annoyed they have to draw blood after coming back from lunch. But hey when they leave for the day that's okay if they leave with a lobby full of patients because god forbid they stay one minute past their scheduled shift . They feel like they are above the standards that they hold everyone else to like hypocrites.

I never thought I’d be the guy who had it all together. And to be honest, I still don’t feel like I do. But when I look at my life—my wife, my kids, our home—I know I’m lucky. I have a good job, a healthy family, and a reason to wake up every morning. I remember being younger, picturing what adulthood would look like, and this was it. The stability, the love, the feeling of coming home to people who actually want to see you at the end of the day. Life is good. But at the same time, there’s this nagging thought in the back of my mind that I can’t shake: it can be better.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy. It’s not like I want to run away from my responsibilities or trade any of this for something else. But sometimes, I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Work, bills, fixing things around the house, making sure the kids have everything they need. Then it’s bedtime, a few hours of quiet, and we do it all over again. And I love my family more than anything, but I miss something I can’t even put into words. Maybe it’s freedom, maybe it’s excitement, maybe it’s just the feeling of being more than just a dad and a husband.

I see other guys chasing their dreams—starting businesses, traveling, picking up new hobbies—and I wonder if I’m supposed to be doing that too. Should I be pushing myself harder? Should I be taking risks instead of playing it safe all the time? There was a time when I had big ideas, when I wanted more than just a comfortable life. But now? I’m not even sure what more looks like anymore. And the weird thing is, I feel guilty for even thinking about it. Like, shouldn’t I just be grateful for what I have? Shouldn’t this be enough?

Maybe part of the problem is that I don’t really take time for myself. I’m always in “dad mode” or “work mode,” and when I do get a second to breathe, I don’t even know what to do with it. I used to love playing guitar, used to spend hours drawing, used to actually read books instead of just scrolling through my phone. But somewhere along the way, those things stopped feeling important. Now, if I do anything that isn’t productive, I feel like I’m wasting time. And there’s always something else that needs to get done.

But I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I let myself disappear. I don’t want to be that guy who only existed for his family and forgot how to be his own person too. My kids are gonna grow up. They’re gonna have their own lives, their own problems, their own dreams. And when that happens, who will I be? Just some guy who works and pays bills? That thought scares me more than I like to admit.

So yeah, life is good, but it can be better. Not because I want more money or a bigger house or some crazy adventure. But because I want to feel alive in my own life, not just present in everyone else’s. I don’t know exactly what that looks like yet, but I know it starts with me. And maybe that’s enough for now.

I just can't do this anymore. All my friends are pissed at me for things I don't remember. My parents are disappointed in me for absolutely EVERYTHING: my grades, the people I'm friends with, the fact I'm genderfluid, everything. I don't care if people will miss me or not. I need to get out of here.

(nobody mentioned below is on this website as far as I know, I just need to get this out.)

Sam, I'm so sorry. You told me to stay strong but since I can't talk to you anymore, I got weak. I knew I couldn't survive without you, but I was stupid and didn't try to find a way for us to keep talking. If I can live through this, I will find a way for us to connect.

Bowie, you're welcome. I'll finally be out of your life, just like you wanted. You wanted that, right? Of course you did.

Emma, my love, I'm so, so sorry. But I can't go on like this anymore. I love you, but I gotta go.

To my parents: I was the child you didn't want, right? Well, now you don't have to have me anymore. See ya.