Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 7

Suicide is justified

why shouldn’t we choose to exit? Death is inevitable anyway whether I die at 17, 47, or 89, the end is the same. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Helping, studying, relationships don’t fill the void so why keep patching something unfixable? Even if life improves later, that’s still a gamble right now suffering feels endless, and it’s unfair to force someone to endure just because “it might get better.” Life feels like theft, not gift born without consent, condemned to suffering, then robbed by death.

suicide isn’t just “choice,” it’s the end of all choices. If you exit now, you deny your future self the possibility of ever choosing differently. The amount of life experienced is the difference. If meaning is something you can create, then more time = more possibility. the void isn’t eliminated, it’s carried differently. That shift (existential acceptance) changes how much power the void has. Suicide blocks that possibility forever. I agree but I have no motivation to play this game.

you can decide whether to treat life as a burden or a canvas. The injustice of being born doesn’t mean the only justice is exit. Suicide hands victory to those who hurt you; living (even broken, even with void) is resistance. I agree and I don't want victories anymore.

I may never “fix” happiness, but i can still create meaning or peace and that possibility only exists if i stay. Right?? Yes but pain is unbearable and there's no way I can fill this void.

Uncertainty Principle (Heisenberg) Nothing is 100% fixed. Even particles don’t have definite positions/velocities until observed. Exactly: The “permanence” of my void is also uncertain. Just like particles, my inner state isn’t fixed. As we know Quantum Superposition A particle can exist in many states at once until measured.

Science and medicine can’t fill a void; it can change conditions so that the void stops swallowing everything. It can raise the floor (sleep, nutrition, meds), loosen the grip (therapy skills), and make room where meaning-making is possible.

“In quantum mechanics, X (a cause) doesn’t force only one effect (Y). It creates a range of possible outcomes {Y, Z, A…}. Which one becomes real depends on interaction/observation in life, that’s your choices and actions, But Possibility ≠ happiness it is only the chance. The void remains, yet the collapse is yours."

Suicide is a rational solution to suffering. you can't know what comes after death. If it's nothingness, yes, suffering ends. But if it's something (unknown state, spiritual consequence, ripple effect), the assumption breaks. I believe in nothingness. Life has no inherent meaning suicide is neither wrong nor right. Life has no meaning but precisely because of that, we must create our own meaning. Suicide "skips the responsibility" of creating. Yes, life is suffering, but the measure of a human is how they bear suffering and turn it into strength. Ending it early is abandoning your post. Since you didn't choose birth, the only place you do have choice is what you make out of this forced existence. Isn't it cruel to ask someone drowning in despair to wait for an uncertain tomorrow, when their suffering is certain today? void of meaninglessness certainty vs possibility. I Don't ask "what makes me happy?" I Ask "what makes me 2% lighter?" Still nothing works I'm not happy anymore. I used to believe When meaning is present, happiness sneaks back as a by-product. But I'm Wrong. Same with emotional rewiring. Only from stability can happiness grow. But slowly I'm feeling it will not work. Years of disappointment/ trauma condition me to "not expect joy" so even when it's there, i don't trust it. It's not the genuine happiness I feel. My brain doesn't take it. I have seen through the game of "do this be happy." i realize the loop is empty so happiness feels fake. I agree partially, studying 24/7

doesn't give me happiness but it can give me purpose. "Purpose sustains you when happiness can't." I do partially agree.

The unfair part of life is that we didn't choose to be born yet we're expected to carry on as if there's nothing wrong. When we didn't decide to whom or how we're born, why should we continue living a miserable life when there's a way out? There is far too much obsession with "success" and material gain, and not enough empathy. Suicide isn't selfish. What's truly selfish is neglecting someone so badly to the point that they want to kill themselves.

I feel like the only reason that suicide wouldn't be justified in the ultimate sense) is if your life still contains obligations (unfinished responsibilities to others, society, or even to yourself).

I don't feel happy... there's no happiness trust me.

I want to start this off by saying that my dad isn't too bad most of the time. most of what he does, he does because he thinks it is the best thing for us. and a lot of the issues that I have with him are caused by the way that he was raised. I do love my dad, but sometimes he does things that hurt me a lot emotionally, even if it is unintentional.

the thing that I am really upset about right now is that he just threatened to shoot my dogs. I have a couple dogs that live inside the house. one of them has some issues with going potty inside the house. this is largely in part due to the fact that the lady who owned my dog before me never took her dogs outside, and trained them to use a litter box i side the house. now my dog never wants to go outside, but we do the best we can to make sure that she spends enough time out there. that being said, she still makes a mess I side every now and then. it is certainly not ideal, but i clean it up and move on with the day. well, today, she had another one of those accidents and my dad found it. he got all pissed off and threatened to unlike both of my dogs. I doubt he would even actually do this, but it still really hurts to have to picture my life without them in it. I love them so much, and I can't understand why he would threaten to take that away. he saw how hurt I was when our past dog passed. I could barely function, and I still miss her every day. I know that he thinks that saying that is just tough love and will make the problem better, but all that it does is cause unnecessary hurt and resentment. I wish I could talk to him about this, but he is the kind of person who doesn't want to listen to his teenage daughter once he gets an idea in his head because he wants to be the man of the house. I have tried talking to him about these issues, but he never listens. so I have just given up. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. especially since he knows how hurt I would be if anything happened to them.

the second big issue that I need to talk about is the church that he makes us go to. it is a Christian church, but it is horrible. it uses heavy fear mongering tactics, while preaching about love. the church is also quite sexist. they talk about love all the time, yet anytime anyone stops going to church or believes something different, they will turn their backs on them. I have grown up seeing my cousins stop going to church, and then hearing my family talk about how they are going down the wrong path and how terrible it is. they act like the worst thing a person could do is stop going to church. then when someone tries to ask a question and understand what is going on, they aren't met with love. they are met with yelling and anger because they are questioning the church. this to me seems the opposite of love and understanding. then, people preach about how we are worthless and there is no other good church out there. they also have extremely strict rules that if you don't follow, will keep you out of heaven. and of course, those rules are more strict for women. we are judged for not dressing a certain way, or for even being outgoing and vocal about your opinions. I can't wait to leave the stupid church, but i know that my dad is going to be upset with me. and then I am going to have to explain why I left, which is going to be terrifying. so unfortunately, I am stuck until I move out. I don't think he would disown me or anything for leaving, but he would definitely be upset. and I already know exactly how they are going to gossip about me. and don't get me wrong, religion has done a lot of good for a lot of people. but it has also been used as a tool to hurt and control a lot of people. I was brainwashed for the longest time to believe that I had such a wonderful family, and that I was so lucky that I was born into this church. then I started to realize how messed up everything was, and how messed up my extended family is that goes there. I don't have time to get into all the details right now, but just know that it is really bad. now, I can't stand anything to do with religion. it has been shoved down my throat so much all my life, that I can't have anything to do with it. which is tough because I would love to be part of a good, loving church community, but I just can't do that right now, and probably won't be able to for a long time. anyway, thanks for reading all of this, I hope you have a great day

I'm way past the age where I can be an angsty, rebellious teen but my fucking god dude.

I've been dealing with their abuse for half my life - they neglected me as a child and basically threw whatever toy or game I wanted whenever I bothered them too much.

To most kids that sounds fun, but try not being able to even tell your parents you love them without them looking disgusted or dismissing you.

It got worse when I got older as well, as soon as I turned 18 they begun to take my fasfa money for college from my bank account and use it towards whatever they wanted. Bills? Clothes? Yep that's what it was going towards!

Eventually they even got mad at me once when I told them I'm gonna keep the money and they started demanding it as if it was their birthright to extort their only son.

It doesn't help that they basically ruined my childhood - I learned what sex was at like age 8...because of them. And I also got a knife pointed at me once by my own mother because I was being bratty.

It didn't help that they also verbally abused me, calling me stuff such as faggot, queer, loser, cunt, fuckface, etc.

This affected my childhood and teenhood by the way, I ended up being way more quiet because I was scared that if i did something wrong or said something wrong I'd get yelled at or beaten.

It got to the point where I'd actually go entire days without speaking because I was so scared of being punished.

And now that I'm no longer a minor, I can't do anything about them.

There were several times I regret not calling CPS when I was younger when they started beating me or yelling at me, or even doing cruel things such as locking me in my room, denying me access to the bathroom whenever I got a negative grade, etc.

I've been called a disappointment and mistake more times in my life then I can count - literally only cause I never met my parent's expectations or simply because I didn't see the same ideals they had.

I'm sick of it, I moved back in with them temporarily while I'm trying to save up to move out with my boyfriend. It's been a struggle to find a job since my parents refuse to network with me, refuse to help me in the slightest, and even gave me a deadline recently that I had 2 weeks to find a job or I need to sign up "for the service."

Like are you joking? In this economy? I've been applying for jobs for 3 months straight now what fucking makes you think I can just magically wave a wand and get a fucking job?

And I'll be real with you, since this anonymous. If I ever get forced to join the service I will deadass just hang myself or something.

It doesn't help that naturally, because of my upbringing, I've hid everything from them. Every relationship I've gone through, every breakup, every bit of character development I've had in the last few years they know nothing about.

So their vision of me is literally just a hermit that sits in a room all day playing games when that couldn't be fucking farther then the truth.

Anyways thanks for listening to me rant :3

Needed to get that off my chest considering I have nowhere else to really vent too...and boy does it feel good to finally air that shit out somewhere lmfao

I'm with this girl. I love her, she loves me, no doubt. We're both girls, btw. But sometimes, I feel a little desperate. I do my best to please her. Making the best choices for her, making her happy.

Doing her kinks, notably. I don't force myself, but that's mainly because she likes that and make her happy. But I don't know why, I'm always under the impression that something goes wrong when I want something, want to do something my way. It doesn't work, or doesn't happen. Must be my fault, I guess. And yet... yesterday we did something that should've lead to a big climax for me. That was something like sexting, online. There is some times when I can write her long wall of texts to make her happy. And at this moment, I realized she was doing something else, was playing to something while writing to me, with long pauses between our messages, while I was waiting for her, while I was thinking we were sharing an intimate moment. It made me so sad. She swore to pay more attention to my self-wellness. I'm ashamed to say I don't fully believe it.

There's so many times when I don't feel considerate enough... But i'm certain she loves me as much as I love her, that she does her best, and she has a lot of things to do. It's not always easy to be with me. But... can't help but being sad, not confident. Not self confident. I'm afraid. I don't know what to do. We don't want to leave each other.

Wish you the best everyone, have a nice day, thanks for reading, it helps letting out some steam.

Bye !

I feel very disappointed in myself. I scored low in my math test and usually I don't really feel this kind of emotion because I usually don't care. But these days I've been feeling so disappointed and it got even more strong because I failed my math test and my friends and classmates scored high and i felt so dumb and i feel like I'm not progressing. I feel so left behind. This may sound exaggerated but school is my life. my life revolves around it. Failing it would be my biggest fear. Math has always been my weakest point and god knows how i always try to improve it. But it just won't happen I don't know why. Maybe I'm just really dumb.

Recently I've been feeling really crappy; I've been getting a lot of headaches, a huge loss of appitite, and I've constantly felt like I was going to faint. I brought this up with my mom and mentioned how I'm probably anemic (since I've had multiple blood tests done to show that I have an iron deficency and I show an alarming amount of the symptoms), however, she just said it was because I didn't eat and I belived her. But then school started and I was getting up and down and whatnot a lot more and suddenly I'm literally fighting to not pass out in my algebra class and get trampled by the greasy football kids. So far, it's been happening for multiple days and I've also been losing sleep. My mom always blames the symptoms on things like me not getting enough exersise or not eating (both are not possible though as I live in a very mountain-y area and I have to constantly walk up steep hills at my school to get to some classes, and I HAVE been eating). It's not new either, II have been expiriancing these things for a long time, even though it's more recently they're starting to get worse.

This isn't really the only time she's done stuff like this though. for a long time I struggled with anxiety and she had said it was 'normal for my age' but when an actual doctor looked at my anxiety they said it was extremely high for someone my age, to which my mom agreed to like she agreed the whole time and only put me in therapy after that. She's also doing the same for the fact that I can;t sleep and refusing to let me go on any sort of medication for my anxiety or inability to sleep, when these are things I have been serriously struggling with since I was in the third grade. It just kinda feels like she doesn't belive me whenever I say something is wrong or ask for her help with that type of thing. I love her a lot and she's amazing, but I really wish that she would listen to me for once because it feels terrible when a doctor has to tell her something I've been telling her for ages for her to be concerned or just listen.

I genuinely can’t do life anymore

How am I supposed to like you when you yelled at me just for being excited about something? So this might seem a bit dramatic but I’m sick of my dad so much..

Anyway I’m downstairs talking about school since I start in a week, talking about my classes and supplies and just looking at my old drawings from last year. So I wanted to show my mom and get her approval because that’s what any normal kid does. And I’m talking all excited and he cuts me off saying, “what time is it?”. Uhm… couldn’t you have waited? It’s not that big of a deal but it just hurt a bit? It shows you don’t like me and don’t respect what I have to say.. I’m just a big over thinker and have diagnosed anxiety so that might be it? So I’m still talking because you aren’t going to interrupt me?? I was talking first. And then my mom replied to him saying “maybe like 1 minute.” And then I keep talking after she said that since I assumed he heard her, but then he goes “what did you say!?” Like really loud while I was talking AGAIN. So I’m obviously a bit annoyed, can’t you see I’m talking to her?? About something I’m excited about.. and my mom is annoyed so she yells “1 minute!” And I was still talking then, so he just yells at me, “I can’t hear what you’re fucking saying because (name) keeps fucking talking!” Uhmmm that hurt…? You didn’t need to yell at me so I just went quiet and walked away with my drawing and ended up throwing it out since that bothered me so much. Idk but this just bothered me because I never hangout with them and now when I do I just get cursed at.

Anyway this was yesterday and I wanted to have a nice day, make pizza and just be all happy. And I’m getting the stuff ready for it and he keeps pestering me, and I tell him to stop because I didn't like it, speaking CALMLY. But he just laughed at me so I yelled to make him take me seriously.. I don’t like raising my voice so why do you make me? Anyway. So this is when we are finally making pizzas and I’m happy because my mom’s with me for a couple of seconds just alone. And he comes over and the whole mood goes out, it’s now annoyance and thick.. like a storm cloud covering the sun. So yeah my mom finished making her pizza and I did the same. And he says, “your pizza looks really nice, can you make mine?” This is supposed to be something nice that I made up. So my mom goes, “no.” And then my dad says, “why?” In a laughing tone that pisses me off. And my mom says, “because you said it like a child who just wants his way, are you that lazy that you can’t make your own pizza?” And obviously she’s had a hard day and she nannies all the time. So he just laughs and it was a weird annoyed laughter that just throws me off.. so I finished my pizza quickly and the ovens ready, and he’s the only one not done taking 10 minutes just to do it.. when my mom and me are done waiting for him, who’s taking his sweet old time. So my mom yells at him, “can you hurry up? We are waiting for you.” And he just yells at her, “what the fuck do you mean!? I’m fucking doing it!” Uhm don’t yell at my mom. You aren’t a man. You’re just a leech. And I keep remembering vividly me coming home from school to him hitting her while she was begging him on her knees crying. Begging him to stop hitting her. She’s strong enough to fight back, but she doesn’t want to hurt him so she just SITS THERE DOING NOTHING. And the way I cowardly ran to my room doing homework on my bed through tears by hearing her cry. I’ll never forgive him, never forget, and never ever stop hating him. He’s a fucking monster and doesn’t deserve to live. If he can hurt my mom he can hurt me. And he’s hurt my dog before. He hit my dog repeatedly and that poor dog is scared of him. Scared of being hit. And I’m scared that he’ll shove his hand in my mouth again and throw my chewed up food against the wall.

So yes, I fucking hate my dad and I won’t EVER talk to him. I won’t forgive him. And I won’t tell him how I feel because I’m just a coward. And I’m scared he’ll hit me. I can fight back but I’m only 13, I can’t do much for a middle school girl. But I sure as hell will make sure he won’t hurt my mom ever again. I’ll make him never be able to hurt her. I’ll turn our family into a case on the news if he tries.

I used to try to be a good daughter for my parents, but everyday they were sending me to the edge , Im not gonna talk about details from the past ... But now all I can see and understand is that im a worthless piece pf garbage, I've been neglected my whole life , noone ever tries to listen to me or understand me , I always tried to be an easy going person , only for tem to step on me . Ppl always disrespect me at the slightest chance , in ways I would never do , and that hurts me because I try to make ppl feel welcomed and safe , but noone has ever cared about how I feel , or the fact that I have feelings, I dont remember someone asking me "are you alright" , I've been going through intense depression since i was 13 (im 19 now) , but I never done smth to deserve all the hate I get from my family , I tried to be a good person and neglected myself for that , I never go out , only to school ,never cause problems or anything , and on top of that "used" to have the best grade in my class every year , but never made me feel like I did smth good , I always wanted to hear my dad say smth nice or call me "daughter" but he never did . Now back to the present, i forgot to talk about abuse , but I've been and still get verbally and physically abused by both my parents, it's so ironic how mu dad who cant say "daughter" doesn't hesitate to call me a bitch for no reason , he who never hugged me , doesn't hesitate to hit me with metal objects and leave bruises on my skin for weeks , I just tried ... And tried to understand what i did but never knew , i feel like im going to explode, It's not fair , Im a good prsn , I tried my best , but everyone hates me , I dont know what i did , why are they treating me like this , is it because im always depressed ? Because i dont laugh or cheer up ? How is this my fault? Im both mentally and physically sick because of these ppl , thwy arch to see me fall and never get up , they wante to depend on them so they can easily let me down and break me , i just want for my dad and mo to stop hitting me this bad , and to stop cursing at me and wishing me death every single day . I never asked to be born

My daughter is just over a year and I am a SAHM right now. She has been having a really rough go lately and just wants to be clung to me 24/7. I love her and the cuddles but I can’t get anything done when I try to leave the room and she screams and cries. When she is in the same room she’s trying to climb my legs or stand in front of me so it makes cooking and cleaning a challenge. I sometimes put her in the carrier and wear her on my front but she is heavy so I can’t do it for too long. I know this will pass and she is probably just getting sick or teething again but I am just so worn out. When I try to express this to my partner he sees it as oh I’m home all day it can’t be that bad. I understand he works long hours but that just makes me feel undervalued and invalidated

I feel that privacy is a fundamental point in everyone's life, and not everyone values ​​it because it is precisely in this space where the free development of ideas can occur. Privacy is ours when there is a set of circumstances that are constant over time, and whose alteration in the future is impossible from the present, unless there is an external circumstance that prevents it, and of course, it is exceptional in nature.

I remember an aunt who didn't value privacy because she initially based her way of being on judging, of course in part, my way of being based on conversations she had with third parties. Without a doubt, I wondered why she held these opinions if she wasn't part of them. She, along with my relatives, always liked family to be a certain way, and for another, the principles they held dear to them to be maintained outside of their control, as when interacting with them. Ironically, for the former, it was one thing, and for the latter, another.

I'm very expressive, since lately I've been constantly expressing my emotions, and that has given my life an interesting twist. It's impressive how much an event can lead me to develop, to the point where I've longed, I confess, to distance myself from anything that impacts my way of life. That is, I seek to be as constant as possible under certain circumstances, leading me to the point of not seeking out relationships that lead me to new experiences. I recognize that this is why, for some time now, I've been single: the fact that I'm a person who generates numerous ideas.

I like to be in constant circumstances, and although they also generate ideas, they turn into a constant deepening of them, leading me to see things more holistically, that is, interconnecting parts of one thing and interconnecting these things with another. When an eventuality arises that disrupts my routine, that is, such constant circumstances, they lead me to break with those ties, or at least with that structuring, temporarily, of course. Indeed, I know that issues outside of routine are fruitful, however, the point is that one was aiming for a certain path and it was derailed, that's what bothers me.

I have to admit it too, I feel that everything affects me. I'm not like other people, at least within their perceptions of themselves, and of course I'm talking about the group around me. I feel things with an intensity that is overwhelming to me. It's like feeling like those individuals, within the notion I have of them, who call themselves highly sensitive people. However, on this point I prefer not to argue. Although I have to admit that perhaps this lifestyle, where I always express everything I feel, is ultimately a mechanism of pressure on myself, simply for the sake of doing this exercise, to observe every detail and take action, something my family members engaged in.

My family members were simply perfectionists. They observed everything I did and retaliated accordingly. Any deviation was worthy of reproach. For me, it stems from their high anxiety about unforeseen consequences in their environment. This is the issue that drives me to constantly express myself precisely because the events of my life have led me to encounter surprises, just when I thought I was headed in a different direction. I recognize that such an effort to stay within the same routine satisfies this need. Furthermore, since it results in a form of interaction with others given my absence, it is an achievement for me with my environment. That is, I have achieved a certain path with it, which is that they do not interfere with it. Opening up has allowed me to focus on my feelings, on what I feel, and to feel, in some way, even in the midst of this type of interaction, safe with others. It makes me forget their actions, just as they also forget the interaction they had with me. In fact, this is what has caused me, even if it doesn't happen, to avoid the spaces they frequent.

I had never before faced this reality: the reason for my loneliness. By opening up, by staying within this safety zone, I have also managed to sustain it at all costs, because with the delicacy involved in social relationships, it is easy to be left alone. That is precisely what I have sought social security because I have felt it is the only thing I can achieve with others. Indeed, the events will be varied and there will be lowered expectations, but that leads me to shelter in my isolation and protect it. That is, I carry out processes that lead me to places I know I'm going to reach, something that didn't happen before. I repeat, it's my only successful social interaction...

Living in a building is a problem: everyone can hear what you're saying in your home. From what you say or express, people can take something and use it to question you. You feel like your privacy is being invaded.

In fact, you can't carry out activities without fearing people's scrutiny. Everyone is listening to what you're saying thanks to the silence, which is invaded by the physical traces our activities leave behind. The neighbors, above all, listen to you.

In an apartment, I never know when a neighbor is listening or not, or even plotting. In an apartment, like in a house, people live with an unknown way of thinking, usually, in my opinion, without a thorough review of the structure of ideas, ensuring that such elements are descriptive, quantitative, and then qualitative. In short, you don't know how your neighbors might act based on their knowledge of your lifestyle.

Indeed, living in a building is something that produces fear. I feel like everyone knows about your life in some way. Sometimes I freeze up when people ask me questions because I don't wait for someone to be paying attention to what I'm doing, mainly because my mind is on my own. But this very lack of interest in many people—to do something with their ideas, their impulses, to produce knowledge, art, or some other aspect—is what makes them seek relief in observing others. This doesn't mean they don't stop watching the news or anything else, but the truth is, it's related to events outside their lives. Of course, this in turn leads them to tune into ways of finding control over their environment, of course, since it involves these people.

I wish I didn't live in a building, but in a house, of course, where there's distance from other houses and where nothing inside would leak out. I wish absolutely no one knew a single detail about my life, because I don't know how I would deal with it. Thanks to this, to this day, I feel limited in my activities, at least after my neighbor asked if I used something certain in the house or not, which made me feel like she was trying to scrutinize the house without my permission. In other words, I feel like she overruled me and my father's as well.

I feel like I'm writing all this because my father and I weren't given permission to conduct such an investigation. It's like feeling like my neighbor doesn't take us into consideration and has no qualms about entering the land, asking questions, or giving directions. Some might say my way of feeling is exacerbated, but I feel like this is a consequence of having delved into a space where the outside world doesn't intervene to carry out actions. It's a feeling that the ground inside my house has been shaken. I think it's because the impact is so profound that it's hard for many people to visualize the impact.

I have to say, taking advantage of this space, that since I've been in this realm of introspection, I feel things to a greater extent than others, mainly because I'm constantly allowing my emotions to flow. This makes me realize that an aunt who told me she didn't know how to express my emotions is a person who simply speaks without reason; every day that woman gets into a worse position for me. In short, this spirit has made me capable of discerning things like the ones I'm raising here. I feel that deep down we should all do this exercise, so that what we express doesn't turn us into attractive material for suggestion.

I'm being serious. Indeed, I know that things like this should be considered more or less character-based, like many others, but that is denying that everything that happens to us creates a 90/10 effect, where 90% are ideas touched upon and unrelated to the case and 10% are ideas specific to the case. I feel like this is what I'm expanding on. No one should be able to take a subject in a pleasant way from the start. That, in principle, is impossible thanks to this effect, which is also intrinsic to human beings. I feel that I have sometimes been humiliated simply for showing something that many don't like to elaborate on; they seek to expose themselves to their own cognitive functioning.

Indeed, and I must admit, I feel I exaggerated by elaborating on this regarding my neighbor's actions, as it all stems from that. However, I call myself exaggerated because, in principle, acts of reflection, expression of words, as well as the character's grieving process, are not things that are usually done; rather, it is simply a matter of simply letting it go. Even so, I say that there is an exacerbation solely because of statistics and that it does not imply that I am taking a course of action. By doing so, I demonstrate that such reactions are normal, as it allows me to align with my feelings.

For context I’ve been in my relationship for a year now and he’s always said stupid shit when he’s upset but recently he’s been starting arguments and he won’t just TALK TO ME LIKE IM HIS FUCKING GIRLFRIEND, for example last night I got home from my job at a donor lab and when I got here he was here playing Minecraft with my brother, when they were no longer playing and he got up I asked if I could sit in the recliner and he says no, and then he pats his lap like he wants me to sit on it but before I can even comprehend it and consider (which admittedly did take a second I have ADHD and just got off a long day at my understaffed as hell job. Sue me.) he just get out of the chair and says “you’re such a bitch” and when I tell him “don’t call me a bitch” he starts pouting and tells me “just go sit down” when I kept telling him not to call me a bitch because when I told him the first time he just rolled his eyes! By the end of it i just left the room and sat outside till he left. I can’t win with him ever, I can’t even come home from work and relax, god forbid I ask if we can do something I want to do he’ll either complain the whole time we’re playing or he’ll act like we only ever do what I want, which just flat out isn’t true! 9 times out of 10 I’m watching him and my brother do or watch something they want to, and my stuff gets made fun of, because of course! Making fun of my likes and interests and calling them cringe makes me feel SO included!! And I’ve told him to stop with all of this shit and he will for like, a week? And then go right back to it! And then I don’t drag him down to cuddle me within a 5 minute time frame and wait for Him to lay back down and he throws a tantrum over how I don’t love him!

I finally passes out highschool and there's like a common exam in my country where over 10k people give exams every year for college entrance. People get to study at respective colleges in respective fields acc to the rank they obtain and I just made so many stupid mistakes on my exam and I just feel so hopeless. I've really wanted to get into my dream college and over the months I know there were so many times I slacked off but at the same time I studied, I made efforts. I'd take 3-4 hour classes in the morning, try to study at home and take 4 hour online class at night. Though I didn't pay attention alot in online class and some physical classes and didn't study some days, there were days I made effort, paid attention to class and my results will be here tomorrow and I just feel so shit. I became so demotivated during my last moment and got distracted and ended up studying nothing even though I've always wanted to make efforts..... I just hate it I hate it so much, I feel like I'm the only one who did my exam shit. I feel so shit and I really want to give up. This means alot to me really, people just take this as a light joke but to me it means so much so much to the point I feel like running away and giving up. What about my efforts that I made, why does it have to go to waste. Why is life so unfair, I just want to be happy, it just sucks so bad right now.... I really feel like giving up........

A Home That Doesn’t Feel Like Home

Lately, I feel like my own house isn’t my safe place anymore. Ang ingay ng sigawan at away ni mama’t papa, parang wala nang pahinga. I thought after losing kuya and mommy, they would see me, take care of me, hold me a little closer. For a while, they did — but only for a short time. After three months, they went back to their old ways. They knew my triggers, they knew how much their fighting breaks me, pero parang wala lang.

When I got sick, I just wanted to be found. I left my door unlocked hoping mama would come in, sit beside me, ask how I was. Pero when papa told her to check on me, she answered coldly, like caring for me was a burden. Masakit marinig na parang wala akong halaga.

It hurts even more because I help her at home. I wash the dishes, I clean, I do my part. Pero kahit gano’n, mas maalaga at mas sweet pa sila sa pinsan ko, kahit hindi naman siya nakakatulong sa gawaing bahay. Ako na nga yung gumagawa, ako pa yung parang hindi nakikita.

That’s why these past weeks, I’ve been cold to them. Parang mas gusto pa nila yung pinsan ko kaysa sakin. They don’t realize how much it kills my spirit when I give, give, and give, but I don’t feel cared for in return.

I feel so fragile. I miss kuya, I miss mommy, I miss the way they made me feel safe and loved. I just want someone to take care of me, especially when I’m sick. Pero sa halip, I get sharp voices, cold answers, and the feeling that I’m too much to deal with.

Sometimes, I just want to leave this place. Ang hirap tumira sa bahay na parang hindi tahanan. I want peace, I want love, I want to breathe.

And maybe they’ll never really understand, but I know this: my pain is real, my longing is valid, and I deserve the kind of love that doesn’t make me beg for it.

Even if my own house doesn’t feel like home, I’m learning to carry myself and be my own safe place.