Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 7

what the title says. i was over the fact that she had a boyfriend, but having this memory adds a whole new layer and reignites the fire. it's a very very deep emptiness in my chest and i feel like a total manchild reacting so much to this. please don't give me advice on this it's totally just me venting and coping with the feeling

I’ll never shake away the pain

I close my eyes, but she’s still there

I let her steal into my melancholy heart

It’s more than I can bear

Now I know she’ll never leave me

Even as she runs away

She will still torment me, calm me, hurt me

Move me, come what may

Wasting in my lonely tower

Waiting by an open door

I’ll fool myself she’ll walk right in

And be with me for evermore

nothing helps it doesn't matter how much I talk about it how much I journel how much I distract myself how much I treat myself how much rest I give myself how healthy i eat how much water i drink how much exercise I get how much I surround myself with people I love or how many times I call the hotlines. everyone gives the same advice "take small steps" "healing takes time" "just take a quick break or try a breathing exercise when it feels like too much" a breathing break isn't gonna help me maybe it wouldve three years ago but idk what I have but its not just what's happening around me its something fudemently wrong with me. no matter how good I have it I'll find I way to ruin it or make myself feel bad. it takes so much effort just to make myself function semi properly, to just exist. i cant tell what's wrong with me and at the same time I know. maybe its too many things and I'm just not sure which one, or maybe its none of them. I mean this cant be because of what's happening around me bc only one baddish thing has ever happened and it was basically my fault anyways. I just cant accept the fact people might acc like me and I know everything I'm scared of and hate about myself and do is irrational but it doesnt matter. this isn't somthing I can fix and its harder and harder every day to deal with it. I'm realizing I should've gotten help a long time ago, because now when people tell me to deal with it maybe I used to be Able to but I just cant anymore. every day I'm waiting and waiting every day even good days I'm dealing with it. I cant tell what I'm missing and if my problems are serious or not but if I don't get help that actually helps soon I'm just gonna end it. I'm tired of waiting for something that isn't coming. its never coming.

So around last December, me and a friend were sitting around a fire and the fire wouldn't stay lit so we decided to go to a bar. Well, I didn't feel like changing clothes bc I was comfortable, and it was cold asf. So I went out wearing my plush pajama pants and a Columbia fleece jacket which probably wasnt the best idea😂 well we got too the bar and we were playing pool and my buddy bumped into this dude behind us, and when he did it made the guy miss his shot. So the dude was not happy at all he turned around and pushed my buddy. So being the friend that I am I walked up and pushed this guy too the ground, and when I did one of his buddies came up behind me and uppercutted and grabbed and was squeezing tff out of my balls all at the same time. Until I went to my knees and when I got down to his level I remember him saying in my ear while still squeezing and twisting my balls "oh your boys are nice and fuzzy".Which i mean the pants are soft asff but there were so many people around. Including girls lol that heard that, and it was humiliating. I couldn't do anything but hold my inner thigh and hoped he let go. Well, it went on for about 30 more seconds. That's when i felt something pop and he let go. I instantly got to my feet, limping but walking. My buddy helped me walk out of the bar. I remember being sore and not being able to close my legs for a week. My gf still doesn't know about anything when she asked me what was wrong. I just told her I rolled my ankle bc she kept asking why I was limping. What would be a good way to tell her about this embarrassing situation?

Hello, right now i’m in a very difficult period of my life. There’s a lot going on and if you’re willing to listen, i want to thank you for your time. Please note: I will talk about mental illness, sexual assault, divorce and

I’m a woman, turning 25 next month.

In 2015 my mother cheated on my father, I was 14 at the time. To this day, I regret telling my father what happened, but I thought and still think he deserved to know.

They wanted to divorce but stayed together, my father begged my mother to stay because I was depressed and he didn’t want to make it worse. That is why I regret my decision back in the day. But honestly, I think that was just an excuse, because when they tried again. I was left alone most of the time while they went clubbing, dinner, anything really. I’m an only child so it gets really lonely. Luckily my attempts failed because I’m still alive.

After that in 2023 my father cheated on my mother. They’ve been fighting a lot lately and I’ve been their “love therapist” they are fighting constantly and honestly, I don’t think it will ever work out now. They both fumbled.

At my previous job, I’ve been sexually assaulted. Unfortunately this is not the first time—that happened when I was 20.

So at my previous job I’ve been sexually assaulted twice. I’ve been called racial slurs which is also not okay, definitely not okay, but for me it’s bearable. But after being sexually assaulted, I’ve been afraid. At that time I had a boyfriend, and I felt really guilty because I couldn’t be intimate with him anymore and I knew it bothered him.

Since then I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been actively searching for jobs, yet I keep getting rejected. I know I should keep going and don’t lose hope, but getting rejected over and over really did something to my self esteem. Even jobs I’ve done before and have 3+ experience of, didn’t want me. I’ve applied for almost anything from restaurants to warehouse to office jobs to opticians and more. Right now I’m at that point where my social anxiety is really bad, picking up the phone has been very tough after I applied to jobs—resulting in me sabotaging my opportunities.

The worst thing is, I know what I have to do, yet I can’t make myself do it. I’ve been trying really hard.

My grandma has breast cancer, my aunt has two tumors in her head, and my now ex boyfriend was an alcoholic. My other ex cheated and used my money to gamble and the one before gaslighted me telling he would kill himself if I would break up with him.

I’ve been thinking of ending it, but I won’t. Because I can’t bring my parents more sadness than they’re already going through.

Just now, my recent ex and I had a fight. He was drunk and said a lot of things that hurt me. And since I’ve had a bad day already, that really pushed me over the edge—I relapsed. I feel guilty towards myself for giving in. I feel guilty by thinking of suicide. But I won’t give up yet, I want my last memories to be happy, before it’s time for me to leave.

Thank you for listening about what happened, these were moments that have scarred me the most and I struggle with the most. I wish I could go to therapy to work on myself, but it’s too expensive since I’m still unemployed.

Please don’t be mean to me, because I’m really not that strong. Thank you.

—S

(I didn't know what category to put this under initially, so apologies in advance if this doesn't exactly fit.)

Heya. I'm Spike (or at least this anonymous persona is lol) and I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like these feelings and behaviors are exactly the same as last year, but I swear I changed since then! I thought I had moved on with things, that I had figured it out on my own and was doing a-okay... Right?

Well, apparently not! I can't work consistently and I don't know why! Sure, I do various assignments throughout the day, and I get stuff done, but it's never enough... And I try to be organized and make plans for things, but it all ends up unraveling.

The reason for the title up there is tied to this thought I had a bit ago, which is: what if I want to go to therapy? What if, by some random chance, Spike wants to have a blank slate, a complete stranger, to just talk about all of Spike's problems. Is that so bad? In theory, no, it isn't. But because of that darned thing called capitalism that makes the world go round, I can't afford it. And I know my parents can't afford it because I'm too money conscious. Go figure.

So that's just great. Hooray for Spike for ending up back on square one. Yippee...

And another thing, cuz I'm just ranting now, why does the whole therapy thing have to be so complicated to begin with? I mean, you've gotta find a person that you can pay for, they have to have some sort of baseline that you and them can stand on but that's hard enough to find in this crazy world, and on top of it all there are those therapists that while qualified, don't belong in that sort of job, which is just a mess to deal with. And I haven't even been to therapy yet, so I don't know the half of it.

You see how messed up Spike is and their problems are? What's a Spike gotta do to get help here?

im in those moments where I'm trying to sleep and suddenly a very embarrassing thought from the past surgers from hell to torment me, so i decided to write

when i was in highschool, an old friend of mine got in the same class as me. her cousin was also there. he was very quiet and lonely, quite like me. i started asking this friend about him, claiming i was very INTERESTED in him

for the record, i am autistic asf and barely know how to interact with people. or communicate. when i said i was "interested" in him, i meant that i found him interesting and wanted to befriend him, that we could be alike. she 100% assumed i wanted to date him.

i managed to make it worse somehow. since starting a conversation isn't my biggest ability, i started to leave candy on his desk. yeah. romantic right? well, silly little me DID NOT know it was romantic, and didn't mean it that way. giving little treats was something that i did and still do when i want to get close to someone. but yeah, everyone saw the gifts and thought i was REALLY into him.

was the guy pretty, at least? yeah he was. he was quite a pretty guy, almost girlish pretty, i gotta admit. and unfortunately i did admit it to my friend when asked about him. "compared to the other guys here, he looks really good". i kept digging myself further.

it wasn't until near the end of the year when i realized what I've done. everything i was doing led to people thinking i was head over heels for the guy. sometimes when i looked around, he was already staring at me. i suck at eye contact so i just looked for a second and then looked away, like a highschool love story except one of them did not realize it was one.

well, the year ended thankfully. we graduated and never saw each other again. yeah, I haven't seen either the guy or that friend in a while. and tbh, now that i sink into this embarrassment, i don't think i want to! (good thing I'm a total shut in now...)

i assume(and hope) that the guy did not develop any feelings for me. in fact, im afraid he got weirded out at most because, damn, i would be scared of me if i was in his place. hope he's doing good now.

no "confessions" happened, my friend didn't make fun of me for too long... it's just the horrible feeling of embarrassment that decided to torment me at night. i pray none of them remember my existence. bedtime now folks, thanks for reading!

Im going insane. Im losing my mind. I am over complicating everything. My head is full of all these negative hateful awful feelings about people in my life and i know that its my brain projecting stress and irritation onto them and they havent done anything. I know that. Yet still my head is full of these awful thoughts and im just so upset. And i keep talking about it to people and i actually need to shut the fuck up because i am going to make everyone hate me because im talking about it too much. All the good things in my life are like drowning in little ittt bitty bad things. There are SO many good things in my life. So so many more happy exciting things. But then these little things that are upsetting me are just burrying those good things. But its all my fault everything is my fault. My problem. My actions. My ignorance. My choices. My procrastination. Everything is on me amd how my brain works and what im doing and saying or not doing. Im really really fucking tired.

It is currently 2:30 AM and i have an essay ahead of me that I am still yet to write. It's not because I forgot about it - it's all I have been thinking of this day, but for whatever reason, I'll get side-tracked any time I start doing it. It's almost like I am allergic to getting work done. I always make an effort to do it, but it's almost like I make a counter anti-effort in a burst of inspiration for literally anything else. I feel awful writing it, and wish to be doing something else, which is why I am always doing something else instead. I'm past the point of being mad over this, because this isn't a first occurrence, instead I'm making the calculations that.. yeah i'll get a maximum of 2 hours of sleep today. Headaches, here I come!

Uh hi, hoping this will send? I'm Robbie (dw it's a nickname) and go by he/him.

I just realised I don’t trust my therapist anymore, if I ever did.

My parents sent me to therapy for my self destructive coping mechanisms June last year, and even then we never even adressed my coping mechanisms. She (my therapist) once asked awkwardly if I was still doing those, and I wasn’t at the time, so I said so, and now I never mention relapses.

I’m afraid to tell her I’m depressed again since I only got out years of depression this April (cause I got myself outta an ensmeshed traumatising friendship) so it’s bad for me to be depressed again, to still have bad thoughts,

I’m afraid my therapist will judge me, more than she does already when for example i mention I’m a positive nihilist,

and I mean therapy was useful until April cause I always vented about that “friendship” and that helped but it doesn’t help anymore when my therapist brings up H. (the past friend) these days, feels like im being retraumatised when I hear their name.

Guess I should be thankful I even got a trans accepting therapist in the first place, I mean it was my therapist who convinced my parents to accept me as trans after all these years of them not accepting it. Ugh idk.

These days each session my therapist asks me how I feel, I say “fine if a bit stressed” she asks how I’m feeling about H., I move on swiftly and move onto the subject of what school drama I’ve been involved in recently makes me angry, give that I’m finally able to feel anger as a emotion for the first time in my life nowadays.

And look, I lie a lot, and my therapist doesn’t realise, I’m sure she realises some of it, but not all, not when it matters, and yes i suppose i should stop lying but I fear her judgement so much.

So yeah, these days I feel like I'm back 3 years, meaning that I'm navigating my mental issues all on my own, and luckily I'm doing so in much healthier ways than i did three years back, But still, it's lonely, and it feels unfair to me that i have a therapist, one that Ive had a year and a half and yet I dont feel able to address actual issues with her anymore. I feel i havent been able to address any actual issues with her ever since I cut ties with H. I mean, Maybe i was never really talking about myself, I was always talking about H. back then, H. was my life, and I suppose I never learnt to actually talk about my issues after H.

And now every session therapy feels like a waste of time, as I'm lying half the time, and otherwise talking about mundane stuff that i just bitch to my friends about anyways. And my therapists office is so far, it takes about 3 hours from my day each time i have a session even when the sessions are only 1 hour. And I've got such paranoia and fear about wasting time because of some of that trauma involving having been enmeshed with H.

“supposed to be an adult, but fuck it, i need a minute” — tate mcrae, revolving door

if there’s one think i’ve learned from being a synthographer (or ai artist, as many would call it) for 4 years and counting, it’s to ignore the mean comments that people throw at me. but honestly, it feels like i’m not learning my lessons here. especially the case of sora 2.

seriously, when sora 2 came out, i feel so ecstatic about it. anime now actually looks like anime. videos feel more lifelike. some people even share japanese commercials on youtube. it’s amazing honestly.

problem is, i can’t go to youtube or reddit or pretty much any social media without someone ranting about how sora 2 videos are soulless slops that shouldn’t have existed in the first place. i’m so sick and tired of it, especially that i have to summarize it because why bother going thru it when all they’re saying is toxic and abhorrent?

i can’t even open the comments too for the same reasons. i can’t bear all the words and topics they’re throwing around, not just criticizing sora 2, but pretty much any ai-generated work in general. “ai art isn’t art”, “ai is bad for the environment”, “ai slop”, “clanker”, “we should kill the ai artist”, my god the list goes on. i could even build a receipt or a poster series from all this if i want to. this made me hate people a little bit, even if ironically i make anime portraits with character descriptions in them.

all this constant doomscroll of anti-ai comments and posts left me wondering: am i back to square one? there are times where i work on myself so that i can create again without judgement from the peanut gallery, but i kept coming back like a revolving door. it’s so fucking exhausting. i can’t enjoy anything i like without someone criticizing bc it’s “ai-generated.” i’m living in a constant battle as a synthographer where i always tell myself: fuck all this man, i need a minute.

it made me think about quitting something that i love over the years too. it’s like they’d be happier if i just don’t share my works or erase myself from existence. i can’t take this anymore.

It took place yesterday, so I since calmed down. This is what I wrote yesterday in the comments of my story so that I could update y'all on this situation. I wish there was an update feature so that we can update the stories directly ^^'

I did my best to tell the story as accurately as I could, despite how emotional I was. If it ends up not making sense, I'm sorry.

Thank you to the people who took the time to read the first part of my story. I was already trying to heal myself on my own from my issues since I was young, but the comments I got made me realize that my comfort matters too. I have a habit of letting things stay as is because I don't want to bother anyone with my needs in fear of being selfish or conceited, but I know this is harmful to me. Thank you guys for helping me take a step to regaining my space.

It's daytime and today, my mom somehow decided to stay in my room to eat her breakfast while I was chilling in my room on my computer, which made me a bit uncomfortable. My stepdad tried to propose her to go back in her room since he's not using it anymore, but she refused, and that was it. Even if she was done with her breakfast, she stayed. I tried to endure it, but the discomfort kept being there, so I eventually tried to tell her get out of my room politely and calmly a few times. She kept refusing. It came to a point where she told me she was going to get mad if I continued to ask her. We ended up getting into an argument, with her calling me selfish and blowing up at me and me crying and blowing up at her as a result to me not feeling heard. I tried explaining to her that it's been since my teenage years that I let her use my room with me to sleep and that I just want the room for myself, at least for the day. I even pleaded and everything. I now know it's not the best way to try to communicate my feelings, but in the moment, that was the best way I had to try to get my point across, but she didn't take it well. She took it as me kicking her out of my room, and because she's paying for the roof, she won't get out.

With the commotion, my stepdad checked out what was going on, and with me screaming, I tried to explain to him what was going on. I didn't think I'd hear him say it, but he said that he understood where I was coming from and that I really just wanted privacy. (I'm surprised because I heard him saying, while he was on the phone with one of his brothers, that he hugged one of his relatives on purpose because they were uncomfortable with his presence). However, my mom kept calling me selfish for it. I screamed back at her as a response, again, because I didn't feel heard. She told me that she would get out if I apologized to her for telling her to get out of my room, and I retorted that she should apologize for calling me selfish. My stepdad tried to reason with me, saying that she surely understands, that she didn't call me selfish in bad faith, that she's going to get out, but to me, that wasn't the case. The only reason that she got out was because I mentioned how she was using my deodorant. I was trying to prove that this is not the only instance of her calling me selfish because of me trying to calmy tell her to not do something. The arguing kept going to the point that my stepdad had to get out. To do something else or to get out of the conflict, I don't know, but with the screaming matches that I was having with my mom, I understood.

We kept arguing a bit more, and I eventually tried to tell her again to please get out of my room. In her own words, she wouldn't, because she doesn't take orders from me. And she didn't. For at least 10 or 20 minutes, I was on my bed crying with my mom sitting next to me. In that period of time, I texted my stepdad "I told you, she wouldn't listen, she didn't get out". He eventually came in, saying that he won't go back to his words and that he would be sleeping on the couch and that my mom would sleep in her room. My mom tried to interrupt him by the way, but he kept talking and didn't let her get a word in while he was saying that.

Now she's out of my room, but yeah. To summerize, I now have my room to myself, but in the process, my mom yelled at me, and I said some hurtful things too because I was frustrated I didn't feel heard by her. With how emotional I got (still am), maybe I am part of the problem in this household.

I don't want to be here anymore. if I'm being honest. I want to lay down in bed and never get up again. or be killed in my sleep. I just cant take anything anymore tbh. whats the point anyways? I'm gonna die anyways. I have no real reason to stay alive.

yet im not sad. Not anymore. I go out and eat do shit on my own. I have social circles, people i talk to, but i get this feeling that at the end of the day my path is the one that strays. If my path comes across with yours, so be it, but im not banking on having anyone on this path with me. Sad? Sometimes. Tragic? Depends. Liberating? Depends on you past experience. Am i enjoying it? Sure, but at this point idk if its cause im used to the crippling loneliness or if i have truly changed for the better.

And i actively defend this lifestyle from people. I be going out at 2 am gettin burgers on my own, and i tell people i be hanging out with people. Whats with the lie? I suppose... i no longer have hope that people will understand.

Ironically, im putting this out there just to be seen.

I am conflicted what to do how to do it, so im not enjoying inside my family and feel like i dont belong, im strongly considering leaving them behind but idk if its worth it with the implications that come, i think i got trauma off them but i dont think its so much of a excuse, yet when i respectfully tried to talk about it i get shutdown, not sure if cutting them out is selfish or im rightful to it, ur guys thoughts please