Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 11

The past few days It's been a bit harder to follow through with my habits and i haven't made much progress. And i felt stupid for messing everything up again. The past 2 days i've been trying to get back on track a bit. ( I've been Trying my best not to doomscroll and replacing with sketching + trying to reach my step count)

But not really sure If i'm getting anywhere with that. The first month of summer Is over and i'm not sure If i made any real progress. Or if maybe i'm doing well enough. Or fast enough. Or i'm doing the wrong things. Or Maybe i'm not even worth trying to fix stuff to begin with. I kept having dumb arguements with her the past few days one after the other. Honestly i feel like she does It on purpose sometimes. And i tried to ignore It, i try to make my day better and cheer myself up and be positive but i think she's right. I am selfish. I am stupid. And It's true that I can't really care about anything. I ruin and waste everything every single time no matter how much i try and want to treasure It. She's right. I'm just like him and i'm a bad person. There's really no point in trying to change anything if i'm evil to begin with.

I keep talking to a friend I could trust on Discord after a grooming incident, and then I see so many notable members of the community I tried to be successful in finally get all the roles, but I’m left in the dust thanks to a groomer.

Which got me thinking

That groomer HAD a game that thankfully didn’t reach popularity but the fact that it got any sort of following is baffling to me.

Which got me thinking

I tried to be successful for 3 years, always failing thanks to some asshole. How are they still big and popular, especially with how they indirectly but still blatantly led me to the groomer because I needed help with art, and I tried replacing each person that betrayed me because I was desperate?

It’s called cheating. Everyone has the rights to share their creations to the world. Hard effort doesn’t matter as long as it comes from the heart and as long as people give others their time to shine. People that harassed me might have heart (may be a black one but my point still stands), but the latter? They did not help me at all. Begging for free art is bad, but NOBODY told me it was unacceptable kindly. They passed it off as “oh you’ll get them next time” or “I don’t talk to [slur]s like you.” I wanted help after a community dumped me previously. I since then apologized for any behavior, but the scars still remained, and now they’ve reopened after the grooming incident. Funnily enough, the groomer is STILL in that site and is even friends with an admin.

Cheating should get you NOWHERE in life. How did they cheat? They took advantage of a rookie artist with a young soul. Most people did poor jobs explaining how art truly works and instead dumped me by a single mistake, leading me to find someone, until I found my then best friend and turned out to be a manipulating asshole. I’m still left in the dust with no niche and forced to start over while these so-called “veterans” got a following through cheating and manipulation. Their art might rock and they might have a good sense of humor, but they’re not worth it if their heart is so locked up and sadistic.

Even though one person is already pending consequences, I really, really want to cancel them so hard they’d feel depressed for their sorry ass life of touching children instead of grass and leave the internet forever. I can’t say the name however since “it might ruin research” but that shithead really deserves it, and I want zero trace of them ANYWHERE. As for the people who had led me to them, I want the same punishment as that groomer. Directly or not, they were still taking advantage of me and leading me to the groomer. However, I do think the groomer deserves more than just a life sentence for even talking to me at my lowest.

Another thing is Discord. I've been doing a decent job handling my schedule on Discord, keeping it around three hours, and it feels good to finally have a friend I can talk to every day, but I'm also worried about something. Is it really Discord's fault?

How do I go about all of this while still keeping the research? Are the people that indirectly led me to the groomer also at legal fault due to immorality? Am I supposed to use Discord to attempt to get friends and keep sharing my art with them if research is still ongoing? Is revenge like this really justified considering it was prolonged? My parents want to sue Discord for failing to keep me safe, but I believe friends are more important than being a millionaire. What do I do?

Sorry in advance for my bad English

People often told me that they wished they had my parents because im allowed to do so much stuff but in reality, im not that happy with my family at all. If I were to make a top ten of things that make me happy, my family would be at the bottom.

Sure, they buy me stuff, are kind of supportive in my choices but I don’t feel safe or comfortable enough to be myself. I hide clothes I know they’ll judge me on, don’t show them the stuff I make or things I’m passionate about because i know they’ll laugh at me or judge me for it.

For example, I recently went to a concert and had a very beautiful outfit. I was too scared to show them so I didn’t until he got home from the concert and their reaction was just like expected. They told me it was lame, that I looked ridiculous while all I wore was a dress with some tights and a headband. I didn’t get it. I missed the fun I had at the concert and my friends and it instantly ruined my mood. I cried after that.

At school, I can be myself. I show my friends all I’m passionate about and I don’t feel pressured to hide things. My teachers are very nice, I tell them a lot too but when I get home, I want to go away again. I didn’t wish I lived another life, I just wished I had another family.

And please don’t tell me that they’re just trying.. that parents get tired too or get angry sometimes too because it’s not sometimes it’s everyday and it makes me tired and sad. I don’t remember a day where I felt genuinely happy to be home.

Sorry in advance for my bad English

People often told me that they wished they had my parents because im allowed to do so much stuff but in reality, im not that happy with my family at all. If I were to make a top ten of things that make me happy, my family would be at the bottom.

Sure, they buy me stuff, are kind of supportive in my choices but I don’t feel safe or comfortable enough to be myself. I hide clothes I know they’ll judge me on, don’t show them the stuff I make or things I’m passionate about because i know they’ll laugh at me or judge me for it.

For example, I recently went to a concert and had a very beautiful outfit. I was too scared to show them so I didn’t until he got home from the concert and their reaction was just like expected. They told me it was lame, that I looked ridiculous while all I wore was a dress with some tights and a headband. I didn’t get it. I missed the fun I had at the concert and my friends and it instantly ruined my mood. I cried after that.

At school, I can be myself. I show my friends all I’m passionate about and I don’t feel pressured to hide things. My teachers are very nice, I tell them a lot too but when I get home, I want to go away again. I didn’t wish I lived another life, I just wished I had another family.

And please don’t tell me that they’re just trying.. that parents get tired too or get angry sometimes too because it’s not sometimes it’s everyday and it makes me tired and sad. I don’t remember a day where I felt genuinely happy to be home.

I’m currently sat at my mates and I feel a panic attack coming on and I don’t know what to do and my tics are playing up and I did want her to know so I’m js sat here trying my best stop a tic attack and I don’t know what to do can sm plz help me xx

Idk how to say it but trigger warning: suicide??? forgive me 😕. No category fits this so I just picked the closest. 4 years ago, I lost my sister due to her taking her own life, I remember the day very vividly. And at first, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t cry a lot and when I did it felt fake. Everything was strange for the next few weeks, just walking past her room and seeing she wasn’t there in her room on her phone or doing whatever, not having her sitting besides me during car rides, not having her bothering me every day. Even with still having my parents and brother, it still felt like a huge, really big loss. Everything felt quiet and empty, the house, going out with my family. Nothing felt the same anymore, my parents were depressed and I guess I was too young to notice. I was angry at her for that, how she made my parents feel, what she did and how it affected all of us. Maybe my age at the time was what made me so numb, or maybe I just haven’t processed it. We moved out some months after what happened, my parents couldn’t bear living in that house anymore. I began going to therapy because my parents made me go, I didn’t like it and never wanted to go. It took me like 1-2 years to finally begin feeling sad with her absence. I cried and my anger at her vanished and instead a deep feeling of guilt and sadness began to take place. I thought of what I could’ve did that caused what happened. And that guilt inside me began turning into a deep hatred for myself because I felt and thought and really believed that its my fault that it happened. I hated myself because I think I was a bad brother to her and that I couldn’t see details or anything that would have let me know how she was feeling, or maybe I did see them, and just didn’t pay attention to them. The hate for myself made me want to die, it’s made me hurt myself. It really hurt and I feel stupid now for doing that, but back then it felt like I deserved it. Those 4 years later, im older now, even older than her, finally some beard began growing and some moustache too, I got a broader chest and I’m finally taller. Now I hallways have a serious/neutral face, not looking like the happy kid I was before. There’s a family portrait in the entrance of my house, including my sister in it. Whenever friends that I haven’t known before it happened see it and ask who’s that. I never have anything to say to that. If I say my sister, they’d ask where is she, if I say someone else they’d ask the same thing. I just ignore the question and hope they don’t pry further. Something similar is when people ask if I have siblings, I say 1, which is my brother, but it feels wrong not saying 2 anymore. My family is still affected deeply by what happened, its not the same anymore and never will. My mom feels like it was her fault that it happened, some people even blame her for it, but I don’t. She’s really one of the best moms anyone could have. I don’t know how bad or well my dad is doing, he’s more closed off and I feel bad for not really checking on him or my mom. Now I regret not taking therapy seriously, it was a really good opportunity my parents gave me, the therapist was so nice and I didn’t take the opportunity now leaving myself with these unhealthy feelings instead of probably moving on and maybe being better. I began dreaming of her, dreams where she was still alive, or that instead of her actually taking her own life it was just a failed attempt and that we got her help and everything turned out okay. Every time I woke up I would cry, begging to god and praying it would be reality. I look at her photos every now and then and damn, I see what a beautiful person I lost. I look at my hands and just can’t believe that these hands once held my sister. I just look at myself in the mirror and just wonder how different how life would be like if in my place, my sister would be here. She was smarter, she was a better person, she’d be in a better place Im in right now, living better than how I’m living right now, maybe these fights with my parents wouldn’t have happened, maybe they wouldn’t be so stressed. Maybe the room I have right now would look better if it was her room. Maybe if I died instead of her, my parents wouldn’t have felt so bad like they did with my sister, or if I just died or never have been born she’d still be alive. I still go to school that she was in, which me and my brother have also always been in. I see the teachers that also gave classes to her. One time a teacher recognised me as her brother and asked me how she was, with her not coming. To avoid being asked anything more, or having to be vulnerable, I said she’s okay and nothing more. It made me quiet and pensive the rest of the day. I don’t blame him, no one really knows apart from her close friends and mine. It’s hard to bottle up how I feel, I would say it can become physically tiring. I suppose it takes a toll on you, I couldn’t handle it one time. I just broke down at school, crying like a baby. I have friends that helped me through it, and the counsellor at school helped me too. She called a teacher that knew me and my siblings too really well. I was surprised at how nice she was because when I was a kid I thought she was mean. But I really have to thank her for that hour long talk I had with her. I remember seeing the expression on my parent’s faces later that day, they seemed worried about me. I almost went back to therapy but I refused for some stupid reason. I’m not sure why but it wasn’t really talked about later. Now, like really now, present day, nowadays, I feel differently from how I felt back then. I personally would say I’m better, I’ve finally gone abroad which was my dream since I was a kid, I’ve grown up now and I don’t have to lie about my age just say I’m at least 13+, I’ve met new people which are actually pretty cool, I started playing football (American football) and turns out I’m pretty sick at it, I’ve taken an interest in drawing and even though I suck im going somewhere and most importantly, I don’t want to die anymore. I still feel bad because of what happened and I still feel that guilt and I blame myself for what happened. Ive vented to people and that helped a lot. I’m a bit proud of myself for being able to take some steps to move on and live better. Just now I noticed how much I wrote 😬, I haven’t even seen other posts on this site so I don’t know if this one sticks out like a sore thumb but idc I vented and I really needed it. I don’t think lots of people will read all this, but if you do, hi!!!!!!!!! And thanks.

This is one of my diary entries:

I feel sick. I hate my body, I hate how I can't stop myself from eating. I hate how I'm not athletic. I hate how my face looks weird. I hate my eyebags. I hate my tummy. I hate my tendency to laugh at everything. I hate my phobia of bugs. I hate my house. I hate how my bed dips everytime I sleep. I hate how it always feels like bugs are crawling on me. I hate my bad eyesight. I hate my yellow, crooked teeth. I hate the way I walk. I hate my style. I hate my tendency to complain. I hate my allergies. I hate how I feel that I am an outsider. I hate how I feel like everything and nothing at the same time.I hate how much I'm scared of people. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I doubt God. I hate. I hate. I hate. And yet, I believe that there is things to love. Not in myself, but the people around. Maybe someday, I'll get a big hug from someone, and they'll tell me that they love me. It'll be warm, and fuzzy, and tooth rotting. I want that. I want what everyone has. I'm envious. I crave freedom. I crave friends who spam your phone. I crave friends who text you at midnight on your birthday. I want what my friends have. I know it's wrong, but it feels so right to resent people to make yourself feel better. It makes me feel a little bit better. Not really, but.. ugh.. i can't find anything to say. If you find this, I'm sorry. So, so sorry. I'm just a whiny, fat, ugly teenager. Sorry.

We'll refer to my parents as parent 1 and parent 2

I was raised Half Poor and half upper middle class. My parent divorced before I could remember so that never bothered me.

I was Raised with the first half of my adolescence with parent 1, Parent 1 was poor and had other kids, though I was spoiled and became rotten; often lashing out at people close to me, even traumatizing animals, and using suicide threats to get what I wanted. I got so bad to the point where Parent 1 threw me away at a police station for Parent 2 to take me instead.

Parent 2 was cold, insensitive, and upper middle class.

When I moved in with parent 2 I was filled with dread(maybe foreshadowing i suppose). for awhile things were bad with parent 2 as they where with most visits with parent 2, but then things got a little better, parent 2 started seeing parent 3 and seemed to be a little happier. At some point parent 2 promised they'd be a better parent, those words engrained into my memory. . .

Lies.

From then on things got worse and worse. Parent 2 with parent 3 had new offspring, and with each new offspring I was seen less and less. I became super neglected, with only punishments as reinforcement and the occasional gift, though the gifts for the new offspring where often more extravagant and meaningful, though even they where neglected; so you can probably imagine how little attention I got. At some point I actually became suicidal, often when in company of parent 2. Every time I raised a concern or tried talking to parent 2 I got shut down or yelled at. One time I was punched in the face for teasing. Parent 2 snapped my phone when calling the police. I felt trapped. For awhile I carved cuts into my skin to work up the courage to end it all. it goes on.

But now, I face an issue. I have not love in my heart for the Parents, infact love is alien to me. whether i forgot what it feels like or never felt it, I'm not sure. So how do I tell my parents I don't love them.

Human moment.

you were too young

when she clawed her way in

taking over everywhere

whispering everything you think

entering you into the purple tornado of your thoughts

you pull the blanket over your head

trying to block out the noise

all the ideas of pain and blood

slowly following you under your shield

making it harder to breathe

restricting you

you were too young

when she stole your spark

leaving you lifeless and sleeping all day

leaving you with just raw emotions

you were too young

for all the shit she made you think

all the shit she made you do

all the self inflicted pain

you were too young

when she clawed her way in

you were too young

you were only 11

I came on here to vent about my parents... while I'm 15 they are in there 40s... I feel like their therapist... they are having trouble in their relationship and I'm the only child left in the house while my 2 older brothers have moved out now we find out we've most likely been hacked for years and my dad getting a stalker and I'm stuck in between it and I hate that whenever I get upset I have to get shouted at! like we had to get a new Wi-Fi router because of hackers and stuff I mentioned earlier and my dad resets it so I cant even message my friends and it happens everyday for 10-30minutes maybe even longer I hate being stuck in between there relationship issues. they don't realise they make me feel suicidal. I cant handle it anymore I just want them to go back to normal and my mom being jealous of my dads stalker because they suspect its his ex from 13 years ago

Ok the title sounds so cringe 😭 BUT IM A LOSER TOO BRO. I am not typical wanting a bf bc of my looks and just stuff in my home life kinda. But like idk I guess I would want someone like me. No friends kinda odd. And I rather want a ROMANTIC relationship. Like I would consider online but theres pedos and the pressure of face reveals and a lot of problems. This is lek just a rant

when I was 9 I started doing sh, My dad kept comparing me to others, making jokes about my appearance, and saying rude things to me. He has anger issues and keeps threatening to punch me, slap me, or cut off a limb or two to keep me from leaving the house when I make him angry. I was tired of him at the age of 9 so I started to do self-harm as a way of punishing myself and coping, I couldn't talk to my parents. I don't trust them, when I decided to do sh I cut the front of my arm and it's back until it reached my elbows. I remember crying and wishing that if I told a my dad or mom, they'd comfort me instead of thinking that something was wrong with me. my dad eventually found out when I was 10 and he took pictures and sent them to my other relatives and I felt humiliated, he asked me why I did it as if the way he treated me wasn't enough for him to connect everything so I lied about the reason. after he found out I stopped for a few months and he and my mom never said anything to me, just why and what did I use? he never confronted me or tried to comfort me. neither did my mom, I've been clean for a year and 19 days now but I've been getting urges again. my dad still threatens me like that and sometimes he Pretends to choke me and shake me with his hands around my neck as a joke and I feel uncomfortable, but I can't bring myself to say that since he'll think im just playing along. I love my parents, but sometimes I wonder if they even want me here.

It’s been 2 weeks since classes started and I’ve just been bombarded with activities, tests, more tests, group activities, quizzes and even more quizzes!

Im so overwhelmed, like wdym i need to manage 8 groups in 8 subjects? I don’t wanna have that responsibility.

Home is supposed to be the rest place right? FUCK NO. At home im asked to do chores, tasks and manage 5 animals?? ARENT THOSE YOUR PETS?? Why did they suddenly become mine?

“You barely do anything at home!” DAWG?? IM TOO OVERWHELMED TO DO ANYTHING. I NEED TO SCHEDULE WHAT SUBJECTS TO DO FIRST BECAUSE OF THIS DAMN CURRICULUM.

I HOPE that I’ll eventually get used to this fuckass schedule because im so close to genuinely jumping

Anyways! Byes 😛

Like spending that school year alone. Ig I’m starting to understand myself? Going to a new school in sept suprisingly 😭 idk whether I’m gonna make friends or just stay alone but tbh I kinda want to be alone. Or rather I would want to be pursued like with the whole friends stuff since I started school like I’ve tried making friends but yk people got their friends and can’t blame them for not trying to make new ones. But like my time sitting alone I wish that someone could have just walked up to me and asked if we could be friends and we do infact become friends. Ig u could say I wanted to be rescued. Also w online friends like I try to always look for that people but why can’t they look for me. Rn I’ve started a gc for people w no friends like me but I’m really doubtful that they actually got no friends. Well that’s kinda the rant dk how this correlates w life being good but I’m hoping I can actually be happy alone. Well for my new school I’m honestly not going to try making friends, I am not looking for anyone in real life or online it’s always kinda lead me to disappointment. But maybe i might find someone who actually looks for me friends or bf?😭 but tbh I fear my only problem like lek I’m still scared of like idk being perceived bc in my old school like I sat alone and people passed a lot I felt tensed. I’m tryna avoid that at my new school so I’m gonna have to find a place I can relax. Any advice on how to not care no matter how many people are passing?

Ok so has anyone had relationships where you just go like romantic stuff? no sexual anything (apart from kissing ofc) bc like idk why but anything entirely sexual is really starting to irritate me 😭 but is that even possible in this day and age? Especially with teenage boys minds now 🥀 like the vids I’ve seen are so oddd