Friendship Stories

I have two friends in this story, I'll call them X and A I guess.

yesterday, X seemed to be mad at us and ignoring us (like, getting really ticked off if we even looked at something behind them). We both thought it was just because they were tired and whatnot, because they have openly said it's usually how they act when they are. But it just seemed like they straight up hated us from a lot of the (kind of petty tbh) things they did (block us from the story we were all making, stuff like that) and it kind of scared me.

both me and A are autistic (I'm more hyper aware while A has a lot more trouble with social cues than I) so sometimes we miss it when we do things that hurt our friendships and other kinds of relationships. We have to ask people what we've done wrong in order for us to find it and fix it, but a lot of times people like X take it the wrong way and think that we think we did nothing wrong when in reality we want to take acountability, but just have no clue what we've done and need help finding it. However, with X we can't do so when they're trying to be distant from us because it triggers them to say something sarcastic or even rude (we have talked to X about this before, I'm not sure if they were really listening or not in the moment though)

Yesterday, while they were doing all that I unnintentionally went nonverbal whenever I was alone with them because I was honestly very scared. I have no clue how to comfort or help people, and when X is like this I never know what to say because even asking if they're okay or how their day was just ends in them saying sarcastic things and ignoring me. At some point they began talking to me again, and at some point they mentioned how I talk too much and how it's annoying. In that moment I kind of wanted to just break down because for the past few months I had been going nonverbal and not talking a ton a lot more (due to a lot of people talking about something related to my trauma without really knowing) so it felt really hurtful. And even before then I only said things I thought they found funny or enjoyed.

This morning, I woke up to messages in the groupchat with A and X. A was infodumping about one of his biggest hyperfixations and seemed really exited. Then, X texted "this is why I hang out with (person) more lately, this is all you talk about". And while I understand how it can get boring to hear the same thing constantly, it just didn't really feel right. I guess A didn't pick up on what the message really meant and started joking around and messaging random pictures (both me and him cope with jokes, I'm just not sure if A picked up and started joking around to cope or just overall didn't pick up).

I'm not really sure how to feel. X is my childhood friend and they mean a lot to me. I worry every night that something bad might happen to them (as everyone in my friendgroup is very mentally unwell) and cry myself to sleep thinking of a world without them or any of my other friends. As much as I think I might be overeacting, I'm not at all jealous of the other friend that X wants to hang out with. it's more of I can't stand X being mad at me and not knowing why. I want to be able to fix it but I'm really really scared to ask due to how X has reacted many times in the past (stuff like this has happened a lot, for most it was over really small things like me missplacing something, but I still understand these reactions) and I'm really scared something might happen to them or A. I've almost relapsed because of how stressful it all is after being almost two months clean, and I haven't seen my therapist yet and won't be able to talk to them for another four days.

At this point though, I'm questioning if this friendship is good for either of us. If I'm doing tis type of stuff without knowing and they don't want to tell me/A then I don't think that they should stay friends with the both of us as it may be hurtful for them. I really wish them all the best though, and I wish they would tell me what I've been doing wrong. I could have missed a lot of stuff from that day though because the previous night was really horrible and I hardly got sleep. I really hope that they tell me because I want to talk to them again like we did before. I'm really concerned for them but have no idea how to help them because (A) I'm not a proffessional and could make things worse and (B) anytime I try to they ignore me and get sarcastic. I really want to help them, I just don't know how because they're going through a lot and have a lot of undiagnosed dissorders that affect a lot of their life because they're untreated.

I also have a hard time explaining to A what most of X's comments and such mean. For example, A will be randomly talking about something they like and X will hit them with the "Nobody cares". A will completely belive they're joking (because thats what their relationship has been up until a few months ago I guess) and X gets really annoyed.

Another thing that X does when they're mad at us is misgender us. They'll still be okay with working with us and such, and seemingly be OK with us, but then they do this. I don't think that even they understand, but this really hurts. Both me and A are transgender, and for me personally because of how long I've know X, they were the first person I told. I trusted them a ton with the information and belived that they would be Ok with me being transgender. Over time though, I've regretted telling them. They still have my deadname saved for all of their contacts, and will openly see me as who I used to be while everyone else (even the people I've known since preschool) sees me for who I currently am. X also does the same for A, which is really annoying considering that they were outed and unnaccepted about a month prior. Exept for A, X will outright use his deadname during conversations plus the incorrect pronouns whereas it only took them about a week to get it right for me, and they've known me a lot longer (three years). both me and A are very dysphoric and are very open about it to X.

At this point, i have no clue how to approach or help X anymore because as much as they talk about me and A not caring, when we try to help them and ask how they're doing all we get is comments like "I'm fine, what do you think." and when we try to use a different approach to help we get similar comments. I've been trying to give them room to be themselves, but they keep shutting down thoughts and ideas that aren't their own. they also make fun of us, but whenever we try to match their seemingly 'playful' jokes they ignore us for the rest of the hour.

Both me and A also have a hard time socializing "normaly" which is also what X is more used to. X also became a lot more different when they started spending hours watching shorts, and from what they've sent me in the past they're on the 'offensive memes' side. I know whats over there and I know it's only a matter of time before they become sexist and such (they already are in a way, they'll block girls specifically just because they're 'ugly'). I honestly can't tell the difference between wether something they say is actually offensive or a 'normal' joke.

Also, both me and A are open about things that would be important to the freindship like how bad we are at social cues (specifically A) and triggers and whatnot (so is X).

No clue how I wrote that much, and I'm pretty convinced I'm overreacting. Just needed to get that out I guess, thanks for reading that all if you did (I don't blame you if you didn't thats like eight paragraphs, not even I would read it all tbh).

so I was just like sleeping in band class right? I wake up, and my 'friend'(are we even still friends? I dunno) takes the stand in front of me. out of curiosity I look to the stand next to them and go 'what about this one?'. they explain to me that it was broken and we leave it at that. however they'd been sort of purposefully avoiding talking to me{?) and so I ask 'hey are you mad at me?' pretty obviously I was scared, due to being brought up in an environment where everyone was mad at me all the time for no reason and caused me to have heavy people pleasing tendencies. then they started going off on me about how I always think people are mad at me and blah blah blah. thing is, they KNOW about my home life. but like they're being nice to all the other friends they abandoned me for. so I dunno.

I have been having a hard time recently. I either get along really well with my roommate or we argue. And just know she was talking about doing something irrisponsible, so I told her what I thought about it, and then she said in a somewhat mocking tone 'um respectfully, have you done this for five years, I didn't think so, you don't know what your talking about.' so I said fine then don't talk to me about this stuff then. We are not good roommates, and we never will be, we are complete polar opposites.

But I feel angry, frustrated and upset all at the same time.

How do I keep peace? Cause I can't even politely ask her to do something without her getting mad

Ive thought about her a lot lately. I wonder where she is and I hope she’s happier now. But I just have so many regrets, why didn’t I try to contact her the year after she moved? We were so close, I had known her since kindergarten but I just wanted to act like I didn’t care. And maybe thats the problem, we’re all trying to act like we dont care and that nothing bothers us. Maybe thats why she did what she did, and maybe if someone showed her they cared she could be enjoying the life she deserved. Why can’t we just show the people around us we care. I miss you I really do. How can I ever really live happily when I know I didn't help her at all and now she's gone?

When i was 5 we moved out to a cottage shared by 4 families ( we were friends and yes, there were 4 dif houses) me and those kids had such a grat bond, like when i fought with my mom i would go to their house and stuff. well some years later my dog died and they were the ones to help me out with that as well. After some time, our parents had a fight so we had to move out, so we couldn't speak, after a month it was my birthday and i invited that family at my party . turns out that my mom never actually send the invitation... when i found out i imidiately called the youngest friom the family wich i had the closest bond with and spoke to her .. i couldn't stop crying on this cal... and then after MUCH begging she came over at mine, that was the best day of my life... let's say now we went to church with my school and her school was there too. i asked my teacher with tears in my eyes if i could go say hi and she said no.. then she asked hers and se said yes.. when she came to hug me i started crying and the hole church was looking at me but i really didn't care at all and that is probably going to be the last time i ever see her..

bye I'm leaving for the sake of my old friends

bye

this is mainly to p but b too, I've been a terrible person recently and there is no excuse for my sh!t (srry for my word choice) if u have read my other stuff yk if not it's ok. I don't know why im destroying everything and breaking my greatest friendships. b im so frickin sorry for putting u through more sh!t and drama for no freaking reason, u didnt deserve it and I'm glad u and p are talking again :P and p.. I'm sorry but we both no sorry never fixes it. I should have been better, I've known u practically my whole life and I threw it all away because I could take the fact that ur human too and that u struggle as much as I do. Its probably weird for me cuz I've only seen u the crazy child id vibe with :D school has been stressing me and life which doesn't make it any better. if you cant/don't want to try and rebuild our destroyed bridges that's okay but if you are willing to I'd try to fix what's lost slowly, just know ur not alone even if you feel u are, I'm always around watching to make sure u are okay, like we use to say "HEYYY POOKIEE" "JUSTICE FOR PLUTO" "hEy...DidD yOOu WaSh YouR aSs ToDayie??!" I love u and I'd walk through hell and back for u and b both..

I hope by now u know who p is and I hope you know who b is cuz ik they are both here on IIWIARS

have a good night my children :) I hope y'all have a good day tomorrow for what u can<3

People, family, friends even strangers always tell me to open up to people about my struggles. I used to oblige to it, but i always, ALWAYS feel so guilty after.

How? Well, if i vent to someone that has “worser” experiences than me (literally EVERYONE), I’ll end up feeling guilty. It’s like i’m just adding up to their problems because of them knowing i have such issues.

Im not good at comforting others either, maybe because i got so used to distracting my self or just using other means. Every time someone vents to me, i just use silliness to comfort them. Using jokes, a combination of emojis and just slang words.

It’s kind of pathetic of me to even use an anonymous website to vent all this out, i feel kinda bad for sharing, it feels weird.

Its kind of hard to explain by words, since as i said i gotten so used to just bottling my struggles up to not be a bother. But i tried my best to describe it here.

hi I'm fox(19 female)

so about 1 years ago I joined a youth group for lgbt teenagers, there I got re-acquainted with a friend (firefly 21 male) I met 5-year prior. a couple weeks later he some of his friend(butterfly 21 female) & ( Hound Dog 21 male) joined the youth group . I'd seen both of his friends before but had never really talked to them , anyway we all became a friend group. that summer I got particular close to butterfly and I realise I really liked her and I wasn't sure if she felt the same way until, firefly told me he absolutely believed butterfly had a crush on me as well. so we went on flitting for at least 9 months. one day I was planning to meet up with her and talk her how I feel, so a week before I sent her a message as her if she was free to meet up, she didn't answer me for 2 months , of course after 1 week I asked the others if they had heard anything. Hound dog, said he hadn't heard anything, but firefly said that butterfly was just going through somethings and didn't really want to talk ( of course this hurt me a bit but anyway). over the next 3 months firefly keep reassuring me that it had not to do with me. in the 3rd month firefly eventually, told me and butterfly that we need to talk about because it was "effecting his mental health " ( side note I understand that this was a complete normal response if I had been as him question but he was the one who would ask me if butterfly had text me back. )

so butterfly and do have a conversation about it. from the conversation I understood why she didn't text me back. I had still have feelings for her and firefly knew this. so one day he said I don't think she ready for a relationship. which made sense until, not even a full month later he released he had feelings for butterfly. and they got into a relationship.

so I bit my tongue and pretend it didn't bother me.

now you maybe wondering what did Hound dog think about this hole situation. he completely agree and supported me. (side note: Hound Dog and firefly are no longer friend, has for me and firefly, well that complicated, you see firefly is the type of person who you feel like he'll get himself killed at any moment so I still want to keep an eye on him. ) so now comes the reason why I'm writing this,

2 day ago butterfly opened up to me about how she didn't feel good about the relationship and that she felt really low in energy when she around him.

for any you want to know yes I still have feelings for her but I'm suppressing them

So my question is what do I do?

if you have any questions please ask and I'll try to answer them in an update or in the comments.

Am I the problem? I've been asking that question all day. Every time I feel like I'm helping/trying too or protecting/caring for my friends/people it seems to never work or I cause problems more, more stress and more drama. Sometimes I don't even mean to hurt I'm just trying to fix things

maybe it some weird thing I do but every time I do something I think/Be live is right or helping it doesn't seem to work out and in the end I lose people more or I end up making wounds bigger and deeper. I've lost friendships and relationships to my "mess ups" so I get hated or hurt myself because I don't mean harm, sometimes I can be a lot but really all I want to do is heal and care for people, maybe I'm to "helpful" maybe I "cause the drama" maybe I'm not supposed to help and maybe I'm meant to be something different. I want to be happy and help others find the joy I found but maybe I've got it all wrong maybe people don't need me or want help and maybe I'm trying to fill some void that's been empty for years.

in the posses of "helping" You end up losing more than you "gain" overall...

To anyone who knows me/finds this. I'm so flipping sorry for trying to be something you don't need. I'm sorry for making it worse. you can fight me, hate me, say whatever you want to because clearly I'm meant to have a different story then I thought.

ur thoughts?..

Dear me,

I see you in Math class right now, trying to ignore all those annoying loud kids. I'm doing the same thing. Math class is such a bother right? Anyway. Enjoy marching band today! I can tell you can't wait to see Kiara!

I know, all the friendgroup drama is getting you down. You feel like you're unimportant, like nobody likes you. But hey, that's not true! You have Amelia and Johne, and Kiara too! They all love you. Even if some of the others don't.

You just gotta learn to love yourself, that's what you gotta do. That's why you started 7Cups. So you could learn to love yourself. Make sure you keep up with that, by the way. I have the feeling it'll really help you through the clouds of your depression. And if [the other two] start to recognise your vents here on IIWIARS, you can switch to The Void.

Hey, you'll get through this. As I tell you in all of these letters, you'll be fine. Sure, some of the others hate you, but when high school comes, you won't have to worry about them because you'll have made new friends. Keep your head up.

I'm proud of you, you know. You've been dealing with this better than what I'd expect from most. You're actually trying to get better on your own.

You are never alone, you know. You have Amelia, and Johne, and Kiara. Whatever Emma said about you, whatever Bowie thinks, it doesn't matter. Because they don't define who you are. Only you do that.

You got this,

You

They said it themselves.

I'm hated.

The scapegoat.

The one who can't just grow up.

The drama queen.

The attention seeker.

The one with the anger issues.

The one who starts everything.

Who gets mad when people try to help.

But when will they see that that's not who I am?

Who I am is a broken person.

The one who is always crying inside. even if I can't do it on the outside.

The one who wishes in vain for things to get better.

The one who knows she's misunderstood, but will never be understood.

The outsider who just wants to fit in.

The one with no real friends, or so it seems.

The one with all the scars on my legs from the nights when everything seemed hopeless.

The broken one who needs to be fixed.

The girl who can't get by.

The girl who is hated becuase nobody knows who she is.

Nobody knows who I am.

The talk behind my back.

They call me "drama queen" and "attention seeker".

They call me immature.

They call me an asshole.

Nobody likes me.

Because they don't know me.

So my friend is mad at me because I refused her help. She said I got "mad" when she tried to help me, which I DIDN'T. I just said "I don't need help" and that was it! But now, she's over here, talking shit behind my back! LIKE IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH ME, SAY IT TO MY FUCKING FACE. And someone I THOUGHT was my friend is just taking her side. Ok, maybe I've been a little bitchy lately, but that's because I have things going on in my own life. If you cared to ask how I'm doing once in a while, you'd know! I'm actually about to fight her. She wants me to "grow up"? Yeah. I will.

So recently my 2 friends have been having drama problems or whatever you want to call it, one is just acting quite and struggling mentally which I get (we will call them B) the other one is kinda all over the place, has anger issues and as my mom says " attention seeker" and " starts drama" (we will call them P) lately they have had "issues" B has been more quiet and distant from P and P has been rude, ignoring B and just weird and toxic. B has vented to me and P has, I tried to give advice to P but they got all mad when I told them they ignore people to sometimes. They got all pissed and said "I only ignore people who ignore me" and they walked off saying "I'm done with people" I've dealt with their drama for awhile and honestly I was done. If I'm being honest nobody actually likes P like literally me and a friend (M) we're in PE outside and just venting to each other about how ridiculous P is and how they need to grow tf up and stay out of people's relationships and stop making things Abt them 23/7 like literally. And yes ik everyone struggles and maybe I'm getting the wrong idea but after awhile u start to see and notice peoples true colors and for P I have, I'm no longer friends with them or associating my self with them cuz they have done too much and I'm sick of caring for them when they don't give a crap and get all pissed at someone who wants to help and care for them. I hope p doesn't come crawling back because all I'ma do is say "Maybe you should grow up for once and maybe, MAYBE you will get somewhere in life." But for now I'm enjoying life and hanging with B now! I forgot how much fun they are and how much I missed hanging with them before P and their other friends came around. I just hope things get better and I hope P grows up because we are about to go into highschool and I can promise you nobody is going to like her btching around 24/7

MY STUPID "FRIEND" IS DEATH STARING ME. HE'S BEEN DEATH STARING ME ALL DAY. IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT HE WON'T TALK TO ME HE ALSO HAS TO LOOK AT ME LIKE I KILLED HIS DOG OR SOMETHING. WHAT DID I DO. WHY IS HE DEATH STARING ME.