Friendship Stories

I love lying to myself.

“It’s for me, so I can be happier!”

It’s for him, because I didn’t want it to become toxic.

“I’m not mad!”

I’m pissed, but with myself.

“It’s ok. I don’t care anymore. they’re all in my past!”

My hands are shaking.

It wasn’t you.

It was me.

It was all me.

I’m right here.

Can’t you see I’m waiting?

I took too long.

I ventured to far.

While you were waiting.

So does that make me the monster?

Does that mean I’m in the wrong?

I was the problem, hiding all along.

M y h a n d s a r e s h a k i n g .

If I could take us back, if I could just do that

And write in every empty space the words “I love you” in replace

Then maybe time would not erase me

If you could only know I never let you go

And the words I most regret

Are the ones I never meant to leave

Unsaid Emily

(Clive)

You know exactly who you are. and who I am.

Sapphire is confused. Cartter’s just himself, but honestly worse. Bax is indifferent, they never had any particular affection for anyone they knew. Mushroom has no idea what’s happened. I’m generally indifferent, you never were anything to me. Allen locked front, he doesn’t want to deal with us anymore, but I managed to get him to let me out for a bit. Aether just doesn’t care, he was tired of everyone calling him “unc” anyway. We gained a new one, Carlos, who thinks Allen could’ve handled it better.

(Sapphire)

Clive’s right, I am kinda confused, I don’t know why Allen did this. I just hope… nevermind. Allen wouldn’t want me to say that, and neither would they, I suppose… Cartter would say something, but he’s a little angry with Allen, and trying to hide that anger. What me and Clive are trying to say is don’t be mad at ALL of us, please. This was all Allen’s decision. But… he is happy with his new friends, and glad to see that you guys seem… generally still happy without him, at least on the outside. He read all your posts, and he’s… understandably shaken (I am choosing my words SO CAREFULLY here and still failing at keeping my head cool). His exact words were, “Nothing like going through your ex’s vent posts about you… I feel like an asshole. Probably cause I am, but… y’know.”

Soo here's the thing i was just minding my own buissness when my mind started to overthink and now i want to get it out of my mind people have said to me and i too think that i am really sensitive because i take every sentence into consideration every word their expression what they meant behind it one time my friend no 1 asked my other friend if he could roast me just for fun a few jokes he took a look at me and denied saying i will cry that hurt i just sat there and did nothing like wtf and i used to fight with my bestie everytime she ignored me or talked to someone else now wait before you think i am crazy i am completely fine with her talking to and sitting with someone else but lets be real besties sit together right so i think she was tired of me at that point of life because we are ok but then she swapped my bag with someone else's beside her seat and i said dont do this but she did and we had a huge fight that day . I cry easily in arguments and fail to keep my tears from flowing out i want to be alone but then i hate being lonely now i am trying to keep my emotions in check but i don't think i have gotten better

a note to someone, who I wont mention by name

I'm not even sure they'll see this

you leaving has affected us all

filled us with hatred, remorse

I've stopped eating full meals

started farming attention from anyone and everyone

"I wasn't enough for you"

you were everything to me. and you threw it away and insulted me in the process

but I cant bring myself to hate you

cant bring myself to let it go

I'll stay here

waiting

waiting here

waiting now

waiting

for you

ok?

I feel since becoming a mom, I am more socially awkward in mixed company. I’ve always been social but have really changed in the last year. Mostly because I don’t have much to discuss other than typical baby stories, which I know not everyone is interested in; and that’s ok. I get overwhelmed by the news and social media so I’m not too caught up on the latest. A sweet old lady from church has come alongside me and has really been helping me spiritually. She hosts small gatherings at her house every month with the best layout and I always enjoy myself (I go baby-free). She really has a heart for hosting and everything is so lovely. Lately, I have found myself not really talking to anyone at these lil parties. Not to make it a “high school cafeteria” scene. I think it’s more me. It’s a laid-back environment with other ladies and I can never seem to hold a conversation. I feel myself get awkward and my brain goes blank. I need help. What are good questions to keep the conversation going without having to turn to “how are the kids?” What can I ask when I feel a lull in the conversation? I have had small talk with many of these women before so I would really like to have a “deeper” conversation than just “I’m fine and you? Oh ok bye.

I'm in my last year of middle school and since 5th grade I've been friends with these two girls which i love so so much and I'd do anything for (I'll call them girl 1 and girl 2 from here). Since this school year started we've been the perfect trio but for some reason they keep pushing me away. I did confront girl 1 (i feel like she would understand more because she went through this in the past) and she did say she's closer with the girl 2, but that she still likes me a lot, as her other friend (important is that at the time i also had a crush on her but i got over it). For a week it was great again but after that it happened again and i was pushed aside. I feel so awful when they talk with eachother and all i can do is stare because they are seatmates. Anyway, I've tried hangung out with other people as well, which i think makes it a bit better, i was a total outcast and now there are more people talking with me, but i still feel shitty and selfish because girl 1 is going through way more then i go through and i feel like i just look for attention. I try to leave them behind because all they do is hurt me and fortunately I'm leaving for high-school in less then half a year in another city, but i also feel like crying everytime i see them not talking to me even though i am right there as well. (Also i am doing much better for a couple of weeks now because my boyfriend is the sweetest guy ever and he helps me through this)

I don't know if this is the right place to talk about something like this but I need to get it off my chest and I don't want to emotioanlly burden my other friends by talking about this - as I've already talked to them about this and I don't know what to do about it.

Since December I've noticed one of my group of friends getting into really bad habits; more specifically with alcohol and marajuana (even more specifically, weed pens/vapes). I'm fully aware that I'm not one to throw too many stones in a glass house (not sure if I'm using that correctly) as I've tackled the same sort of problems they're experiencing, but have reached a place where I am able to do it recreationally and have a healthy relationship with it.

Where I'm from, THC and HHC have been banned, so now smoke shops are selling weed pens with really strange chemicals - I think the one my friends buy are called HHZ or HHX?? And alcohol is, of course, very easily available in most shops. Because of this accessability, my friends are buying weed vapes tri-weekly and drinking on weekdays alone. They seem to have no problem with this.

It also seems to me now, that every time I hang out with this group of friends we always end up drinking and it is exhausting. My house is also used as our main 'drinking spot,' which is putting a strain on me and my father, whomst I live with and does not appreciate the company when he has work the next day. Last week really broke me. We have a groupchat and one of them asked if 2 of them could come over to my house after they had watched a movie in the cinema to drink at 11pm. Are you fucking kidding me? I wasn't even invited to the fucking cinema and now you want to come over to my house just to drink? Am I a fucking dive bar??? Fuck you!

I never really had a problem with the weed pens either until the new HHX/Z shit came about. I myself used to smoke weed pens when they were still HHC/THC, but stopped because I was noticing that I wasn't right mentally and figured I should stop for my wellbeing. I'm worried that this is going to hurt them in the long run, especially since one of them that smokes them is in a difficult major in college and I'm worried about their performance.

Also, this seems relevant enough to throw in here, their humour and perspective on things has 'devolved' for lack of a better word. The way they talk about certain things just seems so childish and I normally wouldn't mind but sometimes it really bugs me, I don't know. And I can never talk about things that I'm interested in, and I fear that I'd get laughed at if I suggested something like "Hey, let's go to an art gallery/exhibition" or "Let's go to a jazz bar" even though that's a completely normal thing to do once in a while that doesn't involve liver damage or whatever. I know this because whenever I try to plan something new for us to try, a recent example being us going to a variety of new upcoming artists in the city, the plans always seem to conventiently fall through. But it's ok! Because there always conventiently time to go to the same fucking bar we always go to instead that have cheap drinks that get you drunk quick because why bother with something new and exciting when you can just get shitfaced!?

I feel guilty for facilitating this, but I don't know what to do. I've always had a hard time saying no but despite that I try my best to set boundaries, telling them 'no' straight-up when they ask to come over just to drink. I fear that if I voice my opinion, it will come off as a sort of 'mightier-than-thou,' since I've made it known that I've cut back on my marajuana and alcohol use over the past year after a particularly nasty bout of substance abuse following a break-up. I've talked to other people about this, but they've never given me any advice to remedy the situation - and I feel bad if I go to them for the hundredth (hyperbole) time with the same issue. I don't know. It's nice to scream into the void here instead of bothering anyone, but maybe that's just me.

I met a guy 2 years ago online. he sent me a voice message first and I just sent a question mark. Then we started talking and talking he was a cute guy and made me laugh, I sent him some videos and he sent me some. He once even told me he would take me to the amusement park so we could have fun like kids if we were in the same city (We both were teens). as we talked he recommended me songs. He even sang some

(ignore if I have mistakes, English is not my first language). Things were sweet and cute. I had family issues back then like now so he was the only one making me smile and forget about bad things, so yeah I got attached to him. I was texting him in my fake account so I had another girl in my profile. after I trusted him I sent him a picture of myself and told him that I am actually this. he was even sweet then, he told me he can help me improve my style -We've talked about that too- but I got stressed and blocked him (I wish it stayed like that)

Later I couldn't forget him so I texted him in another account I created and we talked there too. I told him I was sorry for suddenly blocking him etc. he didn't see anything bad in that and accepted me but told me I shouldn't fake myself. (yeah fair enough). As we talked things got a bit out of hand. because I always sent him a photo of me I liked. one day it even came to being s3xualized. I don't remember how but we came to that topic. He wanted a photo of my chest (I'm so sorry if these are triggering you, please don't continue) I was reluctant at first but I fucking did it. Then I deleted it. and I thought he didn't have the photo anymore too. Later the days he told me we should do s3xting and I refused. and he said it wouldn't hurt. i obviously refused him again. Then he sent me the photo I sent him a couple of days ago. (Yes that one). Clearly threatening me to share it around without saying anything. So I just wrote a paragraph about how I trusted him and how I wanted to be near him but how he disappointed me. and I logged out of the account. after a couple of days I logged in and the chats were still there and he didn't even block me. Instead he had even video called me after the paragraph. I panicked and just deleted all the evidence and the account there. I am grateful that I didn't use my actual account because I think he could've threatened me to send it to my parents. But I still hate myself for that I should've known that he was a bad person and I should've kept him blocked from the first time. He is now mature and keeps living his life while I think and rot here again and again. he even makes some small contents and dubs. It just popped in my feed a couple of weeks ago and I don't know.

I did some research and I should've gone to the police. but I don't even have any evidence. and I just let it go like that. even after 2 years it still haunts me I've never told anyone about this I just wanted to vent here

You arrive when the world goes still, when the dark makes room for honesty, no matter how carefully I spent the day avoiding your name. I replay the moment I changed everything with a few trembling words. I rehearse my confession the way others recite prayers, not for forgiveness, but for punishment. Your expression—kind, careful, already closing, has become a permanent fixture in my mind, and I study it as though it might eventually explain what I did wrong beyond loving you too much, too openly, too soon. You did nothing except remain who you were. I was the one who mistook safety for promise, proximity for permission, friendship for a future that existed only in my heart. Now I lie awake stitching together memories, wishing I could rewind myself into the girl who loved you quietly. When loving you only hurt this much in my dreams.

I would like to start by saying I am a teenager, and I understand that that could bring some judgement to my story, but I feel that it is necessary for accurate comprehension and feedback. Also, disclaimer, I tend to ramble, but I will try to keep it as brief as possible, but there will be much backstory. Starting at the beginning, about a year ago me and this guy I liked and was kind of friends with started texting. We'll call him Alex. At first, he was just asking why my friend, we'll call her Eva, had been teasing him and I and if it meant anything. I dodged the question and we agreed to pretend it didn't happen, but later that day he texted again asking about schoolwork, so I jumped at the opportunity. I had liked him for several months, and had been considering doing this, so I suggested sending each other trivia questions to prepare for knowledge bowl. After that we just hit it off. When I tell you we texted 24/7, I mean it. Any time we weren't busy; it was constant. It really screams "screenager" but we were obsessed with taking to each other. And it wasn't your basic teenage texting, like "hey wyd" and stuff like that. We had playful conversations, deep conversations, just really started to get to know each other, going from one thing to the next and filling any empty space with trivia. I know him better than his parents do. It wasn't too long before he became one of my best friends, if not #1. And I told him this. However... we were not great at actually interacting in person. It was always pretty awkward, especially since we're both socially awkward people in general, so in person interactions didn't happen all that often. But the second we got home, things started rolling again. It may seem stupid and a dumb childish thing, and I agree, but honestly seeing each other just made both of our brains fry. But we really did try. About 3 months into this, we finally admitted that we liked each other but decided not to put a label on it because we were practically incapable of talking face to face. So we continued as we were, best friends and constant virtual companions that flirted and knew they liked each other. After another couple of months, mid summer, things started going downhill. I was dealing with family stuff and it was really hard on me so I resorted to pushing him away. I told him things weren't working out, and we didn't talk for 2 months. It was a hard time for both of us; neither had truly lost feelings and his mental health went way down. (He had had a history with mental issues that I was not entirely aware of at the time) Once school started up again, Eva became besties with Alex. (in her point of view, Alex says he never thought they were that close) I'm going to be honest, I may still hold this against her a little bit. She's one of my best friends, and she thought it was okay to start texting and always talking to and talking about him. It got to the point where Alex was practically all Eva's mom would talk about. But she claimed there was no interest there (she was being truthful, both ways, but the friendship still hurt) To be fair, he was the only person she knew in that class, but it got excessive. Eventually, though, Alex started asking Eva about me and I was definitely asking about him too, and one day she told me that Alex said he never actually stopped liking me and missed me. This broke me because I felt the same. So, Eva made the decision to force us into a group chat to talk. It went really well, we started talking like we used to again and worked everything out. Same stage as before though, "more than friends with potential for label". Alex and I got way better at interacting in person, and he, Eva, Eva's new boyfriend Remy, their friend Erik, and I all became kind of a friend group. To shorten it up, Remy was booted after not long. Alex and I finally decided we were ready and became official. To give you a time frame, it had been 9 months since we started talking. (oh and for the record, we had started saying "I love you" a month before we were official, which seems backwards, and I probably seem dumb and naive for saying this but we really do love each other) Anyways, not even a week after we started dating, he found out his parents were divorcing. It hit Alex really hard, and his mental health dropped, badly. As I said, even when he was really young he had issues with depression and suicidal thoughts, and everything pretty much skyrocketed. Here's where I stop the buildup and get to the conflict between Alex and Eva. Alex had had recent issues with her trying to take all my attention, but it was a pretty minor thing. Other than that, Eva had been very persistent ever since they became friends to get Alex to open up to her. He is a pretty closed off person and is slow to trust. She pushed and pushed and wouldn't let up. I understand the want to help and have people open up to you, but I also think it is important to consider boundaries and trust. Anyways, she eventually slowed down on the pushing. However, when the divorce first started being a thing, Erik and I told Eva that he really needed his friends' support, but she basically said she didn't have the energy to care or deal with it right now. I'm going to try to sum it up. Alex was really upset about this and decided if she didn't care he wouldn't care about being her friend, Eva felt that this was unfair and that she had tried so hard before and was always there for people and just needed a break. This is where it rooted, and more problems sprouted from this. Erik liked Eva but she didn't like him, but she was definitely doing things to lead him on then would just cut him off completely, and Alex used that as another reason to pull himself and Erik away from her. Among a few other little things. Eva still believed this was unfair and she didn't deserve it. And In full honesty, Eva really is a good person and a good friend. This went on for a little bit, Alex being cold, Erik being indecisive, Eva feeling betrayed, and me trying to keep everyone happy. Eva would ask Alex why he hates her now, and usually he would avoid the question, but eventually he gave in and started listing things he hated her for. Eva was really hurt and called me saying that he was a terrible person and yada yada yada. It was really hard for me to be on both sides of this, because I really did see both of their points. And especially hard since I was also trying to help Alex get through the divorce and not let the mental issues make him do something stupid, if you know what I mean. But I ultimately leaned towards Alex's side of the conflict. Eva and I are still just as close of friends, and I tried to be there for her while she was hurting and felt like everyone hated her, but she could tell and was upset that I was moreso taking Alex's side. As of right now, Alex and Eva hate each other, Alex tried his best to avoid coexisting with her and when he has to, I'll admit he makes some unnecessary comments, which I talk to him about. Eva hates Alex and won't admit it but I think she's judging me for staying with him. She gets passive aggressive when I spend time with him that could've been spent with her but she tries to pretend she's okay with it. And it's not like I always choose him over her and ignore her, that's not the case. As for Erik, he is still friends with both of them. I think both sides have valid points, and both sides have the support of people I trust. Sometimes I'm worried I should feel bad for staying with a guy that treats my very close friend like that, but I talk to him about it and ask him to be kinder, and considering the points leading up I really am not sure if he's in the wrong for that. Also, just as an explanation, I included all that backstory to explain I wasn't just going against one of my closest friends for "some guy", because to me he's so much more. I'm trying to balance two relationships with people that both mean the world to me but hate each other.

I don't have a personality, its like my whole self is built up on my friends and they hate me for it and tbh I hate myself for it more

My friend and I have known each other for a few years now and I have known her boyfriend before they started dating and that was when we hanged out with mutual friends. I noticed after they settled down together that she is very open sexually towards me and even makes her boyfriend give an opinion. Her boyfriend gets super uncomfortable and its obvious she wants him to say something so of course he says something to please her. its weird because whether or not he responds she tends to blow up the situation or completely takes things out of context. I don't know if I'm overreacting and I know I'm missing a lot of context.

So about a month ago my friend that I've know for about a year called me and wanted to hang out. I've been talking too this girl for a little over 3 months we've went out had sex all that.... well when my friend came over I had just gotten a shower and I was wearing my black plush pajama pants and my Grey plush robe super soft clothes just because I like being comfy after a shower and a long day. When he came over he immediately brought up the girl he said "so I heard you started talking too a girl" I replied back "yea things are going pretty good im starting to like her" and he said "well you do know i been talking to her too" and I immediately felt bad I could tell he was angry. So I said "sorry bro how can I fix this" and he looked at me and he looked at my robe and said "go take this off and put on your "soft" jacket" which I found kinda strange but I didnt question it i walked in my room and put on my grey fleece Columbia jacket. When I walked back in the living room I said "well alright now what" he stood up and his eyes were locked on my plush covered crotch (I had no underwear on) and then he said "spread your legs" I immediately was shocked and confused I said " for what?" He said "you asked how you could fix this" and I said " yea but why did I have to put on a jacket and spread my legs" "he said youll see" well I spread my legs just a little and when I did he came closer and drove his knee right into my balls. I imm fell to my knees and said "wtf with a slight moan" he stood me back up and did the same thing 3 times while I was on my knees the 3rd time he comes up behind me and gets grabs my balls from the back and starts squeezing i remember feeling the fuzzy pants tighten around my thighs he said something in my ear but I was in too much pain to understand him after squeezing my balls for 30 secs or more he finally let's go. Thats when I see him walk over to the corner and grab my wooden bat. He makes me stand up again and he said "spread your legs" I spread my shaking legs and he put the bat between my legs and grabs the front and back of the bat and yanks it up into my crotch I immediately went limp holding the bat too try and release some of the pressure. Thats when he says " next time you fuck one of my girls just know I always know and I always got a retaliation you can still fuck her but good luck getting hard with these sore fuzzy balls" and after he said that he yanked the bat up super hard just too get one more blow in and I immediately fall too my knees holding my balls while he walked out.

you open yourself up to people and feel doomed for failure.

you've played this tune before.

you've been here before.

but now it's through a screen, now you can't reach them.

its the first time ive allowed myself to make genuine, real online friends. and its great, but i forgot that i make friends with some of the most mentally unstable people on earth. so im dissociated, shaken, petrified because one of our friends just described their dad beating them, then after how they were cutting their own stomach open, playing with their organs, and waiting to bleed out.

and the five minutes they didnt respond felt like hours.

and then they were okay, and didnt do it only because they didnt want us telling their irl friend. then they got mad at me for telling their irl.

they played one of my alltime favorite songs, Army Dreamers by Kate Bush. I saw it on their Discord status, while they were bleeding out. Suddenly I don't like that song anymore.

just last night we also dealt with the owner of the server being sent to a psych ward, then being rejected entry.

i have midterms this week, im dealing with my own fucked up emotions and feelings, and all my friends want to be dead.

i don't easily want to hurt myself, when i do its from extremely bad stress. im gonna see if i can get high tonight on something, anything. im so done with the real world. its not just this, its everything. its politics, its school, its my gender, its anxiety, and its my friends. and still its so much more. everything feels inescapable.

i want to live. im too scared of death for anything drastic. but i wanna find a way where i dont have to think about life so much. a place inbetween.

I was watching nana edits, it's an amazing anime and I love it. Gonna get a tattoo. While I was watching it tho..my lamp blinked 3 or 4 times. I thought the power was gonna go out but nothing else in my room was doing that. Not the fan or anything. It stopped, idk why but it kinda felt like a kind ghost just letting their presence be known. I feel like a ghost, it feels like my friends and family have their relationships figured out and feel connected. I wish I had something like that. When I wanna die, I think about my sister and the playlist I made when I think about her. I watch videos about girls losing their older brother. Sometimes I really do just wanna leave earth, like right now, it feels good to finally let my feelings out like this. When I think about dying, it's silly but I think of a hot guy and he's my boyfriend, kissing him and stuff, that's all I want during my last moments, I'd be pretty content. I don't think anyone would really care THAT much if I killed myself. I would plan but I try not to let myself get to that level. I'm also a degenerate which doesn't help during dark times, like they're having fulfilling social fun while I e-sex men or plan hookups. I feel like a doomer, that was something I was worried of becoming yet I'm just here.

I'm 18, I turn 19 this year tho. idk why but aging is scary, like nothing to do with looks or anything but it's like life is serious and I'm on a ride that I can't stop and it's gonna keep going up. It's too vast, overwhelming, I can do anything now but like what, yaknow. I guess that's why I just resorted to sexual shit. I don't like this vast dull feeling tho, idk how to stop it, it's like stopping from being happy about shit I'm supposed to be happy about. Like I'm graduating this year, I got the hairstyle I finally wanted, gonna get a job, gonna start my career, gonna party, club, concert, dance, travel. I don't understand why my happiness isn't here...