Friendship Stories

It's a bit stupid. And problably not the kind of thing to put here but i need advice and don't know where to ask It+ i Just need to get this out of my head in general. Context: So i met this person on an anonimous site a few weeks ago and they were really nice and they gave me their penpalling email in case i wanted to write them again. I did and we started writing. I tried to write about every four days (cause i swamped with exams) and they wrote back every 2-3 days or so. The last two mails i send how ever were a bit late but bc i was very busy and not feeling well + i wanted the mails to be good and i usually take 2 days to write them and revise them. It's been over 17 days and they still haven't answer my last mail :( , i've been thinking of writing them another mail, at least to make sure they recived It and maybe use some excuse like something to show them or whatever. idk if i should write them again or not though, i wouldn't want to see annoying or pushy about It. I'm also not sure If maybe they haven't answered bc i wrote something wrong ( i re-read It many times and i don't think there was anything wrong with It? I talked about my Plan and my interests like we both usually do + answered their questions and asked some of my own. I revised It a lot and i think It's ok) maybe bc my message was boring and they just got tired, or maybe i didn't ask enough questions? Or maybe they haven't recived It at all?? Or maybe It's completly normal and i'm just being paranoid. Idk.

I’m with you physically, but your with her lovingly

Why? Why does it hurt? This feeling…..is it heartbreak?, sadness? No. its rejection. I was with you then, bought you food, sponsored your bike rental at burnham, I don’t know why I was suddenly generous, but…when I saw you for the first time, ….i felt….weird. Your eyes were the first thing I noticed, hazel brown….with the light shining back at me. I….was mesmerized. Then your body…lean but not too much, muscles perfectly exaggerated with your tight shirt ,perfect pecks. Its too much….yet I cant look away.. Your voice, deep but soft. With every word you spoke, It felt as if I was back in my elementary days....so focused on what you were saying…

Days pass….we get close, and I still have yet to understand this feeling, I know it though…..love, affection, attraction… but is it really? I cant handle it….fighting the urge to just…wrap you in my arms. And be with you till you leave, why? Why is it so hard to describe? Is it love? Is it affection? Or simple attraction? Why is it that when I think of you my heart skips a beat? WHY…

We talk more, I learn more.

I learned you liked someone…someone I know….whom I stand no chance with. It hurts, I still don’t know WHY. Why is it that I feel different around you, why is it that whenever we talk…I get pulled in and the small talk turns to a full on conversation. So many questions… about what? Obvious affection? a simple crush? …is it more than that?

I hate this feeling, my chest…hurts as if someone died..

When we sat alone in that stage, I felt bliss..happy just to be with you. I didn’t care how many people were staring, I just wanted to be with you….but…I guess you had other plans.

When I was ranting to you then, you listened. You cared.

When we were chatting on messenger a while ago I was just asking if you had my umbrella…I left it the night before, from volleyball practice. You said no and continued to say “huh sorry but I hadn’t taken an umbrella” you then proceed to send a photo with the caption “this Is the only thing I got”. I was confused, what did he get that he had to tell me….the I opened it….two hands intertwined, yours and…..a girls hand?

My heart dropped

I want my voice to be heard someday

I'm a young adult who want(s/ed) to be an artist, a coder, a helper, and a nice person who wanted to change everyone's lives, but I feel no motivation to continue what I love. I find no passion for anything anymore, and it's all my fault. I'm in a never-ending cycle of hatred towards myself and in a cycle of wanting to see the people who had hurt me get their consequences. My interests are as varied as white bread: corporate, childish, soulless, samey; mixed in with the most obscure stuff people that nobody knows about. When I say I want to get into something that is remotely indie, I turn it into my whole personality, then I feel nothing afterwards. I am not good at human interaction, and I have a lot of problems with talking to people face to face, so it started affecting how I talked to others in school. So, I started to use the internet to talk to others.

It all started on Discord, where I decided to make an account after the pandemic started changing our lives and when I started feeling friendless. For the first two years, I was fine, even if a bit cringe. I was progressing in my art goal, albeit in a very different way, and this was when I finally started leaving a mark on the internet, which is what I always wanted to do, until... I got in trouble with a community, which led to a friend of mine leaving me eventually. I always needed an art tutor, but I never really knew how to go about requesting one. I also did not want to pay because if I paid, my parents would've been against it. This was a horrible mistake, as it made others think I was a beggar, when in reality I needed help. A lot of people claiming to be my friends also left me for the stupidest reasons and even spread rumors about myself. This was when I decided enough was enough. I restarted everything about myself online, and my goal to leaving a mark on the internet had completely reset.

There was this thing one person said that stuck out to me: How their interests did not match my interests. This still haunts me to this day, because I have not been able to get into a lot of indie stuff a lot of Gen Z users like, or even popular stuck others like. I can't broaden my interests because everything still feels either samey or ruined by terrible communities or friends.

I wanted to draw the same thing my favorite small online artists drew. I wanted to share the huge passion I had for storytelling and character design. Every single one of my favorite artists felt like they all brought their own version of their own world, but in reality, they all felt very similar to each other to a fascinating degree. It was like a small group of small artists that understood each other, even if they had different approaches. I needed to get in, but if I wanted to get in, I needed my slate to be as clean as possible and to practice a lot.

I used my new, yet still lacking set of art skills to build a new name and new stories, and with it, I promised myself to broaden my horizons. I started making a lot of new friends in a new community that took a while to get used to, but when I did, I started warming up and making it my go-to place. They didn't find my interests boring or samey. However, there was this one friend who wanted to assist me in my path. They were very nice, but what I didn't realize at the time is that they were too nice to me. It wasn't until it was too late when I found their true intentions.

At one point, I started feeling too distanced from the real world. I got into fights with my family members more frequently, almost like if I was being controlled by a puppet. Not even online had my behavior differed from the real world, as I started feeling this uneasy feeling that everyone would start hating me again and seeing everyone in my group starting to suffer mentally horribly, it started making me go insane. Months would turn into days, and the date finally came. I found out what they really wanted to do to me, and so did my parents. However, when it happened, the punishment was way, way off.

I had to leave Discord and my newfound name I wanted to leave a mark as. I could feel my life falling endlessly as my goals slowly vanished, all ties to my friends were cut. My electronics were all confiscated, even my Switch. My family members were not afraid to show their anger towards me and even told me that I should BEG God for forgiveness, because he wouldn't forgive me in a lifetime. Everything fell down to the gutter, but I still tried to put a positive spin on all of this. At least it's all better than what that person was going to do to me, right?

I had changed a lot since the initial punishment. I became more socially active with my family members and had tried a little bit harder to change and find my own self, and some things from the initial punishment were lifted too, but there's still something. I found an artist with a great style, one that felt like they belonged into that small group of small artists I wanted to be like. They literally checked all the boxes in just a week, but there was something different. I wanted to continue my goal, but then, creative block struck, and not just any creative block, an entire 1000 lb weigh in my brain was put. I couldn't draw my own custom things anymore, so I had no choice but to use ChatGPT to keep my creative visions alive, even if severely flawed as methods. Then, I found no passion for coding at all, as I had nobody to give suggestions about my code, then I resorted to having to use Copilot to give me blueprints. I started yearning to use Discord again, but my parents still don't trust me, and I doubt they will give me everything back anytime soon.

I have no control of my own life anymore. I can't go on without having friends or motivation. I can't go on without having free unlimited access to creativity. I feel stuck, and I had a realization. I got myself into this. My entire motive to get going with art was to find ONE friend who valued me and my projects the most, one who could contribute to my own creativity, someone I could rely to. I would search all over the communities I was interested in (which weren't a lot) to find someone if one person refused and bullied me for it. I should've stopped trying to force a friendship with someone.

I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't even feel like writing this that much, but it HAD to come out somehow. I had been trying to build my own online brand for 5 years but ended up hurting myself in the long run. I'm still friendless, still limited, and still getting stalked by that person who ruined everything. Every time I go out to the yard, I have this flashback of that fateful day where everything went wrong. I wanted a hobby and a job I enjoyed so much, and I still want to draw and code, and maybe even blueprint a mall one day, but I don't find myself motivated to do any of those things anymore. Am I still doing something wrong?

for context i’m a teenager and was trying to make plans with my best friend yesterday, but she didn’t respond for the entire day (very unlike her) so i was confused and texted her again to just come over the next day if she wanted since i had nothing to do and would probably be at home all day. she dropped by and told me after a few minutes of talking that she hadn’t replied to me last night since she was going to our mutual friends decent sized house party and “didn’t want me to feel jealous.” i was honestly a little hurt and shocked that she would say that, but she said it so casually so i laughed it off. she proceeded to tell me all these crazy details about how fun this party that i wasn’t invited to was. i’ve never rlly been to a real party before (only small get-togethers in basements and that type of thing) and after she left i was just so hurt that she or our other friend wouldn’t invite me, or at the very least just not describe it to me in detail when she knows i have never been to something like that. she’s not a huge party person either though (doesn’t wanna drink) so i’ve been wondering if i’m just overreacting and being a baby or if she was being a jerk. any opinions appreciated

it seems nobody cares about friendship breakups. it’s all about couples breaking up. sure, it can be hard. especially if it ended badly with cheating, arguments, etc. but, you get grace. comfort, help, a place to vent, and no shame for bedrotting and needing time to yourself. but that just doesn’t happen when you “break up” with a friend.

in a way, friendship breakups can be worse. get in an argument over a partner, another friend, or simply something petty. often like romantic relationships.

but friendships are often deeper. more memories, more years as friends, less comfort.

i recently had a friendship breakups with a girl named nevaeh (name drop :O ). it was my first year at this school, in this state, AND my first year of high school.

she was one of the first friends i made, and i sat with her at lunch; aswell as had many classes with her. she was very nice to me, and introduced me to many of the friends i have now.

she had had a rough upbringing. abusive father who’s now in jail, with a shitty mom and step dad, multiple half siblings, and a little brother. she has PTSD (main reactions when people yell), and anger issues. she also used to vape and smoke pot, but i was the one who got her out of both of those addictions.

i had a falling out with one of our mutual friends, denver. she often talked down on those less “attractive” than her, and also the ones with lower income. because of this, i didn’t want to be associated with her.

i asked nevaeh for advice before doing this, where she sided with me. i “dropped” denver, but noticed nevaeh getting distant with me. (keep in mind we were tight before this, no arguments.).

that day after school, her, denver, and two other girls i don’t know added me into a group chat. they started calling me slurs. n word (i am white and they are all white), whore (never had a boyfriend), slut (i dress modest), and a satanist. (i am agnostic while they are all christian.)

i cried. so bad. i asked Nevaeh about it, where she played innocent. but it was never the same between us. i only stayed friends with her since in many classes she was my only friend.

i had never felt more alone. i had no friends.

and nobody comforted me. that’s like breaking up with 10 people at once.

long story short, take friendship breakups seriously.

I fucking hate my life, myself, the people in my life (besides one), the people not in my life anymore.

I feel so bad; this depression is killing me.

It already fucking killed me from the inside.

I feel rotten from the inside,

like i have this parasite in me that just kills my sense of time,

my ability to feel anything.

I just wanna feel. Feel happy, cared for.

I don’t wanna hurt, or be hurt.

I don’t wanna be wronged, left.

I don’t wanna be rotten,

scared of people seeing through the lies and driven away from me.

I hope i just dont wake up tomorrow,

no one text me,

so how will they know if i am alive or not?

They dont care if there is blood running through my veins,

oxygen through my blood,

if my heart is pounding.

No one fucking care in the end.

And the end? I’ve fucking reached it.

Im so done. I feel depressed,

so i reach out to people in the hope for just.. love, comfort, non-judgement.

And what do i get? ‘Space to heal’.

That you can’t heal the soul you didn’t break, doesn’t mean you can just fucking leave?

I literally told you i wasn’t your responsibility, and you take it as a yes for just ghosting me?

I never asked you to fix me,

i just long to be held. You abandoning me,

in the time i need you the most,

cuts deeper than the blade i use to just fucking feel something.

If, in the darkest time in the night,

my body just aches to hurt, bleed, harm.

Am i just supposed to give in?

Does it make you feel better that i have a possibility of bleeding out,

just because u can’t handle, change me?

That i feel unable to open up to you?

That i spend my time writing this?

Because only my fucking notes app listenings?that you are the reason i shed a tear?

Are unable to sleep?

Get bad grades from stress?

Look, i don’t blame you for my pain,

i blame you for ignoring it.

Do you feel better, now you left?

Because i ‘only text you to vent’?

Maybe i do,

BECAUSE YOU NEVER.FUCKING.TEXT.ME.

Do you want me to fucking beg you for a text? Is it that hard,

to just stick around when i need you?

I don’t want your pity, help, advice.

I know i shouldn’t cut myself,

i am aware that food is a live essential.

Do you think I’m that fucking stupid?

Do you see me as retarded?

You fucking do, don’t you?

Well i can’t ask you,

BECAUSE YOU WON’T FUCKING RESPONSE. Didn’t you say you care? Love me? Is this love? Leaving in hard times? Were it all just lies?

I really believed you.

When i told you i love you,

I did with every inch of me.

Why does everyone in the end leave?

Am i that fucking unlovable?

Or did they just got scared away,

by my rotten inside?

Oh well, can’t blame them.

And now you wonder why i don’t talk to you?

If i end up dead,

you’re one of my fucking 13 reasons,

and i hope it haunts you for eternity.

I hope your fucking soul is still lost,

wandering in the dark depths or the universe if you lay in your grave as your corpse rots away in the ground.

Actually, no, i don’t. I still love you.

I still care about you, how your day was,

how you slept, what’s going on in your head, your silence battles.

Even when i am drowning and youre just complaining about too much CO2 in your unlimited oxygen,

i’d still give you some of my air.

See..! It’s.not.that.fucking.hard.

What do you need to just understand it?

Do i need to buy you glasses?

Or will my suicide note be the thing you finally read, and don’t ghost?

Fuck, i am such a fool, ain’t i?

I am fucking tired of your boring, grumpy cat pics. Its not even your own cat, its your friend's cat. Why are you sp high on ugly peice of grey fur. I actually liked your cat when I first saw her but you ruined it for me by constantly sending me cat pics and videos. I lie to you because instead of reflecting on your actions you block people and move over to the next one. I know why you get me gifts because without those incentives no one would actually want to be your friend. No wonder you have a problems in your marriage. I thoighyour husband sucks based on what I heard from you but after knowing your less than a year, I feel bad for him that he has to put up with your antics. You suck man. You suck big time. People leave you because you drain them emotionally. You are a not a bad person but you are exhausting. Your friends werent concerned when you got depressed. They kept checking on your because they couldnt really believe that you matured and stopped behaving like a teenager. I have seen your university stage performance and the second hand embarrassment I got... jesus. You not a performer. You are not a charm on the stage. Your poems are boring AF and recitating it only makes it worse. Stop it. Just sucking stop being so performative and thinking yourself as some sort of an entertainer. You are not and you need to care about the people around you and just fucking stop it. You are not an young adult who would roam around like crazy. You are in your 30s. GROW TF UP. You family vacation sucked, yk why? Because you suck. Your husband, sister amd cousins would like vacation like adults but you want to behave like 5 year old and they are sick of your antics.

Stop sending me ugly beach videos. I love beaches. Dont ruin it for me. I love waves. I want to go surfing when I can afford to vacay on a nice beach. Dont you fucking ruin it for me by trying to vc me showing waves. You voice, you mannerisms, I find everything to be annoying. Stop sending those edited clips (tf you adding a sad romantic song on a beach video?) and ugly edited photos. Why do you even edit? Why do you oive under the illusion that you are some sort of a creative genius. You are not. Please shrink yourself because you are suffocating everyone aaround you. No one, at least, people of your age needa a boring woman trying to be funny or the life of the party. You dont have that kind of charm. You are just embarrassing.

I feel drained tbh, my bestfriend blocked me today and I can't sleep.. I keep crying.. and pleading for forgiveness like a pathetic loser, which is I am a pathetic loser, I didn't mean to tease him too far I just wanna have fun, but I think the fun is too much.. I pushed it too far, I'm sorry

i fucking give up bro, everyday im called ugly, when i moved away from a shit country i lived in where ig ot choked and heavily physically bullied and r@ped i thought i escaped, i didn't. verbal bullying, i hate myself. got myself a ED cause of thos fuckers. i even stopped doing SH n now its started again, i got r@ped again of course. fuck this fucking bullshit. i know im ugly, i know im dumb. those fucking narcissists. i genuilny give up. im failing everything, my dads sick, my moms depressed and hates me, same w my dad, my friends hate me and i try to be what they want me to be, and i do that but still they hate me. im brown, im the odd one out, imt he ugliest. god i hate ts. what i've been through. i thought if ucking escaped but no god just hates me doesnt he. whatever. bye. i havent slept i nfucking days. iahte insomnia. i hate people.

suzy i never want to see you again. we used to shittalk so many people that you even started shit talking your gf, but a few weeks ago when i made a joke about her having messy hair you fucking changed up on me. now you cant go a conversation without sarcastic laughter and being a bitch. i ve only ever spoke to you because of your gf and her and my friend who you ungratefully sacked off after a week i just wish you wouldnt be such a massive bitch to everyone. ive tried getting into your interests but thats just got me called a creep and stalker like weve known eachother for a few years i thought i coul like what you like. youve even turned your gf (my friendd since primary school) against me i cant even speak to her without you interrupting me and changing the topic, or you dragging her away to talk to someone else

My ex and I stayed friends. I genuinely tried to grow from yk what he told me when he broke up with me. I’ve been thinking about distancing myself from him for a little bit but tonight sealed the deal. He and his friend were having problems. If I’m being honest, he was being self centered while

His friend came to him about an issue with their relationship. Though it’s not my friendship. But what hit the nail on the head of whether or not to leave him was the fact he dropped my name in their conversation. He said “this is just like how OP and others act.” I had nothing to do with that and he had no business bringing me up solely. So I asked him straight up “wtf was that name drop” and said oh I feel bad.and that oh but that stuff is solved. So why tf do you feel the need to bring up me in a conversation not about me? That shot was unnecessary. And then he said “but there is some stuff that’s been bothering me.” It’s impossible to make him happy. I have tried so hard. And there’s still grievances he refuses to say. That’s why we broke up in the first place. I’m actually so tired of this.

So I have a tight knit friend group and we have known each other for a long time ( say 15-16 years ). So we are currently on a break from class and all of us were supposed to go out on this upcoming Wednesday. However, due to the place being closed we won’t be able to. So my best friend ( let’s call her Z ) told me that we should go today ( just the two of us ) as we don’t get to spend time together that much, the reason why the entire group didn’t go is because one of our friends had class. I asked Z if our other friend ( let’s call her Y ), who has previously said that she wants to go out can join us too but Z was hellbent on spending time together and have a one-one hangout. So I spoke on the phone with Y and she got a bit upset, which is totally understandable.

Later, at night we saw that my friend who has class today went to the movies with another one of our friends today and texted in the group chat that why did Z and I create plans without them ( we didn’t even go ). Today, my friend Y ( who wanted to go with us ) was like why are you even sending me reels you don’t even want to hang out with me…….

Like the thing is I understand why they are upset but everyone goes on a one-one hangout.

I’m honestly so lost about what I should do about this.

BTW I apologized to Y and explained to her why Z wanted to have a one-one hangout right after she asked me.

ever get that feeling like you're the only one walking through school halls invisible to the world????? i'm 17 and it's like i'm in some glitch in the simulation. others are collecting friends like i collect those stupid online game achievements, but me??? nada. it's not that i haven't tried either; i've done the whole "join a club" thing, poured my soul into band practice, and stayed late at those oversold "life-changing" workshops that counselors swear are opportunities. sure, i've got acquaintances, but those hollywood-style, ride-or-die friendships???? ha, guess they're on backorder for me!!! who knew navigating the social web would feel like trying to solve a rubik's cube blindfolded? i sometimes wonder, am i a walking wifi dead zone or living life on airplane mode?????

remember some adults love throwing out advice like "be yourself" or "you've got to put yourself out there"... gee, thanks, hadn't thought of that. it's not like i'm antisocial or a wallflower, though talking to someone feels like booting up an old pc—slow, clunky, but it gets there in the end (most times). at every pep talk, i nod like a bobblehead or a yes man, but when it boils down to it, that six-word mantra becomes white noise. "fake it 'til you make it" seems enticing—pretending i've got it all together in hopes it becomes a reality. *spoiler alert*—still waiting on that shift. maybe i missed the memo on how to fit the mold or ace the secret friendship interview. should i be taking notes?????

but here's the kicker—each day, my classmates flaunt their BFFs with matching necklaces or those idiotic coordinated dance moves. "watch our sick routine!" they say—ugh, puke me to the moon. why can't someone be cool with the more chill type, like wandering the local trails or binging some obscure cult classic??? not that i'm bitter (just checking!!!), but i'm strangely optimistic, like some masochistic sucker believing that karma has a twisted sense of humor. i guess it's true what some say, "good things come to those who wait." maybe the human algorithm just hasn't processed my request yet??? online, i've found comrades-in-keyboards who share the same plight—living charades waiting for our tribe to find us. strangely comforting, yet bittersweet.

so what's the game plan now????? patience sucks, but it's part of life's obnoxious curriculum, isn't it????? pushing forward, reminding yourself "this too shall pass" because high school isn't the endgame. hell, it's only the first level before the real quest truly begins. the awkwardness??? a rite of passage into adulthood's unfathomable chaos. the absence of friends doesn't define the haphazard journey of societal expectations. instead, embracing my quirks might just attract another oddball-looking-for-their-own kindred spirit. anyone else feeling the struggle to "fit in," just like me???? because life is a marathon, not a sprint―and it’s a damn long run without podcasts or a killer playlist. maybe one day i'll have one of those laugh-till-you-cry revelations and thank the universe for its eccentric ways. but till then, i'll keep clicking 'refresh' on life's social page, waiting for that genial notification to ping.

Although I may not be as bad as others, I still feel horrible about myself. I'm fat, ugly, without any hobbies or any significant interests other than games. My music taste is literally just composed to Video Game OSTs so I can't even bond with others. I'm just a hollow shell of a person, no talents, no skills, no hobbies, nothing. "Oh, you like music, what's your favorite band." Oh, uh, I don't know, Studio EIM? I want to feel proud, I want to tell myself that I'm enough, that I'm worth something.

But I honestly can't. My friends always tell me how weird I am for my passion in games. "You're actually such a loser for listening to just Video Game soundtracks lol". I know it's probably just for shits and giggles, but it honestly really hurts whenever they nitpick my already miserable life. And I often feel like a sore thumb when I realize that someone else that likes my interests aren't actually insane for them.

Take for example Project Moon, my most beloved game studio. I feel like I'm always babbling about Project Moon so much because I thought he was the same, but turns out he's just a casual fan. I feel embarassed whenever I feel happy talking about PM because I always think I'm just being a nuisance.

I just don't feel close to them anymore, and I feel like I'm constantly trying to fit in because I'm scared of losing them.

I just want someone that I can trust to talk about anything, knowing that they won't talk behind my back. Someone who would be with me no matter what happens.

i'm aware that there's a high possibility that most of this is my fault for not like expressing myself or whatever, so i am wondering if i'm 'crazy' - if i'm being reasonable. my friends aren't the most supportive people to me, but that can be explained by me not being a very open person myself. a lot of them have relatively big problems in their own lives and they come to others in the group to vent or cope, but i don't have those types of big problems, at least not anymore. but when i did (when a family member had cancer) i went through it basically alone as i, successfully somehow, trudged through other areas of my life like academics. it was never something that i would let get myself down. but the thing is my friends didnt really try to reach out? i know they knew i told them or my parents told their parents who told them. maybe they knew i wouldnt be so receptive, because i really would not have, but its the fact that it feels like they didnt even try. theres this sense of building resentment as it becomes easier and easier for me to notice their flaws, especially when they interact with each other, weirdly enough. i never point it out because the recipients never seem to have a problem with it but sometimes it drives me mad. one of my friends, she doesn't even notice it, but she turns almost every conversation to herself to talk about her problems. once, another friend was talking about her problems, very serious ones, and somehow she managed to turn the conversation completely around to her problems. but this other friend didn't seem to have a problem with it. but it really fucking pissed me off, even though i didn't say anything. it feels like i am seeing something that isn't there and i have to stay quiet because it looks like no one else notices or cares. am i crazy? do i have self centered friends? am i the self centered one? idfk but i feel isolated from this group and im wondering how much of it is my fault. oh also, they all forgot my birthday last year and i give them some benefit of the doubt because i didnt mention any plans or that it was coming but i have known them for several years, whereas several from my high school who ive known for like two at that point wished me happy birthday. honestly im waiting to see if they remember this year since its coming up. i think i might be ridiculous.