Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 38

It's a real story from a few years ago. About my dog Dakota.

I went to the animal shelter with my mom. We were going there cause I asked to see the cats. I had a cat at the time name Crystal. I think I was around 10 during this time.

As I was looking at all the fresh faces of the cute kitties.

There was this crate in the lobby.

Poor little guy was brought back by their owner due to the owners mom having cancer or something. Which I could totally relate to in the future.

But back to the story.

My mom was near the crate. She peered inside. Then boop! A small nose popped outta the tiny mountain of blankets. Then the rest of the snout, then Dakota's large, brown, cute eyes found my mom's. He then popped his whole head outta the blankets. He has one ear up and one ear flopped down. He had a white diamond shaped fur patch on his forehead. Sorta like the pretty jewel things that Indian cultured people wear. But this fur patch was just part of his pattern.

He was so cute and tiny. A Chihuahua mix. I think he was round 6 months old. But tiny.

My mom instantly bonded with the little guy!

All this happened while I was looking at the cats.

When it was time to leave... As I was skipping down the steps. My mom stopped. She looked at me. I stopped. I looked at her. And she said, "do you wanna get a dog?" I thought she was joking. So I sorta laughed it off. Cause my mom wasn't known to be spontaneous. At least not that I knew of.

When I realized that she was serious... I jumped for joy, bounded up the stairs. We got the little tot. And the rest was history.

Until 5 years later...

Dakota was know to use his nose a lot. Smelled anything, anyone, and any-any, until he smelled the wrong thing.

A pile of fungus.

It went to his brain. He couldn't walk. Couldn't eat. Wouldn't hold his fluids.

So, we had to put him down. Actually... My mom had to at the Vets. I couldn't be in the room due to the stress.

Over the years, my mom and I always said, "it was his nose that brought him to us, and it was his nose that took him away".

So, be careful with your pets out there. And watch out for fungus. They're not good for the brain!!

First off, this isn't my own experience... I saw it/heard it while at Blaze Pizza.

I was eating some pizza with my good friend/neighbor. When all of a sudden... My neighbor started chuckling outta the blue. I ask her why she was laughing. She discreetly pointed to a table sorta behind us adjacent.

I then listened in. It was a younger couple around early 20's. I was in High School at the time. But the couples conversation was hilarious!!

Obviously the conversation was more hilarious for me and my companion. But they also seemed like they were on a first date. It definitely seemed like the most awkward date ever!

The dude was going on and on about toilet plumbing!! Something about how to properly make a toilet and the best methods to not clog the toilet! The girl looked like she wanted to be swallowed into a whole, or I guess... She wanted to be flushed down the toilet with how the date she was having was going!

My good friendo ended our meal before we could hear the end of how the date went... So I don't know if they had a second date... But who knows?

This is going to be shorter than what I've written before.

I live with my cousins. They're nice. I live in their rental home. It's "nice". It's a bit crowded. Filled to the brim with art, art supplies, paper, and dog hair. It's "nice".

I look forward to being in their new Mini-mansion.

They're nice enough to let me stay there for the time being, until I become a decent human being. Not a potatoes/blank canvas.

They're building their new home from the ground up... It's been over a year due to their old home having the thingy in the walls that's toxic... I can't remember what it's called. It's in really old homes though.

Anyway, their new home is huge! It'll be done around April, May, or June?

They're letting me stay in the guest bedroom and I get to design it however I want!!

It's super big for a guest bedroom, and I'm not used to that. I sorta grew up poor till my parent passed away. And they took me in.

My room has 12 foot ceilings!! I feel super tiny in that room. I'm 4 foot 11 inches tall by the way.

I have a walk-in closet, which I've never had. I don't even have enough clothes to fill one of the walls in the walk-in closet. They said, "it'll be full in no-time". Like, what the fork does that mean!?

I have my own bathroom attached to my room, which my old bathroom was actually a powder room in my old home.

They have a music room, library, pool, a huge kitchen with a huge island. A 4 car garage!

It's crazy!!

Not to mention my cousin has a balcony!!! The stairs seemed like an odd choice for me though? Considering my cousin has a bad knee, yet her room is on the top floor. And my room is the only one on the bottom floor.

My cousins also have a very loud dog. So they made the house more soundproof. The dog is super, super, SUPER loud... But my family loves the big lug!!

There's 2 living spaces as well, and they have this huge TV! TV's will also apparently be in all the bedrooms, which I wasn't aware that that was a thing?

The temperature will probably be the main issue between me and my cousins, since I run very, very, very warm, unless I specifically stay outside for a long period of time in the cold. Inside a house though... 50°F is my comfy temperature. Cold showers unless it's winter. Then it would be semi-warm, semi-cold. The only time I have a hot shower... Is if I'm sick. And those hot showers last shorter, due to hot temperatures causing me muscle pain. I don't know why?

Anyway, back to their home... Again, it's huge!! I get a nice view of the backyard!

Also, where I'm living now, my cousins say that screen windows aren't a thing here... But where I'm from... They are. So, it'll be interesting to have the windows open like a princess... Or keep them open like those old HS/College movies where the guy, or girl climbs in through the window! That never could've happened back where I used to live due to me being on the 3rd floor, and screen windows. Plus, all my neighbors knew me, and would probably report to my mom if a boy hopped through my screen window!

My room can fit a King size bed. Which I used to have a trundle twin size bed. I was actually a good foot smaller than the length of the trundle. So, I'd be pretty small in a king-size bed. It laughable honestly. I have started to enjoy my height and comparing my height to people and things around me gives me a good laugh!

Also, my family aren't that tall either. The only male in the house(the dad figure) it around 5 foot 7 inches tall. The mother figure is shorter than me, but she says she's 5 foot 3 inches tall... So let's just say she is. And their eldest daughter is 5 foot 2 inches. And their youngest daughter is around the same height as me, maybe an inch taller at the moment? She's still growing. Though I stopped growing at 12 years old, so who knows when she'll stop growing?

Anyway, back to the house again. They'll also have citrus trees in their backyard and groundskeepers. I love oranges... So... ORANGES!!! They're pool is definitely interesting. Large pool, tiny warm pool. I don't know how to spell the warm pool. The tiny warm pool can probably fit 2 people of my size.

I look forward to deciding what I'd want for my room. I can't really decided exactly? I like the Chinese style in terms of pattern choices. But I also like Art Deco. But their home is sorta old/classic French. With those bird wall papers. My cousin loves those bird wall papers that are seen in classic French homes. But they're mixing brasses for their art deco look. My cousins doesn't really like sharp lines, so those are the 2 styles she's chosen.

I like the feng shui layout, but my room doesn't allow for that. My room has 2 large windows, but the space between the windows doesn't allow for their to be a bed in between. And if I face my bed on the other wall... I'll be facing the entrance door. And if my bed is on that same wall and I lay on my right side... I'm face-to-face with the bathroom door.

My cousins said that I could keep the lights on in my room when I sleep, as I can't sleep unless my room is as bright as a star. They only said that I had to limit my shower time. Since my usual shower time at my old home was 2 hours long. I can't do that with my cousins.

They also have a fire place somewhere in the house. I can't remember where. All I know is that means s'mores!!!

I think I'll end it hear. I'm tired. Sleepy. Sleepy. And tired.

Eat good food and drink lots of water!!!

Written as letter to Ex.

Ex.,

I want to know why you treated me the way you do when you said you love me?

Why did you feel the need to play Hot & Cold?

All I asked for was for you to talk to me. Yet 3 days of no contact on the bases of an "I've been busy with work".

When you wouldn't text me at least once a day, I felt like I wasn't loved. I shared with you that my love language is words of affirmation. Yet you couldn't fulfill that role.

I asked you to break up with me. I broke up with you many times. Yet you always managed to bring me back in. It's my fault in the end. I came back of my own free will. I regret those choices.

I regret letting your pouting sway my decisions. Whenever I wouldn't give you adult touches, you'd pout in a corner... And like the weak person I was, I came back to "help" with that.

We're done, yet I still claim to have loved you. Did I love you? I honestly don't know. I definitely felt forced into loving you.

The live bombing wasn't great either whenever we went through a difficult time.

I moved outta state, while you were stuck in the state I left. Unable to come with me due to your restraints. I understand that. I texted you shorter texts because longer texts didn't seem to be ready. Then I only texted once per day, hoping you'd at least read and respond to me.

At some point you mentioned leaving this world, I sobbed. And I stayed.

Being in another state made me realize that this wasn't love. You did not love me.

In the beginning of our relationship we shared what we think love is. You said that love is putting another's needs before your own. Taking care of them. That was the only description you gave me.

My description of love was so long, but you didn't think that was real love. I wanted someone who would talk to me, cuddle with me without any further adult touches. I wanted someone would would be able to hold out doing all the way until my 4 month comfort limit. You took my V-card and I was happy in the moment, but after... I honestly felt sad... Like it was a goodbye thing.

I'm 23 forking year old, and always imagined my 1st time being with someone who truly cared about my boundaries and what I believe in.

Your compromises were that you'd choose were we lived. That's fine. And you compromised about us getting a cat. That's fine. But you'd use that against me whenever I asked for something that you didn't wanna do. The only thing that I specifically asked for is someone who shares their feelings, thoughts and opinions, as well as listening to mine. I also asked that intimacy be limited. And I should've known that it wouldn't work out when you said on our first date that your love language was physical touch. And I said to you that my least favorite love language was acts of service, yet that was your second favorite. I guess I was desperate to be loved. And I'll not make that mistake again. I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that I'll never date or be loved the way that I wish to be. Reality isn't a movie. And movies aren't reality. Yet, I've seen with my own two eyes that it can be through my close friend. Her life has had bumps in the road, but I see how much her love loves her... The way he looks at her and holds her. The way that he supports her in all her endeavors. And her book is also an inspiration. She's the one who helped me out of my past relationship cause she went through the same thing before.

People may say that I'm heartless for not giving my ex a chance. Well, the only chance he ever wanted to show me that he loved me was in-person. And I'd spend most of my time where I am now. So, I could not continue the relationship... Ended with cold turkey. Blocked and deleted. Again, some might say that's harsh and some might say, you were with him for only a few months... Give it time. But I've already lost so many years, and built up so many regrets.

I'm tired. I know love it out there. But the only love I'll ever truly see is through my bestie, books, and movies. And I'm honestly very happy for those who find their true loves, or loves that make you happy in the moment. I also may be jealous, but that is honestly a healthy emotion... In my opinion. Just as long as it doesn't control your life. Which I'm working on.

Goodnight everyone!!!

From, Me.

Written as a letter to my mom...

Dear Mom,

You promised me that you'd visit China were I was adopted.

You promised me that we'd drive up the coast of California.

You promised me that we'd visit where you grew up in Long Island, New York.

You promised to show me around Europe and the places you went on your college trip.

You promised me that you'd go to Las Vegas for the Chinese New Year decorations for the Year of the Snake.

You promised me that we'd visit Chilé were you spent your younger years.

You promised me that you'd be there for me on all those trips.

But the most important place that I wanted you to visit is walking me down the aisle if I got married.

I'm single again, but I would've wanted you to be there with me to comfort me when things well out between my boyfriend and me.

I know you're in a better place, and we always said, "Fuck Cancer!" But by God, by anyone who would listen, we'd promised that we'd travel the world together!!!

I'm tired, it's late at night when I'm writing this. I'm sleepy.

I love you!!!

Love, you're daughter who loves you to the moon and stars and back!!

I'm in my early 20's. Yet I've wasted my life. As I've moved from the place I've called home for many years. I realized that everything I did there was for other people's approval, appreciation, and opinions. Now, as I'm not there, I just feel lost. I don't know what I want for my major, nor what my interests are. I know damn well what I don't like, and many people say that that's a start. But I'm honestly worried that I'll never make any friends due to the fact that I honestly don't know what I like. I have no passions. No interests. And it's hard for me to be interested in other people on a genuine level, since I don't know what I'm interested. Most people wanna be friends with others with the same interest. But how do people become friends with someone who lacks interests? And I mean genuine interests. As I've said, I've lived me life for other people, and I don't know where to start for myself. Trust me, I've try many things, but again, they weren't for me, but for others. I guess I could list the things I've tried, but it would make it seem like I'm a lost cause! I've tried, hip-hop/crump dance, jazz dance, 4 years of ballet, tap dance, painting, drawing, pottery, singing, playing guitar, playing the djembe drum, playing the ukulele, playing the harmonica(I only tried that one 3 times, and never again), baking, cooking, paper mashé, learning ASL(American Sign Language), fashion design, jewelry design, makeup stuff(I didn't like it after a while), math at one point(never again!!!), proper ways to clean, learning about different books(even though I haven't read them)... Simply to interact with those book lovers, same goes for movies and TV, there's a lot I haven't seen, but I can somewhat carry on a conversation with the same conviction that the fans of those franchises do. And the list goes on of what I've tried and ended up not really liking. The only things that I refuse to engage in are horror movies, books, and TV, spicy food, sea food, winter sports(other than ice skating), and anything to do with Winston Churchill. Other than that, I really don't know what I enjoy.

Basically at my high school we all have majors, I am a tech major. We have this project that’s due nearing the end of the year. The project being creating a mechanical or electrical work of your own. The issue is, I’ve never managed to do anything good at all for this project. It’s my senior year and know they’re asking me to do 2 of them and I just can’t. I feel so ashamed and like such a failure of a person because I can’t do what everyone else can. In my freshman year they just stuck me with another group because I couldnt fucking do anything right. They always act like I’m supposed to be this genius and I’m just an idiot. And since now I’m a senior they won’t accept anything that isn’t “senior quality” and it’ll be a zero. I fucking hate my life and this school I don’t why I haven’t given up yet. I’m tired of not being good enough.

(i posted a rant before this one called 'long distance sucks' and im here with another related to that)

just for over view- im in a long distance relationship with someone who i was best friends with for a year. hes amazing btw, hes so cool, i learn so much from him, hes smart, tall, handsome, incredible OH GOD I LOVE HIM A LOT! hes just so fucking perfect. he loves me the same, he helps me in anything i need (hes a year older), he tells me how much he loves me everyday, he tries his best to be the best version of him for me (hes already the bestest), he cares for me a lot, he tells me whats wrong and whats right. hes really fun, we have the same type of sense of humour so we joke around a lot of anything and about each other and dont get offended. i love him a lot- hes truly everything i ever need.

im a very sensitive person even though i show myself as strong. he knows how sensitive i am so he takes extra care of him and worries whenever im a little off. he comforts me. he tells me how amazing i am and how strong i am. he handles me like no other. in short he knows how to get me going during my breakdowns.

but idk if im being enough for him. idk if i really provide him the support he needs. i give me all! whenever hes sad or low or down about things i literally give my everything to make him feel good even with his "men are strong" approch. me being the extra sensitive one in this relationship makes me think that im never really enough for him when hes sad. i wrote him 7 pages, 2-3 paragraphs and delivered him my perfume, hair tie and a short letter. i just want him to be happy the way he makes me but i just think im falling less somewhere or maybe im just feeling this way because we are in long distance. i just love him so much that i know no end on letting him go and i fear that im not being a good girlfriend.

Sorry for bad grammar in advance english isn’t my native language! And sorry for this beinf so long im bery goot at yapping not good at story telling.

So I have this friend group of four people, lets say my friends are A, B and C. So A is my bestfriend i’ve known my whole life and B and C i met trough her in 2023. My friend A has this job of handing mail out once a week, shes also been sick with the flu for the past few days. So today she asked in our gc if someone wanted to come with her on her route cause its very bad weather today raining and so on. And i answered first and asked at what time was she planning on going, and she said around 3pm and i thought for a second and decided maybe not going cause im gonna be on a walk with our dog right around then and i have work from 9pm-2am so i wanted to take a nap before work. And then my other friend B said she doesnt want to go walking in the rain and my friend C said she has to study. No big deal, and then at some point my friend private messaged me and asked what time i was going on the walk with my dog and she could go out whenever if i maybe wanted to come after all. I didnt see it until a bit later a bit before 3pm when i left with my dog and i texted her like hey what time are you going now i could maybe come after all (one thing is i am quite an indecisive person) also tried calling her but she didnt answer then, she called back around 3.30pm and was like well i already left and i was like okay yeah sorry i was so indecisive and answered late. Then my friend C put a message that “i was now a good friend and sacrificed going there, even tho i have three tests to study for, an essay due tomorrow and came straight after a test even tho its raining” and me and my friend put messages like hey sorry i feel kinda bad for not coming and like that just simple. And they both got mad? A said “well you should feel bad cause i wouldve come if i were you but i guess not everyone thinks the same way, and C came even tho she had school work and i now caught a fever”, “so just be quiet im tired of those “im sorry❤️’ messages” and C said “and dont use not wanting to walk in the rain as an excuse just say you cant, no need tk be so formal about it” C also quoted B when she said she doesnt want to walk in the rain and said “like omg just stfu that just pisses everyone more off, sounding so sarcastic” like im just confused on where this came from? And B then sent another message being like sorry basically, and A answered that shes not mad we didnt come cause its her job after all, but shes dissapointed cause her company wasnt good enough apparently. Im just confused like is it that serious we didnt go on the walk this one time like we do a bunch of other stuff together maybe not as often nowadays but thats cause of work for me and then school for them mostly and then a combination of other personal stuff in life for all.

Last night, we had a family reunion and I was already kind of in a bad mood since my had taken a nap bc of a hang over she still have from last night (she's a bit of an alchoholic) and overslept which caused us to be late to the dinner. once we reached the place we sat down and she started getting a little drunk agaiin thanks to the alchohol served, she started saying things (as she does when she's drunk) about me; like this waiter who looked a little older than me an make a living while i'm over here always cooped up in my room all the time(huh i wonder why); she also made some unnecessary comments about my dress (i asked her for help prior to the diner but she told me she didn't know and waved me off), i get that this was drunk talk and i shouldn't take it seriously but when it comes from someone who conributed in creating you it kinda hurts a little y'know? and then she started comparing to my cousins(average parent protocol atp)

and then it was time for a family group photo. I don't like to take photos that often so i tend to just scoot to the very edge of the group, and unfortunatley i was next ot her. She grabbed my waist which kinda scared me and i shved her away and then she started pulling me harder andlike digging her nails and screaming at me and i just got really stressed out. she would usually like swing an arm around me and all duirng group ohotos but never grab me which was whwy i kinda reacted that way. I know that i should'nt have acted out (especially in public like that) but i ws just really stressed at the time.

and after that she wasn't done with me yet and continuedscreaming at me saying that "i'm you're mother i should be allowed to touch you" and i told her that she grabbed me and it hurt a lot and she kept on denying that (keep in mind she's still drunk) and then this continues (by then i havd already put my earphones in so i could't here much of her slander) and even after the reunion she's still fighting with me. she gets up all ino my face which pissed me off (by thenim tired and just want he to shut up becasue she's etremely drunk by now).

and she's still fighting with me untilwe get into the car, my dad leaves us for us to settle down while he go finds the other family members to help them find their car and she starts hitting me, and my little brother is caught in between and i just wanted to pull him outta there because he was clearly stressed from the noise and trying to settle it down and my mom was grabbing him and isolating him from me it really hurt. she slapped me and made me hit my head a lot but at that point i was kinda numb for physical pain. i gave my little brother my earphones so he would have something to at least dronw out the noise.

and the things that when we were fighting i would say smt like "why do you hit me so much?" and she would say "you hate me! you don't love me!", and when i was rrying to explain she was making me uncomfortable whenn she grabbed me and i dont know what kinda mental gymnastics did she have to do to get from that to "i'm a danger to you!" "cal the police and arrest me!" "I'm a horrible mother!" "you're not a part of this family if i'm dangerous to you!"

i apologised for acting out in public when i probably shoulve' just sucked it up as she said and what not since everytime we take a rgoup photo she slings her arm around me (thats probably th eonly time we touchaso yeah that probably just gave me a headachre worse than when she shoved me into the car window. the way she grabbed my brother probably hurt the most tbh, i vowed to myself that i'd protect him and keep him safe from my parents but i just made things os much worse for him. and even after when my dad came bac did she stop saying anything, but once we got back she only continued. she strated hitting me more and screaming and repeating everything and she tore down the rack filled of things i genuinely care about. by then my dad came up and told her to stop and brought her away. i huddled up in the corner i think and started idk, becoming two people, i needed to clean up the mess she made but i also just wanted to sit there and rest, but i cleaned anyways while my parents fought outside. i heard something along the lines of "just go to sleep" (it was 2am) and that was it for then. after i finished cleaning my mom came back and started to scream at me again and getting me up agaiinst the wall and blocking my way when i was trying to do things, she pulled the "im a terrible mother" card and shoved her phone in my face trying ot get me to cal the police, it made me sick tbh, i apolohised again for the same thing just in case she forgot but also asked for my own since she kinda did hit me and onvade my personal space but she just huffed and she went back to her room (this actually made her look kinda like a kid which was a little unsettling per say)

and in the next 15 minutes she came back again to contonue screaming. she kept on grabbing and clawwing at my shoulder and wasit and generally just taunting me to "call the police" as she kept on saying. it honesty just gavenme the headache.

i know that during all that i was being as calm as i could possibly, letting her scream at me and what not. i was prettys sure she was drunk so i started making light of the sitautions like singing random meme audious or just making my own jokes to myself like if she was sticking her finger into my face i would go "wait, they dont loveme like i love you" (keep in mind it was 3am at that point and i cant say i was thinking straight either)

and eventually it got so bad because she wouldn't let me walk or have my own personal spcae (that i really like) that i went down, with my laptop to study for a test i have where my dad was watching tv thinking my mom wqas asleep. he asked me why i was still awake and coming down and at that point i just kinda broke down, and he went up and told her to stop repeated and harrasing me and all that. i couldn't sleep but i didn't feel like thinking at all, i just wanted to lay on the floor and breathe. my parents were fighting till maybe 4? im not toos ure sincei put on my headphones so silence it out. so yeah thats pretty much it but theres a few things that i wanna say about this:

- wheneve i tried to say something she would interrupt or she wouldn't take a single thing i said to consideration and pull out her own version of what i said and reply to that instead (probably bc of the alchohol)

- she would follow me around and grab me and taunt me and putting her face/finger/phone in my face which i think has just given me major claustrophobia

- she pulled the "i fought with your dad for you to go to a good school" card a lot but whenever it was just me or my dad, he woul always make sure i had the things i needed for school and always wanted to know i was happy or not, she's been pulling this card since i was idk, 5? and now that i think about it, someone who was againts giivng me a good education wouldn't want to further contribute to that no? she also said that she had to fight for me to have my own room which was also weird, idk who to trust anymore because it's not llike i can jyst ask my dad. but if she's lying then i think that she probabl had some delirious dream that was so vivid she belived it was true or maybe my dad actually didn't want me to have a good education but that would be really weird, but then again maybe he still doesn't believe in it but has no choice since he's already given in.

someone please tell me if this is normal and that i'm just being dramatic and that my teenager hormones are acting up

I am sick, and it's so annoying. It's "just" the flu, so of course it's not so bad when you think about others that have it way worse, but I just don't have time to be sick. I can't miss school (like I'm genuinely not allowed to miss more school, I've been sick so much this year), I can't miss practice because we have some tests coming up that will partially determine if I make the big teams this season (very vague, point is that these tests are important) and it's also just really fucking annoying to be sick.

Also, since it's not like a headache-type situation that goes away in a day, it's the flu or something like it. My head, body and joints ache, my nose is running, I'm feverish on/off and I'm coughing and sneezing all the time. And I know I'm gonna feel like this for at least a week because I always do when I get sick like this. But it's not just now I'm getting sick - I got a cold a week or so before Christmas and I swear I haven't been completely fresh since. And yes, I took time off from everything back then, but I just never freaking get over it. And it happens every year; I get sick in November/December and don't completely recover until like March, and in that whole time period it comes back periodically almost like once a month.

Anyways, I'm pretty fkn annoyed by it because now I can't get anything done for the next week because my body aches even just lying still, and once again I don't improve at all in the winter season. And yes, I've called my doctor but they said something along the likes of "oh you have the flu? Like you do every year where you can't get over it? Sounds tough, deal with it"

It's so strange that in my 19 years of life I have never seen able to make any friends. I do have one friend whom I went to school with and whom I have known for 15 years but now that she has a Bf we don't get to talk as much. Even in Uni I still haven't been able to make any friends. I'm an introvert so it's already kinda hard for me to talk to people and to be honest it drains me out.

I don't really care about socialising or making friends that much as I'm more focused on my studies and getting successful but sometimes it hurts to have no one to talk to. I don't know what is the reason honestly if there's something wrong with me or what idk.

Sometimes I wonder if I died would anyone even care?

Maybe I'm too boring to talk or maybe my Vibes don't match here. It's so depressing sometimes to just be alone in class, at home, everywhere it sucks. Sometimes I just want to cry because there's literally nobody I can talk to.

I just wanted to vent here because like I said I don't have anyone to talk to.

Hi, I'm not sure if this is really family drama but I feel it's similar. I'm a 34 year old female. I'm currently in a deep depression that I am having difficulty getting out of. This all started about maybe 4 years ago. I got the news that my oldest brother who is 11 years older than me had stage 4 terminal cancer. I was in complete shock, my brother is more like my mother and father in one. We lost my mother a year before his diagnosis and we have another brother who is 2 years older than me. My oldest brother, Chris, has always been there for me(financially, emotionally and all around). He became my person well before my mom passed but was the person I talked to every day a little before she passed. Chris has been there for me through thick and thin and has even helped me take care of my daughter more than anyone else in my life. I trust that man with my life and my daughters life. I knew he was told he wouldn't make it but I prayed so hard that he would. I couldn't imagine life without my brother. About a year ago, a week before my daughters bday the day came where he passed. I never cried harder in my life. The person who was my mom, dad and brother in one was gone. I couldn't even grieve right as I felt I had to be there for everyone else. I have gone on almost a year missing him more than I have even missed my own mother. I honestly just want my brother back, I go to therapy but it really don't help. To make matters worse my dog that I've had for 12 years passed suddenly last month. Apollo was my best friend for 12 years and I lost him not even a year after my brother. All this has got me to the point I don't know what to do. The only thing keeping me going and waking up is my daughter. I'm so upset I can't think straight and I'm doing what I can to keep things together. But I feel I'm breaking apart. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, but I've lost too much too close together. I've tried talking to my dad and other brother but it don't help. My dad has pulled away for the most part in life and my other brother has tried to be there but it's just not the same. I miss Chris more than anything and it hurts so much, and I'm not even sure how to process losing Apollo. I know ppl will say he's just a dog but he's been my best friend for 12 years and been there for me when no one else was. My dog was more than a dog to me. And I feel like most of my heart is gone. My daughter is the only light I have left and I feel I'm loosing my will to live. I can't do that because she needs me more. Any advice on what I can do would be greatly appreciated. And please no find God comments or pray. It doesn't work and I don't think I can deal with that cause I can't think God would take 2 of the most important things from me in my life. I've literally lost hope in praying for now. So please no religious stuff I can't handle it.

I don't have a job

I have a shitty GPA

My friends all have friends that they like more than me

I’ve never held someones hand

I’ve never kissed someone

or had sex

or gone on a date

I’ve never gotten drunk

I've never gone to a real party

I can't drive

I can't make a phone call without feeling nauseous

I can’t go to gym class

I can't watch what I eat no matter how hard I want to diet and how much I hate myself everytime I take a bite

I can't be bothered with school

I don't have the money for college

I’ll never look the way I want to look

I’ll never be famous

I’ll never meet anyone famous

I’ll never have kids

I’ll never be rich

I probably won't even ever be “upper middle class” or “comfortably rich”

I’ll never not have a roomate

Being trans is literally illegal

and its not like I can just not be a guy

I’ll never be able to get on a plane

So I’ll never be able to leave

I can't see a future

I can't see one year from bow

I can't see myself graduating

I won't be able to pay for college

Once FAFSA and the DoE are disbanded

I can't even be bothered to sit up

And grab the blanket

At the end of my bed

Because my hair is wet

And I’m cold

How am I supposed to do anything when everyone I know is everything I wish I was and there's no way to go back in time and do everything

To make the backstory as short as possible I’ll simplify. At 11 my dad died. At 13 I entered foster care. All was drug related. After being in care for a few months no one wanted me and they put me in a mental hospital which is normal for teens. They drugged us there to keep us high and quiet. I lived there for two years to get ripped from that life to a farm life of no pills, religion, and no time out of the house. I went to school, church, and back at home to clean, so once I left that one I was 17 and free to the world ( I graduated at 17) I immediately jumped relationship to relationship, introduced to drugs, and after having two miscarriages I started drinking my sorrows. After a year after this started I was pregnant with my first. Things didn’t go well with the father and I, he was abusive and a m37h addict. I had no clue until we were in a shitty trailer and all my money was gonna and I was stuck. I have no family, nothing. I ended up smoking weed my entire pregnancy and allowed my half brother to adopt him (I only contacted out of desperation he’s the only bit of my dad left) he and I don’t speak other than about the baby but that’s about it. Its always been tense. After this I fell pregnant again after three months postpartum with a guy that I really felt was different. I truly still love him and that’s what makes this so hard. He smoked weed and so did I. He couldn’t quit and I wanted to but there was so much that made me feel hated and unloved. Things started getting physical and we were in that same trailer which was all but a shack. After the birth of my daughter at six weeks early the relationship between me and everyone became tense. Since she was in the nicu only certain visitors could come in alone otherwise I’d have to be in there. During a visit with my bfs mom she kissed my daughter on the forehead who might I add was at the time having breathing issues and was not breathing on her own. She was just born too early and it would take some time. But unfortunately I would have to fight to get a chance to keep her since I smoked weed. I got clean for a few months but my drug tests said I was still smoking. Once they signed off my rights, I started smoking again because I felt there was no reason to try. I drank again. I gave up. Then something snapped in me. I got back to just weed and way less than normal. I’m getting close to quitting. Today however, almost a year since my daughters birth, my bfs mawmaw decided to throw new info my way and it felt very malice and no one seems to care that she said it at all. Including my boyfriend who still can’t get clean either. She said that my daughter might have cerebral palsy and it’s because I did drugs while pregnant. I’ve already blamed myself for the entire year about any issue she has as is. I’ve wanted to do better but that’s where I’m stuck too. I have no car, no license, barely a job, and my relationship feels very… one sided. Controlled. When I get close to feeling like I can just do it homeless, he loves me more. When I fully trust and love him and everything feels at its best, he gets abusive. I know the obvious answers but at this point how things are, his family has money and if I leave I’ll never know another thing about my daughter. Ever. If I stay, I hurt myself to be there for her in any way I can. Even to get just a picture every other month, it’s worth the hell I go through. Being a mother biologically is still an awful and wonderful feeling. I want to be better, but everyone around me tell me how much I do wrong and any time I open my mouth they say I’m making excuses, they yell at me. I feel like a little kid but in the hospitals again. Just like an orphan they can’t quite just not help but what they do is worse than not helping. I want to break free and change but the only way at this point is fully being homeless and losing all my belongings. I don’t know what I could ask for on advice or anything. I just need some reassurance that I’m some way it’ll all work out for the best.