Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 37

hi I'm fox(19 female)

so about 1 years ago I joined a youth group for lgbt teenagers, there I got re-acquainted with a friend (firefly 21 male) I met 5-year prior. a couple weeks later he some of his friend(butterfly 21 female) & ( Hound Dog 21 male) joined the youth group . I'd seen both of his friends before but had never really talked to them , anyway we all became a friend group. that summer I got particular close to butterfly and I realise I really liked her and I wasn't sure if she felt the same way until, firefly told me he absolutely believed butterfly had a crush on me as well. so we went on flitting for at least 9 months. one day I was planning to meet up with her and talk her how I feel, so a week before I sent her a message as her if she was free to meet up, she didn't answer me for 2 months , of course after 1 week I asked the others if they had heard anything. Hound dog, said he hadn't heard anything, but firefly said that butterfly was just going through somethings and didn't really want to talk ( of course this hurt me a bit but anyway). over the next 3 months firefly keep reassuring me that it had not to do with me. in the 3rd month firefly eventually, told me and butterfly that we need to talk about because it was "effecting his mental health " ( side note I understand that this was a complete normal response if I had been as him question but he was the one who would ask me if butterfly had text me back. )

so butterfly and do have a conversation about it. from the conversation I understood why she didn't text me back. I had still have feelings for her and firefly knew this. so one day he said I don't think she ready for a relationship. which made sense until, not even a full month later he released he had feelings for butterfly. and they got into a relationship.

so I bit my tongue and pretend it didn't bother me.

now you maybe wondering what did Hound dog think about this hole situation. he completely agree and supported me. (side note: Hound Dog and firefly are no longer friend, has for me and firefly, well that complicated, you see firefly is the type of person who you feel like he'll get himself killed at any moment so I still want to keep an eye on him. ) so now comes the reason why I'm writing this,

2 day ago butterfly opened up to me about how she didn't feel good about the relationship and that she felt really low in energy when she around him.

for any you want to know yes I still have feelings for her but I'm suppressing them

So my question is what do I do?

if you have any questions please ask and I'll try to answer them in an update or in the comments.

I’m not entirely sure what to put to be honest, I’ve tried multiple venting websites and there’s not much to say but here goes nothing.

last night at around half eight pm my cat, Bendy, passed away.

the whole night I stayed up crying to the point where I haven’t got enough sleep, I went to school today and I was so tired I didn’t even know what my own name was.

i haven’t got anyone in my life to speak to about this and I seriously don’t know what to do.

it’s even got to the point where I’ll burst out crying at anything cat related, literally before posting this I was crying looking at old pictures of him.

I don’t expect this to get much attention but meh.

so I'm a young animator in middle school currently trying to balance my new object show, school, and my various disabilities that make it difficult to even live properly. I love my show, it brings me joy, but I'm wondering if I'm fixating too much on it. my grades are fucked, im getting in trouble more, and the hiring process is certainly not helping.

how do I stop my mind from constantly replaying the same incident, situation, experience or thoughts over and over again. it's like never ending. whether its a good thing or bad thing, it doesn't seem to leave my mind, especially not on the same day of occurrence. and it's getting annoying cuz if there was something I found embarrassing, I would think about it, feel all embarrassed and crappy, somehow manage to forget or chuck it to the back of my head, and then boom it hits me back again with goosebumps and depending on the situation, a rapid heartbeat.

when will my mind be settled and at ease/peace?

I mean it's not only negative thoughts as I've said before, it could be something funny or something that I'm proud of too, like ohh I finally spoke up to so and so. it's just that how can I possibly think about the same thing (with all the details and visuals) like 50 times in one day.

I also don't get over things very fast. If I'm annoyed with someone, shocked about something I found out, it's never a one time thing to think about, experience and forget it to never revisit it, or at least to revisit it briefly after some time.

there's more I want to say but I can't remember lol

help!

i don’t even know where to begin honestly. like i get that siblings are supposed to be annoying sometimes, but my sister? she takes it to a whole other level. every single day it’s like she wakes up with one mission: make my life miserable. she’s two years younger than me, but she acts like she owns the house. always barging into my room, touching my stuff without askin, and then playing the victim when i get mad. like no, Mia, you don’t get to wear my hoodie, spill soda on it, and then cry when i yell about it. she drives me crazy and somehow she’s always the one who gets away with it too. mom and dad are just like “she’s younger, be patient.” bro, i have been patient and i’m done now.

and it’s not just the little stuff either. she has this way of making everything a competition. like if i get a good grade, she suddenly needs to remind everyone that she got an A on her science project. if i make a joke at dinner and people laugh, she has to jump in and make one louder. it’s like she can’t stand me getting even five seconds of attention. nd when we fight (which is every day), she somehow twists it around to make it look like it’s my fault. i’ll be calmly explaining why she needs to stay out of my room and she’ll start yelling or crying and boom—i’m the “bad guy” again. i swear she has a talent for pushing every button i have.

i try to ignore her sometimes, like just put in my headphones and chill in my room. but even then she’ll find a way to be loud, play music from her phone in the hallway, or “accidentally” knock on my door five times for no reason. like girl, what do you even want?? she asks me dumb questions she could’ve just googled, or she’ll randomly start asking me who i’m texting just to annoy me. sometimes she literally sits outside my door and sings horrible on purpose. and then she laughs when i open the door mad. she lives for that reaction. it’s like she feeds off my frustration and it’s driving me up the wall.

but then, and this is the worst part, there are moments where she’s actually nice. like randomly she’ll bring me a snack or say something funny that actually makes me laugh. and for two seconds i’m like “ok maybe she’s not the worst.” but then she goes right back to being a menace. i don’t get how one person can flip personalities that fast. i try to be a good brother (sometimes), like i help her with homework when she asks and i walk her home from school when she misses the bus. but it’s like none of that matters because as soon as she’s bored again, i’m back to being her favorite target.

and you know what makes it even harder? my parents. they always say “you’re the older one, set the example.” like okay but why do i have to be the mature one all the time?? why can’t she be held accountable too? just because she’s younger doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to be annoying 24/7. sometimes i feel like they don’t even listen to my side of the story. they just assume i’m the one overreacting. nd i get it, she’s their baby or whatever, but it’s still not fair. she knows she can get away with anything if she cries or acts innocent, and she uses that. trust me.

i guess at the end of the day, i still care about her. like if someone messed with her at school, i’d probably defend her without even thinking. but when we’re at home? she’s my number one headache. maybe when we’re older we’ll get along better, but right now? she’s annoying, loud, nosy, and always in my business. and if she reads this—Mia, stop taking my hoodies and get out of my room. please. thanks.

I’m starting to feel pretty uncomfortable with how close my girlfriend is getting with this guy I just get the weirdest feeling about and it’s making me feel so damn jealous.

i used to think happiness was like… some reward u get after everything in ur life goes right. like u graduate, u get a good job, everyone loves u, and then bam happiness shows up like “congrats, u made it.” but that’s not how it works, not really. i learned that the hard way. last year was probly the worst year of my life. my parents were fighting nonstop, i failed two classes, and my best friend stopped talkin to me outta nowhere. it felt like everything was crashing down at once, and there was nothin i could do but watch it all fall apart. i cried so much. like real sobbing until my chest hurt. there were days i didn’t wanna get outta bed, where i felt like nobody would notice if i just disappeared.

but then weirdly, in the middle of all that mess, little things started hittin different. like one time i was sittin outside by myself feelin like crap, and this cat just walked up to me and sat on my lap like it knew i needed somethin soft and warm. i know that sounds dumb but i swear that moment made me feel a tiny bit okay. then a week later my younger brother made me a sandwich “just cuz you looked sad” and didn’t even ask for anything in return. and i dunno, stuff like that kept happenin. not big, movie-type moments or whatever, just small stuff. but when ur in a dark place, even a lil light can feel huge. and i started to realize maybe happiness isn’t this big magical thing u wait for, maybe it’s hidden in the cracks, in the quiet moments we usually ignore.

it didn’t fix everything, obviously. my parents still argue sometimes, i still stress about school, and i still don’t really know what i’m doin with my life. but now when things go wrong, i don’t feel like it’s the end anymore. i try to look for those tiny pieces of good, the ones that used to feel invisible to me. like when my friend texted me a meme after we hadn’t talked in months, or when a teacher said they liked my essay even though i thought it sucked. stuff like that used to slide right past me, but now i hold onto it. i collect it like proof that even in the middle of all the dark, happiness can still show up. it’s not always loud, but it’s there if you look for it.

so yeah, if you’re goin through it right now, if it feels like everything is fallin apart and ur stuck in this fog that won’t lift—i get it. i really do. but please just keep goin. even if all u do today is shower or eat somethin or smile once, that’s enough. you’re still movin forward. and eventually, the dark won’t feel so heavy. eventually, the lil things will start to glow again. and one day, maybe when u least expect it, happiness will find its way back to you—not because everything’s perfect, but because you kept going anyway. and that’s real strength. that’s real light.

(Names are fake for privacy even though I don't think either one of them is on here) So for context I grew up with this friend named Blake and he got with his now ex named Miranda at the time about a year and a half after we became friends. They were young and had a kid young but it didn't last because of how both of them were with each other, typical story of him not doing enough for both the relationship and as a father (He is a great father now) and her treating him bad because of it to where she got fed up with him and tired of being that person with him and left him. They both moved on almost 15 years ago and can't stand each other but get along for their kid, We all grew up together as a result so I know Miranda pretty well.

It started as a crush after they broke up, I was having a hard time and she was there for me when I needed it but she didn't know I was struggling that badly because I didn't talk about it so it was just genuine concern and help for me and I don't have a lot of that in my life, so it moved me. I'm not the kind of guy who acts on his emotions or goes after friends girls so I avoided her because of it afterwards. She found a few people over the years and I found someone also. I was with my ex-wife for over 10 years and after we broke up I ran across Miranda on a dating website. We both matched with each other but I just assumed it was to be funny since friends do that on dating websites to mess with each other and give each other shit and I never seriously thought she was interested. After we matched though I noticed I got excited and didn't know what to expect which confused me because I didn't know why I was excited and why I would expect anything when we're supposed to be friends and it had been years since that crush had happened and nothing came from it anyway but I realized I still had a crush.

We talked and I didn't make a move or a pass and just warned her what to expect being on these sites from what I've read from other woman on there. Dick pics, asshole guys, matching but not talking etc. it was a casual conversation but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt similar and that's why she matched too but just chalked it up to my brain just wanting that to be true so it would validate my feelings and said nothing. She didn't stay on there much longer and told me later the next day on the app that she was going to get off of the app because it was lame and what I was saying was true.

I kept my feelings to myself but it seems like they keep growing, I keep thinking about her even when I try not too or keep busy to not think anything at all but nothing seems to work and she is on my mind even though we haven't talked for in a long time. Miranda is currently with someone right now and has been for awhile but from what I've heard she's been drinking and depressed and isn't happy with him. Idk if they will last much longer but I'm stuck because I can't really tell her how I feel even if they break up or not.

I don't really think she feels the same and might find it weird especially if she only sees me as a friend, it could ruin things with her and also she's Blake's ex and I have no idea how he would feel about it and don't want to ruin a friendship of almost 20 years over this. I know him and while he would probably be cool to me or cool to me to my face, I know he wouldn't consider me like a brother anymore or close friend anymore either. If for some reason or way I did tell her and the feeling is reciprocated and I do end up ruining a friendship, what if her and I don't end up lasting.?? Then I ruined my friendship for nothing and end up alone with almost no one in both ways.

So this is my blessing and my curse, Im blessed because I see who she is and she's amazing and I'm glad I got to experience it but my curse is I don't think I can ever actually speak on how I feel to her without potentially fucking everything up either with her or Blake or both. I haven't told anyone except 1 person awhile ago but we don't talk anymore, so almost no one knows my real feelings for her. Instead I sit in silence while she gets with yet another guy who treats her like shit that she swears she loves. If I tell her to leave him then I look like I have alternate motives considering my feelings, especially if I did tell her eventually and it's not my relationship to meddle with to begin with when they could end up working it all out.

It's been driving me nuts and I had to say something to someone and get it off my chest, so I figured a place like this would be the best place to at least say something finally, even if it's not who I want to tell.

At work, someone had big news and they were telling everyone about it. So I thought they said something to a two people that come every day in the afternoon to help out. When I mention this to them, they were shocked but it was not supposed to be me to say this. I thought the person I told them. And now I got a little lecture next time let me say this. The thing is I can’t minds and every time I get that look like why did you do that? It gets me down like I didn’t know that you want to tell them let me know next time. Yet I didn’t say that to them. I want to, but I can’t. It makes me feel like why tell me this or let me know that you want to say this to them, it’s kinda hard to have this, knowing what to say the fact is, I wanna tell these two workers that it it’s something important and they might wanna bring a gift for them. That’s all I know I might be the bad guy in this but in my point of view when I ever get these things or say the wrong thing, you didn’t tell me that you want to say this first or this is private please don’t tell anyone because I get mixed singles and I blur it out. It might not be great, but if you give me more detail, then it’ll be easier for everyone.

Just give me a reason not to overdose on the iron supplements in the cabinet at my house.

Wrongfully accused and now wrongfully convicted and for what? I cheated on my then spouse, found myself in this whirl wind bad boy wrong side of the tracks lustfilled adventure only to wake up and find myZelf swept up in this unimaginable legal battle that I have lost. The judge bore down with that gavel and instantly my whole life came to a hault. One month. I've got one month left. One month left to be a daughter one month left to be a friend one month left to be my kids mother and I can't stand this anymore. The stress the anxiety the worry what will happen to my kids what will happen to my aging mother what will happen to me? I can't believe this is happening. One bad choice one wrong mistake my whole life gone . I want to scream I want to cry I want to die.

Am I the problem? I've been asking that question all day. Every time I feel like I'm helping/trying too or protecting/caring for my friends/people it seems to never work or I cause problems more, more stress and more drama. Sometimes I don't even mean to hurt I'm just trying to fix things

maybe it some weird thing I do but every time I do something I think/Be live is right or helping it doesn't seem to work out and in the end I lose people more or I end up making wounds bigger and deeper. I've lost friendships and relationships to my "mess ups" so I get hated or hurt myself because I don't mean harm, sometimes I can be a lot but really all I want to do is heal and care for people, maybe I'm to "helpful" maybe I "cause the drama" maybe I'm not supposed to help and maybe I'm meant to be something different. I want to be happy and help others find the joy I found but maybe I've got it all wrong maybe people don't need me or want help and maybe I'm trying to fill some void that's been empty for years.

in the posses of "helping" You end up losing more than you "gain" overall...

To anyone who knows me/finds this. I'm so flipping sorry for trying to be something you don't need. I'm sorry for making it worse. you can fight me, hate me, say whatever you want to because clearly I'm meant to have a different story then I thought.

ur thoughts?..

Dear me,

I see you in Math class right now, trying to ignore all those annoying loud kids. I'm doing the same thing. Math class is such a bother right? Anyway. Enjoy marching band today! I can tell you can't wait to see Kiara!

I know, all the friendgroup drama is getting you down. You feel like you're unimportant, like nobody likes you. But hey, that's not true! You have Amelia and Johne, and Kiara too! They all love you. Even if some of the others don't.

You just gotta learn to love yourself, that's what you gotta do. That's why you started 7Cups. So you could learn to love yourself. Make sure you keep up with that, by the way. I have the feeling it'll really help you through the clouds of your depression. And if [the other two] start to recognise your vents here on IIWIARS, you can switch to The Void.

Hey, you'll get through this. As I tell you in all of these letters, you'll be fine. Sure, some of the others hate you, but when high school comes, you won't have to worry about them because you'll have made new friends. Keep your head up.

I'm proud of you, you know. You've been dealing with this better than what I'd expect from most. You're actually trying to get better on your own.

You are never alone, you know. You have Amelia, and Johne, and Kiara. Whatever Emma said about you, whatever Bowie thinks, it doesn't matter. Because they don't define who you are. Only you do that.

You got this,

You

I think I have an website idea, (or SAAS) and I think it has potential, but I’m not too good of making websites, so my question is that is there a way I can find someone who is willing to do like I partnership, like idk how to explain it. Like they will NOT be getting paid first cause it’s not ur typical employment, like we both could like own the website they design and build it . I give ideas. They could even give ideas. Since we both own it. Like abd then when it actually starts making money we both have the income . So at first we both will be working on the website and we will just see how it grows. I am tryna find this person online

I'm not ok, I think. I haven't slept in three days, haven't eaten a thing today except for some Smarties and don't plan to eat anything else. I just feel like I'm sinking in the deep end. All my friends are changing and I'm left behind, the same as I've always been, wondering where everyone else went. I just need to grow up, people tell me that all the time, sometimes to be reassuring and sometimes to be insulting, but I can't, I don't change even when everyone else does. I'll always be me, the one who hides everything inside and only shows people what they want, but yet I'm still hated and ridiculed because I did something wrong, because I refused someone's help, because I forgot to be who they wanted me to be. I just wish I could show them the person inside, with no fear that they'd hate me more than they do. Everyone around me only tolerates me, and barely at that. Maybe I'm being a drama queen, people often say that I am, but I'm just so sick and tired of being misunderstood. They see me as an attention seeker when I try to hint at the fact that maybe I need more help than I'm letting on. Everyone's tired of my crap. I constantly give people issues, I start fights, I don't deserve to be here. People would be better off without me. Don't worry, I have something to remind me that death is never the only way out of things. But that reminder hasn't been working as well lately. Nobody really even likes me. I'm a hypocrite, and idiot, a weirdo, and nuisance, a burden on this world. I'm hanging on but barely. I keep stumbling through the tunnel but the light is getting dimmer. The clouds are coming back. The sun is gone. I am unlovable and unloved. No one wants to even try with me anymore. And it's not like I can tell anyone this. They'd never understand.