Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 40

I hate my friend. It's like she never considers my feelings. She has never asked me how I am. Everyday it's like walking on a minefield around her, I don't know what will piss her off next. I hate how she makes me feel. Like I'm no one. I can't be my true self around her. I wanna end our friendship but that would mean I'd be alone for the rest of highschool. I cant make any other friends since I'm kind of a bullying target.

I don’t even know when it started feeling like this, but lately… I swear it’s like she hates me. My girlfriend, the same girl who used to hold my hand everywhere we went, who used to text me she missed me just 10 minutes after saying goodbye, now she barely looks at me. Every conversation turns into some fight, sometimes over the dumbest things. Like if I don’t reply fast enough, she acts like I’m cheating. If I ask for some space, she says I’m pulling away and accuses me of not caring. I try so hard to show her I love her—I bring her stuff she likes, I cancel plans just to be with her, I listen when she vents—but it’s like nothin I do is ever good enough. She’s always mad. Or cold. Or just not there. And I can’t lie, it hurts. It hurts more than I wanna admit, cuz I still love her. But it’s like I’m stuck in this weird loop where I’m trying to fix something that keeps breakin itself no matter what I do.

What’s even more confusing is that sometimes she does act like she still cares. She’ll cuddle up to me outta nowhere, or send a sweet message, or talk about the future like nothin’s wrong. And I hold on to those moments like crazy, thinkin maybe things are gonna get better. But then the next day it’s back to the same distance, the same anger in her voice, the same feeling like she’s annoyed I’m even around. I started questioning myself constantly. Like am I the problem? Am I really that bad of a boyfriend? I replay things I said, things I did, wonderin where I went wrong. And when I bring it up to her, she either shuts down completely or flips it on me. Says I’m too sensitive, that I take everything the wrong way. But it don’t feel like I’m being dramatic. It feels like I’m bein slowly pushed away by someone who used to love me, and I don’t even kno why.

I think the worst part is that I’m still here, still hoping it’ll go back to how it was in the beginning. Back when she smiled when she saw me, when we stayed up all night talking, when I didn’t have to wonder every day if she even liked me anymore. I miss her, even when she’s right in front of me. And yeah, I know it might be toxic, I know it’s probly not healthy to stay in something that feels so one-sided, but walking away feels impossible. Cuz what if it’s just a phase? What if she’s just goin through something? What if she still loves me deep down but doesn’t know how to show it? I keep askin myself these questions to justify stayin. But at the same time… I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like the enemy in my own relationship. I’m tired of wonderin every day, why does my girlfriend hate me? Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she’s just hurt, or lost, or angry about somethin else. Or maybe... she really does. And I’m just the fool still tryin to fix a heart that ain’t beatin for me anymore.

I’m just really tired and I wanted somewhere to vent that wasn’t to someone I knew, and it was better than my notes app. For the past 6 years I was severely abused in every sense of the word. I got raped at 14 in my school bathroom, and then it just kept happening from different people. I’m in college now which is weird. I moved out. Moved across the country and I just don’t feel better. I got assaulted again here. And then I was dating this guy for a few months and found out he was just using me for sex and he told me he never cared about me. Then I got pregnant and miscarried. He doesn’t know. Barely any of my friends do and they think I’m joking. I relapsed so bad that my wrists from elbows are coated. And I’ve been talking to this guy that I really like but I think he just wants sex too. I’m so sick of that being my only place of worth or value. I deserve more I just can’t find it. Anyways the guy that got me pregnant and doesn’t know texted me last night. I went over to his place and he just cried and apologized for everything for hours. It kind of made me spiral and crash out. My ex girlfriend who I never really got over also followed me on instagram so that’s insane. It just feels like no matter what I decide it’s the wrong decision and like everything is always my fault.

I have a friend group and I’m the youngest in the group. I’m already dealing with mental health problems again after I worked so hard to get better, and everyone in the group comes to me for help with their mental health. And fights in the group, I’m always the therapist in the group. And it’s getting so hard to deal with, I’m getting. Close to ruining my 4 month clean streak because I need an. Outlet for it, and I can’t leave the friend group because even though they’re making it hard for me they’re also the only ones keeping me alive and I’m just so tired..they all ask if I’m ok every now and then and I always say I’m fine because right after I say that they go to venting to me. I’m so tired..

Sometimes i'd want to reset my life like a video game (even though i know It's not) and start over and do everything right because i just keep messing up. I feel like i'm a failure and like i'm wasting my time and other people's because no matter what i do and what i try i never get better. I always feel so exhausted and tired and every day feels like It's getting worse and i don't even know how to explain It to people It feels like i'm rotting and It's been like this for years now and It's only getting worse and i don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of feeling this way and ruining the things I was working for. I just want to hide and sleep forever. I'm so so tired. I've been tired for years now and It never gets better.

My confession.

Well

I’m 14, newly 14. I recently have had a baby. Titus, is what I named him, no one knows. No one thinks that he’s mine, I’ve been just saying he’s my mom’s, she’s absolutely pissed about it but she loves him. I just can hold it in, telling people he’s not my baby and that I feel the longer I tell people he’s not mine the more he will think that I’m not his mother. I refused to stay at the hospital for the 3 days because I would’ve missed school and it would’ve been suspicious. So I went, literally eating pain medicine for lunch and breakfast. I have to pump everyday before and after school, I do this because He is tongue tied and breastfeeding him is difficult. The father doesn’t know yet, and I don’t think he ever will. What do I do?

So i like this boy named Kaleb but hes dating a girl named Allison and i have liked Kaleb for 5 school years but 7 normal years and he has rarely talked to me or noticed me the last time he did i found out he was a very sexual guy and i didn't know how i felt about that but i think i still like him and now his GF his threatening to fight me for him but then i like my ex as well his name is Leo and he told me to kill myself when we broke up but now i'm friends with Leo and i don't know what to do!

“Goodnight, mom,” I whispered into the darkness.

“Goodnight, my dear,” I saw the door open, the light from the hall momentarily pouring in, then the door closed, locking me in darkness once again.

Despite all that had happened that day, I was asleep before long.

----------

I opened my eyes, but I wasn’t in my bedroom. Rather, I was somewhere... else. Somewhere very else indeed.

I shut my eyes. I waited for my mind to calm down. Then I opened them again. I took a look at my surroundings.

I was in a place. Where this place was, I had no idea. But the whole place seemed strangely familiar. The floor was a checkerboard of white, red, yellow, blue, and green tiles. There were large white pillars every few feet. And the feeling the place gave me... a shiver ran down my spine. It felt temporary, like I wasn’t supposed to be there too long.

Well. If I was supposed to get going, I supposed I would.

I started wandering aimlessly, trying to find a door, but the space seemed to never end despite the fact that I could see the walls on either side of me and behind me. I walked and walked for maybe ten minutes.

I started to feel fatigued. Suddenly, something felt... off. Something was shifting in the universe. Something told me I’d been there too long.

I blinked. Before me was a door that definitely had not been there before. Hesitantly, I turned the knob. I pushed the door open.

Before me was a hallway. It looked like one you'd find in a hotel, except I couldn’t see an end. The corridor was poorly lit, and the walls lined with doors. None of them had handles.

This place gave me a weird feeling, just like the first had: I’ve been here before, this is temporary, don’t stay for too long. But it also felt kind of... in-between, like it was there and nowhere at the same time. Like a threshold between... realities.

I felt the sudden urge to get to the end of the hallway. Part of me wanted to act on that. But another part of me said to turn around and go back to the other place. And yet another part was telling me to...

Wake up?

I shook my head and started walking.

And I walked.

And walked.

A n d w a l k e d.

Andwalkedandwalkedandwalkedandwalkedand-

I reached the end.

Finally.

There was a door not unlike the one I’d come through. I reached out to turn the knob, to get out, finally. There was a sense of finality to this door, like it was the last.

But right before I put my hand on the knob, I stopped.

Froze.

Listened.

To a little voice in my head.

My curiosity.

What’s behind the other doors? I wondered.

I backtracked a few. One of the doors felt right. I stopped. I faced it.

Like all the other doors, it had no handle. But it was also different from the others. It seemed... familiar. And I knew I’d seen it before.

The door to my old house.

Hesitantly, I raised a hand. I knocked on the door. Exactly the same rhythm as I always used to knock on doors. Tap, tap, tap-tap, tap.

The door swung open.

I stepped inside.

I stumbled.

The room was familiar. It was my room, the one I’d had as a kid, before my family fell apart. I’d had that room until I was five, then my mom moved out, and then my dad moved out, and the house was sold.

I walked through the room, my room, in awe. I felt safe. Everything was as I remembered. It was a small room. Model airplanes hung from the ceiling. The walls were covered in glow-in-the-dark stars. The comforter was Cars 2 themed. The only light came from my favorite car lamp. It lit the small space surprisingly well. The desk across from the bed, the one I’d called my “work desk” was the same.

Everything was exactly the same.

Except...

On the desk sat a colouring book and a box of crayons, fresh and new. I flipped through the colouring book. Cars. My favourite thing when I was five. I sat at the desk and started colouring. After a while I was hungry. I looked around.

On the bed was a plate that held a grilled cheese sandwich with a side of ranch dressing for dipping. Next to it was a juice box. Grape juice. My favourite meal as a kid.

That hadn’t been there before.

I stood up and picked up the plate and juice box. I carried it back to the desk and continued colouring as I ate.

Vaguely I wondered whether I should probably find my way home.

But I was home.

Safe away from the pains of the real world, I could be five years old forever in my five-year-old bedroom.

And I was content with that.

----------

In the real world, the world outside the boy’s mind, everything went on as normal. The boy went to school, came home, ate his food, switched between parents, all as he normally would.

But now, he did so with a dreamy, faraway look on his face. Like he wasn’t really there.

Nobody at school noticed. To them, the boy was being his usual weird self. They avoided him, as they’d always done.

Then a new kid came. He was nervous. He didn’t know anybody.

The new kid saw the boy. Thought he might be nice. Decided to introduce himself.

“H-hey,” the new kid said. “My name’s Bowie. I’m new. What’s your name?”

The boy looked at the new kid with the same, dreamy, faraway look.

“My name is _ _ _ _ _.”

so one of my friends said my hair looks pretty today :D

the hairdo is fairly simple, just the top half of my hair in a ponytail and the bottom down and long, but when she complimented it it made me so happy

and a little bit earlier, I got triggered by a splatter on the wall at school that looked like blood and she was understanding and gave me a hug

she's just so nice and I think I might like her...

she's like my bestie and has helped me w stuff in the past.

and seeing her gives me a little flip in my stomach

and I cant help smiling when I think of her

but I mean she's already taken and I don't think shed like me anyway

what do I do?

My confession.

Well

I’m 14, newly 14. I recently have had a baby. Titus, is what I named him, no one knows. No one thinks that he’s mine, I’ve been just saying he’s my mom’s, she’s absolutely pissed about it but she loves him. I just cant hold it in, telling people he’s not my baby and that I feel the longer I tell people he’s not mine the more he will think that I’m not his mother. I refused to stay at the hospital for the 3 days because I would’ve missed school and it would’ve been suspicious. So I went, literally eating pain medicine for lunch and breakfast. I have to pump everyday before and after school, I do this because He is tongue tied and breastfeeding him is difficult. The father doesn’t know yet, and I don’t think he ever will. What do I do?

My friend emailed me. She said she was sorry for existing. HSe aiahd tahst she was s4roy for burdening ne= with her problems, that sh e should deal with them in her own, and if she wants strong enough to deal with it sh e doesn't deserve to live

I read it and my hands are still shaking, atp the onelyc reson my typing is somweehat good is because eayutpcorredct. I fel like I did something, and i also feel horrihble for not being able to cyr. I told her this:

You don't need to feel sorry for existing. I love you, Angel, and I would never want you to die. (btw im sorry if the typuing is messy myt hands are shaking ereally bad as uinmn typing thisw.s') Your existence wasnt a mistake, whe2ther yoyu think so otr not. I;m struggling to find the word sto say here, but I don't wnzt youu to disappear. I know i have iother firneds but none of thema re as funny or kind as you, or as willing to give me a hug when I;m sad, and none of tehm would ever be able to fill the hole you'd leave behinmd if you were to die. Everysing le on eof my firned are special to me, you icluded. If you have problems, I wnt to help you. Dont think youre beurdening me, i wnat to help, i like helping and i defo9nitley dont wnat you to die. Theres nothing wrong with asking for help. but if despie all i said, if you do die... just know i'll nevr forget you. You ARE loved no matter what you may think.

Idk if i helped ir made things worde, she hasnt repsnded yet. I feel so horrihble.

SOOOOOOOOOOO recently, my friendgroup has split into kinda two "halves", the Kpop fans and what I tend to call The Freaky Peeps. We're all still really good friends, it's just people stick with their respective halves rather than hang out a lot with the other half. it's just kinda the way we naturally split the friendgroup since it's so big.

I "belong" to the Kpop half of the group, and in our half, we pretty much simp over every single guy in the Kpop universe (Han from SKZ is literally SO cute, change my mind!), and The Freaky Peeps just ignore our fangirling (or, in one case, fanboying) and do their own thing, which we don't pay much attention to.

My best friend, K, is on the other half of the friendgroup, and he sees my crushes on Kpop guys as really weird. He calls me "parasocial" a lot, whatever that means, and today, we were having one of those goofy friend arguments and he actually said, "At least I don't simp over real people!" and I didn't show it but it actually hurt a bit. It felt like he was judging me, like he was saying "Oh, this is different from me, so it's weird and therefore wrong" and I know he didn't mean it like that but I just can't help but feel like he did. And now, sitting in homeroom a few minutes after he said that, I feel like he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore.

I would talk to him about it, but I've never been good at communicating my feelings and I'm scared that if I tell him how I feel about this I might accidentally reveal my trust and abandonment issues and that's the last thing I want him to know about. I just don't want him to worry. Also, I don't want our friendship to end over this.

Another thing: I feel like he only really complains over MY crushes on Kpop guys, not any of the other Kpop fans'. Like I'M the only one he sees to be a problem.

While I do love K (platonically), it's really starting to piss me off how much he judges me. I actually don't judge him as much as he's ever judged me. He's constantly commenting on something I'm doing, or someone I like, or a fandom I'm in. The closest I get to judging him is when he was OBSESSED with Dandy's World and I said, "You know, I actually genuinely hate this game" because I thought he cared more about his stupid Brightney mastery or Vee or whatever than me.

He's also made me mad in other ways: He doesn't know when to back down from a fight. Metaphorically and literally. He picks fights without even thinking about what he's saying, and when someone tries to start something with him, he bites the bait and makes the situation worse. He's gotten so many detention hours for it and no matter how many times I tell him "Just ignore them, they'll go away, don't respond to them" he just never listens, saying that he'd rather stand up than stand down but he doesn't know that sometimes, it's best to stand down.

He also defies the rules even more than I do, which is *SERIOUSLY* saying something. He's also gotten a fair share of his detention hours from that as well.

I love K with all my heart but I'm honestly wondering two things: whether he's going to stop being my friend, and whether or not our friendship is even the best thing for me.

ok so like i don’t even kno what happened. one day he was all sweet n talkin to me in class, laughin at my dumb jokes, sayin good morning on snap, just bein cute n stuff... and now? it’s like i don’t even exist. he don’t look at me, don’t reply, don’t even open my messages sometimes. i keep re-readin our convos like, did i say somethin wrong?? was i weird?? was i too much?? i swear i been thinkin about it nonstop and it’s makin me feel like i’m goin crazy. we used to talk every day and now it's just silence. and it hurts way more than i thought it would. i didn’t even realize how much i liked him until he started actin like i was invisible. like bruh what changed???

he was the first boy who made me feel kinda special, u kno? not like those fake boys who just wanna mess around. he actually listened to me, asked me about my day, remembered the lil things i said. he used to sit by me at lunch, even helped me with math one time (even tho he lowkey sucks at math lol). i thought it meant something, fr. like we had a thing, even if it wasn’t official or whatever. nd now it’s like he flipped a switch. i saw him talkin to some other girl the other day and he smiled at her in that same way he used to smile at me and ngl, it felt like a punch in the stomach. i told myself i wouldn’t catch feelings but i did and now here i am, listenin to sad songs like a dummy n tryna not to cry in front of ppl.

i asked my friends what i should do n they all said stuff like “forget him” or “he’s not worth it” but that don’t help. i don’t wanna just forget him. i wanna understand what i did wrong. like, was i too boring? too clingy? not pretty enough? it’s messin with my head. every time my phone lights up i hope it’s him but it never is. i be dreamin about him textin me like “hey sorry i was busy” or “i miss u” but it never happens. just more silence. and the worst part? i still like him. i still wanna talk to him. and i hate that. why do i care so much about someone who clearly don’t care about me anymore?

i keep tryna tell myself that if someone can just stop talkin to u like that, they were never really yours in the first place. but it don’t make it hurt any less. i miss how it felt when we were vibin, when i thought maybe, just maybe, this boy actually liked me for me. now i feel dumb. like i made it all up in my head or somethin. maybe he got bored. maybe he found someone better. maybe he never liked me at all. i dunno. but what i do kno is that bein ignored like this sucks. it makes u feel small. invisible. like u don’t even matter. and i’m tryna move on, i swear i am. but it’s hard when the only person u wanna hear from is the one who won’t even look at u. so yeah... why is he ignoring me? i wish i knew. i really do.

Life is kind of a shitty tragedy story. At least in books, the tragic characters have something, super-powers, wealth, fame, family, something to lose at least.

When I moved to a whole new province with my partner, I knew things would be hard, but I was always the hopeful type. "Maybe we'll have to only eat cup noodles for a long time, but everything will work out in the end!

He's a smart and hardworking guy, I'm a reliable girl, there's no way we'll be in financial trouble for long."

His visa is slowly expiring and he hasn't found any job. I got laid off from the only job I could find as they lacked hours to give.

Credit card maxxed out for me, family won't help him for much longer for him.

I wish I only had to worry about not being able to afford my phone bill, but unless my boyfriend finds a job in the next 2 months, he'll go back to where he's from, and I'll be stranded and homeless, on the other side of a country from my family.

I may be complaining for nothing here, my parents may help me move back in with them, but the shame will be insufferable.

I did everything right, I've always been a good person. I tried to be nice, caring and hardworking. I went to employment agencies, I gave résumés in places I'd rather die than work at, I've taken care of my hygiene and the apartment's, I've kept hope over and over, but there's only so much hope left to give.

I'll go back to my parents and be safe sure, but at what cost. I'll be a shell of myself, dead inside, ashamed and unable to try to live for myself ever again, and with credit card debt on top of that.

Tw eating disorders:

I've been talking to this guy for only a little bit but he seemed really nice and everything was going great. Hes really funny and we share the same humor but he made a joke about me that really bugged me. He made a joke calling me anorexic. I have really been struggling with self image issues for a while but I dont think he knows. The joke still really rubbed me the wrong way and I just keep thinking about it. Besides this hes been the perfect guy but I just cant seem to let this go. Am I over reacting?