Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 98

So basically, I was good friends with my ex, Eli, and I convinced him to join the XC team for fun since I was also on the team too last year. We both made it along with a couple of my friends. As I got closer with my ex, we started dating and after a couple of days, I honestly kind of just lost feelings for him, but dealt with it because I didnt want to seem like a bitch. And so like I spent quite a bit of time with my XC friends as I felt more comfortable with them, 2 of them J and M are one of my good friends, along with Ems and A, who are in my grade. (J and M are a year older than me. ) And so like I mainly hung out with J since she was an older sis to me yk? So like I hung out with her and sat down on the bus with her when we were going to one of our races, we were also doing karaoke with our XC team on the bus with our coach too. So we were blasting on some music and singing our hearts out. Me, Ems, and M were probably singing the most, basically screaming out the song lyrics (also to add M is a dude), so like as I was singing along with M, I took a glance at my then bf and he smiled but I could honestly tell he was like upset or like jealous. I didnt really think about it much, but I did tell Ems, which I told her in my native tongue, which she responed with a nod and gave me a look to tell her later when we got off the bus. So like when it was about to be my race, I felt really uncomfortable when I had to take off my undershirt because I knew that if I wore the undershirt, I would have over-heated with my jersey over it too, but I felt uncomfortable because my jersey was one of those sleeveless ones and it was a bit big on me as well, which it did show a bit of my bra, which I felt very uncomfortable. Oh and I was then talking to E about it in my native tongue while she whispered back in English. (She's not very fluent in our native tongue.) And when we went back, we were still having karaoke and then my bf was trying to gain my attention by showing me one of those AI generated videos of animals, which I thought was really weird. Now that I've broken up with him, I realized that he was being quite racist to me about my Asian heritage and that was a huge red flag! Also he then proceeds to date my friend, who at the time didnt know he was my ex, so I dont blame her. And then another one of my friends, this time is a friend I dont really like (im pretty sure she has an anime and asian men fetish), liked him and told me so yeah. So lowkey, mortal of the story is to not date people who are racist to you, and dont date your boy bsf.. (The letters and name are not their actual names as I do respect their privacy.)

Honestly, I'm just thinking about all my past decisions and how the people back then have affected me. And I thought to myself, you know, Joy and Denise are an amazing idea of toxic friends! (Joy and Denise are not their real names.) And like honestly, I dont remember all the details but I do remember the very important parts of this story. At the time, I've been friends with them for around 2 years, and Joy and Denise were very weird. Like they were pretty popular and like I now remember this, they were quite racist to me. (Mind you I'm Asian) And since like anime is from Asia so their whole ideal and sterotype of me was that I was a big time anime nerd (which I was but it was very intense as how they described it) And so basically, they would always doing imitation of each other, which they would always do weird anime poses, (which I didnt even do) so yeah. Also Joy's mom was racist to me, when she took Joy's phone, I was texting her. Her mom would always call me Chinese (which I am not just so yall know) And I would correct her because I felt like it was the best thing to do. She then still proceeds to call me Chinese. Oh and for the next experience, (TW: sexual harassment + rape jokes) So I was walking inside of the bathroom with them and then I went to go pee, as a normal person would do. They then climbed over the stalls and look at me pee. Literally. And then they would start making fun of me, asking why my pee was so yellow, how my ass was so white/pale. I had told them to stop look at me so I can go wipe. They closed their eyes for a moment and then proceeded to look at my ass and making fun of me. This also happened then I left the friend group for my own good and they would make fun of me around my new friends, in which they pitied me. Oh! and they would also force me to do weird things, like forcing me to twerk? Like honestly I actually hate myself for letting them guilt-trip into doing something that will be the top 10 most embarrassing things in my life. Oh and now currently, I'm sort of dealing with something bad as one of my friends, (who I honestly dont want to be friends with) We're going to call her Isa, Isa likes to um...slap my ass and then proceed to try to shove her finger up my ass and makes rape jokes, talking about how she was doing to "booty rape me" which I find quite uncomfortable from my trauma with Joy and Denise, but I think I think I will talk about Isa in a different story!

!vent!(it's kinda long, srryy)

Abt 3 years ago, I transferred schools. The first month was fine, I didn't really have any friends, but that was okay with me because I've always been shy and introverted. But the second month is when things took a turn for the worse. This really popular girl, who I never really paid any attention to, started picking on me for no reason. It's not that serious at first because she's just giving me looks and sneering subtle jabs at me... until she starts calling me slurs, pushing me and hitting me, fat-shaming me, and telling her inner circle of friends or whatever to bully me as well. It reached a climax when she and some of her friends ganged up on me and, uh, beat me. I'm a boy (kind of short for my grade, I'm 5'4, so they were able to get an advantage on me), however, so no one really believed me. Even when I showed the teachers the scratches, cuts, bruises, etc., all they did was email her parents. :/ At this point, I'm depressed (still am) and started not eating because her comments about my weight got to me (still do). I can't tell my parents because they have their own issues with themselves, each other, and at their jobs (we're not in a financially stable position, so I can't really change schools easily). About 5 months in(i think) and I'm at my lowest mentally and sometimes even physically as the popular girl would hit me with a variety of items. That's when he entered my life, he was also new and had moved from California, at first he would sit next to me at lunch and just silently eat next to me, then he would ask to partner up with me in school projects, and eventually we became friends. He would share his lunch with me if I forgot to pack mine or couldn't afford any school lunch, he let me come over to his house and tutor me for hours on his own time, always included (at first) me even when he gained new friends, and we had special nicknames for eachother that only we could use. He also defended me whenever the popular girl tried to bully me and her bullying became much less frequent. I love this guy and was scared to admit this to him because I'm also a guy and wasn't sure if he felt the same. This all changed the second year i think? he started becoming more distant, which was unnoticeable at first but then I spotted him with the popular girl. I felt betrayed because they were sitting next to eachother, at a secluded table, laughing and eating as if he hadn't witnessed her call me terrible names, punch me, and text me awful things. I was so freaking confused and confronted him about it. He shrugged it off and they became closer, and closer, and closer. Until, you guessed it, they announced they were dating. It got worst bc when she picked back up bullying me(sometimes i wonder if its even worse now) he's present for most of it and either stays silent or laughs/chuckles. I don't know what I did wrong. This is pretty much my everyday life now and I hate going back to school everyday. He won't even look at me without showing me the middle finger and laughing at me. I sit alone now and cry pretty much everyday bc I love him and I can't figure out what the fuck I did wrong. I've stopped eating again(sometimes for days at a time), I'm going comatose for most of the day, and my grades are dropping. I just want him back.

Tbh I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing this I guess because I don’t really have any other way to get it out . I’m a 20 year old man I’ve lived on my own for a few years with no support from family or friends. I got married when I was 19 to a woman I had been with for several years and at the time had a 9 month old son with. About 5 months into our marriage she told me she wanted a divorce and with the divorce she wasn’t just leaving me but our 1 year old son so for the last 6 months it’s just been me and him and I love him very much and wouldn’t have it any other way . But a lot of times I feel like I’m failing him as a father because I struggle so much financially his birthday was a few weeks ago and I wasn’t able to afford any gifts for him as well as now Christmas being two weeks away and I still can’t afford anything for him . I know that these things don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I try to tell myself he is fed and clothed an healthy and he has a nice place to live but as his father it’s hard for me to not give him things like Christmas gifts and birthday presents because I want him to have the world and experience the magic of the holidays . Its been a long year and I just wish I could give him a magical Christmas

!!VENT!!

sure.. haha its my first time talking or writing about my feelings :) but I'll try to explain it as clear as i can. so.. i dont know i feel so so sooooooo overwhelmed and stressed even in smallest things, but i keep procrastinating and it makes me hate myself more... i wanna do it but i just cant.. its like my mind acts on its own like copying the homework from answers and not doing it myself - i wanna do it, i do really! but... ugh.. i hate it.. and this is the first problem i guess..

and others are like, hmm maybe very very low self esteem?? haha i know it sounds pathetic but i cant even trust myself with simplest things.. for example lets say i did the dishes an hour ago, then my mom comes and tells me that i havent done it. And i'll automatically start rethinking about it, doubting myself and manipulating myself into thinking i really didnt do it... i know its just my lame fantasies and overthinking.. but it makes my life even more harder... generally we can say my memory, head, imagination and everything related with mind is a mess!! complete dark mess!! it feels so so soooo foggy that i cant even think properly sometimes....and other problem is that i dont even trust myself with my own freaking emotions or thoughts!!! i feel like my mind is manipulating me into thinking or just making up my emotions and opinions.... i dont even trust myself.... let alone others.... i dont even trust my parents fully.... and i feel bad for it... they've done nothing but love me and support me... spend dozen of money for my education and wants.... but what about me?... im a psychopath who even doubts her love for her family!!! i feel like im faking everything and im just a evil ungrateful heartless monster inside.. who dont deserve this much opportunities.. support... love.. and trust.... they rely on me while im also lost and trying to find myself through the darkness and fogginess of my mind... i feel so useless... talentless... like my friends and family would be better off without me causing them to worry about my crazy mental health, extreme mood swings minimum twice a day, my dark jokes that worry them instead of making them laugh.... and my teachers.. who trust me... believe that i could get into good uni and take 8,5 or 9 score from IELTS (yea, english isnt my first language) while im just a dumb mess that doesnt deserve all of these... i think ur getting bored or smth... i just dont know what to say or how to explain this.. this failure.. me... oh yea another thing :) haha my writing is messy too... anyways wish u patience dealing with me!!! XD

and also i feel like my mind is a monster... it is actually XD when i wanna improve myself, when i wanna get out of this mess... my mind dont let me... it wants to be depressed... suicidal... stressed all the time... telling me that i dont deserve to be happy when im also a burden to others... and a lot more... i dont even understand it myself

I recently moved nextdoor to my parents about 4 years ago and things have been great. My kids had their grandparents nextdoor and we had access to their pool and was able to make it to family events that happened at their house. Yesterday they dropped a bomb on me saying they decided that when my dad retires in a few short months they plan on moving to a whole other state that is 9 hours away and that I was the last to know out of all of my siblings. I'm shattered. I'm feeling like we moved for nothing and feeling like I don't matter. I know I should be happy for them but I'm not and I feel like a selfish brat.

I'm not really sure how to write/explain this, so this story will probably be very messy and not make a whole lot of sense.

I am currently 19 years old, and I feel like I have nothing and everything. I feel as if I could go out and get anything I ever wanted like money or assets or whatever, but the one thing I actually want is someone who actually cares about me.

Over the years, interactions with friends and family never felt like they were talking/hanging with me, rather they felt like they were doing it out of pity. I have always felt like people I care about don't really care about me, and these feelings are only reinforced by a lot of old friends and family suddenly leaving me.

I used to have a few childhood friends. I used to be a huge extrovert back then when I was a kid. Two of my childhood friends, April and Suzy, "cut" contact with me. They didn't really cut contact with me completely, I still have contact with Suzy, but we never talk. April is a huge introvert so I never talked to her when we got older. Whenever I talked to Suzy she always gave me dry responses and conversations only lasted a few minutes if that. I used to think she was just busy but she eventually just straight up told me she didn't want to talk to me. I still have no idea what I did or said to make her suddenly hate me. I don't even know if she really does hate me.

The same situation somewhat applies to my parents, that I feel like they don't really care about me. When I was a kid, my parents always argued over everything, sometimes they argued with my brother. I was never part of these arguments since I was so young at the time. All I remember is the only time my parents would interact would be more arguing or if it was dinner time. The only time I really did anything with my parents was during holidays like christmas. I never saw my mom during christmas or thanksgiving, since she went somewhere else for holidays. My dad would tell me she was cheating or that she didn't care enough about me to go to holidays with my dad. During Christmas I remember the tree being filled with presents. I never really wanted to open any of them. To me they felt like toys I would get bored of in ten minutes, reinforced by the fact that at the time my parents would say they were from santa. I would always rip open the presents and after they were all open I would go play with my new stuff and my parents would go back to doing what they did every other day. My dad would watch football and my mom would watch netflix. I have no idea what my brother would do since he was always out doing something.

To be honest, I hate my brother. He's trans and goes by she/her now, but I respect him so little as a person that I don't bother with his pronouns, especially considering how angry he gets when someone misgenders him and the fact that he just sucks as a person. I respect pronouns but specifically not his.

I think the hate for my brother started when I was about 8 or 9. He would always try and get me to do stuff and boss me around for no reason. He would also try and get me in trouble all the time, in hopes my dad would beat me. My dad is old fashioned so he would beat us if we fucked up. I think I really started to hate him when I was in my early teens. This was when my mom and brother had moved out, and my mom had custody of me. My brother took the role of the punisher for some reason so when ever I messed up he would be the one to punish me, usually by taking my xbox or phone away. But sometimes he would do it just because he could. My brother was a lot bigger than me, and he would take my stuff just because he wanted to, and would always make up some excuse about how it was "my fault" my stuff was getting taken. I remember breaking into his room to get my stuff back and running off to my dads house so he wouldnt be able to take my stuff.

I also kinda hate my dad. He's really old fashioned, and he was raised by farms people and grew up in the country rather than the city. I think my hate for him started when he had his stroke. He lost control of his left arm and left leg, and completely gave up on physical therapy. To this day he doesn't have control of his leg or arm and he might as well be an amputee or something. He uses his disability and the fact that he is my dad as an excuse to make me do stuff like cooking and his laundry. He basically treats me like a slave rather then a genuine person. All I ever do when I'm at his house is do my own thing till he eventually calls for me and makes me do some random chore for him. The only thing I remember him doing was buying gifts for me and being done with me. Even today that hasn't really changed. He still does nothing but watch TV and basically never talks to me. Even when we do talk it's always about him, and if we ever argue, and I make a valid point, he just completely shuts down and stops talking.

I'm not really sure if I hate my mom or not. I've been with her for most of my life since she was the one that had custody of me when my parents broke up. Me and my mom always had to move somewhere new. We probably moved into about 4 apartments and 2 houses in total. I never got to make any real friends because of it and eventually just gave up on trying to make friends. My mom was always watching TV just like my dad and I always was in my room doing whatever I felt like doing that day. I really don't have anything to say about my mom. She always kinda felt like a background character in a show rather then someone who was involved in the story.

I have always felt like that people don't really care about me. I wish I could bring it up to people but everyone would tell me off and I'd be better off talking to a brick wall. I have felt suicidal recently and have become more self destructive. I know I should seek therapy, but I'm not going back to the psych ward again, not now.

I'd write more but I have stuff to do, and If I went into every detail about how everything sucked I'd be here all day. I would be writing a book at that point.

Hello everyone, I don't vent usually but I need to share my feelings. I have been in a relationship for 8 years. Lets call him A, we have been on and off, because we fell out for a few years but this is a new story. He reached out to me to reconnect and start dating after a long period of no contact. We were going strong happy we would work it out if we had conflicts. I believed that love can be worked out and he did too we both agreed on most things but we did have a conversation about having kids. I didn't mind if they're adopted, ivf surrogate or even biological. I am a trans man so at first I had to think about it but I wanted kids with him I wanted our future together. He knows I'm trans but I wanted to let him know what if I couldn't have them? I don't think I couldn't but I just wanted to see his reaction well he just went to you don't want kids then. That wasn't true but we seemed to figure it out ever since then I felt like he didn't feel the same way before but he assured me everything is fine I'm just over thinking. Fast forward to now, were long distance we live 8000 plus miles apart we both are focused on visiting each other, he was going to see me but he said something happened where his work won't let him get PTO. I've met him multiple times younger so I made the choice to visit him in his country although its not the most supportive of trans people anyways I tell him hey I'm going to come then he buys a house. A house there lol to visit me. In return that made him tell me to wait I got really upset because it felt like he made plans to stay there for now even though I've been trying to work for a future with him. He hits me with, do you really want kids? I said yeah I do and then he says even to breast feed? I'm like wait no what I'm trying to get top surgery. Its my body and I feel like bottle feeding is better. Anyway that was so shocking to him he almost crashed his car. This made him feel like he lost the fire and it was so important that he said its not going to work. I told him I'm okay I'll compromise but he said he will never see a future with me and he's afraid of me being in the future “my kid my choice” to him a kid is a final thing and he's scared of what I might do. I feel offended but sad I wanted to reconcile he said he loves me so much, but I changed the whole core of our relationship. He says I pushed him to making it forever cause I said well if you see no future that means we can't be in each others life and he said that's fine but he loves me anyway. He wishes that I'd be forever there but no future :(.

I’m new to this and I just need to vent out some of my frustrations. Advice or guidance would be appreciated. There are not a prominent number of people present in my life that are familiar with this issue. If someone who has experienced this or knows someone who has experienced this wants to share some advice/feedback/ect, I would be indebted and grateful. Idk if this will be approved, hopefully it will.

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I have noticed that my loathing comes in waves. I will have a moment of time where I feel fine and somewhat okay with myself. Revisiting the evidence that a homosexual relationship is fine, the Bible only condemns homosexual sex. However, I will fall back into that trap of loathing over the existence of my homosexuality, wondering “What if I’m wrong? What if even the mere concept of being in a relationship with a woman is bad, even if it is not sexual?” Then boom, I’m pulled back into a depressive episode that affects everything from my school, to even my personal relationships.

Even though I’m trying my darnedest to hide my struggling, part of me wants others to notice, so I can be given comfort or support. Is that attention seeking? I’m not sure, but that is the only way I feel comfortable enough ”asking” for help. I’m not great with words or emotions, so maybe if people can put the dots together and come to a conclusion, then my actions and what they see will do the work for me. So that I don’t have to walk up to them and initiate the uncomfortable conversation, they will do it themselves. The closest I came to genuinely approaching someone for help was the social worker, and she didn’t listen to me and dismiss my problems, claiming it was something else entirely.

I don’t think she can relate or empathize with what I’m going through. Sexuality in tandem with religious guilt is a bit more nuanced than simply feeling lonely or having a bad break up and feeling sad about it. I have tried talking to some of the other people who visited her. One of my friends visited her for her issue. She told me a very similar story, that the social worker listened to her for around five minutes and then proceeded to misinterpret the situation and spin it into something else entirely. Recommending something that for not help address the issue, usually it consists of “You are just lonely and need friends, get friends, ignore the issue, and focus on school. It is not that big of a deal because it a phase that we all go through,” (Well, a hyperbolic summarization, but that is what I and many others took away from her meetings.)

I have yet to meet anyone who has actually benefited from their visits with her. I think I’m better off confiding in one of my teachers, I know them, they know me, there is more comfort and trust. The problem with confiding with someone is no one is really familiar or understanding of my situation. From my own experience and observations, there is not a lot of people who know or are familiar enough with such a nuanced and risky situation. If I confide in my friends there will be two parties, the side that says “Hell yeah, kiss women! Screw your religion,” and the “Idk, just stop being gay and marry a godly man, lol.” Both are not helpful in the slightest, I can’t just abandon God, or stop being gay, (I have already tried.)

I empathize with the fact that she most likely does not understand what I’m experiencing. I’m not superb at communicating my emotions or being vulnerable. I’m too walled-off and emotional inept to be equipped with the necessary capabilities to effectively express my grief. I feel as if I can’t trust anyone with this information. It required a monumental amount of effort to push myself to even apply for the appointment, let alone attending it. I’m dreading the next appointment...

She recommended that I acquire more female friends because I’m devoid of “girl-hood”, it irritates me that she deluded my feelings to something so trivial and simple. I have experienced this attraction ever since I was in elementary school. I have always been drawn to femininity and the female figure.

I have had the desire of wanting and desiring another woman carnally. Femininity is enthralling as well, I just can’t help but appreciate and bask in another woman elegance, beauty, and grace. I felt and experienced such deep-seated feelings for women that I never had for a guy. The feelings and appreciation for women span such a nuance that only I would know. It would be futile to attempt to put them down on paper (or in this case text.)

She telling me that not attracted to girls, that it is a phase that I can get over, and that I just want to be like them. I regret not correcting her on my perspective, however, I’m too effete to speak up any how. I crave the intimacy, connection, and something more carnal that one can only receive through a deeper more intimate relationship. What I desire cannot be found only in “girl-hood” or within the confines of a platonic relationship. As such, attempting to find solace in it with a woman in a platonic realm is futile, and only leaves an impression of emptiness more than anything.

However, I understand her position, she is not a woman whom is burdened by homosexuality such as I am. No matter what she does or attempts to do, she can simply not understand my feelings or experience, that is acceptable, I do not fault her on that. She is doing the best that she can from her limited familiarity on the subject, and I appreciate her effort.

Returning to the note on my sexuality, I’m frustrated. I feel deeply disgusted by the affections and desire that I have for other women. I’m sickened by the carnal nature of my lust for women. I feel grossed out when I have the desire to hold hands with another woman, cuddle with another woman, perhaps go on a romantic evening stroll with another woman. I’m angered at the desire to pursue a romantic and deeply intimate and deeply-seated relationship with another woman. Why am I like this? Why.

I feel nothing but guilt and shame upon myself whenever I think of ever experiencing something beyond platonic means with another girl. It is an intangible idea for me to yearn for. Whenever I experience these ideas I feel I have spat in the face of God and my faith. I’m perverse and degenerative for experiencing these feelings for other women. Why can’t I have been born normal, why could I have not been born fancying men instead for women, why am I like this?

I despise myself so heavily for what I feel. I’m so alone and trapped, there is no one I can run to without objection or disassociation. At times I wished that god made me a boy, that I was not born a girl. That is not to say that I desire to transition or anything akin to that. It is simply that I yearn to have been birthed as a biological male, so that I could love women without sin.

I’m so envious of heterosexual women and men in general that it sickens me to my core. Why was I cursed with homosexuality, what did do to deserve such a lonely and miserable state? I pray that men and heterosexual women never take their freedom for granted. They are fortunate people to not be burdened by guilt that people like me have to endure.

I beg that this is a phase, that I will move past this and become heterosexual. I hate my sexuality, I hate my vice, I hate it so much.

Why was a born to only be condemned or casted to be lonely, it is not fair. Why did you curse me with this God, why? I don’t understand, it hurts me so deeply, what did I do?

I just feel alone, hurt, and guilty. I’m mad that I can’t get over this. I think that it is gone, that I have moved beyond that point of grief. Then, it hits me again, and begin having doubts. I feel disgusted with my feelings and myself. I’m angry that no matter how much a pray or suppressed my homosexual urges and desires, they come back. I wish I didn’t feel this way.

My friend seems to be less interested in spending time with me

As the title stated. I'm 27, male, living with my narcissist mother. I'm severely mentally ill. I also may have a disability but I can't afford assessment. I can't leave because I have no money. Been consistently applying for jobs. No one wants to hire me. I'm tired, angry, frustrated, and hopeless. I can't commit suicide, because I have a cat.

My cat is the reason I'm even here this long. I love her to death. Her name is Melissa.

My mom is trying to kill her. I see her using toxic sprays that can harm her. She over feeds her. I educate her on why. She pretends to understand but will do it behind my back. When I confront her, she acts stupid like she doesn't know what I'm talking about. Consistently lies to my face.

This been 7 years... And it's getting changing me for the worse. I want to hit her but I can't do that to my mother.

I want to runaway, but I can't leave my cat alone with her.

My cat is my savior. All I ever want is just to have some form of financial freedom so I can leave my mom, block her out of my life, and have my kitty be in a safe space with me.

But I guess that's too much to ask for.

I'm scared to rehome her. I also don't want to rehome her....my cat is VERY aggressive around strangers. The thought od betraying her and rehoming her will make her not trust anyone. She's very defensive and territorial (she's spayed).

I don't know what to do.

I fear if I leave her to shelters, they will just euthanize her... And my god, the thought if that will kill me.

I have had an idea...but even in this ve t space, I'm not comfortable opening up. But if I turn 30 and I don't see any improvements. I have an idea to bring me and my cat peace that we deserve at last.

i don't have a real friend at school, they left me out, i dont know why!!!!! prob bc they think im weird.. but im not that weird!!! i have trouble communicating to new people, when i tried to talk to them, my voice gets smaller, my legs are shaking and im sweating! why is it so hard for me to communicate to other people? why cant i be like another people? why cant i be normal? i dont like people, i dont like it when they judge me for my interest, why cant everyone just accept me for who i am?????????????? i'm dumb, im scared of other people, i don't like adults, and i want everyone to give me all their attention but i also hate them.

i’m not sure if there’s an age limit on here so i’ll just say it from the get go: i’m a freshman in an american high school. that’s significant. i know this might sound childish to you guys.

since the start of middle school, i’ve played in band as a clarinetist. me and my friend who ill call E bonded quickly since i had prior knowledge of the instrument and he learned very quickly. there were 17 clarinetists at first, the. the next year there were 10, then 6, and now just the two of us are left. it doesn’t matter, since we’re in a larger band. there are like 9 clarinetists and we are all good friends.

i’m a gay guy, i figured that out mid seventh grade. i liked this one boy, we’ll call A, throughout 8th. i was low key obsessed. i had started to grow out my hair, and i didn’t put much effort into fashion, so looking back on it, it shouldn’t have been a surprise when i was rejected by A. over the summer and throughout the fall i’ve felt the agony, i mean i’d been rejected before but never so directly. I got a haircut and had a glow up imo after that.

a few months ago i could kind of feel that thing, like a nagging feeling telling me there’s someone i like. i don’t know how to explain it, but it always seems to happen a few months after you’ve started to lose feelings for someone. all of a sudden i feel some attachment and attraction to several people. it always happens, no big deal. eventually my brain latches onto one of them and the others fade. and that’s usually okay.

but this time, i can kind of feel my brain starting to latch onto E. i can’t stop thinking about him. he’s probably my best male friend, and he knows i’m gay, but we don’t talk about it a lot. he’s never outright told me he’s straight but he has told me about his various crushes on girls. he’s never acted on them, but maybe noticing that is part of my brain hoping for the best. the other clarinetists and us are a very tight knit group, and we talk and laugh a lot during class. i think one of them, a sophomore girl ill call C, has noticed something. E used to always wear his hoodie with the hood on. slowly, he started pulling the hood down. now he comes in with a puffer jacket (we’re in the pnw) and says “i only wear it so i can take it off.”

i’ll be honest. E is a much better clarinet player than me, and so is C. but E doubles on trumpet. he’s just so good. i’m sort of jealous. also he’s skinny, (i’ve imagined him before), and has recently had a glow-up. i’m just scared he’ll start getting an influx of girls and i’ll be left alone. C almost definitely notices my prolonged stares, like randomly during class i’ll just find myself looking at E, and maybe even making eye contact.

OKAY so here’s the point. i don’t want to tell anyone for these reasons:

-he’s straight(?)

-if i did it would make my feelings real

-were freshman, we’ll have to be awkward for the rest of high school. i adore our easy conversations

-i’m afraid he’ll think i’m weird

-not to mention i don’t even fully know if i like him, there are several other candidates

i’m on here so i can get this out with anonymity.

i've always been raised with pretty conservative views, I'd say I'm Republican and stuff, and I live in the South. Except the problem is, I'm also gay. Now I would have no problem with me being gay, except that it really conflicts with my political views.. and honestly I still don't mind that, but other people sure do. I always get attacked for liking Trump and stuff, online or in person, anywhere. Worst part is that it's by other queer people. Straight people accept me, but then the lgbt people, the people that are supposed to support me are the ones who hate me?? I don't even try to be loud about my views, I mention a little thing when it comes up, but I hate politic talk. So i don't know why they do it. It really hurts. Makes me feel like I'm not a real gay person sometimes. I don't even like to associate with the community anymore because of it. I can't find a single queer person who can look past politics. I just wanna connect with other gay people, but I can't really. It really sucks. I don't really wanna be gay anymore, i dunno. I feel like I don't really belong with the community. I used to have a few friends who were lgbt, but then I got to know them better, they found out I'm a republican, and they just argued with me to tell me how wrong and hypocritical I am. I see where they came from but it hurts still.

WARNING: It can be triggering for people with ED, I am not sure tho, sorry this is my first time venting to someone.

I am a 17yo and ever since I remember I hated myself and wanted to lose weight, I was one of the largest girls in class and all my friends were skinny and beautiful. Nobody has ever loved me, called me beautiful etc.. I have been trying to lose weigh since I was 10 I thinks, but I can't, idk why. I hate myself so much, I hate the feeling of my body, I want to cry when I feel my stomach while lying on the bed. I want to feel beautiful but I can't until I lose weight, but I can't lose weight and it's makes me so depressed everyday.