Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 35

My sister has been dating this guy named Bryan for pretty much 3 months now, and like— her life is already so tragic in some ways I can’t explain due to being too personal;; Jane was third wheeling for an amount of time and today I saw them on the basketball court— and you know the stuff they did

I’m afraid that if I tell my sister then she might lock herself up in her room for another week… shall I tell her tho? Bryan has been toxic to her the past few days and I think she knows— does she?

i don’t even kno how i got like this, but every day i wake up and the first thing i feel is just… hate. like, for myself. i look in the mirror and i can’t stand what i see. i’m not pretty, i’m not smart, i’m not anything. i try so hard at school and still i keep failing or messin up the easiest stuff. it’s embarrasin. teachers look at me like i’m stupid or lazy but i swear i try, like i really do. i study, i stay up late, i skip things i like just to focus but none of it works. and then i come home and it’s not better. my mom’s always mad at me, always yelling, sayin i don’t do enough, that i should be more like my cousin or my sister or whoever. like sorry i’m not good at anything okay?? my dad doesn’t say much but i can tell he’s disappointed too. he used to try to help with homework but now he just shakes his head and leaves the room. sometimes i wish i could just disappear for a while, like vanish and see if anyone even notices. i feel like a ghost in my own house. nobody listens to me. when i try to talk about how i feel it’s always “you’re being dramatic” or “you just want attention”. but i don’t. i just want someone to see me and say “you’re okay” and actually mean it.

i’ve lost friends too. like, i still talk to some ppl at school but i can tell they don’t really care. i get left out of stuff and when i ask to hang they got excuses. nd maybe it’s cuz i’m so negative or boring or whatever. maybe i talk too much about sad things. i try not to, but it leaks out, like i can’t help it. i laugh less than i used to. i cry more, mostly in my room, sometimes at night under the covers so no one hears. i write in my notes app stuff i could never say out loud. and yeah sometimes i think stuff i shouldn’t. like what if i just wasn’t here? would it be easier for everyone? i kno that’s a scary thought but it’s real. i don’t want to die, i just don’t wanna feel like this anymore. like i’m broken or wrong all the time. i see girls my age who are confident and smiley and got everything going and i feel like i’m just stuck. like i missed some class where everyone learned how to be normal and i wasn’t invited. nd yeah, ppl say “love urself” but how do you love someone who keeps messing up everything? who makes ppl angry just by being there? i hate myself so much and the worst part is i don’t even kno how to stop. i don’t kno how to be okay again, or if i ever was.

I never wanted to go to the class trip, and frankly no one ever forced me, but my mom just signed me up and said she will NOT find out about how she can cancel it. My mom has a tendency of being very emotional and hysterical at times, and she really made a mess about that whole thing. And if you know the stress of contacting a teacher, let alone one that is anxious about not having enough people on the trip... Yeah, I folded.

I didn't expect such betrayal from mom, but I went on the trip nonetheless, I had no choice. And, it was pretty much what I expected.

I can't say I'm actively bullied in this school in particular, but the way I've been acting throughout middle school has sealed my reputation as a really easy-to-hurt clumsy softie that constantly needs to be taken care of. Though that narrative really died down recently, and it would've stayed decaying had it not been for this trip and a reunion with an ex-classmate that left a year ago and therefore still had that perception of me. My one friend and the one I'm just okay with constantly hang with that one guy and I really feel left out.

This niche little thing matters to me so much I can't not cry. Every day also feels excruciatingly long, the trip lasts a week, and it's only my second day! I can't leave early, cause I'm in a different fucking city, so I'm just kinda trapped bubbling up my emotions here texting it all away in this one forum!

I also have to mention this is all during a WEEK-LONG SCHOOL BREAK. Like, I'm not even skipping school by attending this, just ruining a bunch of free time I've REALLY been needing! I have a song to write, videos to make, and a lot more I've felt like doing for a LONG while without having the opportunity to do so. This could've been my chance, but alas, I suppose my life's been a bit too great, and it had to have been ruined somehow.

Thanks for reading, it matters a lot, truly

Ok so the signs started the day we went on spring break (I'm in sixth grade btw ) and he (JB) didn't hug me like usual, like the whole day not at all. I wasn't too concerned but when I got home did my chores like usual bcuz my parents r so fcking strict and I have 5 out of 8 siblings living in our house w/ two parents fighting and yelling at each other and the kids including me. ages: J-4yo, C-8yo, Me/L-11yo, E-13yo, B-13yo, R-18yo. C is soo spoiled she is tearing our family apart shes literally hits my mom like shes 8 wtf she is super picky and barely eats she doesn't get hit like us and she does wtv she want my parents don't even care what she does she gets the best bday parties and the most love. So yea its very chaotic. I js hate my family they don't love me and I wanna run away but I cant there is no time to do it and there r so many locks on the door including an alarm. I finished my chores and texted him on my tablet bcuz I cant have a phone until 8th grade I hate that rule soo much. my parents keep my tablet in their room I can only have it once I finish my chores. So I get my tablet and text him but he don't text back AT ALL so I'm like so scared he's going to break up w/ me so I txt my bestie she says its ok and he wont break up w/ me she js wont belive me. anyway I'm like having a panic attack the whole spring break and when we go back to school he breaks up w/ me before 2nd period well his friend told me from across the fcking room bcuz JB was too much of a fcking pssy to do it himself and he was the best bf we had been dating for 4 month but it felt like forever and he gave me the best gifts butmy dumbvss friends didn't even here him? like wtf. anyway I started crying rlly hard but silently and my friend asked what was wrong but they alr knew before I answered bcuz I told them I KNEW I JS KNEW HE WOULD BREAK UP W/ ME all the girls in the class crowded around me and one girl(A) said "I'm better than JB I will be ur new bf" she is so funny after 2nd period I walked out and told my other friend abt that fiasco, in 3rd period the guy who told me we broke up asked me if I was ok and I wasn't but I nodded, I have 4 ppl who like me but idk who should be next. also srry abt all the grammar errors. lolll bye oh also this is all what caused me to cvt my self 3 times in a week.

I was in 8th grade and in Confirmation class when I met Mike. Ridiculously handsome and quiet like me. We would smile and that was probably it. We met again in college, he actually asked me out but I was true to my high school boyfriend and said no, although I cried later when I got home. I followed his police career, thought of him as the one that got away. When I got Facebook years later, he was the first person I looked for. He was exactly the same. We chatted and caught up. We met for an innocent lunch months later. Eventually we would meet up and had an affair which never amounted to anything. It wasn’t smooth sailing. We fought, mostly me, wishing things had been different. We always came back as friends online and through text. This went on maybe 15 years. We had a decent mutual respect and friendship although not close. He had been married divorced 3 times and multiple women- hisb2nd and 3rd wife broke up his first marriage and was half his age. He was a police officer and a lot of women chased him and he enjoyed that. It was not something I liked about him. Anyway, one time my teen daughter got a weird message trying to get her phone number from a stranger who said she was a teen. My daughter told me it didn’t sound like a teen. I had a weird suspicion it was him trying to spy on her phone. He had used his law enforcement Connections to know things about me and my online habits. I just had a weird feeling. I ended up sending him a message telling him how weird this was. He said, “That’s not good”. I found that odd. Like he was actually saying that wasn’t good I found him out. Well, we ended up talking after and I felt maybe I’d been ridiculous and maybe he was actually okay. Afterwards, I started thinking about things and it really did seem kind of creepy to me. One time years ago an anonymous person was stating things online about my 16 year old daughter. I feared it was him. So when I felt this about my youngest daughter who looked like me, I also remember him telling me in a call that he wished he could have “been with teenaged me just one time”. This was around the time my daughter got that weird message trying to give out her number. I feared the worst, decided it wasn’t worth having a friendship that was possibly creepy and sent messages to him saying “leave me and my daughters alone!” I felt if he was innocent he’d say something. He said nothing. I was so creeped out. 9 months later - which is currently, I wondered about him for some weird reason. I look him up to see what he’s up to. He DIED 9 months ago unexpectedly. I had talked to him right before. He had gained alot of weight. I only read it was sudden and unexpected the weekend he intended to see his son to basic training. I didn’t know how to feel. Sad, mostly, even though our relationship wasn’t to be and should not have been. He was a big part of my growing up and just general friendship even though it wasn’t always good. I always hoped I had been wrong and he didn’t actually saying anything about my daughters or text one. Anyway, he’s gone. I feel this unexpected grief and loss. It’s been very painful and can’t tell anyone. If he was guilty of anything I shouldn’t feel anything, but I never knew. There’s no burial plot that I see, so no place to visit and say goodbye. I’m venting here. Yes, I know my affair was wrong. My husband and I worked through that. He doesn’t know if his death or that it upset me. That is why I’m venting here. I still hope he wasn’t responsible for the weird messages to my daughter. I don’t know how to feel. Thank you for reading if you got this far.

I am here yet again, if it's possible to click my username and see what all I've said, I still have no idea if that is something that can be done or not- my previous posts go over my situation in more depth. The short of it is: I am intersex, trans, mixed race, chronically ill and disabled and a trauma survivor. America is a hellscape, I need to get out of it, have for years and now here we are. I was attacked twice since Trump's election just trying to buy groceries, my doctor tried to take away medication I need to survive, as my intersex condition has severe health consequences that I NEED HRT for. It's not just about presentation for me (though it also helps dysphoria), it's that if I do not have it I will bleed out and my testosterone levels will go up so high it could cause heart damage or worse... I just say these things to be understood. My situation.

My mother and grandparents raised me with strict religious rules and the like, to the point where an exorcism was allowed to be attempted on me when I was thirteen or so because my obvious symptoms of a trauma disorder (among other signs of being a SA survivor) plus being intersex was a no-no. They wanted it corrected. I still deal with severe scrupulosity, guilt and just... Hurt, so much hurt and fear because of it all, it's too much to get into but that I think paints a clear enough picture even without knowing just all it included.

To the point. Current events are pricking at the 'be rapture ready' teachings I got shoved down my throat, I don't even know what I believe anymore, it's hard to feel belief or love for a god that you were abused in the name of. Who, if he's out there, has heard me scream and cry and beg and did nothing. If he's not, well... Is that better or worse? I don't know. I've been saying I'm agnostic but even saying it makes me feel like I need to kneel and beg for forgiveness for denying god so I just try to avoid it as a whole. Even so, though, there are still times where I give in to compulsions and wind up praying for hours for forgiveness and to be saved. Hurting my body in the process, as I have joint issues, that's my primary disability physically at least. The one time I tried to reach out for help for this, to my mother, her only response was. "It's never a bad thing to pray."

Every time I see someone say that it's the end of the world, in a religious sense or not, I just start sobbing and have to fight the urge to just pray and pray and beg until my throat hurts and my joints are on fire. Every time I see people in other countries say we are all responsible and can't be trusted due to Trump and MAGA, which don't get me wrong I understand because look at everything but I wish people would remember that there are people about to be slaughtered that tried to warn everyone about this that they're lumping in with their oppressors, I just want to do the same. Beg and plead with god to make this all stop. I have before, I did the other day, and asked for a sign that he hadn't thrown me away. Guess what happened next?

I found a bag of rotting meat that someone hadn't put in the fridge or freezer after we went to the store. I just broke down sobbing.

There are coincidences, I believe that it was one, the logical part of me. The part of me still grappling with the abuse, grooming and indoctrination I was put though keeps telling me. "He was telling you you're going to rot. You're disgusting, evil, you deserve the painful death awaiting you before you are sent to burn in hell." And, if you are reading this and highly religious, don't even bother commenting. I don't want to hear your proselytizing and hatred. I've heard any and everything you could possibly tell me, I assure you, it will do nothing. You won't get any good points with the man upstairs for converting a "lost soul." I'm not even an atheist, like I said, I just don't know what the hell I am and even if I am a believer the word 'Christian' now burns me given what has been done to me and the current state of the world. The rise of Christo-Fascism.

I have no one to talk to, so, I am going to now write something here I wrote the other day in a debate/conversation in an online circle that I saved to show my therapist so she could see how badly I've been doing. I just need someone to hear me, I guess? That's how and why I'm here. I googled 'anonymous venting sites' and found this here. I am sorry I keep spamming here. Now, the comment (and yes I showed my therapist):

"I hope and pray to whoever is listening that I manage to get someone to help me out of America before we're all caged in, I won't make it, I check damn near every box for people Trump and his not-sees want dead. I would say that I hope countries start allowing refugees from here, especially the most vulnerable like disabled folk and the lgbtqia2p community, but MAGAs fleeing what they voted for (and the ones who tantrumed over Kamala not being perfect enough for him so didn't vote at all which basically voted him in anyhow) are too big a risk to let in on accident. So, I know most likely no one will let us flee to safety, it's terrifying and heartbreaking. I can't say I blame them, though. Look at how everything is going, the things he is saying. Doing. So, as sad and scared and mad as I am, I give all support to them. I just wish that those who have been trying to warn everyone from the start, those on the chopping block first, were not forgotten and punished. I wish we could get thrown a life preserver. Here's to history never repeating again, to other countries standing strong, putting Trump in his place."

I really do feel like I'm just trying to crawl out of a Russian Nesting Doll, or a maze of cages, I was able to escape the first one my so called father trapped me in. Now, I'm in another, my mother may have saved me from him but has still kept me trapped. It's still no way to live, there is still harm, I'm just not in direct danger constantly like with him. I am afraid that the moment I finally get out on my own (I am a disabled adult dependent after being stuck with my father is the short version trying to find my way to being able to function independently safely) I will find that I'm just in yet another prison the size of a country. Or, a state, if it ends up with state to state travel even being banned...

I still keep praying even though it feels like no one is listening, I have to, I have no other choice. My brain won't let me completely give up on the possibility god is up there listening, won't let me deny completely, even if I feel pure terror first and foremost. And, well, I don't have any people in my life to go to do I? So, all I can do is cry and cower, complain in spaces like these or beg a sky that may or may not be empty (or at least hold something that despises me despite creating me) for help.

I can't self diagnose or anything but I'm 98% sure I'm autistic, the stories my family tells me about when I was younger add up to the autism symptoms I feel now. I've taken the Raads-R test or whatever it's called, I've actually take a bunch, all which lead to the general consensus that I do in fact most definitely have autism. I don't know how to tell my parents. they're asian and they told me a couple years ago that autistic people are weird and not normal or whatever and they probably dont believe anything i try to tell them. they dont believe im aromantic and that me being a tomboy is just a phase. life is becominig harder and harder and i dont know. i just cant do naything. the amount of stress increases every day and whenever i cry or say something about it theyre like oh its cause of that phone your addicted to. I barely have screentime because im so busy, i dance and im at school all day to the point where i only come home to sleep. they are. also pushing me to go to college, which I cant be bothered anymore. I dont. want to go to school anymore and I want to dance. I want to go to europe and dance or something like that. I don't know i dont thik my parents will support me. They'll probably be like u cant make a living, u have to go to college. you porblably got this idea from your phone didn't u. like idk anymore, what do i have to do to convince my parents

ive spent so much time noticing and understanding people that im just lost in how to express myself. it didn't really help getting bullied for being quiet and now im incapable of forming friendships:( there is only one person i love being with but she is a distant person and it makes me even more unsure of myself. I hate having to forever suffer with my confidence and social skills because of the ignorance of other people that treated me so horribly. So many times have i imagined scenarios where i wouldn't tolerate what they would say but im not strong enough to do it alone.. . I really wished people were nicer is it that hard ?

A dude I once had a “it’s complicated” thing with love bombed and leave. But I couldn’t leave cause I was too attached. I did end up leaving but it left me traumatized and always wanting him back. I don’t want him back anymore but the trauma is still there.

Don't let this darkness fool you. All lights turned off can be turned on. I'll drive, I'll drive all night. I'll call your mom. Oh, dear, don't be discouraged. I've been exactly where you are. I'll drive, I'll drive all night. I'll call your mom.

(song: Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan, go listen to it, it's very comforting <3)

I know that there are people suffering more out there, I’m a great listener! But sometimes I need someone to listen to me as well.

I hope I’m just going through a teenage nightmare

I think my parents hate me, especially my mom. She just slammed the door at me

I mean I do love my parents, but why do they dislike me? Well here is the answer: My dad is living in Korea, and my mom is in Hong Kong with me. She wants to go back to Korea but she’s afraid that I’ll be too dumb to catch up on Korea’s harsh teaching environment. I think she wants me dead, I’m just being emotional am I? Well I hope I am, my parents wanted me, that’s why they got me, but now that they have me, I’m starting to feel like I’m ruining things. I wanted to make things easier and better for everyone, why how come things turn out like this? I made it worse for others, and twice as tragic for myself, sometimes I care about others a bit too much. My friends at school uses me, my teachers hate me for being too smart, or sometimes asking questions without evidence when other kids litterally threw a bottle across the classroom which could have hit someone hard. My parents hates me, my teachers hates me, why classmates are fake friends, who do I rely on now? The internet is my only hope I suppose

So apparently I don’t really care if this site it safe or not, I listen to way too many people vent in real life, and I couldn’t get a person to rely on myself, and it’s eating me inside. Whenever I feel stressed, I solve math problems, it increases the level of stress but at least it’s all covered up. It makes me forget about my past mistakes

And now here I am, venting here instead because I tried venting to people in my family but ended up in a disaster. My mom always mention that I’m the problem from letting her into peace, if I wasn’t born then she would have flown to Korea. I mean it’s true, it is. I’m blocking her. I just feel bad for others, and I don’t have time to think about myself, but when I mention this problem to others, why do they all just say that I’m too selfish when I’m too selfless? People at school uses me. For money, for food, or because they don’t have friends to sit with on the school bus. I do have a lot of friends, thanks to my personality, but when will be the day that I stop venting online and vent on my classmates on auto pilot mode? I bet they’ll all leave me.

I'm getting really annoyed with my friend B. he seems so distant now and everything I used to do that he found funny or smt he seems to find weird now, like he gives me a look when I do it. and he judges me for everything I do. Literally I've been changing myself so that I can be a better friend to him but he just doesn't appreciate at all what I do for him. it might sound like I'm being selfish but seeing as i've nearly lost sight of who I really am trying to be someone else for him I don't care how selfish I sound. and when he gets triggered he expects me to be like "OH IM SO SORRY R U OK DO YOU NEED A HUG" which I am like that when he gets triggered but he doesn't seem to care about my triggers or boundaries at all. literally ive had to start ignoring my own boundaries bc he ignores them all the fucking time. and I'm fucking done with it. I might be overreacting but idc. hes changed and now I'm not sure if were even friends anymore. when I'm triggered or upset he fucking jokes about it to "cheer me up" but I have music to do that. when I'm triggered, in the moment what I need is support and I never get that from him even if he's the only friend nearby when I get triggered for whatever reason, like he expects me to just fucking deal with it on my own. and yet he expects me to be there for HIM when HES upset or triggered! and then when I do to him what he does to me he's like "you are a horrible person" LOOK AT YOURSELF ASSHOLE! YOU DO THE SAME SHIT TO ME, YET YOU EXPECT TO GET BETTER TREATMENT FROM ME? THINK AGAIN BITCHFACE! and he also expects me to be interested in every single one of HIS interests and looks at ME like mine are WEIRD. He called me fucking PARASOCIAL for liking Kpop idols, like what? YOU SIMP OVER A FUCKING NUMBER FROM AN OBJECT SHOW! its like he thinks he's more important than me or something, and I'm done with it. I hate his fucking guts. I'm so done with his twisted idea of friendship . I've dealt with his shit long enough.

I fixed myself for you, just like you wanted me to! You wanted that, right? Of course you did. You saw I was broken and so I fixed it.

What did I fix? Well, I'm so glad you asked!

I'm not a Kpop fan anymore!

Why? You know why. You said it yourself: you saw my crushes on Kpop guys as parasocial. The connotation you gave the word was negative, so obviously you saw that part of me as broken. So I fixed it!

Here I am. New and improved!

Is there anything else you'd like me to fix?

...

oh.

You want me to fix that?

Don't worry, if it'll make you happy, I'll do it!

You'll recieve your new and improved Me in a day or two!

For now, enjoy the only slightly broken me!

Because this is what you want, right?

Of course it is.

And don't try to tell me otherwise. We both know I'll never be enough for you if I stay just the way I am. We both know I'll never be able to be a good friend to you if I'm just myself.

So let me change for you.

I might lose a bit of myself in the process, but if it makes you happy I don't care.

I hate my friend. It's like she never considers my feelings. She has never asked me how I am. Everyday it's like walking on a minefield around her, I don't know what will piss her off next. I hate how she makes me feel. Like I'm no one. I can't be my true self around her. I wanna end our friendship but that would mean I'd be alone for the rest of highschool. I cant make any other friends since I'm kind of a bullying target.