Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 44

I've been in a relationship for several years now.

At the start, everything felt loving, and the honeymoon phase was wonderful. My partner was always very vocal about how much they cared for me, and each day I woke up feeling hopeful and excited about what we would do next. Trips to the park, to the movies. Anywhere was a delight, as long as they were with me.

Still, we both had our flaws. Mine, I felt, were detrimental to the relationship.

I decided to seek therapy to work on myself.

Recently, both of us have been going through difficult patches in our lives. Although I tried not to burden them, I eventually allowed myself to lean on them for support. They lashed out in response. I didn’t know what was going on in their life because they hadn’t shared it with me. Once they told me they were hurting, I realized their harsh words came from a place of pain. While it wasn’t okay for them to take it out on me, I understood that something in their life must be very wrong for them to react that way.

I wanted to sit down with them and have an open conversation about it, but it’s been difficult. Every day, my partner curses at me, makes me feel like I need to progress faster in therapy, and shuts down the conversation before I get a chance to speak. They still refuse to admit they've done anything hurtful, let alone wrong. I want to be here for them, but I don't know if I can keep being their emotional punching bag. I’ve been waking up in tears every day, and now I’m genuinely scared to be around them.

I keep hoping that today will be the day they hear the sharpness in their words while they speak, take a step back, and apologize for how they've been treating me. But it hasn't happened yet.

OKKK so like I would appreciate if I got into a good post-secondary school(I’m not looking like ivys, Harvard, Stanley etc) so like what are some stuff I can do now? Like the reason I’m even thinking of these is because like my parents say I have to do sports so I can get a scholarship to yk , and like I HATE SPORTS any sort of. But I lwk care about my future so what are some stuff I can do that can get me into a good PSS like I get I may not get a scholarship if I don’t do sports but atleast something that would look good on my application. Ok so personally I’m into any creative stuff (drawing etc) but i will be open to anything EXCEPT sports.

(I'm not fluent in english so plz excuse my grammar.)

So..I have this friend who's so sociable—anxiety fears her. Let's just call her "A". We are in the same circle since grade 10. Our other friends are "C" and "D"

We both transferred to a private school when we got into senior high school. We did not get the same section. I got a new friend here in my current section and so does she. I only have 1 friend here due to my shyness or what so ever. We were so close and it feels like we're sisters. Let's call her "B"

Second quarter started, I let A meet B. They are not that close because B is more shy than me, but she's good at communicating. "A" changed when she got new friends in her section too. She lies whenever we ask her to go with us just so she can hang out with her new friends. She tells us that her mom did not give her permission to go out with us. Then we see her story with her other friend eating together.

So here's when I started noticing something to my other friends. Sometimes "B" and "C" refuse it when I ask them to go with me because I have to buy something or I want to spend some time with them. But sometimes, when I ask them if they could go with me, they always ask me if "A" would come too. They would say "Yes" when I tell them that "A" would come too. I'm so jealous. They won't spend time with me if "A" doesn't want to go.

This is a recent one. So, there's this one university I really wanted to go to. I told my friends that I wanted to go there before, I think in February. They said they wanted to go too. And now that we are allowed to go apply into that one university, they say that they don't want it now. I expected them to go with me. And then there's "C" I asked her if she would come, but all she said was "Is 'A' going too?" I asked her, "What if she will go too?" and she didn't respond.

I'm so jealous of that one friend, but I love her, I can't hate her.

I opened up to A. I told her that "B" is not who she is today—she's cold with me today, kept ignoring me, and was so quiet school. I even sent A my conversation with B. and all A said was "Ahh..so you're going out with her tomorrow?" in a jealous tone. I did not answer her because I know she knows that B and I would go film our project tomorrow. I focused on "B" not being her self today. I told her "I don't know what's happening to B." After that, "A" just sent a big big like (👍) and starting to ignore my messages.

They know I'm that "One" friend who always laughs and makes jokes. So when A get very sweet with B, C, and D, I ask her "what about me?" but she just rolls her eyes as a joke to me then say "Heh, who you?" or in our language "Heh, sino kaba?" It hurts me but I can't show any emotions like sadness because I don't want to be alone. Whenever she says that, I just say "I'm just 'my name'" then laugh. I always joke because I don't want them to know what's inside my mind. I feel left out sometimes too because B, C, and D always opens up on "A" and not me. I started to think that maybe it's because I don't know how to comfort a person? is it because I always joke around? I make my problems as a joke so they won't think it's real. Sometimes I say "Tawanan mo ang iyong problema" or "Laugh at your problems." I got this line on a song. I forgot the lyrics. I find it funny so I started to use it whenever I feel stressed out. They laugh with me too. I opened up to them that I can't express my feelings that much, that I can't comfort someone or I find it hard whenever someone opens up to me. I actually feel happy and sad whenever someone opens up to me because I think they trust me when they opens up to me and i feel sad because nga I can't help them.

I think they think that every words I say is a joke haha. I hate being me.

I and my friend have their own angst yes, but I've always felt so invalidated towards my feelings, I keep comparing our situations.

Like, one time I and my mom got into a fight which ended up with me crying in my room, but then my friend chats me about something negative that happened.

It's more of my fault of why I feel invalidated, I keep saying "my situation isn't that bad, look at them" hahah

So I'm continuing a rant I made on here I accidentally posted unfinished (here it is, btw)

So basically, I'm in online class due to having this heart problem that's called VSD (ventricular septal defect), and it makes me lose my breath easily, and I get palpitations every time I run. So there's no hope of actually going to face-to-face schools due to walking long hallways and going up stairs. And there's barely anyone in my online class that I can be friends with. It makes me feel a little lonely, and I'm an introvert. But just because of the sole reason of wanting to be alone, I don't want to be lonely, y'know? And because my class starts from 8am to 4pm, I have to stay home for 8 hours, which makes me feel a little isolated inside my house. And when I go out, I can barely even have fun anymore since I always lose my breath so easily. I can't even swim in cold pools and beaches since I get cold so easily. At family gatherings, I can barely even hang out with my cousins since they go out every night. I can't, though. It's basically because I get cold so easily and I can quickly get sick and have a runny nose. I barely even have any friends to talk to; last time I went to school when my disability wasn't a challenge, I had tons of friends. But now, I've only had one friend from my old school that still keeps in touch with me. And she has regular class, so I can't really chat with her every day. Plus, I barely know anyone that shares the same interests as me. Sometimes during online classes, I use my phone during lessons. And technically, every now and then I use my phone to cope with the fact I barely have any friends to talk to and have fun with because I find it fun to use my phone since it's not reality; it's the opposite. It's getting out of reality.

Now getting to my main point, I feel so lonely. Like even an online class is isolation at this point. It's the reason I'm an introvert. At this point, I was made to be an introvert. I'm always alone; I barely talk to anyone anymore; I barely talk to my only friend because I have no enthusiasm to hold a conversation these days... I feel like something's wrong with me. I feel so bad for ignoring her. But I can't find any joy in continuing to talk to her. I don't know what to do. She's so kind too. She's my best friend. She doesn't even know my disability. I keep it a secret since I feel like she'll judge. But I know she won't. I just don't know why I continue to not tell her. I feel so bad. And I feel like my online class is the reason. I feel so isolated, I can barely have fun anymore. I can't even hang out with people my age in my neighborhood due to my disability. So I just stick to cellular devices. I hate online classes. I skip. And now I regret it. I've already been scolded for doing so. But I still keep doing it. It's causing my academics and grades to crumble. I do bad at school now, even before I skipped online classes. I always used to be a 90+ in my old school. Now I'm an 80-91 student. I hate everything about online classes. The school, my teachers, the isolation I feel, the loneliness, my grades—I feel so insecure. And the only reason I accepted going to this school and taking online classes was because I had no choice. My other school's tuition was something my parent's could barely afford. And the online class thing, it's because of my disease. I turn to God and worship him so I wouldn't get in trouble. I would pray I didn't. Plus, just now, I had a grade of 76, and my mom is asking the teacher's if I'm doing something wrong. I am; I'm still skipping. And I feel like I'll get in trouble today. Plus, I have exams next week. Am I just overdramatic because I'm young? I'm not even a teenager yet, nor older than 12. Am I just overreacting? I actually need help on this topic. I'm too scared to even vent to my mom since I keep every emotion bottled up. I want to cry every day. I feel so bad. I feel so guilty for skipping school now.

So basically, I'm in online class due to having this heart problem that's called VSD (ventricular septal defect), and it makes me lose my breath easily, and I get palpitations every time I run. So there's no hope of actually going to face-to-face schools due to walking long hallways and going up stairs. And there's barely anyone in my online class that I can be friends with. It makes me feel a little lonely, and I'm an introvert. But just because of the sole reason of wanting to be alone, I don't want to be lonely, y'know? And because my class starts from 8am to 4pm, I have to stay home for 8 hours, which makes me feel a little isolated inside my house. And when I go out, I can barely even have fun anymore since I always lose my breath so easily. I can't even swim in cold pools and beaches since I get cold so easily. At family gatherings, I can barely even hang out with my cousins since they go out every night. I can't, though. It's basically because I get cold so easily and I can quickly get sick and have a runny nose. I barely even have any friends to talk to; last time I went to school when my disability wasn't a challenge, I had tons of friends. But now, I've only had one friend from my old school that still keeps in touch with me. And she has regular class, so I can't really chat with her every day. Plus, I barely know anyone that shares the same interests as me. Sometimes during online classes, I use my phone during lessons. And technically, every now and then I use my phone to cope with the fact I barely have any friends to talk to and have fun with because I find it fun to use my phone since it's not reality; it's the opposite. It's getting out of reality.

For a month now, I have felt many negative emotions (more than usual) and have been extremely demotivated in my life.

I think my boyfriend is also unhappy because of my current state and I feel guilty. Right now I am so weak mentally, it's hard to change. I am trying but the efforts are so big and the results so tiny.

I wish I could see a therapist but i can't afford to see one at the moment.

I feel so helpless.

Any tips on how to shift mindset? or how to be more gentle with myself? idk i just wanna change, i hate myself

How can i get more things and be more productive when i feel so tired and overwhelmed and nervous all the time? I feel so horrible and i want to hide away from everyone and everything.

Things are Just too much right now. And i never know what to do. Sometimes the only things i can manage Is either sleeping for almost the whole day or shutting my brain off looking at my phone or Just pacing around my house.

I'm so tired. I felt tired for so long now. It's so hard to find energy or motivation when i feel like doing Is Hide and sleep for the rest of the day. I am trying to be better but it Just doesn't work. Everything Just feels so tiring. It feels like everything Is falling apart at the seams all at once.

im a 16 year old girl yet my voice sounds like a 12 year old boy with a stuffed nose. i hate it so much i want a more feminine voice so badly. when i talk to some people online they comment on how they think im a guy😭. not everyone but some and it just pisses me off cuz i cant even control it. I wanna talk to so many people but im scared ill get judged

Or maybe I should rephrase it being ‘alone’ yk I might just be saying this bc of my situation like I sit alone at school no friends but yk I have kinda learnt to deal with it and I’m still bothered but it doesn’t make me that sad anymore. Ok so the main thing in jan I posted a video saying ‘I want a movie where they idolised being alone instead of always makimg it seem like a bad thing’ with the caption- where the characters ACTUALLY have no friends and are still happy and surprising it did get a lot of views and comments 😭 but it was controversial in the comments apparently? Like some people were saying ‘cause it is depressing ? 💀’ others were saying like ‘no it’s not. We don’t always need to be with people’ OK LIKE I GET WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE ‘humans need connection’ but just hear me out. Like believe me I HAVE tried making friends like I’ve gone up to a girl abd was like hey and whe low-key looked uncomfortable 😭 still regret doing it and just yesterday I tried again she was AWKWARD like hopefully u get what I’m saying like yes I’m sure that whole human connection thing makes sense but yk some people just don’t have good people in their lives. And BRO FONT GETME STARTED ON MY MOTHER. Like when I told her I have no one in school that I just sat alone she was like why don’t u try? like that’s not normal! We need people u need to change your mindset! But u see the thing is like bro I have kinda changed my mindset to not needing people bro if I badly wanted people till now my mental health will have become so bad🙏 like I kinda hope u understand my perseptive of wanting a movie like this? Like a character who has no friends and still is happy yk their entire life is based around others. I don’t wnat advice on making friends IVE TRIED I want to be truly happy alone

Honestly, there is more than just my school that i wanted to talk about, so ill put it in also right after school, first thing is that in school, im always told by my friends that most of our classmates or people in the school hate me, only cause they say im over dramatic, a main character, and more, i guess its cause im the only one who tells them to be quiet of fix the chairs when its required…

But its not like i dont know about this before my friends told me, i know people hate me, i always hear them whispering my name, mimicking my voice or even hearing my friends tell me they heard them say fat jokes about me, like that i only came to the certain event for the food..

I would tell a teacher, but i worry ill get hated even more… and its hard already considering most of the people there hate me, and i wont be able to tell my family either, cause last time i did they keep cutting me off and get mad when i snapped at them or tried stopping them from spreading their version of my story, where it would seem like im the one at fault…

But it might be true though, what if im the cause of such things?, what if even if i try doing it cause its good, ill only be seen as annoying?… what if im not soft hearted and in fact im just the over dramatic freak they say that cries or gets mad too easily?

What if when i tried venting to my friends, they were correct when they told me im the reason for such things and that im the cause of family drama, and that it is all in my head?…..

Its easier to tell these through a message than to speak them, after all, i have no one left to talk this to, and if i tried getting therapy, my family would call me crazy… what could i possibly do?….. and am i too young and just misunderstanding everything even though i have felt this way for years now?….

(i'm a filipino so i'm not that fluent in english)

i have this one boy in my class let's name him cat. he is taller than me, moreno, he's funny, smart, and sometimes he's kind.

he have this friend let's name him nit ,a smart one too, more calmmer than him.

i liked nit, but that changes when we cof (me, our president, cat, nit,etc.) join on a competition for science jingle. me and cat gotten closer making me fall for him and stop liking nit since my other frind likes him. one day me, my bestfriend,cat and our president hangout and decided to go to the mall. we were eating some fries talking then my bff spoke "lika magsabihan tayo ng top5 na mga tao na crush natin or kung na attract tayo saknila" we all agree and our president went first, then cat on top 4 or 3 he mention my name which make the three of them laugh and i was just shock that time, i then give my crushes he's on the second place. little did i know my bff actually plan it all cuz she knew i have a crush on cat and cat have feelings for me too.

Does anyone else suddenly realize they're a placeholder friend like you're just there to make space for the cooler better you? In my life most of my friendships are temporary and I'm always left behind. And I would understand if I did something but I never have, people in my life always leave. I've come to expect it now, if I never reach out then I'll never talk to that friend again because I'm always the one reaching out. I guess I just need a friend that wants me around for once. I guess I'm just lonely.

Like why tf couldn’t he just be taller 💔 wasted opportunity (not like anything actually gonna happen if he was tho 😭🙏)

Ok so I actually just downloaded this app just to get this of my chest . OK SO LIKE THERES THIS BOY AND LIKE YK SINCE LAST SEMESTER/YEAR HE DEFINITELY STARES AT ME like honestly I wouldn’t totally mind it but HES SHORTER THAN ME AND LIKE NOT EVEN MY HEIGHT LIKE NO. ITS JUST UNCOMFORTABLE BUT LIKE HE DID AND EVEN THOUGHT WE AREN’T IN THE SAMR CLASSES ANYMORE HE LWK DOES STARE AT ME. Like this is something I would usually rant to friends about but I don’t have any <3 ok Sooo back to him like he definitely fine BUT HES SHORT and even at first I was like why is he staring like I’m literally taller than u 😭 BUT ITS NOT JUST THAT like once last year he was staring at me as I was getting stuff out of my bag and like I stared at him too AND BRO HE CLEARLY AINT SHY ABOUT IT BC HE KEPT ON LOOKING THE AUDACITY. I fumbled tho and looked away 💔 WELL I JUST WANNA RANT THAT WHY TF COULDN’T HE BE TALLER💔💔💔💔 man ig he’d continue id prob HSVE a crush on him for the rest of the year (is this technically a crush??? I HOPE NOT💔) also like yes I have ranted b4 and some one was like ‘just move on’ AND IM TRYING TO BUT FIRST I NEED TO PROCESS THESE EMOTIONS but I do kinda need advice on it tho like today as I was getting ready to leave I’m not entirely sure but i high-key felt a glance AND BRO I ALMOST DID DMT EMBARRASSING INFRONT OF HIM(thank God that didnt happen 🫡) and I DID NOT LOOK AT HIM. So Yhh that’s my rant