Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 46

ive spent so much time noticing and understanding people that im just lost in how to express myself. it didn't really help getting bullied for being quiet and now im incapable of forming friendships:( there is only one person i love being with but she is a distant person and it makes me even more unsure of myself. I hate having to forever suffer with my confidence and social skills because of the ignorance of other people that treated me so horribly. So many times have i imagined scenarios where i wouldn't tolerate what they would say but im not strong enough to do it alone.. . I really wished people were nicer is it that hard ?

A dude I once had a “it’s complicated” thing with love bombed and leave. But I couldn’t leave cause I was too attached. I did end up leaving but it left me traumatized and always wanting him back. I don’t want him back anymore but the trauma is still there.

Don't let this darkness fool you. All lights turned off can be turned on. I'll drive, I'll drive all night. I'll call your mom. Oh, dear, don't be discouraged. I've been exactly where you are. I'll drive, I'll drive all night. I'll call your mom.

(song: Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan, go listen to it, it's very comforting <3)

I know that there are people suffering more out there, I’m a great listener! But sometimes I need someone to listen to me as well.

I hope I’m just going through a teenage nightmare

I think my parents hate me, especially my mom. She just slammed the door at me

I mean I do love my parents, but why do they dislike me? Well here is the answer: My dad is living in Korea, and my mom is in Hong Kong with me. She wants to go back to Korea but she’s afraid that I’ll be too dumb to catch up on Korea’s harsh teaching environment. I think she wants me dead, I’m just being emotional am I? Well I hope I am, my parents wanted me, that’s why they got me, but now that they have me, I’m starting to feel like I’m ruining things. I wanted to make things easier and better for everyone, why how come things turn out like this? I made it worse for others, and twice as tragic for myself, sometimes I care about others a bit too much. My friends at school uses me, my teachers hate me for being too smart, or sometimes asking questions without evidence when other kids litterally threw a bottle across the classroom which could have hit someone hard. My parents hates me, my teachers hates me, why classmates are fake friends, who do I rely on now? The internet is my only hope I suppose

So apparently I don’t really care if this site it safe or not, I listen to way too many people vent in real life, and I couldn’t get a person to rely on myself, and it’s eating me inside. Whenever I feel stressed, I solve math problems, it increases the level of stress but at least it’s all covered up. It makes me forget about my past mistakes

And now here I am, venting here instead because I tried venting to people in my family but ended up in a disaster. My mom always mention that I’m the problem from letting her into peace, if I wasn’t born then she would have flown to Korea. I mean it’s true, it is. I’m blocking her. I just feel bad for others, and I don’t have time to think about myself, but when I mention this problem to others, why do they all just say that I’m too selfish when I’m too selfless? People at school uses me. For money, for food, or because they don’t have friends to sit with on the school bus. I do have a lot of friends, thanks to my personality, but when will be the day that I stop venting online and vent on my classmates on auto pilot mode? I bet they’ll all leave me.

I'm getting really annoyed with my friend B. he seems so distant now and everything I used to do that he found funny or smt he seems to find weird now, like he gives me a look when I do it. and he judges me for everything I do. Literally I've been changing myself so that I can be a better friend to him but he just doesn't appreciate at all what I do for him. it might sound like I'm being selfish but seeing as i've nearly lost sight of who I really am trying to be someone else for him I don't care how selfish I sound. and when he gets triggered he expects me to be like "OH IM SO SORRY R U OK DO YOU NEED A HUG" which I am like that when he gets triggered but he doesn't seem to care about my triggers or boundaries at all. literally ive had to start ignoring my own boundaries bc he ignores them all the fucking time. and I'm fucking done with it. I might be overreacting but idc. hes changed and now I'm not sure if were even friends anymore. when I'm triggered or upset he fucking jokes about it to "cheer me up" but I have music to do that. when I'm triggered, in the moment what I need is support and I never get that from him even if he's the only friend nearby when I get triggered for whatever reason, like he expects me to just fucking deal with it on my own. and yet he expects me to be there for HIM when HES upset or triggered! and then when I do to him what he does to me he's like "you are a horrible person" LOOK AT YOURSELF ASSHOLE! YOU DO THE SAME SHIT TO ME, YET YOU EXPECT TO GET BETTER TREATMENT FROM ME? THINK AGAIN BITCHFACE! and he also expects me to be interested in every single one of HIS interests and looks at ME like mine are WEIRD. He called me fucking PARASOCIAL for liking Kpop idols, like what? YOU SIMP OVER A FUCKING NUMBER FROM AN OBJECT SHOW! its like he thinks he's more important than me or something, and I'm done with it. I hate his fucking guts. I'm so done with his twisted idea of friendship . I've dealt with his shit long enough.

I fixed myself for you, just like you wanted me to! You wanted that, right? Of course you did. You saw I was broken and so I fixed it.

What did I fix? Well, I'm so glad you asked!

I'm not a Kpop fan anymore!

Why? You know why. You said it yourself: you saw my crushes on Kpop guys as parasocial. The connotation you gave the word was negative, so obviously you saw that part of me as broken. So I fixed it!

Here I am. New and improved!

Is there anything else you'd like me to fix?

...

oh.

You want me to fix that?

Don't worry, if it'll make you happy, I'll do it!

You'll recieve your new and improved Me in a day or two!

For now, enjoy the only slightly broken me!

Because this is what you want, right?

Of course it is.

And don't try to tell me otherwise. We both know I'll never be enough for you if I stay just the way I am. We both know I'll never be able to be a good friend to you if I'm just myself.

So let me change for you.

I might lose a bit of myself in the process, but if it makes you happy I don't care.

I hate my friend. It's like she never considers my feelings. She has never asked me how I am. Everyday it's like walking on a minefield around her, I don't know what will piss her off next. I hate how she makes me feel. Like I'm no one. I can't be my true self around her. I wanna end our friendship but that would mean I'd be alone for the rest of highschool. I cant make any other friends since I'm kind of a bullying target.

I don’t even know when it started feeling like this, but lately… I swear it’s like she hates me. My girlfriend, the same girl who used to hold my hand everywhere we went, who used to text me she missed me just 10 minutes after saying goodbye, now she barely looks at me. Every conversation turns into some fight, sometimes over the dumbest things. Like if I don’t reply fast enough, she acts like I’m cheating. If I ask for some space, she says I’m pulling away and accuses me of not caring. I try so hard to show her I love her—I bring her stuff she likes, I cancel plans just to be with her, I listen when she vents—but it’s like nothin I do is ever good enough. She’s always mad. Or cold. Or just not there. And I can’t lie, it hurts. It hurts more than I wanna admit, cuz I still love her. But it’s like I’m stuck in this weird loop where I’m trying to fix something that keeps breakin itself no matter what I do.

What’s even more confusing is that sometimes she does act like she still cares. She’ll cuddle up to me outta nowhere, or send a sweet message, or talk about the future like nothin’s wrong. And I hold on to those moments like crazy, thinkin maybe things are gonna get better. But then the next day it’s back to the same distance, the same anger in her voice, the same feeling like she’s annoyed I’m even around. I started questioning myself constantly. Like am I the problem? Am I really that bad of a boyfriend? I replay things I said, things I did, wonderin where I went wrong. And when I bring it up to her, she either shuts down completely or flips it on me. Says I’m too sensitive, that I take everything the wrong way. But it don’t feel like I’m being dramatic. It feels like I’m bein slowly pushed away by someone who used to love me, and I don’t even kno why.

I think the worst part is that I’m still here, still hoping it’ll go back to how it was in the beginning. Back when she smiled when she saw me, when we stayed up all night talking, when I didn’t have to wonder every day if she even liked me anymore. I miss her, even when she’s right in front of me. And yeah, I know it might be toxic, I know it’s probly not healthy to stay in something that feels so one-sided, but walking away feels impossible. Cuz what if it’s just a phase? What if she’s just goin through something? What if she still loves me deep down but doesn’t know how to show it? I keep askin myself these questions to justify stayin. But at the same time… I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like the enemy in my own relationship. I’m tired of wonderin every day, why does my girlfriend hate me? Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she’s just hurt, or lost, or angry about somethin else. Or maybe... she really does. And I’m just the fool still tryin to fix a heart that ain’t beatin for me anymore.

I’m just really tired and I wanted somewhere to vent that wasn’t to someone I knew, and it was better than my notes app. For the past 6 years I was severely abused in every sense of the word. I got raped at 14 in my school bathroom, and then it just kept happening from different people. I’m in college now which is weird. I moved out. Moved across the country and I just don’t feel better. I got assaulted again here. And then I was dating this guy for a few months and found out he was just using me for sex and he told me he never cared about me. Then I got pregnant and miscarried. He doesn’t know. Barely any of my friends do and they think I’m joking. I relapsed so bad that my wrists from elbows are coated. And I’ve been talking to this guy that I really like but I think he just wants sex too. I’m so sick of that being my only place of worth or value. I deserve more I just can’t find it. Anyways the guy that got me pregnant and doesn’t know texted me last night. I went over to his place and he just cried and apologized for everything for hours. It kind of made me spiral and crash out. My ex girlfriend who I never really got over also followed me on instagram so that’s insane. It just feels like no matter what I decide it’s the wrong decision and like everything is always my fault.

I have a friend group and I’m the youngest in the group. I’m already dealing with mental health problems again after I worked so hard to get better, and everyone in the group comes to me for help with their mental health. And fights in the group, I’m always the therapist in the group. And it’s getting so hard to deal with, I’m getting. Close to ruining my 4 month clean streak because I need an. Outlet for it, and I can’t leave the friend group because even though they’re making it hard for me they’re also the only ones keeping me alive and I’m just so tired..they all ask if I’m ok every now and then and I always say I’m fine because right after I say that they go to venting to me. I’m so tired..

Sometimes i'd want to reset my life like a video game (even though i know It's not) and start over and do everything right because i just keep messing up. I feel like i'm a failure and like i'm wasting my time and other people's because no matter what i do and what i try i never get better. I always feel so exhausted and tired and every day feels like It's getting worse and i don't even know how to explain It to people It feels like i'm rotting and It's been like this for years now and It's only getting worse and i don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of feeling this way and ruining the things I was working for. I just want to hide and sleep forever. I'm so so tired. I've been tired for years now and It never gets better.

My confession.

Well

I’m 14, newly 14. I recently have had a baby. Titus, is what I named him, no one knows. No one thinks that he’s mine, I’ve been just saying he’s my mom’s, she’s absolutely pissed about it but she loves him. I just can hold it in, telling people he’s not my baby and that I feel the longer I tell people he’s not mine the more he will think that I’m not his mother. I refused to stay at the hospital for the 3 days because I would’ve missed school and it would’ve been suspicious. So I went, literally eating pain medicine for lunch and breakfast. I have to pump everyday before and after school, I do this because He is tongue tied and breastfeeding him is difficult. The father doesn’t know yet, and I don’t think he ever will. What do I do?

So i like this boy named Kaleb but hes dating a girl named Allison and i have liked Kaleb for 5 school years but 7 normal years and he has rarely talked to me or noticed me the last time he did i found out he was a very sexual guy and i didn't know how i felt about that but i think i still like him and now his GF his threatening to fight me for him but then i like my ex as well his name is Leo and he told me to kill myself when we broke up but now i'm friends with Leo and i don't know what to do!

“Goodnight, mom,” I whispered into the darkness.

“Goodnight, my dear,” I saw the door open, the light from the hall momentarily pouring in, then the door closed, locking me in darkness once again.

Despite all that had happened that day, I was asleep before long.

----------

I opened my eyes, but I wasn’t in my bedroom. Rather, I was somewhere... else. Somewhere very else indeed.

I shut my eyes. I waited for my mind to calm down. Then I opened them again. I took a look at my surroundings.

I was in a place. Where this place was, I had no idea. But the whole place seemed strangely familiar. The floor was a checkerboard of white, red, yellow, blue, and green tiles. There were large white pillars every few feet. And the feeling the place gave me... a shiver ran down my spine. It felt temporary, like I wasn’t supposed to be there too long.

Well. If I was supposed to get going, I supposed I would.

I started wandering aimlessly, trying to find a door, but the space seemed to never end despite the fact that I could see the walls on either side of me and behind me. I walked and walked for maybe ten minutes.

I started to feel fatigued. Suddenly, something felt... off. Something was shifting in the universe. Something told me I’d been there too long.

I blinked. Before me was a door that definitely had not been there before. Hesitantly, I turned the knob. I pushed the door open.

Before me was a hallway. It looked like one you'd find in a hotel, except I couldn’t see an end. The corridor was poorly lit, and the walls lined with doors. None of them had handles.

This place gave me a weird feeling, just like the first had: I’ve been here before, this is temporary, don’t stay for too long. But it also felt kind of... in-between, like it was there and nowhere at the same time. Like a threshold between... realities.

I felt the sudden urge to get to the end of the hallway. Part of me wanted to act on that. But another part of me said to turn around and go back to the other place. And yet another part was telling me to...

Wake up?

I shook my head and started walking.

And I walked.

And walked.

A n d w a l k e d.

Andwalkedandwalkedandwalkedandwalkedand-

I reached the end.

Finally.

There was a door not unlike the one I’d come through. I reached out to turn the knob, to get out, finally. There was a sense of finality to this door, like it was the last.

But right before I put my hand on the knob, I stopped.

Froze.

Listened.

To a little voice in my head.

My curiosity.

What’s behind the other doors? I wondered.

I backtracked a few. One of the doors felt right. I stopped. I faced it.

Like all the other doors, it had no handle. But it was also different from the others. It seemed... familiar. And I knew I’d seen it before.

The door to my old house.

Hesitantly, I raised a hand. I knocked on the door. Exactly the same rhythm as I always used to knock on doors. Tap, tap, tap-tap, tap.

The door swung open.

I stepped inside.

I stumbled.

The room was familiar. It was my room, the one I’d had as a kid, before my family fell apart. I’d had that room until I was five, then my mom moved out, and then my dad moved out, and the house was sold.

I walked through the room, my room, in awe. I felt safe. Everything was as I remembered. It was a small room. Model airplanes hung from the ceiling. The walls were covered in glow-in-the-dark stars. The comforter was Cars 2 themed. The only light came from my favorite car lamp. It lit the small space surprisingly well. The desk across from the bed, the one I’d called my “work desk” was the same.

Everything was exactly the same.

Except...

On the desk sat a colouring book and a box of crayons, fresh and new. I flipped through the colouring book. Cars. My favourite thing when I was five. I sat at the desk and started colouring. After a while I was hungry. I looked around.

On the bed was a plate that held a grilled cheese sandwich with a side of ranch dressing for dipping. Next to it was a juice box. Grape juice. My favourite meal as a kid.

That hadn’t been there before.

I stood up and picked up the plate and juice box. I carried it back to the desk and continued colouring as I ate.

Vaguely I wondered whether I should probably find my way home.

But I was home.

Safe away from the pains of the real world, I could be five years old forever in my five-year-old bedroom.

And I was content with that.

----------

In the real world, the world outside the boy’s mind, everything went on as normal. The boy went to school, came home, ate his food, switched between parents, all as he normally would.

But now, he did so with a dreamy, faraway look on his face. Like he wasn’t really there.

Nobody at school noticed. To them, the boy was being his usual weird self. They avoided him, as they’d always done.

Then a new kid came. He was nervous. He didn’t know anybody.

The new kid saw the boy. Thought he might be nice. Decided to introduce himself.

“H-hey,” the new kid said. “My name’s Bowie. I’m new. What’s your name?”

The boy looked at the new kid with the same, dreamy, faraway look.

“My name is _ _ _ _ _.”