Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 67

idk whats wrong with me lately but its like everythin just feels heavy?? like i wake up n my chest is tight nd i dont wanna get outta bed. i just stare at the ceiling n think bout nothin but also everything at once. i used to wake up n feel kinda excited for the day but now its like...idk. empty i guess? my alarm goes off nd i feel this dread inside me like "oh great, here we go again". and i know i shouldnt feel this way cuz like nothin bad rlly happened but still its like my bodys fightin against me or sumthin.

when i go out with friends now, im not even rlly there. i try to laugh and joke but its like im watchin myself from the outside. like im pretendin to have fun when inside i just wanna go home n crawl under my blankets. and sometimes they notice n ask me whats wrong but i dont even know what to say?? cuz if i say "idk i just feel bad" they look at me weird n i feel stupid. so instead i say "im fine just tired" or sumthin but deep down i kno they kno its more than that. nd then i feel worse cuz im lyin to ppl i love but what else am i sposed to do? tell them my brain feels broken??

school feels impossible rn too. i sit in class n all the words the teacher says jus float past me like i cant grab onto em. my grades r slippin nd i kno it but its like i cant even care enough to fix it. ill sit at my desk to study n end up starin at the wall for hours. like time jus stops or sumthin. and then i get rlly mad at myself cuz i kno i should be better but i cant seem to make myself move. i just feel stuck. like theres glue holdin me in place n the harder i try to move the more stuck i get.

my mom tried to talk to me bout it yesterday. she noticed i was bein quiet nd stuff at dinner n asked me if sumthin was wrong. i wanted to tell her everything, how i feel lost nd sad nd tired all the time. but instead i just shrugged n said "nah im fine mom". she gave me that look she always does when she knows im lyin but she didnt push it. i think she wants me to talk but idk how to even start. what if she thinks im bein dramatic? what if she thinks its just some teenage thing n not real? cuz it feels pretty real to me.

idk what im sposed to do anymore. i jus kno that i dont feel good, not at all. like somethings missing from inside me n i cant find it. i jus want to feel normal again. not even happy, just normal. but rn that feels impossible, like im trapped in this fog that wont go away. i jus wanna wake up n breathe easy again, feel the sun without wishin i could stay in bed forever. i jus wanna be me again, but i dunno how to find her.

Am I the asshole for buying everyone ice cream?

my family seems to think I am.

my grandma's birthday is in a few days but she's been sick and bummed out, not to mention I'm working a lot and my mom has been bothering me about cleaning my room... so I gave my grandma her presents early. which she loved but I suppose it was my fault because this is where this issue starts...

my grandma didn't feel great and wanted me to take her to the store, I went and while she was shopping I got gas. she gave me $10 towards it which was nice. I would tell her to keep it but for people that understand out there ...doing that is more trouble than it's worth. normally I would sneak it back into her purse or a coat pocket so it's a surprise when she finds money around but she wanted to get ice cream so I decided to use some coupons and order it ahead since she wasn't feeling well. however you want to think of it.... I used the $10 either towards my gas or towards her gigantic sundae, I wasn't going to ask for any more money.

I decided to buy my mom and stepdad a little ice cream too, I know what they like... but when I got home they didn't say thank you. my mother called me fat and uncontrollable, especially noticing that their 2 sundaes were a medium instead of a large like mine and my grandma's. my stepdad said he didn't need it and when the time came later for a snack they openly grabbed chips. they do this often so I'm bothered by it but probably not as much as another person would be or I should be.

meanwhile... everyone had gotten a different ice cream. I could tell which one was which by size and toppings. my grandma had her ice cream in her freezer, before she went to bed (8pm) she said she didn't feel good and wasn't eating it tonight, not a problem. I left and around 9 when I went for my ice cream, eating past the toppings I chose for myself I noticed the ice cream place messed up, that ice cream wasn't my ice cream.. I assumed it was switched with my grandma's or they just gave me ice cream with nuts which I do not eat so I put the ice cream back in the freezer to figure out tomorrow when I got up and my grandma was awake so I could dig through her toppings to see if that was actually 'her ice cream' under there and if it really was a mistake then I would just scoop my ice cream out and switch.

I went to sleep. The next morning I got up and asked if she had eaten the ice cream, how she was feeling, etc..

"oh I was so sick last night. I got up in the middle of the night and had 'a little' ice cream blah blah.. why?"

"a little? oh ok good. I was wondering because I was trying to eat mine and when I got past my toppings on the one side I could see that wasn't my ice cream. I ordered everyone butter pecan with extra nuts.. I guess the girl was confused because I got butter pecan but with all my toppings on top"

"but you don't like nuts"

"yea I know. at first I thought maybe she mixed our ice cream up and I was going to check to see if you got my Oreo but since you had 'a little' how was it?"

"don't get me ice cream anymore"

?

"it tasted funny"

??? *walking to the freezer, prepared to get her ice cream to check but stops*

"it was probably my taste buds since I'm sick. yea, I ate the whole thing"

"... I thought you said you had 'a little'?"

"no I ate the whole thing"

"even though 'it tasted funny'?"

"well that was just my taste buds. I pushed through it"

"well.... I ...okaaay.. so.... what color was the ice cream?"

"it was ice cream"

"yes. what color? black? white? gray?"

"yea it was like black"

"that was my ice cream"

"you gave it to me!"

"yea because I thought it was yours. your toppings were on top. we both had different toppings so..."

"ok well then give me my ice cream"

...?

"the ice cream you still have. you didn't eat it right? the yellow butter pecan.. that was mine so give it to me."

"it has all my toppings on it.. you won't like that.."

"I'll pay you for it"

"no no it's ok"

I didn't take her money. I took off my toppings as best I could and gave her the ice cream. she complained to my mother about something because a while later my mother says something like "I can't believe you took her money, it's ice cream! her birthday is next week that could have been her present"

I didn't say anything and idk what was said by who but.... I got my grandmother at least $50 of stuff. sure she gave me $10 'for gas' but I'm paying for her Netflix and with her $10 Starbucks and the $12 ice cream for her... and that's just TODAY. I get people things all the time. PLUS I buy my mother's birthday cake and my grandma's cake every year....

I ignored what my mother and stepdad said again. I asked my grandma how the ice cream was, if it was better than the previous one. she said "it was ok. I still can't taste right but I know that there was no basically no toppings on it and the few things that were there weren't even what I liked. (name) you have to remember I like nuts. lots and lots of nuts, and caramel. this didn't have that"

"yea ..all the nuts and the caramel were on the first one you ate. this one I took the toppings off because I knew you wouldn't like it"

"yeaaa... that first one tasted funny. just don't get me ice cream anymore"

my mother walked by in that moment, overhearing, and decided to tell me that no one needed or wanted ice cream, and I should be more thoughtful since some people are lactose intolerant. my grandma and stepdad basically agreed saying they didn't ask for any of that.

so I guess I'm just some wicked witch pushing my evil lactose on people, talking about my topping agenda.

I’m so fucking done with ppl who don’t know my tell me to die die die all the fucking time I accidentally posted a vid of a few marks and now getting judgement for it I don’t know if there right maybe I should just die but I don’t want to go to this stage again of feeling low and self harm and being suicidal I literally js got a text from her now saying to kill myself like what am I ment to say to that ohh Yh sure like what the fuck I’m so stuck and I have school starting on Tuesday and I’m literally so scared to go back idk what there gonna do and my anxiety is so crazy I’m having panic attack and anxiety attacks all the time now

I remember when things were different between us. I remember the warmth in your eyes when you looked at me, how your voice would soften when you said my name, how your touch made me feel cherished. I used to believe with my whole heart that you truly cared about me and loved me. Now, I find myself questioning everything.It feels like your love has become conditional - as if I need to perform or give parts of myself away just to receive your attention. I've noticed that you respond when I offer my body, my time, my energy, my resources - but when I need emotional support, you seem to disappear. This pattern has left me feeling like an object rather than a partner. I feel like I must constantly earn your love rather than simply being worthy of it through who I am. The loneliness I feel even when we're together is overwhelming. I walk on eggshells around you, carefully measuring my words and actions, afraid that one wrong move will push you further away. Your love feels like it comes with fine print - conditions and clauses that I never agreed to but must somehow fulfill. Everything I worked so hard to build with us - the trust, the openness, the safety - seems to have vanished without explanation. When I try to express myself to you, it's as if my words evaporate before they reach you. You look at me, but you don't see me. You hear me, but you don't listen. The only time you seem truly engaged is when the conversation centers on things that make you feel good or validated. My pain, my concerns, my needs - these seem to be inconveniences to you rather than valid parts of our relationship that deserve attention.You say "I love you" with such ease, but those words ring hollow when not backed by action. Where is the affection that used to flow so naturally between us? Where are the small gestures that showed me I was on your mind? Where is the desire in your eyes that made me feel wanted? Your words and your actions tell two different stories, and the disconnect between them leaves me disoriented and questioning my own perceptions. Time after time, you claim you want to communicate and work through our issues. "Let's talk about it," you say. "I want us to work this out." But when the moment comes to actually do the hard work of relationship building, you check out. You offer surface-level responses or empty promises that things will improve. We both know the pattern by now - nothing changes. You go through the motions of caring without the substance of it. You create the illusion of effort without actually putting in any real work. Our nights have become a painful reminder of our disconnection. We go to bed with tension hanging in the air, issues unresolved, words unsaid. You turn away and fall asleep as if nothing is wrong, while I stare at the ceiling, replaying conversations and wondering what happened to us. Remember when we couldn't bear to end our days without hearing each other's voices? When falling asleep on the phone together was our ritual because we couldn't stand the separation? Now, days pass where we barely exchange meaningful words because you're always "too busy" for me. Yet somehow, in your supposedly packed schedule, you carve out time for her - the very person who betrayed our privacy by gossiping about our relationship. The same person you looked me in the eyes and promised you would distance yourself from. You hang out with her behind my back, constructing elaborate lies to cover your tracks, even though you know exactly how much this hurts me. It's as if my pain doesn't factor into your decisions at all. What cuts even deeper is how you deliberately bring her up in conversation, watching my reaction as if my discomfort provides some form of entertainment for you. When you casually mentioned that you used to have feelings for her, it was like a knife to my heart. That information serves no purpose except to make me feel insecure and question what's really happening between you two. Did you think about how that would affect me before you said it? Did you care? The contradiction between your words and actions has become impossible to ignore. You tell me I mean everything to you in one breath, and in the next, you treat me as if I'm nothing. You claim I'm a priority while consistently putting me last. You say you value our relationship while actively undermining it. I'm left wondering which version of you is real - the one who makes promises or the one who breaks them. I'm hurting in ways I never thought possible. There's an anger in me that burns alongside the sadness, a profound sense of betrayal that keeps me awake at night. What devastates me most is that you don't seem to notice or care about the pain you're causing. Or worse, perhaps you do notice and simply don't think it matters enough to change your behavior. I still remember how you used to look at me like I was the most precious thing in your world. How you would speak about our future with such certainty and joy. How your actions aligned perfectly with your words, creating a foundation of trust I thought would never break. Now I feel like an afterthought, something you step over or around on your way to what really matters to you. I need to know if what we had is real or if it was just an illusion. I need to understand if there's anything left to salvage or if I should stop pouring my heart into something that no longer exists. Most importantly, I need you to understand that love isn't just a word - it's a choice you make every day through your actions, your attention, and your priorities. Right now, your choices are speaking louder than any words you could say. I'm laying my heart bare because despite everything, I still care enough to fight for us. But I can't and won't fight alone. The question is: are you still in this with me, truly? Or have you already checked out while keeping me hanging on to false hope?

Compared to most of the problems in my life right now, this feels pretty low on the totem pole. But I don’t feel like anyone I’ve talked to about it can understand, and I’m feeling crazy because I’m the problem!?! Okay. So I have this friend. Sorta… let’s start at the beginning. I have a really good friend in my Geology major, let’s call her Glasses. And this good friend met another girl, let’s call her Hammer. Glasses and Hammer became pretty good friends. And from there we formed a little trio of sorts. That’s the short version at least. Hammer then met another girl, let’s call her Miss Perfect. And we would all hang out and we had a good group going. But, miss perfect and I never really clicked. I liked her as a person, but the gears never really aligned or something cause as soon as it was just us two we never had anything to really say. And I’d call her a friend, but definitely not close. That’s the general background. Anyway, I really pride myself on my acedemics. I’ve always been an A student, someone who’s always got the answer, who puts in the work, has a fun idea, understands the concept. You know. Typical geek. But geology’s my passion you know! I’m gonna really try and put my best foot forward. And I’m good at it. I’m a really good geologist… but Miss Perfext, it always felt like she would do better. Or at least people would praise her for being the best. I honesty feel like we are equals. But somehow, she’s always the one to get the praise or the recognition. For some reason, she’s always the better one. And it’s infuriating in a major where there’s only 20 people, cause why can’t I just beat her?!? And there have been times where I have, but they seem to be outweighed with her getting a better score or picked for a team assignment over me or whatever! And it really wasn’t that big of a problem in school. Because we had a different enough schedule where it wasn’t that big of a deal and it wasn’t in every class and I knew at some point I would not be in school with her and it wouldn’t really matter in the long run. I loved my work and that was good enough for me. But now… ok so I graduated last summer, and Hammer and I got a job at the same place. And it’s a good job. Sorta geology related and such so I feel it’s a good stepping stone before grad school and other jobs moving forward. But this summer..: Miss perfect applied and got the job. And I just don’t want to feel like I need to keep competing with her in my work place! Because what if she gets promoted over me?! What if they think she’s so much better than me and I get lumped with the geotechs where no geology is done at all and she’s out with the real geologists doing the real science?! When I’ve been there longer? Im not hoenslty that passionate about this company but it kinda upsets me! Because Hammer and Miss Perfext are closer together that I am with Hammer. So not only will it feel like I need to prove myself when I shouldn’t need to feel that way, I also don’t want to feel like a third wheel! And they’re moving in together! Ugh! So there. And when I ask my boyfriend, he just says, comparison is the thief of joy, which is a real fuck you if you ask me.

I have national exam in about few days and I'm so scared. I really don't know anything and I just keep getting distracted. I'm stressing and hyperventilating but I still can't study and foolishly wasting my time in phone. It feels like the world is gonna end for me. I really wanna give. I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm scared about my parents. I'm so scared that I'd rather give up than face them. I hate it, I hate it so much. I'm so dumb, stupid and idiot.

ALERT: This is probably TW. Don't read this if you think it could in any way negatively affect you.

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I'm having a breakdown. I hate my fucking body. It's disgusting. My BMI is 18, is very very much. I'm really fat. Ugh, I feel like tearing off all the fucking fat. I'm crying

im so sick of feeling this way all the time. like evry day i wake up n theres this tight feelin in my chest like somethings gonna go wrong. i cant even remember the last time i felt calm or normal, its jus anxious anxious anxious all day long. its not jus anxiety either tho, im angry all the time too. like little things set me off, stuff that shouldnt even matter makes me so mad i could scream. n then i feel guilty for bein angry at ppl who probly dont even kno wat they did. its like theres somethin broken in my head n i cant fix it no matter wat i do.

school used to be alright but now its the worst. i cant concentrate in class, i jus sit there worryin bout stuff i cant control. if the teacher calls on me, i panic, like my mind goes totally blank n i feel like everyones starin at me thinkin im stupid. then when class ends i get angry at myself for not tryin harder, for bein weak, for lettin anxiety win again. i kno i need to calm down but tellin myself that jus makes me even more angry. i jus wanna be normal. i jus wanna not feel like im constantly gonna explode or cry or both at the same time.

my friends r startin to notice too i think. like they ask me whats wrong n i dont even kno wat to tell them. how do u say "im jus anxious n angry all the time for no reason" without soundin crazy?? so instead i jus say "im fine" even tho we all kno im not. n sometimes they say stuff like "just chill" or "u gotta relax" n it makes me mad cuz dont they kno if i could jus chill i would?? they dont get it. nobody gets it. its like im alone even when im wit ppl. n then im mad at myself for bein lonely too, like why cant i jus be grateful i even hav friends who care enough to ask.

i kno i probly need help but i dont even kno where to start. talkin to my parents feels impossible cuz they jus say stuff like "its jus a phase" or "stop bein dramatic." but wat if its not jus a phase? wat if im stuck feelin anxious n angry forever? i dunno how much longer i can keep pretendin everythings ok when its rlly not. im jus tired, like rlly tired. tired of feelin this way n tired of fightin wit myself all the time. i jus wish someone could understand how hard it is, how it feels like im losin myself a little bit every single day.

Apparently here is me and my mom, who fights for the smallest things ever. We just fought today in the clothing store because my style of fashion is way too different from hers.

I know what’s going to happen later on, she’s gonna yell at me, and tell me it’s my fault— but why? It’s not my fault that I like simple clothes, not those complex colorful designs that she tells me to wear

Right. She’s my guardian so she gets to decide who was wrong and who was right— I mean she’s always right

But how to I tell her that she was wrong this time? She’s mad for absolutely no reason

Hi.

I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 6 years now and I love her. When I met her she had a 3yr old son and we now have a son together. The issue now is that we constantly fight and we are drifting apart, I feel like I don't wanna be with her anymore and I have very dark thoughts, sometimes I wanna just end my life but I think about my son. I'm really sinking and I have nobody to speak to.

I have found comfort in playing with myself(wanking). I don't have friends, my life is just sad. The only reason I'm sticking around is because of my child, I really need help.

My mother has 3 daughters. I am the youngest, with two older sisters. My oldest sister died of a rare form of cancer 2 months ago. She was only 35. Saying that we were close is an understatement. We lived together and worked together. She was my very best friend and understood me on a level I don't think anyone ever will again. My middle sister is also my bestfriend, but the relationship is different. She's a very selfish person. She doesn't know how to be any other way. Before my oldest sister died, they were in an argument and not talking. My middle sister doesn't feel guilty about that at all..saying she knows without a doubt they would have been talking again soon. Well that's not neccesarily the truth. I know so much that she doesn't about how my oldest sister was going to cut her off completely. She still loved her, but just didn't like her anymore..and as mean as it sounds, her reasons were valid. I could never share that with my middle sister of course..but sometimes I wish I could. She has made comments lately that have made me so angry. She has said, "I'm so sorry we lost our sister. She was so much better to you than I can be." And you know what shes freaking right. My oldest sister was better to me, and the family. She cared for me and about me. She was selfless. So if my middle sister wants to sit and talk with me, looking for pity when making those statements... I'm going to come online and say the one thing I would never say aloud. you're right. It should have been you.

I know the title is silly. It's my attempt to lighten what is bound to be a pretty depressing situation to write out.

So I'm autistic, but autistic in the way where it's almost -ALMOST- not a problem. I can speak well, I can go out in public and not visibly stand out if I try not to (unless I open my mouth), I'm smart and kind and not prone to outbursts. I keep myself and my surroundings clean enough. HOWEVER. I still need help. I can't open cans or use can openers, I can't hold a bag for long or it hurts my stupid oversensitive hands, I never got the hang of folding clothes or tying shoes. I'll forget to eat sometimes, forget to shower sometimes (though never if I have somewhere to be), and I'm totally nocturnal on account of the only friends I have being digital and overseas. People in real life don't stay, or worse, they do and they bully me. My diet is almost entirely beige, I can't use a bus without getting lost if the route is unfamiliar, the list goes on and on. The things I can do are many, and I love my hobbies no matter how unprofitable they are, but the few things I can't outweigh them by societal importance. Jobs reject me because I can't answer the phone or stand up for the whole shift, and I need to do only one or two tasks, not eight.

This is where the title kicks in - I like to joke I have Old Timey Disney Princess Syndrome, in that there is literally no solution for my problems that doesn't involve waiting for someone else to please, please swoop in and fix it for me:

Want my own house? Wait for someone with money to agree to live with me.

Want a job? Wait for someone to say yes to an application AND they have to agree to my limited scope of things I can actually do.

Want to go out somewhere? Wait for someone to be available to take me.

It's crushing me. I'm doing everything I can to try and move along - I want SOMETHING in my life to change, but it's like I'm on a treadmill. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, nothing changes. If anything, the situation gets worse year upon year. I've recently turned 24, so my job prospects are now the lowest they've ever been because I'm now competing with fully-able people my age who who finished university, and I couldn't even go because I got bullied so hard everywhere else.

I know a lot of people who will look at this story and go "wow. what a whiny victim, no such thing as 'can't', just get up and DO IT." and to that I say, "don't you think I've tried?"

Every single thing I have listed for you here, every single item, I have attempted to change or struggle through. I have wasted months or years trying to do things I'm simply not built to be able to do. I have worked myself to breakdown and therapy again and again. I have tried every option available, from self-employment to placements to toughing-it-out. I have tried left handed can openers, electric can openers, ring pulls. I have tried pre-bagged veggies in my diet, differently prepared almost every way you can think of. I have been on so many courses that my work coach has run out of courses to send me on. That is how hard I have tried, and still I have no results. I am exactly where I've been for the past six years.

I am still stuck at home with my borderline abusive father, doing all the chores as best as I can with very little praise for the effort while he comes home and passes out, and I have to accept that, because at least he's worked hard to feel so exhausted. I barely do anything except job applications and chores.

I had thought perhaps the answer was my boyfriend, eventually moving out to America to be with him, but uh...not anymore! thanks politics.

So now I just don't know what to do. I've run out of things to try, and I don't want to be another example of an autistic person driven to the Worst Outcome, but I don't know how much longer I can bear being like this without any change.

I'd appreciate any suggestions from anyone who's been where I am and managed to scrabble out of the pit.

i am an autistic, agender sapphic, and i have huge struggles with trust issues and lack of confidence in relationships. for info, im 19, never ever dated in my life, not even kissed, and for the longest time i didn't care about it at all. but recently, I've been craving some sort of intimate affection. i want someone to cuddle, kiss, share kind words and feel safe with...

but i am also extremely scared of relationships. whenever i think of connecting with someone, my mind wanders to the worst. what if my autism,(lv2) is too much for my partner to deal with, and makes her feel like she's with a "grown child"? what if my lack of expressing feelings makes the relationship underwhelming, potentially making her leave or even cheat w someone better, more "normal"? what if, because my gender identity is so confusing, i end up being replaced by someone who's either more manly or more feminine than me?

my trust issues make connecting to people even harder. it's easier for me to start disliking someone than liking, bcs I'm too aware of everything. i wanna be more open, less scared of people, but doing this might make me vulnerable, and the thought of having my vulnerability weaponized against me for whatever reason is TERRIFYING.

so, that's basically it. if anyone else feels like this, or has advice, I'd really love it! i know therapy is the ideal way but the waiting line is really big, so there's little i can do now... anyway, have a wonderful day!

so like 2 days ago my bf didn't contact me for a little over 24hrs. now, i know he had tons of work to do, but he didn't tell me when he's gonna start and be busy so i got worried a bit after not hearing from him for so long, but then he texted the next morning saying he had so much work to the point he cried and got a headache, and still have more work after that :((, the thing is, we didn't even text for like an hour and hes gone doing work again.. btw im not like saying "oh he should've texted me more" no im saying that, that less then an hour text was the only break he got :(( and now he hasn't been texting since yesterday morning.. im just scared he's overworking himself :(( idk what to do.. i also like send him lots of texts throughout the day, but not like texts begging him to text back, i just text stuff like how im thinking about him, and how i love him and how proud i am of him, and that those texts are the only way i can give him support right now :( im scared i sent too many tho.. but like i care abt him.. i don't want him to come back after tons of work to a partner who doesn't or miss him yk?.. idk im scared idk what's gonna happen there's no signs of him..... i don't want to sleep what if i miss a text message from him

[Translated from Spanish. Reminder: IIWIARS is English only]

I feel terrified of going outside and being completely judged for it. I don’t like talking, I don’t like expressing myself. I don’t even feel capable of being with a girl. I don’t want to be with one. I feel like I’ve become a mess of ideas—so many ideas. Like I’m shedding layers of myself.

I feel like I’m not okay—but also that I am. I feel like I’ve been in a transformation process for a long time now. Like I’m moving toward my true self, peeling off old layers of experiences. I used to think I had matured, but really, I had just kept layering one cover over another. I don’t know how else to explain it.

It feels like I’ve been unfolding my form. This has been happening for quite some time. I think it’s because I finally feel whole in a new group. Yes, I feel like I belong—with a girl, specifically—and I love that feeling. It’s been going on for a while now, I repeat. She’s not physically present, but the way we are keeps the group alive. I don’t feel the need to be with anyone else. Being distant from her makes me feel her presence even more. I feel like I can be alone—but still in her company—and it’s truly amazing.

My parents didn’t understand this, but personally, I don’t care. The process is happening either way. These are the catharses I’m experiencing. I don’t feel like there’s anyone else out there waiting for me—and I don’t need them. I feel like my life is on track, and I can live the way I like. In this group, I feel that’s respected—and it’s fantastic. I’ve committed to pursuing a career, and I rely only on the approval of the principles this group shares.

Looking back, all that time I supposedly "got sick" or "went through somatic suffering"—I think I was really just trying to re-locate myself within this group and within the system that surrounds us. It’s like saying: I’m done with the old societal structure, with the weight of those layers. Here, in this group, we are free. Again, I don’t feel I need anyone else.

These catharses—what I say—are just to release things. I speak things about myself, but they’re temporary. It’s like I’m passing through them. I think I’m heading toward something, but I realize I only needed to shed that layer—to see that I never really wanted that thing. I don’t know, but I feel like this process I’m going through isn’t something many people experience—maybe no one. It’s about leaving behind all the groups you once belonged to. You feel like you belong to just one now, and all the others are just places you visit occasionally.

I feel like I’ve always been okay. I was never truly unwell. I just needed—without realizing it and even fooling myself—to reposition myself within society. Now I understand all the disappointment I’ve felt. I thought I wanted to be with a girl—and it turns out I don’t. Especially not one outside my group. I feel more distant from her. I don’t know what to do with those feelings I had for her. Whether she’s around or not makes no difference—same goes for her mother.

Life is happening. Nothing feels the same anymore. No one believed me—and I didn’t even need them to. I thought I had forgotten about this group. Maybe I did. But I now realize it was a version of it where she, the girl from my group, was someone who abandoned me and hurt me. And now she’s not. Being in this group makes her devoted and respectful—and I love that. Before, I felt like she was spiraling toward a nightmare that could’ve even ended her life—God forbid—with something as terrible as a knife. I hope I was wrong.

I don’t know what comes next for my life. I’ve never faced something like this. It’s all been about letting myself be carried by the current—and that’s it. Like I entered a kind of crisis only to come out the other side, finally shining. I don’t know if I wish things had been different. Probably not. I feel like I’m in a much better place now, where I’m allowed to bloom on my own terms. I didn’t feel that before. This group is about feelings, not about upholding painful old paradigms—a bitter photo album that, in my opinion, is always ugly.

It’s amazing how that other girl—the different one—has become almost a ghost to me. Hearing her mother’s distant voice, feeling how, as I got closer to them, they faded further away… it was indescribable. Psychologically, despite the distance, I feel closer to the girl in my group. And I think that’s the whole point. Because with her, I sense a real structure—something genuine. Not like in my family, where all they focused on was finding flaws. That was bitter through and through.

I feel like I’m in paradise—even though I’m still in the same house, in the same place. The people around me might be nearby physically, but they can’t really reach me. I’m a stranger to them now. Just like she, the girl in my group, is a stranger to her environment. In fact, she was already acting that way the last time I saw her in person. It’s clear now: her spirit was already with me—expressed in the way I feel so deeply supported by her.