Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 13

Got lots of love to give but no one wants to have it. They want the toxic ones.

My life is a dumb drama. Last year I went travelling with friends. To cut the story short I saw someone staring at me during my connecting flight . I posted about it in another site but the reality is that I don't know the person and also I think he just saw me there. I posted this in another website and these " people" who kept on stalking me assumed they know the person that I am rambling about!? Wtf? Or did I miss some story that I didn't know? Bad news he was with a wife/gf during that flight lol but kept staring at me. I somehow recognize the voice but whatever. Second, I don't get the point of all the stalking and sht when they don't even entry to TALK TO ME. In person. For what? I'm not overthinking at this point. They were watching my network activities since last year which isfcking illegal. For what reason? I dunno? Maybe they just want to fcking screw me or what? I really dunno.

Bro…

We have free will😦⁉️ if I’m unhappy w something do something about it. Like I get we can’t always change our situation and how we feel about them

LIKE IF SMT MAKES ME HAPPY I CAN GO DEEPER INTO THAT WTHH

But the classic saying…

‘You can change how you react to them’

Friends or no friends. My life is gonna continue. So I gotta stop this worry kinda and just do stuff(kinda limited rn but hopefully won’t be when I grow up 😭)

WRITE SMT DOWN ABOUT HOW UVE REALISES U CAN DO WHATEVER

Just the title

My mom has NEVER been caring or even considerate towards others since I was little, even then, I believe I only remember her that way because most children under the age of 5 cling to their mother's hip.

My mother was a hardcore drug addict up until my little brother was born (I was 4) and she was forced into rehab so she could get treatment for the cancer they discovered in her thyroid during that pregnancy. My newborn brother and I lived with my nana during that time. When my mother returned, we moved. My mother has had a pattern of constant moving most of my life, up until the age of 9.

My mom after cancer treatment was different. She's never been the same since that, not that I can remember it well. My mom became aggressive towards me, often pinning blame on me, and constantly raising her voice, she switched to constant alcohol consumption in place of the drugs. My mom became a revolving door, men came in, and went out just as quickly, most of them, if not all of them, were losers as well. Slowly over the years she's stepped further and further away from me.

If we skip ahead to when I was about 11, my mother started seeing a new guy, another loser. Soon enough, she gets pregnant with my younger sister, and the guy my mom is with leaves in the blink of an eye.

In her 9 months of pregnancy, my mom got with two other men, both of them constantly staying in the home. The second of the two stuck around, he stuck around for 3 years, but that didn't make him any better than the rest. He was verbally abusive, to me, and my 7 year old brother. My mom didn't bat an eye, saying it was "plain discipline". We would get screamed at and spat at if we forgot to open the curtains during the day or missed a spot while sweeping. It only got worse.

I used to be ahead of everyone in my classes. I was smart, now I struggle to pass classes below my grade level. I was smart until my mom and her boyfriend made me stay home from school, sometimes for weeks at a time, so that they could go out all day, with no care about my newborn sister or I. I was 12 and I was the primary caregiver for a newborn baby. My resentment towards my mother didn't just grow during that time, it had multiplied by the minute. It reached it's peak at some unmemorable point in my life. I lashed out, getting physical with her and admitting my hatred flat out. I don't remember what happened after that, but it was only a mental decline from there.

I started to neglect my sister when she was in my care, not causing her harm, but letting her cry for a few minutes before trying to calm her. I would neglect my younger brother as well, often cussing at him and stepping on his stuffed animals. I would be reprimanded when my mom an her boyfriend got home, but at that point, I didn't care. I was already upset, a bit of yelling only made me cry, I grew used to it.

Me and my brother changed drastically in those few years until my mom eventually broke up with that boyfriend and kicked him out. My mom only broke up with him because he started to lash out at her. She still keeps him around though, making him pay to see my sister, who isn't even her biological father. It's sickening. She's had multiple boyfriends since then, most I can't remember.

As much as I hate to admit it, I find myself jealous of my younger sister, who is now 5 as I write this. I feel upset by her situation as well though, and my brothers. It is of my mothers accord that I have no father figure, she cheated on him 2 weeks before they were supposed to marry. She was 7 months pregnant with me at the time.

My younger brother, and sister especially, grew close to my mothers ex, both of them starting to grow close as he continued to pay for visitations. He tried to be there for me as well, and I admired him for that, though I never clicked with him. He changed, becoming caring and kind, a real dad to my siblings. My mom never changed.

When I was about 16, my mom kicked me out and I moved into a room in my nana's friend's house. I had to live off old peanut butter and bathroom tap water the entire time, until recent, when I got a cheap dive apartment.

Eventually, without warning, my mom cut her ex out of all our lives, including mine, replacing him with what she wanted me to accept as a father figure, a familiar face. The man my mom had cheated on my father with. Apparently the guy (who we'll call J) was divorcing his wife of 10 years, and got back with my mom, moving in with her and my siblings. It's cruel. I know my mom only cut he ex out of my siblings lives because she thinks J is going to be upset with her, and possibly leave her, for still having her ex around.

Now she's begging me to come home, saying J misses me. He left her when I was two. I don't know him.

My entire family, excluding my little sister, hates my mother. We all know what she is. She a self-centered, filthy excuse for a woman.

Recent examples to justify my personal distaste towards my mother include :

When I left mainstream school and got put into alternative school because of constant bullying and harassment. At the interview with the principal of the alternative school, my mom constantly spoke over him, making it hard for me to hear what he was saying. She turned the 20 minute interview into a 2 hour interview by not allowing me to speak, answering the principals question for me with incorrect answers, all while using her fake sweet and professional voice. She spent most of the time rambling on about how she was a cancer survivor, a single mom, and how she was going back to school for a social work degree. The principal had to reminder her multiple times that he was interviewing me, not her.

Another example is when I booked my own appointment at my GP's office to discuss my meds and get an up on my dose. My mom called me while I was leaving, wanting me to come over and babysit. She asked what I was doing, and when I told her I was leaving the GP's office because I just got my dose increased she snapped at me, saying I made her look like a bad mother and I need to tell her these things (I was living with my nana at the time by the way. I rarely spoke to my mom at the time unless she needed me to lend her money or babysit).

I feel upset when I see my sister because she's grown into a little version of my mother, and my mom's killing her. My mom blames everything but herself, saying my sister must have a genetic disorder. My mom feeds my sister to keep her quiet. My sister weighs over 100lbs at the age of 5, she has leg issues due to this, as well as respiratory and cardiological issues. She's slowly dying, and my mom fails to acknowledge that, too occupied with herself.

My mother angers me, and I need to express that. My mother ruined me.

The past few days It's been a bit harder to follow through with my habits and i haven't made much progress. And i felt stupid for messing everything up again. The past 2 days i've been trying to get back on track a bit. ( I've been Trying my best not to doomscroll and replacing with sketching + trying to reach my step count)

But not really sure If i'm getting anywhere with that. The first month of summer Is over and i'm not sure If i made any real progress. Or if maybe i'm doing well enough. Or fast enough. Or i'm doing the wrong things. Or Maybe i'm not even worth trying to fix stuff to begin with. I kept having dumb arguements with her the past few days one after the other. Honestly i feel like she does It on purpose sometimes. And i tried to ignore It, i try to make my day better and cheer myself up and be positive but i think she's right. I am selfish. I am stupid. And It's true that I can't really care about anything. I ruin and waste everything every single time no matter how much i try and want to treasure It. She's right. I'm just like him and i'm a bad person. There's really no point in trying to change anything if i'm evil to begin with.

I keep talking to a friend I could trust on Discord after a grooming incident, and then I see so many notable members of the community I tried to be successful in finally get all the roles, but I’m left in the dust thanks to a groomer.

Which got me thinking

That groomer HAD a game that thankfully didn’t reach popularity but the fact that it got any sort of following is baffling to me.

Which got me thinking

I tried to be successful for 3 years, always failing thanks to some asshole. How are they still big and popular, especially with how they indirectly but still blatantly led me to the groomer because I needed help with art, and I tried replacing each person that betrayed me because I was desperate?

It’s called cheating. Everyone has the rights to share their creations to the world. Hard effort doesn’t matter as long as it comes from the heart and as long as people give others their time to shine. People that harassed me might have heart (may be a black one but my point still stands), but the latter? They did not help me at all. Begging for free art is bad, but NOBODY told me it was unacceptable kindly. They passed it off as “oh you’ll get them next time” or “I don’t talk to [slur]s like you.” I wanted help after a community dumped me previously. I since then apologized for any behavior, but the scars still remained, and now they’ve reopened after the grooming incident. Funnily enough, the groomer is STILL in that site and is even friends with an admin.

Cheating should get you NOWHERE in life. How did they cheat? They took advantage of a rookie artist with a young soul. Most people did poor jobs explaining how art truly works and instead dumped me by a single mistake, leading me to find someone, until I found my then best friend and turned out to be a manipulating asshole. I’m still left in the dust with no niche and forced to start over while these so-called “veterans” got a following through cheating and manipulation. Their art might rock and they might have a good sense of humor, but they’re not worth it if their heart is so locked up and sadistic.

Even though one person is already pending consequences, I really, really want to cancel them so hard they’d feel depressed for their sorry ass life of touching children instead of grass and leave the internet forever. I can’t say the name however since “it might ruin research” but that shithead really deserves it, and I want zero trace of them ANYWHERE. As for the people who had led me to them, I want the same punishment as that groomer. Directly or not, they were still taking advantage of me and leading me to the groomer. However, I do think the groomer deserves more than just a life sentence for even talking to me at my lowest.

Another thing is Discord. I've been doing a decent job handling my schedule on Discord, keeping it around three hours, and it feels good to finally have a friend I can talk to every day, but I'm also worried about something. Is it really Discord's fault?

How do I go about all of this while still keeping the research? Are the people that indirectly led me to the groomer also at legal fault due to immorality? Am I supposed to use Discord to attempt to get friends and keep sharing my art with them if research is still ongoing? Is revenge like this really justified considering it was prolonged? My parents want to sue Discord for failing to keep me safe, but I believe friends are more important than being a millionaire. What do I do?

Sorry in advance for my bad English

People often told me that they wished they had my parents because im allowed to do so much stuff but in reality, im not that happy with my family at all. If I were to make a top ten of things that make me happy, my family would be at the bottom.

Sure, they buy me stuff, are kind of supportive in my choices but I don’t feel safe or comfortable enough to be myself. I hide clothes I know they’ll judge me on, don’t show them the stuff I make or things I’m passionate about because i know they’ll laugh at me or judge me for it.

For example, I recently went to a concert and had a very beautiful outfit. I was too scared to show them so I didn’t until he got home from the concert and their reaction was just like expected. They told me it was lame, that I looked ridiculous while all I wore was a dress with some tights and a headband. I didn’t get it. I missed the fun I had at the concert and my friends and it instantly ruined my mood. I cried after that.

At school, I can be myself. I show my friends all I’m passionate about and I don’t feel pressured to hide things. My teachers are very nice, I tell them a lot too but when I get home, I want to go away again. I didn’t wish I lived another life, I just wished I had another family.

And please don’t tell me that they’re just trying.. that parents get tired too or get angry sometimes too because it’s not sometimes it’s everyday and it makes me tired and sad. I don’t remember a day where I felt genuinely happy to be home.

Sorry in advance for my bad English

People often told me that they wished they had my parents because im allowed to do so much stuff but in reality, im not that happy with my family at all. If I were to make a top ten of things that make me happy, my family would be at the bottom.

Sure, they buy me stuff, are kind of supportive in my choices but I don’t feel safe or comfortable enough to be myself. I hide clothes I know they’ll judge me on, don’t show them the stuff I make or things I’m passionate about because i know they’ll laugh at me or judge me for it.

For example, I recently went to a concert and had a very beautiful outfit. I was too scared to show them so I didn’t until he got home from the concert and their reaction was just like expected. They told me it was lame, that I looked ridiculous while all I wore was a dress with some tights and a headband. I didn’t get it. I missed the fun I had at the concert and my friends and it instantly ruined my mood. I cried after that.

At school, I can be myself. I show my friends all I’m passionate about and I don’t feel pressured to hide things. My teachers are very nice, I tell them a lot too but when I get home, I want to go away again. I didn’t wish I lived another life, I just wished I had another family.

And please don’t tell me that they’re just trying.. that parents get tired too or get angry sometimes too because it’s not sometimes it’s everyday and it makes me tired and sad. I don’t remember a day where I felt genuinely happy to be home.

I’m currently sat at my mates and I feel a panic attack coming on and I don’t know what to do and my tics are playing up and I did want her to know so I’m js sat here trying my best stop a tic attack and I don’t know what to do can sm plz help me xx

Idk how to say it but trigger warning: suicide??? forgive me 😕. No category fits this so I just picked the closest. 4 years ago, I lost my sister due to her taking her own life, I remember the day very vividly. And at first, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t cry a lot and when I did it felt fake. Everything was strange for the next few weeks, just walking past her room and seeing she wasn’t there in her room on her phone or doing whatever, not having her sitting besides me during car rides, not having her bothering me every day. Even with still having my parents and brother, it still felt like a huge, really big loss. Everything felt quiet and empty, the house, going out with my family. Nothing felt the same anymore, my parents were depressed and I guess I was too young to notice. I was angry at her for that, how she made my parents feel, what she did and how it affected all of us. Maybe my age at the time was what made me so numb, or maybe I just haven’t processed it. We moved out some months after what happened, my parents couldn’t bear living in that house anymore. I began going to therapy because my parents made me go, I didn’t like it and never wanted to go. It took me like 1-2 years to finally begin feeling sad with her absence. I cried and my anger at her vanished and instead a deep feeling of guilt and sadness began to take place. I thought of what I could’ve did that caused what happened. And that guilt inside me began turning into a deep hatred for myself because I felt and thought and really believed that its my fault that it happened. I hated myself because I think I was a bad brother to her and that I couldn’t see details or anything that would have let me know how she was feeling, or maybe I did see them, and just didn’t pay attention to them. The hate for myself made me want to die, it’s made me hurt myself. It really hurt and I feel stupid now for doing that, but back then it felt like I deserved it. Those 4 years later, im older now, even older than her, finally some beard began growing and some moustache too, I got a broader chest and I’m finally taller. Now I hallways have a serious/neutral face, not looking like the happy kid I was before. There’s a family portrait in the entrance of my house, including my sister in it. Whenever friends that I haven’t known before it happened see it and ask who’s that. I never have anything to say to that. If I say my sister, they’d ask where is she, if I say someone else they’d ask the same thing. I just ignore the question and hope they don’t pry further. Something similar is when people ask if I have siblings, I say 1, which is my brother, but it feels wrong not saying 2 anymore. My family is still affected deeply by what happened, its not the same anymore and never will. My mom feels like it was her fault that it happened, some people even blame her for it, but I don’t. She’s really one of the best moms anyone could have. I don’t know how bad or well my dad is doing, he’s more closed off and I feel bad for not really checking on him or my mom. Now I regret not taking therapy seriously, it was a really good opportunity my parents gave me, the therapist was so nice and I didn’t take the opportunity now leaving myself with these unhealthy feelings instead of probably moving on and maybe being better. I began dreaming of her, dreams where she was still alive, or that instead of her actually taking her own life it was just a failed attempt and that we got her help and everything turned out okay. Every time I woke up I would cry, begging to god and praying it would be reality. I look at her photos every now and then and damn, I see what a beautiful person I lost. I look at my hands and just can’t believe that these hands once held my sister. I just look at myself in the mirror and just wonder how different how life would be like if in my place, my sister would be here. She was smarter, she was a better person, she’d be in a better place Im in right now, living better than how I’m living right now, maybe these fights with my parents wouldn’t have happened, maybe they wouldn’t be so stressed. Maybe the room I have right now would look better if it was her room. Maybe if I died instead of her, my parents wouldn’t have felt so bad like they did with my sister, or if I just died or never have been born she’d still be alive. I still go to school that she was in, which me and my brother have also always been in. I see the teachers that also gave classes to her. One time a teacher recognised me as her brother and asked me how she was, with her not coming. To avoid being asked anything more, or having to be vulnerable, I said she’s okay and nothing more. It made me quiet and pensive the rest of the day. I don’t blame him, no one really knows apart from her close friends and mine. It’s hard to bottle up how I feel, I would say it can become physically tiring. I suppose it takes a toll on you, I couldn’t handle it one time. I just broke down at school, crying like a baby. I have friends that helped me through it, and the counsellor at school helped me too. She called a teacher that knew me and my siblings too really well. I was surprised at how nice she was because when I was a kid I thought she was mean. But I really have to thank her for that hour long talk I had with her. I remember seeing the expression on my parent’s faces later that day, they seemed worried about me. I almost went back to therapy but I refused for some stupid reason. I’m not sure why but it wasn’t really talked about later. Now, like really now, present day, nowadays, I feel differently from how I felt back then. I personally would say I’m better, I’ve finally gone abroad which was my dream since I was a kid, I’ve grown up now and I don’t have to lie about my age just say I’m at least 13+, I’ve met new people which are actually pretty cool, I started playing football (American football) and turns out I’m pretty sick at it, I’ve taken an interest in drawing and even though I suck im going somewhere and most importantly, I don’t want to die anymore. I still feel bad because of what happened and I still feel that guilt and I blame myself for what happened. Ive vented to people and that helped a lot. I’m a bit proud of myself for being able to take some steps to move on and live better. Just now I noticed how much I wrote 😬, I haven’t even seen other posts on this site so I don’t know if this one sticks out like a sore thumb but idc I vented and I really needed it. I don’t think lots of people will read all this, but if you do, hi!!!!!!!!! And thanks.

This is one of my diary entries:

I feel sick. I hate my body, I hate how I can't stop myself from eating. I hate how I'm not athletic. I hate how my face looks weird. I hate my eyebags. I hate my tummy. I hate my tendency to laugh at everything. I hate my phobia of bugs. I hate my house. I hate how my bed dips everytime I sleep. I hate how it always feels like bugs are crawling on me. I hate my bad eyesight. I hate my yellow, crooked teeth. I hate the way I walk. I hate my style. I hate my tendency to complain. I hate my allergies. I hate how I feel that I am an outsider. I hate how I feel like everything and nothing at the same time.I hate how much I'm scared of people. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I doubt God. I hate. I hate. I hate. And yet, I believe that there is things to love. Not in myself, but the people around. Maybe someday, I'll get a big hug from someone, and they'll tell me that they love me. It'll be warm, and fuzzy, and tooth rotting. I want that. I want what everyone has. I'm envious. I crave freedom. I crave friends who spam your phone. I crave friends who text you at midnight on your birthday. I want what my friends have. I know it's wrong, but it feels so right to resent people to make yourself feel better. It makes me feel a little bit better. Not really, but.. ugh.. i can't find anything to say. If you find this, I'm sorry. So, so sorry. I'm just a whiny, fat, ugly teenager. Sorry.

We'll refer to my parents as parent 1 and parent 2

I was raised Half Poor and half upper middle class. My parent divorced before I could remember so that never bothered me.

I was Raised with the first half of my adolescence with parent 1, Parent 1 was poor and had other kids, though I was spoiled and became rotten; often lashing out at people close to me, even traumatizing animals, and using suicide threats to get what I wanted. I got so bad to the point where Parent 1 threw me away at a police station for Parent 2 to take me instead.

Parent 2 was cold, insensitive, and upper middle class.

When I moved in with parent 2 I was filled with dread(maybe foreshadowing i suppose). for awhile things were bad with parent 2 as they where with most visits with parent 2, but then things got a little better, parent 2 started seeing parent 3 and seemed to be a little happier. At some point parent 2 promised they'd be a better parent, those words engrained into my memory. . .

Lies.

From then on things got worse and worse. Parent 2 with parent 3 had new offspring, and with each new offspring I was seen less and less. I became super neglected, with only punishments as reinforcement and the occasional gift, though the gifts for the new offspring where often more extravagant and meaningful, though even they where neglected; so you can probably imagine how little attention I got. At some point I actually became suicidal, often when in company of parent 2. Every time I raised a concern or tried talking to parent 2 I got shut down or yelled at. One time I was punched in the face for teasing. Parent 2 snapped my phone when calling the police. I felt trapped. For awhile I carved cuts into my skin to work up the courage to end it all. it goes on.

But now, I face an issue. I have not love in my heart for the Parents, infact love is alien to me. whether i forgot what it feels like or never felt it, I'm not sure. So how do I tell my parents I don't love them.

Human moment.

you were too young

when she clawed her way in

taking over everywhere

whispering everything you think

entering you into the purple tornado of your thoughts

you pull the blanket over your head

trying to block out the noise

all the ideas of pain and blood

slowly following you under your shield

making it harder to breathe

restricting you

you were too young

when she stole your spark

leaving you lifeless and sleeping all day

leaving you with just raw emotions

you were too young

for all the shit she made you think

all the shit she made you do

all the self inflicted pain

you were too young

when she clawed her way in

you were too young

you were only 11

I came on here to vent about my parents... while I'm 15 they are in there 40s... I feel like their therapist... they are having trouble in their relationship and I'm the only child left in the house while my 2 older brothers have moved out now we find out we've most likely been hacked for years and my dad getting a stalker and I'm stuck in between it and I hate that whenever I get upset I have to get shouted at! like we had to get a new Wi-Fi router because of hackers and stuff I mentioned earlier and my dad resets it so I cant even message my friends and it happens everyday for 10-30minutes maybe even longer I hate being stuck in between there relationship issues. they don't realise they make me feel suicidal. I cant handle it anymore I just want them to go back to normal and my mom being jealous of my dads stalker because they suspect its his ex from 13 years ago