Life Stories and Everyday Drama - page 63

basically in the little group i hang out with at school since over a year ago, theres this girl that i get along with but i didnt see her as anything more than a friend until like october of 2024 when i started having a little crush on her.

a while after that, i was at one of the friends' birthday party and we were hanging out and the girl in question tells me 'are u into girls? i asked Friend3 about you a while ago cause youre kinda cute but she didnt know either...' and i was so caught off guard that i just nodded along like she said something completely normal and then i crashed out when i got home 😭😭

im super avoidant and sometimes when i know i will run into her at school i take a completely different route or just stay in class the entire break..

sometimes i feel like she's flirting with me but idk if she really is because she liked one guy for a really long time but shes p much over him now.

its rare for me to have crushes and its honestly overwhelming me.. i havent told any of our other friends because im so scared she wont like me back and its gonna be embarrassing..

i sometimes make excuses to text her or talk to her and it seems to me like shes also happy to talk to me but since were both girls its hard to tell when shes flirting or when shes just joking.

Today, after days and years of unknowingly dealing with the worst yet the most trusted people in my life, I've decided once again to just let go of my attachments towards them. I don't know, I wouldn't want to call them my parents anymore but I guess this is almost a small letter to them. I will not say sorry, because everything happened, not because of me but because of them carelessly making me. I may have grown into a "bad" person but I belive I've had enough. Because of this, I don't know how I'll ever get to go to college. Eitherway, I will try to learn making a business, maybe through digital products. If all else fails, I'll just either become a nun or convert to Buddhism and become a monk. I may not be heavily religious but I do believe in spirituality..does that make sense? To me, a God does exist, but it all jsut depends on us on how we view them, whether they be many or just 1. Sorry for yapping but these are my thoughts right now in living. Seriously. My dream for getting a "great" and "amazing" education is over. It was never my first dream so I guess it's been short lived. Instead, I can finally have chances to actually try other risky jobs..like journalism..the arts.. Film..all expensive if I had to take courses in uni for them but if all I can definitely jsut into any of these fields and still survive. Wow.. Life can take you anywhere, and I'm afraid I might even become dirt poor if I'm not too careful.

lately ive realized that i avoid opening up to the people around me about my mental state and it has been damaging my relationships (duh). ive been dealing with trauma from an SA that happened a long time ago that i just recently came to terms with and in doing so, i relapsed in smoking. (i had been smoke free for a year and a half)

i feel like my friendships lack depth.

i just recently opened up to my mom about the SA and the smoking and was pleasantly surprised with how loving and understanding she was and how i no longer felt like a stranger to my own mother, so im wondering if maybe i should open up to my friends more.

my dad passed away one year ago and a half and i realized that if my friends hadnt seen that on my mom's facebook, i would have probably never even told them that my dad passed.

i used to struggle with SH in the past and when coming to terms with the SA, i relapsed but only once (since i chose smoking over SH because i thought it would harm me less). i have visible scars on my thighs and left wrist. (the ones on my wrist are 2 years old but they were deep so theyre visible) they're not wounds anymore, they're quite literally scars. my skin is very pale and the scars are noticeable. thats why im often dressed in baggy, oversized clothes even in summer. now that i think of it, i dont think my friends every saw my arms, or any other part of my body other than my head and my hands.

im just so closed off to anyone around me and it pisses me off, but im so scared of being perceived as vulnerable or weak. all i do is smoke cigarettes and (p rarely i will admit) weed and shut up about my problems.

i was just reflecting on why i feel so isolated from everyone and why all my friendships lack depth and i think this is it.

2/2/25 3:19am

I have so much to say although no understanding of where to start.

Recently I've become overwhelmed with a sense of boredom, somber, longing, pain, etc.

I've been thinking about my father, what would it be like to have a relationship with him

to have cherish-able memories of him, instead I'm left with nothing maybe a few pictures

even with 2yr old me in his arms. You know i didn't realize how much having a dead father

would affect me or if it had a take on me at all, it does. Every moment of everyday I'm left with

thoughts such as "if he was here what would be different?" "though he's dead is he proud of me?" "do you love me still? after all of my mistakes, wrong doings, lessons?"

I feel sick each time i talk to her about it, my mother... I remember one time i had brought him up

i had said i missed him but you know, she misses him more because that was her first love her soulmate, i was just a baby i didn't have anything, not a clue.

I lost my dad but she lost her soulmate, i refuse to argue or to even bring it up i don't even bring up his name anymore, what's the point? nothing is going to change and I'll never get what i need...what i need.

I feel guilty, sick, torn. I have Tim, Tim is like my father...the one i never had right....

he's been around since i was a baby took the parental role when my dad died.

I feel sick yearning for my dad when i have him, Tim.

I feel disgusted with myself entirely, i have an increasingly difficult time reaching out to anyone

family, friends. Papa, Tim he lives by himself my mom and brothers were with him at some point but he's alone now

he does so much for everyone and i wish i could be there with him so he'd never discover what loneliness is.

My mom and papas relationship is complex, honestly not my business and i don't wanna go on a full lore drop about our timeline, maybe another night.

It had seemed the day papa came home years ago, found my mom with an other man he left and nothing has been the same. For a long time things seemed to go down hill, maybe because i haven't taken my meds in two months that i feel like this. I dislike that i still get emotional over things i thought i healed from, but why am i lying? i know i haven't healed matter of fact i don't know how or where to start or if it's even possible, will i feel like this, think like this forever?

will i always struggle so hard? will i always need artificial happiness?

Some thing's I've realized over these few years is that I'm not tims daughter, i never will be, he accepts me cause I'm not the "ghetto hood rat" black girl I'm "whitewashed" apparently. they've worked to destroy and invalidate my skin color and culture, I've learned I'll never have a true significant meaning to any of my family because of different in every aspect, I'm the black sheep in a field of grey and i have to learn to be okay with that.

I know this is a drastic topic change but universe please give me a knowing sign, i need something I'm hurting so bad and i don't understand. I don't wanna be mean and quick to anger anymore...i don't wanna hurt anyone anymore. I'm so sorry.

I need help so bad.

I feel like vomiting i haven't been eating much recently, pushing back tears, i feel so pathetic i can't show my feelings to anyone without feeling sick and it seems that nobody likes me, what's wrong with me? am i annoying maybe to much or even not enough? why? why does nobody like me? am i not interesting or worth anyone's time? am i not deserving?

I wanna hurt myself it feels so good, so familiar its been a habit since i was 10 and i don't know if i can stay clean much longer.

Although I'm hurting and shit i can acknowledge my growth through this journey, though in some aspects I've also gotten worse or even fallen back.

I don't wanna die but fuck, it's like every time I'm suicidal it hurts so good and when I'm content and stable I'm on edge, waiting for something to happen mourning the temporary "loss" of my usual somber mindset and body language.

Its a cycle I'm slowing learning to break but sometimes i don't want to break it, i want to live in it bathe in it.

I want to tell my mom and crawl into her lap and sob till my hearts content, but no amount of crying can ease my pain, no amount of comfort, and I've learned that my problems will never sum up to anything because nothing I've been through is severe enough it'll all never be valid.

I think I'll always be this way, though i have much fortune that I'll never overlook I'll still always be this difficult, angry, and sad person who can't grasp anything, I'll always be the being who can't react without emotion and hurt.

I miss you dad

I love my best friend so much she seriously means the world to me but I just need to vent about something. Since ive met her she’s always been a very negative person. She constantly makes choices she knows she’s going to regret with money and school and men then when those choices bite her in the ass she plays the victim. Nothing is her fault and there’s always something wrong. I’ve never answered the phone and had her tell me something is going good. She used to be part of the family everyone loved her but she drove everyone crazy with her constant negativity and whining that I don’t even want to bring her around my family (That and one of her bad decisions with men was with my cousin). My 21st is coming up and I’m so scared she’s going to ruin it or turn it into a pity party, and if she does I’m scared my family is going to say something to upset her. I’ve been working on myself a lot and I’ve been so much happier lately with what I’ve been doing but talking to her brings me down a lot when all she does is complain. With anyone else on earth o would just simply talk to them but I can’t with her she’s very sensitive and everything is a touchy subject with her. I can be myself around my friends and family and I can with her but there’s many moments where I have to walk around on eggshells. I know I’m complaining about her but I really do love her she’s my best friend and we’ve been through a lot together I just needed to get this out.

I lost my dog this past October, not due to old age or any medical issues, but because he bit one of my sisters friends.

I know he didn't want to. Jake, my dog, was a pitbull mix rescue. We don't know much about his past, just that his past owners took him to the vet for a broken arm and never picked him up. We think whatever caused his injury might have caused him to be extra cautious around other people and dogs. (His injury never fully healed). He was only 6.

How this happened:

So me and my sisters had just gotten home and I had went to go use the bathroom, my sisters friend comes home with us after school. So, as I am using the bathroom, I hear my sisters friend scream. I felt my heart drop. I finished up in the bathroom and went to my room, trying to distract myself from what might have happened. I finally get up the courage to walk into the living room and I see my sisters friend sitting on our couch. Jake ended up only badly nipping her, no puncture wounds, she wasn't even bleeding, atleast not enough to be noticable.

This was Jake's second time he bit a person. He had bitten an older gentleman who shoved Jake when talking to my mom when she was out on a walk with Jake, not knowing it would trigger him. So, my parents decided we had to put him down. Training was to expensive and probably wouldn't work and giving him up to another family wouldn't work either, as he wouldn't trust anybody else.

We spent his last day giving him human food and cuddling. We went on one last walk, I couldn't even enjoy it, I felt this overbearing sense of doom. We even went to a dog park. We never brought Jake to dog parks because he was very defensive and would bark and lounge at other dogs. But the dog park for larger dogs ended up being empty so he was able to go. The fence on one side was shared by the dog park for smaller dogs. He didn't bark once, he even played with some of the dogs through the fence. I will always regret not bringing him sooner.

When we went to the vet I chose to be there when he got the shot. My dad and one of my sisters also chose to stay with Jake. This is the sister whose friend got bit. My other sister and mom opted to sit in the waiting room. Overall it was a very peaceful and sad experience. One detail that threw me off for a while was that right before he past Jake let out this loud raspy whimper. My heart broke then. I couldn't stop crying. I normally don't like showing negative emotions around my family, so crying in front of my sister and dad made my very uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop.

Before he passed we made little cement circles with his paw print. I got to keep his chicken squeaky toy, he would cuddle with it more than he would play with it. I also got to keep a blanket I got for him for Christmas. It still smells like him.

Memories:

Jake would rotate sleeping in my and my sisters beds. Jake was always very fond of pillows. So when he would sleep in my bed he would lay across all of the pillows.

If Jake wanted to be let into a room he would judge the door with his nose and growl through the door.

Whenever Jake would want to leave my bedroom to sleep in my parents he would wake me up by growling and barking, sometimes he would resort to slapping if I was ignoring him.

If he wanted pets/cuddles he would shove his head in between your legs and would nudge your hands until you pet him.

He loved to run around our backyard. He would run and then stop, crouching down, and then you would jump out at him and he would run around with the biggest smile on his face until he stopped again, waiting for you to run after him.

He hated swimming. He hated fetch. He hated carrots. He hated sleeping on the ground.

He loved watermelon. He loved cuddles. He loved my mom, she was his favorite. He loved pillows. He loved chicken. He loved long walks. He loved the 2 shitzus that lived in our neighborhood, they hated him and would nip at his feet. He loved pup cups. He loved beaches. He loved the people at the kennel he would stay at. He loved chasing rabbits. He loved so much.

Thanks for reading💕

I have no one to rant to, my friends invalidate my feelings so I decided to hop on here.

To start, I have no siblings, whenever me and my parents fight, it's either it will end with silence or it will end with more bickering. I usually end the argument by staying quiet to avoid saying disrespectful and hurtful words towards them, but as time progresses, I naturally start realizing how hard it is to understand one another. It's like every time, we argue, I see the vision of me stepping away bit by bit, I love them with my whole heart, I genuinely do. But sometimes, I don't want to tolerate their attitude nor their behavior, I just want to blast myself with music, and slowly cry it all out till I'm drained. I reached my limit once again, when they said that I am just like someone that I don't really like, I was really in disbelief, because I try my best to differentiate myself to them. But it's obvious that it didn't work:) I am angry and hurt, and overall just disappointed. I know I am better than them, I different, but it seems like to them we are just the same. It pains me to even remember the words they said towards me, I don't know what to do nor say, I just want to cry and have a breather.

(its my first time posting on here, i just needed a place to vent and feel heard)

long story short, when i was around 5-8 (dont remember exactly) i was sa'd by my older brother and his best friend at the time. i was way too young to understand what was happening to me, all i knew is that it felt bad but they wouldnt stop. thankfully this only happened once because i told my mom, but then it was never brought up again, until a couple weeks ago.

the thing is that i never thought of it as SA because it felt too horrible admitting to myself that i am a victim. that being said, this trauma began showing up as me hating femininity, wearing baggy clothes to the point i didnt even undress at the beach/pool/during summer, i absolutely hate the idea of coming across as vulnerable, smoking, substances, SH,etc... in november of 2024 i finally accepted the reality. it felt so horrible that i relapsed in smoking but i thought it was better than relapsing in SH.

long story short, ive made a lot of progress since then. i told my therapist about it and it was the first time i cried in therapy in 5 years, i told my mom about it and she was very loving, but i still cant overcome it.

the nightmares and flashbacks stopped after i managed to talk to my mom about it. but theres one thing left to do, and that is to talk to my brother about it.

the reason why this is like the final boss of overcoming the trauma is that he's made advances on me in the past. not recent, but around 4 years ago he tried to get me to let him 'penetrate' me. apart from that, he's also made comments on my body when i was forced to wear dresses for formal events, talking about how big my boobs are, or how sexy i am. he has also sent me a picture of his dick in the past. thats as recent as last year.

sexual trauma is such a huge part of my subconscious identity that i am almost a legal adult and ive never been in a relationship. i dont wear makeup or dress in a feminine way cause i see it as being vulnerable. ive also never talked to my irl friends about any of this, even tho im craving to have someone listen.

i let my brother get away with so much because our dad passed away a few years ago, and i felt like my brother just wasnt in his right mind. that being said, a lot of what i mentioned happened before my dad's passing and even then, i let him get away with it because dad was an alcoholic.

surviving trauma is hard, but i think surviving the aftermath is even harder.

the first time i admitted to myself that the sa did in fact happen, i threw up.

I want everyone, people who did nothing wrong, people who did me wrong, literally anyone—to feel bad for me. I want them to look at me with those sorry little eyes, drowning in guilt; they'll feel bad and would do anything for me. Because they feel bad. They pity me, so they feel that they should do this and that for me. It's like having slaves; I won't have to do anything by myself because they can do it for me. Please, pity me. I want everyone to feel obligated to pay attention to me or stay beside me because they feel bad and think that's the least they can do for someone so pitiful. Why am I this way?

I hate it soo much!! I hate it here, I hate existing so badly because I'm anxious every single second, I feel as though everyone's eyes are on me, and every time I move, it feels like I'm a robot because I'm conscious of my every movement. I move and talk how people want me to, and it's so hard to be myself because I fear that I will be judged. My anxiety is so bad I can't even show my true colors to my friends. I know they're good people, but I'm just scared. So scared, you know? I know they won't judge for every little thing but even so, I'm terrified. My traumas won't let me be the person I wish to be; I'm always holding myself back because I'm just so anxious. I hate feeling like this because I'm wasting my whole life acting like someone I'm not.

So I play DnD 5e a lot. I'm not diagnosed autistic, but I wouldn't be surprised if I actually was; and if I am, then DnD is definitely my special interest. But I've only DM'ed campaigns for the entire time I've played, except for two sessions. So I look outside of my friend group. I search online everywhere. But I for the life of me cannot find a campaign to be in. It's starting to mess with me; I feel like a weird stress/anxiety, and if I don't play again soon I may go mad I fear

I have a roommate. She is very nice but clueless. I don't really need advice here- I just need to tell someone what is going on because I can't process it.

She came home today asking me if I could help her understand her work contract. She's a music teacher through a local school. She's been doing this for 8 years, thinking that she's been paid $30 for every 30 minutes.

Her hourly rate, as stated in her contract is $30/hr. She's shocked. Says that others are getting paid $30 for each half hour. Then, she starts complaining about the taxes and fees. She says she pays thousandS of dollars/quarter in taxes.

She made $6000 last year from teaching music (she does have another job). But if she's paying thousandS of dollars/quarter, she's losing money being a music teacher. And this has supposedly been going on for EIGHT YEARS.

I'm shocked and telling her she needs to get this sorted ASAP and she's surprised and responds that she'll do it later.

She is an adult and can make her own choices, but I just don't understand how you could be throwing away THOUSANDS of dollars every year and not have dealt with this. How has she made it this far?

I'm afraid to ask if she's got any retirement. It's just hard to watch her function sometimes

First, a bit of backstory if it helps with understanding my current emotions and past decisions:

My family is very unstable and rather poor. Father was an alcohol addict who didn't want to get treatment, so my mother kicked him out when I was only 3-4 years old. She found someone new within a year or two who would then act as my new dad. He was a very stubborn but kind person. Although we lacked a real son-father connection he never really did any harm to us other than not giving back some money he lent from my mother. He never cared to teach me anything and fixed everything himself. Both my older siblings left early because they would rather be with my drunkard father than my stepdad. So I grew up as an only child without a father figure pretty much.

When I finished elementary school, my parents sent me to a highschool far away that only had male students. There were schools much closer to our home that didn't need me to commute by bus 3 hours every day. The reason they didn't want me in one of those closer schools is because it wasn't as prestigious. Considering everyone in my new school was so far away from where I lived I never really made friends. There's also the fact that my parents were from a different country and I didn't look similar to the other students, so that didn't really help either. I didn't really care about it until much later.

I didn't have any interest in girls considering I was only surrounded by boys and all we talked about is videogames and similar stuff (it's around the time I became a nerd who got interested in these kind of things.) Never was in any friend groups I just had 1 or 2 friends I would be around during breaks. The first interaction I had with girls my age was when we were about to graduate and our teachers hosted a prom. There was a similar school in the same city that was girls-only. So they invited them over for the prom. When our schools met for the first time I started to realize that girls weren't interested in me due to my height and looks. I looked different and it made me feel inferior to my peers.

Basically nothing went well and after graduating I got into college but I felt overwhelmed and too much pressure so I didn't last long. Everyone around me started dating, getting their drivers licenses and good cars. Meanwhile I was there, a head shorter than most guys, hell even some girls were taller than me. Not a single time in my life has anyone ever complimented me so you can imagine how low my self worth was. It didn't matter that I worked out, took care of myself and acted nice towards everyone when guys who didn't put in any effort were much more attractive than me. At that point I just couldn't do it anymore, I dropped out not only because of my inferiority complex but also due to not having any real goals or future dreams I want to achieve. Up until now I just wanted to fit in and never really worried about what I want to achieve in life.

After going through a ton of job applications, internships and even attempting to go to a different kind of school, all that it made me realize is that the world doesn't want me and everyone would be better off without me. It was in my early 20s that I already gave up with life after trying so many things and everything was just a failure. My siblings only gossiped about me, my stepdad was stuck in his own bubble as usual and the only person that was still on my side was my mother. Up to this day she's really the only person that gives me energy to continue. I was kinda hoping, as cruel as it sounds, that she would die early so I could end it aswell. I had no directions, no motivation, no goals.

So after thinking about how to go on in my life, I decided to start living a simple minimalist life and only focus on myself. Considering my cv was such a mess, most jobs I applied to rejected me (even when it wasn't a mess right after my graduation, every workplace rejected me). I worked in a few jobs that were so miserable and not worth the money that it didn't take long for them to either kick me out due to my inefficiency or too many absences due to my depression. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse but I was born with a visual impairment so I was able to apply for disability benefits which were enough to let me move to my own place and start being more independent. Of course I still have to apply for jobs but considering my messy cv, my looks and my disability no one ever wanted me again.

Fast forward a few years later, now I'm a friendless, disabled loser in his mid 20s. No real work experience, no skills, never talked a girl irl. Just living from day to day and indulging in mostly instant gratification activities like videogames, doomscrolling and whatever else you can think of. I still workout and take care of myself not that it would make a difference but atleast in the end I am able to say "Atleast I tried". Whenever I think of any goals for the future, I just see a blank screen with no text on it. I've gotten used to living in the present so much and enjoying the moment that I let go of any hope of becoming a more successful person in the future. I learned to be grateful for what I have and appreciate the little things in life.

I've gotten so used to this way of living that I started actually enjoying it. I smiled more often, looked forward to doing certain things and socializing with people again (atleast online). That's where I met a girl. At the start I didn't think much of it, believing that all I'm doing is learning how to talk to a girl without being anxious to gain some experience for future encounters. But everything was just right. We got along really well, we had the same hobbies, if you even wanna call them that. We had the same thoughts / beliefs about alot of things and for the the first time in my life I felt like I had a good connection to someone apart from my mother. She didn't mind that I didn't want to do a face reveal (even though we shared some other things to each other). It was just a casual fun thing to me that would pass after a few days/weeks.

But as time moved on, we started getting closer, we voicechatted regurarly, texted for hours every single day and spent alot of time together. That's when things got more serious. Over the past 5+ years I've closed myself in this bubble to forget about my past and problems in life and she came up with questions that tackled these exact topics. I really care about her alot and could even say that I love her considering we've known each other for 6+ months now and we never really argued. But I know that I'm not good enough for her. My life is already over, my mentality is messed up, I have no goals in life. And she's out here expecting me to move to her country and introduce me to her family. There's alot of things she doesn't know about me and yet she's trusting me so much. Why? I consider myself as a subhuman who doesn't have control of his life so how do you expect me to take care of a woman? it's just too much I don't know what to do anymore.

As I started opening up more to her, she accepted me for the way I am. As of now, she still doesn't know about some things but she still treats me the same as the time when we first met. I'm so emotionally tired, I've cried so much these past few days because I can't handle this much affection from someone. I really don't deserve her but I can't accept the fact that I might lose her, she's the only thing that gives me motivation to even just get out of bed in the morning. Everything feels like a mess and I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm only going to speak of a specific medical issue I'm currently dealing with right now. Which probably isn't actually a good thing that I'm typing this on a digital device... But I sorta have an addiction to digital device use. Not specifically social media, but just the use the digital media.

Anyway...

According to the CA Emergency Room. It's normal for me to have ocular migraines. They said that the excruciating pain would be normal. But also, according to my Psychiatrist, I can only take Advil or Tylenol😭! Due to certain circumstances.

The symptoms I have when the ocular migraines happen are:

Complete and utter pain starting behind my left eye. It migrates to pain in my left nostril. Then the pain moves along to my upper left side jaw. The stickles down to my lower left side jaw. The it enjoys a nice right through the left side of my neck. And ends it's painful adventure through my left are down to my pink finger🤕!

Light and temperature play a factor too. If it's too bright... It hurts🔆. If the temperature is too cold... It hurts🌡️. And unfortunately for me... I run really hot... So these migraines make it difficult for me to adjust the temperature, since I haven't learned how to use my cousins thermostat thingy on the wall🫠. And all I need is the left side of my face, neck, and arm to be warm... Not my whole body😫!

At least the Nivea lotion I have is really good at drying my skin out, so I don't have to worry too much about the sweat🥵!

But that's not the point.

I went to the ER while I was in pain and unbalanced as well... And they said it's normal😒.

I went to a neurologist as well... All test came back normal😮‍💨.

I went for blood work... Guess what... Normal🥴.

So, according to many doctors opinions... Being in immense pain, and not being able to walk is... "Normal" for someone who doesn't experience this everyday😑.

Also, the cause of symptoms are based on how much I'm anxious about something, someone, or somewhere😥.

And my life right now is just all about that anxiousness🤪!!

And I wouldn't be responding to any story's/things I've written on this site for a while. Until I get better. I do like to respond to comments... So when I'm better... I'll respond to all the comments or questions later😌🙏🏻✨!!

hello , i want my identity to be anonymous and don't want to tell more about myself i am a 20year old female and i am a student. recently i asked a question to my boyfriend what is it if you ask i asked hi m about thier parents approval in this relationship where he is a muslim and i am a christian it was a very happy and healthy relationship of 1 year we were about to celebrate our 1 year aniversary and i asked this question at 18th of january 2025 i asked him what if your parents does not accept our relationship what would you do and he told that he wants both of us and i told him what if there is a situation arrives where you need to choose between me and your family what would you do ?? as a curious girlfriend i asked him this question and what he said stunned me within an hour or so he came to a conclusion that we should end it here and lets not go long way and get hurt and tells that he is doing this for me and told that he is doing this for me and he does not want to hurt you and keeps silent these all happened in call when i went to talk in real with him he ran away currently im in holidays and im in excruciating pain i dont know what to do but i think if we talk in real there might be a chance that he will realize what he is doing now should i do it ???